Chapter 4 - How this works (Unedited)
Well, I have to say, this is strange lying in a tent I created with my mind, and then knowing I am going to be camping with Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Twilight, Spike and maybe Applebloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle but unlikely Rarity. yeah that's much weirder
My thought is then abruptly halted as I see the tent start to dissipate whilst I am inside it, and the outside world starting to slowly come into view. As the tent finally completely disappears I say “What the buck just happened?”
At this Pinkie Turns to look at me and says “Craig where's your tent?”
I just look at her and say, “Would you believe me if I said I was inside it then it slowly disappeared around me?”
“No, I wouldn't if I didn't see it myself, to be,” A voice says from behind me says. I instantly notice Twilight's.
I then hear a new voice that I hadn't heard previously “I seriously wouldn't have either Twilight. But what is that thing?”
I then turn around to see both Twilight and a small purple dragon staring at me. I then look at twilight and say “So this is Spike? I hate to say it, but I see that a bit of you has rubbed off on him. And by that I mean think first and ask questions later.” After that I the kneel down in front of Spike put my hand out towards him and say, “Hello my name is Craig, I am a human and I believe that I have appeared from another reality. I guess that your name is Spike. I have heard a lot about you from Twilight.”
Spike then looks at me and says “Guess you know who I am. Glad to meet you” and with that he extends his claw to me as we shake hands.
I then look at him and say “well done you are the third creature that has not either insulted me or attacked me since I arrive here this morning”
He then looks at me and says “Wait you're that”
Twilight then cuts him short and says “Spike! Don't call him a freak he'll lose it” she then stops, looks at me to see my hand clenching into a fist and says “sorry Craig I didn't think”
I then once again snap at her and say “that seems to be a damn reoccurring thing here! Why the buck would you of all creatures not think you are the bucking student of the Princess; your one of the smartest creature around!”
With that I hear hear another noise from behind me who I realise is Applejack says “Why do ya react so violently to that word”
To that I just turn around to her and say “I guess the shit I when though back home must be leaving me a bucking mental wreck. But I guess you would be if you were beaten up by people when you are just walking home from school on a daily basis and being called a freak most of the time. I suppose that's why that word is a bucking trigger to my temper. Along with making threats against my family and people I care about!” I then stop and fall to the ground and begin to cry again.
At this twilight looks at me and says “Wait. You've been through that and still find a reason to smile?”
I then notice Applebloom walk up to me and wrap her hooves around me and say “I'm sorry nopony deserves that sort of past. That's just ain't right”
I then hear Applejack say “I'm with you sugercube his past is just plain wrong”
I then hear Applebloom say “an I thought the way Diamond Tiara treated me was bad, But I 've nothin on ya. Ya seriously have been to Tartarus and back aven't ya.”
I then hear twilight turn to pinkie and ask “Pinkie do you think you could find another tent from somewhere, it looks like Craig's is gone.”
All I can hear is a quick “Okey Dokey Lokey” from Pinkie as she disappears from sight.
Twilight then turns back to me and says “Craig are you alright now”
To this I look up at her and say “Yeah. In fact I think that I may have an idea how my powers work, and why things I make seem to disappear.”
At this twilight just looks at me and says “really”
To this I just look at her and say “I take that you were being sarcastic and yes really. My powers seem to relate to games I played back home. The ring I had was from a game called Green Lantern Rise of the Manhunters. That burst of speed that I used to catch Rainbow off-guard was from a series called Sonic the Hedgehog. The Guitar and drums was from a series called Guitar hero and the Turntables from DJ Hero. I also believe that they seem to disappear quicker the more powerful the object or skill is.”
At this Twilight says “Sounds like you seem to understand them a bit”
I just look at her and say “Yeah. But there's one thing I don't understand yet.”
Applejack then looks at me and says, “and what exactly would that be?”
“The fact that before I came here I had never played Guitar in my life, nor had I ever used a set of turntables. I don't understand how I knew how to use them.”
At this they all look at me in shock then Twilight says “did you say you hadn't used your guitar before you came here? How had did you even know the notes to the songs”
I just look at her and say “again I don't know. All I can think is that maybe the portal I came through changed my DNA in some way but I am clueless on it”
At that moment, Pinkie came back in a pink blur carrying another tent and says “this tent should be big enough for you” at this I see Pinkie instantly set the tent up for me within a matter of seconds.
I this my mouth just hung open as I notice strange fact “Pinkie that looks like the tent I had back home, how did you?”
Before I finish my sentence I then hear Pinkie say “oh and I believe you may want this”
At that she hold out a sleeping bag and my jaw drops once again as I say “wait, wait, wait, you have just given me both my tent from home world and my sleeping bag from my home. How have you got these? You know what we'll sort this out after I have my stuff in my tent I think I need it sorting quickly before it gets to dark” however as I turn around I can see that Pinkie has already moved my stuff into the tent. To that I just look at her and say “I'm not even going to ask I think I may put all this down to you being you.”
At this Applejack says “ah say ya just go with that”
I then look back at them and say “if I am right about where my originate from and I may be able to recreate amazing skills” I then think maybe I could manage to do one of the Skyrim thu'ums?
I then hear Pinkie say, “Craig what's a thu'um?”
I just look at her and say “for god's sake Pinkie did you read my mind? A thu'um also known as a shout is a phrase that is spoken in the language of dragons. These create amazing effects from being able to simply throw my voice to confuse people to changing how I look and making me have the visage of a dragon scales and all.” I then look at Twilight and laugh and say “I bet spike could probably translate them for you”
Twilight then looks at me with a glint in her eye and says “Could you try one”
To this I look at her and say “I could try one but I don't know if I can even do it”
I then hear Applejack say “no 'arm in tryin”
To this, I just look at them and say, “OK I guess there's no arguing with you. I'm going to try one called 'Fire Breath' I recommend that you stand back” at this I point my head towards the sky, close my eyes and then shout “Yol, Toor, Shul!” as soon as I do a massive red stream of fire launches out of my mouth towards the sky illuminating the whole area.
Once the flame dies down I look towards Twilight as is slowly breath to regain my breath I then hear a new voice that I hadn't heard yet that says “Well darling I have to say that's pretty amazing”
To this I slowly turn around to see Rarity standing behind me along with both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. The first one of them to speak was Scootaloo who said “That was awesome. Do it again”
To this I can only mutter out “I wish I could.” After this I slowly collapse to the ground onto my knees coughing. I quickly see both Applejack and Twilight support my body as they move me rest against a tree.
The next thing I hear is Twilight say “Applejack can you get him a drink of water” she then turn to me and say “you'll be fine Craig”
As she says this I turn my head away from her, shut my eyes again and manage to say “Fo, Krah” as I say this I being to feel my burning throat begin to cool down as I begin it speak clearly again and I say “remind me never to do that again” after saying this I once again black out.
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5765129 thanks for that that is one of my major downfalls being grammar and using comma's i'll work on sorting that next time I read through and i see that now i posted this originally before i noticed it and changes the profile name. Thanks
5765272 OK i understand your confusion he has actually come to tums that he is in Equestria after seeing Luna as i said fairly early into chapter 2. he now knows he's not in a dream and he's not home anymore and in response to your earlier message i am going though the whole story sorting out the comma issues
5765327 I appreciate that you are taking my advice, it made me feel... how should I put it... all warm and cuddly on the inside when I read your comment. I hope that my advice stays with you for the rest of the story; I'm in the middle of Chapter four at the moment, and I'm enjoying this story immensely so far as long as I correct the more major errors in the story in my head so as to make it more personally understandable.
Again if you have any questions or need further advice on how to possibly revise your story, a PM is all I need to start typing out ridiculous explanations and sometimes even explain details within the explanations that may need further explaining and then... well, you get the idea, I'm overly descriptive.
5765385 i prefer over descriptive to abusive I had enough of that after chapter 3 when I had someone say to scrap the whole thing from how bad it is. Oh and btw for the first two chapters i have given you credit for the improvements
5765395 D'aww you didn't have to give me credit, I was only passing by and felt inclined to help of my own volition. I'm currently relaxing from a small writer's block I hit in the middle of a chapter I uploaded half of earlier today, and I felt I had to do something better than nothing, so I helped someone, namely you, using my insane upper-college level English (my English three Teacher, who goes by Mr. Ward, is the closest rival I've met personally to date). My only weakness in writing is I can NOT write an essay. If I put a little more effort in my Algebra work, I could easily make up all the work I've not done and bring my Algebra II grade to 100 easy. I guess that I'm all around freaking excellent at several diferent things; I'm also a laptop repairsperson with a personal eye for Linux overtaking Windows in the future. But that's beside the point, so all unrelated details aside, I wanted to help, so that's what I did.
5765455 i know what it feels like dealing with writer block had it a the Beginning of the last chapter couldn't think how to start it. Writer's block is a pain
5765472 Yeah it sucks horribly. I'm giving myself a little bit more time before I go back and tackle the loose end I left on the unfinished chapter.
5765476 although I will say one thing could help referencing Skyrim
5765482 could I help you reference Skyrim? I've not played a whole lot of Skyrim, but I'll try my best to help and if we run into problems both of us have google and bing at our hooftips if we run into problems.
5765490 yeah no problem i actually looked at the wiki for the pronunciation of the Thu'um's
5765502 Ahh. I've had a theory that Google and Bing are the solution to most if not all practical problems, and it seems you have just proven that theory even further.
EDIT: I had to add in an lol at the end, so lol.
5765508 might as well pass on a spoiler I am planning on us seeing Discord soon for the first fight scene in the story within the next 2 chapters I might even use a certain song by a you-tuber
5765525 Entire spoiler comment incoming! I'm not going to ask if its against or as a spec, as it would probably ruin half of the chapter for me and/or everyone who would read the answer. I'm going to assume you mean as in against him and pretend that an entire section of the chapter wasn't ruined by a spoiler. cheers if you dared read the mostly pointless spoiler (unless you were the author of course), and I wonder which youtuber... *attempts to scratch a hoof against temple* I got nuttin'. I guess I'll see when you finish the chapter.
5765538 if anybody guesses please use a spoiler
5765566 I just reread your story and noticed you redid chapters three and four using the guidelines I'd recommended. the whole thing looks much better than it did before. I applaud that you took my advice well. I WILL be here to do final proofreadings and help to recommend improvements to the grammar (even if it is already gramatically correct, there are sometimes ways to spice it up to be at least slightly smoother to read and sound more interesting) in the existing chapters as well as future chapters if I can. I shall get to work on what's left to do in the existing chapters (trust me, there's still improvements and corrections that can be done, I've found some) right now. As advice to apply my edits, you can copy/paste my edited text into specified areas rather than try to rewrite them using my comment as leverage. I noticed that you didn't do so when I read the revised version of the two ending paragraphs of chapter one. I provide the edits, you copy/paste. Much easier than rewriting my edited version from scratch, hmm? off to proofreading/editing I go!
5765566 I have sent you a PM containing a list of orderly fine edits for chapter 1 from paragraph 1 to paragraph 3. I'll finish of from paragraph 4 some other time, but for now I feel like I've had a very successful day. 'night.