My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd

by Lord Seth

The End - Part 1

Author's Note:

I'm not usually one for author notes, but because it's been so long since I posted the previous chapter ("S.C.H.O.O.L. Raze"), I'd recommend rereading it as it does set up a few things here.

Dark. It was dark. It was very, very, very dark. It was also some combination of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet, though not all of them. In any event, it was dark. Then it was no longer dark, because the light was turned on. However, the light was not particularly bright, so while it was not dark, neither was it particularly light. Then the light burnt out and it went back to being dark again.

A man listened to the door. There was a knock. He went and opened the door to find the pizza boy.

“Hello!” said the pizza boy. “Here is your pizza.”

The man paid him and got the pizza. He replaced the light, ate the pizza, and then he did some other stuff and also he got a race car. Then he went back to bed.

We now return to our story, which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the previous four paragraphs.

“Psst, Tirek!” said Cozy Glow.

“It’s Lord Tirek,” said Tirek in an irritated tone. “And what is it?”

“I just wanna make sure you can see my best friends rock sculpture from over there!” said Cozy Glow cheerfully as she pointed to a small sculpture of the two of them together.

Tirek stared blankly. “Where did you get the materials to make that?”

“Oh, you know,” said Cozy Glow in her cheerful voice.

Tirek sighed deeply. “You know, the dissonance between your manipulativeness yet apparent youthful innocence would actually be endearing in a weird way if not for the fact I have to actually deal with it.”

“See?” said Cozy Glow. “We’re becoming friends already!”

Suddenly, the two found themselves somewhere else entirely. There was a pause.

“That was unexpected,” said Tirek. “Wait, who are you?”

Tirek’s question was directed towards the Storm King, who was there with him. “Hi!” he said. “I’m the Storm King. Granted, maybe I don’t technically count as a king given that I lost my throne and such. But it’s still officially my name!”

Tirek and Cozy Glow stared at him briefly. “Uh, sure,” said Tirek. “Did you bring us here?”

“Oh, no,” said the Storm King. “I was too busy being a rock. I kind of got turned into one. But suddenly I found myself here and back to normal!”

“Well, then who–” started Tirek before being interrupted.

Suddenly, a… ram? Goat? Well, whatever the specific species was, one appeared. “I was the one who brought you here. You may call me… Grogar.”

“You say we may call you,” said the Storm King. “Does that mean Grogar isn’t your actual name?”

“Wait, you don’t know who he is?!” said Tirek.

“Oh, I know. He’s an ancient super-powered being who took over Equestria, or in this case the land that would become Equestria later, until a hero showed up and banished him,” said the Storm King. “But honestly, guys like that are a dime a dozen in Equestrian history. There’s been multiple cases of that in just the last few years!”

“My reign was much longer than any of those!” snapped Grogar. “Anyway, since Gusty the Great rose up and banished me, I’ve spent millennia gathering power, biding my time, and waiting for the perfect opportunity to seize control of Equestria!”

“I kind of feel like there were plenty of great opportunities before this,” said Cozy Glow. “What about after any of the recent times there was some kind of villain who caused massive damage to Equestria? That sees like it would be a great time to make your move.”

“And what would you have done if the plan to remove all of the magic of Equestria worked?” asked Tirek. “I doubt you would have been able to take over then.”

“That’s not your business,” said Grogar. “However, I have watched all of you. And I’ve seen your humiliating defeats at the hooves of six puny ponies and one slightly less puny griffon. Do you know why they’ve always bested you?”

“Wait, were you expecting an answer, or was that rhetorical?” asked the Storm King.

“It’s because they work together,” said Grogar.

“Uh, I should point out that I had an army and such,” said the Storm King. “So it’s not like I haven’t worked with others.”

“Exactly!” said Grogar. “And you were doing great until you decided to pointlessly alienate your strongest supporter!”

“True, in retrospect that was not a particularly smart decision,” admitted the Storm King.

“So we’ll use their own strategy to defeat them!” said Grogar. “I demand you join me and together, Equestria will be ours!”

“And why should we go along with this?” asked Cozy Glow.

“Because I’ll zap you back to where you were before this if you don’t,” said Grogar.

“Sounds like a plan!” declared the Storm King. “Speaking of plans, what’s the plan to take over Equestria? Does it involve flesh-eating cream puffs?”

“No,” said Grogar.

“Oh, that’s good,” said the Storm King. “Because flesh-eating cream puffs are such a stupid idea I’d never want to join up with anyone who’d propose such a plan.”

“Okay, I really have to ask at this point,” said Tirek, “why did you bring this guy along? Did we just need a third member or something?”

“Hey!” said the Storm King. “I almost took over Equestria too, you know! And even before that, I had an empire of my own!”

“Didn’t you inherit the whole thing?” asked Cozy Glow.

“Details,” said the Storm King dismissively.

“If you are done prattling,” said Grogar, “I’ll answer your question. We will strike… but only when the time is right.”

Some time later…

“Is the time right yet to take over Equestria and wreak our vengeance?” asked Cozy Glow eagerly.

“No, not yet,” said Grogar.

“Honestly, what was even the point of dragging us all here now if we were going to have to wait so long?” asked the Storm King. “I’ll admit it’s less boring than being stone, but it’s not that big of an improvement.”

“Well, fortunately for you, I do have a task for you to complete,” said Grogar. “Get the others in here!”

“Uh, there’s only one other, Tirek, so why is ‘others’ plural?” asked the Storm King.

Grogar glared at him.

“I think it’s a reasonable question!” said the Storm King. “But fine. Hey, Tirek! Get in here!”

And so Tirek came in. “So are we doing something already? Grogar, appreciate you restoring my strength so I don’t look so sickly, but it is indeed rather boring. You do have a plan, right?”

“Of course I have a plan!” said Grogar. “I have located an object of power, and it occurs to me this is the perfect test. The three of you will work together to retrieve it. Against this item, those ponies—and griffon—won’t stand a chance.”

“Oh, right, that whole ‘working together’ thing you’ve been trying to get us to do,” said Tirek. “Can’t we just skip past that and take over Equestria without it?”

“As I told you,” said Grogar, “the reason they defeat you is because they work together. You need to work together to defeat them! So in preparation for that, you’ll work together to get this item.”

“Right!” said the Storm King. “Cozy Glow, you’ll be my backup. Tirek, you’ll be my backup. And I’ll be the leader!”

The three quickly started squabbling over who would lead the mission. Grogar blasted all of them into the wall and held them there with his magic.

“Again, this is a demonstration of why you fail!” said Grogar. “And my power is greater than all of yours combined, with this blast being just a fraction of it. Do you understand?”

“Uh, I guess that makes sense,” said Cozy Glow. “Can you let us down now?”

Grogar relented and they fell to the floor. “As I was saying,” said Grogar, “Gusty the Great stole my Bewitching Bell, which held much of my magic. As it cannot be destroyed, Gusty hid it, and it has taken me until now to discover where it was. It’s in an enchanted cave high atop Mt. Everhoof, protected by magical winds that prevent anypony from reaching its peak. There it has remained until now.”

“Well, that sounds awfully dangerous,” said Cozy Glow. “And you said that it prevented anypony from reaching its peak, so I guess I’m out, being a pony. Good luck to you, Tirek and Storm King!”

“Anypony is just an expression,” said Grogar. “All three of you are going. So scale Mt. Everhoof and bring back my bell!”

“That sounds easy!” said the Storm King.

---

The three looked up at the mountain. “Well, it sounded easy,” said the Storm King.

“What sounded easy?” asked Cozy Glow.

“The scaling of the mountain and bringing back the bell,” said the Storm King.

“How were we supposed to figure that out? You just said ‘it sounded easy’ out of nowhere without any clarification as to what ‘it’ was!”

“It was clearly supposed to be a thought based on when I said ‘that sounds easy’ to Grogar,” said the Storm King. “I thought it was obvious.”

“How is it obvious you were referencing something you said hours ago and make no mention of in between?!” demanded Tirek.

“Look, are we going to go and get that bell or not?” said the Storm King.

After a fairly amusing adventure that brought the three together sort of not but not really…

“You failed to retrieve the bell?!” demanded Grogar.

“We’re sorry, almighty Grogar,” said Cozy Glow.

“We worked together like you asked, really!” said Tirek.

“We just aren’t as powerful as you,” added the Storm King.

Grogar angrily blasted a hole in the wall. “Obviously,” he said. “At least you did as you were told and worked together.” He stormed out through the hole.

“There has got to be a better method of moving around than constantly blasting your way through walls,” said the Storm King after Grogar had left. “Though I’m kind of confused. Why does he just accept our word that we worked together? Was he watching us? And if he was, wouldn’t he know about… you know?”

“You mean us keeping the bell for ourselves?” asked Cozy Glow.

“I was trying to avoid saying it in the off chance he had some kind of ability to listen into us,” said the Storm King.

“If he’s got that then we’re basically doomed anyway, so we might as well operate under the assumption he doesn’t,” said Tirek.

“Still!” said the Storm King. “You might as well take some reasonable precautions and avoid saying it unless it’s actually necessary.”

---

“I can’t believe we’ve come so far so quickly!” declared Chrysalis. “Cell phones! Minivision! Which apparently was called television back in that alternate world, but that’s the name we ended up sticking with. We’ve already gotten them rolled out as a test run, and soon enough we can get them to the full population! And there’s plenty of other great technology coming down the pipeline! This is sure to let me finally hit 95% in my approval rating! Maybe even 98%!”

“Well, it’s not that hard to gain advancements in technology when you’re just copying information from another world entirely,” said Starlight. “And the magic helps also in speeding up the process, even if it’s just to jumpstart things and we leave it out of the manufacturing itself once it’s ready.” She paused. “Okay, I don’t think this whole ‘tell us things we already know’ game you suggested is all that fun.”

“It is, admittedly, only fun in short doses,” said Chrysalis. “Well, it’ll still be several months yet, so in the meantime let’s work on some of that other stuff.”

---

“All right, Grogar is definitely gone again,” said the Storm King. “Any progress on figuring out that Bewitching Bell?”

“It would help if we had a magic expert,” said Cozy Glow.

“Oh, come on!” said the Storm King. “You guys were able to grab all kinds of magic from Equestria! How did you do that if you didn’t understand it?”

“That’s like asking how you can digest food if you don’t understand the digestive system!” said Tirek. “You just do it and it works.”

“Well,” said Cozy Glow, “I think I heard that the Archives in Canterlot castle has a restricted area. Maybe that might have information. Any ideas on how to get in?”

There was a pause.

“Really? No ideas?” said Cozy Glow in a huff.

“If you think it’s so easy, why don’t you offer some?” asked Tirek.

“I already did!” said Cozy Glow. “I’m the inspiration. You guys are the ones who come up with the specifics.”

“Ugh,” said the Storm King. “I wish we had a changeling or something. Maybe we could try to convince one of them it’s all some kind of big prank? Changelings like pranks, don’t they?”

“Actually, they’ve kind of moved away from that,” said Cozy Glow. “Everyone’s kind of given up trying to top Chrysalis.”

“Okay, maybe we could get Chrysalis to offer some kind of help… maybe?” said the Storm King.

Cozy Glow fell over laughing. “Chrysalis? Help us? In what kind of insane alternate universe would that happen?”

“At least I’m offering ideas!” said the Storm King. “Fine. If we can cause some chaos, then we can probably sneak into there.”

Some chaos causing later…

“Okay, so that plan worked surprisingly well,” said Tirek.

“I know!” said the Storm King. “I never knew I was that good at getting various ponies to get angry at each other! It’s certainly something to think about.”

“Can we get out of here and then have this conversation first?” said Cozy Glow. “We’re still in the archives, you know.”

One sneaking out later…

“Well,” said the Storm King, “I’ll say that on the whole, I find this mission to have been a success.”

“On the whole? What part wasn’t a success?”

“We didn’t have time to get the new Mare Do Well issue,” said the Storm King with a shrug. “Well, I guess I can do that after we take control. Along with, you know, all the much more important stuff that I’d get. But in the meantime, we can try to figure out this bell!”

“Ugh,” said Cozy Glow, “taking over the world is fun and all, but movies never show all the boring planning it involves.”

“Hey,” said the Storm King, “at least turning the ponies against each other might be fun.”

A good deal later…

“So, another successful trip?” asked Tirek.

“Yes,” said Cozy Glow. “But I still really wish we had a changeling or something on our team. Putting on all those disguises to pass as an earth pony or unicorn takes a lot of work.”

“Hey, you think it’s annoying for you?” asked Tirek. “Think of how annoying it is for me or the Storm King to disguise ourselves as ponies when we go out! Those costumes really cramp!”

“Too bad we didn’t have Chrysalis,” said the Storm King. “I bet she’d be amazing at getting ponies angry at each other.”

“Pfft!” said Cozy Glow. “Like I said, in what kind of insane alternate universe would Chrysalis help us?”

“Well!” said Tirek. “I think we’ve finally got everything ready for the plan.”

“You mean for our plan to get the ponies angry at each other and have more difficulty fighting us when we unleash Grogar’s Bell, because it can steal any kind of magic?” asked the Storm King.

“No, I meant the plan to order pizza,” said Tirek sarcastically. “Of course we’re referring to that plan!”

“I’m not so sure they’re different,” said the Storm King. “I plan to get a lot of pizza after we take over.”

“Pizza is tasty,” admitted Cozy Glow.

Tirek made a face. “Look, just because we ended up trusting each other a bit more after that adventure we went on to get the bell doesn’t mean I like you all that much. We’re all going to go our separate ways and rule our own kingdoms alone after we take over.”

“It’s a good thing no one saw us in that whole adventure, actually,” said the Storm King. “If they had, they might be expecting some kind of redemption for us or something. Good thing there wasn’t a very entertaining and silly adventure anyone other than us saw that made it seem like it was setting up a redemption, or at least a partial redemption, for us, right?”

Cozy Glow and Tirek stared blankly at him.

“I’m just saying,” he said. “Anyway! I think we should try the spell out before Grogar gets back. Always better to test these things out first, you know? Rushing a product out too early can really harm sales in the long run.”

“I have no idea what you’re yammering about with the product thing, but you are right on testing it out,” said Tirek.

Some more time later…

“I have returned,” announced Grogar, entering with a jewel. “We’re all ready to take over with this artifact. But you have to work together to succeed.”

“Oh, way ahead of you,” said the Storm King, now looking much more impressive in ways that will be left to the reader’s imagination—that’s not meant as a bit of innuendo or anything, it’s because the reader would have more fun picturing it on their own. Actually, wait, no. He got his staff back. That’s a good upgrade, right? “We’re going to set records for getting along!” He blasted Grogar’s front hooves, gluing him to the ground.

“What the–” started Grogar.

Tirek and Cozy Glow also entered, Tirek looking much larger and more muscular than before, and Cozy Glow with a unicorn’s horn. She zapped the artifact that Grogar had. The bell levitated in front of him.

“The bell?!” asked Grogar. “You had it all this time?! Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“We’re villains, duh,” said Cozy Glow.

“I consider myself more of an anti-hero, actually,” said the Storm King. “But I suppose that’s besides the point right now. Drain his power!”

The bell drained away Grogar’s power. He then turned into Discord.

“That was unexpected,” said Tirek.

“Yeah, I’m not sure how well that was set up,” added the Storm King.

After an unsuccessful finger snap, Discord took the opportunity to run away really quickly.

“Uh, should we follow him?” asked Cozy Glow.

“What are you, stupid?” said the Storm King as he started running after him. “Of course we should!”

And so the three tried to chase after the fleeing Discord and managed to eventually catch him.

“Ha!” said Tirek as he held up Discord. “What do you have to say for yourself now?”

“I’m sorry, sir!” said Discord. “It will never happen again!” He then promptly exploded.

“Okay… that was a decoy, I suppose,” said Tirek. “He’s got to be here somewhere!”

And so they searched, only to find several more Discords that all simply stated, “I’m sorry, sir! It will never happen again!” prior to blowing up.

“Darn it!” said the Storm King. “He must have set those up ahead of time to distract us!”

“He set up a bunch of copies to distract us just in the off chance we zapped all of his magic?” asked Cozy Glow.

“I mean, it worked, didn’t it?” said the Storm King.

“Bah!” said Tirek. “He’s nothing without his magic.”

“Hey!” said the Storm King. “You know that if he goes off and alerts someone about our plan, it could hurt us. That’s why I wanted us to capture him! The element of surprise is probably gone now!”

“Well, then let’s hurry up and get this thing completely ready!” said Cozy Glow.

“Right!” said the Storm King. “Time is money! And who wants to work minimum wage?”

“I’m not sure how… you know what? Never mind,” said Tirek. “Let’s do this.”

---

“Chrysalis! Chrysalis!” shouted Discord as he ran into the throne room.

“Is this an emergency? I’m kind of busy,” said Chrysalis.

“Busy doing what?” asked Discord.

“You’d get bored if I told you,” said Chrysalis.

“Yes, you’re probably right,” said Discord. “But yes, it is an emergency.”

“Ugh,” said Chrysalis with a sigh. “Fine. What is it?”

“I knew you were annoyed about your inability to reach a 95% approval rating, so I was planning to give you a gift of sorts so you wouldn’t be too upset when you find out about that incident with the noodles.”

“What noodles?” said Chrysalis.

“Uh… I’ll tell you at a better time,” said Discord. “Anyway, I was thinking maybe if you beat a bunch of villains, people would like you more. So I kind of sort of grabbed Cozy Glow, the Storm King, and Tirek from Tartarus and set up robot duplicates in their place so you wouldn’t notice they were gone. Anyway, I was going to set them off against you to be defeated, but then they ended up stealing this bell that gave them all super powers and they’re probably coming here to take over Equestria.”

Chrysalis stared at Discord, blinked a few times, stared a little more, then finally said, “WHAT?!”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time!” said Discord.

Chrysalis took a deep breath. “Okay. Do you have any idea how long it’ll be until they get here?”

“Uh… that depends on a number of factors,” said Discord. “How well will they manage to get along? Will they be able to master my chaos magic that they took away? Will they–”

“THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR JOKES!” screamed Chrysalis.

Uh-oh, Chrysalis is angry, thought Discord to himself. When she’s screaming rather than retaliating with passive-aggressive trolling, you know she’s upset. “Uh, well, they’ll probably be here soon,” he stammered. “It’s hard to give an exact timetable. I’m going to guess between the time it’ll take them to finish setting things up and get here, we have more than an hour but less than a day?”

Chrysalis took another deep breath, exhaled, then pulled out a cell phone and punched in several numbers.

“Oooh, is that one of those new ‘cell phone’ things you were inventing?” asked Discord. “Maybe I should’ve gotten one to contact you more quickly. By the way, how’d you change the design so that they worked with hooves, which aren’t as specific as fingers?”

“You don’t get to talk until I tell you to,” snapped Chrysalis as she held the phone up to her head. “Hey, Sunset? I kind of need you and your crew in here. Right now.” She paused, then added, “Yes, I mean right now as in right now. I don’t care if Trixie and Lightning Dust would want to make some last minute changes to the Mare Do Well episode that airs soon!”

A very short time later…

“So what do you need this time?” asked Sunset as she and the others came in.

“Tell them,” said Chrysalis to Discord with a sigh.

“I knew Chrysalis was annoyed about her inability to reach a 95% approval rating, so I was planning to give her a gift of sorts so she wouldn’t be too upset when she find out about that incident with the beavers. So I was thinking maybe if she beat a bunch of villains, people would like her more. So I kind of sort of grabbed Cozy Glow, the Storm King, and Tirek from Tartarus and was going to set them off against her to be defeated, but then they ended up stealing this bell that gave them all super powers and they’re probably coming here to take over Equestria,” said Discord.

They all stared at Discord, blinked a few times, stared a little more, then finally all said in unison, “WHAT?!”

“Yeah, that was my reaction too,” said Chrysalis.

“Well then send the army!” said Sunset. “Get others to help! What are we supposed to do?”

“Honestly?” said Chrysalis. “I don’t know. But you have such an amazing track record with dealing with threats like this that I had to call in your services. But I did try to get the army and such ready, but there’s a weird level of division going on in it right now. But first!” She turned to Discord. “Okay, you’ve given your exposition, so you can leave.”

“Finally!” muttered Discord. “You kept me in here all this time waiting until they arrived just to say that to them!”

“Because it was so absurd I’d feel dumb if I had to explain it myself,” said Chrysalis.

“Well, there’s some stuff I have to take care of anyway,” said Discord. “In case this goes wrong and we all die, it’s important to take some precautions like selling my garden gnome collection.” He left.

“Okay,” said Chrysalis, “so any ideas?”

“Ugh,” said Sunset. “Okay. Maybe we should try to see if we can get those Elements of Irony back.”

“If these guys can absorb magic, couldn’t they just absorb that too?” asked Gilda.

“I say we stop talking and just go over there right now and try to take them out!” said Lightning Dust. “Element of surprise! Which isn’t one of the Elements of Irony but is still good!”

“By the time we get there they’ll probably be perfectly set up,” said Flim.

“Is there some way to release power from the bell?” suggested Trixie. “Maybe we could do that? It’d take some boring research, but it might be possible.”

“Um… guys?” said Suri. “Maybe these would work, but have you noticed how many times we’ve had to deal with these sorts of crazy powerful magical threats that threaten the world as we know it?”

“Yeah, it has become surprisingly common and is rather tiring,” said Flam.

“Is there any reason to believe this will be the last one?” said Suri. “I mean, we could stop them, but then another crazy powerful enemy will be just around the corner. I’m not sure our luck can stand up for that much longer.”

“Well, then what’s the solution?” asked Sunset. “Just forget bothering to protect Equestria and run off to an alternate universe entirely?” She paused. “Unfortunately, they’d probably just figure out some way to get to that universe after taking over Equestria, so never mind. What’s your suggestion?”

“Well…” said Suri. “I kind of had an idea of how to deal with them… and make sure we don’t have to deal with these sorts of threats in the future. I’ve been mulling it over ever since the Cozy Glow incident, but it seemed a bit extreme to suggest it before now.”

“Too much suspense!” said Trixie. “Tell us!”

Suri told them.

They all stared at her, briefly speechless.

“That would… yeah, that would do it,” said Sunset. “But… kind of extreme, don’t you think? That would cause so much chaos.”

“Let’s do it,” said Chrysalis.

Everyone stared at her.

“Honestly,” said Chrysalis, “I was pondering that. But it seemed so crazy I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it unless someone else suggested it. It’ll probably kill my approval rating worse than this whole incident already would, though. Oh well, hopefully all this technology will help make up for it.”

“Maybe we should, uh, think about it a little more?” suggested Lightning Dust. “You know, have some other plan and then if that falls through, go with this?”

“Well, obviously,” said Chrysalis. “But since this is going to take some time to set up, we need to start on it as quickly as possible. And prevent those three from stopping us before it’s done. You’ll probably need to split up for this, because I’m going to be assigning you to do different things.”

“Oooh! Oooh!” said Lightning Dust. “I volunteer to be the distraction!”

“I never said anything about a distraction yet,” said Chrysalis.

“Well, I think I’d make a great distraction!” said Lightning Dust.

“You’re certainly being distracting right now,” said Sunset.

“Exactly!” said Lightning Dust. “If there’s a distraction needed, I want to be it!”

“Here’s what we’re doing,” said Chrysalis. “Flim, Flam, you’re fairly good at sweet-talking. I need you to get the other countries forewarned of what’s going to happen so they aren’t completely blindsided, and hopefully don’t get overly upset about it all.”

“That’s kind of a tall order,” said Flim.

“Well, that’s unfortunately the situation we’re in,” said Chrysalis. “As for the rest of you…”

---

“Fools!” declared the now-transformed-into-some-kind-of-weird-alicorn-monster Cozy Glow. “Now I have more power than you all! Kneel before my–”

Tirek and the Storm King shrugged and zapped Cozy Glow back to normal.

“Okay,” panted Cozy Glow, “so you were right. Discord is the only one who can control his chaos magic.”

“You guys need to listen to me more often,” said the Storm King. “Why do you think I put all of the energy I absorbed when I tried to take over Equestria into the staff? It was so that it wouldn’t screw me up like it could if I put it into myself!”

“I thought the entire thing, including the staff, was just your lieutenant’s idea, and you just sat around and did nothing in particular in the meantime,” said Cozy Glow.

“Details,” said the Storm King dismissively. “Besides, a mark of a good leader is knowing when to let others the dirty work. That’s why I let you try to absorb Discord’s magic instead of doing it myself!”

“Ugh,” said Tirek, “we wasted too much time with that stunt. Let’s just leave it in the bell and take over the kingdom already.”

“Where do we strike first?” asked Cozy Glow.

“Everywhere,” said Tirek.

There was a pause. “I don’t think all three of us can attack everywhere at once,” said Cozy Glow.

“I’ll admit, I don’t think that statement made much sense in retrospect,” said the Storm King. “It was one of those things that sounds cool and ominous, but once you stop to think about it, it isn’t as impressive.”

“Fine!” said Tirek. “We’ll prioritize our targets. Do either of you have anyone in particular you wanted some kind of revenge on?”

“Kind of everyone, honestly,” said the Storm King. “It took a team effort to beat me. I suppose it was either Chrysalis or Sunset that contributed the most, though, depending on how you look at it?”

“Hrm,” said Tirek, “the same holds true for me. Well, without the Chrysalis part, I guess. As far as I know, at least. Maybe she came up with the plan to beat me.”

“They’ll probably all go to Canterlot anyway after finding out about what happened, so let’s try there,” said Cozy Glow. “We at least know Chrysalis will be there.”

---

“I think this is the part where you’re supposed to give a big, inspirational speech,” said Trixie.

“What? Why?” asked Sunset.

“To get us inspired?” said Trixie.

“Ugh, fine!” said Sunset. “Uh… we’ve fought enemies in the past, and always have come across triumphant! Sometimes by accident, but still!”

“I feel so inspired,” Lightning Dust whispered excitedly to Gilda, who rolled her eyes.

“So,” continued Sunset, “if the pattern holds, we should be victorious this time as well! We’ve managed to get a lot accomplished in less than a day. After all–”

Abruptly, Cozy Glow burst through the doors and entered the room, standing on a bunch of defeated guards. “Oh, come on! Where’d you get that nonsense?”

“That’s another reason to give the big, inspirational speech!” said Trixie. “It makes the entrance of the villain more dramatic when they interrupt.”

“That doesn’t even make–” started Sunset before getting interrupted again, this time by a zap from Cozy Glow.

“Wait,” said Trixie, “did you physically drag all of those guards in with you? That seems like a lot of unnecessary time and effort to–”

This time Trixie got interrupted by getting zapped herself. “I have to stop questioning the plans of super-powerful enemies,” she muttered to herself.

“So is it just you, or are Tirek and the Storm King here also?” asked Suri.

“Wouldn’t you like to know!” said Cozy Glow.

“Uh, yeah, I would,” said Sunset.

“Surrender and I’ll consider telling you,” said Cozy Glow. “You’ve got three seconds. One, two–”

Tirek crashed through the door. “You haven’t beaten them yet?” he said.

“I was going to in just a few seconds!” said Cozy Glow.

“It’s always ‘just a few seconds’ with you, isn’t it?” muttered Tirek.

“You took your time dealing with them in the past!” said Cozy Glow.

“Only because… you know what? How about we hash this out after we beat them?” said Tirek.

“Wait, hang on!” said Cozy Glow as she peered at Sunset and the others. “Aren’t there usually more in your group? I’m sure there were two guys who looked super similar to each other. Where are they?”

“Oh, Flim and Flam?” said Suri. “They went off to talk to some foreign leaders. I’m not sure of all the specifics, but it may have had to do with forming a coalition to beat you all.”

“Uh, by the way, guys?” said Discord. “You know that bell you’re using to gain all that magical power? It kind of has a few problems you should know. Once you start it up, it starts grabbing magic power in general, and eventually no one other than you will be able to use magic!”

Suri face-hoofed. “Discord, why would you tell them that?”

“To appeal to their better nature!” said Discord. He turned to them. “Did it work?”

“No,” said Tirek, “but I thank you for the information.”

“Ha!” said Discord as he stuck out his tongue. “Shows what you know! If you overuse the bell and don’t give it time to recharge, it’ll gradually power down into nothingness, and then you’ll have to wait a day for it to recharge itself.”

“Stop giving them information!” said Chrysalis in an irritated tone.

“It’s my lack of power! It’s addling my brain!” said Discord.

“Oh, screw it,” said Sunset. “I’m out of here.” She suddenly disappeared.

“Don’t worry!” said Trixie. “She’s not running away from all of this; she’s just off to get more reinforcements! She’ll have them ready for us any moment now!” There was a pause. “Any moment now.” There was another pause. “I think I may have overestimated Sunset’s devotion to our cause.”

“Enough,” said Tirek as he fired a blast at them, which hit Chrysalis and Discord, knocking them out.

“Uh… I’ll go look for Sunset!” said Trixie as she abruptly teleported away also.

“I think I left the water running, come to think of it,” said Lightning Dust before she abruptly flew off in a rush.

“Ugh!” said Suri. “Of course they run. Got any ideas, Gilda?”

“Yeah!” said Gilda as she pulled out a shotgun. “Unfortunately, they don’t involve you.” She fired and a large black cloud suddenly appeared. Cozy Glow and Tirek blasted it away, but Gilda had managed to vanish, leaving only Suri.

“I need to get more loyal acquaintances,” she muttered to herself before being abruptly blasted by Cozy Glow and Tirek.

Just then, the Storm King burst into the room through a wall. He looked around. “Darn it! You already beat them? I had the perfect entrance line prepared, too! In fact, I had multiple ones ready for all kinds of different situations! My favorite was the one for if I were to enter and they had all turned into giant rubber duckies to fight you.”

“You came up with that but didn’t have a line for coming in when they were already defeated?” said Tirek.

“Hey, that one for the rubber duckies was great, I’ll have you know! I would’ve said ‘rabbit season? More like duck season!’”

There was a pause. “I don’t get it,” said Cozy Glow.

“Look, that isn’t the point!” said Tirek. “What we need to be doing now is going and getting the others. They’re still out there and a threat!”

“First, should we finish off these guys?” said the Storm King as he gestured to the slumped-over Chrysalis, Discord, and Suri. “If we spare them, they might escape and thwart our plans somehow. Getting rid of them might be little more violent than I’d like, but sometimes you need to bump up the parental guidance rating a bit. On the other hand, sometimes bumping up the parental guidance can actually attract edgy teenagers to your film, plus they could make possible hostages. Sunset and the others, I mean, not the edgy teenagers, because no one likes edgy teenagers, not even the edgy teenagers.”

“Please get to the point,” said Tirek.

“Oh, right, back to the hostages. I mean, do you really have any leverage once they’re gone? Also, if you wanted to have any fun while getting revenge, you want them to stay alive for a while. Decisions, decisions.”

“Wait!” said Discord. “If you spare me, I’ll help you find them!”

“Hey!” said Chrysalis. “If you’re going to sell them out, at least extend the sparing to the rest of us in the room!”

“Okay, fine, spare me and the rest of us, at least for now,” said Discord.

“Before we even discuss sparing anyone, exactly how are you going to be of any help when you don’t have your magic?” asked Tirek.

“Oh, sure, I don’t have magic,” said Discord. “But I planted tracking devices on all of them! You can find them that way.”

“Wait,” said Suri, “you put tracking devices on us?!”

“It was part of a zany prank idea I had,” said Discord, “but I ended up deciding against it, as I couldn’t find enough penguins to make it work. But I never took them off, and kept them on just in case…”

“Fine,” said Tirek, “where are they, then?”

“Well, I kinda need my little device for that,” said Discord. “But thankfully, I have it!” He pulled out a weird-looking device.

“Where were you keeping that?” asked Cozy Glow.

“In my pocket!” said Discord. Before anyone could ask where his pocket was, he quickly added, “anyway, this thing is like a compass. It’ll point you to where any of them are! Who do you want?”

“I don’t trust him,” said the Storm King.

“I can prove it, really!” said Discord desperately. “Look! According to the device thing, Gilda is still in this room!”

Tirek grabbed the device from Discord and looked at it. “Hrm. And according to it, she is… there.” He pulled away some curtains to reveal Gilda clinging to the wall.

“Ha!” said Gilda as she pointed her shotgun at Tirek. “You’ve fallen into my–”

Tirek grabbed the gun and twisted it in half.

“–classic prank!” finished Gilda quickly. “I wasn’t actually going to shoot you, so–”

Tirek punched her across the room.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t buy that either,” muttered Gilda. “Also, Discord? I am so killing you if we somehow survive this.”

“Meh, get in line,” said Discord.

“So how exactly does this device work?” asked Tirek.

“No way,” said Discord. “I’m not stupid. I’m not going to give that all away. You’ll just say you have no further use for me or something cheesy like that before killing me.”

“Nonsense,” said the Storm King. “I feel the word ‘kill’ is a bit violent. We were really just planning to destroy you a little.”

“What’s even the difference?” asked Cozy Glow.

“Oh, you know,” said the Storm King.

“The point is, I know this is my main way to make it so you don’t kill or destroy or anything else to me!” said Discord.

“First,” said Tirek, “we need to make sure we have Canterlot completely subdued, or else we’ll have to just have to go through this again when we come back. Once we do that, we can see if Discord will take us to them.”

---

“Come on, come on,” muttered Sunset to herself as she looked through the books desperately. “There’s got to be something here.”

“Hiya, Sunset!” said Trixie as she came in. “I thought you’d be here.”

“Because we agreed we’d try to meet back here in the Crystal Empire library if we failed to stop them in Canterlot and we ran off and escaped?”

“Well, duh,” said Trixie. “Why would you feel the need to mention all that when I already knew?”

“Because it was so obvious why you’d think I was here that it didn’t make sense you mentioned it at all!”

“Hrm, that makes some sense,” said Trixie.

“Okay, your weird habit of stating the obvious has gotten weirdly endearing over time, but if you’re here, would you help me research? There’s got to be something in here that could help us figure it out.”

“How long have you been searching?” asked Trixie.

“Not sure,” said Sunset. “It’s been about a day since we found out about them getting the Bewitching Bell, but I’m not sure exactly when I got here.”

“Actually,” said Trixie, “given the importance of all of this, why haven’t you been given help?”

“Apparently the only one who actually is able to navigate this giant library to any real degree is Twilight, and she’s off in Ponyville right now,” said Sunset. “In retrospect, maybe we should’ve asked her to do the research, but then again she might be more useful there. But anyway, we really don’t have much time to find something before it’s too late.”

“Okay, then!” said Trixie. “I don’t know if I’ll be of any help, but–”

“Greetings, fellow ponies!” declared Lightning Dust as she suddenly flew in. “I just flew in from Canterlot, and boy, are my wings tired!” She promptly collapsed onto the floor. “Yeah… wasn’t kidding about them being tired. Barely made it here. Not going to be able to fly for a while.”

“Were you two the only ones who made it out?” asked Sunset.

“No idea,” said Lightning Dust. “When I darted out, Gilda and Suri were still there. Not sure what happened with them. For all I know they were turned into cream puffs.”

“Uh… okay,” said Sunset. “Anyway, do you think you might be able to help find anything here?”

Lightning Dust looked around the giant library. “Honestly? Not really. I’d probably just mess everything up in the search and comically annoy you. Wouldn’t it be better to ask one of the librarians for help? Or Twilight?”

“Sunset already explained that when you weren’t in the room,” said Trixie.

“Oh, really?” said Lightning Dust. “Never mind then. No need to repeat it. So! Any ideas on what I could do?”

“Go try to rally all of the random ponies everywhere to try to band together and fight the villains?” said Sunset.

“Already tried that,” said Lightning Dust. “It didn’t work. They’re all angry at each other for some reason. Way more than usual.”

“Oh, right, I meant to bring that up,” said Trixie. “On my way here, because it took a lot of teleports to travel this whole space, even with that Teleport-o-Enhance™ that Starswirl made, I kind of tried to see if I could get anypony to go along, but they’re all upset at each other and stuff.”

“Well, that’s… stupid,” said Sunset.

“Kind of,” said Trixie.

“Ugh,” said Sunset. “Guess it’s back to trying to look through all these books. We should still have some time before they end up here, because I’m sure they’ll have to make sure they completely subdue Canterlot and leave it under their control after locking everypony who might conceivably be a threat to them up before they come after us, which should give us a day or two to keep looking.”

“Hey, look on the bright side!” said Lightning Dust. “Even if you can’t find a new way to deal with them, that plan we did come up with as a backup seems to be coming along fine, so we–”

“Hang on!” said Trixie. “Don’t say anything about the plan itself! In stories, plans like that are way more likely to work if they aren’t said out loud!”

“Even setting aside how dumb that sounds, we did say it all out lout when we discussed it before!” said Sunset.

“The first discussion doesn’t count,” said Trixie. “It’s usually set offscreen.”

“This is stupid,” said Sunset.

“Hey!” said Trixie. “I can’t be the only one to notice how frequently our lives resemble that of a movie series! This stuff may seem dumb, but it actually seems to fit real life!”

“I guess that makes sense in its own completely nonsensical way,” admitted Sunset.

“Exactly!” said Trixie. “So unless we absolutely have to, we should avoid talking about it.”

“Okay, fine,” said Sunset. “In the meantime, do you have any suggestions?”

“Why not use the Crystal Empire’s army or other resources?” suggested Trixie.

“Even if they did have enough power, which is unclear given how everything else got defeated, they’re busy dealing with an invasion of carnivorous noodles right now anyway,” said Sunset.

“I always knew you couldn’t trust pasta,” muttered Lightning Dust.

“Okay, so I guess that’s out,” said Trixie. “Well, let’s keep looking, and then maybe I’ll come up with something later!”

One or two days later…

“I’ve got it!” said Trixie.

“You found an answer?” said Sunset.

“Huh?” said Trixie. “No, I meant I figured out the way we should try to beat them! Since it seems villains around here have a bad habit of not killing off their enemies, we just have to figure out a way to rescue the rest of our crew, and then once we’re all together, we’ll… I don’t know, but stuff seems to work out great when we’re all together.”

“Flim and Flam are still away, though,” said Lightning Dust.

“Find a way to get them back, then!” said Trixie.

“I can’t contact them from here!” said Sunset. “Do you know how bad cell phone reception in the Crystal Empire is?”

Just then, Flim and Flam entered. “Oh, hi!” said Flim. “They said you would be here.”

“Did it go all right?” said Sunset.

“And be sure to answer it in a way that doesn’t reveal what you were sent off to do!” added Trixie.

Flam gave Trixie an odd look but shrugged. “It went about as well as it probably could have gone.”

“It’s awfully convenient that you guys came in right now,” said Lightning Dust.

“We would’ve been here earlier but got held up in an irritating sequence of events that was rather comical in retrospect,” said Flim.

“That sort of thing happens a lot, I’ve noticed,” said Trixie.

“So what’s going on?” asked Flam. “We did get the gist of the situation by asking around on our way here. Any major breakthroughs on how to go back and fix things?”

“Well, we were hoping we might find an answer in one of these books, but it hasn’t worked so far,” said Sunset. “Honestly, I don’t think I’ll actually stumble across anything useful at this point.”

“Okay then!” said Trixie. “So the only thing to do is to get the group together, and then somehow we’ll come to victory.”

“That’s not much of a plan,” said Flam.

“It’s never failed to work in the past!” said Trixie.

“You bring up a point,” said Flim.

“And it’s vague enough of a plan that talking about it won’t decrease the odds of its success!” added Trixie.

“Huh?” said Flim.

“We can discuss that bit of Trixie’s weirdness on the way,” said Sunset. “Let’s just get going. Tirek, the Storm King, and Cozy Glow are probably on their way here anyway.”

“Hey, wait,” said Lightning Dust, “do you guys hear something?”

“Hear what?” said Flim.

“It sounded kinda like the wailing of a group of weird ghostly entities that had been gone for a long time but just recently reappeared thanks to rampant disagreements amongst ponykind.” She paused briefly. “Alternatively, it might have just been one of your stomachs grumbling. Did any of you not eat recently?”

“No, it does seem to be coming from outside,” said Sunset as it grew louder. They all went out to the window to see a bunch of windigos in the sky.

“Well, that may complicate things,” said Flim mildly.

Comments

[The Fiery Phoenix]

So glad this is back. Can wait for the next chapter.

[Razzy]

It lives!

It's weird that the Absurdverse inhabitants have more sensible reactions to Discord than the main show universe's inhabitants.

Noo, not the approval rating.

Why has the Element of Gun failed us?!