Chapter 1 - Arrival in Equestria
Hello. My name is Craig, I am eighteen years old, I have black hair, green eyes, and white skin. I have a passion of playing computer games and I've always wanted to try to learn to play the guitar.
You know how life always seems to have a habit of punching you when you're down, and then finds a way to turn everything around. On one side, you have a home and family who loves you, and on the other side, you have a school life where you get bullied and treated like dirt. Well, I lived that life, managing to escape it with only mental scarring and the will to help others who have gotten caught in that life. I guess I have the adventures of Twilight and her friends to thank for me deciding to not commit suicide due to the never ending torture I endured throughout my life.
Well, that all changed when I got pulled through a portal. All I could see around me was a never-ending rainbow-colored spiral under me that seemed to have no end. I just kept falling for what seemed like hours, funny how it was only two minutes in reality. After a while, I saw a bright light become visible ahead of me and somehow launched myself towards it as fast as I possibly could. Second later I passed through the light. Realizing I was no longer falling I noticed a small headache beginning to form in my head. I slowly opened my eyes saw that there were several strange pony like creatures standing around me, staring at me with mixed expressions of fear and confusion among some of them, with hostility among others. If looks could kill, I would probably already be dead. I thought.
A few seconds later, a young yellow pony with red hair, a large pink bow in her hair and orange eyes approaches me, and, noticing that it was Applebloom herself in front of me, I can't quite seem to believe that she was standing in front of me. I wanted to ask her where I was, but I only continued to stare at her with sheer disbelief at what I was seeing.
Eventually, she asks a question, catching me off guard. "Howdy, are you'll alright?"
I didn't reply at first, trying to figure out why the young filly wasn't absolutely terrified by my existence. I finally reasoned that the Bridle gossip had already taken place. I eventually found the courage to speak, but only seemed to sputter out a weak. "I think so." I noticed two more similarly sized fillies conversing with each other behind Applebloom, realizing only seconds later that they were non-other than Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
Seconds later I see them turn towards me and then I hear Sweetie Bell ask me a question “Who are you and what are you doing here?”
however before I have a chance to answer the question I hear Scootaloo suddenly say “You'll never get a reply out of him that way, let me have a go” instantly, she turned to me “Hey freak who are you and what are you are you doing here” she threatened.
I instantly turn my head towards her and without thinking and said one thing I immediately regret “What did you just call me!” I said, my voice was much louder than it normally would be. I suddenly see the three of them start to take slow steps away from me, I quickly being to calm down. Instantly I turn back to them to apologize “Wait!” I shout again and they slowly turn around and look once again at me. “Sorry about that, that word gets me angry a bit easily. Please forgive me for that I have horrible memories from my past from being called that. Ok, first of all, I'd prefer it if you just called me Craig and to answer your question I'm afraid that I don't know where here is... never mind, I don’t know what I am doing here”
After I finished I saw them look at me and slowly begin to smile however before they can say anything else to me I see a purple unicorn appear from the crowd and walk towards me. I had already known this was Twilight, but strangely I didn't feel as safe as I did when I saw here in the show, instead she just stared at me angrily. At that moment, I thought of looks could kill I don't think I'd be here much longer. I then start looking around frantically looking for something I could use to protect myself, but I find nothing but a guitar and my bag I use to carry my laptop around. It suddenly hits me that I could try to sing. Without thinking, I just reached around me for it and grabbed the guitar that was normally in my room back home but strangely I never remembered having it with me when this started never mind learning how to play it. Suddenly though I felt like I knew how to play it and I slowly reached towards it and tried to think of a song that would fit. I could only remember one song and the tune on the guitar and instantly began singing that song. This song happened to be My Demons by Starset.
After I finished there was a stunned silence I didn't know why to start with until I noticed all of the ponies surrounding me back away. I slowly turned around and gasped as I look directly towards the last pony I expected to see... Princess Celestia.
As I look towards her I tried to think of something, anything I could do to apologize to her but I couldn't then all of a sudden my hand started to glow and as I looked at it I could see a Green ring on my finger that was glowing in a radiant green glow. The only thing I could think was I just looked at my hand in amazement as I realized what I was wearing a Green Power Ring as far as I could remember I didn't have one when I was dragged from my home to here. I knew these were from the DC comic universe more specifically a comic called Green Lantern.
The Princess looked at me with her purple eyes “who are you? What are you doing in Equestria? and what is that on you?” She pointed to the ring on my finger.
I looked up at her and answered. "firstly my name is Craig and I am a human as far as I know I am the only one of my kind here and in response to this" I pointed towards the ring on my hand "I have no idea what it even is, I didn't even come here with it just appeared out of thin air"
After that, she stopped the spell she was going to cast and I looked at her believing that I was actually safe. Suddenly I felt a massive jolt pain shoot through my back as I slowly collapsed to the ground. As I looked behind me I could see that twilight had hit me in the back with some sort of spell. All I could do was say one word "Why?"
Twilight then said to me "you scared my friends"
After that, all I could hear was Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom trying to tell her that I had apologized to them. I then saw her horn glow and enveloping me in a bright lavender glow as my body began to levitate off the ground as she said one last thing to me "I'm sorry about this; I hope you can forgive me"
I began to worry as she began to take me to who knows where. great I guess that's how not to make friends. I thought, and then my vision faded into blackness.
Stats
Page generated in 0.025 seconds
Total duration
654 users online
770,103 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/474x/eb/a8/b2/eba8b248df213fac1672ced7df9b65aa.jpg
Good story keep writing and I'm sure it'll get even better
Plz More it good.
I don't know whether or not to like it. I certainly don't dislike it, but Scootaloo and Twilight seemed a little more sadistic than usual. Aside from that it's not that bad of a start. One thing you absolutely need to do- is you need to proofread your story. There are a bunch of spelling mistakes throughout the whole thing, so definitely re-read and fix those. I would say putting a song in the middle of a story is kinda weird- the whole context of the scene with the song is weird- but I'm not gonna hold you accountable on that, just saying you might be losing some readers for just that reason, sometimes people are uber picky. Also it does feel slightly rushed, more detail is always something you could add. Aside from that, seems like a decent start, not great, but good.
TWI YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjZuGas6yRQ]
This isn't the first story I've seen with this premise. Or even with this title.
The other one was shite too, just so you don't feel AS bad about your lacking originality.
i.imgur.com/BEB51hK.jpg
Another FNG, huh? Alright, mate. A few pro tips for this site. First, if you're premise is simply "A _________ in Equestria" especially if it is the title, then you're off to a rough start.
HiE is a highly difficult, high risk genre. If I were you, I'd stick to easier things like romance and slice of life til you get some experience under your belt.
Image is everything on here. Your story, and especially its description, title, and cover, need to pop enough to grab people's attention.
That's all I got for tips at the moment.
Hi, I'm Blackguard and I don't give a fuck. Here's the problem with introductions like this, nobody cares and unless there's a reason for putting this in your story then you shouldn't care either. Unless you're the kind of person that does this when introducing yourself to complete strangers, then don't include it.
But this is the only thing I can say because literally, and I'm not trying to be mean here, but I've gotten halfway through this story and I can't go any further. It's bland, has painful dialogue and a plot so cliche that I can practically tell you what is going to happen next.
Look, it's your first story. I get it. You want to put down something personal but making a story personal is the easiest way to get yourself kicked in the nadgers. You need to start off small and generic. It would also help if you read more stories on this site to get a feel for what sells and what doesn't. That is unless you're simply writing this for yourself and don't care what others think of it in which case you can tell me to push off and do what you want to do.
5687784
Lets take a look at your first two sentences.
Either you're trolling, or you're twelve. Either way—please stop making British authors look bad.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/046/a/1/trollbait_by_nostrildarmus-d39nddv.png
K thanks bye. *insert troll meme here*
i'll reserve judgement until i see celestia's reaction, twilight seems just a bit psycotic and she should be calle dout on it.
5688295 OK fair enough but in the way i was thinking if someone scared a friend of your never mind someone who is of a race you don't know would you just stay there and do nothing
5688336 even so thats essentialy saying twilight does this to any gryphon, daimond dog or minotaur who happens to startle one of her friends.
5688209 OK thanks for that i really helped but i need to be honest with you on the fact that i am dyslexic so i'm sorry about my grammar and spelling
5688348
OK then I will agree on all but the Diamond Dogs as they did take Rarity and if i remember correctly she wasn't very happy with them for one.
5688252 In terms of them being scared of him i just need to say that Applebloom wasn't scared of Zecora and actually wanted to know more about her. In fact maybe it would work better if I switch it so Applebloom talks to me instead of Sweetie Belle.
In terms of him being a Lantern it ain't happening the point of him is that he has somehow found a way to make any object or recreate any ability/power a character has so in this case Hal's Ring. However i am planning on it NOT being permanent and after he blacks out it disappears also he has no idea of how these powers works.
Finally no I'm not making all humans evil it's not my plan to do that I am simply making it so this is a misunderstanding for him to explain to them later on
Thanks for your input I will make these changes to the story to improve it for everyone
5687761 thanks for the help unfortunately i don't have a picture to use for this at the moment when i find one i may use it or if anyone can think of make a good one for it.
5690100
When in doubt, google search something significant to the story. Even a generic image is better than none at all.
so i always say constructive critisism is the best way to help poeple fix mistakes and better them selves.i think i may have had one continues cringe through this entire chapter.
5690100 After reading your first chapter, I decided I'd critique your grammar a little bit.
1) You forgot to use commas in numerous places and created several run-on sentences as a result
2) The actions are vaguely defined, partly as a result of the run-on sentences caused by the commas. It makes it look as if you were writing off of pure imagination, jumbling words half-sensibly together in some places. You can try to go over the story to look for places where actions, or even dialog in some places, seems unclear.
You have the potential for a great story, but first you need to make actions clear, watch your grammar as you write (saves a LOT of editing time later, trust me), and have a plot to slightly follow by, even if it's an extremely vague plot that you can approach in several different fashions in different ways at different paces.
Example of an edited form of your last two paragraphs:
Before:
After that all I could hear was Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom trying to tell her that I had apologized to them. I then saw her horn glow and envelop me in a Bright lavender glow as my body began to start levitating off the ground as i heard her say one last thing to me "I'm sorry about this I hope you can forgive me"
I began to worry as she began to take me to who knows where. The last thing I thought before my vision stated to fade was 'great I guess that's how not to make friends.'
After:
After that, all I could hear was Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom attempting to tell her that I had apologized to them. I then saw her horn glow, enveloping me in a Bright lavender glow as my body began to levitate off the ground as she said one last thing to me. "I'm sorry about this; I hope you can forgive me."
Worry built up within me as she began to take me to wherever she was taking me. Great. I guess that's how not to make friends. I thought, and then my vision faded into blackness.
Always press the TAB key (located next to Q) when beginning a new paragraph. My English teacher taught me that. If you need further help and suggestion, you can always PM me.
I will be happy to help.
Also, you spelled your own name wrong in the Author's notes. "Broney", lol.
HOLY *TOOT*, YOU'RE USING MY NAME!
Just a few things! This story looks as if it has potential but this first chapter feels too rushed.. just going off what made sense to me I have a few questions.
- How does he know the CMC (Brony?)
-How did the portal happened, where did it happen? Backstory?
< maybe have him get bullied by his parents so he flees to his room to play his video games.. maybe a new MLP themed game?>
-Perhaps try describing the portal in more depth. How does he know it only took him 2 minutes?
- Also you used the whole "if looks could kill" line twice and really close to each other, not really needed just makes the statement redundant.
- And really? his first response is to sing? Personally that seems like a good way to get shot, "yeah I look dangerous! But just let me pull out this item that might be a weapon, just to show how non-evil I am! Okay?" *Boom Headshot*
Personally dear Sir/Madam I believe you could use an Editor! If possible Im willing to do that for you ONLY because this story shows a lot of potential! If you are interested please PM me! If not I would understand! Needless to say I have only read this first chapter so if you do greatly improve after this one, rendering my comment useless I will apologize!
Good Luck on the Writting Front!
-Mr. Zelda C. Brony
A bit too fast, slow a little bit down and it's perfect. I enjoyed it so far.
10558672
Agreed