Ch1
I arrived at the town only to be immediately greeted by a pink earth pony who seemed to have come out of nowhere.
“Hi I’m Pinkie Pie. I've notice that you’re new in town and I thought I’d thought I’d go say hello. Ooooooh, since you’re new in town that means you get to have one of my signature welcome to Ponyville parties. I’ll go ahead and get it set up.”
With that she zipped off in a pink blur while I tried to process what she said, as it more of came out like this: HiI’mPinkiePie.I’venoticethatyou’renewintownandIthoughtI’dgosayhello.Ooooooh,sinceyou’renewintownthatmeansyougettohaveoneofmysignaturewelcometoPonyvilleparties.I’llgoaheadgetitsetup.
“Umm okay that was weird,” I decided to head over to the house that I am moving to and noticed a purple unicorn as I reached my new home.
“Hello there my name is Twilight Sparkle and who might you be?” I mentally sighed with relief that she didn’t ask me to go on a date like all the other mares back at Manehatten, which was another reason that I decided to move here. I think it has to be the mane.
“Hi, my name is Silver Hooves and I just moved from Manehatten. When I had arrived, I was greeted by a pony by the name of Pinkie Pie, who mentioned something about throwing me a party.”
Twilight giggled at this. “I would’ve thought so. Just so you know, Pinkie will always throw a party for newcomers. She even did one for me. She’ll likely set the party up over at Sugar Cube Corner.”
“Well, I guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens then,” I replied to the unicorn.
“I’ll come get you when the party's ready. She is actually really good when it comes to parties.”
“Well, I’ll just get myself settled in then.”
And so I entered my new home, which was already set with appliances and some furniture. I began unpacking when I heard somepony knocking on my door.
Now who could that be? I thought as I came to the front door.
As I had opened the door, I was greeted by two mares. One was a white unicorn with a bright blue choppy mane, and wearing some shades over her eyes, while the other was a grey earth pony with a black mane. The one with the shades had a pair of eighth notes for a cutie mark while her friend had a treble clef.
“My name’s Octavia and this is my roommate Vinyl,” the blue haired pony’s friend said.
“Yo, what’s up,” the one named Vinyl said.
“So what brings you two to my house? Don’t you two have any music that you need to work on?” I asked, clearly knowing that the two were musicians.
“We saw that you had just moved in the house next to us and we decided to say hi,” Vinyl replied.
“Well, actually, my friend Vinyl here just wanted to see who the new pony living next to us was. And you know, you’re a rather nice looking stallion.”
Oh great, there’s going to be mares like them here. This is going to be a pain. I thought as I made my response, “Why thank you. But, umm, could you not ask me out, I’ve had too much of that back at Manehatten and I really don’t want it to be here.”
“Oh, my apologies, I wasn’t aware that that was one of the reasons you moved here.” Octavia said, which made me feel a little bit guilty, “By the way, what’s your name?”
“Name’s Silver Hooves, though you can just call me Silver,” I replied.
“Wow, cool. Soooo… what’s your special talent? Your cutie mark looks like a scorpion tail,” Vinyl pointed out.
“Yeah, I’m not really sure what my special talent is,” I replied, getting gasps from the two ponies.
“You don’t know what your special talent is?” Octavia gasped, “Then how did you get your cutie mark?”
I looked at both of them and sighed, “Do you two promise not to tell anypony?”
Both Octavia and Vinyl looked at each other and nodded.
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” they chanted in unison, also doing the gestures.
“Umm, is that a normal thing for ponies of Ponyville to do when making a promise?” I asked, completely clueless as to the reason of their chant.
“Yeah. It’s called a Pinkie Promise dude,” Vinyl replied, “You have to do one if you’ve got to make a promise to somepony.”
“Yes, and you can never break it,” Octavia added.
“Well, I guess I don’t want to find out what happens when you break a Pinkie Promise then. Anyway, I was born with a cutie mark.” I said, once again getting gasps from the two.
“Whoa, dude, that's like… the rarest thing to happen to anypony,” Vinyl said, awestruck.
“I would have to agree with Vynal. How is it that you were born with a cutie mark? It doesn’t make much sense,” Octavia chimed in.
“Look… I don’t know the details on my birth but... could you two please just keep this a secret. I really don’t want to draw too much attention to myself.” I said, worried that the word about my unusual circumstances would spread.
“We will uphold the Pinkie Promise,” Vinyl declare, puffing her chest.
Octavia rolled her eyes, “Well, it’s been a pleasure meeting you Silver. C’mon Vynal, we need to get going and let him get settled in.”
Soon the two mares left my home to go into the one next-door.
So they’re my next-door neighbors. This is certainly going to be interesting. I thought to myself as I closed my door and continued on with unpacking my things.
As soon as I had gotten myself settled in I heard another knock on my door.
Now who could that be? I thought to myself.
When I opened my door I was greeted by an orange earth pony mare wearing a Stetson.
“Howdy, just coming to let ya’ll know that Pinkie Pie is holding a party for ya at Sugar Cube Corner.” The orange pony said.
“Okay, I guess I’ll head over there then. Do you mind leading the way, I had just finished unpacking and I haven’t been able to really explore the town yet,” I said as I left my house, “Though I thought that Twilight was going to tell me about the party.”
“Well, she’s been busy lately, so she couldn’t come to yall’s house. So she sent me to send the message to you. By the way, name’s Applejack, you?”
“My name’s Silver Hooves, though you can just call me Silver,” I replied to her.
We walked together for a few minutes until we reached a shop that looked like it was made of sweets.
“This here’s Sugar Cube Corner, come right in,” Applejack said. And we entered the shop.
I was awestruck by all of the decorations that have been set up. And I assumed that most of the townspeople were in attendance.
“Ah’ll go visit with mah friends. Be free to enjoy the party.”
And so Applejack left to meet with her friends, whom I could recognize one of them being Twilight and the other three I haven’t seen before. The yellow pegasus seemed to be afraid of me when she saw me. The cyan one seemed to have taken an interest in me and flew by to greet me.
“Hey, so you’re the new pony in town. Name’s Rainbow Dash,” she introduced herself, “Sooo… what’s your name?”
“My name is Silver Hooves, though you can just call me Silver,” I replied, “This is a rather nice party.”
“Thanks, I love doing parties all the time. And I do it for anypony new that I meet,” Pinkie Pie said, jumping in out of nowhere.
“Jeez, don’t scare me like that,” my heart was pounding from the surprise attack that the pink pony gave me.
“Sorry about her,” Rainbow apologized, “She’s just being Pinkie Pie.”
And the pink pony zipped out into the crowd. That was when I saw the pony I had met earlier today coming up to what appeared to be a DJ setup.
“Yo, DJPon3 in the house,” Vinyl announced.
Pretty soon the entire room was filled with loud music. And all those in attendance danced to the beat.
“Wow, I hadn’t realized that I moved in next to a DJ.” I said, enjoying the music that was playing.
“So you’re living next to Vinyl Scratch?” Raindbow yelled.
“Yeah, and she also has a roommate,” I called back.
“I know. I think her name’s Octavia. Well, see ya later.”
And so Rainbow flew off somewhere else while I went to get some food from the snack bar. That’s when I met Twilight along with a white unicorn with a curly purple mane.
“Hi Silver. Sorry if I couldn’t come to your house earlier, I ended up having too many things to do back at the library. Anyway this is my friend Rarity.” Twilight said, introducing me to her friend.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Rarity said.
“The pleasure’s mine. And I assume Twilight or Pinkie Pie had already told you about me?” I said, making sure to bow my head in a polite fashion.
“Why yes of course. Though I must admit, your mane is simply marvelous. And you’re such a gentlestalion too,” Rarity commented.
“Thank you. So who’s that over there?” I asked, pointing to the yellow pegasus sitting out in the corner.
“Oh, that’s just Fluttershy. She’s very shy among newcomers.” Twilight replied.
“I think I’ll go say hi to her.”
And so I went over to Fluttershy, “Hello there, my name’s Silver Hooves.”
Fluttershy squeaked, “Oh… umm… h-hello.”
Real smooth Silver, real smooth. I chastised myself.
“Why are you sitting over here?” I asked her.
“I’m not so good at parties, primarily ones with so many ponies.” Fluttershy replied.
“Want me to get you something?” I asked, gesturing to the snack table.
“O-o-oh…n- no I’m good,” She responded.
“Alright then, see you later,” I said, going back to the snack bar.
About two hours past and everypony started heading back to their homes.
“Yo Silver,” I looked behind me to see Vinyl and Octavia coming over to me.
“Do ya mind if we walked home with ya?” Vinyl asked.
“I don’t see why not,” I replied.
And so we walked home together. Occasionally talking to each other while we walked, mostly talking about what music each of us liked as well as the party. Soon we made it to our separate homes. As we said goodnight, Vinyl and Octavia went into their home while I walked over to mine. And I noticed that I already had mail in my mailbox.
Hmm, that’s strange. I wasn’t expecting anything to come until tomorrow. I thought as I opened up the mailbox. When I did, there was a single letter inside. I looked at the envelope but couldn’t find who sent it to me. I went inside the house and opened it up and read the letter.
Beware; the Shadows are coming for you.
I couldn’t figure out who would’ve sent this to me so I decided to set it on the table. I went upstairs to my bedroom and prepared to go to sleep. That’s when I saw a silhouette at my window.
“Who’s there?”
Whoever was there disappeared into the night. Deciding that it was nothing I went to sleep.
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Its alright but seems a little drab at the moment and you butchered the spelling of Vinyl
4976595
Oh my gosh... It's Mewtwo!
*throws masterball*
WARNING! Sign of a self-insert!
WARNING! Sign of a special snowflake and a possible Mary Sue/Gary Stu!
WARNING! Sign of a special snowflake and a possible Mary Sue/Gary Stu!
WARNING! Sign of a special snowflake and a possible Mary Sue/Gary Stu!
Edit: Now that I've actually read it, I see that I was right.
Yup, he's a Gary Stu. Dammit, sometimes I hate it when I'm right.
Sorry, but this is something that I've been planning on writing but didn't actually get started on until recently. And I apologize, I'll go fix the error that I made once I get back from school. I'm glad someone caught my mistake there.
4976942 No, It's not going to be anything like that. The story is still new so you're going to need to wait until more chapters come out. And yeah, this is somewhat of a self-insert.
4976942 Also, I don't know who this Gary Stu is. Mind explaining?
4977233
Gary Stu is the male counterpart of Mary Sue.
And as far as reading more chapters of this, why would I want to? You've presented us with a super-special, seemingly flawless character that has members of the opposite sex throw themselves at him so frequently that it's downright annoying. Your wish-fulfillment fantasy may be fascinating as hell to you, but it's not doing a thing for me. Based on the votes so far, it doesn't seem to be appealing to other readers, either.
Maybe you should try creating a character people can actually relate to...
...My friends, the time has passed yet again.
After school, new target.
4977392 I feel you. Let's tear this a new one (though I'll be doing it during a break in classes. Go college!)
I wonder what a cutie mark for labor pains would look like.
4976810
*Catches Master ball in psychic grib and crushes it*
Whenever It tells something about Silver, I automatically thinklh6.googleusercontent.com/-cLm8557xPQE/AAAAAAAAAAI/AAAAAAAAAEk/3PR5CrlcZyY/photo.jpg
Just imagining that whenever he does something makes this story a lot more exciting.
4977221
4977233
You know what would be great? If aspiring fanfiction writers actually read some fanfiction (both good and bad) before publishing a story. Literally the same complaints come up every time in these Self-insert OC Mary Sue This-is-my-first-fic Stories. Now:
Judging Fics by Their Covers: My Impression of Your Description
Part 7 of 9999: Silver Hooves, the Author's Pony
Just the fact I've written six others of these shows this is nothing new.
What I get from the description is "Self-Insert Hooves was a very very special pony with no apparent flaws, and he is obviously the eponymous main character of the story". That's the definition of Mary Sue, a pony with no flaws, many talents, and who other ponies love for no reason.
It's cliche: OC moves to Ponyville has been done thousands of times before.
Other than that, your grammar and spelling seem good, and at 2000 words for a chapter, length isn't a problem. If you fix the Gary Stu-ness and the cliche, this could actually be good.
Impression: 1035/2563
>Your OC
4977275 Oh, sorry about that, but I'm just going to have this as the only chapter that this happens. After this, he wont be meeting with many of the characters very often. But there are going to be some mysteries that he is going to encounter in the future.
As for the character himself, he's actually going to have a lot of problems during his time at PonyVille. As for his cutie mark, that will be explained in the future.
38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9xpo0WQAp1rziwwco1_500.gif
4977942
4977233
This is extremely good advice. I know first time authors think that their self-insert fic is different, and that it is unfair not to give it a chance, but generally they're wrong about that. May I suggest that you peruse some of the stories in Twilight's Library? All of the stories there have been through a fairly rigorous review for quality. If it's in there, it is likely to be good. You can also try looking for fics with characters you like or genre, and see whether they've been 100% Approved By Twilight's Library.
Because Elric is right.
4977275
If you are writing the story for you and you alone, then it doesn't matter. If, however, you want it to appeal to other readers, you have to offer them something, too, other than "this is my story about me."
4978419
I'm glad you think my advice is good.
However, I think there are somethings you can't easily learn from reading only good fics. Sometimes you have to read the bad ones. How else would you know your idea for a red and black Alicorn OC who falls in love with Luna is cliche, other than reading several fics like that?
4979118
Shortening it wouldn't get rid of the Gary Stu.
What you could do to possibly redeem this fic is:
Make the main character NOT you.
Give the main character weaknesses. Make him bad at some stuff. Perfect characters are unrelatable.
Have "good" characters not like him because of his flaws. Not everyone who dislikes the main character has to be a jerk.