Harmonic Light

by BloodHive1998

Prologue: Their Origin Part 1

Ten thousand years before Nightmare Moon
Six Unicorns ran through the darkness that was their world.
"Claw, where are we going?" a black coated Unicorn asked as she followed the Stallion in front of her.
"As far away from them as possible." the red stallion that was 'Claw' said as he glanced behind him at the five ponies following.
The black Unicorn that had spoken was 'Shadow'. The other four were 'Night' 'Storm' 'Blaze' and 'Silver'. Their coats were blue, grey, dark orange, and silver respectively.

It was only about and hour later that the six found an old cave and hid in it. They did their best to make it more like a home as they talked about their trip and how they had managed to meet each other. Claw and Shadow had met while facing a foalhood friend of theirs who had decided to side with the evils of the world. They had run from said evils two days after that and met with the other four by accident (which resulted in a short battle out of fear). Night, Storm, Blaze, and Silver had made a group when they were young (before getting their marks) The group was called the Destiny Hunters (which was basically a predecessor to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.) After their short battle, as well as some explanation, the DH (Destiny Hunters) had teamed up with Claw and Shadow before all of them ran, fighting several different groups of evil ponies on their way before getting a long break that lead them to their current location.
"I can see that your efforts weren't in vain." Claw said, referring to their group, as he looked at the four ponies and their Destiny Marks (Cutie Marks) for the first time. Night's was thousands of stars with dark purple energy connecting them. Storm's was a yellow circle with waves in it, indicating a magic aura, though it also had some electricity striking off it. Blaze's was black fire, a powerful Black Magic spell. Silver's consisted of the interlocking crescent moons with red magic dripping off each tip. Claw then glanced at his and Shadow's Destiny Marks. His was red spiked vines wrapping around a sphere of yellow magic. Shadows was a misty haze with a pony cowering in fear within the haze.
"What do your Destiny Marks stand for?" Shadow asked.
"Skill in magic." they all summarized.
"Same for us." Shadow smiled.
"Hmm, I've got an idea." Claw said.
"Yes?"
"We all want to end this evil that we've grown up with right?" Claw asked
Everypony nodded
"We're all destined to be strong magic users right?"
Again, they all nodded.
"Then how about we use our combined magic to create something to stop these evils?"
They all cheered at the idea.

The group silently approached one of the few outposts that had ponies fighting against the evils. As they came closer, several guards in worn battle armor stepped in their way.
"State your business!" one of the guards yelled.
"We are simply here to find a volunteer for our plans to stop the evils of this world." Claw said.
"Why should I trust you?"
"Weather you wish to trust us or not, we really only wish to help your cause. All six of us are powerful Unicorns and we need a pony willing to sacrifice themselves to aid us in the creation of something to defeat the evils."
At that moment, a Unicorn stepped out of the boundaries of the outpost and walked up to the group.
"I'll come with you." she said.
"Thank you, we must head to the next outpost as we need eight different ponies to do this, not including us." Shadow said kindly.

The next place they went to was a fortress that was in the clouds. The outpost had a large banner depicting a set of outspread Pegasus wings and a spear in the center. It was a Pegasus outpost.
The six main Unicorns used their magic to replicate Pegasus Magic and allow all seven of them to stand on a cloud that they then levitated up to the fortress.
Storm was the one to knock on the large doors that lead into the Pegasi's fortress. A blue Pegasus in metallic armor was the one to open the doors, she instantly took on a defensive stance as a stallion with a yellow coat walked up.
"What brings you here Mage?" the stallion asked angrily, the different races weren't exactly friendly with each other.
"We came seeking a Pegasus willing to sacrifice their life to end the evils of our world, none of us mean any harm." Storm said.
"State your name."
"My name is Storm, my parents wanted me to have a Pegasus name. We're planning to use our combined magic to create something to help us end these evils, but we're in need of a willing sacrifice from all the races."
"How will their sacrifice earn you what you want!?"
"We need something that's, umm, well there isn't any real word for it, but something the represents the opposite of evil. What better something then the combined magic of all races?"
"Forget it." The stallion slammed the door, but two seconds later, the mare flew threw the wall, grabbing the cloud the Unicorns were on and flying away as fast as possible.
"I'm willing to follow!" she yelled

The seven Unicorns and one Pegasus were staring at a large structure of nature. The places was made of large rocks jutting from the ground with black, thick, vines acting as a defense.
Night was the one to knock.
"What is it!" an Earth-Pony stallion asked in anger.
"My name is Night, we're here to ask if one of your ponies are willing to sacrifice their lives so that we can defeat the evils of our world. We already have volunteers from our own Unicorns and the Pegasi." Night said.
Like with the others, a mare happen to over hear this and volunteered.
The group then went to the Alicorns, Changelings, Dracorns (a race similar to Unicorns, but with slitted eyes, a nocturnal nature, a carnivorous diet, and a flame breath that acts as a spreading spell with the spell it's used for effecting everything it burns), Bat-Ponies, and Nightmares (A race similar to Earth-Ponies, but with dragon-like eyes, a darker shadow that moves on its own, an ability to enter the dream world, sharp teeth, and a completely different kind of innate magic.)

Claw and his group sat in a circle around the eight pony races. Each race was facing a different direction and siting in-front of a symbol drawn in their blood that was the name of their race.
"You're all aware that there is literally no possible way you're going to live through this correct?" Claw asked, hi horn igniting in a less stable red magic (Dark Magic)
"We came here knowing we'd die." was the only response the eight gave.
The other five Unicorns that were casting the spell lit up their horns in the same Dark Magic as they began weaving the complex spell, their auras slowly fading to their normal aura colors and stability. The volunteers let out small yelps as the powerful magic began swirling around and inside them. The runes on the ground glowed with a white magic that soon turned into a rainbow of bright colors and floated upward in the form of an eight pointed star. The bodies of the volunteers vanished, ;leaving behind white, semi-transparent, replicas that began to get sucked into the star. As the last wisps of the eight entered the star, a white light blinded the six that had cast the spell. The light condensed into a sphere that was semi-transparent, a figure could be seen within it. The figure looked like a Pegasus at first before a horn visibly formed and the figure grew considerably. When the figure stopped growing, it was easily six times the size of its creators (About one and a half times Celestia's size). The figure, and the sphere around it, floated to the ground with the figure placing its hoofs on the ground. The sphere faded to reveal a large light-crystal-blue Alicorn mare with a flowing white mane, golden eyes, and a white eight-pointed star Destiny Mark. The mare looked down with a strong kindness in her eyes as the six Unicorns bowed.
"You may rise." she said kindly, this was followed by the group rising. "My name is Harmony, why have you created me?" the mare, revealed to be named Harmony, added.
"We wish for you to end the evils of our world, as we've all suffered losses to them." Claw said.

Author's Note:

This is the first part to this section of the Prologue.

I will mention now that the blood of each pony race is a different color. The race and the color of its blood are bellow
Alicorn: Rainbow
Changeling: Inverted Rainbow
Unicorn: Yellow
Dracorn: Blue
Pegasus: Gold
Bat-Pony: Silver
Earth-Pony: White
Nightmare: Black

that's really all I feel is necessary to explain in this chapter. Also don't forget to comment.

Comments

[Bed Head]

Yeah, so how should I put this...

This opening chapter left me... confused. Which isn't surprising given everything you've dumped in right from the get-go.

I'm not gonna be one to cry foul about your idea. Exploring a potential creation story for the original Elements of Harmony sounds interesting. The idea that there's some sort of spirit or intelligence behind them is practically canonical itself. The major issue seems to be that you aren't really exploring this idea. It's just background.

You've thrown out a ton of information about how these spirits of the Elements work, the force that created them, and this seventh element (Light). These are interesting ideas that could be rife with story potential! How did the unicorns create this Harmony being? What must it have been like for her and her daughters (the Elements) to be trying to protect the ponies? Or when they first bonded themselves to mortal ponies to fight against evil?

But you're not doing that, oh no. All this potential is brushed aside because it's just the backstory for Spectrum Light.

I've gotta warn you right now, Seventh Element stories tend to get a lot of instant hate on this site. I'm one to believe you can make a good story out of anything... but the major reason that a lot of Seventh Element stories fail is because they don't give the "Seventh Element" a real place in the world. It's just forced in, often with some new threat that nobody remembers that the Seventh Element is needed to defeat. If you want to write a story that involves adding another Element of Harmony then fine, but such a concept really needs to be explored! The stories of this Element need to be in-depth and detailed, played out in the writing for the reader to witness, not just crammed into the narration right before the tail end of a fight scene.

The way it's shaping up, you're making the same cardinal mistake as other Seventh Element authors. You didn't make the Element to try and add something to the lore of the world itself, or to explore the possibilities behind an Equestria founded around seven pillars of virtue instead of six. You made this Element so that your fan character could have an instant bond to the Mane Six and therefore have an excuse to become friends with them and show off to the canon characters how awesome your fan character is. And at the end that's the first major thing that's going to hold this story back.

So, I'm afraid that's what's earning this story my down vote. A part of me, however, would like to keep an eye on this story. I'm reasonably certain I know exactly how it's going to play out from here... but every story deserves a chance, so I'll give this one a shot at surprising me.

[BloodHive1998]

5138224 I'd first like to start with what I say towards all negative comments towards my stories. I write these because I like to, not to gain recognition in the fandom.

To me it feels like you're making assumptions. I actually have no intentions of creating an op OC (It feels like that is what you're implying I'm going to do). This aside, I do intend to explore some of the aspects you've spoken of throughout the story.
I'll be honest though, I've never actually read any other seventh element stories.

Thanks for your review and I'll take what you've said into acount.

[Dementia Ravenmane]

Okay, I read this thing because the rating enticed me. Because that's what I do, I read poorly rated things for shits and giggles.

However, this story, or rather chapter, made me frustrated. Let me explain why.

First: let's go over the bad things, because they're easy to manage.
*Your grammar could use some work, there are some misspelled words and you're mixing different ways to separate paragraphs.
*You're rushing the story too hard, way too much happened in the first chapter. Give the story and characters time to develop and grow on the reader, otherwise it'll just fall flat on its face.
*Infodumping. You're going heavily with telling over showing. This makes the narrative stilted and breaks the flow. I'd recommend not devoting entire paragraphs of narrative to describing characters, but rather to spread it out over the entire story and incorporate it into the flow so to say.
*The characters aren't memorable. This may be because we're just in the Prologue so far, but none of the characters save for Light seem to be much more than cardboard cutouts.

The good things:
*The premise is interesting. I want to know what happens next.
*I can tell that you're genuinely trying. This isn't some half-assed shovelware, you're actually trying to write something enjoyable and epic.
*The dialogue is a good mix between natural and cheesy, I had a few good laughs here.

See what makes me so frustrated? I like the premise and overall idea, I really do. But your execution is just keeping me from enjoying the story. With maybe some minor adjustments to the plot, better pacing, a proofreader or two and maybe even an editor, I think this can become a pretty good story. But as it stands right now, the state of the actual story is too bad for me to enjoy it, sorry.

But keep it up, if you make sure to improve I'm sure you'll go somewhere. I'll make sure to track this story, in hope of you continuing it.

--Dementia Ravenmane, 2014-10-14, 15:44

[BloodHive1998]

5139078 I write these because I like to, not to gain recognition in the fandom.
Sorry, that's just a small thing I make sure others know. (At the bottom of this comment is a little more explanation of what I mean by this)

I do agree that I put way too much information into the first chapter (I'm actually likely to revise it into a few chapters to fix this, but I'm not sure just yet, mostly because I'm usually terrible at chapters that balance both explanation and dialogue)

I think the main reason for misspelled words would be that I forgot to read over the chapter both in the editor and out of it to spot those (Granted I still sometimes miss mistakes). I honestly try to eliminate spelling errors.

You are mostly correct on the characters not being that memorable at the moment as I intend to show their personalities throughout the story.

As for the problem with paragraph separation, that was mostly because I had to make changes to get the story submitted, future chapters will have my normal and mostly linear separation

Thanks for the review, I'll try to get around to fixing those problems the best I can.
Don't worry about me not continuing the story, as I stated at the beginning of this comment, I write because I enjoy it, while I appreciate others helping me find and fix my mistakes, I never allow somepony's opinion to deter me from writing the story.

[Dementia Ravenmane]

5140195 Writing fanfiction to get fame is a ridiculous idea in the first place anyways, I automatically assume all authors on the site write for better reasons.

Do you have a proofreader and/or editor? You could probably use one, just like pretty much everyone on this site, myself included.
Proof-reading, Pre-reading And Editing, Looking for Editors, Struggling Authors and The Proofreader Group are good places to look.

If you have more questions, feel free to send me a PM and we'll discuss it.

--Dementia Ravenmane, 2014-10-15, 11:13

[BloodHive1998]

5142623 no I don't have one

[BloodHive1998]

5138224 If you don't mind me asking. How do most seventh element stories play out?
I don't like being the same as others so knowing how other seventh element stories play out would allow me to avoid doing exactly the same

[deadpansnarker]

"Let's go with this bunch of random ponies that we've never even seen before, who say that in return for us killing ourselves and taking us away from our friends and families FOREVER, they make some vague comment about helping to defeat an evildoer!! MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!"

Suspension of disbelief? What's that?!