A young colt has aspirations of heroism, but swiftly learns that such a dream may not be realistic within the confines of the Marejave Wasteland. Can he overcome the world's callousness, or will he fall prey to it like so many before him?
I hope that the length of this comment is actually a good thing, and apologize if it's not.
This fic is good. Unfortunate that you seem to have gotten a visit from the downvote brigade.... But, judging from your comments, you seem unperturbed by this, which is good. I don't think Fimfic's anti-FOE stigma has any real effect on this story's potential. I think the issue might be some strong similarities to another well known FOE side story.
At first glance, this fic reminds me of Murky. About halfway through, I started thinking, 'no, this is nothing like Murky.' And then towards the end, I thought, 'well, maybe it's like Murky, but that statement doesn't convey anything worth conveying.'
I'm afraid that others will glance at this, think it's just like Murky Number Seven, and then immediately write it off and not give it a fair chance. Yes, it is like Murky, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm afraid people will stop at the 'it's Murky' part of that train of thought without pursuing it all the way.
If I really analyze my observation that 'it's like Murky,' really what I'm thinking is that you have a series of events going from bad to worse and a protagonist pretty much helpless to stop them. Oh, and it happens to involve slaves. This is an entirely useless observation. Saying this fic is 'like Murky' is a bit like saying that it's like pretty much every novel, in that the protagonist struggles a lot and bad things happen. That's not just being like Murky; that's being like the best stories that have captivated audiences throughout history.
I really hope this doesn't just become 'the other Murky,' because that's not what it is. They both happen to involve slaves and a helpless protagonist, but... so what? Does it matter? If you have your own unique cast of characters (which, so far, it looks like you will), then there's no reason why there wouldn't be room enough for more than one story about slaves in the Wasteland.
Here are a few other observations of mine, which may or may not be more useful than that one. I hope they are! They're just my opinions, though.
Writing Style
I considered removing this part of my comment, because it stopped bothering me about a quarter of the way into the story. So, keep that in mind.
It seemed like the narrative voice was trying too hard to be eloquent towards the beginning. Not quite purple prose, but leaning in that direction, just a little bit. I don't think this is an issue worth going back and editing, just something to keep in mind as the story goes forward. Kkat had the same problem. Her writing got really good when she stopped trying to sound fancy and just focused on telling the story.
Overall, your writing is really solid. The vocabulary and sentence structures are varied; the descriptions are clear. There are a hooffull of grammar mistakes involving commas, but nothing significant.
Dark
This fic is *really* dark. You know this already. Have you considered putting up a trigger warning? Murky was dark enough to put people off and really bother them, but rape was too dark, even for Murky. Even if your scene here was brief, it was rather... disturbing.
You did a good job with that scene, though, I think, coming from a person with no real experience on the matter.
That Scene Where Stuff Happened (I.e., the jailbreak)
Venture seemed way too... collected once shit hit the fan. Up until this point, I thought his character had been portrayed in a sufficiently realistic manner, but he seemed to lose that when this started. He wasn't nearly panicked enough. If you meant to imply that adrenaline numbed all of that and allowed him to just react, that's well and good, but that wasn't clear, and it just seemed that he wasn't reacting with quite the level of shock and horror that one would expect. There are a few key moments that really gave this impression.
One was when he first realized what was happening and immediately suited up to head out, without much hesitation, fear, or second-guessing.
I crawled across the floor toward my door, a lump of worry settling in my stomach. I was terrified of what I would find outside, but ponies were getting hurt. As much as every instinct I'd developed screamed at me not to, I couldn’t live with myself huddling inside when I could help. I pulled on my rough barding, slid the pistol into the holster on my side, and grabbed my field medic’s guide off the top bunk. Slowly, I pushed open the door and crept outside. ... Shaking off the image, I galloped toward the source of the scream.
I could call this a show vs. tell issue. "I was terrified," "my instincts screamed no," "I couldn't live with myself," "I shook off the image." This is more or less just telling.
The second moment was when he so easily decided to ignore that one pony just outside Syringe's office.
I jumped as something grasped onto my leg. There was a dirty, unarmed buck on the ground beside me. A slow dribble of blood trailed out of his mouth as he gurgled. Sparing a glance downward, I could see his stomach was a mess of ground meat. A continual stream of gore poured out of the wound, and I could see the end of grey intestines extruding as well.
His eyes were terrified and pleading, the same as the mare I was trying to help. It broke my heart to do so, but I yanked my leg from his feeble grasp, mouthing a silent apology, and continued on. If I didn’t focus on one pony at a time, I wouldn’t save anyone. Fewer without any supplies.
Again, I could call this a show/tell issue. "It broke my heart to do so."
When Venture actually shot Syringe, he got over it way too fast, if that's the first time he killed a pony.
I don't think these issues are actually worth taking the time and effort to go back and revise, but I thought I'd point it out so you can keep it in mind as you go forward.
These two mild complaints probably aren't worth mentioning, but I typed them and you might want to read them. At the very least, they show that a reader was paying attention. :P
Mild complaint: checking a field medic manual for information on gunshot wounds? Anyone with any intention of being a field medic would have read up and memorized a lot of that stuff beforehand, not needing to check the book in the middle of trying to save someone. If I were a field medic in the Wasteland, I'm pretty sure gunshot wounds would be the first thing I learn, and I would learn them so thoroughly I can treat them without thinking.
Mild complaint: why would escaped slaves bother to raid the kitchen? I mean, yeah, they're starving, but if they have the energy to raid the kitchen, they have the energy to escape. I would think that the choice between the two is rather obvious and nigh universal...
"Please... h-hold me," she whimpered.
I hesitated, my skin tingling just at the thought of willingly embracing somepony else. But what could I say? Sorry, I really don’t like being touched so if you could just go ahead and die quietly, that would be great?
This was great. It's a little bit weird for a slaver to ask for a hug, but this was great. Cinnamon Dash made me sad. Good job with that.
Looking forward to chapter two, when I get a chance.
The first chapter was good. Really good. Not quite perfect, as there were a few small parts that seemed a bit off and a couple places that were "tell-y" rather than "show-y." But definitely top-shelf material as far as fanfiction goes.
The reasoning behind Venture not leaving with the sisters, for example, seemed to come a little too quickly. Especially to a young mind. Don't get me wrong, it made sense. But it's hard for me to imagine that a 10 year old kid would think like that. Especially one raised by slavers.
With that being said, the first chapter was very enjoyable. I thought you handled all the scenes pretty damn well, and the final moments of chapter 1 were a real tear-jerker. I was left wondering just how bad things were gonna get, and looking forward to seeing that story continue.
But... then chapter 2 came along. I'm just gonna go ahead and throw a spoiler on my thoughts here.
The format change threw me for a loop. I figured some big changes were in store what with a 14.5 year time-skip and all, but leading off in 3rd person past with an emphasis on an entirely different character made me check the page just to be sure I was reading the same story. Lavender herself is an interesting character though, so once I figured out what was going on it was no big deal. But still, that shift in style felt odd, and I couldn't quite get it out of the back of my head. I'm curious why you decided to write her segments in 3rd person.
But the real problem comes with what little Venture has grown into. Grown-up Venture/Stab comes off as a 2edgy4me Mary Sue, and despite all of his heat-of-the-moment wit (Very Joker-esque, by the way. I liked that) and admittedly entertaining combat skills, this is a problem. I understand that you tried to hang a lampshade on it with Koe's comment about the name "Stab," but it didn't work due to how the chapter played out. Let me explain why he comes off this way.
First off, with the time-jump and the stark contrast between little Venture and grown up Stab, the same character feels like two different people. All of that wonderful drama and character development that you built up in the first chapter is lost, leaving the reader wondering why we should care about this new person. This is only exacerbated when we get the character description and see how easily he intimidates the general.
Secondly, the build up and scope didn't make sense. Let me get this straight... The Enclave fears this fellow enough to send a damn Thunderhead after him? These aren't some two-bit mercs with hand-me-down weaponry they got from whoever they managed to kill or a handful of malnourished scavengers living in a shanty town. This is The Enclave, the pinnacle of technological advancement and the height of military might in all of Equestria, possibly even the world. And even with the corruption in their government/military, a Thunderhead-class warship is a massive troop deployment and allocation of resources that would be hard to justify or cover up. You've instantly bumped this character up to the same level as Red-Eye, LittlePip, or DJ-Pon3 on The Enclave's shit-list. That's a lot of importance to place on one pony, and before he was brought on board it didn't seem like that pony had done anything to warrant that level of response. More on that in a bit.
The EIW, while a charming idea for your own world-building, struck me as lackluster as well. These guys were supposed to be the elite of the elite, right? So... better even than a squad of Wonderbolts? How were such amazing soldiers dispatched so easily? Those fights should have been much, MUCH harder for Stab. I've still no clue how he managed to survive the fall in the elevator shaft.
And then there's the big one: he actually managed to kill the general. This is the one that really gets me, as I can't help but feel that a wonderful opportunity was wasted. Yes, the general was scum. We get it. He had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. But he's still an Enclave general and the son of a High Council Member. Chances are he had at least some amount of cunning to him. Instead of killing the general and pole-vaulting right into "no obstacle can stop me" territory, Stab should have failed.
Most of the above problems could have been fixed easily if Stab had been stopped right here. General hits a panic button, soldiers step in, Stab is forced to retreat through the escape hatch (which felt like a cop-out anyway, honestly, even if the tech does make sense). Then you get the opportunity to have Lavender form a reluctant partnership with the good general in order to avenge her sister. Her motivations are the same, and she has the backup of a powerful officer who may, just may, actually come to respect her for her abilities. Extra drama and opportunity for development of the supporting character, the main character doesn't achieve Sue status, and you keep the reader's attention.
Sorry for the long response. I had some really high hopes after seeing how wonderful the first chapter was. I liked some of the dialogue in chapter 2 and got some good chuckles out of Koe. (That George Carlin reference brought a smile to my face, too.) But, I feel like you should have stuck with the story of the colt and developed little Venture a bit more. If you had given him a full story with some amount of resolution, then you could have introduced this multiple-personality-disorder character to us at a later time with no problem whatsoever.
6357356 6361029 Can I just start by saying, wow, and thank you. To say that both of you have given me a lot to think about would be a huge understatement. I cannot thank you both enough for putting so much time and effort into your critiques. The detail and care you both used gives me a bit of hope that I'm not just wasting my time, and that there are people invested enough in the story to want to see it written in a satisfying way. A goal we share, I assure you.
6361029 First off, Arowid, I adore your work, and I almost completely lost it when I saw that you'd recommended Insanity's Flight on reddit. Your recommendation for how chapter 2 should've ended is absolutely brilliant, and I can't believe I didn't think of it. It makes so much more sense with what I have planned in the future, and it is not an opportunity I want to leave missed. Although chapter 1, I will admit, was written over a far longer period of time, with fewer re-writes, and with the aid of better intoxicants. Whereas chapter 2 was primarily written over four or five panicked writing sessions with the mindset, "Oh fuck, it's been three months since I put out a chapter, I've started over six times, and I have no idea where to go from here." To that end, I've given your critique more weight than any other I've received so far. So, please, don't take anything I'm about to say as a defense of the story, or a reason that I want to keep a certain element involved. I'd just like you to hear my reasoning.
Originally, the structure I had planned for this story was almost exactly what you're describing. The first volume or so would've described younger Venture's formative years, introducing the characters and events that would eventually lead up to what is now chapter 2. I was planning for several small time jumps as he grew up, with a final (not 14 1/2 years) one leading into Stab's story. However, after speaking with a friend of mine who also happens to moderate the Looking for Editors group, he informed me that that structure wouldn't be well received. His reasoning was that readers wouldn't enjoy it if the main plot suddenly switched gears at a volume break, but if, instead, they were made used to the gear switching by having the chapters switch back and forth, chapter by chapter, it would be more universally enjoyable. So, that's the direction I was going with chapter two. I wasn't planning to abandon the story of Venture's growing up, but it was going to be staggered along with what I'll call the main plot of Insanity's Flight.
The other reason I chose to go with this structure was because of a point I believe both you and Mixolydian Grey mentioned, and that is the influence of MN7. Now, don't get me wrong, I adore MN7, and I wouldn't come close to try and compare my writing to it. However, the only thing I have that really comes close to a complaint is the first several chapters. It's not that they're badly written, quite the opposite, but the sheer staggering amount of shit that happens to Murky, and with the amount of detail put into each event, it almost becomes a slog to get through. Insanity's Flight is not going to be much different. Things are going to get far worse for younger Venture before they get better, and I just didn't want my readers to share the same opinion about IF as I do on MN7. Not wanting to go back and re-read the story, or read it for the first time, because of how painful these chapters are going to be. I thought that, if I mixed up the tone a bit, then it would keep more people reading as they wouldn't be trying to get through a depressing slog every time I post a new chapter.
It may sound like I'm making this out to be why I'm staying with this structure. However, ever since I read your critiques, I've been giving serious consideration to shelving chapter two in its current form, and going back to my original structure. I still have a good portion of my original chapter two completed (I'd just planned to use it for chapter 4), so it wouldn't be a huge leap to just replace Captured with whatever I end up calling this one. Also, I'm hoping that Arowid would be ok with me potentially using his ideas for the ending and other various events of Captured, once it gets re-released.
I'd love to hear both your thoughts on this, as these are the absolute greatest critiques I've received so far. I'm also sorry it took me a week to respond, moving and illness both played their roles, but I've read both of your comments time and time again and, believe me, they've made a monumental impact. It's nice to finally have a couple of readers that are willing to take me to task on something they don't like, because I do want IF to be as enjoyable to as many people as possible, else, why would I publicly release it? I have no issues with changing aspects of the story if anyone believes that they can be improved, I just need people to tell me what those aspects are. Hopefully this response isn't too long and you both can get around to reading this and giving me your thoughts. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
6381895 I'm just glad that you're not giving up or getting flustered here. It can be hard to deal with criticism, but you're handling it like a pro.
Feel free to use any old idea I spout off if you think it can help you out. No worries.
As far as my thoughts on how you should proceed... That would be up to you. I can offer opinions, but the fact is that you understand this story and how it should play out better than anyone. Just do whatever you think is best for the story and you'll be fine, I'm sure. After all, you wowed everybody with that first chapter, so we know you have it in you.
And now for some awful questionable advice.
The idea of going back and forth like that is intriguing. I'd be careful that both stories "line up" in regards to events, but if done well this could certainly work. For the life of me, I can't recall ever reading any sort of story that followed this format, so I'm just gonna wing it when it comes to "advice." In other words, be warned, I'm just making stuff up at this point.
My initial thoughts are that this sort of format will probably have the greatest impact if the story follows a specific pattern. That pattern being that both "Venture" and "Stab" have separate but parallel adventures which can play off of each other thematically. Or even that both stories climax at the same moment, for reasons which are somehow linked or even directly tied to each other.
Of course, all of that might work better if the two stories were the same length. So... Have you considered writing both stories simultaneously? Perhaps writing the first section of the chapter from the perspective of Venture, and then the last part from the perspective of Stab? Each portion of Venture's story would come off much like a flashback sequence, but you'd be able to immediately compare and contrast the young colt and adult stallion in the same chapter. Possibly by remembering hardships endured in his earlier life Stab will understand how to get out of whatever his current predicament happens to be.
Just tossing ideas out there.
In regards to using your original structure, hmm...
I can certainly see why you were cautioned against jumping to Stab's story all at once, but that's kinda what happened anyway with the current chapter 2. Much of the backlash was because the change was so jarring, which is ironic since it seems that is exactly what you were trying to avoid. I'd venture (heh) to say that if the time jumps were spaced evenly and had solid but gradual character development in them, then you'd be better off going with a slow ramp up to Stab as opposed to flip-flopping back and forth between child/adolescent and adult.
If, for example, the reader has been primed by 2-3 consecutive chapters of 3-5 year time skips, then it won't come as such a shock when we find that our protagonist is suddenly fully grown. We'll have been expecting it ever since we saw those little words "Three years later..." at the top of a chapter.
I'd like to stress though, that all of this is just the personal opinions and random musings of an over-caffeinated and sleep-deprived mind. Feel free to use or disregard as you see fit.
It's nice to see a FoE story that isn't littered with typos from the get go. Kudos to you there, sir, especially when you have persevered with writing despite the unfair rating this has gotten. I know the pain of trying to write a Fallout crossover and putting your heart and soul into the tale, only to get unexplained hate and downvotes for it. Hence, I hope that my thumb up can help your story achieve what you want it to.
So back at reading again after a two week break, lets take this chapter to the chopping block and axe it up into bite size pieces so I can be lazy at work and read this whole thing when there are no customors around. Now as mentioned before are these chapters rather big for my taste, so I will properly chop my chapters, and therefore comments, into pieces at times. So if you ever feel like the comment lack to cover a lot of stuff do you know why. Now onwards to the chapter!
So I am not gonna spoiler wall anything as such, if you read comments and reviews will you encounter spoilers one way or another after all.
"Six Months Before The Destruction of The Cloud Layer"
I love the wording of this. Its simple, yet it tells us so much about the storyteller and the viewpoint of the wasteland that we are gonna explore. That the "the"s have been capitalized is a bit weird in my opinion.
So I know that she have another name, and that mixing anime and FoE is bad bad karma, looking at you PH... But that Lieutenant will from now on be known as Olivier Armstrong AKA Ice Queen to me from this point out, and nothing that you say and do will make me change that nickname!
Sniffle… lines such as this… they touch my heart. Bravo I say, bravo!
Finally, Stab looked up at the blue pegasus, “General, my associate and I would like to formally request that you begin fondling my nuts.”
Instant fav from that line alone. Stories that can me laugh out loud does always get one of those!
So we have talked a bit about length before, and I must say that the first part of this chapter, with its perfect break after best pony ever got introduced would have made a perfect prologue with no edits to it what so ever. Just cut the first 6K words out of this chapter and make them into the prologue with no edits added and you are golden. We would have a perfect view of the Ice Queen, perfect view of how rotten the Enclave can be and just having ended an amazing scene that I haven't seen anyone else match in ages. Best part is that it would end on the perfect cliff hanger about what there would come next, especially with the character shift that happens afterwards, which is like one of my favorite literature tools since forever! Seeing the same setting with multiple eyes are just golden <3
Pillage, really? I mean, murder and rape, definitely, but pillage? What are you, a fucking viking?
OI! As a Dane, AKA the original Vikings do I take strong offence towards this scene!... We burn the woman and rape the houses, but we do not pillage anyone! And Vikings were the original pirates just saying, just doing mead instead of rum!
Welp… I am hooked! The chapters is a bit bigger than my liking, but you clearly know what to do with your words. Often are the main problem about big chapters not their size, but how bloated they are. PH is a good example, the chapters became longer and longer, less and less happening in each as more and more unneeded filler entered each and every one of them.
Nitpicks: I have been a pre-reader/editor for a handful of years now, so I must sadly admit that I have taken work damage and bring up the smallest of stuff to iron out. "Fallout Equestria: Insanity’s Flight By Storm128 Prologue: Captured" Now the whole chapter name in the chapter is something that I personally dislike, you have it written there when you click on it after all, but I get why some does it. The credit and title of the story thou would I recomend removing completely, and then taking the chapter title, blow it up in some nice big letters and center it. Right now does it look like an ordinary line after all. "several rows of rivets ran the lengths of heavy metal plate." Is it not missing a the? ". Most of the personnel on hoof for this operation were fresh recruits being introduced to life groundside for the first time" Would "At wing" not be more xenophobic towards the dirty dirty mudblood ponies that soil themselves on the icky ground? "her communicator interrupted her again" Linebreak error. Fimfic is not friends with google docs or word for that matter, so expect a few of these, seems to pop up in many stories lately. "the armored mare shrieking as the pile of metal and maniac pinned her to the floor." Would mister best pony call himself for a maniac? "After what seemed an eternity of neverending ladder," feels like it is missing an a "He paused for a second before continuing" This should not be italic
I turned back toward the open lift and dove through the entrance, frantically slamming my hoof against the close door button. “Come on, come on, come on you piece of shit, CLOSE!”
Fun Fact: Many "Close Door" buttons on elevators aren't connected to anything.
I hope that the length of this comment is actually a good thing, and apologize if it's not.
This fic is good. Unfortunate that you seem to have gotten a visit from the downvote brigade.... But, judging from your comments, you seem unperturbed by this, which is good. I don't think Fimfic's anti-FOE stigma has any real effect on this story's potential. I think the issue might be some strong similarities to another well known FOE side story.
At first glance, this fic reminds me of Murky. About halfway through, I started thinking, 'no, this is nothing like Murky.' And then towards the end, I thought, 'well, maybe it's like Murky, but that statement doesn't convey anything worth conveying.'
I'm afraid that others will glance at this, think it's just like Murky Number Seven, and then immediately write it off and not give it a fair chance. Yes, it is like Murky, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm afraid people will stop at the 'it's Murky' part of that train of thought without pursuing it all the way.
If I really analyze my observation that 'it's like Murky,' really what I'm thinking is that you have a series of events going from bad to worse and a protagonist pretty much helpless to stop them. Oh, and it happens to involve slaves. This is an entirely useless observation. Saying this fic is 'like Murky' is a bit like saying that it's like pretty much every novel, in that the protagonist struggles a lot and bad things happen. That's not just being like Murky; that's being like the best stories that have captivated audiences throughout history.
I really hope this doesn't just become 'the other Murky,' because that's not what it is. They both happen to involve slaves and a helpless protagonist, but... so what? Does it matter? If you have your own unique cast of characters (which, so far, it looks like you will), then there's no reason why there wouldn't be room enough for more than one story about slaves in the Wasteland.
Here are a few other observations of mine, which may or may not be more useful than that one. I hope they are! They're just my opinions, though.
Writing Style
I considered removing this part of my comment, because it stopped bothering me about a quarter of the way into the story. So, keep that in mind.
It seemed like the narrative voice was trying too hard to be eloquent towards the beginning. Not quite purple prose, but leaning in that direction, just a little bit. I don't think this is an issue worth going back and editing, just something to keep in mind as the story goes forward. Kkat had the same problem. Her writing got really good when she stopped trying to sound fancy and just focused on telling the story.
Overall, your writing is really solid. The vocabulary and sentence structures are varied; the descriptions are clear. There are a hooffull of grammar mistakes involving commas, but nothing significant.
Dark
This fic is *really* dark. You know this already. Have you considered putting up a trigger warning? Murky was dark enough to put people off and really bother them, but rape was too dark, even for Murky. Even if your scene here was brief, it was rather... disturbing.
You did a good job with that scene, though, I think, coming from a person with no real experience on the matter.
That Scene Where Stuff Happened (I.e., the jailbreak)
Venture seemed way too... collected once shit hit the fan. Up until this point, I thought his character had been portrayed in a sufficiently realistic manner, but he seemed to lose that when this started. He wasn't nearly panicked enough. If you meant to imply that adrenaline numbed all of that and allowed him to just react, that's well and good, but that wasn't clear, and it just seemed that he wasn't reacting with quite the level of shock and horror that one would expect. There are a few key moments that really gave this impression.
One was when he first realized what was happening and immediately suited up to head out, without much hesitation, fear, or second-guessing.
I could call this a show vs. tell issue. "I was terrified," "my instincts screamed no," "I couldn't live with myself," "I shook off the image." This is more or less just telling.
The second moment was when he so easily decided to ignore that one pony just outside Syringe's office.
Again, I could call this a show/tell issue. "It broke my heart to do so."
When Venture actually shot Syringe, he got over it way too fast, if that's the first time he killed a pony.
I don't think these issues are actually worth taking the time and effort to go back and revise, but I thought I'd point it out so you can keep it in mind as you go forward.
These two mild complaints probably aren't worth mentioning, but I typed them and you might want to read them. At the very least, they show that a reader was paying attention. :P
Mild complaint: checking a field medic manual for information on gunshot wounds? Anyone with any intention of being a field medic would have read up and memorized a lot of that stuff beforehand, not needing to check the book in the middle of trying to save someone. If I were a field medic in the Wasteland, I'm pretty sure gunshot wounds would be the first thing I learn, and I would learn them so thoroughly I can treat them without thinking.
Mild complaint: why would escaped slaves bother to raid the kitchen? I mean, yeah, they're starving, but if they have the energy to raid the kitchen, they have the energy to escape. I would think that the choice between the two is rather obvious and nigh universal...
This was great. It's a little bit weird for a slaver to ask for a hug, but this was great. Cinnamon Dash made me sad. Good job with that.
Looking forward to chapter two, when I get a chance.
Alright, so here's my take on it so far.
The first chapter was good. Really good. Not quite perfect, as there were a few small parts that seemed a bit off and a couple places that were "tell-y" rather than "show-y." But definitely top-shelf material as far as fanfiction goes.
The reasoning behind Venture not leaving with the sisters, for example, seemed to come a little too quickly. Especially to a young mind. Don't get me wrong, it made sense. But it's hard for me to imagine that a 10 year old kid would think like that. Especially one raised by slavers.
With that being said, the first chapter was very enjoyable. I thought you handled all the scenes pretty damn well, and the final moments of chapter 1 were a real tear-jerker. I was left wondering just how bad things were gonna get, and looking forward to seeing that story continue.
But... then chapter 2 came along. I'm just gonna go ahead and throw a spoiler on my thoughts here.
The format change threw me for a loop. I figured some big changes were in store what with a 14.5 year time-skip and all, but leading off in 3rd person past with an emphasis on an entirely different character made me check the page just to be sure I was reading the same story. Lavender herself is an interesting character though, so once I figured out what was going on it was no big deal. But still, that shift in style felt odd, and I couldn't quite get it out of the back of my head. I'm curious why you decided to write her segments in 3rd person.
But the real problem comes with what little Venture has grown into. Grown-up Venture/Stab comes off as a 2edgy4me Mary Sue, and despite all of his heat-of-the-moment wit (Very Joker-esque, by the way. I liked that) and admittedly entertaining combat skills, this is a problem. I understand that you tried to hang a lampshade on it with Koe's comment about the name "Stab," but it didn't work due to how the chapter played out. Let me explain why he comes off this way.
First off, with the time-jump and the stark contrast between little Venture and grown up Stab, the same character feels like two different people. All of that wonderful drama and character development that you built up in the first chapter is lost, leaving the reader wondering why we should care about this new person. This is only exacerbated when we get the character description and see how easily he intimidates the general.
Secondly, the build up and scope didn't make sense. Let me get this straight... The Enclave fears this fellow enough to send a damn Thunderhead after him? These aren't some two-bit mercs with hand-me-down weaponry they got from whoever they managed to kill or a handful of malnourished scavengers living in a shanty town. This is The Enclave, the pinnacle of technological advancement and the height of military might in all of Equestria, possibly even the world. And even with the corruption in their government/military, a Thunderhead-class warship is a massive troop deployment and allocation of resources that would be hard to justify or cover up. You've instantly bumped this character up to the same level as Red-Eye, LittlePip, or DJ-Pon3 on The Enclave's shit-list. That's a lot of importance to place on one pony, and before he was brought on board it didn't seem like that pony had done anything to warrant that level of response. More on that in a bit.
The EIW, while a charming idea for your own world-building, struck me as lackluster as well. These guys were supposed to be the elite of the elite, right? So... better even than a squad of Wonderbolts? How were such amazing soldiers dispatched so easily? Those fights should have been much, MUCH harder for Stab. I've still no clue how he managed to survive the fall in the elevator shaft.
And then there's the big one: he actually managed to kill the general. This is the one that really gets me, as I can't help but feel that a wonderful opportunity was wasted. Yes, the general was scum. We get it. He had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. But he's still an Enclave general and the son of a High Council Member. Chances are he had at least some amount of cunning to him. Instead of killing the general and pole-vaulting right into "no obstacle can stop me" territory, Stab should have failed.
Most of the above problems could have been fixed easily if Stab had been stopped right here. General hits a panic button, soldiers step in, Stab is forced to retreat through the escape hatch (which felt like a cop-out anyway, honestly, even if the tech does make sense). Then you get the opportunity to have Lavender form a reluctant partnership with the good general in order to avenge her sister. Her motivations are the same, and she has the backup of a powerful officer who may, just may, actually come to respect her for her abilities. Extra drama and opportunity for development of the supporting character, the main character doesn't achieve Sue status, and you keep the reader's attention.
Sorry for the long response. I had some really high hopes after seeing how wonderful the first chapter was. I liked some of the dialogue in chapter 2 and got some good chuckles out of Koe. (That George Carlin reference brought a smile to my face, too.) But, I feel like you should have stuck with the story of the colt and developed little Venture a bit more. If you had given him a full story with some amount of resolution, then you could have introduced this multiple-personality-disorder character to us at a later time with no problem whatsoever.
6357356
6361029
Can I just start by saying, wow, and thank you. To say that both of you have given me a lot to think about would be a huge understatement. I cannot thank you both enough for putting so much time and effort into your critiques. The detail and care you both used gives me a bit of hope that I'm not just wasting my time, and that there are people invested enough in the story to want to see it written in a satisfying way. A goal we share, I assure you.
6361029 First off, Arowid, I adore your work, and I almost completely lost it when I saw that you'd recommended Insanity's Flight on reddit. Your recommendation for how chapter 2 should've ended is absolutely brilliant, and I can't believe I didn't think of it. It makes so much more sense with what I have planned in the future, and it is not an opportunity I want to leave missed. Although chapter 1, I will admit, was written over a far longer period of time, with fewer re-writes, and with the aid of better intoxicants. Whereas chapter 2 was primarily written over four or five panicked writing sessions with the mindset, "Oh fuck, it's been three months since I put out a chapter, I've started over six times, and I have no idea where to go from here." To that end, I've given your critique more weight than any other I've received so far. So, please, don't take anything I'm about to say as a defense of the story, or a reason that I want to keep a certain element involved. I'd just like you to hear my reasoning.
Originally, the structure I had planned for this story was almost exactly what you're describing. The first volume or so would've described younger Venture's formative years, introducing the characters and events that would eventually lead up to what is now chapter 2. I was planning for several small time jumps as he grew up, with a final (not 14 1/2 years) one leading into Stab's story. However, after speaking with a friend of mine who also happens to moderate the Looking for Editors group, he informed me that that structure wouldn't be well received. His reasoning was that readers wouldn't enjoy it if the main plot suddenly switched gears at a volume break, but if, instead, they were made used to the gear switching by having the chapters switch back and forth, chapter by chapter, it would be more universally enjoyable. So, that's the direction I was going with chapter two. I wasn't planning to abandon the story of Venture's growing up, but it was going to be staggered along with what I'll call the main plot of Insanity's Flight.
The other reason I chose to go with this structure was because of a point I believe both you and Mixolydian Grey mentioned, and that is the influence of MN7. Now, don't get me wrong, I adore MN7, and I wouldn't come close to try and compare my writing to it. However, the only thing I have that really comes close to a complaint is the first several chapters. It's not that they're badly written, quite the opposite, but the sheer staggering amount of shit that happens to Murky, and with the amount of detail put into each event, it almost becomes a slog to get through. Insanity's Flight is not going to be much different. Things are going to get far worse for younger Venture before they get better, and I just didn't want my readers to share the same opinion about IF as I do on MN7. Not wanting to go back and re-read the story, or read it for the first time, because of how painful these chapters are going to be. I thought that, if I mixed up the tone a bit, then it would keep more people reading as they wouldn't be trying to get through a depressing slog every time I post a new chapter.
It may sound like I'm making this out to be why I'm staying with this structure. However, ever since I read your critiques, I've been giving serious consideration to shelving chapter two in its current form, and going back to my original structure. I still have a good portion of my original chapter two completed (I'd just planned to use it for chapter 4), so it wouldn't be a huge leap to just replace Captured with whatever I end up calling this one. Also, I'm hoping that Arowid would be ok with me potentially using his ideas for the ending and other various events of Captured, once it gets re-released.
I'd love to hear both your thoughts on this, as these are the absolute greatest critiques I've received so far. I'm also sorry it took me a week to respond, moving and illness both played their roles, but I've read both of your comments time and time again and, believe me, they've made a monumental impact. It's nice to finally have a couple of readers that are willing to take me to task on something they don't like, because I do want IF to be as enjoyable to as many people as possible, else, why would I publicly release it? I have no issues with changing aspects of the story if anyone believes that they can be improved, I just need people to tell me what those aspects are. Hopefully this response isn't too long and you both can get around to reading this and giving me your thoughts. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
6381895 I'm just glad that you're not giving up or getting flustered here. It can be hard to deal with criticism, but you're handling it like a pro.
Feel free to use any old idea I spout off if you think it can help you out. No worries.
As far as my thoughts on how you should proceed... That would be up to you. I can offer opinions, but the fact is that you understand this story and how it should play out better than anyone. Just do whatever you think is best for the story and you'll be fine, I'm sure. After all, you wowed everybody with that first chapter, so we know you have it in you.
And now for some
awfulquestionable advice.The idea of going back and forth like that is intriguing. I'd be careful that both stories "line up" in regards to events, but if done well this could certainly work. For the life of me, I can't recall ever reading any sort of story that followed this format, so I'm just gonna wing it when it comes to "advice." In other words, be warned, I'm just making stuff up at this point.
My initial thoughts are that this sort of format will probably have the greatest impact if the story follows a specific pattern. That pattern being that both "Venture" and "Stab" have separate but parallel adventures which can play off of each other thematically. Or even that both stories climax at the same moment, for reasons which are somehow linked or even directly tied to each other.
Of course, all of that might work better if the two stories were the same length. So... Have you considered writing both stories simultaneously? Perhaps writing the first section of the chapter from the perspective of Venture, and then the last part from the perspective of Stab? Each portion of Venture's story would come off much like a flashback sequence, but you'd be able to immediately compare and contrast the young colt and adult stallion in the same chapter. Possibly by remembering hardships endured in his earlier life Stab will understand how to get out of whatever his current predicament happens to be.
Just tossing ideas out there.
In regards to using your original structure, hmm...
I can certainly see why you were cautioned against jumping to Stab's story all at once, but that's kinda what happened anyway with the current chapter 2. Much of the backlash was because the change was so jarring, which is ironic since it seems that is exactly what you were trying to avoid. I'd venture (heh) to say that if the time jumps were spaced evenly and had solid but gradual character development in them, then you'd be better off going with a slow ramp up to Stab as opposed to flip-flopping back and forth between child/adolescent and adult.
If, for example, the reader has been primed by 2-3 consecutive chapters of 3-5 year time skips, then it won't come as such a shock when we find that our protagonist is suddenly fully grown. We'll have been expecting it ever since we saw those little words "Three years later..." at the top of a chapter.
I'd like to stress though, that all of this is just the personal opinions and random musings of an over-caffeinated and sleep-deprived mind. Feel free to use or disregard as you see fit.
And by the way,
D'aww... shucks. Thanks.
Cant wait for more!!
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6582985 Wow. Thank you so much.
6585169 np! feel free to join the group!
It's nice to see a FoE story that isn't littered with typos from the get go. Kudos to you there, sir, especially when you have persevered with writing despite the unfair rating this has gotten. I know the pain of trying to write a Fallout crossover and putting your heart and soul into the tale, only to get unexplained hate and downvotes for it. Hence, I hope that my thumb up can help your story achieve what you want it to.
So back at reading again after a two week break, lets take this chapter to the chopping block and axe it up into bite size pieces so I can be lazy at work and read this whole thing when there are no customors around. Now as mentioned before are these chapters rather big for my taste, so I will properly chop my chapters, and therefore comments, into pieces at times. So if you ever feel like the comment lack to cover a lot of stuff do you know why. Now onwards to the chapter!
So I am not gonna spoiler wall anything as such, if you read comments and reviews will you encounter spoilers one way or another after all.
I love the wording of this. Its simple, yet it tells us so much about the storyteller and the viewpoint of the wasteland that we are gonna explore. That the "the"s have been capitalized is a bit weird in my opinion.
So I know that she have another name, and that mixing anime and FoE is bad bad karma, looking at you PH... But that Lieutenant will from now on be known as Olivier Armstrong AKA Ice Queen to me from this point out, and nothing that you say and do will make me change that nickname!
Sniffle… lines such as this… they touch my heart. Bravo I say, bravo!
Instant fav from that line alone. Stories that can me laugh out loud does always get one of those!
So we have talked a bit about length before, and I must say that the first part of this chapter, with its perfect break after best pony ever got introduced would have made a perfect prologue with no edits to it what so ever. Just cut the first 6K words out of this chapter and make them into the prologue with no edits added and you are golden. We would have a perfect view of the Ice Queen, perfect view of how rotten the Enclave can be and just having ended an amazing scene that I haven't seen anyone else match in ages. Best part is that it would end on the perfect cliff hanger about what there would come next, especially with the character shift that happens afterwards, which is like one of my favorite literature tools since forever! Seeing the same setting with multiple eyes are just golden <3
OI! As a Dane, AKA the original Vikings do I take strong offence towards this scene!... We burn the woman and rape the houses, but we do not pillage anyone! And Vikings were the original pirates just saying, just doing mead instead of rum!
Welp… I am hooked! The chapters is a bit bigger than my liking, but you clearly know what to do with your words. Often are the main problem about big chapters not their size, but how bloated they are. PH is a good example, the chapters became longer and longer, less and less happening in each as more and more unneeded filler entered each and every one of them.
Nitpicks: I have been a pre-reader/editor for a handful of years now, so I must sadly admit that I have taken work damage and bring up the smallest of stuff to iron out.
"Fallout Equestria: Insanity’s Flight By Storm128 Prologue: Captured" Now the whole chapter name in the chapter is something that I personally dislike, you have it written there when you click on it after all, but I get why some does it. The credit and title of the story thou would I recomend removing completely, and then taking the chapter title, blow it up in some nice big letters and center it. Right now does it look like an ordinary line after all.
"several rows of rivets ran the lengths of heavy metal plate." Is it not missing a the?
". Most of the personnel on hoof for this operation were fresh recruits being introduced to life groundside for the first time" Would "At wing" not be more xenophobic towards the dirty dirty mudblood ponies that soil themselves on the icky ground?
"her communicator interrupted her again" Linebreak error. Fimfic is not friends with google docs or word for that matter, so expect a few of these, seems to pop up in many stories lately.
"the armored mare shrieking as the pile of metal and maniac pinned her to the floor." Would mister best pony call himself for a maniac?
"After what seemed an eternity of neverending ladder," feels like it is missing an a
"He paused for a second before continuing" This should not be italic
Fun Fact: Many "Close Door" buttons on elevators aren't connected to anything.
9603348
That's true, and one must wonder if this one was...
Just one of many compelling mysteries laden throughout this story.