9 - The Meltdown
“Well that ain’t good enough! Cal can’t do wrong and get away with it—”
“Applejack!” Her mother was firm and unyielding; she wasn’t as loud as Applejack was getting, but she was loud enough to be heard without waking Calvados. “This discussion is over.”
“But Mama!”
“I said it and I meant it, young filly. End of discussion.”
Applejack’s insides boiled with resentment. Tears bubbled over and slid down her cheeks, but her face was anything but sad. It contorted with the frustrated anger she was now about to unleash.
“No!” she screamed. “He’s just a little brat! An’ you’re treatin’ him better than me!” she screamed, making Cal stir in his mother’s grasp. “An’ I’m your daughter! An’ all ‘cause Cal has some kinda disease? It ain’t fair, Mama! And how does an Apple get that kinda disease anyway? Apples are strong! We don’t get messed up in the head like that! Only he does, an’ it makes him bad!”
“Applejack! You hush with that kinda talk this instant!”
“No! It ain’t fair! You’re treatin’ him better than an Apple, but he ain’t no Apple! He ain’t even a pony! I don’t know what he is, but he ain’t one of us! He ain’t never gonna be one of us! It ain’t fair, Mama! It ain’t fair!” The rage was present, but it had been offset by the sobs. Little Applejack’s eyes swam in tears as she screamed, and when the filly blinked them away, they returned quickly.
Applejack would have continued, but she found herself swept up into the forelegs of somepony behind her. Her heart plummeted; she knew she was in trouble now. After all that screaming and crying and insulting her brother, she knew she was going to get it this time, and the tears flowed more heavily.
“Calm down, sugarcube,” came the deep, soothing voice of Applejack’s father. “I know you’re frustrated. Believe me, I get it. Your Mama an’ I don’t understand your baby brother, neither. But not understandin’ somethin’ means ya gotta try to. Don’t go dismissin’ your brother just ‘cause ya can’t explain him. He’s your brother, Applejack. Ya can’t choose your family. You can only love ‘em for who they are.”
“B-but Daddy . . . what’s wrong with him . . . ? I just don’t get it . . . .”
“I know, baby, I know,” her father replied, still soothing. “He’s gonna be hard to teach, and he might not be able to take care of himself without us around. We need to be able to give him the schoolin’ he needs.” He turned her around to face him and looked deeply into his daughter’s eyes. “Ya gotta promise me somethin’ Applejack,” he spoke earnestly. “If somethin’ ever happens to your Mama an’ me, or to Granny Smith, you gotta be the mare of the house. You know that, right?”
Applejack sniffed, but replied, “Y-yes, Daddy.”
“So if that happens, ya gotta make sure the Apple family stays strong. It might not always be easy, but you do what ya gotta for family, don’t ya?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“So, if it happens, ya gotta make sure Cal can get the attention he needs, from ponies who know more than we do. We can’t do for him like he needs, and we can’t do for him at all when we’re gone. So if we ain’t around no more, that falls on you, honey. Do for Cal what we couldn’t do, if you can. Okay?”
Applejack hesitated, wiping the wetness from her face as she glanced between her father’s solemn eyes and the floor. “Well . . . .”
“Applejack, we need you to be able to handle this. Apples take care of family. Don’t ever forget that.”
Sniffing again, Applejack nodded, finally replying, “Yes, Daddy. I-I’ll try.”
“That’s my big filly.” He helped her wipe the remnants of tears from her eyes. “Now, be strong for your dear ol’ Dad, okay? Cryin’s okay, but there’s a time for it. An’ that time ain’t now. Now, ya gotta be strong, and cry on the inside, y’hear? Cry on the inside, and be strong for Daddy.”
“Cry on . . . .” Another sniff stopped Applejack, but she slowly gathered herself. “Cry on the inside . . . .”
“That’s right, Applejack,” he replied as he brushed his hoof over her blonde mane to relax her. “Be strong, sugarcube. Be strong . . . .”
Ponies on either side of the road continued to stare as Applejack lumbered through town, dragging a kicking and screaming Calvados behind her. Nearly breaking Applejack’s nose (by accident, of course) and bashing a hole in a wooden stall had done nothing to assuage this fresh rage. Having to walk on three legs and having no dependable grip on her flailing brother only exacerbated the situation for the elder Apple. As she stumbled down the dirt road, she was reminded of the apt terminology that Dr. Anna Lyze had given her for these turbulent displays—“meltdown.”
“What is going on?”
“Gracious, that colt is throwing some kind of fit!”
“Why isn’t Applejack doing anything about it?”
“Yup, bad parenting, right there.”
“He wouldn’t act like that if you break out the belt every now and then . . . .”
“Nonsense! That kid should be kept at home for his own safety!”
“You mean ‘our’ safety . . . .”
Each judgmental word and presumptuous phrase was a minute, yet agonizing stab in Applejack’s heart. They don’t know him, she thought resolutely. They don’t know what’s goin’ on. They ain’t done any research, like Twilight did. They know even less about autism than I do . . . .
Cal continued to scream and flail as Applejack struggled to keep her grip over him. The struggle to keep her grip over her temper was even more difficult.
“Someone shut that kid up!”
“Jeez, what a brat!”
“There’s no way in Tartarus my colt get away with throwing a tantrum like that.”
“Never should have been let out of the house—”
“THAT’S ENOUGH!!”
Applejack hadn’t even realized she’d spoken. She wasn’t aware that her voice had overwhelmed even Cal’s, and now, everypony in town seemed to turn their attention to her. She had even let go of her diminishing hold over Cal.
Now, it was Applejack’s turn to melt down.
“Don’t any of y’all even dare thinkin’ about judgin’ me, or him!!” she screamed fit to make the whole town listen. “You ain’t never had to deal with a kid like Calvados before! You think you know everythin’ about what’s goin’ on?! Y’all don’t know a doggone thing!! He ain’t misbehavin’! He ain’t a brat! And he ain’t some kind of circus freak! He’s my baby brother! And he’s autistic! He don’t realize what he’s doin’ is wrong! He’s upset and don’t know how to handle it! Y’all can call it what you want! It’ll only go to show you’re just plum ignorant! Y’all can say what y’all want about me, but I’ll be darned if you go spewin’ your idiot words all over my baby brother! He’s an Apple, and he’s family! And I won’t let none of y’all treat him any worse than he’s already had!!”
By now, the entire town, perhaps all of Equestria, was stone still and silent. Even Calvados had stopped crying by this time. Applejack’s legs quivered with rage beneath her, her breathing was quick and heavy, and she was so disoriented from her own screaming, she could hardly see clearly. Every look she cast at another pony caused the crowds to stir slightly and mumble amongst themselves in short bursts. They acted as though Applejack were the freak now.
Good! To heck with ‘em! Applejack’s rage continued mentally. Better they start gawkin’ at me than keep hurtin’ my brother!
“Come on, Cal, let’s go home,” Applejack spoke low, reaching out to Cal and pulling him along. It got easier to lead him along now.
“Go home?”
“Yes, go home . . . .”
The service went as well as could be expected. But the rain only served to make it more obvious how painful this would be.
As the two coffins were lowered into the Apple-oosa Cemetery, everypony showed different degrees of misery. The entire Apple family had turned up, flooding the graveyard with ponies who were all sniffling, sobbing, and hurting. Aunt and Uncle Orange held each other tightly. Braeburn took off his hat and pressed it to his chest. Goldie Delicious mopped the tears from her eyes with her favorite hanky.
Applejack stood, blank-faced, as her parents’ coffins descended into the dirt. She had just gotten her cutie mark, and had just welcomed her baby sister, Apple Bloom, into the world. She’d felt as though all were right with the world, that nothing could go wrong. Even Calvados’ violent meltdowns were getting better. And now, it was all coming down.
She’d never even gotten to say goodbye.
Off to one side, Granny Smith was holding an infant Apple Bloom under a sturdy black umbrella; the infant was the only Apple to turn up (aside from little Babs Seed, who was about the same age) who knew nothing of what was happening. Next to them, Big McIntosh had his left leg draped over Calvados’ shoulders; the elder brother’s eyes shone with tears, and his mouth shook slightly. Cal showed the same blank face that Applejack had, but for a different reason.
“Beemak?” he muttered, looking up at his older brother. “Mama and Daddy?”
At this, Big Mac could only hold Cal tighter.
“Beemak? Mama and Daddy? Is coming?”
Mac grimaced in response. He knew—they all knew—that this would happen eventually. Mac held Cal close and shook his head slowly in the falling rain. “Nope,” he muttered softly.
“Is Mama coming?”
“Nope.” Mac’s tears started to fall.
“Is Daddy coming?”
“Nope.” A moment’s hesitation this time. Mac’s breaths began to come out in sobs.
There was a pause after Mac’s last answer. Finally, Cal’s voice went off again. There was no question of where his parents were. There was no question of why they weren’t coming back. There wasn’t even an angry or sad shout of denial, begging Mac to say something other than “Nope”.
It was a sudden, shrill scream.
Goldie Delicious dropped her hanky and turned toward the noise, startled. Soon, the entire gathering followed suit, just in time to hear another scream from Calvados.
“Cal, calm down, honey,” Granny Smith tried to coax him. “I know it’s hard, but time heals ev’rythin’—”
But Cal would have none of it. He released a third high-pitched squeal, this one making Applejack’s ears hurt. His screams echoed all throughout the Apple-oosan desert, only slightly muffled by the rain. Now, Cal was stomping in place furiously and shaking his mane back and forth. “Mamaaaaaa!!” he screamed. “Daddyyyyyy!!”
Now, the stirring had begun, and the whispers soon joined in. Applejack was afraid of this. Only a few members of the Apple clan outside the immediate family had ever met Cal, and they didn’t understand him any more than she did. She could only imagine the reactions from those who’d never met an autistic pony in their lives.
One more high-pitched screech later, and Granny Smith leaned over to Big Mac, keeping a tight hold over baby Apple Bloom. “Mac, hon,” she asked quietly, waiting until Cal finished another loud scream before continuing, “could ya take the little ‘un back inside?”
“Eeyup.” Mac nodded, took Cal by the foreleg, and tried to lead him away from the service. Cal struggled against Mac’s grip, and began flailing his legs and screaming up at the sky. The water running down his face could easily either have been rain or tears. “I’m sorry, Cal,” Big Mac could just barely be heard over the rain, and not at all over Cal’s screams. “I’m sorry . . . .”
“WANT MAMAAAAAAA!! WANT DADDYYYYYYY!!”
As Mac kept leading him away, Applejack looked at her two brothers over her shoulder, and suddenly, she felt herself overwhelmed with contempt. A fiery anger rose up in the pit of her stomach just at the mere sight of her kid brother’s flailing, at the sound of his shrieking. The water on her face was far too warm to be rain.
What she said next, she never thought she’d regret:
“I’m glad Mama and Daddy never have to deal with you anymore. You’re a disgrace to the Apple family.”
It was a whisper, lost in the cold Apple-oosan rain. Nopony heard her say it. But it would be a statement that would change Applejack’s life forever.
The front door opened, Applejack and Calvados stepped inside, and they were both safe at home—the former from the stinging judgments of others, and the latter, from himself.
I deserved every word.
As they’d reached Sweet Apple Acres, that memory had slipped, unbidden, into Applejack’s mind once again. She remembered the rain. She remembered the overpowering melancholy. She remembered Cal’s piercing shrieks like thundercracks across the gray Apple-oosan skies.
But worst of all, she remembered the guilt. The guilt she’d been hiding for days. The guilt that lent itself to her silent self-castigation here and now.
I deserved every word they said.
Cal had expended his meltdown by the time they’d walked in the door; it had wound down to the occasional squeal once they’d reached their own land. He now spent his time running around in tight circles across the floor, one of his usual “stimming” practices. Applejack didn’t even leave the doorway. She merely closed the door behind her and sat down on the hard wooden floor. She leaned back against the door behind her, eyes wide and still and staring straight ahead. There was nopony but the two of them in the room, but there could have been fifty other ponies in the room, and the Earth mare wouldn’t have known the difference.
They weren’t even really talkin’ about me. They saw Cal meltin’ down, and they reacted. They called me a bad parent. They said I oughta discipline him more. They think I never shoulda let him outta the house. How can they be so wrong, but so right at the same time?
I knew this was a bad idea. I knew I never shoulda brought Cal back home. Now, all of Ponyville just got a look at real Apple family values for the first time.
At last, the real secret of the Apple family was out.
“Appajak?”
She heard Cal’s voice shake her away from her thoughts, and she turned to him. “What is it, Cal?”
“Is angry?”
Another jab in the heart. But Applejack kept it together. Be strong. Cry on the inside, and be strong. For Daddy . . . .
“No, sugarcube, I’m not angry.”
“Not angry?”
He was almost fishing for reassurance now, as if he desperately needed it. He wasn’t the only one who did.
“I promise you, honey, I am not angry.”
She hoped he would just apologize, as he usually did, and just be done with it. By now, she was going through the motions. She just wanted it to be over before something happened that she couldn’t control.
What she heard next made it all moot.
“Was I bad?”
Applejack felt her heart throb with pain again. It wasn’t just a jab; it felt crushed under the world’s most powerful vice. Her legs gave under her, and she dropped to the floor. Her tears flooded her eyes, and she buried her face into her forelegs. The time for “crying on the inside” was over.
Applejack sobbed. She sobbed for what could have been seconds or days. She didn’t bother keeping track. She didn’t have the capacity to care. All that mattered was the white-hot explosion of emotion that had suddenly burst forth from her, rending her asunder inside and out. Every sob was another squeeze of that world’s most powerful vice around her heart, superheated to the hottest degree. Every tear felt like an ineffectual piece of fallout from this eruption of guilt and misery.
Every excuse she’d ever used in her life crumbled to dust right before her mind’s eye. I was just a foal. I was upset, and wasn’t thinking straight. I was grieving. I didn’t understand like I do now. I didn’t bother to research. Nopony knew what autism was back then, and no little filly could understand even if they did . . . .
The excuses were gone. And without them, Applejack felt so vulnerable, so weak.
And so wrong.
“I’m the disgrace . . .” she murmured through her cries. “Not Cal. It’s me . . . I’m the one you should be glad to be without . . . I’m sorry I let you down, Mama and Daddy . . . I don’t deserve to be an Apple . . . I don’t deserve to be your daughter . . . .”
“Appajak sad?” Cal whined slightly and crept closer, patting her gently on the head. “I sorry . . . .”
“No,” Applejack said firmly and stood up, wiping the moisture from her face. “No . . . don’t you say that, Calvados. Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever be sorry for who you are, you hear me? It’s not your fault. It’s not . . . it’s n-not . . . .” She couldn’t go on. The pain was too much. She swept Cal into her forelimbs and hugged him tightly. Having felt so numb and lifeless for the past few seconds (minutes? hours?), feeling Cal’s warm fur made her feel again. As if she’d been trapped in a strange black void for decades, and his touch brought her to life again. The life she remembered, took for granted, tossed aside in a fit of indignant grief.
I love you, baby brother. And I never wanna let you go. Ever again . . . .
“Appajak? I sorry . . . .”
“It’s . . . not your . . . f-fault . . . .”
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I think thats about right
That was fast :p
But on a serious note, what can I say other than well done. I felt like young Applejacks actions (both young and old) didn't fell too harsh and every emotion hit where it should have. If I had to complain, I say there are some grammer and paceing issuse that could be ironed out, but still love this story and can't wait to see what you do next with it ^^ (after that other Fic everyone's been a pest for you to make -_-)
Great chapter as always, can't wait for the next update!!!
I theorize in this fic that the very gene that gave Cal autism is also what made Big Mac untalkative.
6772839 Well, many autistic people do have trouble interacting with others to some degree or another. So, it's entirely possible.
I'd hate to bring up a controversial subject, but maybe Cal SHOULD be disciplined. Obviously in the scenario after the banner spanking him would just make him throw a bigger tantrum, but if you just handle it with rocking him like that he might grow up believing throwing a temper tantrum is how to handle stress which it isn't.
Note: I have a minor case of autism so I know what your point in all that is but if it gets WAY out of hand then disciplinary actions may indeed be needed, like with the case of when he knocked down all the furniture in the room in that flashback.
6776809 Having lived with two young autistic kids all their lives, I can be the first to tell you that discipline doesn't always work. Impulse control is one huge problem autistic kids have, and punishment doesn't show them that doing the first thing they think of is usually wrong.
I see what you're talking about, trying to be realistic about the whole thing, but the realism is: the condition is often stronger than any discipline. I could try, but I couldn't capture it in a believable manner.
Wow that was really awesome! I'm loving the story so far and hope for more soon!
TT^TT
So sad and so beautiful
6776809 I two have mild autism and I agree maybe not the traditional spanking but something akin to taking one of their obsessions away that comes with autism. For example, I was and still am addicted to video games and guess what's the first thing to go when I misbehave. Autism though, isn't a one size fits all condition, there are thousands of different alterations of it to the point where it is blatantly obvious to extremely discreet so knowing what to do with other autistic people can vary greatly.
7339128
I am getting tested and well so far I have a high chance of having it and at first i had no really noticeable signs until we moved here is my little diagram to show you what I mean the numbers are the ages:
No signs: 0-6/7
None that are noticeable:7-9
Noticeable but brushed of as anxiety: 10
Noticeable and fighting to get tested: 11-12
Lots of signs and waiting to be tested: 13
6776833
Discipline don't help me it makes me angrier
this is the first time Cal said full sentence with right grammar. it's touching yet also weird.
this story is making me cry! it's so good!!! Im on the autism spectrum and my mom had to deal with this kind of thing a lot when i was younger so she'd probably like this story too
9065612
Thanks for reading, and thanks for the follow.
7339128
Your autism must work differently than mine. Even if my parents take away my games, I find something else to distract myself with. They say I'm being lazy because I haven't changed, but as far as I can see they haven't either! It doesn't help that my dad screams at me for the tiniest things (He once threw a fit at me because a slice of leftover pizza fell out of a very full fridge. Living with him is like walking on eggshells.)