My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd

by Lord Seth

From Here and Back Again

“Okay, Sunburst,” panted Starlight as the two were running at top speed, “I admit that perhaps aggravating an ursa major was not the smartest idea I’ve ever had. But, hey, it was better than trying to remove all cutie marks, right?”

“I’m not sure the distinction matters?” said Sunburst as he took a look back to see the ursa major catching up to them.

“So… um…” said Starlight. “Since we’re probably going to die in less than a minute, do you have any deep confessions you’ve been holding onto?”

“Well, there is one,” admitted Sunburst. “I can do this.”

Sunburst bit into his hoof and suddenly grew into a giant and started fighting the ursa major.

“Huh,” said Starlight. “I didn’t see that coming.”

Starlight watched the epic struggle for a few seconds, then Luna suddenly appeared. “What are you doing here?” asked Starlight.

“Dreams are my domain, Starlight Glimmer,” said Luna. “I am here because you need me to be.”

“Oh, well, this being a dream makes this make more sense,” said Starlight. “But why do I need you to be here?”

“Actually, I’m not sure you do,” admitted Luna. “But saying that sounded more profound than admitting I took a wrong turn.”

“So is this dream some kind of deep indication of inner struggles or worries going on in my mind?” asked Starlight.

“Huh? No, I’m pretty sure it’s just a silly dream,” said Luna. “Most dreams don’t have any symbolic meanings. Though I suppose this one might technically count as mild spoilers.”

“Oh, phew,” said Starlight. “So I don’t have to worry about that dream last night where I was body swapped with Sunburst, transformed into a child, chained up, gagged, turned to stone, and tickled by tentacles while being eaten alive?”

Luna stared briefly. “Actually, you might want to see a professional about that one,” she said.

Starlight suddenly vanished.

“Hrm,” said Luna. “Something must have woken her up. I wonder what.” She shrugged and pulled out a map. “Well, maybe I’ll look into that when I’m not on vacation time. Or lost on the way. These dream shortcuts never take as much time off as they’re supposed to. They also have a tendency to make me talk out loud to myself much more than usual.”

---

“All right,” said Lightning Dust. “So what should happen after Mare Do Well shows up at the villain’s lair? Do you have any good idea for quips?”

“Nope,” said Trixie.

“But you’re always able to think them up!” said Lightning Dust in a disappointed tone. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing!” said Trixie. “I’m just not thinking of any right now.”

“That’s what you’ve said throughout the writing of this entire issue!” said Lightning Dust. “I need you for the comedy sections! You’re better at them than me!”

“Well, um… just having trouble today, I guess,” said Trixie.

“Well, let’s try again tomorrow, then,” said Lightning Dust.

Later that tomorrow…

“So, has your muse returned?” asked Lightning Dust. She then realized that Trixie wasn’t actually in the room and thus her question was pointless, so she went to find Trixie and then asked, “So, has your muse returned?”

“Not really,” said Trixie. “Sorry.”

“Are you sure you’re really Trixie?” asked Lightning Dust.

“Ahh! Okay! I admit it!” said Trixie as she suddenly turned into a changeling. “I’m not really Trixie! You broke me down with your relentless questions and saw through the disguise!”

“Um, actually, I was saying that as a joke,” said Lightning Dust.

“Oh,” said the changeling. There was an awkward pause, then it turned back into Trixie. “Can we just forget the last 20 or so seconds happened, then?”

“Uh, no,” said Lightning Dust.

“Drat,” said the changeling. “Would you buy that Trixie was actually a changeling all along?”

“Uh, no,” said Lightning Dust.

“Would you buy this is all a dream?”

“Uh, no,” said Lightning Dust.

“Can you say anything other than ‘uh, no’?”

Hrm, thought Lightning Dust to herself. Would a better answer be to repeat ‘uh, no’ or to say something like ‘yep’? Decisions, decisions.

“Okay, I admit it!” said the changeling desperately. “You’ve worn me down with your conspiracy of silence and stern demeanor! Chrysalis told me to take Trixie’s place and pretend to be her!”

“Uh, why?” asked Lightning Dust after a brief pause.

“Oh, so you can say something other than ‘uh, no,’” said the changeling in relief. “Which, in retrospect, I should have realized because you said things other than ‘uh, no’ prior to saying that phrase.”

“Can I get an answer to my question?” Lightning Dust asked impatiently.

“I don’t know!” said the changeling.

“Wait, do you mean you don’t know if I can get an answer to my question, or you don’t know why Chrysalis did that? Your phrasing was ambiguous.”

“I meant the latter,” said the changeling. “It’s probably part of some epic prank of hers.”

“Oh, okay,” said Lightning Dust. “By the way, what’s your name? Constantly thinking of you as ‘the changeling’ in my mental narration feels odd. So I–”

Lightning Dust was interrupted by the changeling in question taking the opportunity to run for it. “Hey! Come back here!” she said. Unfortunately, the ability of changelings to change into others, along with Lightning Dust’s own short attention span, caused her to lose track of it quickly and give up.

---

“Sunset!” declared Lightning Dust as she walked into the room. “I have something important to ask you!”

“What is it?” asked Sunset in an irritated tone.

“Are you a changeling?” demanded Lightning Dust.

Sunset stared at Lightning Dust for a short while, then said, “Um… sort of?”

“Aha!” said Lightning Dust. “That’s exactly what a changeling would say!”

“Why are you being even weirder than usual?” asked Sunset.

“Trixie got kidnapped and replaced by a changeling,” said Lightning Dust. “So I’m trying to check to see if that happened to anypony else. And by the way, you haven’t convinced me yet that you’re not a changeling!”

“You’re an idiot,” said Sunset.

“Hrm,” said Lightning Dust. “Maybe you are the real Sunset.”

“Are you sure this whole thing isn’t just a product of your hyperactive imagination?” asked Sunset wearily. “Like that cannibal clown invasion?”

“That was an honest mistake!” said Lightning Dust. “And no, this one wasn’t my imagination. I remember it like it was yesterday… which is odd, as it was just a few minutes ago.”

Sunset sighed. “Fine, so there’s some changeling run amok. What do you want to do about it? Ask Chrysalis for help?”

“Actually, she’s supposedly the one behind it,” said Lightning Dust.

“Great,” muttered Sunset. “Another dumb prank of hers. Does she not have better things to do?”

“Well, there is only one thing to do!” declared Lightning Dust.

“Sit back and wait for the whole thing to take care of itself?” asked Sunset.

“That is a very solid Plan B,” admitted Lightning Dust, “but I was thinking of getting the rest of the gang together to try to investigate and stop whatever nefarious scheme is going on!”

“‘Nefarious scheme’? You know this is just going to be some dumb prank of hers again,” said Sunset.

“You don’t think that kidnapping might be going a bit far for a prank?”

“You know this is Chrysalis we’re talking about, right?” said Sunset.

“That’s not a bad point,” said Lightning Dust. “Well, I still say we go with my previously suggested suggestion!”

“Sure,” said Sunset with a sigh, “I suppose I might as well try.”

The two quickly rounded up Flim, Flam, Gilda, and Suri. While Lightning Dust’s initial idea of testing to see if they were changelings by asking them if they were changelings did not yield much in the way of results, simply asking them questions only they would know the answers to did work out.

“Okay!” said Lightning Dust. “It looks like all of us are in fact us. Now what?”

“You didn’t have a plan?” asked Sunset indignantly.

“I just sort of figured that if we got all of us together a plan would just sort of naturally emerge,” said Lightning Dust. “Like, maybe go to the changelings’ home country and see if anything weird is going on. Incognito, of course. I mean, incognito as in the word, not ‘in cognito’ as in the phrase that I believe means being in the principle establishing the existence of a being from the fact of its thinking or awareness.”

“That needless last sentence aside, that’s actually not a terrible idea,” said Sunset.

“See what I mean?” said Lightning Dust. “It just naturally emerges!”

“Although,” said Flam, “wouldn’t it make sense to alert someone about this? Maybe somepony with power or authority?”

“Like who?”

Flam shrugged. “Discord? Shining Armor? I don’t think it would hurt.”

“What if one of them has been replaced by a changeling and this just alerts them to our knowledge?” asked Suri.

“Wouldn’t that already be the case thanks to discovering the part about Trixie?” said Sunset. “Let's just–”

Sunset was interrupted by Sunburst walking in. “So, um, I need your help,” he said.

“What, did somepony you know get replaced by a changeling?” asked Lightning Dust.

“How did you know?” asked Sunburst.

“Well, it happened to us,” said Lightning Dust.

“Wait, you’re all changelings?”

“Nah, only Trixie got replaced with one,” said Lightning Dust. “Though us all being changelings would be a great plot twist if my life were a movie.”

Everyone stared at Lightning Dust.

“What?” she asked defensively. “Trixie’s not here, and somepony has to cover for her in making zany statements like that.”

“Look, let’s just figure out what’s going on,” said Sunset. “Where would Chrysalis be right now anyway?”

“Isn’t this her vacation time?” said Suri. “She’s probably at that place where she and the changelings hung out before she was promoted to queen of Equestria.”

“How do you know Chrysalis’s vacation schedule?” asked Flam.

“It’s not like she keeps it a secret or anything,” said Suri.

“Okay, so we can try there,” said Sunset. “Any plans?”

“Aren’t you usually the one who comes up with those things?” asked Lightning Dust. “Or, wait, are you just the one who complains a lot?”

“I think it’s both,” said Gilda.

Sunset sighed. “Let’s just get back to what we were talking about. How about just alerting somepony in a better position of power about this and let them deal with it? Even if they were actually a changeling, they already would’ve been alerted due to Trixie being exposed.”

“But that’s exactly why we should go right away to Chrysalis’s home base!” declared Gilda. “Because otherwise they’ll get warned!”

“You’re just saying this because you always wanted to visit there and never got the chance, aren’t you?” asked Lightning Dust.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” said Gilda. “I’m bound by a nondisclosure agreement.”

Everyone stared blankly at her.

“Sorry, I can’t discuss the specifics of the nondisclosure agreement, because there’s a nondisclosure agreement for that as well,” said Gilda.

Sunset decided not to press Gilda further on the subject for fear of becoming even more irritated. “Fine! How about one of us goes to alert somepony and the rest goes off to see what’s going on?”

“I nominate Sunburst!” said Lightning Dust.

“Why?” asked Sunset.

“He doesn’t contribute properly to the established group dynamic,” said Lightning Dust.

Everyone stared at Lightning Dust.

“I mean, when we went to that alternate world, it mostly felt like he was just there,” said Lightning Dust. “Too much of a hanger on. I mean, there’s already a bit of redundancy in our group with Suri being awfully similar to Flim and Flam.”

Everyone stared harder at Lightning Dust, who shrugged. “Like I said, Trixie’s not around and somepony has to fill in for her. This is just a further demonstration of how the group dynamic doesn’t work right when it’s messed with.”

“I’m confused about what you’re talking about, but I’ll go alert Shining Armor,” said Sunburst.

“Wait a minute,” said Suri, “why didn’t you just tell him right away? Don’t you live over in the Crystal Empire?”

“Well, Starlight and I were on a trip, and you’re closer to where we were when I found out,” said Sunburst.

“So it’s decided!” declared Lightning Dust. “Sunburst can go off and alert others, while we keep our treasured group dynamic and go off to wherever Chrysalis is in the meantime!”

“How do we keep our ‘group dynamic’ anyway?” asked Gilda in exasperation. “Trixie’s not here!”

“Oh, good point!” said Lightning Dust. “Sunburst! How about you stick with us and act exactly like Trixie would? Trying to take that role on in addition to my usual contributions is getting a bit tiring.”

“I’m not entirely sure how Trixie acts?” said Sunburst hesitantly. “I didn’t spend that much time with her.”

“Darn it, I guess I’m still stuck with being the Trixie substitute,” muttered Lightning Dust.

“Argh!” said Sunset. “Let’s just go! If I have to listen to any more of this I’ll just go and see if I can get myself replaced with a changeling so I don’t have to put up with this!”

And so the group went on an epic adventure to reach the edge of the changeling kingdom, except without any actual epicness, which may or may not be an actual word. In other words: They walked over there without any notable events.

“Huh,” said Suri. “This place seems kind of like a dump.”

“It was better-looking when Trixie and I visited it,” said Lightning Dust. “I guess too many of the changelings moved over to Equestria since then.”

“All right!” said Sunset. “Let’s go over the plan once again. Because I can actually pass for a changeling, I’m going to go in and try to see what’s going on. And then, if applicable, I’ll come out and tell you all. In the meantime, you stay here. Got it?”

“That seems completely reasonable,” said Gilda.

And so Sunset wandered off. After a short while, she came back. “Wait, you guys actually stayed here?” she said in a shocked tone. “No wanderings off that put the whole plan in jeopardy?”

“Why would we do that?” asked Lightning Dust. “What, did you think we were stupid and irresponsible?”

Sunset stared briefly, then continued talking. “Anyway, apparently Chrysalis has been replacing several beings with changelings, but none of them have any idea why. The general theory is it’s some sort of convoluted joke and they’re all excited to see the payoff. In the meantime, those replaced are being held unconscious in her chamber.”

“Who got replaced?” asked Flim.

“From what I could tell, it was just Trixie and Starlight so far,” said Sunset. “Apparently there are plans for more, though.”

“So it’s just some dumb prank of hers?” said Gilda. “Fine. Let’s just head back and save ourselves the trouble.”

“But what if Chrysalis has totally gone power hungry and it’s all part of an elaborate evil plot?” suggested Lightning Dust. “We might be the only ones standing in the way! And it could very well be something time sensitive!”

“Okay then, what’s your plan for how to get into there?” said Gilda.

To make a long story short (because this chapter is already taking longer to write than it has any right to), their plan worked and they made it to Chrysalis’s throne room.

“I have to say,” said Suri, “this isn’t quite what I expected.”

“You didn’t expect to see various unconscious ponies floating in these weird liquid-filled sacs on the ceiling?” said Sunset.

“Actually, I was referring to how aesthetically unpleasing it is in general,” said Suri. “I would’ve positioned those sacs elsewhere. Where they are right now doesn’t work right with the color scheme. You’d think Chrysalis would have an interior design consultant. It’s a far cry from her throne room in Canterlot. Of course, she doesn’t spend that much time here, so maybe that’s why it…” Suri trailed off as she noticed no one else was listening to her anymore.

“There’s Trixie,” said Flim. “There’s Starlight, there’s… I don’t know who that changeling is.”

“Oh, isn’t that the one met on that trip to the Crystal Empire?” said Suri. “I don’t think we ever got his name.”

“All right!” said Lightning Dust. “We’re here and we’ve found them! Now what?”

“Free them, I guess?” said Flam with a shrug.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” came a voice. The group turned and saw Chrysalis, flanked by a number of changelings.

“Oh, hey, Chrysalis,” said Lightning Dust. “Fancy meeting you here. I mean, I guess this is your summer home and all, so it’s not that odd, but–”

“Seize them,” commanded Chrysalis in a cold voice.

“Are you sure?” asked one of the changelings. “I think–”

“Do it!” shouted Chrysalis.

“Uh, got any ideas, Sunset?” asked Suri as the changelings swarmed towards them.

“Well, I have one,” said Sunset. “But I’m not sure it’ll work.”

To make a short story shorter, Sunset’s plan almost succeeded, but ultimately failed and they all got captured.

“All right,” said Chrysalis dangerously, “now you’re going to answer some questions.”

“I admit it!” shouted Lightning Dust in fear. “I was the one who ate the last piece of cake! I couldn’t help myself! It just looked so tasty!” She paused. “Actually, wait, I purchased the cake. Never mind. I guess that wasn’t such a dark secret after all.”

Chrysalis stared at Lightning Dust very briefly, then said, “Okay, imprison that one first.”

One of the changelings pulled out a Mare Do Well comic. “Can I get my comic autographed by her before we do that?”

“Why in the world would you ask such a stupid question?” asked Chrysalis in an irritated voice.

“Uh, do you mean why would I ask her in particular, why I would ask about this particular issue, why I would want an autograph in general, why–” the changeling petered off upon seeing Chrysalis’s gaze. “I’ll, um, take that as a no.”

“So, uh, can you possibly tell us exactly what is going on here?” asked Sunset. “What’s your plan or end goal in all of this?”

“You came all the way here, and you somehow don’t know?” asked Chrysalis.

“I mean, it seems like you grabbed such a random collection of people to replace,” said Sunset.

“I don’t see any reason to–” started Chrysalis before being interrupted.

“Actually,” said one of the changelings, “could you tell us? We’ve kind of been wondering that.”

“Because,” said Chrysalis in a clearly irritated tone, “that way they won’t be able to stop the actual plan of grabbing Luna, Celestia, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fluttershy.”

Everyone looked at each other in confusion. “And, uh, why are we getting them again?” asked another one of the changelings.

“I’m not even sure who most of those are?” said another uncertainly.

Chrysalis’s eyes twitched. “Elements of Harmony? Helped thwart the Canterlot invasion? Need to be removed to take over? Hello?”

More confused mutterings occurred among the changelings. “Okay, I’m sorry, I really need to know,” said one, “is this just another one of your gags? We sort of went along with it as much as we did because we thought there’d be some great comedic payoff, but it’s really starting to go a bit far and leave us wondering about your sanity.”

“There isn’t a gag or a prank!” said Chrysalis. “The point is to take over Equestria!”

The changelings glanced at each other, then fell over laughing. “Okay,” said one, “that punchline was worth it. Shouldn’t have doubted you.”

“Has everyone gone insane?!” screamed Chrysalis. “Why are–”

They were all interrupted by a door at the upper end of the chamber that a staircase led to opening up and singing suddenly occurring.

“It’s a bright sunny day in this cavern!
It’s a bright sunny day in this cavern!”

Another Chrysalis emerged from the door and took the opportunity to make a large jump onto the stairs before continuing.

“Stalagmites as high as ursa major’s eyes!
The stalactites are high too, but that’s no surprise!”

She jumped down further, not apparently taking any notice of the crowd at the bottom.

“Oh what a wonderful morning!
Oh what a wonderful day!
I’ve got a wonderful feeeeeling…”

She then jumped down to the ground floor by finishing:

“…everything’s going my waaaaay!”

This was greeted with complete silence. The singing Chrysalis, who had her eyes closed upon landing, frowned and opened her eyes at the completely motionless and silence crowd. “What, that didn’t impress you? Did you know how much practice it took to get that right? Fine, I’ll offer more.” She cleared her throat.

“All the changelings are standing like statues!
All the ponies are standing like statues!
They don’t say a thing as they–”

“What in Equestria is going on?!” said an extremely frazzled Sunset.

“I’m making a dramatic singing entrance,” said the formerly singing Chrysalis. “Duh? I like to do that when I get back from vacations.” She took note of the other Chrysalis. “Oooh! Someone made a lifelike statue of me! Who did that?”

“I’m not a lifelike statue!” said the other Chrysalis. “Now seize this imposter!”

“And it talks, too!” said the other other Chrysalis. “You really outdid yourself, whoever you were! In the meantime, can–”

“Um,” said one of the changelings, “she’s not a statue. She’s claiming to be the real Chrysalis.”

“Oh,” said the Chrysalis who had been cut off, who to be clear is the one who entered while singing. “So, a fine game of spot the impostor, eh? In a case like this, should I lead with the whole ‘you should shoot us both to be safe’ or just trying to give answers only I would know? The latter seems less painful.”’

There was a brief pause, then most everyone shrugged. “Yeah, that’s the real one,” said one of the changelings, pointing to the Chrysalis that just talked.

“What the… why are you taking her side?” said the other Chrysalis angrily.

“Everything about her demeanor indicates she’s the real one,” said the changeling with another shrug.

“Oh, wait, I think I figured it out!” said the other other Chrysalis, hereafter known as Chrysalis-1. “You’re from some alternate universe where apparently you were out to take over Equestria or something like that, presumably failed, and without your knowledge got transferred to our universe, most likely in an accident involving cheese somehow, then didn’t realize what happened due to not leaving this area and not running into me, which caused you to think you went back in time and wanted to try the plan again, this time capturing first some of those who thwarted you the first time around, and no one corrected you because they thought it was some kind of joke, which then led up to the current situation in which I explained everything to you. It all fits, like how you’d want to try to take over a country I was already queen of.”

There was a pause as everyone absorbed this information. “I think that was a run-on sentence,” said Lightning Dust, which prompted stares. “I still have to fill in for Trixie until she’s back,” she added defensively.

“Good point!” said Chrysalis-1. “How about we let her go? Keeping them prisoner ruins the aesthetics of this place.”

“That’s what I said!” declared Suri.

Chrysalis-2, who had been silent for a brief time, took this moment to speak up. “Alternate universe?” she asked.

“That is what I said, yes,” said Chrysalis-1 dryly.

“How are you getting along with the ponies, then? You don’t look like you’ve been sharing love or whatever that nonsense was, because you’re all still black.”

“Oh that? That’s easy,” said Chrysalis-1 as she momentarily transformed into a much more colorful version of herself prior to changing back to her usual black self. “That whole colorful look might be the ‘normal’ form nowadays, but it also looks ridiculous. Who wants to look like the unholy child of Rainbow Dash and a deer?”

---

“Why do I suddenly feel an urge to punch Chrysalis?” wondered Rainbow Dash out loud.

“I think that’s a natural compulsive for those who have directed interacted with her,” said Soarin.

---

“So even if it’s not really the ‘natural’ state nowadays, we just stick around in these much less silly-looking black forms,” said Chrysalis-1. “After all, these holes are stylish!”

Discord suddenly appeared. “Did somebody say supercalifragilisticexpialidiscord?” he asked eagerly.

“None of us said anything like that,” said Sunset.

“Oh, good!” said Discord. “Because it would’ve sure felt weird if that was the case.”

“Wait, how in the world did you get in here with the fact the throne turns off all non-changeling magic?” asked Chrysalis-2.

“Oh, that?” said Chrysalis-1. “I keep that thing turned off. The power bill was insane when that thing was running.”

“That makes no… oh, wait a minute,” said Chrysalis-2. “This is all just some whacky dream I’m having. No wonder everything is so crazy. I’m sure I’ll wake up any moment now.”

“Okay, I have to address the elephant in the room,” said Discord. “And darn it, that line would’ve been a lot funnier if there had actually been an elephant in the room, but they can’t all be winners. But in the figurative sense of an elephant in the room, why are there two Chrysalises here?”

After one infodump that was extremely similar to the lengthy dialogue paragraph that Chrysalis-1 gave earlier this story…

“Ah!” said Discord. “This is easy enough to fix!” He snapped his fingers and Chrysalis-2 disappeared.

“Wait, what happened?” asked Chrysalis.

“Oh, you didn’t know?” said Discord. “I possess the power to, with the snap of a finger, transport anyone back to their own universe if they’re from another universe, have a name that starts with C, haven’t been in this universe for over a month, are a quadruped, and rarely eat soggy waffles.”

“What an oddly specific power,” said Sunset.

“Oh, I’ve got more!” said Discord. “I can also send individuals to alternate realities if it’s in the afternoon of the fifth Tuesday of an odd-numbered month and their names are no more than 7 letters and–”

“I lost interest,” said Sunset. “Anyway, now that this is all sorted out, any chance you could let us all go free?”

“Wait a minute!” said Chrysalis. “How do I know you’re not from an alternate reality too?”

“You know,” said Lightning Dust, “I actually was wondering about that. There’s been a few suspicious things, like when she’d slip up and admit to having been to alternate universes.”

“That’s because I have been to alternate universes, you idiot!” said Sunset.

“See?” said Lightning Dust. “She slipped up and admitted it again!”

“You went to that alternate universe too!”

“No, I didn’t,” said Lightning Dust. “That was Lightning Dust. I’m Trixie.” She paused. “Oops, I think I got too into character there. Never mind.”

“Not only has this adventure been a headache,” muttered Sunset, “but it ended up being completely pointless, because it all would’ve been resolved without our involvement.”

“Oh, nonsense!” declared Chrysalis. “If not for you keeping that alternate and significantly more lame version of myself in this room, I might not have encountered her at all and she would’ve continued her plan! After all, I was only here to practice my singing and was planning to leave afterwards. Speaking of which!” She turned to Discord. “Do you really think the right thing to do was blast her back to her own universe? What if she wreaks some sort of havoc there?”

“Oh, come on,” said Discord, “what’s the worst that would happen? That she’d, thinking this was all a dream, get some kind of inspiration from seeing alternate versions of us to make evil clones of her enemies?”

“That does sound lame enough that she might do it,” said Chrysalis. “Darn it, meeting such a lame version of myself is giving me major self-esteem issues. Reminds me of that whole incident with the bunnies.”

“You mean where you started off a war to draft us and then lost and had to sell off a bunch of stuff as reparations?” asked Suri.

“Oh, no, I made all that up,” said Chrysalis. “I called the whole thing off after you went off to the Crystal Empire, so no actual fighting occurred. I sold off all that stuff to help pay off some governmental debts; it was an important part of balancing the budget my first year. I’m kind of surprised none of you figured that out, considering the lack of any news about any such war.”

“Darn it,” said Discord, “I’m jealous. I wish I could do retcons as well as you can.”

“I’ve been taking a correspondence course!” said Chrysalis cheerfully.

“Why in the world did you tell us what you started up that war and sold things to pay off reparations, then?” demanded Sunset.

“Because it was funny,” said Chrysalis. “Also, now that I think about it, that whole thing had nothing to do with self-esteem issues, so I’m not sure how that came to mind. Anyway, I just realized based on that anecdote that I have no reason to suffer self-esteem issues because I’m just that awesome.”

It’s so depressing to know this is apparently the good version of Chrysalis, thought Sunset to herself.

“Anyway,” continued Chrysalis, “now can we fix the aesthetics by getting these three out of this whole gooey sac thingies?”

“On it!” said Discord as he snapped his fingers and the aforementioned gooey sac thingies disappeared. However, with nothing hold them up, the three then crashed into the floor. “Another flawless rescuing!” he declared.

“I think I sprained my leg,” said Trixie as she got up.

“Again,” said Discord, “a flawless rescuing.”

Starlight rubbed her head. “What exactly happened? So much seems like a blur. The last thing I remember was having this weird dream where Luna showed up.”

“Wait, where was Luna through all of this anyway?” asked Gilda.

“Oh, just vacation time,” said Chrysalis.

“Can I get an answer to my question about what happened?” said Starlight.

One exposition dump later…

“Huh,” said Trixie. “I guess that explains it all.”

“Well, I guess everything is nicely resolved, then!” said Chyrsalis. “Good thing this didn’t go too far. I’m actually a bit grateful you decided to go on this ill-conceived plan to try to figure out what was going on all by yourself without telling anyone!”

“Uh-oh,” said Flim.

“‘Uh-oh’?” said Chrysalis. “Are you saying that you sent someone else, possibly Sunburst, to go tell the leader of some foreign country, possibly Shining Armor, and that this could therefore lead to some kind of armed conflict?”

“How does she guess these things so easily?” wondered Flam.

“Only one thing to do!” declared Chrysalis. “Discord, you warp over there and explain the situation before anything goes too far. Needless armed conflict could really hurt my approval rating and cause other bad things to happen.”

“Uh, I kind of got banished from the Crystal Empire for a while,” said Discord. “Can you ask me again in a month or so when the banishment is over?”

“Since when did you care so much about following the rules?”

“Hey, I’ll have you know those Discord-proof glasses they’ve got are really annoying to deal with!” said Discord.

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Fine. Just send someone else there.”

And so all misunderstandings were cleared up, thereby making that setup of Sunburst going to the Crystal Empire utterly irrelevant. Also, in recognition of their (sort of) heroic deeds, Sunset and the others got acorns and a racecart. Which might sound lame, but due to an acorn shortage they were able to make a good amount of money from selling the acorns.

“Hey, I just realized something!” said Flam after they all reached their home castle. “If changelings can just share love or whatever, then what was with that mention of how they were all taking it from convicted criminals that were trapped in cocoons? You said that to us soon after that whole business with the vines.”

“Oh, that,” said Lightning Dust. “We were wrong about that when we told you, sorry.”

“Probably shouldn’t have assumed that everything in the ‘Totally True and Honest Guide to Changeling Culture (Not Made-Up Facts)’ pamphlet was accurate,” said Trixie. “In retrospect, the part where it claimed changelings have a hive mind really should’ve tipped us off that it wasn’t correct.”

“Well, then why didn’t you tell us you were wrong after you found out?” asked Flim.

“We forgot to,” said Lightning Dust.

“Hrm,” said Flam. “Sounds plausible.”

“Oooh!” said Discord as he suddenly appeared, “did you guys take the same correspondence course Chrysalis did?”

“Do you just listen to everypony in the world constantly order to pop up like this?” asked Suri.

“Oh, certainly not,” said Discord. “That would be such a headache. And beyond my power. I just happened to be in the next room and overheard you, and teleporting myself is much faster than walking.”

“But then why were you in the next room?”

“Oh, please,” said Discord. “If I stopped to think of why I did things before I did them, I’d never do anything at all.”

“Well, can you go someplace else, then?” asked Sunset wearily.

“That sounds like a great idea!” declared Discord as he snapped his fingers and disappeared. A pause resulted.

“So, uh, is that it?” asked Gilda. “We’re done with this whole thing for now?”

“I think we need a witty quip to close out this adventure!” declared Trixie.

There was a pause.

“You’ve got nothing?” asked Lightning Dust.

“I’ve got nothing,” said Trixie.

“Wait, didn’t we have this conversation before?” said Gilda. “It seems familiar.”

“Did we?” asked Trixie. “Do you remember when?”

“Hrmmmm,” said Gilda as she thought about it. There was a pause.

“You’ve got nothing?” asked Trixie.

“I’ve got nothing,” said Gilda.