Derpy Hooves hasn’t had much luck in life. Aside from having a bad set of eyes and being a poor flier, she isn’t exactly the best at working her job. All she wants is love, a stallion who will accept and love her for being the pony she is.
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"dressed exactly as she was" - I found this sentence momentarily misleading, and had to read it again for clarity.
Also, a few instances of repetition:
"had a smiley face smiley face"
"stuff was done the found found themselves on a walk" - also you probably meant 'they' instead of 'the'
I think there was one more, but I can't find it.
Some cases of things missing:
"walk with me yer mom in a few" - missing 'and'
"My due date three months from now" - missing 'is'
"voice now sound" - ed
There are a few more of these, but I don't want to seem overly nit-picky...
A potential continuity issue with Appaloosa being referenced in the flashback, because if I remember correctly at the time of the show Appaloosa was shown as being a recent development, so it probably wouldn't have existed during the time of the flashback in this story. But, I might be mistaken.
Right, stuff like that aside, I enjoyed this chapter. I am really curious as to where this will go because I can see a number of possibilities, but actually have no idea what will happen. Looking forward to more!
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Thanks very much for pointing those out
Fixed the first mistake and will tackle the others tonight. I have a tendency to not see some of these types of errors when I re-read the same passage over and over while editing. Much appreciated
It's funny. I saw a fan comic a while back where Trouble Shoes incorrectly referenced Appaloosa to the CMC as a place he lived when he was younger (which didn't happen in the episode) only to have one of them point it out. Once called out Trouble Shoes became... unsettling. I'll check "Over a Barrel" tonight.
Normally I don't like going back to fix things after publishing (dislike the whole "just fix it later mentality"). It's too easy to pull something for editing and mistakes say a bit about an author's growth. However those are worth fixing. Thanks again ^^
Also, thanks for the kind words. Glad to hear you're enjoying the story and its maintaining a bit of suspense
It's a great story so far. I wander if Thunderlane will accept Derpy condition. All doe I notices that Thunderlane sounds somewhat cheap when he keeps talking about how spending money, is he just oblivious how how of a killjoy he sounds like or is he really tie on money in general and can go in too many luxuries because of that?
Yes I love it! there's so many ways this can go and I can't wait to see them! For that you get a spikestach
Wow this was a really sweet chapter. Yay derpy finally has things going her way. I hope things continue in a good direction.