Deep in the cavernous pit called Tartarus and ancient evil cackled mightly.
"AH HA HA!" his laugh echoed, silencing the other denziens of the depths. "Foolish ponies! I've found something to help me! Something that will set me free and you will never be the wiser."
Far, far above, a celestial being, neither Celestia nor Luna, heard the laugh and he knew what must be done. The world warped and he brought forth events that would free him, in due time. Strangely, the events coalesced quicker than he expected.
“Come on class, we’ve got a lot to see!” called a teacher. “Now this is another interesting exhibit, much like the one in the garden. Here we have the avatar of death, Thanatos, who was imprisoned millennia ago so no one else would open his gateway to Tartarus.”
Hey Discord, mind releasing me when you're done? I need to watch the gates. Who knows what got through, a deep masculine voice spoke to Discord's mind.
Of course, was the response. Like all the statues, Thanatos was imprisoned long ago. There are a multitude in the Canterlot castle and one in the ruins of the old castle. They can talk to each freely, and never seem to get bored.
List of the Statues
The Good
Avatar of suffering, Strife.
Avatar of darkness, Midnight.
Avatar of lies, Loki.
Avatar of cold, Brynth.
Avatar of gluttony, Girth.
Avatar of lust, Smexy. (Chose the name herself)
Avatar of sloth, Sloth.
Avatar of wrath, Fire.
Avatar of pride, Lord.
Avatar of envy, Eliza.
Avatar of chaos, Discord
Avatar of ???, ???. (Ruins)The Bad
Avatar of love, Eros.
Avatar of light, Hemera.
Avatar of health, Cadecus.
Avatar of life, Vida.
Avatar of wind, Anmeos
Avatar of creativity, New.
Avatar of ???, ???.Please note, list incomplete
Discord watched as three fillies towards the front began to argue about what he was the avatar of. After being scorned by the teachers they left and he felt himself be freed. As he flew up he released Thanatos and was releasing the others when they disappeared from the gardens.
"He figured it out. Clever boy," Discord flew off towards castle to begin his plan.
"Tartarus is a dark dismal place. Filled with bats, worms, and an odd smell of ice cream. It is not a location one would describe as comfortable. Most troubling of all are the hidden, quiet whispers of entities trapped there. One can wander there for mere days and find themselves caught in the web of Arachne and moments later in the fiery heart of the land itself. It is impossible to map the land due underlying magic conflux. Never will you find the same place again for it always shifts and moves.
Rumors speak of an entity who lives in the heart of Tartarus herself. This being was imprisoned there after Tartarus sacrificed herself to keep the darkest evils from the world. Such rumors may not be true, but from what I heard, it is real,"
From Starswirl the Bearded's Stis Apagorev̱méni̱ Kti̱matologíou, thirteenth chapter, Tartarus, The Land of Fire and Darkness.
YOU FINALLY UPDATE!
Oh, I'm back on site another time this day and see this thing. Let's see what charming description we have?
Not so much on the awesome scale as you're trying to imply, be assured of that. I'm just going to take a look into this story and see what dredges up.
What I'm getting out of this so far is that we're about to have some very unrealistic scientific bs happen. In which case, I should be ready for this.
"Of course, we had been" <---- That is how it should be with of course being there. Right after the word, "work" there should be a comma and the word, "too" should have one, "o".
Hold up a second, Author. Are you telling me that some kid in school who probably doesn't have the necessary knowledge to make a particle accelerator suddenly just made a particle and his friend made a device that slows down light? Because if that is the case, I'm going to call bullshit again. It's not as if the school is implied to be heavily technologically advanced.
Also, when you use the word, "but" make sure you put a comma in the front of it. Always.
This dialogue is very bland. Are they doing anything at all, or even have emotions?
Just say, "Yeah.". Nobody talks like that if you're smart enough to make a particle accelerator out of whatever you found in that school.
This has probably the most description that I've seen out of this story so far and it has plenty of mistakes, but I'm not going to point them out anymore. Just know that commas are your friend.
The rest of this story has them talking in a jumbled mess about how one girl isn't the only one with pony ears and that every brony is just magically growing pony ears out of their skull. This didn't make me too angry, but I will put a score on this.
6/10 Grammar needs work. Needs to be spaced out more because it's kinda like all the words are claustrophobic. The basic story needs more work and explanation because I don't care what school you come from. Unless you're in the future where everything is easy to make which this seems to not be as such, then no student should be able to make these devices. Also, the entire premise is very cringe worthy. The thought of every brony becoming their pony oc is a very scary idea. Not everyone is mentally stable in this fandom, so yeah...
Get to work.
. . . dang it, now i'm thinking of Doctor Who... wait a sec that gives me another idea...
5476367
Try some of the other fics in the verse
They're not as mediocre
5476410
Ouch.
Just, ouch.
5476414
Sorry
5476414
5476415 Dude... don't offend the boss. We need him.
5476579
*puts on flak vest and helmet*
5476579
5476586
I prefer feminine pronouns.
No worries, I get it.
Oh snap! Things are getting intense! *hides behind pinkie* :O
5476367 gonna have to disagree with you there mate...
Description's not everything if you're not taking the whole context of the plot into account.
Too lengthy and you dull the reader's attention, too short you don't get the idea through.
No one is perfect, chalk it up to the humanity complex we have. Sometimes it's not how accurate a work is, but rather what's in the story itself that sells it.
For example, a nine year old drew an OC for Adventure Time, and even though it lacked style, he made up for it in creativity. The writers were so impressed with this kid's imagination that they spotlighted his character and heck, even gave it its own episode!
Shocker right? No.
Other examples of novels that became famous despite several writing errors are: Harry Potter, Warrior Cats, The Twilight series, etc.
Some works don't even have to be long to convey an idea across. Take, Magic Tree House or other children stories. They're short but sweet and manage to convey the point across just fine.
Another point in case is when you are pointing out the so called 'flaws' in the two characters stated above.
Why can't a kid in school build a working partical accelerator? What makes it that he doesn't have the smarts to do something like this? It doesn't mean they had to build one like you see in a sci-fi movie, heck they could've made it out of an old microwave and some rubber bands lying around! Sometimes Ya gotta improvise. Also, this story is entirely fiction. In case you have not seen the 'fimfiction' logo on the home page, it basically means that people are allowed to write whatever kind of bs story they want and make it work how they see fit. The fact that people are turning into Bronies is already a dead giveaway, but you're seriously only concerned with how the hay they built a particle accelerator?!
Also, I'm chuckling at the fact you don't believe no one says 'Ya' that would be smart enough to be a genius. There are fourteen year old prodigies that say things like 'Ya', 'kay', and 'like' after almost every sentence. It's a short, simple way of communicating a point across without having to really expend a bunch of energy to talk. I bet if someone walked up to Albert Einstein back in the day he would probably go 'Ya', or better yet make funny faces for the cameras!
Just because someone is smart does not make them a grammar nazi.
Overall I really enjoy reading this Author's story and understand the plot just fine regardless of any errors made throughout the chapters. It's got a good plot, and that's enough to hook the readers. It's certainly good enough to hook me in.
If you do not enjoy reading a story simply stop reading it. No one is forcing you to keep going. However, think before you post. That's my two cents.
Keep up the good work MidnightChaos! :)
~ BlueSky is out!
5476586 Hey, you forgot this *throws him a clown mask* you will need it, trust me.
also... i agree that this story needs a rewrite.... now the moment has past, back to work!
5477473 Well, if you can overlook major problems in a fic and still enjoy it then you've got something to work on yourself. There is a reason why some people have standards and why I hope the author rewrites this fic. Once he gets it into tip top shape, then you may defend it. Though, even after edits, there can still be issues that need to have the time and care to make the story better.
One other thing, you must criticize everyone. If you do not criticize someone over a big mess, then they will never get better. So, a person like you will coddle and tell this author that it's the best work it can be while that is a blatant lie. I want this author to get better, that's why I made my comment.
Some authors make it big with an idea that may be horrible to someone with standards. I'm sorry that you may not have the best kind of standards.
5476737
I do hope that this story gets better in the future. I can't wait to see the rewrite. I'm glad you took the review to heart. :D
5476737
Phew!
5478254
*grabs lasgun and puts on mask*
I must look so silly
5479504 no, now you have the power to rob the fbi. and if any you would look like this media.steampowered.com/apps/csgo/blog/images/posts/Halloween.png (the guy with the knife who is about to backstab the police guy. in other words, your now chains from payday 2)
5479533
But I got a laser gun!
5479543 oh yeah... replace the knife with the pompson files.gamebanana.com/img/ss/srends/501c413cdd49e.jpg and your good. (op lazar gun)
5479551
Not the 40k lasgun
Awesome job so far. You damn near tempt me to be part this xD
5483676
Join us! It's nice and cozy here!
5489049 Aww... Your far too kind
5489710
Just stay away from the goop covered closet door... That's Johnny's
5491388 Don't worry. The door with all the ice and tribal markings is mine xP
5491545
Fancy
5491577 You'll see why once I get started on writing it
5491580
And I shall fave it :3
UPDATE THIS NOW
5532080
I have...
Six? Other actually being updated stories.
May be a bit.
5532089 ok
Damn it man (or lady)!
We need to know the plan! The big three are almost all to Chicago!
5575371
Ok. Ok.
I've got multiple stories happening atm, so..
Next chapter will be done this week.
5575395
5575395 Are the chapters already posted rewriten?
5576392
Not yet. I'm going to have them edited rather than rewritten.
5576497 Would you republish them when that happens?
5576588
Yes...
5576671 Awesome Jazz.
Can you continue the story please?
UPDATE >:(
5884211
He (or she) is already working on them at the moment. Shouldn't be too much longer (I hope).
5908236 I hope so too *worryingly hugs*
:)
Um...........Are you Greek midnight?