The Everfree forest, home of many dangerous creatures. When one of Twilights spells go wrong the forest quiets down but there is also a new type of beast that dwells in the Everfree, one that roars, has a coat of metal and feet of rubber.
.......Do you even understand the usage of .50 sniper rifles? They are anti-MATERIAL rifles, not anti-PERSONNEL rifles. Also, there is no such thing as a silencer, and it would do fuck all on a gun chambered for .50.
This thing deafeningly wasn’t something you want to find in a dark...
DEFINITELY.
My silenced 50 Cal sniper rifle ready to fire as soon as the shield dropped.
.50 Caliber anti-material rifles are not capable of being properly suppressed, despite what games like Fallout show you. Also, I believe it is a violation of the Geneva Convention to use an anti-material rifle against living targets. A 7.62x39 works well for a sniper round, as do 30.06, and 308.
When it did it put me and Tyrock as the castles best last line of defense.
Impressively bad grammar. It should read: 'When it did, it placed Tyrock and I as the last line of defense for the castle.'
As soon as the shield disappeared the air filled with the sound that could only be described as a massive swarm of bees but following it was the sound of two rifles safety switch flipping off.
Here is what is should look like: 'As soon as the shield disappeared, the air filled with a sound which could only be described as a massive swarm of bees. Following it, was the sound of two rifle safety switches clicking off.
"Stones the girls are on the move to your side of the castle,” then in the back ground I heard the sound of something snarling, followed by the sound of a knife digging into flesh.
Background is one word.
"So in Equestria thermals can’t show heat but it can let you see through magical illusions."
Bullshit. Thermal imaging is thermal imaging. It might be USED for seeing through the illusions. It is through the thermal vision that he is able to identify the difference in heat signatures between the Elements and the Changelings, but thermal imaging cannot see through illusions.
"Tyrock can you see the girls!?” I asked grabbing my dislocated arm and forcing it back into place.
Another one for the baloney flag. Popping a joint back into place without doing so carefully and with the correct twists, will cause a great deal of permanent damage to the joint.
As soon as I was lined up, I pulled the trigger. The sound of the rifle was loud enough to me, I guaranty you could have...
GUARANTEE
The one rule we lived by sense that day."
SINCE
Several confusing things here. First of all, this is a Prologue NOT a prequel. Secondly, why are the characters assuming the Royal Guards and the Princesses will just execute them? Is there evidence for it? This is not a bad premise, but it needs some polishing.
Thank you for reading this if you like it leave a comment. By the way, this chapter happens near the middle of the story hence the title. I wrote this in hopes of getting you interested and want to find out what brought these chain of events. If you don't understand I'm sorry I will try to fix that in future chapters.
I hear stuff like this from other writers when I bitch about issues in the first chapter. The problem is that if the first chapter in the story has too many obvious issues, folks won't bother even if the later chapters are more polished. There are so many stories out there.
Please get an editor to help you find issues in your story. I don't say that just to parrot the party line. When I get editors/prereaders for my stories, they are better than if I just posted them and then fixed them after posting. Even the pros don't just publish right away, they have prereaders, beta readers, editors, etc.
On one hand, I like the excitement of being dropped in the middle of a fight. On the other hand, I hate wondering who everybody is and what's going on. Who's the main char? There are too many basic questions that need to be answered in the first chapter.
Maybe you would be better off doing a briefing? This way, basic questions can be handled, you can fill in the reader on the world and you can show us your characters. Also trying to brief readers about the world during action scenes slows the scenes down.
When you throw your main char in the fire without spending a bit of time showing us what type of person he is, you risk readers not caring about him. When readers don't care, they won't be hanging around for long.
When a changeling attacks your main char, you want the readers to have some concern.
You have a good idea, show us some action to hook us. Fine but the execution needs to be tweaked. Maybe show a bit of action and then go back to a briefing so we know why. NCIS does this, they show a scene when chars are in trouble, then they show how they got into that situation.
Other than that, it seems like an interesting story.
Based on the description, I can see you need to learn about capitalization.
5919554 Alright I will try to fix that but other than that what did you think about the story?
5921296
Didn't read it. When I see stories with such obvious errors in the description, I point 'em out and I move on.
5921797 Look I fixed it just read it please. I feel bad enough as it is.
This seems to be promising, to quote the council of nations- We will be watching
.......Do you even understand the usage of .50 sniper rifles?
They are anti-MATERIAL rifles, not anti-PERSONNEL rifles.
Also, there is no such thing as a silencer, and it would do fuck all on a gun chambered for .50.
if this is displaced, which is where I found it oddly enough, then you should say so in the description if not...why'd I find with the displaced?
I think you mean definitely
m.quickmeme.com/img/e3/e38c73bf53c6ab4f6946a654801c90bda7ee514f172538739e2d88183ac76c5b.jpg Thermal would work like fucking Thermal! This is some major league bullshit!
DEFINITELY.
.50 Caliber anti-material rifles are not capable of being properly suppressed, despite what games like Fallout show you. Also, I believe it is a violation of the Geneva Convention to use an anti-material rifle against living targets. A 7.62x39 works well for a sniper round, as do 30.06, and 308.
Impressively bad grammar. It should read: 'When it did, it placed Tyrock and I as the last line of defense for the castle.'
Here is what is should look like: 'As soon as the shield disappeared, the air filled with a sound which could only be described as a massive swarm of bees. Following it, was the sound of two rifle safety switches clicking off.
Background is one word.
Bullshit. Thermal imaging is thermal imaging. It might be USED for seeing through the illusions. It is through the thermal vision that he is able to identify the difference in heat signatures between the Elements and the Changelings, but thermal imaging cannot see through illusions.
Another one for the baloney flag. Popping a joint back into place without doing so carefully and with the correct twists, will cause a great deal of permanent damage to the joint.
GUARANTEE
SINCE
Several confusing things here. First of all, this is a Prologue NOT a prequel. Secondly, why are the characters assuming the Royal Guards and the Princesses will just execute them? Is there evidence for it? This is not a bad premise, but it needs some polishing.
7844720 very much against it infact and they can only be muffled not surrpressed fully
I hear stuff like this from other writers when I bitch about issues in the first chapter.
The problem is that if the first chapter in the story has too many obvious issues, folks won't bother
even if the later chapters are more polished. There are so many stories out there.
Please get an editor to help you find issues in your story.
I don't say that just to parrot the party line.
When I get editors/prereaders for my stories, they are better than if I just posted them and then fixed them after posting.
Even the pros don't just publish right away, they have prereaders, beta readers, editors, etc.
On one hand, I like the excitement of being dropped in the middle of a fight.
On the other hand, I hate wondering who everybody is and what's going on.
Who's the main char? There are too many basic questions that need to be answered in the first chapter.
Maybe you would be better off doing a briefing?
This way, basic questions can be handled, you can fill in the reader on the world and you can show us your characters.
Also trying to brief readers about the world during action scenes slows the scenes down.
When you throw your main char in the fire without spending a bit of time showing us what type of person he is, you risk readers not caring about him. When readers don't care, they won't be hanging around for long.
When a changeling attacks your main char, you want the readers to have some concern.
You have a good idea, show us some action to hook us.
Fine but the execution needs to be tweaked.
Maybe show a bit of action and then go back to a briefing so we know why.
NCIS does this, they show a scene when chars are in trouble, then they show how they got into that situation.
Other than that, it seems like an interesting story.