The End of Summer
Birds flew through the clear blue sky of Ponyville. A slight breeze came whistling through the trees of the Everfree Forest and into a valley where the Cutie Mark Crusaders sat and talked. Mosquitoes buzzed in and out of the woods, and some friendly citizens of Ponyville strolled along the dirt road before the valley. A few flowers had some brightly colored butterflies on them, and if a certain yellow pony was here she would be having a blast.
Summer was ending. The three fillies sat in the grass as the afternoon summer sun stretched out over them like a warm blanket. "School starts tomorrow. I guess summer's over." Apple Bloom said.
"Yeah, I'm going to miss my extra time to work on my scooter stunts." Scootaloo sighed.
"But hey, look on the bright side! We could meet a whole load of new friends at school this year, and maybe they could be apart of the cutie mark crusader club we have!" Sweetie Belle said, raising her head higher.
"Who knows? Sweetie could be right!" Scootaloo said, sitting up too.
"I guess so..." Apple Bloom sighed.
"What's wrong, Apple Bloom?" Scootaloo asked.
"Oh, nothing. It's just that every year is the same old ponies doing to same old stuff. I'll be the least bit surprised if anypony new and fun comes to our school." The three ponies were quiet, and as the sun began to set, one by one they stood up and began for their homes.
Apple Bloom stayed sitting in the grass, though. Looking up at the stars she mumbled, Please let somepony new come. Please. And with that, she stood up, and headed back for the farm.
The next day the fillies and colts made their way to the small school of Ponyville. Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom sat at their old desks, which they had intended to keep. "Oh, look Silver Spoon! It looks like the Cutie Mark Crusaders didn't mature and get their cutie marks over the summer!" Diamond Tiara mimicked the CMC group, "Look, Scootaloo! It's mah cutie-murk! I'm App-ah Bloom 'en I love to wish fer mah 'murk, but ah now it'a nev'a happen. Boo, hoo, hoo! And I'm Sweetie Belle, and my big sister makes me so cute, and so clean, and so squeaky, and now I'm just, oh, to quote Rarity, 'simply divine, darling!'" The two bullies began to laugh.
"Hey! You don't ever make fun of me and my friends!" Scootaloo stood up and yelled, seeing Apple Bloom was beginning to shed a tear.
"And you never, EVER make fun of my family!" Sweetie Belle added, getting into the pink pony's face.
Apple Bloom looked up. "Who's that?" She asked, and all five fillies turned to see.
Two new fillies walked in through the door. The first one was a white furred pegasus with long, wavy bleach blonde hair. Her bright blue eyes lit up the room around her. The pegasus had on bright pink lipstick and had on thick black mascara and sparkly, light purple eyeshadow. She was wearing a short, tight matching purple outfit that looked like what a ballerina would wear. She also had a purple tutu on, and she was wearing purple ballet shoes. She sat down next to Apple Bloom, and lifted her head high and closed her eyes, making herself seem more 'dignified.'
The other filly was a bit shorter, and she was a gray-red earth pony. She had straight black hair, and she too was wearing an outfit. She had on a black hood and cape, with the hood down and the rest going down her back and over her hind legs. She wasn't wearing any makeup like the first pony was. Slowly her dark hazel eyes looked at the chair in front of Sweetie Belle. The gray-red pony sat down in it, and she turned her head and made a small smile to the unicorn before turning her head to the front of the classroom.
"Good morning, students!" Miss Cheerilee, the purple pony, said.
"Good morning!" The students said back. Except the gray-red pony; she didn't say anything.
Ms. Cheerilee continued. "Let's begin our lesson. Open your grammar books to pa-" The door slammed open and a new (and tardy) pony walked in. He was a light brown color, and the pegasus had dark brown hair with blonde highlights with matching light yellow hooves. His ice blue eyes stared at Scootaloo.
"You're late, uh, uh-"
"Ryon. My name is Ryon." He said, looking away from the orange pegasus.
Scootaloo felt a small tug in her chest. Her stomach became very nervous. Her mind began to whirl. She looked at Ryon. Scootaloo knew she couldn't possibly ever like him, though. She wasn't into that kind of stuff. She made a vow to never like a colt. Or a stallion. But he was just so breath taking and mind catching to Scootaloo! The way his smooth voice sounded, the way his dreamy eyes glared at her- she couldn't even control her feelings. She wanted to jump up and run out the door dragging him, and run away together and have a happy life- just the two of them. She shook her head. I promised myself! He probably already has a marefriend anyway. Come on, why wouldn't a guy like not have a marefriend, anyway? She thought.
"I knew you'd be late!" The white pegasus said in a bratty tone.
"Well, Loviatar, if you didn't tr- I'll talk to you later." he said, not wanting to make a scene.
"Fine, big brother. Just don't be dramatic." Loviatar said.
"If anypony's dramatic its the both of you. Now sit down before you get detentions on you're first day!" Ms. Cheerilee threatened. Ryon made a mean face at his sister and sat down behind Scootaloo.
"Irothrust? I didn't know you went here." Ryon whispered. The gray-red earth pony sat there, looking at him. She turned her head and looked back at the annoyed teacher. If only you knew why. I could trust you, Ryon. I could trust you. Irothrust thought.
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Ah, time for a little review. I may be a bit harsh, but it's all in the name of fair, honest criticism.
Wow! Thanks, Sweetie, clearly niether I as a reader nor Apple Bloom and Scootaloo had any idea that you were in a 'cutie mark crusader club that you have'. Come on, that's just unnecessary exposition.
Not a Southern accent.
If I didn't actually know what Cheerilee looked like, this description would in no way help me learn.
Also, Cheerliee doesn't know that she has three new students? She doesn't plan on introducing them to the rest of the class? It's a time honored tradition of media as a well accepted form of exposition, giving us names and some backstory.
Oh, no. Hey, Mr. Author. Is your name Ryon IRL, by any chance? Cause this guy seems like the perfect douchey OC self-insert type. So, couple of things wrong here that were gonna get rid of all in one go. Ryon is not a pony name, it is douche's name. Loviatar is not a pony name, it's a Pokemon's name. Irothrust is not a pony name, it's an anime battle cry. None of these are pony names, and if that is going to be a plot point, it needs to be foreshadowed from this point on.
Oh, and Ryon's entrance suddenly sparking a side of Scootaloo we've never seen, with no explanation other than hot-guy-is-hot? Yeah, that's real immersion breaking.
On to the next chapter!
5214176 I get the idea that you are reviewing my work, but I do have some things to say. First, almost every brony and pegasister knows that Apple Bloom has an accent. It's not that I'm lazy to the fact that she talks country, but it is fact that I am ignorant to the way she speaks. It's hard for me to write the words like how I would normally spell them with different letters to make different sounds. You get the idea that she's country, and so do I, and so does a lot of other people.
Second, I was using a little grammar term called adjectives. Does it ring a bell, from like, fifth grade? (Not trying to be rude, but really? Come on.) I wasn't trying to tell you exactly what she looked like because that would be a waste of time since most people reading my story would know her. I was just merely describing her.
No, Ryon is not my OC. (Blu_Ray is. But that's a different story.) I think it's cute that Scootaloo likes Ryon. If you read the rest of my story you'll understand that I am not making it a huge deal. And also, I made their names up according to what personality they will have later on. Back-stories are coming.
I am a first time author on fimfiction, and even though sometimes a little criticism can be helpful, please keep in mind that I am still learning. I am also planning a huge, surprise, reversal ending, so what might be happening in the 'present' chapters of the story might or might not be leading up to what you're thinking. (Depends on what you're thinking.) Like I said, this is my first story on here and I and still learning.
super awesome. luv this story!
I'm not about to criticize you on the way you named your characters or anything but, just a few points.
I think you need to work on finding a way to make your dialogue flow better.
It's kinda choppy and takes me out of the story. I suggest describing the actions taken by the characters as they are talking.
That's an excerpt from one of my stories. See the way I use description in conjunction with speech? Oh and ignore the rhyming dialogue they're only doing that cause they're zebras. I don't wanna come off as all holier than thou, but I think adding more description to your dialogue would be beneficial.
Oh and with your oc Ryon (I use the term oc because he's a character you created.) Be careful with that. The way you describe him along with Scootaloo's instant attraction paints him in the light of an asshole self insert character. Now I admit to not having have read so I don't know what flaws he may have but, I'll continue reading.
Last thing. There was no big hook in this chapter. Nothing that made me go. "I can't wait to keep reading." You have to set it up better.
interesting start, I say