• Published 8th Jul 2014
  • 5,266 Views, 165 Comments

Twitch Plays Equestria Online - NuclearPony

With Equestria Online being the most popular game around it was only a matter of time until someone did something really stupid with it.

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Day 9, Hour Seven

Twitch Plays Equestria Online

Part 4

I was walking into near certain death and I was really happy about it.

"I'm so proud of you guys." I murmured quietly for the Nth time as I stalked closer to the changeling hive. We'd gotten a lot closer to the defended outpost without being detected than a neon pink zebra and a giant spider had any right to.

I tore my eyes away from the pony pad for a scant few seconds to glance at the stream chat.

Lily: Im jinda worreid, im ean I now no on ever perma dies in qeqstria but I rlly want speedrnnrr to not screwup this resucue DANG HOOVES!1
Warthogboy: Yes we know youve only said that like twenty times since that guy commanded you to accept the quest to go save this colt
Youmustconstructmorepylons: I know youre not proud of me lol I got a betting pool on whether you fail or not
EagerforBeavers: Im amazed theres even changelings in the game, though I guess it makes sense that how dangerous places are varies from shard to shard
LParkIsLife: I command you to swallow your own tongue and die
SkullMare: I command you to look for a secret entrance
TLnRDForLife: Guh, are we actually accomplishing something again? I thought that had stopped when the chan tards found this place.
PurpleHorseWaifuOP: I command you to check the front entrance.
twitchaholic: This is so much gay that has everb nee gay in the history of gay you pony fuckers are all gay
RobotNixon2016: You go grrrl! Save the colt! Save the day! Get swag!
Lyra: Hi lily!
KittensGalore: Im really glad I didn't miss the stream today!
PlaidBattleCruiser: Good luck! Looks like you're going to need it for this one...

I grinned and resumed climbing the mountain. "Don't worry about it bud, I got this." The hive was just ahead, crowning the very top of the mountain and disguised to look like the rocks it was built upon. If it wasn't for the changelings flying out of it every so often it would have been impossible to spot.

I ducked behind a boulder just as a group of changelings flew off from an area that looked like an immense door. My spider buddy was using a boulder disguise built from webbing and rock fragments to hide himself, he had offered me one but that webbing he used was way too sticky for anyone but him to use it seemed.

Staring at the rocky mountain top I pondered how best to go about infiltrating it. Surely there would have to be other... Ding. I heard the chiming of a bell that said my five minutes was up. Time for a new suggestion! I glanced at the command screen.

PurpleHorseWaifuOP: I command you to check the front entrance.'

I nodded my head in silent assent, not wanting to vocalize the command lest my character do so as well this close to where there were surely changeling guards, it would display for the chat in a few seconds anyway. In the meantime I edged right up to the rock face and pressed myself against it, ever so slowly moving towards the front entrance and what sounded like a conversation.

"Do you ever wonder why were here?" I heard a changeling ask.

"That is a great question. I mean why are we here? What cruel twist of fate birthed us out of an egg into a world of darkness, ooze and bureaucracy where our very natures demand we live a life of being emotional parasites? Destined to hunt for love but never to receive it freely."

"What? No you idiot, I was asking why we built our hive on a mountain top out in the middle of nowhere."

"Oh... Yeah that is a good question."

"I mean there is literally no food here. Why couldn't we have built the hive some place where ponies actually live?"

"Well no food aside from that colt we found the other day."

"Do you really think a single colt is going to feed the whole hive? The queens had him locked up in her chambers since we found him, well be lucky if we get table scraps."

"Heyyyy yeah. Remind me again where the queens chambers are?"

"Same place it always is idiot. Down the stairs from the throne room, other side of that stupid chasm. Why? Are you thinking about sneaking in to try and grab a..." The changeling trailed off as he finally glanced over and saw my giant spider had his friend subdued in a web and I was about to hit him with a kick. "Yeah in hindsight that was a weird quesTOOFHH!" The air went out of his lungs with a good kick and he doubled over.

After tying the guards up in web Spidey stashed both of them underneath his fake boulder. This wasn't an entirely ideal way to deal with two guards, just having them missing from their posts was going to raise an alarm eventually, but it had been worth it for that little piece of intelligence.

I snerked as I thought about that. "Funny how the least intelligent members of a force are often the ones who can provide the most intelligence to the enemy." I muttered as I walked into the darkness beyond the entrance. It took a while for my eyes to adjust, fortunately I didn't have to walk too far before bio luminescent goo started splotching the walls in seemingly random places.

This deep into their lair I stopped worrying that every boulder or tree might be a changeling in disguise. If we'd gotten this far it was because we had slipped past whatever sentries there were watching the approaches, sentries that were probably too hungry right now to give proper attention to their posts. I grinned, whoever was in charge here had forgotten the simple lesson that an army always marches on its stomach.

I managed to carefully check at least two empty rooms before the next command came.

LorealUsesAnimalTesting: I command you to loudly state all of your intentions at the top of your lungs.

I paused in mid step. My pulse sky rocketed and for just a split second I pondered disregarding this order and discarding it in favor of another. I shook my head, that would be dishonest. It was a command that was well within the rules I had established for my stream. I snorted in contempt. You think you can put an end to my efforts so easily? I would definitely prefer helpful suggestions in order to stealthily conduct this rescue but if I had to fight every single changeling standing between here and the pony I was going to rescue then so be it. I was NOT going to fail.

"Go ahead, bring me your worst! I intend to save that colt no matter what you throw at me!" I screamed at the chat, while my avatar screamed it into the empty hallways.

An echo reverberated back at me for a few seconds before the air was filled with outraged sounding shrieks as the changelings realized their inner sanctum had been invaded. I charged forward, not able to gallop at full speed without leaving my giant spider buddy behind. This slowed us down enough for multiple changelings to find and swarm over us, but between the two of us we were pretty good at fighting.

"I'm kicking him over to you!" I yelled at Spidey as I bucked, sending a changeling flying towards him that he spat a line of webbing at, swinging the changeling while he was still in mid air like a holey mace.

"I'm dodging and then I'm gonna kick you in the.. yeah do that!" I ducked under the blade one of the changelings had and kicked up hard, pummeling the changeling almost all the way to the ceiling. I wasn't quite able to keep up my shouting with my commands but I tried.

A changeling wearing glasses and a tie walked out of the closest room. "What is all this commotion?!"

I spun on my hooves and reared up. "IM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!"

"Oh nooooo!!!" The poor terrified changeling managed to scream before I sent him flying back into his office.

And so it continued for a few more minutes, the changelings were endless in number and they started to press us into a corner. Me and Spidey were backed up against a large pair of double doors when they finally gathered their wits and rushed us at once. "IM GOING TOOOooof!" I winced as the changelings hit me like a team of football players, knocking all of us through the doors behind us.

"I'm going to try and disentangle myself!" I muttered, spitting out the changeling leg that had been in my mouth first and trying to push aside the ones piled on top of me. When I got my head clear I paled at the sight of what we had stumbled into.

This was definitely the throne room. And occupying almost its entire space was what seemed like the entire population of this hive. The entire, dreary, sleepy looking population...

I raised my eyebrows at that and noticed up on the throne itself was a changeling queen, still droning on while reading from what looked like a script. "And I would also like to draw every ones attention to the matter of proper cover sheets. Uhhh, yeah, so it seems I got a few quarter hourly reports here in the last week from our forest sentries that appear to have pink cover sheets with pictures of sunflowers drawn on them. Mmmkay that's just not the appropriate way to file a quarter hourly status report."

A pink haired changeling near the back of the crowd looked at the floor dejectedly. "I'm sorry, I'm still pretty new to this living in perpetual darkness stuff. Would it help if I used a darker paper?"

"I'm going to lay here on the floor and ponder how no pony has noticed us yet except now you probably have because I am shouting so I'm going to kick my way out of this pile of changelings and then kick every one of you in the bucking face!" I shouted, finally managing to fight my way free of the mob that had piled on me.

The white haired changeling queen banged her head against her podium. "What now?!" She cried, stepping down from her throne and walking across the expansive room just in time for me to free myself and spidey.

I looked up at her tall imposing figure. She wasn't chrysalis, she was even taller and wispier, wearing a pair of reading glasses across the bridge of her nose.

Ding, went the chime indicating I had a new command.

I glanced at it and tried to suppress a whimper. "Viewer shadowcat wants me to ask why a changeling hive is ruled by someone who looks like such a dork..." I moaned just loudly enough to be heard.

A gasp spread throughout the entire hive and I took it as a very bad sign that the changelings which had been trying to dog pile me into submission now scrambled to get away from me as fast as they could.

The queen stared at me in slack jawed disbelief for a while before developing a facial twitch. Her lips twisted back to bare very angry looking fangs and green fire engulfed her entire body.

Then the flames grew.

And grew...


I was backing up to try and crane my neck to see the top of the flames when they subsided. Green flame dancing across the black scales of a dragon that now occupied half the throne room. On the edge of my awareness not dedicated to comprehending my full doom I was aware of the terrified screams of changelings fleeing the throne room. "Run, shes in a mood!" "She'll kill us all!"

Slowly and with deliberation the great black dragon reached a claw up and plucked a ridiculously tiny pair of glasses off of the bridge of her nose, handing them down to an assistant who quickly flew away with them.

"I'm sorry. I don't think I caught your name." She growled, scorching hot air billowing out of her mouth.

"Its... Speed Runner." I sputtered, chuckling uneasily.

"I thought It was something about viewing shadowy cats?"

"Oh. No, that's the guy who wanted me to ask that question." I risked a glance over my shoulder to see Spidey had already bailed on me and was running as fast as his eight legs could carry him for... a set of stairs that I remembered lead the way to the queens chambers.

"Well then Speed Runner, tell me something." She leaned that massive draconic muzzle down until it filled the entirety of my pony pads screen. "How fast can you run?"


My whole body was on fire, but I had bigger problems to deal with first.

I was running down a hallway with a random changeling running beside me, I could understand why he wasn't attacking me. If I heard those kind of furious roars coming from my monarch I'd run too instead of being anywhere remotely close to her. "Hey, I think we lost her! Why don't you stop and see?" The changeling suggested while running for dear life. I glared in return, just from the sounds I knew she was still no more than ten feet behind us. I would have tripped him if I thought it would have slowed the dragon down for even a millisecond.

So obviously I was mentally prepared when he tried to trip me instead, bouncing over him and carrying on running without falter. I needed to escape and I needed water, but even after running blindly down who knows how many corridors trying to find one that was small enough a dragon couldn't pursue me down it I had yet to either lose the dragon or find something to put myself out with. And losing the dragon took priority at the moment.

By chance I finally stumbled across that underground chasm the guard at the door had mentioned. With a rock bridge spanning across it that was only wide enough for a pony and stalactites all over the ceiling I dared let myself hope for a second that I might escape death!

Then the bell rang to indicate a new command from a viewer.

SpikeNeedsMoreScreenTime: I command you to jump down into that chasm.

Without slowing down for a moment I aimed for the edge instead of the bridge, flying off of it and into open air. "DAMNIT GUYS! REALLY?!" I screamed at the chat, having a few moments to glare angrily at the chat screen while I fell.

PlaidBattleCruiser: I dont think I wished you enough luck o.O
CellPhoneDEahtRadaration: I haven't seen the wedding episode yet, im still on the first season
LiquidHercules: Can that dragon fly?

I glanced back at the pony pad and saw the dragon jump off the cliff, folding her wings to dive after me. "AUUGH!" I screamed in incoherent rage.

KatSnacks: Whats the dragon doing?
Lyra: Is that the chasm the guard was talking about?
BobDole: I command you to... aww I missed it.
AstronautJohnMadden: The wedding episode is awesome, I watched it years ago when it first aired and Chrysalis had fangroups and fan art drawn of her before the episode was even over.
AnInfiniteNumberOfDerpies: Theres no way she's getting out of this alive. So what happens then? Is the colt really doomed or will Spidey rescue him?
BishopNantow: Is it wierd that Spidey reminds me of my late aunt?
KillerInstinct94: Wow this is really not going well right now
TastyPizzaRolls: Guys why are we being so douchey to her with these commands? She needs help right now!
HarryPothead: I hope she doesnt survive the fall, I bet like a hundred dollars on her not making it to the queens chambers.
Aponywholikesfighterjets: She's got to just start disregarding commands and worry about saving that colt!
God: You can do it speed runner! I believe in the pink striped princess!
SaltyGambler: Crazy zebra vs mad as hell changeling queen in dragon form! Raise your dongers!

I whipped around in mid air, seeing only blackness bellow. When I looked over my shoulder I caught a momentary glimpse of the dragon falling after me and what looked like a spider falling just behind her. My cardboard wings brushed against my muzzle and blocked my vision. "Gah! Stupid wings!... wait." I stared at those wings for a second.

If they were actually made of cardboard and not some other stronger material they should have long since burned up as they were even now still on fire, this left me wondering how strong they were. Strong enough to glide?

"ROOOAAAARRRRRRRR!!" Now or never! I could see the Dragon was just about on me. Falling faster than I was and with her mouth wide open to gobble me up in a single bite. Putting my hooves on those fake cardboard wings I pushed down on them and was able to alter my flight path enough to avoid the snapping jaws. I was falling right beside the dragons shoulders now and bounced off of her back as soon as my hooves made contact, gaining just enough altitude to get above the dragon and see it was indeed Spidey falling down the chasm with us, a thread of spider silk trailing behind him.

"Catch me Spidey!" I shouted! And like any good friend he did. The line he was hanging from snapped taught as he arrested our descent and after bouncing against the chasm wall a couple times we stopped falling. Below us I could see the dragon start to tumble end over end after extending her wings to try and fly only to find the chasm to be too small to open her wings in. She vanished into the darkness but her roar echoed for some time after.

Spidey rapidly patted my whole body down with a large swath of what seemed like silk cloth, extinguishing the flames that had up until now been a lower priority than not being eaten. "I think we should leave quickly." I said. Spidey hadn't even waited for me to say so, already pulling both of us up. I hugged his chitinous torso. "Thanks for pulling my butt out of the fire. You're the best giant spider a mare could ever ask for."

It took a few minutes even for a climber as agile as Spidey was to ascend back to the top of the chasm. In that time all I could do was watch the countdown to the next command and feel terror welling up again.

HarryPothead: thats actually a great suggestion man, would she reject a command to stand perfectly still for five minutes in the midst of a hostile enviroment?
TacoIguana: thats just cruel, why would you command her to do that?
twitchaholic: What other ways can we ca screw with her right now?
KRoolKrok: I like that
KingDeeDeeDiDeedum: Why are we trying to screw with this? Dont we want her to get to victory road so she can beat the final four?
LParkIsLife: I command you to stand perfectly still
OrthopedicGoatSimulator: I command you to jump back in the chasm
LaughingBuddha: I command you to fight as hard as you can to save that colt, I just wish I could do more to help than command. :(
SkeletronZX: I command you to run for your life!
OwLinAPoniesBody: You guys are all jackasses you realize?
WarthogBoy: I just love these blatant attempts to derail a good natured persons efforts for shits and giggles<-sarcasm
Changeling456: You suck! You punched me in the face! Why would you do that?!
GrizzlyGundam: I must say its been depressing just SITTING here and watching this tragedy unfold. Yet I cant look away...
OldPizzaCrustisDelicious: I command you to lick spideys body.
LacrossMacross: Why does anyone care what happens in some dumb virtual world anyway?

I shuddered as I read some of those potential commands. The seconds were ticking away now to my next one and I didn't know what I would do if...

"RAAGGGH! WHY WONT YOU JUST DIE!" I heard an angry voice scream from below just a second before the Changeling Queen flew out of the chasm, back in her original form. I spun around and was ready with a retort when the sound of the command bell chiming froze my blood again. I closed my eyes and prayed to Celestia before looking.

LaughingBuddha: I command you to fight as hard as you can to save that colt, I just wish I could do more to help than command. :(

I smiled and almost felt tears come to my eyes as I read this. "I wish you could too Laughing Buddha. I really could use all the help I could get right now."

The Queen snarled and stalked closer to me. "Who are you talking too?"

"The voices in my head! They're telling me to defeat you!" I yelled back, striking a defiant pose.

The Queen snorted and matched my smile with a more sinister one. "Did they now? Well... did they tell you 'how' to defeat me?"


This just wasn't my day. I thought as the changeling queen slammed my head again and again into the Ice statue, shattering it and possibly cracking my skull. I was torn between feeling guilty that it was my avatar feeling that instead of me and feeling glad that I couldn't feel it. Spidey was tearing off down the mountain side as fast as he could, carrying a screaming colt in his arthropod arms. We hadn't really had time to do anything but shout "Were here to rescue you!" and then grab the kid. So maybe a half burnt up pink zebra and a giant spider aren't the ideal rescue team, beggars cant be choosers kid.

I braced my fore hooves against the statue and kicked out, planting my hooves squarely in the changeling queens jaw and sending her flying backwards.

Panting for breath I yelled at Spidey. "You cant stop, you have to go on without me!" He stopped and turned around for a moment, obviously too far down the mountain to hear me clearly. "I SAID KEEP GOING!" he shook an arachnid arm at me as though to say 'what do you think I was doing!?' before turning back around and continuing his flight.

I turned around to see the Queen picking herself up out of the snow. "I swear, if you knocked out a fang I will tie you to the ceiling AND EAT YOU SLOWLY FROM THE BOTTOM UP!"

"Okay I think I need to run now." I was about to do so when the bell chimed to indicate my next command.

NonLethalWeapon4: I command you to take that statue with you!

I was REALLY getting to dislike the sound of that bell.

I pried at the statue as hard as I could. The queen stalked towards me, magic gathering on her horn as she prepared a spell blast. "What are you even doing now? Are you some kind of crazy ponOOFGH!" She started to ask, cut off in mid sentence as a hoof met her face once again.

I blinked in confusion as the queen was knocked to the snow again. A Grey stallion stood over her with a cutie mark that was a fat, laughing pony in a robe. Suddenly something a viewer had said clicked in the back of my mind and I just stared in shock. "Wait... You're Laughing Buddha!"

This pony who shouldn't have been here turned around and smiled back at me. "Laughing Monk here in Equestria."

I shook my head to try and clear it. "Why? How?!" I yelled.

The stallion laughed. It was indeed a beautiful laugh that he had, very much befitting his name. It was like merry little bells chiming in the wind of a schoolyard full of happy foals. "Why? Thats kind of a silly question isn't it? You're in shit up to your neck! As for the how. I simply asked CelestAI if there was anyway I could help. She said yes and sent me here, simple as that."

I glanced at the chat for a moment to see if this was some prank and the real LaughingBuddha was in there confused as to why some pony was claiming to be him. Instead all I saw was surprise to mirror my own.

HarryPothead: What just happened?
theSAITkid: Is that really a guy from the chat?
KampfWagon: I command you to wait. fuck what Am i even doing? Like? Why have I been wasting so much of my time this last week trying to troll thistream?
Lyra: Wait, could we do that too or is that just a human thing?
Celestia: If you wanted too you certainly could Lyra.
PhotonCluster: Thats actually pretty cool, you can do multiplayer on these things?
BishopNantow: I might need to buy myself a pony pad...
RedStoneSuperComputer: Why am I just watching Runner struggle with these chat assholes when I can be helping?
tacoIguana: Whoa! Cool! how many players do you think one shard could support?
TheRealAdamJensen: Im looking forward to my trip to japan more with each passing day
LionQueen: I dont even feel like issuing a command anymore after seeing that. Well maybe a few...
Dan5682190: Im out. Im just out. I dont like where this is going, this sis lik some kind of plot. it was right fromt ehs start i see that now is gointto be like she gets into all our heads by making us faill in love with this guys stream and tehn we jon some cult and
GrizzlyGundam: Hah! Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? For that matter why am I wasting time here when I could be there? :D
SkeletronZX: Dude, i want in on this action!
HarryPothead: No seriously, wtf just happened?!!!!

I was about to dispute being in such deep shit when the changeling Queen pulled her head out of the snow, minus a few teeth. "KILL YOU SO HARD"! She screamed ferally. Deciding there was no more time to fool around I gave the ice statue one more good heave, breaking it off of its base and then swinging it around in the same motion to smash the changeling queen across the head.

My breathing was pretty erratic but I still managed to put on an air of self assurance as I leaned against the ice statue that was now smothering one changeling queen. "Ive been up to my neck in shit for over a week now. I think I'm getting the hang of keeping my head above it." Yet I still leaned over and gave this stallion a hug. "But thank you so much for caring enough to come to help. I could use more friends like you and Spidey." He returned the hug and then both of us picked up the statue off the unconscious queen and booked it down the mountain side as fast as we could.

Even with an entire changeling army in hot pursuit as I lugged a useless statue at breakneck pace down a mountain I couldn't help but feel as though a giant weight had just been lifted off my shoulders.

Badges granted:

True to your word: Follow through on a promise made despite conditions of extreme duress. ("If your viewers told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?")

Not intimidated: Press the attack for a good cause while outnumbered and overpowered. Then win. ("My centre is giving way, my right is retreating, situation excellent, I am attacking.")

Calling your shots: let your opponents know exactly what you plan to do and then do it anyway. ("Im going to punch your face. In the face...")