The Power Is Yours!
”Home is where the heart is.”
Fifteen minutes in Equestria was enough for him to get his bounds. Armed with binoculars and hiding in the canopy of the Everfree Forest, he scouted out the village before him. Colorful equines littered the streets, walking and chatting as their day went on, blissfully unaware of the deity that had climbed into their land.
“Heh, they’re kinda cute,” Chuck Norris muttered to himself. “No wonder he likes them so much. Even the devil’s heart would melt.” He drew a mental map, scoping out each dark alley, building, and hiding spot in the vicinity. Once he had the town layout engraved in his mind, he jumped out of the tree and onto the ground, landing with a roll to reduce impact. He stood up and brushed himself off, then strolled toward the village.
The grass behind him rustled.
Chuck Norris froze, slowly reaching to his holster…
The animal roared and leaped from the brush just as Chuck Norris whipped around with his hunting knife. The timberwolf landed into Chuck Norris’s grappling arms, and fell limp to the ground. Chuck Norris kneeled down, taking his knife out from the timberwolf’s chest and paying respect to the fallen beast.
Time to move on. Chuck Norris stood up and turned back to town. He took three steps, paused, and then threw his knife behind him. The rising timberwolf yelped and turned tail. Chuck Norris chuckled and retrieved his fallen knife. Gets ‘em every time.
A few moments later, he leaned against the last tree at the outskirts of town. He had a plan for this mission: infiltrate, identify, eliminate. One way or another, he was going to save these ponies from the actions of some mysterious force. All he would have to do is depower a few overpowered ponies, no biggie. If push came to roundhouse kick, he would have to put down a few of them. Again, no big deal for Chuck Norris.
No ponies in sight, Chuck Norris thought as he leaned out from behind the tree. He grinned and tipped his Stetson. Go time.
He sprinted across the field separating the forest from the nearest building and leaped into a dive. He rolled behind the nearest dumpster, landed on his feet, and pressed his back against the cold metal. He was silent. He was deadly. He was more than any ninja could hope to be. He was invisible. Undetectable. Unstoppa—
“Hello mister monkey, what are you doing here?” a female voice cooed from beside him. Chuck Norris jolted and turned to the side, meeting eye-to-eye a pink-maned pony with—Wings? Chuck Norris shrugged it off, deciding that it was nowhere near as odd as having Poker Night with Death and the Devil every week. However, his mind whirred on his dealing with this pony. Somehow she had transcended normal mortal perception and detected him. He had multiple options to deal with her: stranglehold, silver-tongue, dumping the body in the river, or having s—on second thought, Chuck Norris decided that even if every woman (and man) wanted him, he still had standards.
“I’m not a monkey,” Chuck Norris said, kneeling down to pat the pony on her head. “I’m a human being, and my name is Chuck. Chuck Norris.” The pony blinked at him and smiled, closing her eyes and bearing her pearly whites.
“Hello Mister Norris, I’m Fluttershy!” Her adorable wavelengths radiated into the atmosphere, but it wasn’t even close to faltering Chuck Norris. He waited for her to pant and roll her tongue out as he scratched behind her ears, the perfect moment. Once he began attacking both ears, driving the mare wild into euphoria, he leaned forward to hug her. And squeezed. Hard.
He dragged the limp body behind the dumpster and laid her body properly as to not give her discomfort during her awakening. Like a little nap. Sweet dreams, pretty pony.
He dive-rolled across the alleyway to the trashcan, hiding behind it as a few chattering ponies walked by. He dive-rolled again to the opposite wall, stood up and began sidestepping to the corner. Chuck Norris peeked around the corner, calculating the distance to the nearest door and the trajectory of oncoming ponies.
Chuck Norris waited approximately twenty seconds for a nearby foal and his mother to walk by. The foal was eating an ice cream cone, enjoying the dairy goodness and sugar with enthusiastic licking. Chuck Norris, utilizing trigonometry and rocket science, gauged the wind speed, distance, angle, and other factors before drawing out his silenced Colt .45.
Zip! The bullet whizzed through the air, striking the ice cream and knocking it down. Just as Chuck Norris predicted, the colt began wailing and calling attention from the masses. Chuck Norris crouched and began creeping past the corner as the ponies were distracted, sneaking into the building nearby.
His eyes were immediately assaulted by blinding lights and glinting gems. Cupping his forehead with his open hand, he allowed his eyes to adjust to the—Fashion store. Of course it had to be fashion. This place has everything. No wonder Lucifer loves this place so much.
Strutting through the interior, he took note of the scribbles on the wall. With his Chuck Norris Infrared Vision™, eldritch glowing runes glowed on the walls to reveal the den of the anomaly he was hunting. Soon, this tangent universe would collapse and the multiverse would be one step closer to healing.
Something murmured. Chuck Norris’s senses fired up as he crept, light-footed and silent, to the curtain of a dressing room. His hand, shaking with concentration, grasped the edge of the curtain and tore it open.
“My word, you uncouth brute! Don’t you know how to knock!” the mare (who Chuck Norris recalled Lucifer identifying as Rarity, the devil’s favorite pony) cried as she clutched the stallion on top of her. The stallion, unaware of Chuck Norris, continued to nibble on Rarity’s ear and whisper sweet nothings.
“Sorry, my lady,” Chuck Norris said, tipping his stetson. “Better I knock him out before he knocks you up.” His words confused her, causing Rarity to grimace. Just as she opened her jaw to speak, Chuck Norris grabbed the nape of her lover’s neck, flexed his Olympian muscles, and tossed the stallion across Carousel Boutique.
The stallion yelped, stood up, and shook his head before glaring at Chuck Norris. “Who are you? What do you want? Do you know who I am?” The stallion, a blue earth pony with a red mane, huffed and pawed the ground in anger.
Chuck Norris chuckled and tipped his hat. “I can only guess, but I know you’re just going to tell me anyway.”
“I’m Ominous Occurrence! The Seventh Element of Love! And sexiest stallion alive!” The stallion ran his hoof through his mane, causing Rarity to moan and coo from her position. Chuck Norris rolled his eyes. Pft. Amateur. What kind of Element is Heart anyway? He placed his hands on his waist and proceeded to flex his pectorals like the Olympian beast he was. No lady could resist the Norris.
Except this one.
Rarity ignored him and began to applaud Ominous Occurrence as he proceeded to flex his forelegs, showing off incredibly pathetic muscles. Chuck Norris rolled his eyes. Yeah, this one is definitely going. Deciding to end it quick, he unholstered his Colt .45 and aimed at the jeweled necklace the stallion bore. With his incredible accuracy, he fired the gun.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Time appeared to slow down as Chuck Norris’s senses fired up. The bullet rippled through the air as the stallion dived to the side, narrowly dodging the bullet. Chuck Norris holstered the weapon as the stallion glared at him, shocked that the universe had denied him so. How is that possible? I’m Chuck Norris!
“Fool! You can’t beat me!” the stallion stuck his tongue out. “I’m unbeatable! I’m love itself! All the mares love me ‘cause I’m so—”
Chuck Norris interrupted his boasting with a swift roundhouse to kick to the face, sending the stallion flying out the door. Chuck Norris adjusted his hat, tipped it toward Rarity, and strutted out of her boutique with swagger appropriate for the most powerful being in the multiverse. Stepping out the door, he looked down the street. Apparently he had kicked the stallion across town onto the marketplace a few blocks away. Chuck Norris stroked his chin. I’ve already been spotted… no point in using stealth now. Besides, these ponies hardly pack a punch.
Without further ado, Chuck Norris strolled down the street, ignoring the whispers and stares of the ponies. Their instincts undoubtedly screamed to run, or to appear as harmless as possible to avoid provoking the predator before them. They watched as Chuck Norris walked to Ominous Occurrence. They watched as Chuck Norris tore the necklace off the screaming Ominous Occurrence.
“You won’t get away with this…” Ominous Occurrence gasped as Chuck Norris placed his boot on his neck, preventing him from rising. Chuck Norris clicked his tongue and wagged his finger.
“Silly pony,” Chuck Norris teased, “don’t you know that baddies never win in cartoons?”
Ominous Occurrence scowled. “You’ll pay for—”
“GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND!” a familiar female voice called. Ominous Occurrence grinned as Chuck Norris flinched at the sight of Fluttershy diving toward him.
Oh great, not again. Chuck Norris prepared to intercept her tackle and choke her again, but she merely leapt and clung to his arm. Fluttershy nuzzled him; Ominous Occurrence and Chuck Norris exchanged bemused glances.
Chuck Norris grit his teeth. Well, time to end this. Using his free arm, he brought the fake Element to his face. Staring at the gold and embedded jewel, he closed his fist. Slowly, but surely, the jewelry began to crack. The ruby snapped in half, and his environment dissolved.
”Welcome back, that was quite fast indeed. You were almost as flee—”
Zip!
A bullet blew through Death’s hood, splitting the fabric of shadows and revealing Death’s skull. Death gulped as the shadows restitched, returning to his card game as Chuck Norris sat down. Chuck Norris grabbed a beer and took a swig, smacked his lips and wiped them off.
“Sorry Death, but I’m not really into the jokes right now,” Chuck Norris said as he set the bottle down. He nodded toward Lucifer, acknowledging his friend’s presence. “Anyway, I got this. Maybe this will shed some light on this mystery.” He tossed the necklace to the middle of the table, allowing Death and Lucifer to examine it.
Lucifer hummed and stroked his chin. “This seems… familiar. I just can’t put my finger on it.” The necklace was a gold band like the real Elements of Harmony, but the symbol was a red heart. A cracked heart, thanks to Chuck Norris’s intervention. Like a cracked ruby, but sparkling with a strange light inside. Lucifer leaned in close and poked the ruby, conjuring a spark on his fingers at contact. “Ah, just as I thought. Dragonfire.”
“What does that mean?” Chuck Norris said, kicking his feet onto the table. “Does it have anything to do with why when I crushed the thing, everything just… disappeared?”
”That was the scar of the universe healing, Mister Norris,” Death said, reaching for his own beer. He chugged the bottle, soaking his robe in beverage through his hollow rib cage. He set it down and lowered his head toward Chuck Norris. ”Do you understand what you’re up against, Mister Norris?”
Chuck Norris wanted to boast, to say how easily he defeated his pathetic opponent, but something else tugged at his mind. He leaned onto the table and said, “That was the weakest one, wasn’t it? There are stronger ones, aren’t there?”
Lucifer nodded. “Yes, the one you faced was mediocre at best. Even I could take him on. However, the rest are…”
”Out of our league, suffice to say,” Death finished for him, placing a skeletal hand onto Lucifer’s. He turned to Chuck Norris and bowed again. ”Please, Mister Norris. This is a crisis, and we must save the little ponies! It will be dangerous, even for you, but you are the only in the multiverse who is capable! Will you risk your body and soul to save the lives and souls of countless innocents?
Chuck Norris lowered his head for a moment, pondering his options. The way things had set up, the Seventh Elements had screwed up their own universes and would die quietly if left to their own devices, meaning he could simply walk away and pay them no heed. Nothing here affected him, or the multiverse as a whole. It was outside his jurisdiction, and not his duty to even give them a second glance.
His mind made up, Chuck Norris stood up and placed his Colt .45 onto the table. He looked up at the two hellish lords and nodded. “I’ll do it. You have my word.”
”We are in your debt.
Lucifer wiped away a single tear from his eye. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.048 seconds
Total duration
997 users online
2,628,512 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Looks like you've got a broken italics code.
All I can say is Chuck Norris doesn't need catch phrases, catch phrases need Chuck Norris.
Dear God, the lols
It's so beautiful..... *crys a manly tear*
i.imgur.com/NnoGhN1.gif
Rarity is the Devil's Favorite?
Nice.
This is absolutely amazing. Beautiful. Though there is not as much reality-breaking as I thought there was going to be, unfortunately. Maybe more soon, I hope.
This is literally the greatest thing to ever happen to the internet.
Not to reduce the impact in his legs; he just didn't want to alert anyone by making the ground tremble.
That's only because Bruce Lee never decided to become a ninja.
Specifically, the fist that wasn't holding the Element.
So, Chuck Norris vs. an army of mary/gary sue OC's.
Come on, man, you could at least give the OC's some hope of victory, despite the fact that they will never stand a chance.
Death has a hoof? Made out of fabric? Eh, whatever bro. I've never met him.
mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Joffrey-Baratheon-Claps-On-The-Throne-In-Game-Of-Thrones-Gif.gif
This. Is. Fucking. GOLD.
mybroadband.co.za/vb/attachment.php?attachmentid=70623
Chuck Norris before he ascended mortality was called Carlos Ray Norris, bet you didn't know that.
"Chuck Norris, utilizing trigonometry and rocket science, gauged the wind speed, distance, angle, and other factors before drawing out his silenced Colt .45."
That was the moment I was sold.
Them layouts.
4127973 I do believe the author meant to say that he allowed the town to see the tiniest aspect of his mind so that it would rearrange itself to be more like his brain.
o-o
YAY!!!!!
I take it back. Respect levels have been achieved. Low ones.
I take it back. Respect levels have been achieved. Low ones.
I take it back. Respect levels have been achieved. Low ones.
Chuck Norris has turned me gae.