My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd

by Lord Seth

Bottled Up Trouble

“Oh boy!” said Gilda as she looked at the map. “Another opportunity to make some money brought to us by the Tree of Whatever!”

“You know, I’ve been wondering about these missions,” said Lightning Dust. “Is there really any need? A lot of us have decent cash already.”

“Nonsense!” said Suri. “You can never have too much money.”

“What about the possibility that you get buried in so much money you can’t dig your way out and suffocate to death?” said Trixie. “That seems like too much.”

“That’s just money being nearby, not actually having it,” said Suri.

“Wait, what exactly is the definition of ‘having’ money, then?” said Lightning Dust.

“Can you all stop debating stupid things like that and just figure out where you’re supposed to go?” asked Sunset.

“You’re just jealous because your cutie mark didn’t show up, so you don’t get to go,” said Trixie.

“Neither did yours!” said Sunset.

“That’s entirely besides the point,” said Trixie.

Gilda looked more closely at the map. “So, it looks like this is in some place called… Flutter Valley? Never heard of it.”

“Wait, if you never heard of it, how did you know where it was?” asked Flam.

“It says Flutter Valley in small print over the area,” said Gilda.

Flam took a look. “Wait, it does. How did that happen? It didn’t do that before.”

“I just read the instructions booklet,” said Gilda. “It’s an option you can turn on.”

“I didn’t see that when I read through the instructions,” said Sunset.

“Oh, that was the first edition,” explained Gilda. “I only just got the second edition.”

“Where did you get a second edition?”

“It was in the freezer,” said Gilda.

“Wasn’t that where the first one was?” said Lightning Dust. “Why didn’t we see it?”

“Oh, no, the other freezer,” said Gilda.

“Whatever!” said Sunset. “You know where it is. Why don’t you all just go off and do whatever it is you’re supposed to do?”

“That sounds like a great idea!” declared Lightning Dust.

Everyone except Trixie and Sunset soon departed. “So!” said Trixie. “It’s just you and me! Now seems like a great time to give you a gift!”

Sunset was taken aback. “Wait, what? A gift? This isn’t one of those gag gift things, is it?”

“No, it’s an incredibly useful one, particularly for you!” said Trixie. There was a pause. “Uh, hang on. I left it at home. I’ll be right back.”

Sometime later…

“I’m back!” said Trixie.

“What took you so long?” asked Sunset.

“You don’t want to know,” sighed Trixie.

“Really?” said Sunset.

“Given the frequency with which you ask questions you end up regretting, do you really want to still know?” said Trixie.

“You raise a good point,” said Sunset. “All right. What’s this present?”

Trixie produced a bottle. “Here you go! It’s called ‘All Bottled Up’ and it allows you to channel any anger or frustration you’re feeling into it in order to remain calm and pleasant!”

Sunset look the bottle. “That’s… actually something that might be incredibly useful.”

“I know, right?” said Trixie. “I knew you’d like it! That’s why I charged it to your bank account!”

“Wait, what?” asked Sunset as the bottle filled up slightly.

“I mean, it’s a present for you, doesn’t it make sense you should pay for it?”

“That’s not how presents work!”

“Isn’t it, Sunset, isn’t it?” said Trixie.

Sunset stared briefly, then said “No!” The bottle continued filling up.

“Oh,” said Trixie. “Then you might be a little upset when you look at your statement at the end of the month. I kind of used your money to buy a bunch of stuff for myself, because I thought you’d naturally repay my kindness by buying me some presents.”

At this point, the bottle was about 1/2 full. Or, for the pessimist, 1/2 empty, though the point became moot as it filled up some more. “How much of my money did you use?”

“Well, I think one of the checks bounced, so probably a lot,” said Trixie.

“All right,” said Sunset in an extremely irritated voice, “you are going to pay me back for all of that.”

“Yeah… about that…” said Trixie. “I can’t do that. I sort of made some poor investments, so my money is low. But I can pay you back with Mare Do Well issues!”

“How the heck can you not have enough money? You’re co-owner in the most popular comic book series on the planet!”

“Really poor investments,” said Trixie. “I had to sell some of your stuff to help pay off the debts. You don’t mind, right?”

At this point, the bottle became filled to its top and started shaking. “Uh-oh,” said Trixie as she grabbed it and threw it out the window, whereupon it exploded shortly after reaching the outside. “Well, that was a bust. Guess it failed the test.”

“Test?” asked Sunset, having some of her rage be replaced with confusion.

“Oh, I was just making stuff up to try to make you angry and see how it would handle it,” said Trixie. “But I guess it had shoddy construction. That, or your cynicism and anger is even worse than I thought. Maybe a little here, a little there.”

“Oh, so you didn’t take any of my money?” said Sunset in an increasingly calm tone.

“Not anytime recently!” said Trixie.

“Wait, what do you mean by–” started Sunset, but she was interrupted by a loud commotion outside. “What’s that?”

“I think there was a convention of some kind today,” said Trixie. “Anyway, let me see if I can get a refund on that. Maybe it’s under warranty. Maybe there’s information in this booklet about it.” She read through a book. “Nothing about warranty here… uh-oh.”

Sunset sighed. “This is going to be painful, isn’t it?”

“Maybe,” said Trixie. “It says ‘WARNING: If bottle is about to overflow, stop usage immediately and move it away from others, as it exploding could infect those nearby with extreme anger.”

Just then, the door was knocked down and some very angry-looking ponies entered.

“Trixie?” said Sunset.

“Yes?”

“You don’t happen to have another one of those bottles, do you? I really need an outlet for my anger right now.”

---

“So what do you know about Flutter Valley anyway?” asked Lightning Dust as the group got off the train and started walking.

“You didn’t look it up before we left?” said Gilda.

“It’ll probably be a boring trip, so I figured I might as well use it as an opportunity to talk along the way!” said Lightning Dust. “Plus, doing that sort of research sounded really boring.”

“I’ll admit,” said Suri, “I kind of skipped out on any of that. I figured you’d do it for us.”

Gilda sighed. “As usual, I’m the only responsible one here. Flutter Valley is the home of the flutter ponies, which are basically pegasi except their wings are translucent.”

“Huh,” said Lightning Dust, “never heard of them.”

“Supposedly they tend to keep to themselves,” said Gilda.

“So what kind of way do you think there’d be to make money here?” said Flim. “It’s out in the middle of nowhere and they don’t seem to have much contact with the rest of the world.”

“Maybe it’ll be gold like at Our Town!” said Suri.

“You mean Ponyville?” said Flam in confusion.

“No, that town that Starlight was in charge of,” said Suri. “Which really needs a new name, honestly, to avoid confusion. I suggested Nowheresville last time we were there, but that was shot down.”

“So how long until we get there?” said Lightning Dust.

“It’s out in the middle of nowhere; it’s a bit of a walk,” said Gilda.

“Sounds boring,” said Lightning Dust. “See you there!” She took off at a fast speed.

“Does she even know where it is?” asked Suri.

“Probably not,” said Gilda. “How long do you think it’ll take her to figure that–”

Lightning Dust suddenly zoomed back to the group. “Uh, I realized I didn’t know exactly where it was. Can I see the map?”

Gilda offered the map to Lightning Dust, who glanced at it, then promptly took off again.

“Ugh, yet another walk,” said Gilda. “Maybe I should train more so I could get there faster by flying.”

To pass the time due to the walk, they talked of many things, like shoes, ships, sealing wax, cabbages, kings, why the sea is boiling hot, and whether the preceding assumption that the sea was boiling hot was correct to begin with, as some parts of the sea are actually quite cold. By the time they arrived, they had all gotten on each others’ nerves enough with the discussion that they had stopped.

“You guys took a while,” said Lightning Dust.

“Well, did you find anything while we were on our way here?” said Gilda.

“Actually, no,” said Lightning Dust. “I was busy thinking about whether pigs have wings.”

Gilda gave Lightning Dust a look of confusion but declined to press further. “Well, we’re here. Now let’s see where we can get some money! Maybe the flutter ponies know.”

And so the group went off to find the flutter ponies, which didn’t take long at all. As Gilda had observed about 20 paragraphs ago, they were essentially pegasi except with translucent wings.

“Hi!” said Flim. “I know this is going to sound like a weird question, but is there any way to make money here?”

The various flutter ponies glanced at each other briefly. “Actually, we don’t bother with money here,” said one.

Flim and Flam briefly considered this idea, then fainted.

“Sorry about them,” said Gilda. “Anyway, we got sent here by a mystical tree on some kind of unclear mission.”

“That makes sense,” declared one of the other ponies. “That’s usually why we get visitors.”

The groups introduced each other. “So, what do you do most of the time around here?” asked Suri after the introductions had completed.

“Live cheerfully!” declared one of the flutter ponies.

“Well, while you do that, can we take a look around?” said Flam.

“Sure!”

And so a look around was had. Said look around ultimately revealed nothing.

“I don’t know about you guys,” said Flim, “but I’m stumped. Unless there’s gold hidden someplace underground, I’m not seeing where the money is supposed to be.”

“Maybe whatever we’re supposed to to do get some extra money just hasn’t happened yet,” said Lightning Dust.

“Well, then how long are we supposed to just hang around here?” said Gilda. “There’s plenty of things I could be doing right now!”

“Like what?” asked Lightning Dust.

There was a brief pause. “You know… things,” said Gilda.

“Ugh, let’s just go back and talk to the flutter ponies one more time,” said Suri. “Maybe they’ve thought of something. And if not, maybe we should head home. I have things to do, like getting more outfits ready.”

“She can clearly name something she could be doing,” said Lightning Dust.

“Oh yeah? What other thing could you be doing?” demanded Gilda.

“Uh, working on Mare Do Well?” said Lightning Dust.

“You win this round,” muttered Gilda.

“Sunset’s not here,” said Flam, “so I suppose it falls to me to suggest we end this conversation and just go and find the flutter ponies.”

The group returned to the center of the valley. “So, anything new to report?” asked Gilda.

“Nope!” said one of the flutter ponies.

“Well, I’m stumped, then,” said Gilda. “I suggest we go home. Maybe look into that instruction manual some more, too; it could explain the situation.”

The group started to leave the area. But just then, something dramatic occurred! In fact, it was so dramatic that an additional paragraph break is necessary to emphasize how dramatic it was!

A rainbow appeared in the sky.

“Look! A rainbow!” declared one of the flutter ponies, making the prior paragraph feel mostly redundant. They all quickly flew up to it. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“But it didn’t even rain,” said another skeptically.

Just then, something even more dramatic occurred! You might think that a rainbow suddenly appearing would be hard to top, but topped it was indeed! While the flutter ponies were distracted by the rainbow, a large group of bees suddenly invaded and grabbed an orange, glowing stone from the area before flying off.

“They’re stealing our Sun Stone!” declared one of the flutter ponies.

“I knew it!” said the flutter pony that spoke three paragraphs ago. “This rainbow’s a phony! After them!”

“Wait wait wait, what’s going on?” asked Gilda.

“No time to explain!” declared one of the flutter ponies. “Sorry. You see, it all goes back to… oh, wait, I’m wasting time explaining, sorry!”

All of the flutter ponies quickly left.

“Well, of course the rainbow was fake!” said Lightning Dust. “Didn’t they look at the colors? It was red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet, unlike every rainbow I’ve ever seen, which is red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet. For example, haven’t they ever looked at Rainbow Dash? There’s no indigo in her hair!”

“So, uh, should we follow them?” asked Gilda.

“Is it really our problem?” said Suri.

“Hey!” said Lightning Dust. “The tree hasn’t let us down yet! I vote we go for it!”

“It seems more dangerous than normal, though,” said Flam.

“But if you don’t go, that’d mean you wouldn’t get your share of the money,” said Lightning Dust.

“Your logic has convinced me!” said Flim. “Let’s go!”

---

Sunset and Trixie peeked out of the alley they were hiding in. “I think they’re gone for now,” said Trixie.

“Just for the record,” said Sunset, “I’ve come to the conclusion that this is probably the worst present I’ve ever received.”

“I have to unfortunately agree,” said Trixie sadly. “Er, wait. Not quite. I don’t agree with the statement ‘this is probably the worst present I ever received,’ because I didn’t receive it. It’s more accurate to say it’s the worst present I’ve ever given, so I… just realized there are more important things to pay attention to right now, like the imminent danger we’re in by the various angry ponies. How much longer until the effects wear off?”

Sunset glanced at a clock. “Looks like it’ll still be several hours. We should probably just get out of here. Any ideas on how to do that?”

“Head back to the castle, find that magical portal, then use it to go someplace else until this blows over?” suggested Trixie.

“You mean to that alternate world?” said Sunset. “I’m not sure it’s done charging itself up yet.”

“Actually,” said Trixie, “we don’t need to use it for that. I’ve been consulting the instruction booklet, and you can actually use it to send yourself to other places in your own universe, and it won’t use up as much energy! It’s one-way, though.”

Suddenly, their cutie marks started glowing. “Well I suppose that’s possibly a reason to go back to the castle anyway,” said Sunset, “as it seems we’re supposed to go on that adventure. But with the rest of the town on the prowl, I’m not sure–”

“Hey!” came a voice. “I saw something glowing in that alley! I think they’re hiding there!”

“To the castle it is!” declared Sunset as the two quickly started running off.

“So, uh, you can quickly set up the mirror, right?” said Sunset as the two were running.

“Um… maybe?” said Trixie.

“I don’t want to risk life and limb on a ‘maybe’!”

“Would you risk it on a ‘probably’?” asked Trixie.

“Might as well!” said Sunset.

The two managed to make it into the mirror portal room of the castle and quickly switched it on. “All right, so do we set a specific destination?”

“Putting in coordinates could take a while to figure out,” said Trixie. “Let’s just put in Gilda as the–”

Just then, the door was kicked open.

“Do it!” screamed Sunset.

Trixie quickly made the necessary adjustments, which mostly consisted of saying ‘Target: Gilda’ and the mirror activated. The two quickly jumped in, and the portal closed afterwards. The various rampaging citizens tried to follow them, but smacked straight into the mirror instead.

“Uh-oh,” said one of them, “breaking a mirror gives you seven years of bad luck!”

“But the mirror isn’t broken,” said another.

“That’s even worse!” said the first. “Almost breaking a mirror gives you thirteen years of mediocre luck!”

“Wait, is that really worse? The length is greater but the luck isn’t as bad.”

An argument quickly erupted as to which was worse, but the argument wasn’t particularly funny, so it’ll be skipped over in favor of what happened with Sunset and Trixie.

---

Sunset and Trixie emerged from the portal, which promptly disappeared, into a wooded area to find Gilda.

“Wait, where did you two come from?” asked Gilda.

“It’s a long story and involves really stupid things,” said Sunset. “Can you tell us what’s going on right now?”

“That’s also a long story and involves really stupid things,” said Gilda.

“Well, yours is probably more immediately relevant to the situation, so can you tell us it?” asked Sunset impatiently.

“Well, we got here, and there was nothing that seemed like there was a reason to come, but then these giant bees showed up and took some rock called the Sun Stone and the flutter ponies went after it, then we figured ‘hey, why not?’ and did also, but then the bees trapped all of them in two big beehives and threw honey on them so they couldn’t fly out, plus it has some kind of anti-teleporting properties to stop that. But I managed to avoid being captured, which leads us up to about two minutes ago.”

“Do you have any plans for a rescue?” said Trixie.

“No, but I came up with a great plan on how to get out of here safely!” said Gilda. “All we have to do is–”

“You don’t think we should rescue them?”

“Uh, well, I considered trying to blow my way into the beehive with a gun, but that gives too high a risk of inadvertently shooting one of them if I can’t see the inside,” said Gilda. “And there wouldn’t be enough time to make sure they get out of the way with the various guards around there.”

“How about we go up to the bees and ask nicely for them to let them all go?” suggested Trixie.

Gilda and Sunset stared blankly at Trixie.

“What?” said Trixie. “If you don’t ask, you don’t get.”

“If you think it’s such a great idea, why don’t you go ask them?” said Sunset.

“Sure!” said Trixie as she turned to leave.

“Uh, I meant that sarcastically,” said Sunset.

“But it made a lot of sense,” said Trixie in a confused tone.

“Ugh, fine,” said Sunset. “If you’re going to go with that plan if we don’t help, I suppose we might as well help.”

Ha! thought Trixie to herself. I knew that playing dumb like that would get them to go along! Reverse psychology works yet again! Wait, was that reverse psychology? Maybe–

“Much as I hate to interrupt whatever inner monologue you’re undergoing,” said Gilda, “can we hurry up and figure things out? Who knows what kind of horrible torture the bees are putting them under! They might even be making them listen to bad griffon karaoke!”

“Where would they even get a griffon?” said Trixie.

“You never know!” said Gilda.

“Fine, whatever,” said Sunset. “One of us serves as a distraction while the others mount the rescue mission. How’s that?”

“I nominate you to be the distraction!” declared Trixie.

“Why me?” asked Sunset.

“Your shapeshifting powers?” said Trixie. “You seem almost uniquely suited for that sort of thing. Just change yourself into one of the bees to get the others to go away, and then we’ll commence the rescue. Seems simple enough.”

“Okay, that’s actually not a bad idea,” said Sunset.

A short time later…

“Pssst!” said Gilda as she whispered into the beehive. “Can you guys hear me?”

“Who is it?” came a voice from inside the beehive.

“Oh, wait, sorry,” said Gilda. “Wrong beehive. This must be the one the flutter ponies got imprisoned in.” She went to the other one. “Can you guys hear me?”

“Yes, Gilda?” came Suri’s voice.

“Great!” said Gilda. “I’m going to blow a hole in the wall. Be sure to get out of the way.”

Gilda waited a short time, then did the aforementioned blowing of a hole in the wall. The others came out, covered in honey.

“All right!” said Gilda. “We’re all out! Now let’s skedaddle!”

“What about the flutter ponies?” said Trixie.

“What about the flutter ponies?” said Gilda.

“I think Trixie is suggesting that we should try to save them,” said Flam.

“I don’t think we have time for that right now,” said Gilda. “Let’s just try to get out of here first. Where’s Sunset right now?”

Sunset suddenly ran up to them. “Bees are coming right behind me. Let’s get out of here now.”

Deciding to only ask for further details after running, the group immediately started running off. With that accomplished, Flam asked, “So, what happened exactly?”

“Well, I pulled the whole ‘the leader wants you all to stop guarding’ thing like they often do in the movies,” said Sunset, “but then they talked to said leader and discovered it wasn’t the case, so they came back.”

“Huh,” said Trixie. “That latter part doesn’t usually come up in those movies. Who would’ve known it’d happen in real life?”

“Let’s just try to hide,” said Sunset.

They hid and the bees all went by them. “Well, that was easy,” said Flam. “Now what?”

“We take advantage of the fact that we’re alive and not captured and make a point to get out of here?” suggested Gilda.

“What, without the money?” said Lightning Dust. “The tree hasn’t been wrong so far!”

“Money isn’t good to me if I’m dead!” said Gilda.

“What if you wanted a really fancy funeral?” asked Trixie. “Then the money would be useful, wouldn’t it?”

“It’s worth pointing out none of us have died on these missions so far!” added Flim.

“So far,” said Gilda.

“What I mean is, perhaps it’s only giving us missions that we won’t die on!” said Flim.

“That’s a whole lot of trust you’re putting in a tree!” said Gilda. “What if it was just lucky up until this point?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Lightning Dust. “If that’s the case and you end up dying, you won’t have to worry about it being wrong anymore!”

“Okay, fine! Can you come up with any plan that isn’t likely to get me killed?”

“Could you define ‘likely’?” said Trixie. “What percentage are we talking here?”

Gilda sighed heavily.

“Do any of you lot even know what the Sun Stone does?” asked Sunset.

“Yeah, it does… sun stuff,” said Suri.

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Am I the only one who paid attention in class about magical artifact?”

“Sunset, I think you might have been the only one who attended a class about magical artifacts,” said Suri.

“That’s not true; I did!” declared Trixie. After a pause, she added, “But I’ll admit I didn’t really pay attention.”

“I once went to a class about something that had absolutely nothing to do with magical artifacts, does that count?” asked Lightning Dust.

Sunset growled. “Look, the Sun Stone is a mystical artifact that gets energy from the sun to benefit the environment in the surrounding area and keep it all nice and good and stuff. Presumably, the bees stole it to get access to that. But the Sun Stone only accomplishes its ‘keeping it all nice and good and stuff’ thing in specific locations, and if you try to do it elsewhere it soon causes everything to heat up too much and cause fires.”

“Great!” said Gilda. “So we just wait for the bees’ home to burn down, and it’ll all take care of itself. Then we can grab the Sun Stone from the ashes with no possible danger.”

“What about the flutter ponies?”

“I’m sure the beehive will melt down from the heat and they’ll all escape,” said Gilda.

“But they might die in the interim!” said Flim. “And maybe they’re somehow related to the cash!”

“I’m surprised being trapped in that beehive and likely to die didn’t cause you to re-evaluate your money obsession,” said Gilda.

“Oh, it did!” said Flim. “But then as we were there longer, it caused me to re-re-evaluate it and change my mind on changing my mind.”

“Okay, I know this kind of incessant blather is sort of our trademark,” said Sunset, “but seriously, can we figure out what we’re going to do already?”

“I’ve got it!” said Trixie. “I’ve figured it all out! We should go ask the flutter ponies what they want us to do!”

“How would we be able to manage that without getting caught again?” said Gilda.

“Oh, just use Sunset’s changeling powers again,” said Trixie. “Actually, why didn’t we suggest that to begin with?”

“You think they’d fall for it again?” said Suri.

“Guys?” said Flam. “It’s getting a bit hot. I think the Sun Stone is doing its thing.”

“Hooray!” said Trixie. “Our inane blathering helped us solve the problem by taking up time and making things heat up! New plan! While they’re distracted dealing with the heat, we should open up the presumably-in-the-process-of-melting-and-therefore-easier-to-break-open hive they’re trapped in! Sunset can help further distract any bees with the shapeshifting powers I mentioned a very short time ago!”

“If it’ll end this inane blather, I’m for it,” said Sunset.

“You’re willing to put your life into danger just for that?” asked Gilda.

“You underestimate my hatred of inane blather,” muttered Sunset.

“Great!” said Trixie. “Let’s do it!”

And so they did. Or at least they would have except for the fact that in a dramatic plot twist, the last 43 paragraphs never actually happened.

“I think Trixie is suggesting that we should try to save them,” said Flam.

“Wait, didn’t you just say that?” said Gilda.

“Did I?” wondered Flam. “Well, the point stands.”

“Do we even have time for that?” said Gilda.

“I punched a hole in the hive and rescued them all while you were talking!” said Lightning Dust as she led the aforementioned group of flutter ponies (wings covered with honey) to them.

“Well, I guess we did have time,” said Gilda. “All right, let’s get out of here already!”

“We can’t leave without the Sun Stone!” said one of the flutter ponies. “It’ll be the end of Flutter Valley if it doesn’t get returned in time!”

“Have you considered setting up a residence somewhere that doesn’t fall apart within a day if a particular artifact is removed?” said Gilda.

“Can we just quickly devise a plan to recover it before Sunset’s distraction stops working?” said Trixie.

Sunset suddenly ran up to the group. “I got the Sun Stone! Let’s get out of here before they figure out what happened!”

“Well, I guess that solves that,” said Trixie as the group took the advice and ran off.

“So, any plans on what to do if the bees do catch up to us before we get back?” said Flam.

“The seven of us will delay the bees somehow while the flutter ponies take it to the valley!” declared Lightning Dust.

“Why in the world are we the ones stuck with the dangerous part?” asked Suri.

“No time for questions!” declared Lightning Dust. “We must act now!”

“But the bees aren’t even here yet!”

Buzzing was suddenly heard which grew progressively louder.

“See?” said Lightning Dust. “No time for questions!”

As the buzzing indicated, a group of the giant bees caught up with them. “All right!” said Lightning Dust. “This will be our final stand! Today is a good day to die!”

After a short but intense battle, Lightning Dust managed to defeat all of the bees by herself (mostly by using her speed to trick them into running into each other), then joined the rest of the group. “Well, that wasn’t that hard.”

“If you could have just done it yourself, why did you insist we stick around?” demanded Sunset.

“Because I needed somepony to witness how awesome I am!” said Lightning Dust as she performed a midair loop-de-loop. “I don’t have enough opportunities for that nowadays.”

“Wait, I thought you got that honey on your wings, how were you able to fly?” said Trixie.

“That is a very good question!” said Lightning Dust.

There was a pause. “So, can I get a very good answer?” asked Trixie.

“How about we get out of here first?” said Sunset.

“Okay,” said Trixie, “but if I don’t get an answer by the end of this, I’m going to be upset.”

The group then continued out of the area and reached Flutter Valley. However, they found the various flutter ponies were all captured in a net by a giant spider.

“That’s not a sight you see very often,” observed Flam.

“The giant spider?” asked Trixie.

“No,” said Flam, “I’ve seen several of those. It’s the fact it’s a giant spider who’s guarding a bunch of flutter ponies that are captured in a net.”

“Is this a bad time to tell you that I have really bad arachnophobia?” asked Suri.

“Alrighty then!” declared Gilda as she pulled out a large shotgun. “Let’s show this spider that… that… uh… hang on, I’m having trouble thinking of a good quip.”

“Show it that the gun is mightier than the sword?” suggested Lightning Dust.

“That eight legs are not better than two or four?” said Trixie.

“Just shoot already!” shouted Sunset in frustration.

“What if we hit the flutter ponies?” said Suri. “The liability damages could be devastating.”

“You doubt my aiming skills?” asked Gilda indignantly.

“Do you have any idea how much money you can get in lawsuits over these things? I’m here and could be labeled an accomplice! I’m not giving up all that money!”

“Fine!” said Gilda. “What’s your bright idea, then?”

“We distract the spider, rescue the flutter ponies, and then you can let loose with your gun,” said Suri.

“Can you be a little more specific on how to accomplish that?”

“Um…” said Suri. “Wait. Hang on. Do any of you have some kind of binoculars? I want to check something.”

“I guess there’s a spell for that,” said Sunset as she zapped Suri with the spell for that.

Suri blinked. “Oh, cool, binocular vision.” She paused briefly. “Wow, I never realized how unappealing your coat color is when zoomed in on.”

“Can you just do whatever it was you were planning to do?” demanded Sunset in an irritated tone.

“Oh, right!” said Suri as she turned her gaze towards the spider and net. “Aha! I was right! Now we just have to communicate with them to let them know how to escape.”

“And how do they escape?” asked Flim.

“Oh,” said Suri, “that’s easy. If you look, the holes in the net are actually pretty big and they should be able to just fly out. Not sure how they didn’t notice that. Maybe they’re just not very smart. Anyway, we just have to find a way to communicate with them from over here without getting too close to the spider in the meantime.”

“I know what to do!” declared Flam as he pulled out a loudspeaker.

“Wait, why do you have a loudspeaker?” said Lightning Dust.

“Why wouldn’t I have one?” said Flam. He turned it on and spoke into it. “Hey! Flutter ponies! Those gaps in the net look big enough for you to escape out of! Also, if you get a chance, buy some copies of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cider!’”

“Huh,” said one of the flutter ponies, “I guess we never noticed that.” The group easily escaped from the net.

“Can I take the shot now?” asked Gilda eagerly.

“Sure, go ahead,” said Flim. “The spider’s running at us anyway.”

Gilda blasted the spider as it drew close to them, knocking it onto its back.

“Ow!” said the spider. “That hurts you know. Like, a lot.”

“Wait, you can talk?!” said Gilda.

“Why would you assume I couldn’t?” asked the giant spider.

“Well, you never said anything!”

“You never asked me anything! Why would I say anything?”

“Well, can you just go away, then?” said Sunset.

“Well, I guess I screwed up in my job of keeping them in the net,” said the spider. “Darn it. The job market’s no good for giant spiders unless it involves holding people in nets. Well, I guess I botched my job, so I might as well head out now.”

“Wait, job market?” said Suri. “Who hired you?”

“Oh, those witches over there,” said the spider as it pointed one of its legs towards three figures that were nearby. “Anyway, see you,” it added as it walked off.

“How did we not notice them before?” wondered Flam.

“They kind of fade into the background,” said Trixie. “You know, like that… other person who fades into the background.”

“Who?” asked Lightning Dust.

“I don’t know!” said Trixie. “Like I said, they fade into the background!”

“Stop babbling and grab them!” said Gilda.

And so the group, along with some of the flutter ponies, managed to get up to the three figures and surround them, who turned out to be bipedal. One was short and fat. One was tall and thin. And the third looked exactly like the other two.

“Hey!” said Lightning Dust. “These guys look like those guys we met in that alternate universe! They were called humans, I think?”

“Humans in Equestria?” said Trixie. “Sounds like something out of a bad fan fiction.”

“Hey!” said Gilda. “I’m sure there’s good fan fiction that involve that idea!”

“You read fan fiction?” asked Lightning Dust.

“I skim,” said Gilda.

Everyone took a quick and confused look at Gilda but decided not to pursue the subject. “Anyway, who are these?”

“They’re the witches from the Volcano of Gloom!” declared one of the flutter ponies. “They moved in a month or so ago.”

“Who names a place the Volcano of Gloom?” said Gilda. “Why not something like the Volcano of Happiness? I’m sure it would be better for tourists.”

“When did you last hear of a happy volcano?” said Suri.

The various three alleged witches all took the opportunity to escape. However, after a quick chase, they were re-captured, leaving one wondering what the purpose of this paragraph even was.

“So, are any of you going to actually say anything already?” said Sunset. “This silence is getting a bit weird.”

The witches just stared at her.

“Aha!” said Lightning Dust. “I’ve figured it out! It’s been right in front of us this entire time! I know who they really are! The clues were obvious in retrospect!” She grabbed their heads and pulled off their masks, revealing the human shapes were a costume and it was just three normal pegasi. “It’s Tweedledum and Tweedledee!”

“Uh, Lightning Dust?” said Gilda. “It’s just those three Shadowbolt idiots.”

“That would make more sense in retrospect,” admitted Lightning Dust.

“Okay, fine; you got us,” said Stormy Skies. “Can you let us go now?”

“Well, what were you even trying to do with all of this?” asked Gilda.

“None of your business,” said Thunder Strike.

“I’ve got it!” said Lightning Dust. “They wanted to gain ownership of Flutter Valley, but the flutter ponies wouldn’t sell it, or at least wouldn’t sell it for a low price. Since the Sun Stone is what keeps the valley all nice and stuff, they wanted to get rid of it! That way they’d be able to either buy it for a really low price or just take control of it after the flutter ponies left. So they made a deal with the queen of the bees to grab the Sun Stone after the rainbow diversion, solving their problem. Plus, due to the likelihood of the flutter ponies going after the stone and getting captured, they might not even have to worry about buying the place, because they’d be gone.”

“Wait, why would they want to get Flutter Valley anyway? And what was with the dressing up like witches?”

“I was getting to that,” said Lightning Dust. “They dressed up like witches to try to scare anypony away who did show up so they could try to bill it as some sort of haunted place and sell tours. They could have tried to do that with someplace like the Everfree Forest, but since that has actual dangers, they’d be liable for lawsuit, but if they just fooled everypony into thinking it was haunted, they could make all kinds of money with those tours! Alternatively, they could trick somepony else into thinking there was that kind of money in it and sell it all at a profit. As for the specific dressing up as humans, maybe one of them got mixed up with their human counterpart when they were last in that other human universe, so they just went with that for inspiration.”

“How’d she figure it all out?” muttered Thunder Strike.

“Oh, wait, I got it right?” said Lightning Dust. “I was just making stuff up, mostly, because I wanted to sound intelligent. I do that a lot.”

“But you almost never sound intelligent,” said Gilda.

“I know,” said Lightning Dust sadly.

“Whatever!” said Sunset. “We figured out their plan and captured them. Are we done with this adventure already?”

“We didn’t get our money yet, so I don’t think so,” said Flim.

Suddenly, the Shadowbolts attempted to escape again. This actually might have worked, if not for the fact the Sun Stone managed to activate to bring the sun back, causing a blinding flash that temporarily blinded them, as blinding flashes are wont to do, allowing Sunset and the others, along with the flutter ponies, to grab them again. Gilda then whacked them in the head to knock them out.

“I think that can cause brain damage,” said Sunset.

“Enh,” said Gilda.

“I still want the money,” said Flim.

“You know,” said Trixie, “maybe the tree wasn’t actually just giving us ways to get money. Maybe it was sending us places to help out others, and it was just coincidence that we got richer each of those times.”

“I sure hope not,” said Flam. “I’d hate to think we came here just for that.”

“Well, I guess we might as well go, then,” said Trixie. “But are we forgetting something? I feel like we’re forgetting something.”

A large swarm of bees suddenly was seen approaching the valley.

“Oh,” said Trixie, “we’re forgetting that.”

The large swarm of bees came up to the valley, and some of the flutter ponies flew up to meet them. “I demand the Sun Stone!” declared the one who was presumably the queen bee, which is aided by the fact she was the only one who didn’t look exactly like the others by virtue of a different design. “It’s too cold in Bumbleland, and the flowers don’t grow!”

“Did you ever consider just asking for some of our flowers?”

There was an awkward silence. “Hrm,” said the queen bee. “I didn’t think of that. Sorry about the mess, then.”

The bees started to fly off. “Well, that was easy,” said Suri.

Just then, the queen bee suddenly came back. “Just to confirm. You would give us the flowers if we asked, right?”

“Sure,” said one of the flutter ponies.

“All right!” declared the queen bee. “Let’s get them!”

The bees quickly seized about half of the flowers in the field, then flew off.

“That was a little more than I meant,” said the flutter pony that spoke previously.

“Well, I guess we’re off,” said Gilda. “Doesn’t seem like there’s anything else to do here.”

And so the group said goodbye to the flutter ponies and left, taking the tied-up and unconscious Shadowbolts along with them.

“Well, at least we won’t have to deal with these three idiots again once they’re arrested,” said Sunset.

“Right!” said Lightning Dust. “Unlike superhero comics, escapes don’t happen every week or so!”

Upon reaching normal civilization, the group found a police station, or whatever the equivalent of that is in Equestria.

“Hey!” said Sunset. “We’ve got these three who tried to take over Flutter Valley!”

“Wait,” said Lightning Dust, “now that I think about it, was that technically illegal? I think it falls outside of Equestria’s jurisdiction.”

The policeman (policestallion?) took a lot at the Shadowbolts. “Wait a minute, these three look familiar. Let me check the wanted posters.” He went over and looked at the wanted posters, of which there were only three, each one of the Shadowbolts. “Oh, right, these guys! They’re the only wanted criminals right now. They’re wanted for multiple trademark infringements, several instances of fraud, one case of ‘trying to take over an alternate dimension which may technically fall outside our jurisdiction but whatever, I’m Chrysalis so I make the rules, oh, and by the way, hi Sunset, glad you grabbed these guys,’ four cases of–”

“Wait, what was that last one?” asked Sunset.

The stallion shrugged. “I don’t know, just one of the weirdly titled crimes Chrysalis set up. Anyway, there was also–”

“Okay, fine, they’re guilty of a lot of crimes,” said Lightning Dust. “So you’ll take them off our hands?”

“Oh, sure!” said the stallion. “And there’s actually a surprisingly high reward for them.”

“Reward?” said Flim eagerly.

“Apparently we were really underbudget, so they just decided to put the money into a reward for their capture,” said the stallion. He showed them the wanted poster, which had a fairly sizable number on it.

“I never doubted you, tree!” declared Suri.

After getting their money, they all boarded a train and headed back. “Hrm,” said Trixie after a while. “I feel like we’re forgetting something important.”

“Like what?” said Suri.

“How am I supposed to know?” asked Trixie in an irritated tone. “If I could remember what I forgot, I wouldn’t be asking!”

Eventually they reached Ponyville, or what was left of it. Fortunately, “what was left of it” applied to 85.7% of the city.

“Oh, right!” said Trixie. “We may have accidentally caused mass havoc in the city and a lot of destruction. That was it.”

Lightning Dust shrugged. “Enh. It happens.”

“As long as I don’t get held legally responsible for any of this, I’m fine with it,” said Sunset.

Trixie went up to one of the ponies in the city. “So… uh, what caused all of this? The rampaging from everypony getting angry?”

“Oh, no,” said the pony. “That wore off before there was much actual destruction. This mostly came from that ‘Create Massive Destruction’ convention that was going on. In retrospect, agreeing to host that was probably a mistake.”

“Hooray!” declared Trixie after the pony had left. “I bear no legal responsibility for the mayhem!”

“Swell,” said Gilda.

Trixie frowned. “I feel like I’m forgetting something else, though. Like there was some question I didn’t get answered. Darn it, this is going to bother me for weeks if I can’t remember.”

“You know, maybe you should get your memory checked out, if you’re so constantly forgetting things,” said Flam.

---

“I’d like to reiterate this is your fault,” said Stormy Skies as the Shadowbolts were led down a corridor by guards.

“We’ve already been over this; it wasn’t mine, so it had to be yours,” said Thunder Strike.

“Well, I don’t think–” started Stormy Skies before being interrupted by them reaching the end of the corridor. The guards opened the door and pushed the three into the room to find a large, dark blue minotaur.

“Who are you?” demanded Thunder Strike.

“My name is Iron Will,” said the minotaur. “Now, it’s my understanding you three are looking at some fairly long prison sentences. How would you like to have them cut down… considerably?”

Stormy Skies sighed. “How about we skip the pitch and get to the offer?”

“Fine!” said Iron Will. “I’m in charge of a secret team of various convicted criminals who, in exchange for dramatically shortening their sentences, will agree to go on various clandestine and extremely dangerous missions for the government. Are you in?”

“Sure, why not?” said Thunder Strike. “Sounds more interesting than prison, at least.”

“Excellent!” said Iron Will. “Welcome to the Suicide Squad.”

The three Shadowbolts glanced at each other. “Suicide Squad?” asked Stormy Skies skeptically.

“Iron Will admits,” said Iron Will, “that the name could use some work. It’s not that great for morale, especially after that lame movie came out. So your first mission is to come up with a better name for the team!”

“Hrm,” said Maelstrom Tempest.

Author's Note:

Sorry for (yet another) long wait between chapters, but I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I don't know if my writing progress blog post helped out at all in the wait in knowing how far I was, but hopefully it was useful.

Given that this was primarily a parody of something not from Friendship Is Magic (this is chiefly a parody of "The End of Flutter Valley," a story in the original My Little Pony cartoon), I thought I should explain a few jokes that might have been confusing if you didn't see the original.

The mention of the rainbow being suspicious because it had indigo in it is because in the show, the rainbow in question actually DID have indigo in it, as actual rainbows do, in contrast to so many fictional depictions of rainbows which leave it out entirely (the purple in the rainbow in that episode also looked more like pink, though, so it wasn't perfect either). Also, the mention of the holes in the net being big enough for them to fly out of refers to the fact that if you look at the net they're held in, the holes actually are really big and they should be able to just fly out of it.

It's possible you figured that out without my help, but I thought I should mention them anyway. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Comments

[TigerCat111]

Gotta love the classics!!

[Razzy]

Jeez, Gilda's really worried for her life.

Bees! Not the bees! Gah, they're in my eyes!

... That's a very specific crime.

'allowing the Sunset' - remove the