My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd

by Lord Seth

Manehattan Made

It was a dark and stormy night. Or rather, it would have been, if not for the fact it was the middle of the day and there were no clouds in the sky. “What a nice day!” declared Lightning Dust.

Lightning Dust’s outer monologue was interrupted by her cutie mark suddenly shining. “Huh,” she said. “That’s new. Is it a sign I’m gaining superpowers?”

Lightning Dust saw a doctor, who assured her that she was not, in fact, gaining superpowers, but to come back in several days if the problem had not disappeared. Dejected, she went back to the castle to do what she often did in times like this: Complain about the situation to Sunset. However, much to her surprise, Sunset’s cutie mark was also glowing. “Why is your cutie mark glowing?” asked Lightning Dust.

Sunset started to answer, but was momentarily interrupted by Lightning Dust. “I can tell you that you’re probably not gaining superpowers, if that’s what you were wondering about.”

“No, I did not think it was giving me superpowers,” said Sunset. “It’s a sign that we should look at the map.”

“Really?” asked Lightning Dust. “It didn’t happen last time.”

“Because we were all in the room at the time,” said Sunset. “And when it happened the second time, you were out of town, so you weren’t aware of it then. Though it would be nice if you remembered considering I told you about it afterwards.”

“I often kind of zone out when you’re talking,” said Lightning Dust. “I might have missed it.”

“Are you at least listening now?” asked Sunset.

“Listening? Oh, yeah, sure,” said Lightning Dust in an absentminded tone.

I can’t tell if she’s messing with me or is being serious, thought Sunset to herself. “Well, in any case, let’s go take a look.”

The two went to look at the map, where their cutie marks were hovering over Manehattan.

“Did you really have to drag me here?” asked Lightning Dust. “Couldn’t you have just said the cutie marks were floating above Manehattan?”

“Manehattan is a big city!” said Sunset. “I was hoping maybe you had more clue where the money-making tip was supposed to lead us!”

“Are you sure this thing leads us to where we could make money?” asked Lightning Dust. “Maybe that’s just coincidental.”

“Whoever was sent to the previous places ended up richer as a result,” said Sunset. “But, hey, if you don’t want some extra cash…”

“Actually, I’m not really strapped for that,” said Lightning Dust. “My net worth is actually rather high.”

“How high?” asked Sunset.

“Hrm,” said Lightning Dust as she took out a pen, some paper, then did some calculations before circling a number. “According to my calculations, it’s this.” She held it up.

“Wait,” said Sunset, “you’re that rich? You’ve got all this cash? Why didn’t you ever give any to me?”

“I don’t think you ever asked,” said Lightning Dust.

“I didn’t think you had that much money!”

“Why wouldn’t the owner of half of the world’s most popular comic franchise have a high net worth?” asked Lightning Dust.

“Well, now I am asking,” said Sunset. “Can I have some of that?”

“Well, the truth is, while I might be worth a lot, it’s not really liquid assets,” said Lightning Dust. “It’s all based on my equity.”

“Whatever!” said Sunset. “I guess there’s no point in going if we don’t even know where to look!”

“Hrm,” said Lightning Dust. “Did you try checking the instruction manual? Maybe there’s a zoom option.”

“It didn’t come with an instruction manual!” said Sunset. “Remember?”

“Do you remember the part I said about often zoning out when you’re talking?” said Lightning Dust. “That might have been when you said it. When I was zoning out, I mean.”

Sunset muttered to herself in a frustrated tone.

“Did you check the refrigerator?” suggested Lightning Dust.

“Why would it be in the refrigerator?” asked Sunset.

“Trixie told me that was where the instruction manual for that portal ended up being,” said Lightning Dust. “Maybe you’d find it for this as well.”

“It would be incredibly stupid if it turned out to be in the refrigerator of all places,” said Sunset.

A short time later…

“I can’t decide if it being in the freezer was more or less stupid than the possibility of being in the refrigerator,” said Sunset.

“Okay!” said Lightning Dust as she inspected the manual. “It looks like this is the instruction manual for an older version of the map, so it might be a bit out of date on some parts. Like when it suggests contacting Clover the Clever for troubleshooting.”

“Does it at least mention a zoom in function?” asked Sunset wearily.

“Uh, let’s see,” said Lightning Dust as she flipped through the book. “It says ‘zoom in function currently unavailable. This will be added in the next update.’ So I’m guessing that because this is dated, a zoom in function was added at some point later and would be included in our map.”

“That’s not particularly useful if it doesn’t tell us where it is! Is it a button or something? If so, where?”

“Maybe it’s voice commands,” said Lightning Dust. She turned to the map. “Uh… zoom in?” Nothing happened. “Hrm. Maybe it’s a different command?”

“What would it be besides ‘zoom in’?” asked Sunset. “Boom in?”

At that, a small fireworks display suddenly appeared above the map before disappearing. “I’m not sure if that’s more or less stupid than if that had caused it to zoom in,” said Sunset.

“Wait!” said Lightning Dust. “I’ve got it! Remember back when Chrysalis was telling you about it? She remarked that ‘the tree was probably a bit dyslexic. It’s my understanding that’s a common problem for them.’ Remember that?”

“Wait, how did you even know that conversation?” asked Sunset. “You weren’t even in the room!”

“Gilda was there, and she told me,” said Lightning Dust.

“I was on a cell phone!”

“Gilda has very good hearing.”

“Fine!” said Sunset. “What’s your point? The tree is dyslexic. So what?”

“Well, first,” said Lightning Dust as she cleared her throat, “I need to make it clear that this is not meant to make fun of dyslexia at all, nor is it a particularly accurate depiction of such. Dyslexia is a legitimate learning disability that some suffer from, and it is wrong to mock them for–”

“What are you doing?” asked Sunset.

“Treating my life as if it were a Mare Do Well comic,” said Lightning Dust. “That’s totally the sort of thing she would say.”

“Just get to the point.”

Lightning Dust sighed. “How about just saying ‘in zoom’?”

The map suddenly zoomed in. Sunset stared at it in shock. “Wait, that worked?” she asked incredulously. After a short pause, she added, “The real question is, why am I even surprised at this point?”

“Surprised that I figured it out?” asked Lightning Dust.

“No,” said Sunset. “Surprised that the solution was something that seemed incredibly stupid.”

“Oh, please,” said Lightning Dust. “Stupid is in the eye of the beholder! It’s all subjective!”

“That is one of the stupidest things I have heard,” said Sunset.

“Exactly!” said Lightning Dust. “You think it’s stupid, but that’s just your subjective opinion.”

“Okay, I’m going to cut this painful conversation short,” said Sunset. “Let’s just go to this place already and do our stuff so that I can maybe get some more cash out of this.”

“Sounds great!” said Lightning Dust. “It feels like we never get to hang out together without the company of the rest of our group! It’ll be just you and me, two friends against the world in an effort to maximize our profits!”

“I think the word ‘friend’ is a bit of a stretch,” said Sunset.

“Two semi-friends against the world in an effort to maximize our profits!” said Lightning Dust.

“Good enough,” muttered Sunset.

One trip to Manehattan later…

“Okay!” said Lightning Dust. “According to this map I took from a highly trustworthy source, we should be looking for the Manehattan Park!”

“What was this ‘highly trustworthy’ source?” asked Sunset.

“It was highly trustworthy!” said Lightning Dust. “Let’s go! The park should be… right in front of us.” Lightning Dust put down the map and saw there was a big sign saying ‘Welcome to Manehattan Park!’ In smaller text underneath, ‘Not to be Confused with Man Hating Pork’ was added. “See? I told you the map was highly trustworthy!”

The two entered the park, only to find it in a massive state of disrepair. “Maybe there’s gold hidden here somewhere that hasn’t been noticed because of the state of disrepair?” suggested Sunset.

“Hrm,” said Lightning Dust. “Well, if I were a professional detective in charge of figuring this out…”

There was a pause. “Are you going to finish that sentence?” asked Sunset.

“Well, it’s hard to do, because I’m not a professional detective,” said Lightning Dust. “If I were, I’d have the knowledge necessary to figure out what to do. But if I had to wing it, I’d guess we look in… that direction!”

Lightning Dust pointed to the right. The two turned and saw absolutely nothing interesting.

“Okay, let’s try… that direction!” said Lightning Dust as she pointed to the left. Again nothing interesting was shown.

“Well, let’s try… that direction!” said Lightning Dust as she pointed to the right.

“You’re just pointing in the same direction you did in the first suggestion!” said Sunset. “You just turned right, then left, then right again, so you end up facing the same direction.”

“Hrm, maybe you’d be a good professional detective,” said Lightning Dust. “What’s your suggestion?”

“Um…” said Sunset uncertainly.

“I’ve got it!” declared Lightning Dust. “We should go find a professional detective to do it for us!”

Sunset picked up a pamphlet. “Hrm, maybe this has something to do with it. ‘Please help us to restore our long-lost but beloved tradition, the Midsummer Theater Revival. Blah blah guest performance by local theater troupe, blah blah attempt to bring neighbors together, blah blah sense of community, blah blah need help.’ There’s some contact information on it. Apparently the one in charge is somepony named Coco Pommel.”

“Let’s do it!” said Lightning Dust. “Let’s blah blah attempt to bring neighbors together!”

“‘Blah blah attempt to bring neighbors together’?” asked Sunset.

Lightning Dust shrugged. “It’s what you said.”

“Okay, fine,” said Sunset. “More importantly, how would trying to restore a sense of community get us any extra cash?”

Lightning Dust shrugged again. “I didn’t expect overthrowing Starlight to get us gold, either. Let’s go! Seriously, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“That it could all be a trap by aliens that would abduct us, dissect us to death in a slow and torturous fashion, and then use the knowledge they gained to wipe out all life on Equestria,” said Sunset.

Lightning Dust stared at her.

“You asked,” said Sunset.

---

“All right,” said Sunset as they approached the apartment door, “you let me do the talking.”

“Why can’t I do the talking?” asked Lightning Dust.

“Because you’d probably mess it up,” said Sunset.

“Why do you think I would mess it up?”

“Because you mess things up all the time,” said Sunset.

“Like when?” asked Lightning Dust.

“Like right now,” said Sunset, “when you’re messing up my plan to go and open that door.”

While Lightning Dust tried to puzzle this statement out, Sunset went up to the door and knocked. After a short wait, a light amberish gray-coated earth pony with light cyan eyes and a partially pale, light grayish cyan and partially light opalish gray mane answered the door. “Hello?” she asked.

“Are you Coco Pommel?” asked Sunset.

“Yes?” she said. “Uh-oh. This isn’t about those beans, is it?”

“Um… no,” said Sunset as she held out the flyer. “It’s about this flyer we happened to see.”

“Phew,” said Coco Pommel in relief. “I was starting to worry that I distributed those leaflets in the wrong part of the city, because I wasn’t getting any responses.”

“However, I did have a question,” said Sunset. “What is this Midsummer Theater Revival it mentions that apparently is the reason for fixing up the park?”

“How about we continue this conversation inside?” suggested Coco Pommel. “It feels awkward to just stand here talking about it.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Lightning Dust, “we often end up standing around having conversations while doing nothing. It’s kind of our thing.” She shut up after a quick glare from Sunset, and the two went into the apartment.

“So, what is that Midsummer Theater Revival?” asked Sunset after they had all sat down.

“An outdoor play held at the community park,” said Coco as she showed the two some pictures of such a performance when she was younger. “Many moons ago, local theater troupes would perform, and ponies in the neighborhood would help make the costumes and design set pieces, prepare food to share during the performance.”

“And what happened to stop it?”

“Charity Kindheart, a well-known costume designer on Bridleway, started it up originally,” said Coco. “But later she moved away to be closer to her grandfillies, the neighborhood lost the special tradition she had started, and worse, the sense of community it fostered. I’ve been trying to take her place, but I’ve just gotten a last-minute request to alter costumes for the cast of My Fair Filly, and I'm afraid I haven't made much progress. This seamstress named Rarity was initially helping me, but just her wasn’t enough, and she got an incredibly large order and hasn’t been able to offer much assistance.”

“That name sounds familiar for some reason,” said Sunset.

“In any case,” said Coco with a sigh, “there’s a lot to do in order to bring it all back, and my flyers haven’t attracted any volunteers.”

“So you just need to get volunteers to help out and make the park and stage decent?” asked Lightning Dust.

“Yes, but even with the two of you, there’s so much work to do that–” she started before getting interrupted.

“No problem!” said Lightning Dust. “Let’s go to the park!” She sped off, breaking through the side of the building in the process. Sunset and Coco stared off at the hole in the wall.

“Just for the record,” said Sunset, “I’m pretty sure I’m not legally liable for that.”

---

The three gazed at the very broken down park. “This might take longer than I thought,” said Sunset.

“The Method Mares are coming to the park tomorrow for a costume fitting and rehearsal,” said Coco. “And I still need to finish the costumes.”

“Why did the Tree of Whatever decide to send us now rather than, I don’t know, a week or longer ago when we would’ve actually had time to fix this?” asked Sunset. “Is the tree a procrastinator?

“The Tree of Whatever?” said Coco.

“Don’t ask,” said Sunset.

“Ha!” said Lightning Dust. “I’ve already figured out a solution! Many hooves make light work, so we just have to get a lot of others to help us out and it’ll be fixed in no time!”

“But how are we going to do that when I wasn’t able to?” asked Coco.

“Because,” said Lightning Dust, “you don’t have what I do!” Lightning Dust held up a megaphone.

“I don’t think that a megaphone will suddenly make everypony want to help,” said Sunset.

“Oh, I wasn’t referring to the megaphone,” said Lightning Dust. “I meant this.” Lightning Dust went to the outside of the park and held up the megaphone. “HI, EVERYPONY! IF YOU VOLUNTEER TO HELP FIX UP THE PARK, YOU’LL GET FREE TICKETS TO AN ADVANCE SCREENING OF THE UPCOMING MARE DO WELL MOVIE!”

A mad stampede of ponies suddenly ran into the park. A very pleased-looking Lightning Dust flew back to Sunset and Coco and then landed next to them. “See? No problem.”

“Yes, that was… very impressive,” said Coco. “While you take care of this, I’m going to have to finish those outfits.”

“I have to admit,” said Sunset after Coco left, “that was a great idea.”

“Good!” said Lightning Dust. “Since I’ve clearly done my part, now it’s up to you to take charge of the cleaning effort to make sure it’s all done in a neat and orderly fashion.”

“Why should I be the one to do it?” asked Sunset.

“Because according to you, I mess things up all the time?”

“Fine,” said Sunset reluctantly.

One cleaning up later…

“Everything looks great!” said Coco. “I have to hand it to you two; you managed to completely solve the problem. Working together even caused everypony to believe more in the community, too, cure the apathy that perpetrated the city.”

“So, I assume for our effort, we’ll get a reasonable percentage of ticket sales?” said Sunset.

Coco appeared confused. “Ticket sales?”

“Yes,” said Sunset flatly, “the act of selling tickets.”

“Oh, we don’t sell tickets,” said Coco. “Admission is free.”

“Admission is free?” asked Sunset in disbelief.

“Indeed!” said Coco. “It’s to demonstrate the importance of community!”

“Then how in the world do you even afford the actors?”

“We usually got them to volunteer,” said Coco. “You’d be surprised how willing they can be able to do so in order to make themselves look good and sell more tickets elsewhere.”

“Well that’s just great!” said Sunset. “How are we supposed to get anything out of this?”

“Hey, I got great exposure for Mare Do Well!” said Lightning Dust. “I’m fine with how everything turned out.”

“Well, I’m not!” snapped Sunset. “What, was I supposed to find some stockbrokers’ tip hidden somewhere in the park? Was that how I’d get some cash?”

“That sounds incredibly stupid,” said Lightning Dust.

“It does,” said Sunset. After a paused, she added, “Well, I’m off to look for a stockbrokers’ tip hidden somewhere in this park.”

“Why?” asked Coco.

“Because based on previous experience, it would turn out to be something like that,” said Sunset.

“Sorry,” said Lightning Dust, “I kind of zoned out there. What did you say you were going to do?”

Sunset stared at Lightning Dust briefly, then walked off.

“Whoops, zoned out again,” said Lightning Dust. “Did she answer my question?”

As much as I appreciate the help, thought Coco to herself, these two are weird.

After a considerable amount of searching, Sunset was unable to find a stockbrokers’ tip hidden somewhere in the park, although she did find several priceless gems and heirlooms. Unfortunately, to her dismay, the ‘priceless’ part turned out to mean they had no worth at all.

“So,” said Lightning Dust after Sunset returned, “any luck?”

“No,” said Sunset. “I’m going to be annoyed if I came all the way here without anything to show for it.”

“Well, did you try reading a Mare Do Well comic?” said Lightning Dust.

“How would that help?”

“I don’t know,” said Lightning Dust. “However, I wouldn’t complain about having another reader!”

“Wait a minute,” said Sunset. “That’s it! I’ve got it!”

“You got inspiration from Mare Do Well?”

“No, that was stupid and had nothing to do with my idea,” said Sunset. “It was just coincidence you showed it to me when I came up with my idea. Anyway, I’ve got stuff to do.” She ran off.

---

“Well, I’ll admit it,” said Lightning Dust. “That was a decent enough play. Though I do think the script could have used some tweaking, the acting was overly broad, the set design was subpar, the songs were a bit off key, and the props look like they came from a discount costume store. But other than all of that, good play.” She looked around and saw no one was listening to her. “Uh-oh, I’m talking to myself. Isn’t that supposed to be a sign of insanity? I’m not going insane, am I?”

Lightning Dust rushed over to Sunset. “Sunset! I’m not going insane, am I?”

“I am not sure how to respond to that question,” said Sunset. “Though I will say you have a tendency to drive others insane.”

Lightning Dust appeared confused. “Like who?”

“Like me!”

“You’re insane?” asked Lightning Dust. “You know, I always did think there was something not quite right with you…”

“You know what?” asked Sunset. “I am in too good of a mood to let your inanity ruin it.”

“Oh, your plan to make money was a success?”

“Oh, very much so,” said Sunset. “Who cares if the tickets were free? The real money in theater is in the concessions!”

If this were in script format, it would say the camera zoomed out to reveal Sunset was in a concession stand. However, it is not, and will therefore instead be expressed thusly:

“Oh,” said Lightning Dust as she looked at the concession stand Sunset was standing in. “So that was your plan to make money? Sell concessions at the play?”

“I told you it was!”

“Maybe I zoned out again,” said Lightning Dust.

“I’m still refusing to let this ruin my good mood,” said Sunset. “But let’s get out of this city and back to Ponyville before something does ruin my good mood.”

“You mean like the fact that after taxes, you won’t have made quite as much money as you think you did?”

“Yes,” said Sunset in a frustrated tone, “like that.”

Later, in the map room in Ponyville…

“Oh, by the way,” said Lightning Dust. “I just realized I never asked where you got all those concessions from to begin with.”

“I just purchased a lot from Flim and Flam at wholesale price,” said Sunset.

“I’m surprised they sold it to you at that price.”

“Did you zone out at the part where I said I purchased a lot?” asked Sunset. “That’s how wholesale works!”

Just then, Lightning Dust’s cutie mark started flashing again. “Huh,” she said, “another tip from the map?” She looked over and saw the map wasn’t activated. “That’s odd. Why is it flashing if there’s no map?”

And so Lightning Dust went to the doctor again. After several tests, the doctor declared that it was a side effect of radiation exposure that caused her to gain superpowers.

“Oh boy!” said Lightning Dust. “What superpowers?”

“The ability to realize that this is just a dream sequence,” said the doctor.

“I’m not sure I understand–” started Lightning Dust before she was cut off by waking up. “Aw, just a dream? I guess I’ll do what I usually do in times like this: Complain about the situation to Sunset.”

Later…

“I had the weirdest dream,” said Lightning Dust. “We both went to Manehattan and helped fix up the park.”

“Lightning Dust, that did happen,” said Sunset.

“Even the part where my cutie mark started glowing again and I got superpowers afterwards?”

“No,” said Sunset. “Not that part. I think you dreamed that.”

“Did I dream the part where you sold a bunch of concessions?” asked Lightning Dust.

“No,” said Sunset. “That happened.”

“What about–”

“I don’t care! You figure it out!”

And so Lightning Dust tried to figure it out. After a short period of time, she got bored and stopped. As did this chapter.

Comments

[Razzy]

These two... I'm surprised it didn't end in a gigantic disaster.

I guess Lightning would zone out even if her life depended on paying attention.