- - - Meet The Gang - - -
I walked along side Pinkie, my saddle bags starting to get heavy. "Where are we going Pinkie?" I asked as I watched the hyper pink pony bounce along the path. She gave me a big smile and continued bouncing. "Silly filly! We're going to go see my friends!" she said happily. I rolled my eyes. "I meant, which friend are we going to see?" I asked as I watched her bounce. Suddenly, she froze in mid-jump, and gently floated to the ground.
She put a hoof up to her face and thought. "Hmm...who should we see first..." she asked herself. "I know! Let's go see AppleJack!" she said, beginning to bounce again. I chuckled and walked beside her, thinking of this pony named Applejack. "Wow. Her parents must have sure liked that cereal." I thought.
Pinkie gave me a confused look. "What cereal?" she asked, stopping her bouncing and starting to walk. I froze in place. "What the-" I said as I stared at her in confusion. "How did you-" I was cut off by Pinkie shoving her hoof in my face, and giving me a big smile. "My Pinkie sense!" she said, pointing her hooves at her head. She then giggled and continued walking, me having no choice but to follow her.
My brain just couldn't keep up with this place. Talking ponies, magic, mind reading? This was too crazy for me to use logic. After a few moments of walking, we came to a big farm with a white picket fence around it, and an apple orchard surrounding it for miles. "Whoa." I said and we walked down the hill.
"Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres! Home of the most friendly family around, the Apple family! And the most honest pony around, Applejack!" Pinkie said happily, waving her hooves in all directions. Again I thought of the cereal. "So where are these ponies?" I asked looking around. We walked through the white arch way and in to the farm, no sign of any equines.
Pinkie frowned. "Hmm. Maybe they're in the barn!" she said, a smile returning to her face. She then bounced to the big red barn, and opened the sliding doors.
Inside was nothing more than a bunch of hay, some giant spindles, and a lantern. "Nope!" Pinkie said, closing the door with a click. Pinkie started calling out names, things like Applejack, Apple bloom, and Granny Smith. The last one made me snicker. Big Macintosh. "What like the laptop?" I said, after Pinkie finished shouting. She shot me another confused look. "Laptop? What's a laptop?" she asked with a giggle. I groaned and said to forget it.
Pinkie then pulled a huge megaphone out of nowhere and started calling the names again. I started to wonder where it had come from, but didn't get much time to think as I was trampled by a small brown and white sheep dog. "Whoa! Nice doggy. Good boy." I said, the dog licking my face. "That's Winona. She's a girl. Silly filly!" Pinkie corrected me, as Winona jumped off of me and ran towards an orange pony with blonde hair that was pulled up in a hair tie at the bottom, and a cowboy hat sat on her head.
"Howdy Pinkie. Who's yer friend here?" she asked, smiling as she walked over to us. Pinkie smiled. "Hi Applejack! This is Lyra, the pony I was telling you about! Lyra meet Applejack, Applejack meet Lyra!" she said, bouncing up and down.
I smiled at the cowpony, holding out my hoof. She shook it and smiled. "Howdy. Hope Pinkie here didn't startle ya. She can be a bit hyper sometimes, but most of Ponyville is much more relaxed." she said. I sighed in relief at the thought that the rest of the town wasn't crazy like the pink mare.
"Well, what can I do for you gals?" Applejack asked, tilting her hat back on her head. Pinkie giggled. "You wanna come with us and meet the gang?" she asked. Applejack nodded and we set off down the dirt path, leaving the sweet smelling apple farm behind.
As we walked down the dirt path, I took in the sights around me, the fresh air, cool breeze, and sounds of nature. AJ and Pinkie chatted about their day, and I followed happily behind, enjoying the outside. "You ready to meet Fluttershy?" Applejack asked me, slowing down so we were side by side.
I nodded and thought about her name. "She must be real shy. Nah, her parents wouldn't name her after her personality." I chuckled softly at my thoughts, walking along the two mares.
Suddenly, Pinkie gasped, causing me to jump and twist my ankle. "Ouch ouch ouch!" I said, lifting up my back hoof. The mares helped me up and tried to help me walk, but I told them I was fine.
Soon we came to a small cottage with a little river flowing around it. We crossed the small bridge and I noted that there were tons of bird houses hanging from the trees, as well as several small dens near the house.
"Doesn't she get frightened by some of these bigger dens?" I asked, looking at a hole big enough for a fox. The mares giggled. "Nah, she takes care of em'. She loves all her animal friends, big or small." Applejack told me, snapping my attention back to the house.
Pinkie knocked happily on the wooden door, and a yellow pegasus with long flowing pink hair opened the door. "Hi Fluttershy!" Pinkie said, bouncing in place. Fluttershy looked around, and squeaked at the sight of me. She then poked her head back into her house, leaving us outside.
"What's her problem?" I asked, curious about the mare's actions. Applejack gave me an apologetic smile. "She's uh...just a little shy when it comes to new ponies." she told me, knocking on the door. "Flutters? Ya ok? Ya wanna come out and meet this here pony?" she asked sweetly. Applejack rolled her eyes and opened the door, revealing the pegasus, hiding in her mane.
She squeaked again, staring up at us. Pinkie smiled. "Fluttershy! Meet our new friend!" she said, pointing at me. I walked up slowly to meet her when my ankle started to hurt again. "Ouch..." I said, stopping to rub my hoof.
Fluttershy gasped. "Oh my Celestia! Your hurt! Please, let me help you." she said, snapping out of her shyness and helping me inside. She sat me down on the couch, and walked into the kitchen. I looked around, spotting several mouse holes in the walls, along with countless birdhouses.
Fluttershy came back with an icepack help in her wing, along with some bandages in her mouth. She set the icepack on my hind leg, sending chills up my spine. She then took it off and wrapped my leg, afterwards putting the icepack back on. "Are you feeling ok?" she asked nicely. I nodded and reached into my saddle bags, pulling out my lyre. "Ooh! You can play that?" she asked happily. "Yea, It's not as good as normal, but it's alright." I said.
Fluttershy smiled. "Could you play some for me?" she asked. I nodded as she went to sit on a cushion on the floor. Pinkie and Applejack followed her, eager to see me play as well. "Oh wow..." I said, my face starting to get hot.
Playing in front of my class was easy because they were my friends, but this was different. I hardly knew these ponies, and I wasn't sure how'd they react. I realized I had been staring when Pinkie started clapping her hoofs. "Lyra? Hello? Equus to Lyra!" she said.
I shook myself back to reality. "Oh. Sorry guys." I said, positioning my hoofs how I had before. I took a deep breath and ran my hooves along the strings. The music sounded a bit off compared to my normal playing, but that was expected. I played for a few minutes before my hooves started to ache, so I stopped and stuffed it back into my bags.
I smiled at the ponies, their faces struck with disbelief. Somehow, Pinkie's jaw was literally touching the floor. I shuddered at the thought of how Pinkie's muscles worked. "That was plum amazing Sugar cube!" Applejack said, putting her hat back onto her head. Fluttershy nodded in agreement.
I glanced over at Pinkie, and her jaw had snapped back into place, and a huge grin had replaced it instead. "Pinkie?" I asked cautiously. "THAT. WAS. AMAZING!!!" she squealed. I blushed at her compliment. Soon the mares stood up and stretched, including me. "So, anyways it sure has been nice meeting your friends Pinkie." I said, giving her a smile.
Pinkie gave me a confused look. "Silly filly! AJ and Flutters aren't my only friends! You still have to meet the rest of the gang!" she said happily. I chuckled and followed the bouncing pink mare along with Fluttershy and Applejack. "Ok, so who's next?" I asked, trying to keep up with Pinkie.
"Next up is Rarity!" she replied, bouncing down the trail. I groaned. Why do I get the feeling that she's going to be up-tight... I thought as I trudged down the trail.
As we walked down the path, it was really awkward with all the silence. So, I decided to strike up a conversation. "Ahem. So, um...what does this Rarity do?" I asked, trying to figure out her occupation based on her name. "Is she a jeweler?" Pinkie shook her head. "um...a florist?" AJ shook her head. "an arris?" I asked. Flutters shook her head.
I sighed. "Then what does she do?" I asked as we walked back into town. Applejack was happy to elaborate. "Ya see sugar cube, she works in a boutique makin' dresses." she told me. I groaned again. Great. Another up tight girl who thinks she's better than you. I thought as we walked.
I was so deep in thought that I hadn't noticed the mares had stopped walking. I slammed face first into a big purple door, with a golden plaque that said, "2110 Carousel Boutique" "Ugh..." I moaned as I rubbed my head.
Pinkie knocked on the door, and happily waited for an answer. Here we go... I thought as we heard hoof steps approaching. Lets just get this over with.
I was about to say something bad About You But This could be Good I Guess?
I totally enjoy it^^
Will be interesting when Lyra tells them how she is and from where she comes
Looks at cover image. I remember that gif. It is adorable.
YAY!
Not Readying Im Done With You (I STILL LOVE MINECRAFT FICS!! MAKE MORE AND YOUTUBERS LIKE SMOOSH AND OTHER AND CONTINUE TOBY!!!!! CAPS FOR THE WIN!!)
4377762 ? ok thanks....i think....um...
Why can't I give this story a second like?!
4378988 lol
The Story is fun but you need an editor. I'd love to help it you'll have me.
4389412 ...what mistakes do you see that would make you think I need an editor?
4394203 Focusing on the First Chapter:
Word choice and grammar can be a bit jarring and redundant at times.
Pet peeve of mine is redundant and repeated words.
Example: when she's on her way to school- first she ran, then dashing, then running. You told us she ran at the beginning of the paragraph and until you tell us differently I will assume she is still running.
I compare it it one of my quotes- "You already told us about the Pink Elephant in the Room. Stop telling us about the Pink Elephant. We know it's Pink!"
With the repeated 'some' i'm not sure, grammatically, if you are referring to two groups or not.
I simply don't understand why. Class is starting and there are others still in the room. Why is she surprised by people walking in?
On the Subject of Bonnie. Is she a teacher or a student? She is Lyra's friend and they are "going to hang out after school" but she's also handling attendance sheets and tells Lyra "OK not get to class. You don't want to be tardy."
Finally and possibly most important: She made plans with 'Bon-bon' for after school but she never so much as thinks of it again. This sets up the audience and then lets them down. It implies that they are friends but provides no evidence to support this. I think this makes her seem like a bit of a dick. Take a look at Chekhov's Gun.
This was a quick look and is incomplete. Remember: The concept is interesting and you're doing good work; I'm just particular about writing. If you would like me to work with you on this you I would be more then happy to oblige.
4394484 Thanks for replying. The first chapter was a little rough, because i've never written a story like this before. "Team crafted's Pony Adventures" is a big comedy, and not really too much in depth. I can put them in situations because I know their character, but Lyra's a different story. She's a background pony and all I have to go by are what the fandom says, and what I think she would do. This is completely head cannon, apart from them being intertwined with the episodes, so it may get a little rough around the edges. That in mind, I would very much like your help in editing. Maybe with some later chapters we can work together and you can help me with the mistakes i have. :) Thanks! :)
Chapter Review
I quite like their meeting. It could have been a bit less natural, meaning: She's in another dimension, another body, entirely different from a human body. Now, she's being introduced to the creatures of this strange world, wouldn't you be a little more awkward in this scenario? But, I could attribute it to Pinkie, she does have a way of calming down those around her and lightening the mood. But, all-in-all, I do enjoy this chapter non-the-less! It wasn't the best of the chapters so far, but it was good, and I can't wait to read on and see what's in store. I do feel like this is a bit of a reader insert. You insert a human into a pony and have that character meet the main 6. It kinda makes this feel more like a story and less like an event taking place like you want it to. It cheapens the feel, and (personally) makes me feel less like I'm imagining a story and looking at a bunch of words. It's a little too late to change that now, but it's easy to redeem this later.
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MAN I enjoyed this! As a reviewer, I had to say my review, but personally, I really liked it. I don't LOVE this chapter, but I really like this chapter. It's pretty good. I really wanna see where you go with this! It has real promise! But you couldn't really make this better, but it could have been worse. Good go on this!
Yet she still has gems as a cutie mark.