My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd

by Lord Seth

The Cutie Re-Remark - Part 1

“Good news, everypony!” declared Sunset.

“Is this actually good news, or are you just doing that to try to butter us up for what’s actually bad news?” asked Gilda.

“It’s news that’s so good that I’m not even going to respond to that quip of yours,” said Sunset.

“You just did,” pointed out Gilda.

“It’s news that’s so good you’re not even annoying me with that,” said Sunset. “I think we might finally have a buyer for this castle!”

“Really?” asked Suri. “Who?”

“Unfortunately, their name is smudged on the letter,” said Sunset. “I guess I’ll just ask them when they show up.”

“I can’t wait to get the money from the sale!” said Flim. “I’m going to use mine to further finance my business operations.”

“Huh, so am I,” said Lightning Dust.

“Me as well,” said Trixie. “Or should that be ‘I as well’?”

“Forget business operations,” said Gilda. “I’m going to get that new rocket launcher I saw an ad for.” She held out a magazine. “Look at this specs on this thing! It’s top of the line!”

“Why are you carrying that around?” asked Sunset.

“Mostly just so I can gaze at it,” said Gilda as she stared at the picture of the rocket launcher. “So beautiful…” she said dreamily.

“If you like it so much, why don’t you just marry it?” said Flam.

“Well, first, I don’t think an inanimate object can legally give consent to marry,” said Gilda. “Second, I can’t really stay loyal to just one firearm. So I’d probably go through all those marriages pretty quickly. And I don’t know about you, but I do not want to have to deal with all those divorce proceedings.”

“My brain hurts,” muttered Sunset.

“I’ve heard that’s a sign of dementia,” said Trixie. “Maybe you should get it checked out.”

“And my good mood is rapidly fading,” grumbled Sunset.

“So, when does the buyer get here?” asked Suri.

“They were very eager, so they should be here any moment now.”

An unspecified number of moments later…

“Hello!” said the arriving pony, who was wearing an outfit so large and heavy it was not possible to see what they actually looked like. “I’m here to look at the castle! My name is Ragmill Mightrest.”

“What’s with the outfit?” asked Sunset.

“I’ve just been feeling very cold,” said Ragmill.

“Sure, whatever,” said Sunset. “Anyway, do you need a tour of the castle?”

“Certainly,” said Ragmill. The two left.

“Hrmmmmmmm,” said Gilda ponderously as she watched the two walk off. “Ragmill Mightrest…”

---

“And here we are in the map room!” said Sunset. “The map activates sometimes to send some of our group off on crazy adventures that seem to end up with us solving some kind of problem and making money doing so. For that reason, it isn’t for sale, but the rest of the castle is.”

“Well–” started Ragmill before being interrupted by Gilda kicking open the door and marching up the two.

“All right, I’ve seen through your game,” said Gilda. “I’m not sure exactly what your goal is, but it stops here!” She pulled out a gun and pointed it at Ragmill.

“Gilda, what are you–” started Sunset.

“Ragmill Mightrest is just an anagram for Starlight Glimmer,” said Gilda. “Watch!” Gilda pulled off Ragmill’s hood, revealing a pony that looked nothing at all like Starlight Glimmer, who promptly sneezed on Gilda.

“Okay,” said Gilda after she lowered her weapon. “This is awkward.”

Ragmill grabbed the hood back and put it on. “Well, this tour has been… interesting. I’ll have to… think about buying.” She ran off quickly.

“Great!” said Sunset. “You might have cost us a customer because of your paranoia over Starlight Glimmer!”

“She was completely covered up and had a name that was an anagram for Starlight Glimmer!” said Gilda. “I thought it was a perfectly logical conclusion.”

“Why in the world do you think Starlight Glimmer would deliberately choose a fake name that’s an anagram for her actual name?” demanded Sunset.

“Um, Sunset–” started Gilda.

“If she were to choose a fake name,” interrupted Sunset, “it would’ve been something that had no apparent connection to her actual name, like Feels Cold!”

“Speaking of–” started Gilda again before getting interrupted.

“Why did you think Starlight Glimmer was suddenly going to show up?!” said Sunset. “If she–”

Gilda didn’t bother saying anything this time. Instead, she grabbed Sunset and turned her around, revealing Starlight Glimmer lounging on one of the chairs.

“Hi, Sunset,” said Starlight nonchalantly. “I was wondering when you’d notice me.”

“How long has she been there?” Sunset asked Gilda.

“It was between the words ‘deliberately’ and ‘choose’ that she came in,” said Gilda.

Sunset sighed. “Well, Starlight, are you here to buy the castle? It is for sale.”

“No, I am not here to buy the castle!” said Starlight. “I’m here to extract my revenge!”

“I guess that was too much to hope for,” muttered Sunset to herself.

“You see,” said Starlight, “ever since you foiled my plans by that whole shapeshifting trick, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how you could be a changeling. After all, the cutie mark removing spell doesn’t work on them, as they have no actual cutie marks to remove! And so, I started my research by going to–”

“Can you get to the point?” asked Gilda.

“I eventually figured out you’re a hybrid changeling/unicorn due to that whole transformation induced by figuring out that Starswirl spell,” said Starlight. “That’s how you were able to transform like a changeling while having a cutie mark like a pony. And in my research, I was able to discover something else very important about Starswirl!” She levitated up a crumpled up piece of paper. “I won’t need that anymore!” she said as she threw it away. Magic zapped, and a large portal suddenly appeared above her, which she was sucked in.

“That was odd,” said Sunset.

“I agree,” said Gilda as she went over to the piece of paper. “What was this, anyway?” She touched the piece of paper, and suddenly the portal appeared again and started sucking her in. Sunset grabbed Gilda to try to stop her, but only got pulled into it along with her.

---

Another portal opened elsewhere and unceremoniously spat out Gilda and Sunset. Unfortunately for them, the portal opened up high in the sky. Fortunately for them, the two emerged above a solid roadway on one of the clouds. Unfortunately for them, they fell out a reasonable distance above said road. Fortunately for Gilda, Gilda could fly and was able to simply land. Unfortunately for Sunset, she couldn’t. Fortunately for Sunset, she knew a spell that let her walk on the clouds. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t have time to cast it while in free fall, plus it wouldn’t have eliminated her velocity from the fall. Fortunately for Sunset, she also had transformation abilities, so she transformed into changeling form, used her wings to slow her descent, then transformed back and landed.

“Why are we in Cloudsdale now?” asked Gilda.

“You ask that as if I should have any better idea than you,” said Sunset.

“Oh no!” said Gilda. “I just realized something!”

“What?”

“In all that commotion, I inadvertently dropped my gun! This is terrible!”

“That you don’t have it?” asked Sunset.

“Well, that’s a problem,” said Gilda. “But far worse is the fact that I left it lying there where anyone could grab it! That is such a major violation of gun safety rules!”

“Uh, sure,” said Sunset. “Anyway–”

Gilda grabbed Sunset. “You don’t understand! That’s the sort of thing that can cause accidental gun deaths! And that can lead to gun control laws! We have to go back right now!”

“Gilda, how likely do you think it is that someone would come by who’s even capable of using it? Ponyville is dominated by ponies who can’t use guns thanks to their hooves.”

Gilda sighed. “Fine. But let’s try to deal with this as quickly so we can get back to Ponyville as soon as possible.”

“No arguments there,” said Sunset. “Now let’s just try to figure out why Starlight even came here.”

The two were interrupted by a significantly younger Rainbow Dash suddenly flying by.

“Hey, isn’t that… what was her name again?” asked Sunset. “Prism Bolt?”

“No, it’s Rainbow Dash,” said Gilda.

“Right, Rainbow Dash,” said Sunset. “Did she seem a lot younger to you?”

“Maybe she’s discovered the fountain of youth,” said Gilda. “Come on! Let’s go ask her where it is so we can use it to get young too!”

“Do you think it’s possible we traveled back in time?”

“Oh, come on,” said Gilda. “The fountain of youth thing makes much more sense.”

“Well,” said Sunset as she pointed at a similarly young Fluttershy, “do you think she found the fountain of youth also?”

“It’s a possibility!” said Gilda.

Sunset pointed at several other ponies they had seen at some point previously who were now much younger. “And all of them?”

“If they all used the fountain of youth, then… hang on,” said Gilda as she looked more closely at the piece of paper she was holding. “Oh, this is labeled a time travel spell. I suppose the time travel thing is more plausible.”

Sunset grabbed the piece of paper from Gilda and inspected it. “Wait, I think I read about this spell before. But I thought it could only send you back a week?”

“Why are you asking me?” said Gilda. “All I know about magic is that the rules aren’t consistent and seem to be made up as they go along.”

“Let’s just see if we can find Starlight,” said Sunset. “Maybe then we can figure out how to undo the spell.”

Sunset and Gilda looked around but couldn’t find squat. This made sense, as squat was not a fruit that grew in Cloudsdale. More pertinently, however, they could not find Starlight either.

“Well, I’ve got nothing,” said Gilda. “Might as well go watch that race those foals are having.”

“Why would I care about that?” asked Sunset.

“It’d pass the time,” said Gilda.

“Fine, sure.”

The two went over to watch Rainbow Dash’s race against the generic characters no one really cares about. Fluttershy, who was apparently the referee, gave the signal to start, but then got knocked down off the cloud and fell.

“Should we help her?” suggested Sunset.

“She’s a pegasus; she can just fly,” said Gilda with a shrug.

And so the race continued. “Well, this is boring,” said Sunset. “I’m not sure why we thought this would be interesting. Come on, let’s–”

Sunset was interrupted by Starlight suddenly emerging from a cloud and zapping Rainbow Dash, halting her progress and costing her the race. “Sorry about that,” said a not-looking-sorry-at-all Starlight.

“Well, I guess that’s where she is,” said Gilda as she flew over. “So, what are you doing interrupting a dumb race between a few foals? As far as traveling back in time plans go, it seems a bit lame.”

“You are about to find out,” said Starlight with a smirk. Suddenly, the portal from before appeared and sucked both Sunset and Gilda into it. They were unceremoniously dumped onto the map table, except there was no castle around it anymore.

“Well, that was annoying,” said Sunset. She looked around. “Wait, where’d the castle go?”

“Clearly, Starlight’s meddling in the past has caused the present to change!” said Gilda.

“It kept the map but not the castle? What kind of sense does that make?” Sunset looked more closely at the map. “It looks like it’s malfunctioning. The whole terrain is different. Why is the Crystal Empire larger? And why does it look like Equestria itself has been split into two halves?”

“Let’s consult the instruction manual!” declared Gilda as she pulled it out. “I’m so glad I made a copy of this.”

“Why are you carrying that around?” asked Sunset.

“I carry all kinds of random stuff around!” said Gilda. “For example, I also have the instruction manual for the stove. You never know when these things might come in handy!”

“Gilda, somehow I doubt there’s a note regarding time travel,” said Sunset.

“Well, of course there wouldn’t be,” said Gilda. “Why would an instruction manual for a stove have that?”

“I meant the instruction manual for the map,” said Sunset.

“Let’s find out!” said Gilda as she flipped through the index. “Aha! Time travel!”

“Huh,” said Sunset.

Gilda turned to the applicable page. “‘Your map is not automatically insured against time travel tomfoolery. This option can be purchased at an additional cost.’ Darn it, we didn’t get that?”

“Whatever!” said Sunset. “Let’s find Lightning Dust, Suri, Flim, Flam, and Trixie and see if they can help sort this out.”

“You actually want to get them?” asked Gilda in a surprised tone.

“As annoying as they can be,” said Sunset, “they often tend to be important in solving these things. Hopefully they’re still around in this alternate timeline. Why does this town look so dilapidated and abandoned anyway?”

“That is a good question,” said Gilda.

“Hey, you two!” announced a uniformed Trixie as she approached Susnet and Gilda. “What are civilians like you doing here? We’re extremely close to a battleground. It isn’t safe!”

“Battleground?” asked a confused Gilda. “What’s this about a battleground?”

“Great,” muttered Trixie to herself. “Clueless civilians at that.”

“I should mention that we’re from an alternate timeline in which whatever is going on right now isn’t going on, so it’d be really useful if you were to fill us in on what was going on!”

“Crazy, clueless civilians,” added Trixie. “Come on, let’s go.” Trixie ran off.

“Guess we might as well follow,” said Sunset as she and Gilda quickly gave chase. They ran through the town as several more explosions were heard around them. Eventually they came to a a doorway on the ground. Trixie opened it, revealing stairs, and the group ran down them before Trixie closed the door behind them. They reached a room where they found Flim and Flam.

“Oh, there actually was somepony else in the town?” asked Flim.

“It’s a good thing I checked,” said Trixie.

“All right, can somepony please explain what the situation is?” asked Sunset.

“How do you not know?” said Flam.

“She says she’s from an alternate timeline,” said Trixie. “I’m pretty sure she’s just crazy.”

“Well, humor us and tell us anyway, because there’s not that much else to do right now,” said Gilda as another explosion was heard.

“I had better get extra credit for this,” muttered Trixie. “Fine. Equestria is currently engaged in a three-way civil war, with the three sides being the Celestia-led faction based in the Crystal Empire, the Sombra-led faction based in Canterlot, and the Shining Armor-led faction based in Appleloosa. Ponyville has the unfortunate fact of being located near the disputed border, so it tends to bear a lot of the brunt of the fighting.”

“Wait, Celestia? Sombra?” asked Sunset.

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Celestia popped back up and took control of the Crystal Empire in short order, which partially involved forcing everypony there to get along with the Crystal Heart. Ordinarily I expect Equestria would have been able to fight them off, but years before that Sombra went mad with power, causing the west and south portions of Equestria to secede, creating the current situation.”

“That seems… really weird for Sombra to have done,” said Sunset. “I wonder what happened?”

Meanwhile…

“Okay, Sombra sir!” declared the one of the soldiers. “What are your orders now?”

Sombra made a complicated set of charades.

“Hrm,” said the other soldier. “He may have said, ‘Let’s stop this futile war and make peace so that we can defeat our true enemy.’ That, or he said, ‘Crush our enemies! See them driven before us. Hear the lamentations of their women.’ I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. Let’s pass along the word!” The soldiers ran off.

Sombra sighed to himself. I was just asking for some coffee, he thought.

Back with our main characters…

“Well, whatever it was that caused it, that’s the situation,” said Trixie.

“And why are you here, then?” Gilda asked Flim and Flam.

“Oh, just hiding out from the bombs,” said Flim. “We’ve got to stick around Ponyville because selling cider is really the only way to make ends meet. Not that it turns much of a profit considering the low prices we have to sell them for.”

“I’m only here because I got stuck with the job of trying to make sure this town was fully evacuated during the battle,” said Trixie. “But I suppose it was decent enough for your sake, as you could have gotten really hurt otherwise.”

“Gotten really hurt?” asked Sunset. “Wouldn’t the thing to worry about in regards to the bombs be them killing us?”

“Actually,” said Trixie, “weirdly enough, there has been a grand total of zero casualties in this war. If I weren’t so cynically hardened, I’d note that it’s almost as if it was a lame attempt to try to keep things ‘family friendly’ by not delving into the more horrific aspects of war.”

“Wait, if our lives aren’t in danger, why are we even hiding?”

“You can still get comically injured by the explosions,” said Trixie.

“This war is sounding a lot less dark than I originally thought,” said Gilda.

“Now that you mention it,” said Trixie, “it is actually surprisingly tame.”

“Well, I guess once this battle is over we’ll head back to the map thing that’s still here somehow and try to use the spell ourselves to return and fix up the timeline,” said Sunset. “I’m assuming that spell somehow rested on the map’s power in order to send us as far back as it did.”

“Sure,” said Gilda. “I suppose we can just wait here.”

“I know what to do in the meantime!” said Flim. “How about we talk about our feelings?”

“Oh joy,” muttered Sunset to herself.

Later…

“Wow,” said Trixie with her eyes open. “I never thought about it that way. My insistence on trying to stand out does tie back to some of the teasing about my last name I suffered when I was younger.”

“And my constant desire for riches and the unscrupulous acquiring thereof is a result of never receiving that train set for my birthday,” added Flam.

“And you lot babbling like this is the source of my current irritation,” said Sunset in an annoyed tone.

“I think that may actually come back to your childhood experience of–” started Trixie before getting interrupted.

“Don’t care!” said Sunset. “There haven’t been any explosions for a while. Let’s just go over to that map and see if we can use it to time travel!”

---

“Well, I guess the map was working properly,” said Gilda as the two stood next to it. “In fact, maybe the reason it’s still here is because that time travel insurance was purchased by someone.”

“I’m not going to try to puzzle out how any of this works anymore,” said Sunset. “Let’s just use the spell to go back a little earlier than Starlight did, stop her, and then hopefully things can get back to normal.”

Many years earlier…

Sunset and Gilda fell out of the portal onto Cloudsdale like before. “Okay, so now all we have to do is find Starlight–” started Sunset before getting interrupted yet again.

“Well, finding her will be easy!” announced Starlight as she suddenly sealed the two in some kind of magical prison box. “But stopping her’s gonna be harder than you think! Sorry to disappoint you, but I created that spell to send myself back in time. So even when you cast it, I still get sent back here. It wasn’t difficult to change Starswirl’s spell. He’d already done the hard part. But figuring out I could use the map to go to any time or place and pull you along with… hey! Are you listening to me?”

“Not really,” said Sunset. She turned to Gilda. “Is it cloud?”

“No, that would be too obvious,” said Gilda.

“How about–”

“Hey!” snapped Starlight. “I was talking!”

“It looked like you were going to ramble on for a while,” said Sunset. “So we decided to play ‘I spy’ to pass the time. Can you give us the abbreviated version?”

Starlight stared at her angrily.

“Well, in the meantime,” said Sunset, “is it Cloudsdale?”

“Again, too obvious!” said Gilda. “Think outside the box!” She poked the box-like prison the two were in. “Hrm, I wish I was interested enough to try to come up with some joke about that phrase and us being inside a box.”

“Fine!” said Starlight. “Have it your way! Thanks to the map, I modified it so that the spell sends myself back in time, so if you use it to send yourself, I come along! I knew you’d try to stop me, so I left the scroll so you would follow me and be forced to see me erase what linked you to your friends!”

Sunset and Gilda stared blankly. “Wait, link to friends? Huh?”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” asked Starlight. “The Sonic Rain-Boom was what caused your friends to get their cutie marks! Lightning Dust saw it and wanted to become a better flyer than whoever pulled it off! Flim and Flam–”

“You’re aware I don’t have a cutie mark, right?” said Gilda.

“I was getting to that,” said Starlight. “According to my research, your banishment from the griffon lands happened around the same time as the Rain-Boom. Is that a mere coincidence?”

“Actually,” said Gilda, “there was a weird flash in the sky that momentarily distracted me and caused me to get caught. So I wouldn’t have gotten banished and moved to Equestria if not for that? Remind me to punch Rainbow Dash next time I see her in retaliation.”

“Wait, you said that banishment happened a only few years ago,” said Sunset. “This is longer back than that was, isn’t it?”

“I may have slightly played down the length of my banishment when I said that,” said Gilda.

“See?” said Starlight. “All of you were connected by the Sonic Rain-Boom.”

“I wasn’t!” said Sunset.

“Are you sure that the Sonic Rain-Boom didn’t have some kind of important impact on your life?”

“Hrm,” said Sunset. “All I was doing was looking at this weird mirror and momentarily thought I saw some vision of myself as an alicorn in it. But then I realized it happened at the same time as that big batch of prismatic light in the sky and figured it must have been an illusion and lost interest. I can’t imagine it causing me to lose interest in a mirror would have had anything major to do with my life.”

“It could have!” said Starlight. “Even if it didn’t, 6 out of 7 isn’t bad!”

“Everypony getting their cutie marks on the same date seems awfully unlikely and convenient,” said Sunset.

“Not that unlikely,” said Gilda. “That Sonic Rain-Boom was responsible for a lot of cutie marks. I think that day had a record-setting number of cutie marks appearing.”

“Why do you know that?” asked Sunset.

“It was in a trivia pursuit game,” said Gilda with a shrug.

“I found all this out after some research,” said Starlight. “So your friends will lose your cutie mark bonds if not for this! Cutie marks for cutie marks and/or other things that majorly affected your life! Sounds like a fair trade to me!” She took the opportunity to fly off.

Sunset used her magic to destroy the prison they were on, but not before Starlight had gotten away. “Why didn’t you just do that earlier?” asked Gilda.

“Because if I had started, she would’ve just run away anyway,” said Sunset. “Besides, we already know where she’s going.”

The two returned to where the race was going to be held. “All right, now we just wait for it to start?” said Gilda.

“I guess,” said Sunset. “By the way, was it ‘crazy Starlight’?”

“No,” said Gilda, “the C was the start of a noun. You’re thinking too far outside the box.”

“Can you just tell me?”

“Nope!” said Gilda. “You have to figure it out.”

“I have no idea why this is irritating me so much,” muttered Sunset. “Well, maybe… wait. Is that Starlight over with some kids? Go!”

The two quickly scrambled over to where Starlight was. Starlight was talking to Fluttershy, Hoops, and Dumb-bell. “Just remember how you’d feel if somepony said those things to you,” finished Starlight.

“Wait, what’s going on?” asked Sunset.

“Oh, I was just reminding these two colts how hurtful teasing can be,” said Starlight.

“Yeah!” said Hoops. “Because we’re dumb and impressionable, we never thought to think of something like that until it was explicitly pointed out to us!”

“Um… good for you?” said Sunset uncertainly.

“That’s not how you handle children!” said Gilda. “You gotta show them tough love!” She turned to Fluttershy. “Hey, you wimp! Not everyone is just going to roll over because someone gives them a quick speech on being nice! You’d better shape up or else you’ll be the victim the rest of your life!”

“Wow,” said Fluttershy, “I never thought of it that way.” She paused in contemplation, then screamed, “GET OUT OF MY WAY!” at Gilda before walking off.

“I should charge for this,” said Gilda. “So when does that Sonic Rain-Boom happen?”

“Ha!” said Starlight. “Fluttershy getting picked on by those kids was the original impetus for it! So it won’t happen!”

“But the rest of our companions will still get the cutie marks even if not for the Rain-Boom,” said Sunset. “Perhaps under different circumstances, but they’ll still get them. I don’t think this plan is very well thought out.”

“Even worse, just talking to them like that seems a surprisingly lame way of stopping it,” said Gilda.

“Oh, I was just convincing them not to be bullies because everypony should be equal,” said Starlight. “Stopping the Rain-Boom was just a bonus!”

“Oh, so it’s not going to happen and we’ll get zapped back to the present?” asked Gilda.

“Yes, that is what I tried to explained earlier,” said Starlight.

“Well, if we’re going to go through all that again anyway, might as well use the opportunity to do all the crazy things I’ve always wanted to do but didn’t want to deal with the consequences of doing!” declared Gilda. She paused. “And I’m not even in a position to do any of it. Darn it. What do you suggest we do while we wait?”

“Oh, I’ll try again!” said Sunset. “Is it cumulonimbus?”

“No, Sunset, it is not anything that has to do with clouds!”

“Hrm,” mused Sunset to herself.

“You two are being irritatingly nonchalant,” said Starlight.

“Well, I guess as long as we’re here, I might as well–” started Sunset when the portal suddenly opened again. “Of course I get interrupted again.” Sunset sighed as she and Gilda got sucked in and deposited where the map was, which was in a forest this time.

“Okay,” said Gilda, “do your thing again and let’s give it another go.”

“Well, let’s–” started Sunset before she was interrupted by several spears pointing in her direction. “Really? Interrupted twice in a row?”

The aforementioned spears were held by various ponies with odd tribal-ish paint designs on them, two of them being Lightning Dust and Suri. “Silence, changeling!” declared Lightning Dust. “All servants of Queen Chrysalis found in these woods must be destroyed!”

“You know, I should feel scared,” said Gilda, “but instead all I can think about is that I’m pretty sure these painted-on symbols are probably culturally insensitive to someone.”

“I know!” said Suri, who happened to be one of the spear-wielding ponies but who was in the middle of them and thus not seen before this point. “I said that the body paint looks gauche and I believe it’s also bad for your pores. But did anypony listen to my expert advice?”

“Why did we even bring her along?” muttered Lightning Dust to herself.

“Would you believe us if we told you we were from an alternate timeline?” asked Sunset.

“I would believe you were crazy, certainly,” said Lightning Dust. “And possibly still a changeling anyway.”

“Stop!” came a voice. They turned and saw a Zebra standing in a tree. The question of how the Zebra got into the tree in the first place was ignored as she simply jumped down. “If they are changelings, we’ll soon see. But I think they’re not what they appear to be.”

“I’m confused, Zecora,” said Lightning Dust. “How wouldn’t they be what they appear to be if they’re not changelings?”

“Maybe that was necessary to make the rhyme work,” said Suri.

“Beneath this salve, no changeling hides,” started Zecora before pausing and frowning. “But in my other pocket I fear it hides.”

“Did you just rhyme a word with itself?” asked Gilda.

“When I constantly speak in rhyme, it is not easy to be perfect all the time!” snapped Zecora. “We’ll get some more back home, where the changelings do not yet roam.”

“You know, I suddenly wonder why we didn’t just use the salve before we started being all threatening,” said Suri as the group walked into the forest. “Is it just a short attention span?”

“Great,” muttered Sunset, “another whacky timeline. I wonder what’s going on in this one. Something to do with Chrysalis, apparently.”

“Silence, possibly-crazy possible-changelings!” declared Lightning Dust.

The group eventually reached a village of some kind in the forest. Zecora went into one of the huts and took out the salve. “Let us try this again, much like a repaired pen. Beneath this salve, no changeling hides, for it reveals the truth inside.” She threw it at Gilda and Sunset. Nothing happened.

“Oh, I guess they weren’t changelings after all,” said Lightning Dust. “Sorry!”

Gilda and Sunset shared a momentary confused look before Sunset said, “Uh, well, yes, not changelings. Can we go now? We sort of had something we were doing.”

Just then, an injured-looking Flim and Flam ran into the camp. “So, I have some good news and some bad news,” said Flim. “The bad news is that the changelings attacked Ponyville and are heading this way.”

“The good news,” added Flam, “is that thanks to the attack, most stores are holding a going-out-of-business sale and their prices are really cheap!”

“The only changeling attack that I see,” said Zecora, “is the one that came here… um… looking for me!” she finished awkwardly.

“Darn it,” said Flam as he turned into a changeling, “I knew that going-out-of-business part was going too far. Should have gone with the claim that everything was 10% off. Oh well. Attack!”

Several of the ponies in the village suddenly turned into changelings, and a a large horde of changelings suddenly invaded the village. Sunset and Gilda tried to use the opportunity to run off but got captured instead. After a long and bloody battle with zero casualties or serious injuries, the changelings were victorious and the various ponies were all captured.

“At least we won’t have to wear all this ugly paint anymore,” said Suri.

“How did they know exactly where our village was?” wondered Zecora. “Oh, right, I do know the reason it was because.” Zecora took a sudden leap towards the changeling guards, suddenly being engulfed in flame mid-jump. When she landed, she had turned into Chrysalis. “Surprise! I was Chrysalis all along!”

Everyone stared at her blankly.

“Honestly,” said Chrysalis, “I would have thought those terrible attempts at rhyming gave it away. But, as you might have surmised, I was able to do this to infiltrate the resistance, including totally giving you cream that supposedly revealed who a changeling was but actually didn’t. That’s how there were those changelings in this camp, if you were wondering.”

I guess this could work out, thought Sunset to herself. “And… um… I was a changeling also.” She transformed into a regular-looking changeling. “So… can I be let out?”

“Wait, why didn’t you join the fight on the side of the changelings, if you were actually one?” asked Chrysalis.

“I was trying to stay undercover in case the changelings lost?” said Sunset.

“That sounds like a perfectly plausible explanation,” said Chrysalis.

“Also, um…” said Sunset. “This griffon over here? She’s a changeling too.”

“Sure, just have her transform into one and show us,” said Chrysalis.

“Um… being watched makes her too nervous to transform,” said Sunset.

“Right!” said Gilda. “Stage fright and all that.”

“Sure, whatever,” said Chrysalis. “You two can go.”

Sunset and Chrysalis left the ponies to be with the rest of the changelings.

“Anyway!” said Chrysalis. “As I was saying before I got interrupted, my plan was a success and I was able to be the leader of the resistance!”

“But why were you, leader of the changelings, masquerading as the leader of the resistance?” asked Lightning Dust. “And more importantly, why didn’t you take the opportunity to defeat us well before this? You were leader for a while.”

“Well,” said Chrysalis, “I was waiting around until today. Because, you see, as April started today, I can finally say… APRIL FOOLS!”

The blank stares from before became even blanker.

“Yes, the entire invasion and subsequent taking over of Equestria was just one giant prank!” declared Chrysalis. “And oh boy, did you all fall for it! Aren’t I such a great actor?”

“But you razed entire cities to the ground!”

“I’m a method actor,” said Chrysalis with a shrug.

The stares somehow became blanker still.

“Oh, come on,” said Chrysalis. “One day you’ll look back at this and laugh. Although, there is something else I should add.”

“What?” asked Suri.

“I was just kidding around,” said Chrysalis. “This wasn’t a prank at all. AND NOW I RULE EQUESTRIA!” Chrysalis laughed maniacally.

“I guess that does make some more–”

“Actually,” said Chrysalis, “I was just messing with you when I said I was just kidding around about it being a prank. It really was a prank! I’m the prank master! Totally worth my approval rating plummeting to 5.7522204%!”

“Then–”

“Nope, I wasn’t being truthful there,” said Chrysalis. “I was just screwing with you when I said I was just messing with you when I said…”

“I don’t really care enough to find out whether it was a prank or not,” whispered Sunset to Gilda as Chrysalis continued. “Shall we make our exit?”

Sunset and Gilda slowly moved away from the group as Chrysalis kept talking, then suddenly broke into a run to get away.

“I have to say,” said Gilda, “full-on changeling looks good on you.”

Sunset transformed back into her regular self. “Oh, shut up. Let’s just get back to the past and try again to fix up the present.”

One spellcasting later…

Sunset and Gilda fell down onto Cloudsdale again. They quickly found where Starlight was and attempted to attack her, but her magical prowess was great enough that the battle was ultimately a stalemate.

“Well,” panted Sunset, “at least we’re stopping you from stopping the Sonic Rain-Boom.”

“Are you?” asked Starlight with a smirk as she gestured to a young Rainbow Dash watching the fight and eating popcorn.

“You know, you should go into your race,” said Sunset.

“No way. This is way more exciting!” declared Rainbow Dash.

“You’re making it really hard to not punch you in the face,” said Gilda.

“See?” said Starlight. “You can’t stop me no matter what I do! And, in fact, that portal should be opening up again right about… now.”

Sunset and Gilda once again got sucked into the portal and then spat out onto the map, which this time was floating in the air along with most other things. “Now what?” asked Sunset grumpily. “You know what? I just realized I don’t care. Let’s just go back and–”

“Wait a minute, Sunset,” said Gilda. “We didn’t have the power to beat Starlight. But, all I have to do is get one of my rocket launchers and that should give us the edge we need! Let’s go!”

“Gilda, what makes you think they even sell those in… whatever this weird present is. Why is everything floating?”

Gilda shrugged. “Maybe they just discovered a way to make things float. Let’s go!”

Gilda hopped off the map and got a better look at her surroundings. Not only were a lot of things floating in the air, some were upside down. An odd checkerboard-colored road led into Ponyville. “Wow, things look really weird. Even weirder than before. What is–”

Gilda was cut off by the two seeing a robe-and-crown-wearing Discord making two mares that looked suspiciously similar to Luna and Celestia run around while wearing clown outfits.

“Hey, it’s Discord!” said Gilda. “Maybe he’ll do it. Hey, Discord!”

Discord stopped what he was doing and suddenly teleported in front of the two. “Yes?”

“You don’t happen to have any rocket launchers around, do you?”

“Not since I took over, no,” said Discord. “Who are you, anyway?”

“Oh, we’re from an alternate timeline where you didn’t take over,” said Gilda. She paused. “And now that I say that out loud, I realize that maybe I shouldn’t have.”

“So,” said Discord, “are you saying that if you leave this timeline, you would cause the timeline where I rule Equestria not to happen?”

Quickly realizing that Discord deciding to stop the two from returning could cause problems, Sunset started to fire up the time travel spell, but was interrupted by Discord’s next remark.

“Do it!” exclaimed Discord as he grabbed Gilda. “You have to do it! I’m going completely crazy here!”

Confused, Sunset momentarily stopped the spell. “Wait, you don’t like being ruler of Equestria?”

“No!” said Discord. “Well, I guess being ruler might not necessarily be that bad in and of itself, but I made everything chaotic in the process!

“You don’t like everything being chaotic?”

“I thought I would, but I didn’t!” said Discord as he threw his hands up in frustration. “It makes everything boring! It means that being chaotic is normal! I don’t want to be normal! It’s driving me cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!” Discord pulled out a bowl of cereal and added, “Part of a balanced breakfast!”

Sunset and Gilda stared at Discord. “Huh?” asked Sunset.

“Exactly!” said Discord as he threw away the bowl of cereal, which turned into a sock and exploded. “That’s the reaction I should get! But no, now everyone just accepts it when I do crazy stuff like that! I need a straight man around to play off of!” He pushed the two towards the map. “So go! Fix things! Shoo! I’ll throw my voice out if I use any more exclamation marks in this dialogue!”

“Can I get my rocket launcher before I go?” asked Gilda.

“Rocket launcher?” said Discord. “Sure.” He snapped his fingers and one appeared. “There. Now get going!”

Gilda grabbed the rocket launcher, then Sunset re-cast the spell and the two entered the portal. Yet again, they emerged in Cloudsdale.

“Okay, now let’s see if we can take down Starlight,” said Gilda.

The two quickly found her again, and Sunset and Starlight started fighting with magic.

Gilda held up her rocket launcher. “Perfect! Just have to hit her at the right time and that’ll be it.” Gilda waited patiently for the right opportunity, then fired. However, instead of a rocket, all that emerged was a stick with the word “BANG” on it. Gilda stared at it in disbelief. “Again? Seriously? Last time I ask Discord for anything.” She threw the rocket launcher away in frustration. It knocked a nearby Rainbow Dash on the head and sent her plummeting to the ground. “Oops,” said Gilda.

“Ha!” said Starlight. “I knew you would fail again, but I didn’t expect you to mess things up this badly! And so–”

Suddenly, a large explosion of prismatic light was seen. “Wait, what?” asked Starlight in disbelief.

“Hrm,” said Sunset, “perhaps Rainbow Dash woke up in freefall and performed it in desperation.”

“Ha!” said Gilda. “We totally won! The Rain-Boom was performed! I bet we’ll return to the present any moment now!”

Several moments passed.

“Any moment now,” said Gilda.

Several moments later, the portal appeared, and Sunset and Gilda were sucked back through it and deposited on top of the map. This time, the map was in the castle and was surrounded by the usual chairs. “Well, things look normal,” said Sunset.

“Huh,” said Gilda. “The symbols on the chairs are different. That one has jewels on it, that one has butterflies on it, that one has apples on it, that one has balloons, that one–“

“I can see perfectly fine!” snapped Sunset. “You don’t have to describe it!”

“Well, obviously something is different,” said Gilda. “Let’s take a look outside.”

The two went outside to find Ponyville looking fairly normal. “I can see a few minor differences, but otherwise things seem like they were,” said Sunset. “It looks like we didn’t get the regular future, but at least something close to it.”

“Let’s just find some newspapers or a library so we can try to figure out what’s different,” said Gilda.

Some research later…

“Huh,” said Gilda as she read the newspaper. “So they beat Tirek with something colloquially known as ‘Rainbow Power’ rather than that scheme we did? Sounds a lot less interesting.”

“I’m more weirded out by the fact Sombra got banished about a thousand years ago by Celestia and Luna,” said Sunset as she read another. “We only went back so far as the Sonic Rain-Boom. How did that make the past before us change? Same question applies to other things, like how the Elements of Irony are only known as the Elements of Harmony.”

“Maybe it’s all a coverup by the government!” said Gilda. “They’ve taken control of the newspapers and are fooling the population!” She paused. “Or maybe the new timeline caused it so that someone in the future ended up traveling back farther than we did and changed the more distant past.”

“By the way, do you have any idea who Pinkie Pie is?” asked Sunset. “I recognize the other names of the ones who got the Elements of Harmony in this universe, like Twilight and Rainbow Dash, but I don’t recall any Pinkie Pie.”

“Isn’t she a member of that musical duo that Trixie is a fan of? That one that does all those song parodies?”

“Hrm, maybe,” said Sunset. “Speaking of Trixie, it seems really weird that she was the one who came to Ponyville as a visitor during the ursa major thing rather than Twilight.”

“No, what’s weird is I can’t find much of anything about you in this timeline,” said Gilda. “It’s like you disappeared. At least there’s a few references to me.”

“Well,” said Sunset, “I guess we might as well stick with this timeline. It seems reasonable enough. Sure, there’s some things that are worse, like how Sombra and Chrysalis are apparently outright evil, but on the whole it seems possibly better than our own timeline. Though we’ll want to try to be a bit incognito to not meet our alternate selves and cause confusion.”

And thus, canon occurred.

The End

Comments

[Voltaje]

Ha, everybody knew that this would happen, a timeline where its cannon now, I realized it the first time starlight appear, thought I thought I would be a little bit earlier, but ah well, now let see how thins goes :); it's either that or this is an April fools chapter, or the part where is completed is, or the part where cannon is, or the entire chapter is, whatever ¬¬

[Kichi]

April fool day was yesterday... Please fix the complete to incomplete or tell us when is the sequel coming.

[Razzy]

I hope this is a joke episode, Trollsalis was too awesome to disappear.

[F14m3rz]

“Hrmmmmmmm,” said Gilda ponderously as she watched the two walk off. “Ragmill Mightrest…”

R a g m i l l M i g h t r e s t
s t a r l i g h t g l i m M e R

“Ragmill Mightrest is just an anagram for Starlight Glimmer,” said Gilda. “Watch!” Gilda pulled off Ragmill’s hood, revealing a pony that looked nothing at all like Starlight Glimmer, who promptly sneezed on Gilda.

Oh... guess I color-coded that for nothing... oh well!

“It was between the words ‘deliberately’ and ‘chose’ that she came in,” said Gilda.

*'choose'

“Well,” said Sunset, “I guess we might as well stick with this timeline. It seems reasonable enough. Sure, there’s some things that are worse, like how Sombra and Chrysalis are apparently outright evil, but on the whole it seems possibly better than our own timeline. Though we’ll want to try to be a bit incognito to not meet our alternate selves and cause confusion.”
And thus, canon occurred.
The End

... No. This can't be the end. It can't, it just ca- oh, right, April Fools. Well, I'll see you next time.

[LegacyMine]

Is this a joke, or should I stop watching this story?

[LegacyMine]

7868415 Everyone is freaking our over whether this is some April Fools joke or not. You don't suppose you could let us know the answer?