• Published 8th Jul 2014
  • 5,273 Views, 165 Comments

Twitch Plays Equestria Online - NuclearPony

With Equestria Online being the most popular game around it was only a matter of time until someone did something really stupid with it.

  • ...

Day 1, Hour Twelve

Twitch Plays Equestria Online

There was a small grace period of maybe an hour in which I got a lot of bad suggestions I could easily discard. Before signing up to donate in theory everyone read the fine print as to what suggestions were acceptable and which would be immediately rejected.

In practice there was one viewer who I hoped was feigning outrage that his suggestion that I 'hump a goats leg' was flat out ignored and replaced with another viewers suggestion. Maybe he thought he could get a refund if he complained loudly enough but its pretty hard to be 'loud enough' on a live cast net stream with over one hundred thousand other viewers using the same chat.

It struck me as being a bit like someone in the audience at a football game screaming at the quarterback because the ticket scalper he'd bought his tickets from had lied about what seats they actually were.

Others were just weird.

"Bake some cupcakes!" Came one suggestion from viewer PainIsCupcake (these names...). Easy enough, there was a bakery just down the street from the palace whose proprietors were too shocked by my appearance and the random bits of broken glass in my fur and mane to stop me from just walking into their kitchen.

I hadn't gotten very far in five minutes but luckily the next suggestion from SimpleRichard was also cupcake related. "No, the other kind of cupcakes." I raised an eyebrow at that and looked at my chosen ingredients. "What like, chocolate icing cupcakes?" I asked aloud.

The mare who owned the kitchen finally worked up the nerve to speak to me. "I'm sorry did you ask if I liked chocolate cupcakes?"

I turned to her and shrugged. "Well I guess you can have some if you want but actually I was just trying to get clarification from one of the thousands of voices that tell me what to do as to what specific kind of cupcake he wanted baked."

The mare appeared to immediately regret the decision to start conversation with me. "Voices you say?..." She asked as she slowly backed out of the kitchen.

I nodded as I scooped the mix into the trays. "Yep. It was Bubble Gum who wanted me to bake cupcakes in the first place and Onyx Volcano who wasn't able to specify beyond just wanting some other flavor of cupcake." I tilted my head in confusion after listening to what my pony said. I decided to try experimenting with some other names. "I don't really mind, it beats Sour Note telling me to jump out of a stained glass window." Huh. So it seemed there was a censor in place replacing the Twitch user names with their equestrian names? I wondered if any of the viewers who didn't already have a pony pad had equestrian names.

While I contemplated this twitch viewer AnlRdayo sent in a donation of... seventeen cents and a suggestion that I make urine flavor cupcakes. "Yeah no. Next suggestion." I said, rejecting it before the audience even saw it and summoning another. I took a minute right there to raise the threshold for donation amount so that these stupid suggestions would at least cost the person making them more.

The lewd and violent suggestions had been easy enough to defeat simply by rejecting them without refund as I'd said I would right in the donation systems online agreement. But I didn't want to reject the legitimate commands that were merely displeasing lest viewers lose faith in the idea that it was really them in charge of this whole experiment.

So it wasn't long before 'go hump a goat' became 'Seduce the first random passerby.'. That said passerby was a guard who had been dispatched to investigate a reportedly insane pink zebra who had taken over a bakery certainly added to the challenge!

Luckily I had cupcakes to break the ice with.

A little bit later we'd already found a common interest. "So the wonderbolts are the federal armed force in charge of the air but the Royal guard still organizes a large number of Pegasus? Err Pegasi..?" I asked, thankful to twitch viewer and old friend PlaidBattleCruiser for the suggestion that I press this guard for military secrets, this was turning into a fun conversation.

"Yep! Though it does get kind of irritating when other ponies imply that the only reason to join the guard is if you don't make the cut for the wonderbolts or if you have like thirty generations of guard pony in your family tree. You know maybe I just thought it would be cool to work in a place where I get to be around the princesses all day." Northern Aurora grumbled as he took another bite from his cupcake. I felt myself grinning as I examined that mane of his, it had been interesting to find out there were ponies besides the princesses with multi hued manes. I wondered if he liked getting it brushed?

"So when you were trying to decide between being into wings or horns you decided not to decide?" I asked teasingly, leaning forward on the kitchen table and tilting my head just so to show off a horn and impish smile.

He laughed and leaned across the table to flick the cardboard horn with a hoof. "I guess so, yeah. Have to say that the last thing I ever expected to find was someone trying to imitate the look."

In a weird way the hardest part of that challenge had come fifteen minutes later after getting a command to chase down a moving train and jump onto it. I'd really been getting interested in knowing more about this guard and the poor guy had seemed a tiny bit heartbroken when I'd glanced over my shoulder while sprinting to the train station.

"Damnit chat, you couldn't have given me just a few more minutes?" I grumbled, hoping he at least didn't think me a jerk for suddenly exclaiming I was late for a train and running off like that.

But why did I care? He's just an NPC right?

Not even one hour into this game and its already starting to get to me. How am I going to do this all week?


Eleven hours later the train finally stopped for the night at its last destination.

I was of course a hundred miles away, having already raided its coal bunker for as much 'phat kowl lewt' as Viewer PhatHoesMoBits(Equestrian name: Fabulous Jackets) had wanted me to grab and then jumping off the train while it was crossing a really high bridge as per the command of Twitch viewer Kittens Galore (equestrian name:... Kittens Galore. I didn't want to ponder the possible implications of that too hard.).

As I plummeted to the river below I was really starting to wish for functional wings instead of cardboard ones.

After floating down the river rapids, getting bashed about on some rocks while desperately trying to keep my head above water AND hold a bag of coal I'd finally managed to get to a calmer part of the river.

So of course a sinous, purple river monster with a mustache had chosen that moment to take exception with my fashion sense and attacked/tried to beautify me.

Fortunately he'd been something of a wimp and I'd been able to suplex the giant serpent into a rock wall (not my idea, blame Twitch for that one.), knocking my handsome assailant unconscious and allowing me to escape his frighteningly vast arsenal of mane care products.

It got even weirder from there. Turns out the creepy forest I found myself in had a creepy haunted mansion. What a twist! First command was OBVIOUSLY to traipse right in and explore it.

I offered sarcastic thanks to twitch viewer:LolTraktor (Equestrian name: Savory Sausage. I don't... this name, I just don't even... Wait a second. Back in the palace, was Orthopedic Goat Simulator ALSO his equestrian name?!)

About twenty minutes later after barely escaping being eaten alive while wrapped in the giant spider webs the suggestion system must have tumbled onto a viewer with a phobia of spiders as he ordered me to burn the whole place to the ground and then burn the ground.

So five minutes later as the flames are really starting to kick off we of course go to the other end of the spectrum with a donation suggestion from a viewer who seemed to really like spiders and didn't think it was fair that they were being unfairly punished just for being what they were. And for spinning me in a web and trying to devour me I felt like adding but didn't.

Let me tell you something, trying to save the life of an acid spitting spider the size of a humvee who really wants to make you pay for setting both him and his home on fire is NOT easy.

But it is possible.

It was a good thing my new friend knew of a nearby town. Pooling our resources he was able to guide me there and I was able to persuade the doctors at the local hospital to stop cowering behind their desks and come out and treat both me and a giant spider for burns. The locals were mostly spazzes in that regard, running around and screaming in terror, its like they'd never seen a pink Zebra wearing fake wings and a horn ride down the street on the back of a giant arachnid.

The place had a bakery that I could use at least. I was still puzzled by why my so many of my viewers were obsessed with cupcakes. Was this some running gag in the show or something? Unfortunately I just didn't have the time to really make an inquiry of it in chat. I was busy all day long, taking time here and there to run to the washroom or crunch down some granola bars as fast as I could in the few minutes I had between easy suggestions and the harder ones that always seemed to follow.

I could have sworn at one point that I bumped into another player doing exactly the same thing as me! I'd heard about Equestria online having the ability for multiple players playing on the same 'shard' but it was one thing to hear about it and something else to actually bump into a pink pony frantically trying to get everyone in sight to eat one of her emergency raspberry pies.

"What are these?" I inquired while staring down at the baked goods shoved into my hooves, for once I had gotten a useful command to simply inquire as to what in tartarus this pink pony was doing.

"Its a type 3 emergency raspberry pie! I keep them stashed all over ponyville in case of raspberry pie emergencies. Which this definitely qualifies as!"

I leaned closer to this pink pony and raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to edge in on my action?"

She snorted and crossed her fore legs across her chest. "Hey! Ponyville has been MY territory for years! You think you can just ride into town on a giant spider and not have to cofghble..." I cut her off with a raspberry pie right to the face.

"My stream! Mine. I'll do you a favor and leave ponyburg or whatever but I don't want you following me around trying to upstage me. Get your own stream viewers." I grumbled and walked away. For Tassadars sake! You couldn't even play a game about magical talking ponies without some imitator trying to snipe your stream!


It was with an exhausted groan that I was able to finally end the stream not much later and with only half of this Ponyville place coated in shaving cream.

"Thank you so much to everyone who tuned in for our first day!" I said after soothing my parched throat with a drink of water. "We will be back here again at noon tomorrow and as I said I would I will continue to stream everyday so long as I continue to get a minimum amount of donations per day, or until I go insane and get thrown in an asylum."

I glanced at the chat and grinned, it was pretty incomprehensible with how fast it was moving but the comments seemed generally supportive and encouraging. "Thank you again to everyone who watched and everyone who sent in a suggestion, I can honestly say I never in a million years would have thought up half the stuff I wound up doing today. I hope its been as much fun to watch as it was for me to do. Have a good night and see you tomorrow!" After shutting down the video I decided to leave the chat room up for those who wanted to hang out and talk about the days stream.

I didn't even want to look at my viewer count, I didn't want to look at statistics for the day or even at how much money I had made. I knew it had to have been a lot.

Even with the average donation just being a couple dollars there had been two, three digit doozies in there, with the last one being tied to a command to try and convince ponyvilles local Alicorn princess that I was also a one hundred percent legit alicorn princess.

I'd never known fast talking for an hour straight could be so draining, even before incredibly unhelpful followup commands like "While you're at it tell her that Princess Celestia was originally the Princess of cheese." I still didn't even entirely understand what an Alicorn was exactly! How did I pull that off?!

I let out a long moan and rested my head against my desk, realizing I should really do SOME research about this show. It hadn't turned out to be the pastel colored horse brushing simulator I'd expected it to be from looking at the cover.

I glanced at the clock, really wanting to just flop into bed right now and try to recover some energy, I'd never felt so exhausted just sitting at my desk and playing a game all day before. But I knew I should grab an actual meal to eat, shower, check my finances, my email, my hosting service for the donation system and maybe watch some of the actual show before I even thought about bed.

"I'm going to be doing this all day everyday for at least a week." I moaned as I wondered what new challenges the viewers were going to throw at me tomorrow. "What have I gotten myself into?"

Badges Granted:

Cranky Doodle Donkey: Meet a perfect match and then leave the poor guy wondering if he will ever see that beautiful mare again. ("This is not the kind of badge you should be proud of.")

Suplex A Train: Unlock the power of the most awesome martial arts move in existence. ("I think I let that work mostly because my processors froze up just trying to understand the thought process that lead to it.")

Friends In Creepy Places: Befriend one of the following: changeling, skeleton, shadow hand, giant spider, cockatrice, forgotten one, draconequus, tax collector. ("The list goes on but don't take that as encouragement to try and get a badge for befriending all of them.")

Highlander: Tell an element of harmony that there can only be one and then strike her down. ("Heeeere we are! Born to be ponies with the help of the Princess of the unnnnniversssse!")