Chapter 2 - Realization
After I blacked out, I was unable to interpret many pieces of information from the moments before Twilight knocked me out. All I could-could think was that I was still at home and had just fallen asleep. However, that belief was quickly shattered as a blinding blue light was shone through the darkness, causing me to shield my eyes from it. After I regained the ability to see I could see the large figure of Princess Luna standing gracefully before me.
The first thing I said before I even gave her time to say anything seemed to surprise her “Princess Luna!? What the heck!?” I then sighed as reality came crashing down on me I wasn't dreaming I was really in Equestria.
As I looked back at her she seemed to look as confused as me.“How did thou know who we are?” She said.
I Just looked at her “some things are best left unknown,” I simply said.
As much as I guessed that she wouldn't back down I knew myself to be quite stubborn at times. I guess that she worked that out as well as she didn't ask again even though using the Royal Canterlot Voice would get me to tell her what she wanted easily
She then turned back to me and asked me one question “We guess thou will want answers on what happened to thyself”
I simply nodded and just wanted to know one thing that confused me “I just want to know what this thing is!” I point towards my right hand but notice that the ring was no longer on my finger. “huh... Where did the ring go?” I asked her.
Luna just looked at me “what ring would that be” now I was even more confused than before.
“It was a green ring that appeared on my hand when your dear sister looked as if she was going to cast a spell to me to burn me alive” I explained to her.
“the ring thou are referring to seemed to disappear as soon as art was hit by Miss Sparkle's spell”
I sighed as I finally understand that maybe the ring wasn't real, it WAS just a ring after all. "Oh well,” I sighed “I guess it wasn't a big loss I didn't even know how that ring worked anyways" Even though I knew who she was, I had to make it seem as if I had or seen her before “Wait for Miss Sparkle? Who is that?”
After I said that Luna simply looked at me she just shook her head and said “I guess thy hadn't had the chance to hear the name of the pony who hit thee in the back”
“Sadly not,” I said sadly “But at least I can now put a face to the name. Anything else I should know about her? I'm guessing that your dear sister has a bit of a past with her?”
Luna just looked at me and laughed and then simply told me “thy could say that there are two things thee should know about her firstly that she is our sisters prize pupil and secondly she”
I cut her off quite quickly and say, “is one of the six Elements of Harmony of which she embodies the Element of Magic.” I then realise what I just said “oops”
Luna then looks at me in surprise as she says “how does thee know that but dost not know her by name?”
I simply sigh at the fact she knows everything now. “I guess that there is no way of hiding it now; I guess I better start with what else I know about the Elements before I continue. In all there are 6 Elements these are: Generosity, Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, Loyalty and Magic. As I have already said Magic is embodied by Twilight. I also know that Generosity is embodied by Rarity, Honesty by Applejack, Kindness by Fluttershy, Laughter by Pinkie Pie and Loyalty by Rainbow Dash. They found their Elements when they were trying to stop.”
I then stop as I realize what I am about to say, but Luna quickly finishes the sentence off for me “Us whilst under the influence of Nightmare Moon from trying to create an eternal night.”
I then see her face as I realize how upset this has made her. I instantly decide to try to cheer her up the only thing I can think of would be a song but with no instrument around I decide that it's out of the question. Unless? I decide that I could see if Luna could create a guitar for me to use to my dream. “Luna”
She looks up and I can see that she is very upset “what is it”
“I want to try to cheer you up, but I need my instrument to manage it. Could you please help me by finding a way of getting my guitar into this dream” I ask calmly
“We suppose it's possible, but we don't know if it will be the guitar thy came here with”
“I don't mind if it's not mine, I just think I can play a song you may know to cheer you up”
“We suppose it's worth a try” I then see her horn start glow in a mystical blue to light and an acoustic guitar similar to the one I had when I arrived to Equestria fell over my arms and rested against my chest. Luna then looks at me and asks “does this look like it, will work?”
I then look at her and just give her an approving look then say “there's only one way to find out” I then start to test out the guitars strings. All of the strings seem to be fine and the guitar seems to be perfectly tuned for the song I want to try. I then look towards Luna and tell her “I think I'm ready”
She then looks back towards me and says “when thou’s ready”
I then reach towards the guitar and start to play one song I know will cheer anybody up. Well, anypony in this case.
After the song finishes, I see Luna suddenly look so much happier as she walks towards me and then whispers in my ear “thank you”
I then look back towards her and simply reply to her with a bow and say “it's my honer Princess”
Luna then looks back at me and laughs and says “we are surprised thy seem a lot kinder than we were left to believe from when my sister found you with an angered Twilight Sparkle. We were wondering why was she so mad with you”
I then rub the back of my head and decide there is no point in making an excuse for my actions “I sort of shouted at a young filly for something she called me” the last bit being barely audible.
Luna then looks at me and just asks me something I really didn't want her to ask about “may I ask what the word she called you was and why you hate it so much?”
I then frowned at her and tell her the word first “The word she called me was freak”
Luna looks at me and then asks me the one question I really didn't want her to ask “We don't see why the word freak would anger you so much”
I clenched my hands into a pair of fists, my breathing slowing as I gritted my teeth at the word before I say to Luna “That word is the one word that was used by children when I was at school to insult me before they would beat me up and treat me like dirt.” I slowly began to cry, falling to the floor as my legs gave out beneath me “They were the reason I hated every moment of my life from when I was twelve to seventeen years old. I hated those 5 years, feeling unwanted because of them.” I then slumped down, slipping my head between my crossed legs as I muttered out two more sentences to her “They made me feel useless and unwanted, like a monster that didn't even deserve to be on the same planet as them. They made me want to commit suicide on so many occasions, the only thing that kept me sane, that helped me to not give up, was a single show on television."
I then see Luna yes shift towards to as she then wraps her wings around the side of my body and then asks one thing “what was this show about?”
Without thinking I reply to her “Twilight and her Friends”
Luna then looked at me astonished and then said “so that's how thy know so much about us”
I then said in a voice that could probably match Fluttershy's in terms of quietness “yes”
She then looked back at me and said “cheer up thou don't want everyone to see thy in such a state do you?”
My voice slowly becomes louder again as I slowly begin to stop crying as is manage to say “of course I don't. Wait did you say everyone”
“Then thy better get ready to wake up it won't be long now,” she says in a voice that reminded me of my mother's voice.
She then slowly began to fade from my dream. Just before she left I mangled to ask her one last question “will I see you again?”
She answered just before she faded by saying “we will definitely be seeing you again.”
She then faded completely from the dream as a bright light started to shine right in front of me. I then slowly felt my body begin to awake from its slumber.
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please continue this, it's a great story!more please?
Please continue the story it is so good dontet haterz bring you down its a really good story.
5698369 oh a ain't already in the middle of writing a third chapter but it will be quite long i'v a few meeting to do and a lot of apologies to hear and say namely to Scootaloo and from Twilight. I will tell you there is likely to be a few songs before the end of this chapter i see no ham in giving you one of them
and if you wonder how i will get this to work lets just say he can more than create a ring
I hope to bring it to you by Sunday but don't hold me to it as I may finish it earlier
5698387
5698396 I just want to know what did you like about the second chapter?
5698422 I liked all of it it was fabtabulous
5700973 thanks
Just a Quick note to all to say that chapter 3 is almost ready i just have a small bit left and then I just need to proofread it, I should be getting this out later today or early tomorrow this is in GMT by the way
5698387 Again, on chapter two, I see a severely insufficient application of commas. That looks to be one of your largest weaknesses in writing, from what I've seen so far. I like the idea of the story, I'm writing a distantly similar one myself, of which is based sixteen years after the events of http://www.fimfiction.net/story/223095/living-nightmare. Maybe you could read over it a little and compare it to your own (gramatically, of course), and see if you could rewrite anything to be clearer using guidelines set by my story.
I'm going to give you another edit, such as I did for Chapter 1 not ten minutes ago, for you to look at.
Before:
My hands suddenly clenches into a fist and my breath suddenly becomes slower as I gritted my teeth at the word before I say to Luna “That word is the one word that was used by children when I was school to insult me before they would beat me up and treat me like dirt” I slowly start to cry and collapse to the floor “they were the reason I hated every moment of my life from when I was twelve to seventeen years old. I hated 5 years of my life and felt unwanted because of them” I then slumped down and put my head between my crossed legs as I muttered out 2 more sentences to her “they made me fell useless and unwanted, they made me feel like a monster that didn't deserve to be on the same planet as them. They made me almost want to commit suicide on so many occasions, the only thing that kept sane was one show on the television that helped me to not give up.
After:
I clenched my hands into a pair of fists, my breathing slowing as I gritted my teeth at the word before I say to Luna “That word is the one word that was used by children when I was at school to insult me before they would beat me up and treat me like dirt.” I slowly began to cry, falling to the floor as my legs gave out beneath me “They were the reason I hated every moment of my life from when I was twelve to seventeen years old. I hated those 5 years, feeling unwanted because of them.” I then slumped down, slipping my head between my crossed legs as I muttered out two more sentences to her “They made me feel useless and unwanted, like a monster that didn't even deserve to be on the same planet as them. They made me want to commit suicide on so many occasions, the only thing that kept me sane, that helped me to not give up, was a single show on television."
Again, if you need my help, feel free to PM me and I'll give you all the help you could ever ask for.
Ugh woe is me
Okay. I'm having issues with the protagonist. I can understand people being delicate flowers and all - I've gone through some 10 years of bullying myself* - but man, this guy is how many years old? Tearing up at the drop of a hat... I don't know. I'll give it a chance, because I really like these types of stories, but... the protag feels like a wet noodle with a generous application of rage triggers. It's cringe-worthy every other line.
I don't think I've ever met a person like that. Really. Ever. It's jarring, and it feels hella uncomfortable to play along, you know? I like to pick a character as I read along and play with it, bring out different shades through a bit of voice-acting... not always the protagonist, either; but this guy? Really hard to get into, unless I just skip half of the emotional drama and just stabilize him into one emotion for longer periods.
* far from saying I was innocent in this - I was very much like Twilight Sparkle of old, at age 6; my mom was really nice in that she always told me how special I was... let's just say other kids at that age don't take too kindly to a kid that's always smarter (in his own eyes), and always knows it; for all of that smarts and intelligence, it took me fifteen years to figure out what I did wrong at the time, and that I was a massive asshole to everyone... talk about being blind, man
EDIT 2021/07/16
Don't get me wrong, I'm still a massive asshole to everyone. It's just that now I'm aware of it. ;P