The Hay Burger grew ever bigger as the six ponies neared the restaurant.
“Tell me again why you chose this place?” Rarity asked, obviously unimpressed with its outward appearance.
“A few years before I moved to Ponyville, I visited Manehattan with the princess. When I went out into the city to explore, I found this neat little restaurant with some of the nicest ponies I’ve ever met,” she explained, fondly recalling her time there.
Her memories were cut short, however, by a familiar sight.
“Hey! That’s the big meanie weenie who bumped into you at the hospital!” Pinkie stated, frowning through the window towards the filthy, blue mare. “Wait a second. Isn’t that Trixie?”
At that, all the ponies quickly looked through the front window. Sure enough, standing in the center of the room, was Trixie.
“Full of nice ponies?” Rainbow Dash spat. “Yeah right! I should go in there and give her a piece of my mind!”
“It looks as though she’s had it rough since we last saw her,” Rarity added, clearly disgusted with her current appearance. “She’s probably had to live on the streets. With the reputation she has, I wouldn’t let her stay with me.”
“Well serves her right. She’s nothin’ but trouble,” Applejack said, her words laced with venom.
“Girls!” Twilight stated in shock. “Nopony deserves that, not even Trixie. Besides, I told you she apo—Hey! Rainbow, get back here!” Before she even had time to finish, Rainbow Dash had already barged through the door.
“Hey Trixie!” Rainbow yelled, rushing towards the showmare.
As soon as Trixie turned around, Rainbow Dash hit her with as much force as she could. At that moment, the atmosphere in the room changed. Before Rainbow had time to continue, she was thrown to the ground by two mares who had previously been sitting in the corner. Quickly getting to her hooves, she stared at them in anger.
“Don’t even think about it,” one of them said, shooting a murderous look at Rainbow Dash. When Rainbow opened her mouth to respond, the door behind her opened once again.
“Rainbow Dash! What do you think you’re doing?” Twilight yelled, pulling her hot-headed friend back.
The occupants could do nothing but stare in shock. Standing before them was one of Equestria’s princesses.
“Y-You,” Trixie sputtered, staring at Twilight.
Rainbow Dash closed her eyes and smirked, happy to have gotten Trixie’s attention. As she opened her eyes again, however, she noticed something unusual.
Trixie wasn’t staring at Twilight with recognition, or jealousy, or even spite. Instead, her eyes were filled with absolute terror; the kind of terror you see from a pony who’s seconds away from death.
“T-Trixie? Are you… Are you okay?” Twilight asked, growing nervous about the situation.
At that moment, Trixie began to sob. “P-Please! L-Let this be a dream!” Trixie cried out, backing towards the far corner of the room, covering her face with her hooves. “Please, Celestia! Wake me from this nightmare!” she screamed, grabbing her head in pain, memories of her dream returning.
Rushing forward, Constellation grabbed Trixie, pulled her into a hug, and shot Rainbow Dash a furious glare. “What did you do to her?” she demanded.
“I-I was just…” Rainbow, at a loss for words, rushed out of the restaurant. Fluttershy shot an apologetic look towards Constellation and went after her friend.
By this time, Trixie had grown silent, falling into an unconscious state. “Come on, Stella. We need to get her back to the hospital,” Dipper suggested.
“Back to the hospital?” Twilight asked in surprise.
Suddenly reminded of the alicorn princess standing before them, the occupants of the room bowed.
“P-Princess, forgive me for being rude, but we need to go. Now,” Constellation said, looking more confident than she felt.
“Of course. I understand completely,” Twilight said, smiling gently and turning to address one of the other ponies in the room. “So… what did you mean ‘back to the hospital’? I saw her walk out of it earlier. Has she been visiting it a lot recently?” she asked, a little bit concerned for the showmare.
“Visiting? No, my dear. She’s been living there for nearly two months now,” said the old voice of Miss Felinisity. “She’s only been awake the last couple of weeks, though.”
Twilight and her friends stared in shock. Whatever answer they were expecting, that wasn’t it.
“If I may ask, whatever happened?” Rarity spoke up, looking at the sleeping showmare.
“She was attacked. Nearly killed. Put in a coma for a month. As if that wasn’t punishment enough for this poor mare. The mare you’re looking at isn’t Trixie. But a weak and scared shell. Amnesia can be tough on the mind…”
Pinkie gasped in shock, putting a hoof over her mouth. Applejack looked down at the showmare who wronged her in the past. “Ah can’t pretend to like her, but nopony deserves somethin’ like that.” She said, looking at Trixie with pity.
Rarity nodded her head in agreement. “Personally, I think she had it coming.” She said, earning a glare from the injured mares friends. “She didn’t deserve it of course.” Rarity added. “It’s just, with her reputation combined with her attitude. She wasn’t exactly the best company.”
“I’d have agree’d with you two months ago. But now I can’t help but like her.” Dipper said, petting Trixie’s ruined mane.
“She’s so nice to everypony.” Mr. Hay added, walking forward. “She’s always complimenting everypony else, putting others above her.”
Applejack and Rarity shared unbelieving looks. Twilight gently picked Trixie up in her magic, turning towards the door. “Well let’s get her back to the hospital, make sure she’s okay.”
…………………………………………
Rainbow Dash looked out over Manehattan, laying on a cloud high above the ground. “I only hit her once, it wasn’t even that hard! So why did she freak out like that. And why does it bother me so much?” Rainbow thought, shoving her face into the cloud with a grown.
“Dashie?” Fluttershy asked, looking at her friend with concern. “Are you okay?”
Rainbow Dash sat up, turning towards her friend. “I don’t know why that happened! I hit her yeah, but I was just angry at seeing her again! Especially after the last time we saw her…” The pegasus said, looking at her friend with sad eyes.
“I get where you’re coming from Rainbow Dash. But running into a crowded restaurant, and punching a pony, doesn’t exactly make her look like the bad pony. She looked like she was having a rough time in the first place, so perhaps that punch did more harm than intended.” Fluttershy said, looking at her friend with a soft, supportive smile. “I think you should go apologize to her.”
Rainbow simply stared at fluttershy. “How? She’d probably not want me anywhere near her.” She said, stepping off the cloud, beginning to float slowly to the ground.
“Just say it. Walk straight up to her and apologize.” Fluttershy said, flying next to her rainbow maned friend. “ Whether she accepts or not is up to her. But you still have to play your part.”
“It seems so much easier after hearing it from you. I sat there, thinking of the best way I could do it. But nothing seemed right.” Rainbow Dash said, giving a grateful smile towards her shy friend.
“Sometimes, it takes a friend to help make a choice.” Fluttershy said with a smile.
“Thanks Fluttershy. Come on, let’s g- Hey! Everypony is going into the hospital!” Rainbow Dash said, watching her friends enter the hospital, carrying Trixie. Rainbow stared in fear, afraid she had hurt Trixie worse than she thought. “Q-Quick! Let’s go!” Without waiting, Rainbow Dash rushed towards her friends.
“Rainbow Dash! Wait up!” Fluttershy quickened her pace, watching a Rainbow Dash rushed into the hospital. As Fluttershy landed, she rushed through the doors.
…………………………………………..
“What do you mean I can’t see her?! I just need to apologize!” Rainbow yelled, glaring at Constellation.
“When?! After you hit her some more?! I don’t think so!” Constellation yelled back, returning Rainbow Dash’s glare.
“Please girls! There’s no need to fight! Let’s all just calm down.” Twilight said in annoyance, stepping between the two angry mares.
“Aw come on Twi, we’re in a hospital. Ain’t no reason to worry.” Applejack added, watching the scene with a large grin.
“Not helping Applejack!” Twilight yelled, shooting a glare at her friend.
“WILL YOU PONIES SHUT UP?!” Nurse Flitter screamed, eye twitching with annoyance. Behind her Twinkle was rolling on the floor, laughing at her friends outburst. “Trixie’s awake. She said she doesn’t care if she has visitors. You can go see her now. Except for you princess.”
“What? Why?”
“Well when she asked who was here to see her. I mentioned you, which seemed to bother her greatly. She said she didn’t care who came in, as long as it wasn’t the purple one.” Flitter added, shrugging her shoulders.
“She should stay too.” Constellation added, pointing her hoof towards Rainbow Dash.
“As if! I’m going to apologize. Whether you like it or not.” And with that, Rainbow Dash rushed towards Trixie’s room.
“Let’s give her a couple minutes.” Fluttershy chimed in, earning a look from the starry couple. “She needs to apologize. And it will be easier without everypony around.”
“I really don’t like her,” Constellation said, looking at her husband, who simply chuckled.
………………………..
“Trixie? Are you here?” Asked the the pegasus, slowly opening the door. As she looked at the bed, she saw the dirty mare sitting up, nervously looking at her lap. At the sound of her name, she looked up.
“Y-You… You were the one who hit me.” Trixie stated, looking fearfully towards Rainbow Dash. “I-I’m sorry, for whatever it is I did to you. If you need to finish it. Please do it quickly.” She added, closing her eyes, readying herself for the familiar feel of pain.
Rainbow could only stare at surprise. “You’re sorry?! After what I did?!” She asked, eyes widening. “I’m sorry Trixie, for hitting you, and for causing the little freak out you had in the restaurant.”
“S-Sorry? Really?” Trixie could only stare at Rainbow, praying she was being serious.
“Yeah, really,” Dash said, smiling sheepishly at Trixie. “Perhaps I misjudged you. And maybe we can start over. Pretend Ponyville never happened.” she added, putting her hoof out.
“P-Ponyville? You live there?” Trixie asked, ignoring the outstretched hoof, surprised at hearing of the place her friends were moving to.
“Um. Yeah? What, did you lose your memory or something?” Rainbow Dash asked jokingly. Dash’s hoof quickly fell as she looked at Trixie’s sad face. “Insecure? Dirty? Living in the hospital? Acting really weird?” Realization quickly entered Dash’s eyes. “Dear Celestia! I didn’t just hit an unsuspecting mare! I hit an unsuspecting mare with absolutely no clue!” Looking at Trixie, she couldn’t help but feel worse than before. “I-I’m sorry Trixie…”
I just finished reading updates to another story and then I see that this has updated just as I refresh the page.
Its not my birthday for another 5 days, but thanks anyway.
4484213 Oh! Well in five days, Ill like... shout out to you or something :3 xD THAT IS HILARIOUS THOUGH!
Caps lock lol
the voice.......... be hoenst i think you should have saved it for another chapter and focused mostly on trixie reacting to the mane six. perhaps have it that the ponies offer to let trixie stay somewhere in ponyville till she recovers herself. then the voice popping up during the night to covnince her to do so. it would have probably gone smoother in comparison than her randomly asking to go back to ponyville with them. make it her simply accepting it.
actually rainbow dash would have probably have started to get worried and upset with herself when trixie began cringing on the floor like that. and i think it swhould have been Rarity rather than applejack. she might have a negative opinion but she owuld never think anyone deserves just forgettign about it.
with Rarity, well i think she would be rather cold towards her. perhaps not say she desrves it, but perhaps THINK it is for the best anway since the mare has proven to be dangerous to others.
I must say, I think you are taking it a bit to far with aj-bitch
As the story in whole so far, nice! and look at what these two create
The chapter titles, just keep with the one word themes and I think it will be good.
No typos that I could see so that is a bonus point! Keep up the good work!
Fear Stricken, Trixie only said one thing
1. Extra capitalisation. After all, I don't think that's the name of a pony now is it?
I think Rainbow is quite fine, not OOC at all. I think it just hits home on the fact that even if some people see her as (or almost as) egotistical as Trixie, she still has a soft side especially for Scoots so it's not wrong to portray her hurt expression after what she thought what she did was right only to be reprimanded harshly later.
I would also say that women hold grudges but... yeah, you get where I'm going. But I think pure stubbornness is what's causing AJ such well... hate. Or she just sees things as the way they are. Might change, could change but it all depends on her (basically you, because words can't write themselves)
Please dont take this too harshly but to answer your question: Both Rainbow Dash and Applejack are completely out of character.
Neither of them would act like that towards Trixie. I understand the intentions, but there are better ways of doing it. Having rainbow punch her and Apple jack talk about her like that is just....wrong.
Rainbow would be more likely to barge in and give her a piece of her mind rather then strait up punch her, heck it would probably work better, Words can hurt way more then physical violence, and it would make her still seem in character.
Applejack would have her doubts about Trixie but she would not be a bitch about it.
While I am enjoying this story and I do look forward to the next chapter. I cant help but feel that the both AJ and RD should have their parts rewritten. There are better ways of doing what you are trying to do without destroying the characters.
Please consider what have just said as I feel it would help improve the story and make it seem more professional.
Edit: I just noticed there are a lot of other comments saying the same kind of thing I'm saying. Just remember that this criticism is intended to help, so please don't get too discouraged. Im just saying this because Ive seen a number of other authors take this sort to thing way to harshly. You have talent. No spelling or grammar mistakes that I could see, but there are still lots of things that you can work on. Good luck.
Why am I thinking that Rainbow Dash will do anything to make up for what she did to Trixie?
I hate Applejack and Rainbow with a passion, so I'm okay with this.
I'm actually a little disappointed that Rainbow actually wanted to apologize, but that's personal preference. I think she's a little OOC at the end. The first time crying makes sense for Rainbow. I'd probably shed a couple of tears in shame too if I messed up that bad. Though I think that by the second attempt at apologizing, she would have calmed down a bit, or at least stopped the water works.
4484270 That probably would have worked ALOT better... I regret no doing it now T.T But, that's the risk about writing. And I'm a Rarifan ... not much of an AJ fan. Which is why it's Applejack, not Rarity. Though I could see it working a but better that way ... Again... risks.
4484301 As I said before... Not an AJ fan... I'm horrible to her, I know T.T
Lol
That'd work for the best anyway :3
4484307 Thanks mate! Fixed!
That's kinda what I was thinking, :3 glad it worked
I haven't quite decided what I'm gunna do for her... It's just not a Trixie fic without one of the Mane 6 hating her.
4484324 I'll actually try doing that, for Rainbow at least... I want SOMEPONY in the mane 6 to dislike Trixie ... just to spice things up.
4484328 That's what I was thinking! BUTTTTTT! we'll just have to wait and see huh?
Yeah, Applejack being that mean is going a tad bit far. I am glad to see that you are not making Twi out to be evil (at least I hope you don't, since I am speculating about the voice).
4484270
Yeah, that stuff.
Also, I wouldn't bring in voices in the head that suggest external interference unless you need to. It's not necessary if you just want to talk about Trixie, amnesia, and recovering. If there's more going on than just a brutal beating, long-term amnesia, and relationship repair then okay, but otherwise there's no need to bring in semi-ominous voices in the head that seem to know more than they should about what's going on and possibly have a hand in it all. It kinda smacks of Discord just a little a bit.
Also Trixie's sudden interaction with Twilight seems a bit weird in context. I'd suggest Twilight should initially refuse considering that Applejack and Rainbow Dash live there and the ponies in Ponyville might react poorly so it might not be the best place to recover. Maybe with insistent pressing she'd agree?
--
Rainbow seems ok on the characterization, but Applejack seems uncharacteristically mean and rude here. She knows that Trixie doesn't remember much, why should she terrorize her now over a moment of past embarassment that one party doesn't even remember causing?
4484347 Thanks for your feedback ^^ I sadly DON'T have a proofreader. But nothing's perfect, I am proud of how it turned out. Sorry it didn't quite reach your preferred story tastes. Maybe sometime in the future I'll rewrite the fic as a whole.
4484365 Perhaps, though I at least wan't Trixie and Rainbow Dash to be good friends ... unless Trixdash...
4484372 you can always rework the chapter. might delay the next one but improving this one is improving the next one as well.
that line of thoguht with rarit and aj is not a good one. if you reasoning for not writing a character in a negative light is becuase oyu like her, it is not a good enough reason. if anything it will help you balance her out and make it more restrained.
you personal views on a character is not good enough reason to write them in a negative light.
4484390 I'll try not to
4484404 The voice is more so there for a little plot, stuff that'll probably be explained in later chapters.
4484416 I'll probably rework this chapter.
I'd be in favor of a shipping that's not FxF, but given the cause of Trixie's predicament that's somewhat unlikely and might considerably lengthen the story.
4484372 AJ can dislike her that's fine, but having her act like a bitch will probably hurt this story more then the alternative. Just my opinion though.
4484448 I've never been a fan of MxF ships in MLP... But that's just me.
4484451 I agree, looking back at this chapter, it was a bit rushed in some places. I'm gunna rework a little and extend this particular part of the story into a bit more smooth execution.
4484421 with rarity you can have her being mean without her being outright nasty like applejack was. Rarity is far more subtle and could express her opnion without being an ass about it and beign sensible.
that trixie may well have brought it on herself. they were more tolerant but it well could be she angered the wrong ponies. least that is how i hear rarity articulating it. she does not think she Deserves it, but ultimately it wsa probably of her own making.
applejack being mean is better set for the likes ofdiscord or chrysalis, someone FAR more aggressive and dangerous than trixie.
That voice....... Who does magic with a snap? *clears throat* Anyway, story is looking great so far, I can't wait to see how it develops!
Good chapter, nothing more to add.
P.S: how about "Memories" or "Decision" of title, or if you want to leave it like that, also fine
You might want to say who 'she' is. I had to read this paragraph a couple of times to figure it out.
Unless Rai Dash is a new type of pokemon that lives in Equestria, I think you mean Rainbow Dash.
As for the rest of the chapter, I did not read the original, however, I like this. Now, Rainbow feels worse than she did before after realizing that Trixie has amnesia...good. The only other one I feel bad for is Twilight. She really wants to be Trixie's friend, but that's not going to happen as long as Trixie is terrified of her.
4486420 ^^ fixed. And yeas Rai Dash is a new pokemon I created for the story... made her use punch on Trixie. fixed it lol
But yeas! I think I made a decent chapter, well paced, and RD seemed pretty natural. Poor Twilight though,all she wants is friendship.
There is quite a bit of OOC in this story
4486523 T.T
4486531 It is still a very interesting idea though
4486538 ^^ Thanks mate Besides, it's a fanfiction. OOC is allowed
4486549 I think OOC is only okay in certain situations, I'm not too sure about this time, though.... But I do like the idea of what you're doing, especially Trixie being afraid of Twilight.
It's like how Luna was terrified of the Moon in Softening the Stone
4486557 YEAS!
4486559
4486565
4486420 Rai Dash is a special type of rainbow colored raichu that is about 20% cooler than all other raichus
4486603 You get it.
I think the main 6 (save for RD that genuinely feels remorse and is most likely the one that might start liking her) should shove it. Ok-maybe not Pinkie either. She seems less aggressive. Every pony fucked up at least ONCE as bad as Trixie. At least once. Rarity should shove it.
hmmmmmm......... much better. think maybe Rarity would have been a bit more articulate but ultimately this is much better off than before. keep the story to what is important rather than put as many plot points as you can in one chapter. and it being rainbow dash to figure out the poor mare has amnesia...... yeah she would make an interesting messenger for it.
4486844 They should all shove it xD
4486985 Everypony else know's she has amnesia, right?
4487003 oh, missed that part.... again somehow. rainbow was the only one not knowing.
have to see how thigns continue. but you are diong fairly well now. you have to build things up a bit. build up Rainbow's guilt over hurting trixie her, build up her fear of twilgiht. a whole lot of stories do not remember build up.........
4487015 Actually, I can take the line that tells everypony about Trixie's amnesia out. It wouldn't change a thing.
4487020 .......... that owuld be itnersting. especially since...... it does seem a bit private for them to be telling trixie's condition like that........ maybe. it is fine as it is now though.
4487003 They should all shove it.
Twilight did lots of damage (Parasprites, Bats, Want it spell, etc.)
Fluttershy with her anger (Iron Will Training)
Rarity with that spell
AJ with the cupcakes etc etc.
Trixie's control is minor in comparison.
4487051 Yeah, doesn't make much of a difference though. ^^
4487070 Exactly, they have NO room to hate on The Trixie.
4487081 The only one I can't see causing probs would be RD, but even then it just wasn't huge compared to others.
Twilight and her friends need to learn a lesson or two.
First. How did Rainbow Dash get to the cloud if she has an injured wing?
Second. Yeah, don't make this a Twixie, too many out there. Maybe you could pair her with a background character.
4487103 Perhap's I'll do that huehuehue
4487128 I want to see that!
4487127 AGHHHHH! YOU GOT ME!!!!!! Ummmmmm.... she can fly, but slowly?
4487134 but what about happy pink?
4487140 Meh, I will accept that answer.
4487147 Dat too.
4487156 xD
4487233 Indeed