Cheese Sandwich stood on the little hill overlooking Ponyville. His poncho and wide brimmed black hat would had given the impression of a serious stallion if not for the rubber chicken draped over his back, sporting the number two. The spring morning blew up a gust of petals from the apple tree he stood under, causing a violent sneezing fit. Cheese loved spring, but, it didn’t seem to love him back.
Ponyville looked amazing, flowers adorned the empty spaces on the square and cloaked the houses with their cheery display. Stallions, mares, fillies, and colts were chatting animatedly with each other. Normally, this would fill him to the brim with cheer, he was the super-duper party pony after all. But today, today Cheese couldn’t help but feel a deep, dark pit forming in his stomach.
Cheese knew that he was not supposed to be here. Ever since he had received his cutie mark, he followed his “Cheesie-sense” wherever it took him. Now, he was nearly in Ponyville while his cheesie-sense was pulling him violently towards Fillydelphia. But Cheese knew this was a necessary divergence, in fact is was the most important divergence ever. After all, what use is a super-duper party pony if he cannot make anypony smile?
He turned to address the rubber chicken resting atop his poncho-covered back, “Come on Boneless 2. We’ve got to get Pinkie’s help!” With a bit of effort, Cheese pulled his party cannon down the hill and towards the town.
If anypony knew how to fix his dilemma it would be Pinkie Pie. She was his inspiration, the one reason he found his cutie mark and purpose in his life. She also happened to be the most beautiful mare Cheese had ever seen. Her glossy pink coat, sparkling blue eyes, and hair that poofed in just the right way were magic to Cheese. Not only that, she was cheerful, upbeat, spontaneous, and always brought a smile to pony’s faces.
But, the last time they had met had not gone off so well. He had inadvertently taken over her party and made her feel unwanted. They had even gotten into a huge goof-off that ended in Pinkie running away. Never had Cheese felt so bad about his actions. He should have told her the truth from the beginning. Instead, he let his pride as a party planner get in the way of their new friendship. Sure, it had worked out in the end and, after explaining himself, Pinkie had returned and planned a great party with him. Pinkie had such a forgiving nature. However, it did not change the fact that he hurt the mare and he wanted so badly to make it up to her.
Admittedly, he looked rather odd tugging at his cannon down the dirt road. The cannon held everything he owned in its magically enhanced interior. Even Cheese had no idea how it worked (it had been a gift from his mentor). Normally he would not lug it around, but he was too tired to activate its transportation magic. Cheese sighed, so much for not standing out.
Now, every pony in the square seemed to be watching him pull his cannon along. A few smiled welcome but others just stared in amazement or expectation. He had burst out into song the first time he came after all. Maybe they were bracing for a reprise? Thankfully, it did not take long to get to the entrance of Sugar Cube Corner. The store front was so very fun, and, like Pinkie, seemed to give off an aura of good cheer.
Leaving the cannon outside, Cheese stood frozen outside the door. What should I say? I don't want to make Pinkie think I'm a failure! But, no matter what comes of it, it has to be her.
He cautiously stepped into the store. It was filled with a group of ponies sharing a sweet snack at the big round table. He recognized them as Pinkie’s friends; Princess Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. Pinkie had been conversing with them but when she saw Cheese, she literally hopped over to him.
“Cheesie!” Pinkie squealed with delight and leapt on Cheese, giving him a bone-crushing hug.
“Hello Pinkie.” Cheese managed to gasp.
Thankfully, Pinkie released Cheese and stood grinning at him. For some inexplicable reason, Cheese felt at a loss for words. Maybe it was guilt from before? His face began to heat up as Pinkie leaned in close, her muzzle nearly touching his. He looked down, trying to cool off the steam that seemed to be overwhelming his senses.
“You okay Cheesie?” Pinkie’s voice held a note of concern and her ears went back a little.
“Just…just fine Pinkie.” Cheese managed to stammer as he continued to regard the floor boards.
“Fine but not super-duper fine?”
The three mares gathered around cheese. Twilight looked concerned, “Is something wrong Cheese? I don’t think we’ve been planning any big parties.”
Cheese never wished he could disappear so badly. Not only was his problem embarrassing, he did not want the whole of Equestria to know about it. He took a deep breath, “I’ve lost it.”
“Lost what?” Rainbow Dash added impatiently as she fluttered overhead.
“My-” Cheese gulped, “-my super-duper party planning skills. I…I can’t seem to make anypony laugh anymore. I don’t even feel like laughing myself.”
With that the yellow stallion’s green eyes filled with tears and he sobbed. “What am I supposed to do? I’m a party pony! I’ve got to make ponies laugh.”
The group of mares looked at each other with dumbfound amazement. Pinkie Pie shot forward and gave Cheese a big hug, “Poor Cheesie. It’ll be okay. You’re a party pony just like me right? You’re not allowed to be so sad.”
Rainbow Dash flew down next to Pinkie. “Darn right! We’ll figure this out won’t we Twilight?”
Twilight nodded approval, “Of course we will. What are friends for anyway?"
Together, the group stood around Cheese until he managed to stop crying.
A piece of parchment levitated in front of Twilight. “If we’re going to help you out we need to know the whole story. Just when did you start to lose your party planning abilities?”
Cheese sniffed and composed himself. “Well, it started shortly after Rainbow’s Birthaversery bash. I was on my way from my latest party in Trottingham and felt… different.”
“Different?” Twilight started writing vigorously on the parchment with her magic.
“Yeah. Normally when I plan a super awesome party I feel fulfilled. Like, I did my job and everything is going to be okey-dokey. But, after this party I felt empty somehow.”
“Maybe the party wasn't as super awesome as mine?” Rainbow Dash smirked knowingly.
Twilight shot her an exasperated look, “Rainbow! I'm certain Cheese’s party was first rate and all the ponies loved it. Isn’t that right Cheese?”
Cheese nodded slowly. “It was great, one of my best yet. But, after that party I just wasn't my funny self.” Cheese drew Boneless 2 off his back and stared at the chicken sadly. “The next party was a wedding bash in Edinbuck. It was fun, ponies laughed, but not like my other parties. It was as though there was this big hole that should have been filled by my party. I feel as though I left some ponies down. That’s never happened to me before.”
“Oh no. That’s awful Cheesie!” Pinkie gave Cheese another hug that made his face heat up again.
He coughed and continued, “So, after the wedding, I traveled around following my cheese senses like before. But, no matter where I went my parties slowly got worse and worse. The last party was a disaster! Not a single pony laughed, not one. They even called me the ‘super-duper failure’.” Cheese looked down in embarrassment.
“Is that why you came back?”
Cheese nodded, “Yeah. I thought since Pinkie was my first inspiration she could be my inspiration again. So, I returned to Ponyville.”
Pinkie hopped around the floor excitedly. “Of course I’ll help you silly! You don’t have to be shy about it. I’m the original party pony, it won’t be hard to get your party juices flowing again. Maybe we could make some confetti cake? Oooh, oooh maybe we could make a giant bowl of pudding and jump in? Or catch a bunch of butterflies and-”
“-and hide them in a present.” Cheese smiled and started bouncing along side Pinkie.
Twilight rested a hoof on Pinkie's shoulder. “That sounds like a great start. Pinkie, I want you and Cheese to do whatever it is you party ponies do. In the meantime, I will do some research and try to see if this could be caused by magical means. Any other suggestions?”
Fluttershy cautiously approached Twilight. “Maybe Cheese just needs to rest. When my animal friends work super hard, they start to have trouble remembering their jobs. But, after they rest, they feel refreshed and ready to get back to work.”
“You make a good point Fluttershy. How about Cheese holds off from party planning for a while? Then he can start up again when he's ready for it. What do you say Cheese?”
“It couldn’t hurt. I'll admit I've been very busy lately. It's been a while since I had a good rest. Maybe it'll help. But what can I do in the meantime?"
Pinkie gasped and bounced with renewed excitement. “You can stay and work at Sugar Cube Corner with me! The cakes took the twins to visit family and I’m supposed to mind the store. What do you say Cheesie?”
“Well, I guess sweet making could be fun. I’ll give it a try!”
Twilight nodded in agreement, “Good, I’ll let the two of you know when I’ve discovered more information. Rainbow and Fluttershy can help me as needed.”
Rainbow flipped in the air, "Leave it to me!"
With that, trio left the store, leaving Pinkie and Cheese standing alone. Cheese was thrilled the ponies wanted to help but could not stopper the feeling that their efforts would be in vain. He looked around the shop and sighed. A whole day to be myself again huh? I suppose a little me-time can't hurt can it? And, I have Pinkie's company to look forward to. Cheese found himself pondering Pinkie. Just how does she keep up that excited, happy front all the time? I wish I had her stamina.
“You ready Cheesie?”
“Huh?” Cheese started back to his senses, flushing. “Am I ever! Show me what I need to do.”
Nice to see some CheesePie stories getting pushed out. Seems like the hype faded away after Maud took center stage. The same with Coco and Cheese too, I suppose.
I like this story! Slow-pacing in fics aren't really my cup of tea but I feel like you can pull it off for me. The plot is engaging and the structure is decent! However, I did spot several grammatical errors. Nothing too serious though. I'm just being picky.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
4109699 Thanks. I did self-edit the whole thing so I need to find a real editor. Just as soon as I write enough story so it would be worth their time.
Hrmmm. Well, I've seen this idea done before, but that doesn't mean we can't have a different take on it. I like the general idea that Cheese is dealing with a sudden depression and goes to Pinkie for help. Only problem is, it seems to be entirely based on his latent feelings for Pinkie and that kind of makes me a bit leery. I like complex motivations. This could be good though and I liked the tail end of the conversation involving Pinkie's cute suggestions. Plus them baking and making sweets could be a really fun chapter.
However, I feel like a lot of the opening could have been edited down significantly. Derpy's entire scene felt very forced and I don't see why Cheese would have been dragging the cannon but none of his other props. Also, the conversation at Suger Cube Corner could use some definite editing, IMHO. Twilight's interest in researching the problem was cool and a few of the random comments sprinkled through-out by the others were nice (I really liked Fluttershy's comment and Rainbow Dash's meaner guess was amusing), but I don't feel the entire Mane Six needed to be there.
I also feel that Cheese doesn't seem very realistic. Yes, every day has a chance to be a party, but I think it's highly unlikely that he does that. He'd have fainted from exhaustion a lot sooner than he would have become depressed. I doubt that Equestria has no other party planners either. They may be the only party ponies, but I think there must be others who do this for a living or at least for fun. In general, I think it's more realistic to consider that maybe he only gets drawn to parties requiring his caliber of skill, or he'd literally be tugged between at least ten different parties at any given time.
Obviously it's within your right to decide how exactly his Cheesy Sense works and there is no strict guideline, but I just can't take this concept at face value. Cheese and Pinkie do break physics and the fourth wall, but it's their touch of realism behind the frivolity that makes them so great. You're trying to tap into that, but I think you should consider them as if they're real before deciding how they break down the barriers of reality. It's the only way to take Cheese's problem seriously and that's what you want.
Beyond that, his thoughts on Pinkie were rather generic, but I'm a CheesePie shipper and this is practically my closest thing to an OTP. I can easily overlook that. I can't entirely overlook some of the other stuff though, which is why I'm commenting on it. No upvote or downvote though. I'm too evenly split to decide. You have clean, clear writing in your favor and a really good grasp on how to do a flashback (though I felt the recap was a little unnecessary.) I think you have skill, but I'm really picky and it takes something that really wows me or otherwise pleases me to overlook my own critical views.
In general, I hope I haven't unsettled you. I like what you're attempting to do with this one, but I just don't care as much for the execution as I could.
4109735 Thanks for the great feedback. I've got a lot to go through now I'm not sure if I should just cut the scene with Derpy or not. Definitely going to have to work out Pinkie and Cheese's fourth wall rules and whatnot. Maybe get rid of Rarity and Applejack from the shop scene? Lots to iron out but that's progress right? Really helpful comment. I will seriously look over what you said and I appreciate the feedback
4109735
4109767
Holy corncakes.
See, THIS is who you should be listening to for criticism. Not me and my pathetic little "blah blah errors bla".
I bow down to you, sir.
I love this great job I mostly like CheesePie so good
4109767
Yeah, AJ and Rarity really didn't contribute anything to it. They could easily be removed. But you can always get a second opinion on Derpy. I mean, her usage could also be edited down a fair bit rather than outright removed. I just don't even think Cheese would know her name and in general I think it's unnecessary to explain how he knew where to find Pinkie. At best, you could say he asked someone, but it really doesn't matter who. I realize you were trying to express some of Derpy's personality in that scene, and some of the subtlety was there, but I simply found the exchange uninspired and unnecessary, so I was waiting for the scene to be over while I read it. Others may not feel the same, but that was my reaction.
Well, let me explain what I really meant, beyond the fact I think that ties into the issue with the cannon. That is still something that I feel needs some explaining, since he simply makes it appear most of the time, the way that Pinkie makes hers appear and disappear out of nowhere. If it was meant as a subtle indicator of his mood, then a mention of his other items, like the giant punch bowl, his collection of hats, and party bomb for instance, could expand on that. As it stands, it's just a random and head-scratching detail for me.
But beyond that, you say you're used to writing serious characters, right? Both Pinkie and Cheese do have a serious side. They have a life beyond partying. It's not obvious but it is there. To suggest that Cheese thinks of nothing but partying presents him in a very stiff and cardboard manner. I realize it might not be easy to consider whatever his general hobbies and means of passing the time are, but if you're going to explore his life and his personality from his POV, then this is very important to consider. He also has a history, although the episode only lightly touched on it. Consider him as if he's a real pony who lives in Equestria, though you are free to ignore anything that isn't relevant (don't worry about showing a toilet if no one ever uses it, so to speak.)
I think that will make this entire story a lot easier for you to write and it'll make Cheese more interesting. It'll give you more inspiration for where to go with this particular story idea and a chance to really stretch your writing muscles, since you'll need a balancing act between seriousness and silliness with both Cheese and Pinkie. But above all else, it'll make this Cheese into your own version of him. That's not to say he needs to be OOC, but there is so much room for expansion and exploration of his life and personality. Cheese is his own pony. Just treat him as you would when developing an OC. The upside is that you have a lot of the broader details already set-up and you don't have to explain quite as much in some circumstances. You also have a certain number of decisions already made for you and you just need to connect the dots in a manner that seems logical and interesting. There is still plenty of room to make your mark.
4109838 That makes it so much easier! Just what I needed to hear about Cheese. I'll work on making him a more interesting character and not so cardboard-like. The best part is I just started writing the story so I can easily edit it.
4109773
Well, I don't always remember exactly what stood out to me as I read something, but I try to be helpful when offering my opinion. Don't feel bad in any way. We each have our own response to what we read and in some instances we feel more critical than in others. My inner analyst just jumped out. I'm sure there other things that others could point out as being very good or not as good as they could be. That's the beauty of getting more than one person to comment. Sometimes you get different but equally applicable constructive criticisms.
4109861
Wow, you've got to be one of the most helpful and easy to understand people on this site. Your posts are long, yet surprisingly pleasant to read! How have I not discovered you/one of your stories already?!
I'm jealous; envious even of how well you write. Teach me your ways 'O master!
4110011
Thanks! I try. I have a lot more in progress than I have published, though I also don't talk a whole lot in most groups I'm in.
As for teaching, umm... not sure I'm the best teacher there is. I think the key to having long posts that people will read is keeping your point in mind and only expressing as much as you really need to, though I do have a tendency to go off on tangents sometimes. It also helps if it flows really well, but I can't explain what makes that work, other than straight-forward, non-repetitive sentence structure and editing yourself as you go. I tend to edit as I type but I also add sneaky edits after I've posted and realized I made a few mistakes.
I'm afraid that is all I can suggest at the moment. I am learning as I go too. It never ceases to amaze me when I find out what I don't know. I'm mostly self-taught when it comes to creative writing, but I did enjoy literature classes in school, so I think that helped. And I've always been drawn to analysis on a hobby level.
4110011 Yildun rules, especially on CheesePie. I'm not kidding. We are freaking obsessed.
For a sec there, I was thinking, "slowed down? What do you mean, slowed down?" And then I realized, "oh, yeaaaah. CheesePie you haven't published yet isn't something people know about, and doesn't count." Anyway, I'm sure not done! I think this is the point where authors get inventive and start looking at different scenarios, different possible points in the relationship, explore the way the couple interacts with others. I wish I could remember who said something about happy couples enjoying the thousands of incompatibilities they've got, but this is a possibility, too.
4109767 Hey, welcome aboard SS CheesePie. We have cake. Lots of it. See above: Yildun has done a LOT of thinking about this, and so have I, although since I'm cranking out stuff, I'm more likely to keep my cards close to my vest (and also, you've got your own CheesePie to create, right?)
Sticking in my oar--
Seconding Yildun on this one. Ax The Pony That Must Not Be Named. She really isn't needed here.
Another second: work out your own version of how Cheesy Sense and party pony powers work. I've got mine, but those aren't important. These are YOURS.
Here's something I bear in mind for descriptions--we're focusing on what the reader needs to know, and what the character sees. We're a fanfiction board, so we pretty much know what Sugarcube Corner looks like and don't need more than a few details. Then there's what the character sees and his thoughts about it. So Cheese likes the place because it 1) looks like party and 2) it is where She, the great and Incomparable She, lives. ( I tend to go a bit overboard on Cheese's feelings about Pinkie, partly because I see him that way, but partly because it makes the stakes very high. )
I like his embarrassed and inglorious entry into town.
Strip aside the party pony aspects, and even the Pony aspects, can be helpful, if just for a second. What you've left with is:
There is this girl. There is The Girl. She absolutely changed your life when you met as children. You have, beyond all likelihood, stumbled into her again, and you were determined to impress her--(because what else is Pinkie Pride, from Cheese's point of view?) It didn't exactly go the way you'd hoped, but hey, there is The Girl. She is utterly amazing. You still want to impress her.
. . . and you're kind of out of a job right now. And you've lost your one marketable skill. And you are so far down on your luck that She has to find you a job, working for her boss, probably as an assistant under her. And you don't really have any experience doing this. Oh, yes, and you are now under the scrutiny of five of her best friends. And one of them feels sorry for you. Here's a mop, Romeo. Now get cracking.
NOW factor the Pony and Cheese and Pinkie back in. Now you've got your setup, and you're ready to go. Does that make sense? You actually came up with that part of the scenario on your own, so exploit the heck out of it. Have fun!
Also, shut UP, Rainbow Dash. That was the best party you ever had, and you know it. SHEESH.
(Please keep writing! It will be fun to see how this comes along!)
4110199
Thank you so much!
4110317 Yeah! More awesome advice. I did take out Derpy's part. I love her but you're right, she didn't fit. And I made Rainbow's comment less evil sounding. She's my least favorite character so I tend to write her a little too mean (venting my anger I suppose). I can't wait to see what I can think up for next chapter. I've got a LOT to work with.
4110317
Yeah, we are obsessed.
Absolutely. We've hit the thresh hold for the most obvious ideas and now we're at the point where we need more thoughtful stories. I'm absolutely fine with that, personally. I don't think this ship is going to die out any time soon. CheesePie is here to stay.
I didn't even think of it this way! I knew there was another reason I liked this overall. It really does have some great potential, although I don't recall if the set-up was necessarily leading towards Cheese getting hired.
But I like that. It's definitely different and new. I think taking it in that direction, whether he's any good at this job or not, and letting him reestablish himself by fully connecting with Pinkie, plausibly the Cakes, and other ponies on a different level or even the same level. Cheese isn't a rule 63 of Pinkie so seeing them together in day to day life would help illustrate that and lead to some fun shenanigans. I can also see him getting frustrated and even giving up but then trying harder because he looks up to Pinkie.
Even if he doesn't get hired, the fact that Cheese has to come down from his own pride and reassess his life is a fantastic concept. Having him stay at Sugar Cube Corner would be lovely. Even if he ends up staying somewhere else, like a boarding house or something, I think that's good. Also absolutely plausible, since the Cakes might be uncomfortable letting him stay in Pinkie's room (heck, Cheese might refuse out of principle, depending on his views) and unless they have a guest bedroom or a spare couch, he's kind of out of luck. He might not want to get woken up by a pair of crying babies in the middle of the night either.
My point is that there is a lot of potential, so I do want to see where this is going, in spite of my overly critical commentary thus far.
Tiny Sneaky Edit: I also love hyperbolic mental admiration of Pinkie from Cheese. It fills me with warm fuzzies. But it's not necessary. He just seems like the sort who'd react that way, but try to play it off or at least keep it somewhat low key when voicing it. Or try to and fail.
Great first chapter. I'm big fan of this ship. I can't wait for the next chapter.
I loved it. I loved it so much.
Now I'm , cuz he is my inspiratio ( Cheese Sandwich ) and I love him! Now I'm feeling all blue and shiz... DARN IT!
I finally got around to reading this, and so far, I really enjoy it. There is lot of great descriptions, the sentences flow very nicely, and even though I don't really like romance all that much, I can't wait to read the rest!
Now, I just noticed this: (it feels so wrong for me to correct you... If you know what I mean)
When you list something, I don't think you put a comma before 'and'. Correct me if I'm wrong.
And you forgot to capitalize 'Cheese'.
I'm pretty sure there should be commas there...
Slow pacing, I feel, is a good choice for a fic like this. Cheese needs to take time to understand his feelings, both to Pinkie and to...himself.
(I guess?)
PS Yes, now I see what you've done with those italics. Works well.
Well, looks like the tables have turned, haven't they?
Now I'm commenting on your story.
Sorry, just had to point that out.
Anyhoo, I love the story so far!
Round one of Spot the typo:
'But Cheese knew this was a necessary divergence, in fact is was the most important divergence ever.'
'Not only that, she was cheerful, upbeat, spontaneous, and always brought a smile to pony’s faces.'
*ponys' faces*
The spelling for Cheese's name when Pinkie first spots him is different from the spelling of his name the second time she says his name.
'Different?” Twilight started taking writing vigorously on a sheet of parchment with her magic.'
Spot the typo.
'I feel as though I left some ponies down. That’s never happened to me before.”
Spot the typo.
Unique idea direction. Taking things slowly is almost always an excellent idea. Reading more.
Links are in YouTube description.
I love, love, love this story!!! you're totally a super-duper writer! You deserve a moustache party!!
I'm just starting to read this! But it sounds really good. As a fan of your other works, I am super duper excited for this!
He really has lost it, hasn't he?