Is there anything good on?
“The following program is brought to you by Food Network and the Travel Channel, with contributions from the Food and Agriculture Organization of the U.N.”
The TV screen went from the black pre-show sponsor screen to a scene of an immense outdoor kitchen. An ageing man with circular spectacles and a thin crop of hair appeared in the foreground. “Hello everyone and everypony, I’m Alton Brown and I’m here as one of many hosts for today’s special program! Chefs from all around the world and beyond it have come together today to explore the next step in cuisine. We’ve got a lot to cover today so once again, welcome one and all to the Grand Equestrian Cookoff!”
The screen shifted back to reveal the entire setup and the myriad of celebrities that were standing around it. Fireworks, lasers, and magic went off around the stadium as dramatic music played and the screen was intercut with pictures and names of the chefs present. A few of them looked familiar, but it took the name graphics to determine who a few of the chefs were. After all, it’s a little hard to distinguish someone when they’re now somepony.
After the opening credits stopped, the cameras went back to Alton. “All right, for starters we’re going to kick off our main competition. It’s time to see just how well Earth’s chefs can handle Equestrian fair. Let’s meet our teams!” The cameras switched and six chefs rose up on platforms while music familiar to any foodie began to play. “Ladies, gentlemen, fillies, and gentlecolts! I present to you your two competing Iron Chef teams!” The music swelled as the camera kept jumping back and forth between all four chefs; two humans and two ponies. “On the side of Earth we have Bobby Flay and Masaharu Morimoto. On the side of Equestria we have Pinkie Pie and Applejack. This is truly a battle for the ages and the planets. Who will be stand at the top of the food chain? Who will have the top quality food skill? And how exactly do you hold a knife with hooves? We’ll find out the answers today, but for now, we go to the Chairman, who will reveal the secret ingredient of the battle.”
A man in an elaborate costume came up on a platform and was accompanied by an overabundance of fog. “Chefs! You are gathered here today to do battle across dimensions and find out which reality is truly the ultimate purveyor in food!”
“Ooh!” Pinkie bounced up and down, but Applejack managed to keep her from getting too out of control. “This is gonna be the best most tasty battle ever!”
“Hold your horses Pinkie.” Applejack was doing her best to keep her friend on the ground, but they were still both bouncing up a little. “We don’t even know what we’re making yet.”
“Well I found out actually, but I Pinkie promised I wouldn’t tell anypony!”
“But you’ve been with us the entire time. How in tarnation did ya find out what it was?”
“Well you see–”
“Ahem.” The Chairman tapped his foot as he stared down at the ponies.
“Oh, uh,” Pinkie flashed him a nervous smile, “sorry.”
“Anyway,” the Chairman looked forward again. “The time has come to reveal today’s special ingredient!” A large metallic box rose in the center of the kitchen arena. “Today’s special ingredient will be...” The chairman made a flamboyant gesture, as if he was raising the lid on the mystery box. New music accompanied the unveiling. Multiple shots and angles were shown of the mystery ingredient. It looked good and golden. “HAAAAYYYY!”
“Yay!” Pinkie bounced out of her friends grasp and over to the the hay. “This is the best secret ingredient ever! Who would have thought we’d get hay?” She then grabbed a bushel with her mouth.
Applejack corked an eyebrow. “Ah thought ya said ya already knew what the ingredient was.”
“Weph Af dph bff Af sfll waffet if ta be a sufrise!” Pinkie exclaimed as she held onto the bushel with her teeth. She dropped the hay at her station.
“Well,” Applejack tipped her hat back, “We got some work to do.”
The camera switched back to Alton as both teams grabbed bushel after bushel of hay for their dishes. “There you have it folks, the battle of the universes has begun. We’ll be cutting back to check on the teams, but in the in meantime, let’s meet our celebrity judges.” The camera panned over to a table of four ponies, all of them obscured by shadows, although one of them still stood out like a sore thumb. “Now, while we have human chefs on one team, we’ve got an all pony judge panel. This is due to the human inability to digest hay, or rather the inability to gain nutrition from it. Anyway, let’s meet our judges. First up, hailing from New York City, the chef who makes loves to defy the norms, Anthony Bourdain!” The light went up on the first judge, revealing a white pegasus with a few brown splotches along his coat. His mane was brown as well.
“Thanks Alton, good to be here. Gotta ask though, why bother giving us silverware?” Bourdain shifted a fork around. “I mean, isn’t that kind of like giving a paraplegic kid a gameboy?”
“I see the hooves haven’t curved your dark humor.” Alton nervously chuckled. “Well, let’s move onto our next judge. If you haven’t heard her name before, welcome to the world of cooking. Let’s give a big welcome to Martha Stewart!”
The second light went on and revealed a pony with an blue coat and a very light green mane. “Hello Alton. Well, just got hooves a few weeks ago and I’m delighted to be having some quality pony food.”
“Now onto our native Equestrian judges. Hailing from beautiful Ponyville and a master in everything sophisticated, Equestrian bearer of the Element of Generosity, Rarity!” The third light went on and showed a white unicorn with a perfectly styled mane.
“Thank you Mr. Brown. It’s nice to be back here now that there’s so much more magic on this side. Let me just say this though, while the pony team may be my friends, I’m looking forward to each dish equally. I’m just worried they’ll all taste too good to decide which is the best.”
“That’s great to hear, glad you’re enjoying your time back here.” Alton moved onto the final judge. “Last, but far from the least, our very special guest, co-ruler of Equestria, Princess Luna!” The last light went on. The princess of the night’s identity hadn’t really been that hard to discover though, her flowing hair could only belong to one of two ponies, and if it had been Celestia, no amount of shadows or camera angles would have obscured her visage. The natural light Celestia produced ensured that a camera could make her out in any situation.
Luna coughed a little before speaking up, unfortunately in her Royal Canterlot Voice. “Greetings everypony! It is good to be here! I look forward to judging this contest!”
Alton stared at her blankly for a few seconds and rubbed his ears. “Um, Princess, we have microphones. You don’t need to use the, um, what was it called again?”
“The Royal Canterlot Voice!” Luna then looked embarrassed for a second. She stared down at the table for a second and then spoke up again, this time with a normal level voice. “I, um, suppose it is a bit loud. But regardless, I still wish the best of luck to both teams.”
The camera turned back to Alton. “There you have it folks. Our hand and hoof picked judges have all been introduced and it looks like the arena is already getting filled with cooking energy. Let’s see how both teams are doing.”
The human team was busy slicing up hay for a salad and mixing some other hay in a blender with some spices. “It looks like we’ve got the appetizer and the main entree being worked on the human side,” Alton commented. “It’s unclear what the main dish will be, but I’m venturing a guess that it may be a falafel-esque entree, given the spices that are being mixed with the hay. What the human team will do for their dessert dish remains a mystery.”
The cameras now panned over to the pony station. A glob of frosting hit one camera right on the lens as pieces of food went flying everywhere on that side of the arena. “In all my years watching culinary standoffs, I’ve never seen this much energy brought into the kitchen,” Alton continued with his commentary. “While Applejack appears to be rigid and controlled in her cooking, Pinkie Pie is a tornado of creativity.” As Alton spoke, Pinkie seemingly teleported around the area, grabbing whatever ingredient caught her fancy and adding it to a large mixing bowl. Meanwhile, Applejack was more meticulous with her movements, measuring out her ingredients and kneading a piece of pie dough while mixing a concoction of hay, carrots, and spices. “In contrast to the human team, the pony team has appears to have started on their dessert. At least that’s what I’m assuming Pinkie is doing with all the sugar based ingredients she’s grabbed. Applejack appears to be working on a pie of some sort, but not a dessert-based one. It might be an Equestrian equivalent of a chicken pot pie.”
The camera zoomed out to show both teams. “Both teams are showing their tenacity in the battle so far. But they still need to start on an essential piece of their courses. We’ll be back after this commercial break with more coverage and features. Remember, we’re also broadcasting live on Hulu and Youtube. Stay tuned.”
The screen went black for a second before changing to a white background with the silhouette of a pony and human shaking hand and hoof. “The following program is brought to you by the Conversion Bureaus.”
A commercial started to play. It began with a man packing up luggage for a trip. As a he packed, his voice narrated the scene. “It’s never easy moving to a new place. You worry about making new neighbors, finding friends,” the man stopped his packing and looked at two children playing in the backyard, “making sure your kids are safe. It’s a lot to worry about.” The man walked over to his wife and put his arm around her shoulder. “But I want what’s best for my family. That’s why we talked with our local Conversion Bureau and set up a plan for moving to Equestria.”
The scene now shifted to a hi-tech looking office, with doctors walking around carrying vials of purple liquid. A woman faded into the foreground while the office activity continued in the background. A little title in the bottom right corner listed her as Dr. Valnezula of the Havard Medical Department. “I’ve seen many patients over the past three years worry about getting hooves. Ponification is a short and simple process. You’re given a short introduction to pony life at one of our many centers across the world and then given specialized training in Equestria. Professionals in both worlds are here to make sure your transition is as smooth as possible.”
The screen changed back to the man and his family, only he was a pony now as was the rest of his family. “So what are you waiting for? A new life with new friends and experiences is just around the corner.”
The pony laughed and smiled with his family as a disclaimer played in a fast tone. “Ponification services available in all major cities. Closest locations can be looked up at ‘Givemehooves.com.’ Blueberry and cherry flavors available upon request. More information available online at ‘Givemehooves.com.’”
“Man, this is some weird shit.” I knocked back some more of my mountain dew. I looked back at my roommate, who’d also been watching the show. “You think you’re ever gonna go in?”
He shrugged and then replied, “What choice do we have? That bubble has already taken up all of the West Coast. In a few years it’ll be here on the East Coast too. I’m still waiting to get my degree though.”
“You know they still let you in if you have hooves, right?”
“Tch, yeah on top of schoolwork learn how to use an entirely new body. Thank god I didn’t go pre-med or I’d probably never get hooves. Also, if you’re so keen on it, why don’t you go get hooves?”
“I’m waiting until summer vacation. That way I can go home, see my family, and get converted there. Then I can move to one of those new ‘pony-designed’ places for senior year.” I noticed the screen switch back to the kitchen arena. “But for now, let’s just watch this.”
“Welcome back to Great Equestrian Cookoff!” Alton enthusiastically said to the camera. The camera shifted to show both humans and ponies racing around the area to complete their dishes. “Both teams are in the heat of battle trying to outdo each other other in culinary superiority. But while the teams duke it out, we’ll go to next feature. Take it away Andrew!”
The camera moved down and to the left to show a bald orange pony. While there was no hair on his head, he did have a silver tail. A plate with a question mark on it adorned his flank. “Hello everypony, Andrew Zimmern here. It’s nice to be back on Earth and be able to show some of my travels. Let’s take a look.”
The screen began to show a panorama of scenes from a land that looked too pristine to be real. The closest thing to compare it to would be shots of the vast fields of New Zealand, but even those paled in comparison to these pictures. Luscious fields, some of them filled with flowers were the first few dozen of photos. Andrew narrated as the photos continued to change. “This is Equestria, the strange land that arose just a few years ago. I’ve always been an adventurer when it came to food and no better opportunity presented itself for new tastes then a whole new world.”
A photo of Andrew before and after ponificition came up on the screen. “That did however mean I had to trade in my hands for hooves, but the new taste buds were worth it. Before I even set foot in Equestria, I found myself experiencing all sorts of new flavors from even the simplest meals. As a side note, apples in particular appeal to newfoals. But my quest for new flavors didn’t stop there. I wanted to see just what the food was like in my future home.”
Instead of pictures, a video now played. Andrew was on rickety dock that came into contact with the Equestrian Bubble. Up close, it really did look like a soap bubble. “I’m standing here at the barrier between the human and Equestrian world,” Andrew explained. “Now, unfortunately, we’ve had some technical difficulties. See, magic and technology, namely our video cameras, don’t mix well. We’re actually just using a really simplistic camera to film this right now as all the others got fried. We won’t be able to film stuff from here on out, but we can still take pictures. Well,” Andrew trotted forward, “I’m off.” Andrew then disappeared into the portal.
The screen switched back to showing pictures. “They say a picture says a thousand words, so I hope using pictures will help illustrate my travels in Equestria.” Pictures of Andrew exploring a town flooded the screen. “My travels took me to Ponyville, a model Equestrian town. Here, I got to sample a wide variety of dishes that are easily available in most towns across Equestria.”
A picture of Andrew eating a sandwich now appeared. “One of my first meals was something I never thought I’d eat, a daffodil sandwich. On Earth, daffodils are inedible due to a poison in their bulbs and leaves, but in Equestria they’re edible. The taste is similar to an especially sweet onion. Mixed with some greens and put between two slices of bread, it becomes quite the treat. Sandwiches composed of flowers and greens and the shops that sell them are common throughout the land. Think of them like deli sandwiches, but with plants instead of meat.”
The pictures now told the tale of Andrew trotting around Ponyville, sampling the various restaurants that dotted the town. But a familiar pink pony started to invade the photos. “It wasn’t long before we met our unintentional guide. While our crew had been content to just sample the various spots around town, Ms. Pie insisted on giving us a full smogeshboard from her workshop, Sugarcube Corner. We were more than happy to accept the generous offer.”
A building that seemed to be made of sweets dominated the screen. “Sugarcube Corner is one of Ponyville’s landmarks and is lauded for it variety of sweets and baked goods. Ms. Pie has been an employee of the Corner for a long time, but the owners are actually a couple called Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Like Ms. Pie, they were very eager to show off their wares and we happily obliged... maybe we should have been more careful with our words. By the time they were finished with us, we were more than a little full. But it was a unique experience trying things like hay biscuits, wheat-grass muffins, and cloud cake. The last one was especially interesting as nopony at the Corner could actually make it. Rather, it took a pegasus to craft this light dessert. Unfortunately, the baker of the cake was too shy to come on camera and explain how the confection was made, but Ms. Pie assured us that she’d thank ‘Fluttershy’ for us later.”
“Following our stop at the Corner, we were all feeling quite full for the day, but Ms. Pie insisted that we try one last thing. It took some convincing, but she said our destination was a bit of a walk, so we relented and eventually followed her to a nice looking farm. It was here that we met our second friendly local, Ms. Applejack. Ms. Applejack comes from a long line of farmers. Her grandmother was actually one of the original founders of Ponyville, making the Sweet Apple Acres Farm a historical site. But our main reason for coming here was to sample a jam that only the Apple family could make.
Andrew was holding a jar filled with something that rainbow colored. “This is Zap Apple jam. Aside from the Cloud cake, we’d been trying variations of plants you could find on Earth, but this was something pure Equestrian and the taste is quite shocking... literally. Zap Apples require a special harvesting and growing method that has been a key part of Apple family tradition. The closest I can describe the taste is a myriad of fruits. Sometimes you taste banana and sometimes you taste watermelon while eating it. But what overarches all those tastes is the electrical tingle that fills your mouth when you eat it. It’s not called a Zap Apple for nothing.”
“These were just a few of my highlights in Equestria. But expect to see more of my travels in Equestria in the new season of Bizarre Foods.” The screen went back to a the arena, with Andrew the focus of the camera. “I hope you all enjoyed that small taste of Equestria. It really is a fun land filled with all sorts of new flavors. Now lets get back to competition. Alton?”
“Thanks Andrew,” Alton responded. “The teams are now just putting the finishing touches on their dishes. The human team has come up with a hay ice cream for dessert while the pony team has made a hay noodle salad for their appetizer. The human team looks like it may have some stiff competition with dessert though as Pinkie has made a massive hay cake. We’ll be back for judging after the break.”
The commercial started. It showed some men in army uniform fighting what appeared to be Nazi zombies. “Call backup! I repeat, call backup!” a grunt yelled at another soldier.
“Sir!” The soldier yelled between firing rifle shots at the undead hordes. “All the other units are down!”
“Damn! Time to call in the aerial assault then!” The grunt pulled out his radio and whispered something indecipherable to it. The undead horde of zombies inched forward to the army men, but suddenly, most of them were destroyed in a huge fiery explosion.
A pegasus then landed in the middle of the flames, causing them to form a circle around him. “Men, mind if I drop in?”
The screen this shifted to show the Gamestop logo. “Try out the hooves with the pegasus and unicorn soldiers, only when you pre-order Call of Duty: Modern Warfare Five at Gamestop. Power to the players.”
I switched off the screen.
“Hey,” my roommate spoke up, “aren’t you gonna wanna see the ending?”
“Not if it’s bogged down with all this Conversion crap. I get it. World’s ending. It’ kind of hard to not notice the giant bubble eating everything!”
“Well what do you wanna do now?”
“Eh,” I turned and opened up my computer, “I’ll see if there’s any funny vids online.” I typed in a familiar address and noticed something very odd about the site. “That’s weird, it’s Saturday, why’s there a new video up?”
“Maybe he made a special video or something.” My roommate inched his head over to the screen and looked at the description. “Yup, if it’s Pokemon 2000 it’s gotta be a special video.”
I smiled and clicked on the video link. I sat through the same Gamestop commercial I’d just seen on TV and then the screen shifted to show a man in a cheap blazer, a cap and a very loose red tie. He seemed slightly disgruntled. “You know, I really get tired of seeing the same email time after time.” The man had started his act. “Eight years. For eight years, I’ve gotten the same email over and over and over and over ‘till I got PTSD from seeing the same email again. Hell, the end of the world happened and yet...” The man wildly gesticulated his arms. “Somehow you people still want me to review this damn thing.”
He now pointed a finger at the screen and waved it back and forth. “Well, let me make this perfectly clear. I’d rather become a talking cartoon horse before I–” An improvised lightning bolt hit the man and then a pony was sitting in his place. He comedictly looked down, patted his hooves on his chest, slapped himself across the face, and then despondently looked at the camera. “You know, I should really learn to keep my mouth shut.” He sighed deeply. “Well, seeing as even fate seems against me I’m the Nostalgia Critic and this is Pokemon 2000!”
I looked back at my roommate. “You seeing this?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “Was not expecting it though.”
“You think the other people on the site converted too?” I asked.
“Let’s find out.” My roommate shifted his attention back to the computer.
The screen showed a man in the shadows capturing a large phoenix-like bird. “So our story starts with the most evil dastardly no-good villain... capturing a pokemon!” There was a gasping sound effect as Critic brought his hooves to his face in mock terror. Critic lowered his hooves in a motion to silence the fake audience. “I know, I know. Shocking in a world where animals are stuffed into balls and then forced to battle. Now lets move onto our protagonists.”
The screen now showed a young kid with a red hat along with a girl and a boy with long hair. “This is Ash, I’m sure all of you remember him from my last review for not being able to remember him. To complete the ensemble of bland, we’ve got Misty, i.e. the ten-year old jailbait , and the other guy. You may notice he’s not the same guy from the first movie, but don’t worry, they’re both just as boring as the other.”
“Now unlike the first movie where we had to wait to see the heroes almost die in a storm, we get that almost immediately here.” The screen now showed all three protagonists getting caught in a massive storm. Everything went black for a second before a clip of Cast Away played, with Ash’s face superimposed onto Tom Hank’s body. “Okay, that doesn’t happen, but it’d still be a more interesting movie then this.”
“So following miraculously surviving a giant storm, our hero–” The screen went static for a second. “What the hell was that?” Critic peered at the camera. “Hello?”
There was more static and then a mare with a pigtails appeared on the screen. “Don’t do it Critic!”
“Nostalgia Chick?”
“Don’t review the My Little Pony movie! It won’t end well!”
“But I’m reviewing a Pokemon movie.”
Nostalgia Chick deadpanned for a moment. “Wait, I thought we were doing crossover of the MLP film.”
“Nope, that’s still CR’s and your department.” Critic crossed his hooves in a bored fashion.
“Crud! But the hooves and the mane! Do you know how long it took to get hooves?!”
“Um, five seconds?” Critic shrugged.
“I had to wait in line like two hours to get this done!” Nostalgia Chick playfully bantered. “How’d you get it done so fast?”
“Ticked off fate,” Critic replied and shrugged again.
“Stupid irony,” Nostalgia Chick muttered before trotting off screen.
Critic then shifted his attention back to the center of the camera. “Moving on. Our totally fleshed out characters find out they have to gather three pieces of a mystic treasure and unite them in order to save the world.” A scene of Ash picking up one of the orbs was dubbed over with a fanfare tune. Critic awkwardly looked at the camera for a second before regaining his composure. He spread his hooves out wide and said, “Nintendo, the purveyors of originality!” The screen went back to Ash and his quest. “But not all is well in Ash’s quest as he is interrupted by–”
The screen went static again and then a unicorn in a brown fedora and an equally brown coat showed up on the screen. “Critic! It’s not worth it!”
Critic corked an eyebrow “Linkara?!”
“Critic it’s not worth it to review the Pokemon movies! Trust me, I know... why are you are pony?”
“Why are you a pony!?” Critic pointed a hoof at Linkara.
“Insano messed around with hypertime again,” Linkara nonchalantly replied.
A green pony with black hair in swirly goggles and a lab coat now appeared on the screen next to Linkara. “I did it for science! Now that I’ve found the perfectly docile universe through my experiments in hypertime, I will rule the world... with SCIENCE!”
Critic kept a blank stare as he mouth dropped at what he was watching. “Alright Insano,” Linkara replied, “you may be a mad scientist bent on world domination, but I am a PONY!” Linkara then fake-kicked Insano off the screen.
Critic just waved off the silliness of the Linkara and Insano’s antics and went back to reviewing the film. “So anyway, I bet you’ll never guess who sho–”
A smaller screen came in from the left and started to shove itself into Critic’s face. A red haired woman in the scream proclaimed, “Prepare for trou–” Critic then shoved the screen out of the way.
“No! Every person on the damn Earth already knows what’s coming. We are not sitting through that stupid mo–”
The same screen now shoved itself in from the left. “Prepare for troubl–”
“No!” The critic yelled as he shoved the screen away again. “Do you know how annoying that motto is? Especially after hearing it said everywhere for years? Mark my words, there is no way that whole chant getting pla–”
The screen conked Critic on the head and then all of Team Rocket’s spiel played out. When it was over, Critic shoved the screen away and played a different clip. When the clip was over, he glared at the screen with a look of pure distaste. “Moving on.”
“So the rest of the movie pretty much turns into a quest for Ash and his gang to get the Trifor– I mean Dragon Ba– I mean whatever the hell magical mcguffin the plot shoehorned in! Meanwhile, the totally evil guy from the beginning of the film is out to capture the three legendary birds to ultimately capture an even more legendary bird named Lugia.” The screen changed to show all the other legendary pokemon from the games. “You know, things stop seeming a lot less legendary when there’s a bazillion of the little buckers running around.”
“Anyway, it’s eventually revealed that Ash is apparently ‘the chosen one.’” Critic’s glasses now reflected Ash’s face while technolgical music played. “You take the blue pill you wake up in your bed. But you take the red pill and you see just how far the victory road goes Mr. Ketchum.” Critic paused for a second and then yelled, “Machines!” Critic grew stern once again as more scenes of Ash dodging attacks played. “But really, are you that surprised that you’ve been watching the messiah of the pokemon world? I mean just look at him!” Critic showed pictures of Ash from various points in the anime. “Dude’s obviously immortal. Why not just elevate him to godhood and be done with it?”
The main villain was now shown capturing all the legendary birds. “So while all that is going on, the main villain continues to capture the birds. You know, like the main characters do on a daily basis. But seeing as the film had to have a bad guy, his attempts to capture the birds are evil because...” Critic raised a hoof dramatically before letting it fall slowly. He then grabbed a handful of papers marked “script ideas” and randomly threw them around. “C’mon, c’mon! There’s got to be a reason why he’s ev– Ah-ha!” The critic pulled out a piece of paper with his teeth and hurriedly started reading it aloud. “So the, uh, bad guy is bad because, um, he’s... causing chaos to the environment! Yes, the “Ted Turner/ Al Gore ploy,’ it always works!” A picture of Captain Planet and An Inconvenient Truth briefly flashed across the screen.
A scene of Lugia rescuing the heroes played.“But low and behold, the super-legendary bird shows up in time to save the group from sheer doom. You know, if the main character wasn’t already a god among men, I might call this bullshit ex machina. But that’d be silly.” Critic playfully waved off his own comment before his expression slowly soured. “Hell, just to confuse the audience more, Team Rocket, the villains from every single episode of this damn show, even show up to help.”
“We’re doing it for villany’s sake though,” James interrupted.
“Shut up!” Critic yelled at the blue haired cartoon man. He then turned back to the camera. “Okay, enough of this shit!” A quick montage of the rest of the film played. “They find all three piece of the treasure, the bad guy is defeated, order is restored to the world, and I want to gouge my eyes out with rusty spoon.”
“Ugh!” Critic’s form slumped. “Ya happy people? I did it. I reviewed one of the most requested films ever. So now will you please shut up?”
“Review Pokemon 4 Ever,” a fake audience voice called out.
“No, review Pokemon 3!” came another voice. Critic started to back away from the camera.
“Review Destiny Deoxys!” The voices started to grow into a loud roar of chaos. Critic shied away more.
“Review this!”
“No, review this!” Critic covered his ears to make the complaints shut up.
“This is the worst film ever!” Critic started to have a nervous breakdown.
“This one is even worse!” Critic was biting his hoof in terror.
“I’ll bet I’ve found the worst movie of all ti–”
“Enough!” Critic yelled as the voices stopped. “I’ve put up with this for eight years! Do you know how much shit that is? I couldn’t just fertilize the lawn with all the crap I’ve reviewed. I could fertilize the whole damn planet and still have enough to fertilize Mars!” A picture of a large turd atop Mars briefly flashed across the screen. “Well that’s it people. I need a breather.” Critic moved a hoof along his beard. “If only there were some way to break out of reviewing crappy movies and shows.”
Another pony walked onto the screen. “Hey Critic, you got something in the mail about a job offer. Seems kinda fake though.” The other pony reached into a saddlebag and pulled out a letter.
Critic quickly opened in and read its contents aloud. “Dear Nostalgia Critic, you are invited to the Channel Awesome Comedy Tour that will be running through all of Equestria. You, along with all the other reviewers, will be doing a stand up improv tour across various towns in Equestria. Ponies will be able to see you for the low low price of twenty five bits a ticket. Locations will be announced in the Equestria Daily Newspaper.”
Critic put down the letter and looked at the other pony. “Wow, this sounds too good to be true,” he said in a playfully sarcastic voice.
“I know Critic,” the other pony replied. “It’s almost as if we just came up with an elaborate plan to sell out or something.”
Critic stared at the other pony for a second. “Naw, that’d just be silly.” He looked back at the screen. “Well people and ponies, it’s been a wild ride, we’ve had the good times.” The screen showed multiple shots of Critic beating up his fellow reviewers. “The bad times.” A montage of Critic getting beaten up by reviewers and fans played. “And just weird times.” Clips that appeared to be totally random including a scene of an odd man talking and Critic singing as a sentient piece of crap played. “But overall I just want to thank everypony who’s watched and stuck by Channel Awesome all these years. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I’ve remembered it so you didn’t have to.” Critic trotted off the screen, but popped his head back in for a second. “And remember to check out the comedy to–” A horseshoe hit Critic in the face. “Okay, I’ll just leave details in the credits. Thanks for watching!” The credits played with a big “Thank You” at the top and promises of a wrap up video in the future.
I turned to my roommate. “Did... did we just watch the final Nostalgia Critic episode?”
“I think so,” he replied.
“Darn, I was hoping he’d stick around until we finished school.” I sighed deeply. “Now what are we gonna watch?”
“Friendship is Magic?” My roommate teased. I lightly punched him in the arm.
“I’ll get enough of that in the ‘Equestrian Culture’ class next semester. It’s required for everyone anyway.” I closed my computer and put it in my bag. I got up and started walking to the door.
“Where are you going?”
“To read a book. I hear the library just got a new shipment of Daring Do books.”
“You really like that series don’t you?”
I opened the door and turned to my roommate. “It does Indiana Jones better than Lucas.” I closed the door and walked off to the library. It was a very weird Saturday.
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First!
Second. Also, great chapter!
But who won Iron Chef? I have to knooooowwww!!!!
Pretty good.
I love a good jab at pop-culture, and what better way to jab than with a razor sharp wit?
This would be an okay way for the world to end. I would protect Earth to the best of my abilities (Not much, sadly) but would be awesome to be a unicorn!
Not the first but I have already preordered Mass Effect 4 so I can get Iron Will as the multilayer character... anyhow I am off to do crazy over in Australia for a bit. Fake & Gay as always.
-Bunnana King
Huh...
I liked it!
Seriously, this was a great way to show how life has returned to something resembling normalcy despite an invading alien cosmos and the narrowly averted collapse of spacetime. Though I am wondering how the ponies are reacting. How are they reacting to incoming newfoals? To the new space easing population pressure? Are any going out to explore Earth while they can?
Well, we're only three chapters in. I'm sure you can cover all of that if and when you want to.
WHY can't this be real ; ;
582016
The key I think to preserving technology is understanding the universe you are entering works with different rules.
Modern microprocessor-based computers, as we understand them, are simply the best implementations we have for a concept.
Once you divorce yourself from the idea that "Computers are made with really fidgety and sensitive circuit boards and so on" then you are open to a lot of things.
(I have no idea what'd happen to the data stored on hard disk platters, I'd assume it's right screwed unless some clever Unicorns/Luna get on the job)
603573
Oh good, I wasn't the only one to wonder that!
Um... Sooooooo... That happened Man, that alternate universe tag is really working out for me. Still, it was and shall always be a good way to put a spin on complete and utter garbage.
I kind of like these Conversion Bureau stories that emphasize stuff from our world. I feel that's the whole point of it, having ponies interact with stuff that we know.
I'm still curious to see who won the Iron Chef thing. I liked this even though I don't really watch the Food Network or Nostalgia Critic all that much.