Chapter 2: Tears of Innocence
Everywhere Twilight Sparkle looked there was only what she could describe as thick white fog. There was only fog, nothing more.
She could still hear clearly though. But her eyesight was no use. She couldn't see a thing, she knew she was blind and she she knew she couldn't do anything about it but just pray that it was all a dream. Which it unfortunately wasn't.
Twilight lifted her head and her ears pointed up as she heard a door silently creak open and then close shut. She heard several hoofsteps, as If there was more than one pony, coming towards her.
Twilight extended a hoof in hopes of getting the attention of whoever just entered her hospital room. She touched something. It felt soft, like the fabric Rarity had used for her Grand Galloping Galla dress last year, it smelled like roses, like the ones she remembered smelling in Canterlot's flower shop as a filly, and it was wet, wet with tears.
"W-who is this?" Twilight asked as she removed her hoof from the pony just to have it grab her hoof and press it to what Twilight could guess was it's chest.
"I-it's me Twi, mom." The pony, or Twilight's mother to be exact, said in a hoarse femenine voice.
Had she been crying? It sure looked like it, or rather heard like it.
The room was dead silent. So silent, you could hear a pin drop.
"Weren't you supossed to c-come here next w-week?" Twilight asked silently.
"She was." A new voice, also from a mare, spoke up.
Oh. Twilight thought, So there was another pony with her.
"Princess Cel-lestia?"
"Yes Twilight," Princess Celestia said softly. "It's me."
A small tear found it's way from behind the thick bandages covering Twilight's eyes and trickled down her lavender cheek.
This wasn't fair! Nothing about this was fair! It was frustrating!
Too frustrating! She was blind and she was hating every minute of it.
A sob escaped her lips. She wept. She wept in her mother's and mentor's embrace.
"I w-want to go h-home!" She shouted between sobs.
"I m-miss Spi-ike! I m-miss my fr-riends! I m-miss dad, S-shiny and Cadence!"
"Shhhhhh, it's okay Twily." Her mother comforted her.
"We're right here." Celestia assured her.
Twilight's cheeks were crimson red from all the crying.
All she wanted to do now was cry, nothing else. Just cry. Cry.
She cried for what seemed like hours before one last sob escaped her lips and she slowly drifted off to sleep in the arms of those dear to her.
For the first time in that day, she felt safe. Safe from all harm and evils in this world. Safe from the deep depression within her.
Safe from blindness.
Twilight flapped her wings gracefully in scynic with Rainbow Dash's. They spinned and moved elegantly over the water beneath them. Rainbow smiled at Twilight as they moved from side to side in perfect rythem. The moon cast it's moonlight on the winged slow-dancing couple. The scene was perfect, the stars were shining and the water was calm. They both floated above the water in peace for a minute before Dash leaned in and gave Twilight a peck in the lips. That caught her off guard but it didn't make her feel uncomfortable. Dash leaned in again, but this time, It wasn't for a peck but for a kiss. A very passionate kiss. Their lips met and both closed their eyes. Rainbow breathed down on Twilight's face. It felt beyond amazing! Twilight tried to hold back a moan but failed miserable. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up to end. Their mouths moved in perfect harmony as Rainbow's hooves made their way to Twilight's back and rubed it carefully. Twilight moaned, this time not even trying to hold it back. There was no other place the two would rather be right now. Slowly, their mouths parted. Twilight looked deeply into Rainbow's eyes as she looked deeply into Twilight's. Time seemed to stop as they stared at each other. Rainbow's mouth curved into a smirk as she looked at Twilight.
"I love ya," The smirking Rainbow Dash said. "And nothing can change that."
Twilight blushed as she giggled silently, "I love you too, Rainbow."
The mares held hooves as they kissed again.
Twilight drowsily lifted her eyelids. A void of nothingness stared back at her.
That was a weird dream... She thought.
As she thought about the...detailed dream she had that night a blush creapt into her face.
It was just a dream.
This is my first time writing romance so please bear with me and don't be too harsh.
Also, I want to appologize for taking so long with this chapter, I have been awefully busy these days. Hopefully, the next chapter should be out this week since my spring-break starts today.
I hope you guys enjoyed and thanks for reading!
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5790645
Oops, i'll fix that in a minute. Thanks!
5790664
Yeah it took too much time to write this. I hope to update it this week, since my spring break just started.
Pro Tip; deal with one problem at a time. You are making literally every mistake I did when I tried to tackle a similar plot and everything I'm trying to fix in the rewrites. Rushed pacing, barely connected scenes, and a lot of underplayed emotions/scenes.
You've started your blind plot, which although got off to a bumpy start last chapter as I and many others pointed out, you kept with it. Now though you throw the romance in (not to mention in an extremely cliched way) and it's way too much for the reader or the characters themselves to deal with. It would be fine to just let us and Twilight deal with the whole blind thing for upwards of half the story. That's something that takes a lot of time to get used to. But now you go dropping the whole romance thing on top is just a bit too much, not to mention you'll have to deal with Rainbow's guilt (which if you haven't already thought of then.... well I just can't help you). AND Twilight's anger towards Rainbow because let's face it no matter who it was if someone blinded me even on accident I'd be pretty pissed at said person.
Not to mention there's hardly any connectivity between this chapter and the last one. I genuinely do not know how this fits in with the previous one in terms of time. I suppose it could be said it was the same day, as she mention her mother not supposed to be arriving until the next week like last chapter, but then you'd think most of her friends would be there as well, or at least waiting outside her door or there when she wakes up from her dream or something at the very least.
Divide up your conflicts throughout the story instead of throwing all of them onto us right off the bad. Make it slow, deliberate, as the recovery process would be; incredibly slow with many bumps along the way.
5790765
Ok, thanks I guess.
i agree with kodaeke in this, and some other points.
It was nice enough, and i nearly felt enough, to......empathize with Twilight, i sarted to get the right feeling, but then suddenly the moment got destroyed, because the dream thing came to sudden. I don´t remember, if you mentioned that Twilight like Rainbow Dash a bit befor, but if not then i guess you better could have mentioned that later.
I don´t know if you want to stick with it, or rewrite it, but i think you should just let her recover a bit, befor you really start the romance.
I think you should try to image how you would feel in that moment, i mean she would probably not focuse on Rainbow Dash alone in the next few chapters.
I would say what is important for her right now, would be her blindness, her living conditions, and.....i think there would be at least one point more, but i think she would focuse on herself a bit more, but maybe she would choose Rainbow Dash as a.....valve?! for her feelings.
I mean she would maybe choose Rainbow as a psychological parent.
I don´t say i would know that much, it is just my spontaneous opinion, and while i am pretty tired right now, i think i would expect something like this, but it could be i just remember some things from another fanfiction.
I forgot to make sure that you know, that i really liked this chapter, even if i didn´t liked the Dream part that much.
Well the dream part was not bad, but maybe just to soon, and i guess you should have written this at least in another chapter.
I know if it helps you, but i try to be honest, and constructive about my comment here.
edit: I prefer a slow pacing for the romance, don´t rush anything please.
I guess something like that could be a rather long, and good fanfiction.
5794554
5794566
Don't worry, i'm not going to rush the romance, that won't start in like ten chapters from now. I'm glad you liked it though.
shere be chapter 3
5874875 I'm currently too busy doing school stuff to write the next chapter, but don't worry, school is almost over and after that i'll have plenty of time to write the upcoming chapters.
5875344 this story is ok now when i say that i mean the idea is great but the execution ...... not so great
5932620 yes i know
5932632 well i look forward to more and maby when you get some more experience a rewrite
5932677 Sure!