• Member Since 15th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

The Dark Brony


Hello all! I am and Englishman who had now began to write and has just stepped out the proverbial broney closet.

Sequels1

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With the mundane amount of space in the world around earth, a man named Craig is ripped from his reality and thrown into a new. As he ascends to the soil of equestria he is magically gifted by an unknown source to create or replicate anything from his worlds entertainment system on a whim. Grasping the reality that is now his home, he lives and follows his new found friends into endless adventures.

Chapters (26)
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Comments ( 153 )

Good story keep writing and I'm sure it'll get even better

I don't know whether or not to like it. I certainly don't dislike it, but Scootaloo and Twilight seemed a little more sadistic than usual. Aside from that it's not that bad of a start. One thing you absolutely need to do- is you need to proofread your story. There are a bunch of spelling mistakes throughout the whole thing, so definitely re-read and fix those. I would say putting a song in the middle of a story is kinda weird- the whole context of the scene with the song is weird- but I'm not gonna hold you accountable on that, just saying you might be losing some readers for just that reason, sometimes people are uber picky. Also it does feel slightly rushed, more detail is always something you could add. Aside from that, seems like a decent start, not great, but good.

This isn't the first story I've seen with this premise. Or even with this title.

The other one was shite too, just so you don't feel AS bad about your lacking originality.

Another FNG, huh? Alright, mate. A few pro tips for this site. First, if you're premise is simply "A _________ in Equestria" especially if it is the title, then you're off to a rough start.

HiE is a highly difficult, high risk genre. If I were you, I'd stick to easier things like romance and slice of life til you get some experience under your belt.

Image is everything on here. Your story, and especially its description, title, and cover, need to pop enough to grab people's attention.

That's all I got for tips at the moment.

hello my name is Craig and I am 18 years old am English gave black hair, green eyes and white skin. I have a passion of playing computer games and always wanted to try to learn to play the guitar. Oh and yes I am a brony.

Hi, I'm Blackguard and I don't give a fuck. Here's the problem with introductions like this, nobody cares and unless there's a reason for putting this in your story then you shouldn't care either. Unless you're the kind of person that does this when introducing yourself to complete strangers, then don't include it.

But this is the only thing I can say because literally, and I'm not trying to be mean here, but I've gotten halfway through this story and I can't go any further. It's bland, has painful dialogue and a plot so cliche that I can practically tell you what is going to happen next.

Look, it's your first story. I get it. You want to put down something personal but making a story personal is the easiest way to get yourself kicked in the nadgers. You need to start off small and generic. It would also help if you read more stories on this site to get a feel for what sells and what doesn't. That is unless you're simply writing this for yourself and don't care what others think of it in which case you can tell me to push off and do what you want to do.

5687784

Hi, I'm Blackguard and I don't give a fuck.

Lets take a look at your first two sentences.

hello Hello my name is Craig and I am 18 eighteen years old am English gave black hair I don't even...what?, green eyes and white skin. I have a passion of for playing computer games and *I've* always wanted to try to learn to play the guitar. Oh and yes I am a brony Just don't.

Either you're trolling, or you're twelve. Either way—please stop making British authors look bad.

hello my name is Craig and I am 18 years old am English gave black hair, green eyes and white skin. I have a passion of playing COMPUTER games and always wanted to try to learn to play the guitar. Oh and yes I am a brony.

K thanks bye. *insert troll meme here*

i'll reserve judgement until i see celestia's reaction, twilight seems just a bit psycotic and she should be calle dout on it.

5688295 OK fair enough but in the way i was thinking if someone scared a friend of your never mind someone who is of a race you don't know would you just stay there and do nothing

5688336 even so thats essentialy saying twilight does this to any gryphon, daimond dog or minotaur who happens to startle one of her friends.

5688209 OK thanks for that i really helped but i need to be honest with you on the fact that i am dyslexic so i'm sorry about my grammar and spelling

5688348
OK then I will agree on all but the Diamond Dogs as they did take Rarity and if i remember correctly she wasn't very happy with them for one.

5688252 In terms of them being scared of him i just need to say that Applebloom wasn't scared of Zecora and actually wanted to know more about her. In fact maybe it would work better if I switch it so Applebloom talks to me instead of Sweetie Belle.

In terms of him being a Lantern it ain't happening the point of him is that he has somehow found a way to make any object or recreate any ability/power a character has so in this case Hal's Ring. However i am planning on it NOT being permanent and after he blacks out it disappears also he has no idea of how these powers works.

Finally no I'm not making all humans evil it's not my plan to do that I am simply making it so this is a misunderstanding for him to explain to them later on

Thanks for your input I will make these changes to the story to improve it for everyone

5687761 thanks for the help unfortunately i don't have a picture to use for this at the moment when i find one i may use it or if anyone can think of make a good one for it. :pinkiesmile:

5690100
When in doubt, google search something significant to the story. Even a generic image is better than none at all.

please continue this, it's a great story!more please?:fluttershysad:

Please continue the story it is so good dontet haterz bring you down its a really good story.:twilightsmile:

5698369 oh a ain't already in the middle of writing a third chapter but it will be quite long i'v a few meeting to do and a lot of apologies to hear and say namely to Scootaloo and from Twilight. I will tell you there is likely to be a few songs before the end of this chapter i see no ham in giving you one of them :pinkiehappy:

and if you wonder how i will get this to work lets just say he can more than create a ring :rainbowhuh:
I hope to bring it to you by Sunday but don't hold me to it as I may finish it earlier

5698396 I just want to know what did you like about the second chapter? :trixieshiftright:

5698422 I liked all of it it was fabtabulous

Just a Quick note to all to say that chapter 3 is almost ready i just have a small bit left and then I just need to proofread it, I should be getting this out later today or early tomorrow this is in GMT by the way

it is done the next chapter of this story is complete thank you for waiting this is likely to be one of the longer chapter I will be doing I hope you enjoy it :pinkiehappy:

5708998

Do you know how many fics have had this exact same premise?

5709261 no now many I've heard the fact someone said that there was one under the same name but couldn't find it

5709314

It's pretty obvious that you're new to this site, and fic writing in general. Let me put it this way: If Fimfic were an online multiplayer game, Brony in Equestria fics would be the annoying 14 year-olds: annoying, crude, and much, much too common.

I'm not saying that they're inherently bad- on occasion, you'll get a fic or two that manages to take the concept and make it good- but all too often they come off as half-baked self-insert fantasies, in which Human A bangs Ponies B, C, D, and E. Unless you really know what you're doing, it's nearly impossible to make a fic like this good.

My recommendation: scrap this fic, then try again with a more original concept. Trust me, it'll help a lot!

Best regards,

Flint-Lock

5709966 my answer to you is no when i start something i finish it no exceptions so no i'm scrapping this it is staying till it's finished besides it's just the beginning. if you give in at the first obstacle you will never improve or mange to do anything in life

5709996

if you give in at the first obstacle you will never improve or mange to do anything in life

Harsh criticism is hardly an obstacle. It's more of a guide.

besides it's just the beginning...

...and it sucks. A good beginning is like a lure. It draws the reader in, then hooks them. From then on, the writer just keeps reeling it in.

5710019 Listen mate the OC's personal to me to vet my hatred of my own life before recent events for me this is just me writing my own personal fantasy. I'm sorry about flipping i needed to get that off my chest i guess i put a bit of the temper into the character i just didn't want to use my name being a closet brony and all. but the characters past is based on my own in some ways. so sorry for my reactions to your post i don't mind criticism it's just i don't like being told to give in on something. i don't ever want to give up not back when life was tough not now. and once again sorry for the rant

5710068 thanks i guess i just don't want to give in for those who faverated this or are even following it

so i always say constructive critisism is the best way to help poeple fix mistakes and better them selves.i think i may have had one continues cringe through this entire chapter.

well. im not giving it a glowing review, but for what it is id give it a 3 out of ten. spelling errors, repeated words, little logic in several parts are the reasoning behind the low rating

5711893 OK i will be going back through the chapter and doing a mass check. but i was just wondering when i didn't use much logic? To be honest its people like you i want to comment on my stories as if there are mistakes i want to know so i can sort them out. it doesn't help i have nobody else to check them and i have to write this alone

5712579 the forth chapter is on hold there seem to be issues with chapter 3 which i need to fix once the chapter is sorted i will start chapter 4. Though i may do a bit of later chapters when laptop goes offline but i don't know.

5713054 you are one of the few who have said that to find out an prime example look at the argument between flint-lock's and myself

5713591
Well he is right there is a few mis-ups here and there but I think it is still a good story. :pinkiehappy:

5712255 one thing that you'll find as a rider is that no one will notice when you spell something right but everyone will see when you spell it wrong, or repeat words, as for the little logic, i think the randomly bursting into song like that just sort of... idk, at least build up to it or something. and then there was that part where he just you know freaked the fuck out when he was called a freak (no pun intended) that right there is something worth debate. the way he just goes into a rage just sort of is something someone his age just would not do. and then there was the part with pinkie, you could just say thats just pinkie but then again even when pinkie is being pinkie she is never that accurate. these are the things i can think of off the top of my head. the concept you set up in the description is a hard one to pull off, especially when your trying not to make him over powered, all he would need to do at the point you left off would to be to summon up the powers of a game like diablo 3 or idk any dragon ball z game. you need to put restriction on his powers, limit how much he can summon and how powerful they can be, for example say he wants to summon a super soldiers abilities like say master chief from halo, limit it so that he can only summon it for a short time or not to the same degree.

5715052 funny you say about the time limit go back to the first chapter when the ring disappeared he no longer has a ring i made that the point. also he has no idea that he can use insane powers he just things somethings happened to his DNA allowing him to summon things but the way it works is the stronger the thing he creates the less time it works. also notice how his speed left right after he humiliated dash. In the next chapter after he wakes up his guitar has changed back to an acoustic and the Turntables and drum will be gone so he will never be permanently overpowered. and the freak out OK i see your point but i am trying to say is that the issues he's had has made him emotionally unstable in other word he will snap at the littlest things the work 'freak' is a trigger to this many other things will do this like threatening people he cares about or hurting people he has promised to protect. Music it has everything to do with basic magic and something is going to happen in the next chapter to reflect this. i will tell he can picks things up instantly and that's how he learned the instruments as easily as he did Oh and one thing about him i left out that i will mention later on in the story. And to argue with pinkie never being that accurate i ask you to refer back to the end of the first Equestria Girls when she relays the last few events of that night. and when Human pinkie Identifies that there is a second Twilight and Spike along with her knowing but what Twilight was an Alicorn princess

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