Chapter 1: How Princess Twilight was blinded
Equestria's newest princess walked down Ponyville's streets. Princess Twilight was a happy mare indeed. Signing the occasional autograph fillies and colts carried around with them and waving to the other ponies. She was on her way to check on Rainbow Dash, who was clearing the skies in a field on the outskirts of Ponyville. She decided to put her new wings to the test and tried flying to the field. It was difficult, but she managed to lift off the ground and continue her way to the field.
She soared in the skies and passed through the clouds, making them disappear in a pomf. Now she understood why Rainbow Dash liked flying so much. The wind passing through her mane and tail, the tingling in her wing's feathers and the adrenaline running through her veins. She felt alive! Almost as she could do anything! It was an incredible feeling and she didn't want it to end, but the field was approaching slowly and she had to land soon. Twilight noticed Rainbow Dash was bucking a big cloud in the distance. The cloud was black and each time Rainbow bucked it, it released a deafening roar and a bolt of electricity. But this wasn't a normal fluffy cloud, it was a thunder cloud. One of the most dangerous types of clouds in Equestria. This cloud was only found in the Everfree forest, for all Twilight knew they were not normal clouds and could move on their own without a pegasus's assistance. If a pony was electrocuted by a thundercloud, it could be paralyzed, severely injured, or in extreme cases, instantly die. This thundercloud looked like it could kill a pony. Twilight was confused at why Rainbow Dash was trying to clear it, they could not be cleared. Not even the strongest of pegasi or the smartest of unicorns could, not even Princess Celestia could. Not even she could.
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight called. "Stop bucking that cloud!"
Rainbow Dash didn't hear Twilight calling her and continued bucking the thundercloud, not knowing the cloud was getting stronger with each buck she gave it, but Twilight did and she knew what was going to happen if Rainbow continued bucking it.
"Rainbow Dash!!" She called. If Rainbow continued bucking the cloud she would get electrocuted.
Rainbow finally noticed Twilight was approaching and smiled at her as she continued bucking the cloud. The thundercloud started to rumble and throw small and big bolts of electricity.
Twilight was beyond horrified, if Rainbow gave that cloud one more single buck, she was going to die. Rainbow was ready to give the cloud one last buck...BANG! the cloud rumbled as a large electricity bolt shot out of it.But before the bolt could connect with Rainbow Dash's body, Twilight flew as fast as she could towards Rainbow and shoved her out of the way getting her electrocuted.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Twilight could only scream as the thundercloud electrocuted her.
When the cloud finally stopped electrocuting her, Twilight fell lifelessly to the ground. Her fur was scorched, her mane and tail too, and her wings were burned. She had saved Rainbow Dash and sacrificed herself.
Twilight was slowly gaining consciousness but as she opened her eyes the only thing she saw was black. She could hear her friend's voices and faint sniffing noises but she couldn't see a thing.
As seconds passed Twilight remembered what she had done that day and developed a theory of why she couldn't see anything.
That thundercloud had blinded her.
"G-guys?" Twilight said in a raspy tone.
Everypony in the room looked at Twilight and the sniffing noises stopped.
"TWILIGHT!!!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she ran to her friend and gave her a bear hug. "Oh Twilight! I was so scared!"
Twilight's expression remained stoic. She was never going to see her friends again.
"I am blind now aren't I..." Twilight mumbled.
Rarity worked up the courage to say something to the now blind princess, "I suppose so. The doctors did everything they could." She said.
"They saved yer eyes." Applejack said. "But yer irises faded." She had removed her hat and her eyes were watery.
Twilight remained silent throughout the conversation. Her eyes were covered by thick white bandages, her fur had scorch marks, and her wing feathers were burned, some were black, some were missing, and some were broken in half.
"Twilight, are you okay?" Asked Fluttershy. "You are awfully quiet." She was the calmest in the hospital room along with Twilight.
Twilight nodded. She was not okay. She had lost her vision. But it was worth it. Right?
"Talk to us, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie screamed. "We need you! We need the old Twilight back!" Her hair was flat, her colors were strangely darker, and her eyes were watery.
She got her wish. "What happened while I was out?" Twilight asked.
"After you got electrocuted, you looked pretty bad. Steam was rising from you, your whole body was scorched, and your wings were banged up. I thought you were dead, but just in case I checked your pulse and heart beat it you proved to be alive. I took you to the hospital and got our friends. After a few hours the doctors finally let us see you. They said they tried everything they could, but they couldn't save your sight, but they at least managed to save your eyes." Rainbow Dash said.
Twilight thought for a minute. "Did you inform my family?" she asked.
"Yes, your mother is coming to help you out next week, your father is busy and he won't be able to make it." Rarity said as she handed Pinkie Pie a handkerchief with her magic to wipe her tears. "Your brother and Cadence will visit in a few days and Princess Celestia will visit tomorrow."
"Thanks Rarity. Can you guys come back in a little while? I want to rest." Twilight said.
Rarity smiled, "Of course, Twilight." She said. "Come on girls lets go."
Rarity and the girls exited the room and let Twilight to rest.
Yay! My second MLP:FIM fanfic!
I don't know when the next chapter will be out.
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oh no Twilight blind
5517823
Yes, it's sad. I admit it. This story was a bit difficult for me to write because Twilight and RD are my favorite characters and I hate making them suffer. But like they say, there is always light at the end of a tunnel.
that sounds very sad
5517933
It is...
But I promise it will get a bit happier.
Okay... I have problems with this. I'm going to completely ignore the mechanical side of writing which wasn't too bad, and delve into the actual plot.
First, give me one good reason why Rainbow Dash, a weather worker, whose job is to control the weather, wouldn't know what bucking a thundercloud would do. Actually, we've seen her control thunderclouds just fine. She knows clouds, it's her job. She's a pegasus; in theory it shod com fairly naturally to her. So why, oh why, was she just randomly bucking a thundercloud? Don't give me that "next chapter" stuff, because no; something like that should have been taken care of this chapter, when it actually happened. It's not something you can build suspense with, because the reveal won't mean anything in light of what happened.
Second, do some research.
"Your irises faded"? Really? How about.... no. A fading iris, does not cause blindness. Let me guess; you, like most other people, imagine blind people as people with mostly-white irises, or dulled/grey, right? Well that's only a side effect of one of the causes of blindness, and the cause is actually a disease. In fact, in order to go blind from something like this, either A; her eyes wouldn't have survived at all, no matter what the doctors did, or B; the electricity damaged the vision centers of the brain, which makes a lot more sense, but wouldn't cause her irises to fade at all.
For all your injury statistics and information, I recommend the CDC website. Good information and links to other good sources.
Third,
"I am blind now, aren't I?"
....
No. You see, there's something called the Fives Stages of Grief, which almost everyone displays when dealing with a form of major loss in their lives. be that the life of a friend or loved one, or the ability to do something like through and amputation or blindness. One of the stages, the stage that almost always comes first, is called denial. Which means the person is in denial of their loss.
See what I'm getting at?
Twilight would not instantly know that she was blind. Maybe she was injured, and was just bandaged while her eyes healed? Maybe she would recover in a couple days? Maybe she's still unconscious? My point is that you completely skipped over her realization and just had her outright say it. Again, don't give me that "next chapter" crap, because this is something that needed to happen before she accepted the fact that she was blind, which she clearly does in this chapter. Even if she later on goes on a crusade to find a cure for herself, she has still come to terms with the fact that, for the current time, she is blind.
This entire scenario is rushed through way too quickly, and I'm honestly not sure why. it doesn't feel like the regular pacing problems most authors have, but rather it felt like you're trying to reach a certain point in the story and don't really care about the plot as a whole.
5518533
Okay. First of all i'm not an expert in writing, I just do this for fun, and second of all have you ever seen the episode "Princess Twilight Sparkle"? Because in that episode the thunderclouds I put in the story appeared. And third of all, I didn't know about the iris fading thing, so don't judge me and if you didn't read my description, THIS IS MY SECOND FANFIC! NOT MY HUNDREDTH ONE! I'M STILL LEARNING!
5519381
I never said you were and expert I never said you should be an expert. it's called constructive criticism, where I tell you what's wrong with it and an idea of how to fix it. Whether it's for fun or not, you should still have some respect for the craft, and your audience, which means doing the best you can. Trust me, if I thought there was no hope for you as a writer, I wouldn't have commented.
I honestly don't remember anything about clouds in that episode, and in light of this comment I skimmed through the episode. Still couldn't find a single cloud in it. Albeit, I'm short on time so I just skimmed and might have missed it. Still, if they've appeared before, that's even more reason why Rainbow would know about them and not be bucking them.
Not knowing is not an excuse for not trying to learn. I get that it's your second story, which is all the more reason for you to take whatever constructive criticism you can. Like I said; I didn't bother with the mechanical side of the chapter, as that's something that largely comes with time and practice. I know how common it is for people to just assume people who are blind have faded/cloudy irises, so I corrected that misconception as well as gave you a place to get any more information on the subject at hand.
I can't force you to accept anything I've said, but if you do accept it, and keep it in mind as you continue to grow as a writer, then I can promise you you'll get much better much quicker. And that's not just for me; and feedback you receive is valuable to you, especially because you're so new to writing.
5519715
Well in that case, i'm sorry for yelling at you. I didn't mean to be rude, I just felt a bit offended.
5519715 Criticism is a writers greatest asset. We grow from it, We learn from it, you would not be as good as you iare today without it. So I agree with you.
You started really fast with this story. I wouldn't be a big problem if you had stopped when Twilight woke up. I didn't get it why Rainbow doesn't know how dangerous those clouds are but the part that really bothered me was when Twilight immediately knew that she was blind. I mean who would even think that not a minute after waking up?
The start wasn't really good, but you have an Interesting story that could be really good. Just don't rush it.
The biggest problem I have that hasn't already adequately been talked about is the method that Twilight is blinded by. I dunno, I guess the whole idea of Dash accidently messing with a cloud is weird. That was played for laughs with Derpy and that was with Dash, so you think she'd know better.
Maybe if it would work better if it was something were Dash was directly responsible but could not have reasonably foreseen the problem, like, say, she barges into the basement looking for Twilight and distracts her at a key moment during an experiment and the resulting accident blinds her. Just an idea.
A bit fast-paced, but I like it!
5527909
Thank you!
Can put this in my club
5528823
Sure! Go ahead.
Oh, no.
*pauses and takes a deep breath.*
This is... rushed. Really, REALLY rushed. Instead of being a chapter of an actual story, this reads more or less like a concept of that story. It speeds over basically everything in an attempt to deliver the punch of the story. However, it fails badly.
First things first: The story attempts to make the reader feel sorry for Twilight, but instead, we get nothing. We aren't given any reason why we should feel sorry (or at least some form of care) for Twilight losing her eyesight. It was her stupidity that caused her to lose her eyesight in the first place, anyways. Well, her and Rainbow's, since Rainbow was bucking that cloud without having any idea of what's going on around her.
It's even stranger, that in the show, we see Derpy bucking at the sole cloud and getting electrocuted by herself. Why doesn't this cloud harm Dash in any shape or form? She's a weather captain... She should be fully aware that doing things like that are absolutely insane, unless she feels suicidal herself, especially when you put an emphasis that anyone being hit by that lightning could be seriously injured. (yay exposition)
I don't think that Twi is stupid enough to go near a highly volatile HIGH VOLTAGE SOURCE.
There was already too much exposition in the second paragraph already. No need to reiterate crucial points. Let the story do that by itself.
No, seriously, no. First of, up to this point we are very aware that the cloud is very dangerous. We don't need to know that for the umpthiest time. The second one, of course, is Twilight actually stating that she could be killed if Dash continues with what she was doing.
And then, she is hit by lightning and she loses her eyesight.
Later on, it seems to go like this:
Twilight is hardly showing any emotions towards loss of her sight and expects the reader to feel something for her. Also, I found something in here that I never expected to read... anywhere at any given time... And is this:
This is equal to saying something like "Oh, wow! Now I'm an invalid for life! How cool is that? This will surely get me some chicks now!" It's just... wrong. So so wrong.
Now, a suggestion on how to fix it:
1) Expand, expand, expand. Give ponies personalities and / or made them go do things. Don't expect the reader to be invested in a pony just because you stated their name. This may gather the initial attention, but it will fade away shortly after the story started if there's nothing behind the name.
2) Pre-readers are nice. They tend to inform you if there are problems in the flow and stuff like this.
3) Research the subject at hoof. If you're going to tackle serious subjects, be sure to know what you're talking about. As 5518533 pointed out, there are major scientific flaws in the story.
4) This being only your second story for having such flaws... isn't really an excuse and it doesn't exempt it from criticism. While it might be true that we pick up more things the more we read or write, there's hardly any excuse for the story not to have a second look through.
5) Don't shy away from a harsh criticism. Sometimes bluntness has much more to show and tell than a praise.
With the criticism concluded, I have to admit that I really, really like the premise and I'm eager to see where this is heading.
~Twi
5535668
Well thank you for the criticism, I will try better in the next chapter. I hope you continue reading my story.
5535725
I shall ^^
~Twi
What's going to happen next
5537692
You'll just have to wait and see.
5539245 at least say when. Please
5539280 Check back in 27 years. Maybe there'll be something done by then.
But seriously, you shouldn't expect for authors to flat out tell you what will happen next. Not only they usually want to leave that as surprise, but they want to make sure everything is properly written and polished before publishing the next chapter.
~Twi
5539316 i am excited and liking this story. I ask that all the time when I like the story
5539316
Ding Ding Ding!!! That is right! The next chapter is still being written and 5539280 has to be patient and wait.
That's pretty cool fanfic but sad at same time
Not as sad as i thought it would be till now, but i think i get the sad feeling the next chapter.
I like it so far, the idea is a good one and i hope it doesn´t stop like the other blind pony story i saw for a few months.
5591938
Thank you! I hope to update soon.
5587160
I know right?
Can't wait for the next chapter!
5659818
I have been meaning to update this month, but it seems like I never have time to do it.
Poor Twilie...
Your writing is pretty nice and while the grammar could have some tweaking done, they're only minor flaws. It's a bit fast paced, though. Next time try to slow down a bit, set the scene, etc. If you do that, I it will read a lot nicer.
Looking forward to the next chapter! I'm excited to see how you do this!
And thank you for featuring my artwork!
5682108
(And thanks for the advice.)
Your welcome!
5682124
Of course!
A good opening, can't wait for the next chapter.
5693981
Glad you liked it!
5519381 Please, calm thine self. Even the harshest criticism can be used to further your writing, no matter how nitpicky. You said you weren't that good? Well, criticism is the way. You can't fix what you don't know is broken, after all.
Heck, even those silly little flames can be used if you get good at it. Besides, he does have a point to some extent. Why have the cloud be completely indestructible? Why not just extremely dangerous, making Dash's folly less of a completely brainless moment, and more of a stubborn streak, or a simple mistake? After all, even a professional can make a mistake. Heck, she might have been trying to remove it because it was more dangerous to just leave it there then it was to try and break it up. The possibilities are endless.
And, how did she know she was blind?
5748827
...I guess she just figured it out...she is smart ,right?
5749688 There's a difference between smart and omniscient. Heck, I'm sure if Steven Hawking got hit by lightning, and woke up unable to see, he wouldn't know he was blind immediately. Unless he was unrealistically pessimistic. You know, to the point of hilarity.
5750671
Mhmm... Yeah, I know what you mean.
Whoo, okay.
I must say that I really do enjoy the idea for this story but it was poorly executed.
If Twilight really was blinded by lightning, I would feel sorry for her, but the story was zooming past at freaky speeds and not really fleshed out.
I wasn't given time to feel, ya know?
As mentioned twice before, blind people's iris's are generally not discoloured unless the eyes are diseased or they have some sort of rare nerve something something. I have a feeling you've watched Snowdrop once or twice. Blind people's eyes look basically normal, but they often appear to be unfocused or to be staring into space.
I will be following this story.
5763086
Yes, I know I know... I rushed it a bit. And yes, I have seen Snowdrop. I pretty much got the blind idea for this story from that video. I should have read a bit about blind people before writing this though. I have seen blind people before, they're always staring off into space and they read with the brail system but besides that, they're as normal as anyone else.
I like this will there be more?
5781163
Yes! I already have half the chapter done!
5518533 That awkward moment when you view someone's criticism towards a story that you had nothing to do with and realize that your story has a major flaw in it that was listed in said criticism.
Story feels awkward, pacing is slightly off, explanations for things are told by the writter rather than the story, and character interactions are wooden, and towards the end exposition dumps. Overall it's very very rough, but everything's there for a great story. NOW I like the premise of the story the most and there really isn't enough blinded twilight stories. I mean with her love of books it's a great opportunity for a sad and touching story.