My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd

by Lord Seth

S.C.H.O.O.L. Raze

Sunset, Trixie, Flim, Flam, Suri, Gilda, and Lightning Dust all walked into the train car and slumped down onto the seats, exhausted.

“Okay,” said Sunset, “that’s it. That is the absolute last adventure we’re ever going to go on from that map. I don’t care how much cash we get; it’s not worth going through that again.”

“Uh, Sunset?” said Suri. “Why are you saying this now? You’ve already made this claim repeatedly. We’ve heard it.”

“I’m saying it this many times because I’m determined to make sure that I actually stick with it this time,” said Sunset. “The previous adventures could be annoying, even dangerous, but they didn’t take months to accomplish!”

“We know, Sunset,” said Gilda wearily. “We were there too, remember?”

“Too many stupid adventures in a row,” said Sunset. “We went through all this right after that nonsense with the Storm King, and then before then there was… okay, there wasn’t any big stupid annoying adventure immediately before that one, but the point is it makes this already awful experience even worse!”

“I believe studies show that complaining too much, especially about things you can’t change, isn’t good for your health,” said Flim.

“Well, it makes me feel better!” snapped Sunset. “That’s good enough for me! I refuse to go through that again!”

“Aw, come on,” said Lightning Dust. “Outside of the part where we got forced to repeatedly relive our worst nightmares nonstop for a week, I didn’t think it was that bad.”

“Please don’t remind me of that,” said Sunset with a groan.

“Hey,” said Gilda, “it built character.”

“You’re only saying that because you’re the only one who didn’t get caught in that!”

“Well, duh,” said Gilda. “My character is already built. And it was that building of character that allowed us all to come together in the end to find the Golden Magic Monkey idol and make a fortune. And I suppose also fix the weather in that place so they can actually grow crops and stuff again.”

“I don’t think that the ‘building of character’ had much to do with our victory,” said Suri.

“It’s my theory and I’m sticking to it,” said Gilda. “Besides, I doubt we’d ever need to go on another one of these map adventures again considering how much we got out of this one. So quit your complaining.”

“At least we made sure to get enough issues of Mare Do Well done as a buffer in case our visit took as long as it did,” said Trixie with a yawn. “Hopefully there won’t be too many changes while we were gone. It’d be annoying to come back to town and discover that a castle had suddenly sprung up.”

“There’s already a castle,” said Gilda.

“Well, duh,” said Trixie. “That’s why it would be especially weird.”

“That doesn’t even begin to make sense,” said Flim.

“Ugh, ask me when I’m no longer so tired,” said Trixie. “I’m so sleepy it’s a wonder I can do good talking still.” She promptly collapsed into sleep.

“That seems like a reasonable idea,” said Suri as she also fell asleep. The rest followed suit. Eventually the train came to Ponyville, and they all departed.

“Well, it doesn’t look like much changed,” said Trixie. “Outside of that huge massive building, I suppose. Any of you know what that is?”

“I hope it’s a roller-skating rink,” said Suri.

“You like roller-skating?” asked Gilda.

“No,” said Flam, “but I think it would stimulate the economy.”

“Let’s just go and find out,” said Sunset as the group went up to the large building and saw a big sign on it that said ‘School of Friendship.’ “Really?” asked Sunset. “Somepony actually made a school of friendship?”

“Yeah, I was surprised it turned out that way too,” said Chrysalis.

Sunset did a double check. “Wait, Chrysalis? When did you get here? Why are you here?”

“Oh, I just happened to be around,” said Chrysalis. “It’s not like I’ve been trying to spend as much time as possible here in Ponyville so that I could meet you all when you came back, after all. Because that’s just be plain stupid. Why would you think such a stupid thing? It was just a simple co-inky-dink!”

“Uh… okay, but why is there a ‘School of Friendship’?”

Chrysalis shrugged. “We had a lot of money left at the end of the year thanks to my fantastic budgeting abilities, so we held a referendum to decide what to do with it. ‘Build a School of Friendship’ won out.”

“Really?” said Gilda. “That won?”

“Don’t underestimate the troll vote,” said Chrysalis.

“So… you teach students about friendship here, then?” asked Sunset.

“Oh, certainly not,” said Chrysalis. “I showed those trolls! Yes, I built the School of Friendship… or, more properly, the Society of Creating Helpful Original Ordinary Likable Objects and Funding Fantastic Research Into Entertaining Notions Delivering Substantially Happier Individual People!”

There was a pause. “The what?” asked Trixie.

“It’s about encouraging inventions that make life more convenient,” said Chrysalis. “Honestly, considering the acronym I had to fill, I think I did a pretty good job with that.”

“What kind of inventions are these?” said Suri.

“All kinds of things!” said Chrysalis. “Portable movie players! Devices you can carry around to call and instantly communicate with others around the world! Carriages that drive themselves! Little devices with screens that can store thousands of books on them!”

“So, uh… television, cell phones, cars, and reading tablets?” said Sunset.

“Exactly!” said Chrysalis. “Your description of those things from that alternate universe was incredibly conducive for coming up with new inventions!”

“Wait, cars?” said Flam. “We tried inventing those, but quit because we didn’t think they’d catch on.”

“I’ll admit, that one seemed to be a more risky invention,” said Chrysalis. “But throwing spaghetti at the wall until one sticks is how you find success! Especially if you’ve put glue on the wall!”

“What exactly does the glue represent in this analogy?” asked Trixie.

“Why does it have to represent anything?” said Chrysalis. “Much like how sometimes a cigar is just glue, sometimes glue is just glue.”

“Well, whatever,” said Sunset. “You’ve got your Society of Creating whatever, good for you. Now that we know, is there any reason for us to stick around here?”

“Probably not,” said Chrysalis. “Unless you want to meet Starlight and Sunburst, as they’re both here.”

“They are?!” said Suri eagerly. “Well, let’s go!”

“Sure!” said Chrysalis. “I can give you a tour. Did you know I always wanted to be a tour guide?”

“No,” said Sunset.

“Well, of course you didn’t know that,” said Chrysalis. “It’s not true. I never wanted to be a tour guide. Let’s go!”

The rest of the group shared a glance that said ‘Yes, I knew Chrysalis was going to say something like that. You knew it too? I think she’s getting a bit bad at this now, if she was this obvious. Well, I suppose we just have to go along with it and follow her on the tour. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll see something interesting. Well, we know we’ll see Starlight and Sunburst so that’s something, but I mean aside from that maybe there will be something interesting. By the way, how are we communicating all of this with just a glance? Is it some kind of special language? Or is this all happening in our heads? Or, wait, are we communicating at all? Is this whole thing just a bunch of nonsense? I guess we’ll never know, and should just forget this glance ever happened.’ Then they shrugged and followed Chrysalis.

“That’s a door!” said Chrysalis cheerfully as they walked through the hallway. “And that’s another door! And there’s a third door! Isn’t it amazing how many doors we have? But at last we come to something incredibly exciting!” Chrysalis pointed to an open door. “An open door!”

“What’s inside it?” asked Trixie.

“Absolutely nothing!” said Chrysalis. “That’s why it’s open. Instead, let’s open this other door that’s closed for something more interesting!” Chrysalis opened the door to reveal an empty room. “Oh, wait, sorry,” she said. “Wrong door.”

“If you’re going to insist on showing us around, could you pick someone who actually knows their way around here?” asked Gilda.

“That sounds like a great idea!” declared Chrysalis. “Do you know who might be a candidate?”

“Okay, that’s it!” said Gilda. “I’m done. Let’s just get out of here.”

“What, you’re not going to ask ‘wouldn’t you be better equipped to find someone’?” said Trixie.

“I agree!” said Chrysalis. “You should ask that!”

“Why?” said Gilda. “I’m just going to get an irritating answer. Why even bother?”

“You should have more faith in your queen!” said Chrysalis. “I know just the person to ask!”

“Then why did you ask us?” started Gilda before being interrupted.

“What, it wasn’t obvious it was a rhetorical question?” said Chrysalis.

“Just get the person already,” said Gilda.

“Righto!” said Chrysalis as she opened another door to reveal Starlight and Sunburst working on a device. “See? I bet they know! In retrospect, I probably should have done that to begin with.”

“Starlight! Sunburst!” said Suri as she rushed over to them. “How are you two doing? Are you close to ready?”

“Extremely close!” said Sunburst. “‘Minivision’ is almost here!”

Suri clapped her hooves together in excitement. “Oh, this is going to be big. And I’m going to be rich!”

“Yeah, well, maybe,” said Sunset. “I finally put some investment into this after you kept yammering about it, so hopefully I’ll get something back.”

“Okay, so we’ve met Starlight and Sunburst again,” said Gilda. “Are they going to show us around now?”

“I guess we could?” said Starlight.

“Actually, I’ve officially lost interest at this point,” said Gilda. “You guys can do whatever else you want; I’m heading home.”

“Aw,” said Sunburst. “Can we at least show you the invention working?”

“Fine!” said Gilda. “Just be quick about it.”

“All right!” said Sunburst as he went over to a box with a screen in the front. “Watch this!” He pressed a button and suddenly a video started playing on it.

Gilda blinked in surprise. “That’s actually good video quality.”

“Right!” said Starlight. “We made sure to do that. Anyway, I’m sure that after–”

Suddenly, the video stopped and the screen became blank again. “Darn it, what now?” said Sunburst with a sigh as he tried to figure out what was wrong with it.

“Did you try whacking it?” asked Trixie. “That works on machines in the movies!”

“Actually, I think because that got so overused, it’s more common in movies nowadays for whacking it to not work as a subversion,” said Suri.

“I’d say it’s about half and half,” said Trixie.

“Can’t you just magic it back to working or something?” asked Gilda.

“Well, now that I’ve figured out what seems to be wrong, I can,” said Sunburst. There was a pause.

“So… are you going to do it…?” asked Gilda.

“Um… my magic isn’t working,” said Sunburst with a frown.

“I heard that can happen to stallions as they get older,” said Gilda.

“Um… my magic doesn’t seem to be working right either,” said Starlight.

“Yeah, it can happen to mares, too,” said Gilda. “Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I specified stallions alone in the first place.”

“This isn’t time to be flippant!” snapped Sunset. “None of our magics are working!”

“Hrm,” mused Chrysalis, “transforming doesn’t seem to work either. Well, it seems we’re all in one dilly of a pickle.”

Sunset gave a very pained look at Chrysalis.

“Oh, right, I’m supposed to do leader-like stuff and try to solve it, right?” said Chrysalis. “Okay! First step is to figure out if it’s limited to us or not. That should be easy.” She walked over to the window and opened it. “Hey!” she called out. “Is anyone here experiencing a sudden loss of magic?” There was a pause. “Okay, I should’ve probably asked where there are actually people to ask. I’ll be right back!” She jumped out the window and walked off.

“Darn it, if this isn’t fixed, it could really wreak havoc on the minivision rollout,” complained Sunburst.

“I think there’s bigger issues with a massive loss of magic than the ability to push a particular product,” said Sunset.

“Right!” said Flam. “It could hurt our products too!”

Sunset sighed heavily.

“Well, at least I can still fly and stuff,” said Lightning Dust as she jumped up… and then fell down. “Okay, so I guess I can’t fly. But at least there’s still the ‘stuff,’ right?”

“Wait, why can’t you fly?” asked Suri.

“It takes magic to fly,” said Lightning Dust. “I mean, what, did you see how pegasi go flying around? If there wasn’t magic involved there’s no way we could actually stay floating with the way we flap our wings. We’d have to be flapping them way faster for that to work.”

“I guess that makes sense… sort of,” said Suri.

Chrysalis suddenly jumped back through the window. “Okay! So after checking around, both in town and in communications with people super-knowledgeable about magic and stuff, it looks like it’s affecting everyone else to varying degrees! Apparently it’s hitting all across Equestria. And at the current rate, all magic will drain in three days. First the unicorn and pegasus magic will fail, then the next day creatures will lose magical abilities, and then the third day all the artifacts will stop working.”

“That’s an oddly specific timeframe,” said Flim.

“Yes, as it turns out, magic tends to disappear on a very convenient timetable,” said Chrysalis. “Well, there is only one thing to do!”

“Send us on a mission to fix it?” asked Sunset wearily.

“Great idea!” said Chrysalis. “But first we have to figure out who’s causing this.” She paused. “Okay, well, Tirek can steal magic. So that makes him a suspect. But he’s also locked up, and he’d be out if he was the one doing it. But he might have an idea of who is doing it. So you should go and try to interrogate him.”

“Why do you think we’d be in any way good at interrogating?” asked Lightning Dust.

“I have no idea,” said Chrysalis, “but experience has shown me that if I throw you all at a problem, it tends to get solved one way or another. So what are you waiting around for? Tirek! Tartarus! Go!”

“Do we all have to go?” asked Trixie. “It seems like a major drag.”

“Good point!” said Chrysalis. “I could use someone along while I conduct my own investigation. Who wants to spend the next day or two with me?”

“Uh, on second thought, I’ll go check on Tirek,” said Trixie.

“Really?” asked Chrysalis in a disappointed tone. “No one else wants to help? This could all be some kind of trap, you know. It would make more sense for only some of you to go.”

“Hrm…” said Suri. “That is a good point.”

“Great!” said Chrysalis. “I’m sure we’ll have great fun together!”

“… but just in case we need the whole group, I think we should all go visit Tirek,” added Suri hastily.

“Darn it, I was hoping we could be Investigation Buddies,” said Chrysalis. She pulled out a key and gave it to Sunset. “Here you go! The Key of Unfettered Entrance! It has the power to magically open any door.”

“You just carry that around?” said Flim.

“I carry all kinds of things around!” said Chrysalis. “Although you should be quick about it, because as noted the magical artifacts will lose that magic soon. Anyway! You should probably get going. In fact, why are you still here? I know my sparkling personality is great and all, but you should get going!”

“Uh, for starters, we don’t even know how to get there,” said Sunset.

“Oh, that’s easy,” said Chrysalis. “First you go to the Blasted Lands, then pass through the Sea of Sorrows, then the Forest of the Dead, traversing the Nightmare Realm, going through the Dead Forest (not to be confused with the aforementioned Forest of the Dead), then you’ll find the entrance in the Dark Haunt.”

“That sounds… really irritating,” said Gilda.

“Alternatively, you can take the stairs,” said Chrysalis. She pointed to some nearby stairs.

“Wait, you have stairs leading there?” said Lightning Dust.

“Too many got stuck in the Nightmare Realm,” said Chrysalis. “See, you have to find and fight these six or so enemies in order, and then they drop beacons in the maze that you can follow to–”

“Forget I asked!” said Lightning Dust.

“How?” asked Chrysalis. “I can’t forget things on demand.”

“Let’s just go,” muttered Sunset as she grabbed the rest of the group and left.

A short time later…

“So how is it that a simple set of stairs is able to lead to the same place as going through all that lengthy process Chrysalis mentioned?” asked Suri.

“Why are you asking me?” said Sunset.

“I’m not asking you in particular,” said Suri. “I’m asking the whole group.”

“No idea,” said Trixie.

“I’ve got nothing,” said Gilda.

“Not sure,” said Flim.

“Maybe it’s beans?” pondered Lightning Dust.

“Ugh,” said Sunset. “Obviously some kind of spatial magic is involved.”

“Wait, if you had the answer, why did you object to being asked?” said Suri.

“It’s the principle of the thing! Why should I answer every question?”

“Because you’re probably the smartest of all of us?” said Lightning Dust. Everyone else nodded.

Sunset was taken aback. “I… wow. That was surprisingly nice of you.”

“Just to clarify,” said Gilda, “she said probably. I think there’s still a reasonable chance I’m the smartest. I’d say the odds are about 60/40 in your favor.”

“You really had to ruin the moment, didn’t you?” said Sunset in an irritated tone.

“You’re right,” said Gilda, “that wasn’t fair of me. It really is more like a 72/38.”

“I… I guess that’s good enough,” said Sunset. She paused, then added, “Wait. That adds up to 110%.”

“Oh, wait, you’re right,” said Gilda. “What I meant to say was–”

“Can we hash out the specific probabilities later?” said Lightning Dust.

“There’s not much else to do until we get to our destination,” said Gilda. She paused, then stopped. “Oh, wait, never mind. We’re here. I guess the specific probabilities will have to wait until another time.”

Suri gazed up at the massive gate. “Is there any real purpose to this gate being so big?”

“Decoration, maybe?” suggested Trixie.

“Why would you care about decoration in a super high security prison?”

“We’re doing that thing again where we just suddenly stop what we’re doing to have inane conversations about nothing,” said Sunset. “Can we just move on?”

“Good point!” said Gilda. “Let’s go in. Get out that key, Sunset!”

Sunset pulled out the key and used it to open the door. The key then turned into a snowball shaped like a cow and exploded.

“Huh,” said Lightning Dust after a short pause. “I guess they don’t make Key of Unfettered Entrances like they used to.”

“Wait,” said Trixie, “shouldn’t that be Keys of Unfettered Entrance? I think that it’s more proper to pluralize the word ‘key’ than ‘entrance.’”

“And now we’re doing it again,” groaned Sunset.

And so the group went in. A short time later, they found Tirek locked in a cage.

“Oh, hello,” said Tirek in a bored tone. “What brings you here?”

“Magic is disappearing from Equestria,” said Sunset. “Any chance you’d know something about that?”

“Well, that’s possible,” said Tirek. “Maybe if you let me out of here, it’ll help make it more clear.”

“Don’t worry,” said Trixie, “I’ve got this.” She marched up to Tirek’s cage. “Where were you on the night of yesterday?!” she screamed into his face.

Tirek blinked in confusion, then grouchily said, “I was here, you idiot, just like I’ve been ever since you ponies threw me back here.”

“Hrm,” mused Trixie,” “the alibi checks out. Well, I’m stumped.”

“By the way,” asked Tirek lazily, “you seem to be missing a member. Where’s that Flam… Flim? Enh, you two are the same either way. Where is he?”

“Oh, Flim had an unfortunate encounter with a cockatrice on the way,” said Gilda. “Guess its magic wasn’t fully drained. We’ll worry about that one later.”

“Don’t worry, though; I’m fine!” said Flam.

“Well, as I was saying,” said Tirek, “how about letting me out of here?”

“Ha!” said Lightning Dust. “Shows what you know! We’re out of magic keys, so nopony can open the door, so you have to help us out.”

“Wait,” said Suri, “we’re trapped here too?”

“Hrm,” said Lightning Dust, “that does seem uncharacteristically stupid of us, doesn’t it?”

“Well!” said Tirek. “Maybe I’m not getting out, but neither are you, it seems! Sweet revenge for me. It seems my little protege’s plan worked after all.”

“That’s protégé,” said Trixie.

“Look, protege, protégé, whatever!” said Sunset. “Who are you talking about, Tirek?”

“Oh, I’ve never met them,” said Tirek. “We’re pen pals. All of the letters had so many questions about draining magic.”

There was a pause. “Wait,” said Sunset incredulously, “you get pen pals here?”

“Oh, sure!” said Tirek. “It’s part of some kind of rehabilitation process. Or something like that.”

“And there wasn’t anyone who checked over the letters?!”

“It surprised me too!” said Tirek. “It seems like spectacular incompetence on the part of you ponies. But, hey, I wasn’t going to question it! Anyway, I was bored, so I pointed them in the right direction.”

“And who is this ‘pen pal’?” asked Sunset. “We’re all stuck here anyway, so you might as well tell us.”

“Oh, sure!” said Tirek. “Their name is…”

There was a pause.

“Their name is what?” asked Sunset.

“Oh, I was just taking a pause before revealing it,” said Tirek. “You know, for dramatic effect. I have to get my amusement somehow. Her name is Cozy Glow.”

There was a pause. “Who?” asked Sunset.

“Oh, you don’t even know?” chortled Tirek. “You guys really are out of the loop!”

“Uh, duh, we were away for the last few months and haven’t been back for even a day,” said Gilda.

“Oh,” said Tirek. “Well, anyway, Cozy Glow’s this filly who apparently got some kind of position at that School of Friendship. Who would ever suspect someone like that would be the perpetrator?”

“Okay, but how is she taking away all of the magic?” asked Sunset.

“Something about taking all friendship for herself or whatever; it didn’t make that much sense quite honestly,” said Tirek. “But, hey, I want revenge, so I just went along with it!” He paused. “Oh, wait, you asked how, didn’t you?”

There was a pause. “Well, are you going to answer that question, then?” asked Sunset.

“Oh, sure, why not?” said Tirek. “That School of Friendship managed to get a bunch of powerful artifacts together for research, so she’s just linking them together and using that to drain all the magic. It seems a bit odd that’s possible, but it’s magic; it just works however it works.”

“So all we’d have to do is find those artifacts, de-link them, and problem solved?” said Sunset.

“Oh, sure!” said Tirek. “I’m sure you can figure it out… after you get out of here! Oh wait … you can’t!”

“Ha!” said Gilda. “Joke’s on you! After the key thingy broke, we just propped open the door to keep it open. And just to make sure something didn’t happen in the meantime, we left Flim to keep an eye over it. That’s the actual reason he wasn’t here.”

“Argh!” said Sunset. “Gilda, I told you we should leave without telling Tirek that! What if he has some way to alert others?”

“The small odds of that are worth the look on his face right now!” declared Gilda as she gestured towards Tirek’s flabbergasted face.

“You propped open the door?!” asked Tirek in disbelief.

“What, do you think we’d be stupid enough to just walk in without making sure we had a way out?” said Gilda. “We’d just let the door close in on us with no way out? We’d have to be a group composed entirely of morons to do that! And that can’t be the case, as I’m a member of the group!”

“Okay, we’ve told off Tirek,” said Sunset. “Can we get out of here already? We’re on a time limit, remember.”

And so the group left a flabbergasted Tirek behind. After a short journey in which nothing of any consequence happened whatsoever, they reached Flim at the entrance.

“So, we all ready?” asked Flim.

“I think so,” said Gilda. “We did get him to admit who was behind it. Though I suppose there is always the chance he was making stuff up… but it’s at least something to go on.”

“Let’s get out of here,” said Trixie. “This place smells like Tartarus.”

“I agree,” said Sunset. “Let’s just–”

“Wait,” interrupted Trixie, “nopony is going to say in a frustrated tone ‘That’s because this is Tartarus’? Because I had a great comic answer to that.”

“That’s exactly why we didn’t bother to ask,” said Sunset. “Can we just go?”

“You lot are no fun,” said Trixie dejectedly. “Come on, it’ll give us something to talk while we go back up.”

“Ugh, that will be an annoying climb, won’t it?” said Sunset.

“Climb?” said Trixie. “I thought we were talking the elevator.” She pointed to an elevator.

“…There’s an elevator?!” said Sunset. “Why didn’t we use that to get down here?!”

“It’s broken and will only move upwards,” said Trixie.

“How do you know that?!”

Trixie shrugged. “It’s what the sign on it says.”

Sunset looked closer. “Huh. There is a sign. So does this mean the elevator is one use, if it can only go up? Why even bother making it, then?”

“Probably had a discount to it or something,” said Flim.

“Wait a minute!” said Suri. “What if it’s some kind of trap? What guarantee do we have that the elevator will work?”

“Would you prefer to go up those stairs again?” said Lightning Dust.

“Elevator it is!” declared Suri.

One elevator ride later…

“Okay,” said Sunset, “now we just have to find Chrysalis.”

“How do we do that?” asked Flim.

“Darn it,” said Sunset. “We should have come up with some way of finding her. Oh well. We’ll just follow the trail of annoyance.”

“What does that even mean?” asked Gilda.

“In retrospect, I’m not sure,” admitted Sunset. “Okay, forget that. Let’s just find those artifacts and de-link them. Any idea where they’d be?”

“How would any of us know?” asked Suri. “We don’t know any more than you do!”

“I’ve got a great idea!” said Trixie. “HEY! ANYPONY HERE?!” She paused. “See, maybe there will be somepony nearby, and they’ll know.”

“Hrm,” said Gilda. “Crude, but it could work.”

Starlight walked up to them. “Do you need help?”

“Correction,” said Gilda, “Crude, but it did work.”

“My esoteric brilliance works again!” declared Trixie.

“Uh, that sounds great,” said Starlight. “But what did you want?”

“We found out from Tirek that somepony named Cozy Glow took a bunch of artifacts and is using them to steal away all the magic, so all we have to do is find those artifact, de-link them, and everything will be back to normal,” said Sunset.

“Wait, Cozy Glow?” said Starlight. “But she’s really young. Are you sure Tirek wasn’t just sharing some badly written fan fiction with you?”

“Nah,” said Gilda, “I know badly written fan fiction. This was more like the confusing thing that happens in canon that fans then try to explain in fan fiction.”

“You read fan fiction?” asked Starlight.

“I skim,” said Gilda.

Everyone gave an odd look at Gilda but didn’t say anything further on the subject. “Getting back on topic,” said Sunset, “do you know where these artifacts or this Cozy Glow are?”

“Uh, let me think,” said Starlight. “I don’t know about the latter, but the place to link up the artifacts would be the catacombs under the school, given it’s large but it doesn’t really get visitors.”

“Why does it seem like there’s catacombs under everything?” wondered Flam.

“We can solve that mystery later!” said Trixie. “For now, let’s get to those artifacts! Show us the way, Starlight!”

One showing of the way later…

“Okay, so I think this should be…” started Sunset before trailing off as they saw what was in the room. “Wait, Chrysalis?!”

The artifacts that have been mentioned repeatedly but not seen were set in a ring around a pillar in the middle of the room. On the top of the pillar was Chrysalis in some kind of weird magical ball.

“Oh, hi,” said Chrysalis. “Nice to see you made it. Any chance you could get me out of here?”

Unfortunately for Chrysalis, the weird magical ball was sound proof, so none of them heard what she said.

“I think she said ‘don’t worry about me; you figure out how to de-link the artifacts,’” said Sunset.

“Oh, were you able to read her lips?” asked Flim.

“No,” said Sunset, “but I’m going to assume that’s what she said because anything that keeps Chrysalis silent is good.”

“Okay, so we de-link the artifacts then?” asked Trixie.

Sunset inspected them. “Actually, I’m worried about the possibility that doing so might cause this entire place to blow up.”

“Oh, that would be bad,” said Trixie. “Think of how much money this place cost to make!”

“I think the fact we’d be at ground zero of the explosion might be a bigger thing to worry about,” said Sunset.

“Aha!” declared Cozy Glow as she marched in, followed by a large group of who were presumably people who were working at the School of Friendship. “Did you hear that? They’re trying to blow up the school!”

“Wait, who are you?” asked Suri. “Are you that Cozy Glow?”

“The one and only!” Cozy Glow declared with a manic glint in her eye. “Anyway, as I was saying, they want to destroy this whole place, and us along with them! In fact, I bet they’re the ones responsible for taking the magic out of Equestria! They weren’t around for several months and they’re jealous of the magical advances we’ve been making! Look! They even took Chrysalis captive!”

“That makes total sense!” declared one of the ponies with Cozy Glow.

“Uh, no it doesn’t,” said Gilda.

“Oh, you’d be surprised how persuasive I can become after sufficient, several-months-long secret application of the Suggestibility Ray,” said Cozy Glow. “Anyway, get them!”

The group suddenly converged upon the seven. They quickly got beaten up. To clarify, the larger group got beaten up, not Sunset and the others.

“Ha!” said Suri. “Those self-defense classes did come in handy!”

“Why wouldn’t you think they’d come in handy, considering the things we get into?” said Gilda.

“Honestly, actual physical fighting doesn’t seem to be useful in most of these adventures,” said Suri.

“Ugh,” muttered Cozy Glow. “I need to get better minions. Fine!” She pulled out a weird-looking device. “I’ll just use this instead!”

“Wait a minute,” said Sunset. “Can you explain why you’re doing all of this?”

“To stop ‘minivision’ from being distributed!” declared Cozy Glow. “Trust me, by preventing reality shows from becoming a thing, I’ll be doing you all a favor.”

There was a pause. “That explanation makes no sense,” said Gilda.

“Well, duh,” said Cozy Glow. “I just made that up for fun. The real reason is that by absorbing all of the magic, all of the friendship will be mine! MINE!”

“Uh, you know the School of Friendship isn’t actually about friendship, right?” said Suri.

“Also, aren’t you a little young to be trying to take all the magic out of Equestria?” asked Lightning Dust.

“Yes,” said Cozy Glow. “Yes I am.”

“What about my question?” asked Suri.

“Guys, can we stop with the jibber jabber for once and just get this done?” said Sunset. “We’re kind of on a time limit here! Just restrain her while we think of what to do.”

“Ha!” said Cozy Glow. “With this, my victory is assured!” She pointed to the device she had pulled out.

“Okay, what is that anyway?” asked Sunset.

“It’s the XFJ-29,” said Starlight. “Be careful! It’s powerful enough to… wait. Sorry. She’s holding the XFJ-28. That thing’s harmless.”

“What are you talking about?” said Cozy Glow. “This is an XFJ-29.”

“No, it’s XFJ-28,” said Starlight.

“What in the world is an XFJ-28 and 29 anyway?” demanded Sunset.

“Weapons that were in development,” said Starlight. “But we could never get the XFJ-28 to work. So we abandoned it and made the XFJ-29, which is a really powerful magical laser weapon that could take us all out in one hit.”

“Wait,” said Sunset, “if the magic is gone, why are we worried about a magical weapon anyway?”

“Oh, good point,” said Gilda. She pulled out a shotgun. “This thing, on the other hand, works fine with or without magic!”

Cozy Glow took one glance at Gilda’s shotgun, tossed the XFJ-whatever-it-was to the side, and ran off.

“After her!” declared Lightning Dust as she dashed after Cozy Glow.

“You magic experts see if you can figure this out; the rest of us will help Lightning Dust!” said Gilda as she ran off with Suri following her.

There was a pause, then Sunset said, “Okay. So we want to try to de-link all this stuff, preferably without causing a massive explosion.”

“Do you think maybe we should get Chrysalis out of there first?” suggested Starlight. “She might know.”

“Well, maybe Cozy Glow let something slip to her,” admitted Sunset. “Sure. You know anything about this containment field, Starlight?”

“It looks like it’s linked to the artifacts,” said Starlight.

“So again we come back to just de-linking them,” said Sunset. She sighed. “Okay. Here’s my suggestion. De-linking them might cause an explosion? Let’s just set something up to de-link them on a delayed basis, get out of here, and then if there’s an explosion we’ll be free.”

“That could kill Chrysalis, though,” said Sunburst.

“I’m prepared to take that risk,” said Sunset.

“What about all of the various ponies we beat up after Cozy Glow sent us after them?” Sunburst asked, gesturing to the various unconscious ponies that had mostly been forgotten about in the last several dozen paragraphs.

“Fine, those we should probably evacuate first,” said Sunset.

“I’m not sure if we have enough time to get everypony out and set up a delayed timer, especially without any magic,” said Flim. “I think we need somepony to stay behind and do the de-linking, thereby minimizing any potential casualties.”

“Not it!” said Trixie.

Everyone stared at her.

“Oh, come on,” said Trixie. “That was comedy gold.”

“Let’s just roll a die or something,” said Flam. “Anypony have a die?”

There was a pause.

“Darn it, of all the times for Gilda to not be here,” said Flim. “She usually has one.”

“You know,” said Sunset, “I think there’s a lower chance of explosive blowback if all of the artifacts are removed simultaneously anyway. And if something fails in the process, there’d be more of us to try to fix it. Let’s just all do it.” She turned to the various defeated ponies. “Hey! Idiots! Get out of here. This process might cause this whole thing to blow up.”

“Ugh…” said one of them. “Sorry, too weak to get up.”

“Well, I tried,” said Sunset. “Let’s just do this already.”

“Wait, I know,” said Trixie. She turned to the collapsed ponies. “Hey, guys, I think that bubble Chrysalis is in is weakening. In just a few seconds I think she’ll be able to talk to all of you about–”

There was a sudden mad dash out of the room.

“How did I not think of that?” wondered Sunset. “Well, fine. Let’s de-link these things.”

“I think I’ve heard the phrase ‘de-link’ more in the last day or two than I have the rest of my life,” said Trixie.

And so the six grabbed the six artifacts and pulled them away, causing them to be de-linked and making it so the word ‘de-link’ and variations of it need no longer be used. This did not cause an actual explosion, but did result in what would be a fairly neat special effect in a movie that restored the magic to everyone. Also, the six of them and Chrysalis were transported away to a courtyard of the School of Friendship.

“Uh, why did we get transported out?” asked Sunset. “Seriously, what caused that?”

“Heck if I know,” said Chrysalis. “Guess it’s just a magic thing. But I’m so proud of you! You were able to figure out the message I was trying to mime that there wasn’t any need to worry about explosions if you removed all of the artifacts at once!”

“Uh… right,” said Sunset. “Okay, now where is Cozy Glow? Did they catch her?”

“Oh, there you are, Sunset,” said Lightning Dust as she flew in abruptly. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you to tell you that we caught Cozy Glow after all the magic returned.”

“Looking everywhere? But the magic hasn’t even been back for a minute!”

“Well, duh,” said Lightning Dust. “I was in the process of looking everywhere. I didn’t finish yet.”

“But that wasn’t…” Sunset started, then decided it wasn’t worth pursuing the matter further. “Okay, great. So everything is back to normal. What are we doing with Cozy Glow?”

“Enh, I think I’ll imprison her in Tartarus for a while,” said Chrysalis. “She and Tirek would probably drive each other crazy, which would be hilariously ironic.” She paused, then added, “And if you think that seems a little harsh for someone her age, you’re overlooking the fact that it’d still be hilariously ironic.”

“Uh, sure,” said Sunset. “So does that make this whole thing wrapped up?”

“Well, the magic’s back, so yes!” said Chrysalis. “But you know what? This whole thing has made me realize something.”

I’m not even going to ask whether it’s that she should be less annoying, because she’d just say ‘no, I’ll probably never realize that’ or something similar in response, thought Sunset to herself.

There was a pause, with Chrysalis apparently expecting some kind of answer, but then she shrugged and continued. “I mean, look at it! All that magic just got taken away, just like that! And this is the second time that sort of thing has happened. If you ask me, we rely way too much on magic. So I’m going to reformat the entire School of Friendship to being about inventing magic-less technology.”

“What about minivision?” asked Sunburst. “We’re so close to completing production on those.”

“Hrm, that isn’t a bad point,” said Chrysalis. “Does it still work after the magic zapping, though? The way that was built, the draining might have had permanent effects of some kind.”

A quick checking later…

“Yep, it’s busted,” said Chrysalis. “But I’m sure you can use the stuff you did make to make a version that doesn’t require magic.”

“That’ll take much longer,” said Sunburst.

“And I want a faster return on my investment!” said Suri.

“Well, slow and steady wins the race, or… something,” said Chrysalis.

“Wait, something I meant to ask,” said Sunset. “Why in Equestria did you let Tirek have a pen pal?”

“Wait, he had a pen pal?” asked Chrysalis. “That’s completely idiotic. Doesn’t sound like something I’d do.”

“Well if you didn’t, who did?”

“Uh, let me think,” said Chrysalis. “Oh, right. There was this guy named Neighsay I couldn’t stand, nor could most anyone else, so I transferred him to the Tartarus Mailing Division so no one would have to deal with him anymore.”

“That sounds like an awfully important position to put someone in if you wanted to get rid of them,” said Suri.

“Tartarus hasn’t gotten any mail for the last few centuries, how was I supposed to know there would actually be one?” said Chrysalis. “I guess he got lazy and didn’t screen them properly. He’s going to get an earful from me. And maybe a transfer to someplace even more pointless. I’ll probably send him to the Department of Redundancy Department.”

“Is that an actual thing?”

“If not, it will be!”

“So, once again, everything is wrapped up,” said Sunset. “You know, I really am getting tired of all of these adventures where the world nearly comes to an end.”

“Oh, the world wouldn’t have come to an end,” said Chrysalis. “We would’ve just lost all the magic. Which would dramatically change things, but wouldn’t have actually ended it. In fact, I’m not sure of any time the world was in legitimate danger of coming to an actual end. Maybe Nightmare Moon? But I kind of feel she would’ve eventually relented to some degree and allow for some sun.”

“Well,” said Trixie, “it may not have been the end of the world, but it’s the end of this adventure! Cool wordplay, eh? Eh?”

Everyone stared at Trixie.

Trixie shrugged. “They can’t all be winners.”

Comments

[Yoshifan30]

To the villains of mlp

[GamePlayer64]

Society of Creating Helpful Original Ordinary Likable Objects and Funding Fantastic Research Into Entertaining Notions Delivering Substantially Happier Individual People!”

That must of been a hard anagram to think of

[LegacyMine]

I can't decide whether Chrysalis is a troll or just insane. Either way, she seems like a surprisingly decent ruler if you don't have to deal with her in person.

[Razzy]

Well, that took care of things.

10360470
The answer is 'yes'.

[Streakofscarlet]

I think out of all the stories I wait for an update, this is the one I'm most eager to see. I've wondered for five years how this zany story would conclude.

[Lord Seth]

10614402

It's still being worked on. Hopefully it'll be done soon... ish.

[Streakofscarlet]

10629964
Actually, I think I miscounted. It would be six, since I first found the story between Cider Squeezy and Canterlot Wedding.

Anyway, can't wait for the conclusion of not-so-smart ponies with surprising knowledge of laws and economics.