I've gotta say, you've got a nice bit going on here, but you might want to cool it with the descriptions of the characters. It just kinda feels like you're trying to cram in every detail of the characters in some bits. For example:
Then, the door sudden bursted open, revealing Twilight's friends. Two pegasi, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, a unicorn named Rarity and two earth ponies named Applejack and Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash was currently wearing her 'Ponyville Weather Team Uniform', which consisted a cyan colored uniform shirt, with a pair of cyan wings on her collar as well as a pair of dark blue jeans. She was currently floating in the air, her wings keeping her aloft. Fluttershy was wearing her butter yellow sweatshirt with her green skirt, hiding behind Rarity. Rarity was in her usual seamstress attire, consisting of a pristine white uniform shirt and a dark purple skirt with her red glasses. Applejack wore her everyday attire, an orange button down shirt with a brown leather vest and a pair of slightly torn, light blue jeans with her leather rope in her hands. Pinkie Pie was in her pink blouse with a balloon pattern in the middle, a pink skirt with a white and blue stripped stockings, bouncing on the spot with a huge grin.
It's not that it's horrible, it's that it really breaks up the flow of reading. One minute, we've got Spike getting laid on by a Lady Spike, and the next... That. Also, why does it refer to the main six as two pegasi, a unicorn. and two earth ponies if this is a humanized fic? But enough of my nit-picking. The fic looks really good so far, if a bit clunky, and that'll improve as time goes on! I look forward to the rest of it!
I always suspected Spike was a Ass man and that confirms it lol. This will be interesting, I mean we all know Spike has always been a romantic and prone to daydreams I can't wait to see if she has those traits as well. It will be to funny to see. I could see Diamond trying to pick on the new girl and Spike jumps in and defends her and he gets jealous when Snips and Sails try to hit on her. Which she notice and kinda likes he is like that with her lol.
4789530 Silly author, people don't read those. Those are just there to make the page longer, duh. Nobody's gonna write anything mildly important or explain the story in them at all ever, are they? (*SARCASM ALERT*)
shame this mature fic isn't going to have sex... and as for the masturbation or incest question, I answer the same way I do for identical twins having sex: it's incest because they're two people
Comment posted by beirirangu deleted Aug 2nd, 2014
4789530 You misunderstand me. I'm not saying that you made a typo, I am literally asking WHY you chose to keep the terms unicorns, pegasi, and earth pony (especially the last one, seeing as that one doesn't really fit). I mean, is it that you don't care for the other terms that people have come up with for humanized/anthros? IE unicorns=telekinetics/mages, pegasi=skyborns/seraphs, earth ponies=earth bounds, etc.
4790374 yup pretty much in every version I write/help write Spike he always end up a ass man.... it is my own preference coming through my writing.... yes it it.
Hm. Well. This needs some proofreading. Eh. But what happened in there.... hm. Something is missing. Like an explanation of 'why did they all appeared?' and other questions like that. Also, Spike is a light-weight if a single sight makes him faint. Eeeehh. Whatever. Continue.
If it's a replica, should it not also have duplicated spike's memories, hence her ability to talk. She's got a female copy of his brain in there with all of his memories, it'd be nice to hear her say more than "don't look". Spines definitely needs more characterization. Right now she's a replica in name only, you need to play up the duplicate scenario.
… What the duck just happened? THis is borderline Gurren Lagann crazy. Just remove the giant robots, dimension-breaking drills, and hot-bloodedness (for the moment), and replace it all with ecchi. Mama mia, I think I need a moment…
4781475 Twilight: They look so cute together! Rarity: No they don't! Twilight i think this spell was a mistake, get rid of her! Twilight: Well at least i didn't put bows on her.
Holy fudgsicles!!! This is so friggin adorable!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (fangirling) Omg i can't wair for the next chapter! This is like an anime!
4790803 it can also be retcon that in this universe there is a semi-religion that believes the world was created by all powerful equine gods....which is why they refer to themselves as types of horses/ponies.
Awkward to the math of
Goddammit I'm in the middle of Walmart and I read this scene. I immediately burst out laughing.
Ah! This story, how it was so pure and innocent, until it has been tainted by the foul abomination that is 'Mature'!
Oh well! It was a good run! See ya guys! I shall be hiding in my fort from the barrage of negative comments!
4789485 Good on ya, m8!
I've gotta say, you've got a nice bit going on here, but you might want to cool it with the descriptions of the characters. It just kinda feels like you're trying to cram in every detail of the characters in some bits. For example:
It's not that it's horrible, it's that it really breaks up the flow of reading. One minute, we've got Spike getting laid on by a Lady Spike, and the next... That. Also, why does it refer to the main six as two pegasi, a unicorn. and two earth ponies if this is a humanized fic?
But enough of my nit-picking. The fic looks really good so far, if a bit clunky, and that'll improve as time goes on! I look forward to the rest of it!
4789516 ....Did you read my first authors note?
(Also, I'll try my best to rewrite that part)
God damn, I looked at this story this morning and it said everyone...
Now suddenly it's mature and I don't-- wat
4789552
Oh how stories grow up so fast!
I always suspected Spike was a Ass man and that confirms it lol. This will be interesting, I mean we all know Spike has always been a romantic and prone to daydreams I can't wait to see if she has those traits as well. It will be to funny to see. I could see Diamond trying to pick on the new girl and Spike jumps in and defends her and he gets jealous when Snips and Sails try to hit on her. Which she notice and kinda likes he is like that with her lol.
4789530 Silly author, people don't read those. Those are just there to make the page longer, duh. Nobody's gonna write anything mildly important or explain the story in them at all ever, are they? (*SARCASM ALERT*)
Hum, yes, think there are a lot of good directions you can go with this. Need help with any of it, I got some free time
4789597 Yea! That is so true! In fact, hardly anything important is written there! It's just a bunch of gibberish! (*SARCASM ALERT!*)
(Lol. Couldn't help it! )
shame this mature fic isn't going to have sex... and as for the masturbation or incest question, I answer the same way I do for identical twins having sex: it's incest because they're two people
This is going well, just remember, take it easy, no rushing
That aside, nice chapter!
4789530 You misunderstand me. I'm not saying that you made a typo, I am literally asking WHY you chose to keep the terms unicorns, pegasi, and earth pony (especially the last one, seeing as that one doesn't really fit). I mean, is it that you don't care for the other terms that people have come up with for humanized/anthros? IE unicorns=telekinetics/mages, pegasi=skyborns/seraphs, earth ponies=earth bounds, etc.
4789576 hey isn't Spike an ass man in your story of the manliest Dragon/wolf erm what every you finally name the hybrid basically the purple guardian
4790374 yup pretty much in every version I write/help write Spike he always end up a ass man.... it is my own preference coming through my writing.... yes it it.
Hm.
Well.
This needs some proofreading. Eh.
But what happened in there.... hm.
Something is missing.
Like an explanation of 'why did they all appeared?' and other questions like that.
Also, Spike is a light-weight if a single sight makes him faint.
Eeeehh. Whatever.
Continue.
-Zeph
4789905 Well, I had thought on whether or not to allow the terms and such. I eventually gave up and decided to simply put it in.
Also, because of horse puns
more more more less I quite like this story
4779656 Lol, I didn't knew, sorry.
I thought it was only a one-shot.
Please have the heart to forgive one of your readers.
Love your story.
4789488 nothing bad to say
To quote you, that escalated quickly.
Well this should be interesting.......
Silver Spade
If it's a replica, should it not also have duplicated spike's memories, hence her ability to talk. She's got a female copy of his brain in there with all of his memories, it'd be nice to hear her say more than "don't look". Spines definitely needs more characterization. Right now she's a replica in name only, you need to play up the duplicate scenario.
Of course this is my opinion. Carry on.
… What the duck just happened? THis is borderline Gurren Lagann crazy. Just remove the giant robots, dimension-breaking drills, and hot-bloodedness (for the moment), and replace it all with ecchi. Mama mia, I think I need a moment…
Great story! Can't wait to see more!
4792359
Holy shit is it really that simple?
Go fuck yourself rule 63 ecchi activate.
4781475
Twilight: They look so cute together!
Rarity: No they don't! Twilight i think this spell was a mistake, get rid of her!
Twilight: Well at least i didn't put bows on her.
You know what would be funny, if she also has a crush on Rarity. It'd be even funnier if Rarity was gay in this universe.
4793586 If she was, she probably would have made her move on Applejack. Or somepony else
4793636 Darn, you have a point there, I didn't think about that one enough huh?
Holy fudgsicles!!! This is so friggin adorable!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
(fangirling)
Omg i can't wair for the next chapter! This is like an anime!
4790803 it can also be retcon that in this universe there is a semi-religion that believes the world was created by all powerful equine gods....which is why they refer to themselves as types of horses/ponies.
Nice job, Kro.
funny story keep it up dude.
this is anime written all over it, but hey I'm not judging I FUCKING LOVE ANIME!!!!!!!!! And mlp.
ANIMEANIMEANIMEANIMEANIMEANIMEANIMEANIME!!!!!!!!!!!
․․․․yea..... awkwardness
Spike has had a run in with, The Why Boner!cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/43726205.jpg