Apple Bloom drank from her strawberry shake looking at her unicorn friend Sweetie Belle, who hummed a cheerful tune. Scootaloo sat with the straw in her mouth, but she didn't drink her shake. She just stared into space.
"Scoots! Scootaloo!" Apple Bloom said, waving her hoof in front of the pegasi's face.
"Oh! Uh, what?" Scootaloo said, almost knocking down her cold chocolate treat.
"You are daydreaming again! Knock it off, it's beginning to irritate me." Apple Bloom said.
"Alright." Scootaloo said quietly.
The three fillies walked out of Sugar Cube Corner, they each split into their own directions as they headed for home.
Apple Bloom was walking down the dirt road to her home on the farm, when she saw the two old bullies from last school year.
"Look, Diamond Tiara!" Silver Spoon said.
"It's that foal again!" The pink pony replied, noticing Apple Bloom.
"Hey! I ain't no foal! I'm jest as old as you two meanies!" Apple Bloom said, still walking.
"I'm jest as old as you two meanies! What are you, two years old? Meanies? Really?" Diamond Tiara mocked.
"She is two." Silver Spoon said, and the two harassers began laughing.
Apple Bloom grunted and continued walking for Sweet Apple Acres.
It's no fair. Why can't they just move away? It would do everypony some good. Apple Bloom thought. Not looking at where she was going, she bumped into somepony. But who?
Sweetie Belle was also making her way home. She skipped and twirled and danced through the streets of Ponyville to the boutique. She entered, and saw her sister Rarity was busy with a customer- a familiar customer.
"I'll be just a second, Sweetie Belle!" Rarity called, seeing her younger sister was in the room.
Suddenly, a white pegasus from behind the divider came flying out. She had bleach blonde hair. Sweetie Belle knew right away that this was Loviatar from school. Only now, thanks to Rarity, she was wearing a long, flowing, light pink silky dress with see-through black stockings for every hoof. Her mane and tail were done in braids, and small sparkles on the dress matched her hair color. She had a small crown on her head, and it too was light pink with light blonde sparkles. In the center of it was a bright purple amethyst.
"Why, thank you ever so much Ms. Rarity for the beautiful outfit!"
"You are very welcome! Come back anytime, darling!" Rarity said, looking through her small red glasses.
Loviatar danced in the air on the way out. She looked so beautiful.
"Just look at me dance in the air! Aren't I just so gorgeous?" Loviatar asked awaiting praise from the other ponies. She looked straight at Sweetie Belle and made the evil eye at her as she spoke.
As Sweetie watched the pegasus fly out the door, she right away felt sad.
"Whatever is the matter dear?" Her older sister asked her, flipping around the open/closed sign in her door window.
"Nothing. Nothing at all, Rarity." Sweetie Belle lied and went upstairs slowly.
The small, young unicorn sat on her bed. Why can she dance better than me? I know I can't dance very well, but she doesn't have to show off. And it's no fair that I can't be that pretty. My sister should make me a dress like that. It's just no fair, she thought.
Can't wait to be the author of this!
We know Sweetie is both a unicorn and Apple Bloom's friend.
Not a Southern accent. Also, good job for making Apple Bloom yet again sound like a crazy person. Who just randomly tells someone to stop daydreaming because it's irritating them? The only people irritated by that are psychotic, which, to be fair, you're making Apple Bloom out to be.
Hey, look, a Southern accent!. Too bad it disappears soon...
This burns my eyes. First of all, why is 'Meanies' just sitting there? Second, this is not how cliffhangers work. Seriously, you should never, ever, ever put something like 'But who?' in a piece of narrative prose. Second of all, there is literally no tension in this scene. Apple Bloom walks into somepony. That's it, nothing else, nothing to make it seem ominous or important, other than your sloppily added question which breaks the small amount of immersion I still had.
So it turns out Apple Bloom is the only psychopath in the CMC. Sweetie is, too. We know Sweetie. Sure, she likes to be pretty. Sure, she likes to do artistic things, but at the same time, this is the filly who could burn down a house trying to cook and regularly gets covered in tree sap. She is not this shallow. She doesn't care that 'Pokemon name' is prettier than her and she would never think she'd been given the evil eye. Come on, Sweetie can be a little out of it at the best of times.
On to the next chapter!
5214246 Once again, I was using adjectives. And I was trying to use a southern accent for Apple Bloom because one of my friends, Vanilla Mocha, gave me some advice. I wanted to test it out and see if I could type dialogue with a southern accent without making myself sound dumb.
Sometimes when you are trying to have a conversation with your friends and one of them is just sitting there looking into space, it can irritate you because they are ignoring you. Maybe not for you, but for many others it does. I'm not trying to make anyone sound crazy, but instead I was just trying to better explain Apple Bloom's feelings through her dialogue.
When I went to edit this, I was copying and pasting a lot. I think that because of that that's how 'Meanies' ended up where it is. I will take that off. Sorry. And about the 'But Who?', I had only wanted to leave a cliffhanger. Questions. Mystery. Dun dun dun.
I am trying to show Sweetie's personal feelings about things. When trying to do things for her family and friends, like you mentioned, she doesn't really care as much because her main focus is on them. But if you look closer into it, whenever Rarity does something better than her, she gets upset. (Season 4 episode 19, "For Whom Sweetie Belle Toils")
Those parts. They're bad. Like really bad.
The first one. I get that you were going for a cliff hanger set up, but that is just not how you do it. The 'But who?" just completely leans on the fourth wall. It takes away from the moment and feels like a cut away from Dragonball Z.
Who is the mysterious that bumped into Applebloom? Will Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon ever stop being meanies? Find out next time on Pegasus Feathers!
That's what it felt like. It would have been fine without the "But, who?" Having it there just wrecks the momentum of the narrative.
Same as the other one really. Just saying "Rarity was busy with a familiar customer." Would have been preferable to "Rarity was busy with a customer- a familiar customer."
Its stilted writing that kills the flow. Imagine if people described thing like James Bond says his name. "It was a day. A hot day." "I'm hungry. I'm hungry for food." Its bad. Its bad writing.
This shit right here. I hope you just intentionally parodied the fuck out of a mary sue self insert, because if you did. That shit was genius and you are awesome.
UH oh... Sweetie is jealous of Lovitar! Liked where Apple Bloom stood up for herself: "I ain't no little filly!"
hmmm