Two Plus One's A Crowd
Lightning Dust’s sentence that wasn’t important enough to be transcribed in this paragraph was interrupted by a knock on the door. She went to open it, but a blast of magical energy suddenly took down the door and sent it straight into her. “Ow,” she muttered.
“So, did I interrupt something?” asked Sunset on the other side of the now-missing door.
“Kind of,” said Lightning Dust.
“Ha!” said Sunset. “Finally I get to interrupt somepony rather than the other way around!”
“Did you have to destroy the door?” muttered Lightning Dust as she pushed it away.
“You’ve done it to my house enough times,” said Sunset.
“Hey!” said Lightning Dust. “I haven’t done that in at least eight weeks!”
“Whatever,” said Sunset. “Anyway, it looks like Chrysalis wants us all again, so I have to go get you and the others together for that.”
“I don’t know,” said Lightning Dust. “See, I kind of–”
Lightning Dust got interrupted by being knocked out by a blast of magic from Sunset. “Wow, it feels good to be interrupting somepony else for a change.”
One scene change later…
“Hi everypony!” said Chrysalis cheerfully.
“Hello Chrysalis,” said the group unenthusiastically.
“Oh, come on, show some enthusiasm! For all you know I’m here to give you some kind of gift or something rather than a task to complete!”
“Are you?” asked Suri.
“No,” said Chrysalis, “I’ve got a task for you to complete.”
“Then why did you even–”
“Anyway!” interrupted Chrysalis. “Before we get to that, it’s time for you to answer a very important question for me! Would it matter if I was a changeling?”
There was an awkward pause. “Uh, you know you are a changeling, right?” asked Sunset.
“Well, of course,” said Chrysalis. “But would it matter if I was?”
An even more awkward pause ensued. “Oh, fine,” said Chrysalis grumpily. “I guess it is hard to answer a hypothetical about an actual situation. Here’s an actual hypothetical. Would it matter if I wasn’t a changeling?” This question was followed by a pause less awkward than the second but more awkward than the first. “I spent all this time coming up with all of these great counterarguments for any potential answers you could give! You could at least try!”
“You’re not going to let us leave until we engage with this, are you?” asked Flam.
“Nope!” said Chrysalis.
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Okay, then. The answer is yes, it matters.”
“And why?” asked Chrysalis.
“Because if you weren’t a changeling you wouldn’t have been able to pull off that whole plan to mimic Cadance and feed off of Shining Armor’s love or whatever, so you wouldn’t be ruler of Equestria right now, and thus I wouldn’t be a unicorn/changeling hybrid. These are rather significant changes, at least from my perspective!” said Sunset. “Also, you wouldn’t be here right now asking us this question.”
“But what if I were able to just disguise myself really well, train myself to be powerful, and some other changeling took control and sent me to tell you this?” asked Chrysalis. “Then none of that would change. So that doesn’t mean it matters. Point for me!”
“No one cares!” said Sunset. “It doesn’t matter if it matters!”
Chrysalis appeared taken aback. “Huh. Wow. I actually didn’t prepare for that one.”
“Can we just get onto the task already?” asked Gilda.
“Oh, right,” said Chrysalis. “The task. The task for you. The task chosen especially for you to do, your task. That task?”
Life is pain, thought Sunset to herself. “Yes, that task!” she said out loud.
“Your mission, which you will of course accept, will be to deal with Discord while he’s sick, because I sure as heck don’t want to.”
“And why do we get stuck with it?” asked Sunset.
“Because you guys for whatever reason seem reasonably capable of dealing with things like that,” said Chrysalis. “That, plus it’s funny. At least to me.”
Several guards wheeled in a carriage containing a sick-looking, blue-colored Discord. He sneezed, covering everyone but Chrysalis in goo.
“Don’t worry; it’s not contagious to ponies. Anyway, have fun!” said Chrysalis as she quickly left.
Sunset sighed as she and the others tried to wipe the goo off. “Well, I guess we’re stuck with it. Who’s going to try to work on dealing with this guy?”
“Not it!” said Flim and Flam.
“Not it!” said Suri.
“Not it!” said Lightning Dust.
“Not it!” said Trixie.
“Not it!” said Discord. Everyone turned to stare at him. “What? I’m not going to take care of myself while sick. That’s your job! Anyway, the time limit for ‘Not it!’ has clearly elapsed by this point, so it looks like I get to hang out with Gilda and Sunset. Woohoo!”
Sunset sighed and rolled her eyes. “This is going to be a headache.”
”My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Ahh ahh ahh ahh–”
“Trixie, what are you doing?” asked Sunset.
“I don’t know!” said Trixie. “It just happens sometimes!”
Discord sneezed again, though this time the group was able to jump out of the way just in time to avoid getting covered by anything. “You know, this is the kind of gross-out humor we try to avoid in Mare Do Well,” muttered Trixie.
“What about the time she went up against Mucus Man the Mighty?” asked Lightning Dust.
“Exception that proves the rule!”
“That expression does not make that much sense when you think about it,” said Flam. “Wouldn’t any exception disprove a rule?”
“Hey!” said Discord. “You’re supposed to be taking care of me, not standing around having conversations with each other.”
“Or at least Sunset and Gilda are!” said Flim as he and the others took the opportunity to run off.
“Ugh, fine!” said Sunset. “You said you wanted us to take care of you. What do you want us to do?”
“I’m glad you asked!” said Discord as music suddenly swelled despite there being no orchestra in sight at the site.
“Oh no,” said Sunset in despair.
”A little glass of water–”
“Here you go,” said Gilda as she handed Discord a glass of water. The music abruptly stopped.
“Wait, huh?” said Discord in disbelief.
“You asked for a glass of water, so I got you a glass of water.”
“How in the world did you get a glass of water before I even finished the line?”
“Mostly the water fountain that’s right here,” said Gilda as she pointed to the aforementioned water fountain.
“Well, that was great!” said Discord. “But there’s something else…”
“Here we go again,” muttered Sunset.
”A fresh pressed hanky if I–”
“Got it!” said Gilda, giving Discord a handkerchief and causing the music to abruptly stop again.
“I… you… huh?” asked Discord.
“What? You don’t carry around handkerchiefs? Those things are useful.”
“Stop ruining my musical number!” said Discord grouchily. He then sneezed again on the two.
“Why did you ask for the handkerchief if you weren’t going to use it?” asked Gilda.
“Oh, this one is just for an emergency. You two are serving great as handkerchiefs.”
“Okay, is there any kind of cure for this?” asked Sunset as she cleaned the liquid off of herself again.
“Oh, there is one way!” said Discord. “On a hill at the very edge of Equestria, there grows an exquisite magic flower. Pick the flower as it drops its petals at sunset. Then you can make a magical soothing elixir to cure the blue flu.”
“And is there any reason you didn’t simply get it when you realized you were sick?”
“I can’t travel far in my condition,” said Discord. “After all, I was brought here; I didn’t actually travel here myself.”
“And is there any reason why Chrysalis didn’t get it or send someone to get it when you were sick?”
“You know it’s Chrysalis you’re talking about, right?” asked Discord.
Sunset sighed. “Fair point. And is there any reason why you didn’t tell us beforehand?”
“You didn’t ask,” said Discord.
“He’s got a point,” said Gilda. “You didn’t ask.”
Sunset growled. “Fine. We’ll go get this stupid flower. Where is it?”
“Hrm, the route is a bit complicated,” said Discord. “I’ll tell you along the way.”
“You said you were too weak to travel,” said Sunset.
“Well, duh,” said Discord. “You guys are going to pull this carriage thing I’m on.”
“That sounds awfully slow,” said Sunset.
“Well, again, duh,” said Discord. “That’s why you’ll carry it in the air by flying.”
“I can’t fly!” said Sunset.
“Yes you can,” said Gilda. “Changeling, remember?”
“No,” said Sunset. “No no no no no. I’m not doing that. I look ridiculous. If we have to do that to get the flower, then we’re just going to have to stay here and deal with Discord.”
Discord sneezed again, yet again covering them with goo. “Bleh!” said Sunset. “I think this is stickier than the previous time!”
“Okay,” said Gilda. “I don’t care how ridiculous you think you look. You are going to switch to changeling form so we can pull Discord over there, so he’ll be Chrysalis’s problem again.”
Sunset grumbled a little but finally nodded. “Fine. But you have to promise not to laugh at how ridiculous I look.”
“Fine, I promise! Now just do it!”
“Do you cross your heart and hope to–”
“Just do it!”
Sunset was suddenly wreathed in fire. When it dissipated, her changeling self was revealed. Gilda took one look and fell over laughing.
“Thanks,” said Sunset through clenched teeth. “I can see how well you keep your promises.”
“Huh?” said Gilda after she managed to stop laughing. “No, I wasn’t laughing at how you looked, I was laughing at how you kept going on about how ridiculous you supposedly looked, and you actually look okay. I mean, I was expecting you’d have a rubber nose or something silly like that considering what you went on about.”
Sunset looked at herself. “You really think I look okay?”
“It’s just you, only your horn looks a little weirder, you’ve got the wings, and you’ve got the leg-holes. I can see why you wouldn’t want to normally look like that, but it’s not so odd that if there’s a reason to do it, such as flying, that you shouldn’t.”
“Are you saying that because you want me to help you fly Discord over there?”
“Partially,” admitted Gilda.
“Look, the sooner we get this darn flower, the sooner–” Sunset found herself interrupted by another Discord sneeze. “The sooner we can be rid of this headache,” she finished.
“Hey!” said Discord. “I object to being called a headache! I’m think ‘migraine’ is a far more applicable term.”
“The word ‘headache’ is becoming annoyingly literal,” muttered Sunset to herself.
And so they flew off. Discord used the opportunity to tell a story where the moral was ‘I hate sauerkraut.’ The story was so long and rambling that by the time they arrived, Sunset and Gilda found themselves not hating sauerkraut, but hating the fact that Discord hated sauerkraut.
“Here we are at the edge of Equestria!” declared Discord as they landed.
“I know, Discord,” muttered Sunset as she transformed herself back into a unicorn.
“Well, yeah,” said Discord, “but Trixie’s cut down on that, so it’s up to me to make sure that everyone is still appraised of the situation.”
“Let’s just get the stupid flower and get out of here,” said Gilda.
“Nuh-uh!” said Discord. “Remember when I said that you have to pick up the flower as it drops it petals at sunset? It isn’t sunset yet!”
“Well, we’ll find the flower, and then wait until sunset!” said Sunset.
Discord suddenly fell over laughing.
“What is it?” growled Sunset.
“Oh, I just realized, we’re talking about sunset the time of day, and your name is Sunset! Isn’t that hilarious?”
There was a pause. “No,” said Sunset bluntly.
“Well, you have no sense of humor,” muttered Discord before sneezing on them again.
“Yeah, this is way worse than the time Mare Do Well fought Mucus Man the Mighty,” said Gilda as she cleared the goo off herself yet again. “And that was already my least favorite issue.”
“You read those things?” asked Sunset.
“Now and then… here and there…” said Gilda sheepishly.
“Aren’t you way too old for those?”
“Hey!” said Gilda. “I’ll have you know that it’s surprisingly popular among the older demographic!”
“Are you going to go get that flower, or am I going to have to sneeze on you again?” asked Discord.
“You just said to wait!”
“I changed my mind. Up and at them!” Discord paused. “If I were at full power I’d suddenly be dressed as a general and have one of those cool pointer things you use to point to things on a blackboard, but I’m too weak to do that, so just imagine it. Anyway, as I’ve established, I’m too weak, so you’ll have to go yourself.”
Sunset and Gilda both sighed but walked along the path, eventually finding a gigantic flower.
“Huh,” said Sunset, “how did we not notice the flower was so big from a distance?”
“Okay, so I guess we have to wait until sunset,” said Gilda. “You didn’t happen to bring any games to pass the time, did you?”
“Uh, no,” said Sunset.
Gilda frowned. “This is probably going to be boring, then.”
Just then, a giant monster popped up from the ground. “Scratch that,” said Gilda wearily.
“Gyah!” said Sunset. “It’s a tatsel… tatzul… tutzil… giant worm monster! Uh… got any ideas?”
Gilda pulled out a rocket launcher. “Darn it, I’m running out of these,” she muttered as she pointed it at the difficult-to-pronounce Tatzlwurm. “Distract it so I can get a clear shot!’
“A clear shot? Look at the size of that thing? How could you miss?”
“I have to hit the right part of it, if memory serves right. So get to distracting already!”
Sunset sighed but tried zapping the Tatzlwurm, which had been for some reason waiting patiently for them to finish the conversation before attacking, with some magic. This caused it to start chasing after her in a sequence that would probably be well accompanied by Scooby Doo chase music or Yakety Sax. “Anytime, Gilda!” she shouted desperately.
Gilda aimed her rocket launcher at the Tatzlwurm and fired, which made the creature get knocked back.
“Did that at least hurt it enough it won’t bother us?” asked Sunset.
The Tatzlwurm got up. “I say,” it said, “that really rather hurt. Deary me, and here I was having so much fun attacking. But I suppose that fortune did not smile upon me presently, and thus my potential victims will achieve clemency due to my injury. It’s back to the underground abode in order to nurse my wounds a bit.” After this, it dug into the ground and disappeared.
“I… it… what?” stammered Sunset.
“Don’t question it. Can we get the petal now?” asked Gilda.
“I thought it didn’t fall until sunset.”
“I assume that’s the case normally, but all the ruckus made one of the petals drop. Might as well grab it and see if it works for Discord.”
Sunset and Gilda grabbed the rather large petal and brought it over to Discord. “By the way,” said Sunset, “you could have helped.”
“But I’m too weak to do so,” said Discord.
“Well, fine. Just take the petal and be cured.”
“Oh,” said Discord, “I wasn’t sick in the first place. This was all a test!”
Sunset stared for a few seconds before finally speaking. “What.”
“Oh, well, I wanted to see if you valued our friendship enough to bring me all the way over here to help out, and possibly face any danger along the way.”
“But you just said you didn’t help because you were sick!”
“Did I, Sunset? Did I?” asked Discord.
Sunset felt like she was about to explode. “Yes!”
“Huh, you’ve got a point there,” said Discord.
“So you put us through all that as a test? I nearly got eaten! And got sneezed on repeatedly!”
“And I had to use up a rocket launcher!” complained Gilda. “Those things cost a lot!”
“Should have conserved ammunition and used a rifle instead,” said Discord. “So, how about you get me a glass of water?”
Sunset finally did explode, figuratively at least. “No! You’re the most aggravating being I’ve ever met! Get it yourself! I don’t care how annoyed Chrysalis is about me giving up dealing with you, it can’t possibly be any worse than continuing to deal with you!”
“I’m finding myself in agreement with Sunset for once,” said Gilda.
“So, wait, you’re giving up?” asked Discord.
“Again, yes!”
“Bingo!” said Discord as he snapped his fingers and Chrysalis appeared.
Chrysalis sighed. “Really, Sunset? You couldn’t hold out for just a few more minutes?”
“Why would that matter?” asked Sunset.
“Oh, Discord and I just had a little bet going on how long it would be until you gave up dealing with him. You lasted long enough so that it was the interim stage where he didn’t win but not long enough that I won, so it ended up being a tie. Darn it.”
“This whole thing was a bet to see if Discord could be obnoxious enough for us to give up?” asked an astounded Gilda.
“Yep!” Chrysalis appeared pleased with herself. “But seriously, just a few more minutes and I would’ve actually gotten something. You two need to be able to put up with him more.”
“Why? Would you have given us something if we did?”
“Nope!” said Chrysalis.
“That’s it. I’m done. Let’s go,” snapped Sunset as she was wreathed in fire to get the wings back prior to her and Gilda flying off.
“Well, that was fun,” said Chrysalis. “We should do this again sometime.”
Just then, the Tatzlwurm appeared out of the ground and sneezed on the two, covering them with goo. “Oh, I say,” it said, “dreadfully sorry about that. I’ve gotten a bit of a sickness, and I didn’t want to mess up my interior decorations, so I exited in order to sneeze. Then again, I’m not sure what I’m sorry for, considering I’m a malevolent monstrosity that doesn’t care about anyone else, but I suppose one might as well be polite to their prey, or at least the beings that would be my prey if I weren’t feeling considerably under the weather due to my illness and rather wounded from that mechanism that the avian utilized.” It then vanished back into the ground.
“Bleh,” said Chrysalis. “Disgusting.” She was then covered by even more goo thanks to a Discord sneeze. “You don’t have to pretend to be sick anymore!”
“I’m not pretending!” said Discord. “I think I caught whatever that thing had.” He sneezed again.
“Well stop sneezing and just get us out of here!” said Chrysalis angrily.
Discord responded by snapping his fingers. In response, a significant number of bananas fell onto the two of them.
“Uh, sorry, but it looks like now that I’m sick, my powers don’t work right,” said Discord after they managed to get out from under all the bananas. “I’ll just have to wait until I get over it.”
“Well I’m not sticking around, so I’m out of here!” said Chrysalis. She tried to fly off, but then promptly fell onto the ground, then sneezed. “Great. Now I’ve gotten it too. And Sunset and Gilda already flew off, so they can’t help.”
“Which was your fault, by the way,” said Discord. “You should’ve acted nicer so they didn’t immediately leave.”
“My fault? You were the one that got them so angry in the first place to the point that they did leave after I showed up!”
“Well, you were the one that–”
A short while away…
“Well, I can’t see them anymore,” said Gilda as she and Sunset continued flying away, “but it looked like the giant monster thing sneezed on the two of them. That’s bad for them, right?”
“It was weirdly colored blue, so it likely had the ‘blue flu’ which is different than the disease Discord was faking. It’s a rather incapacitating disease, so they’ll be largely powerless while suffering from it. It generally takes at least a week to get cured, and could possibly take several.”
“So, for at least a week, maybe even longer, they’re completely alone except for each other, sick, and also without their powers?” asked Gilda. “Sounds like they’ll be miserable.”
“I assume so,” said Sunset. “You know what, Gilda?”
“What?”
“I feel good about how today went.”
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I'm kind of curious what the prize was... and what those two are going to do to each other while they're stuck together.
I am absolutely loving whenever Sunset and Gilda interact! Too bad Discord kept on interrupting them...
For some reason, I can't help but hear DJ Pon-3 when reading Gilda's dialogue.
Chryssie has much too much free time. But she's still best pony big thing hybrid.
Cya
Raziel-chan
There is no Faust, there is only Gilda.
Actually, if you think about it, an exception that proves a rule proves the basis for the rule, not the rule itself. Therefore, the expression still makes sense.
I think that you meant I think. Of course, seeing as how it's Discord, you could make an argument about meaning I'm
Way too old for comics? I mean, there's Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash...I forgot where I was going with this other than the whole being confused as to why someone would be too old for comics.