• Published 25th Feb 2014
  • 3,259 Views, 123 Comments

My A** is Frozen - Joshleb1098



"Follow the cosplayers of the Lich King and Lelouch vi Britannia on their journey to take over Equestria."

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Chapter 1

"The hell...?"

"Ugh... fuckin' ow, dude..."

I felt awful. My back hurt, my head hurt, my everything hurt, and I was pretty sure I just woke up on a bag of potatoes.

"Move, goddammit..!" Nope, it was a person.

Without delay, I carefully lifted my armored form off of my brother. As I searched for my missing helmet and sword, which had likely fallen off somewhere, I took note of my surroundings.

I was in an unfamiliar forest. The area was all very lush and green, which was a stark contrast to anywhere I was familiar with. At my feet, the Frostmourne stuck up with its blade buried in the ground. It looked as if it was begging to be grasped once more. `As if I'm ever going to give this thing up!` I thought, wrapping my fingers around it. With a slight tug, it easily slid out of the ground and I pointed it up to the sun. It reflected the light gloriously, save for a few chunks of dirt marring it. As I wiped it off, the voice returned.
Good work, Dave, very good work! I knew you had it in you.

Frank sat up, groaning in pain."Where the hell am I?" he asked. His hand knocked on something metal in the grass, which he lifted to inspect.

"Our privates weren't plundered while we were out, so I guess we're not in California," I said, snatching the helmet out of Frank's hands. It was my Lich King helmet, but it was made of real metal. Patting my costume down, I saw that the entire thing had changed, too. The spikes on my pauldron were steel, the skulls on my chest plate was seemingly actual bone, there was chain mail underneath rather than patterned cloth, and my boots had thick fur underneath the metal plates. I suppose everything turned... real? I was surprised I hadn't already noticed just how much heavier I was.

Frank didn't look any different - I suppose that's because he couldn't resemble his character more closely than he already did.

As I put my helmet on, we heard voices coming from not too far away.

"'Tis here, father! 'Twas a light I saw, from just o'er here!" A young boy's voice was the first.

"I heard you, child. There is no rush." This voice sounded older, and really tired. Me and Frank looked at each other, and decided to stay put and see what was up. And in only a few moments, their footsteps grew closer. But then, they sounded a bit different then they should...

From a leaf-covered trail, two colorful ponies emerged. They stared at us, mouths gaping open in shock, mimicking our own (hidden) expressions.

"Father, what are those?" the young blue pony (colt?) asked.

"I haven't a clue," the teal stallion replied.

Since my mouth was already open, I decided to speak to them. "Uh... Er, hello," I said, waving my free left hand. The other held Frostmourne, which I had subtly put behind my back.

"T-... Thou speaketh?..."

"You're surprised? I am too," I said.

"From whence doth thou cometh?"

"... Pardon?"

"From whence doth thou-"

"No, I heard, I just don't know what you're saying." Really, that outdated way of speaking was kinda confusing for me.

"Thine origin," he clarified. "What bringeth thee to these woods?" I couldn't stop looking at his ears; they just kept flopping around expressively. One was down and another up, and his head was slightly cocked, so he looked confused.

"... Oh, I'm not completely sure myself... Say, where am I, exactly?"

"Thou knoweth not thine own location? 'Tis the back woods neareth to the castle of our fair Princesses."

"Daddy," the child interrupted - rudely, I might add. "The purple one doth unsettle me..." We looked behind me to see Frank, who hasn't moved at all from his seated position seemingly staring at the foal. His mask was still on and his visor was down, but he hasn't so much as twitched. I assume he was trying to process just what exactly was going on... he had his work cut out for him, then. I decided to call the attention away from him.
"That's just my brother, don't worry. He's just here with me. Which way is this castle, now?" The stallion turned back to me, but the foal was still hiding behind his father's hind leg, cautiously watching Frank.

"'Tis back down the path of mine own approach. Thou shalt find it a straight road, to a bridge o'er a river, and from there 'round the back of that Castle of the Royal Sisters."

I mulled over my options. I didn't see why I shouldn't go there, and I wasn't one to sit around and wait for something to happen. It was clear that this was a new world entirely, and that meant there was a lot to explore. Plus, it would be nice to go somewhere that could have food...
I decided that it would be a good idea, but I wouldn't go without Frank's opinion. "Could you give us a few moments of privacy, mister..."

"Lemon. And I shall oblige." He nodded to me, and nudged his child. "Come along, Guilty," he prompted, and the two of them moved away towards the trail. They began to talk, and I began to wonder who the hell names his son Guilty.

But, that aside. "Frank? You good?"
"P... puh... eeeehhhhhhh..." he made sputtering, incoherent noises, one that told me clearly that his brain had shut down.

"Get it together, bro. Come on, it's not that weird," I joked. Suddenly bursting with frantic energy, he clearly had a few objections to that statement.

"'Not that weird?' Are you KIDDING? Talking, colorful, PONIES! Pony PRINCESSES! That little pony had eyes bigger than his ears! And YOU - Your ARMOR! And MY outfit! And -" I cut him off.

"Hey, nothing changed with your outfit." He responded by raising both his hands up, doing nothing. Then suddenly, instead of his entire visor, a section of it slid open to show his left eye.

"I used to use a string in the sleeve. I don't even know how I'm doing this now." An adjacent section slid away to reveal another eye, and they slid up and down over and over. "It's kinda like blinking..." he comments. I didn't know how to respond to that.

"Well, okay. Then -" This time, he cut me off.

"You said this ISN'T weird? What part of this isn't weird then? Why - you were just talking to them, you just accepted it all just like that, can't you see what the hell is wrong here? Like, everything?" He had stopped playing with his visor, leaving it completely open.

"Yeah, yeah, calm down! Yeah, this is strange. It's completely unbelievable. But it is. That's all that really matters, right? Think about it for a second - we're here, in an unbelievable place, and it seems we also have unbelievable powers, but as long as we actually are here, there's nothing to believe or not believe. This is just it. So as long as this here is the case... what are we gonna do?" I watched my brother as what I said sunk in, and he took a deep breath. He leaned back against a tree, crossing his arms behind his head and looking up.

"I guess," he started, "we go along with it." I grinned.

"Yeah, that's right. Don't fight it, just let it happen..."

"Goddamnit Dave."

A sudden, shrill cry pierced through the air as the foal screamed his agony. I looked over to see what was wrong, and I saw him bleeding profusely from the neck. The father was panicking, stomping at a snake in the grass that had a single huge, bloody, razor-sharp tooth. It darted away into the bushes, and me and Frank ran over as fast as possible.

"What the hell was that?" I shouted, grabbing the colt and pressing my fingers against his neck to try and stop the bleeding. The wound was really wide and deep, and I couldn't stop the blood from escaping from my hand. "Oh god, oh god oh god oh god..." I tried as best as I could, and Lemon shoved me away with a surprising strength. He pulled some thick leaves from the closest bush to him and tried to wrap them around, but that wasn't working either. My heart raced, I was on the verge of panicking, and I begged my sword for help.

'Please, oh god PLEASE have a healing spell, you can do that dimension thing, please tell me you can heal this kid too!'

The voice of a savior echoed through my skull: I have something for this. Here is the spell you need.
A rush of thought and incomprehensible concepts once again invaded my mind, but I knew to expect it. I pointed my sword up to the kid, and I got ready to cast. 'Just tell me the words!'
I heard them, and shouted them without even waiting for her to finish the last syllable.

"DEATH COIL!"

...

... I fucked up.

I felt exhausted in a manner I can't easily describe, as arcing beams of purple and black light ripped forth from Frostmourne, and with a sound like crushing dried leaves, it slammed into the foal. His screaming stopped, his kicking ceased, and his eyes went blank.

Everyone was silent.

"G... Guilty? Son?" Lemon poked the kid with a forehoof.

"No..." I barely heard Frank whisper.

"Guilty?" Lemon attempted to lift a leg, but it was already stiffening. The colt was most clearly and most obviously dead, and the stallion knew it.

"GUILTY!?" He shouted, tears running free, burying his face in his deceased son's coat. I, for one, was scared out of my mind. I couldn't believe it. Why the FUCK did I trust that voice in the first place?!?

'You little BASTARD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!' There was no reply. My brother looked at me from behind his one-way transparent visor. I couldn't see his face, but I could imagine how he looked. But, he had to know it was an accident... right?

"I'll... you'll be seen dead for this," the stallion muttered. He sniffled, and stood up straight. "Thou shalt be KILLED! The guard shalt swarm thee, and take thee back to Tartarus, DOTH THOU HEAR ME?!?" He shouted at me, his voice echoing all throughout the woods. He snatched the corpse up onto his back and galloped away down the path an amazing speed. "GUAAAARDS!" he shouted, over and over, and I panicked again, this time because I had murder on my hands, and I did not want to face the consequences. A dark thought crossed my mind, and this time, it was my own: 'It's not a crime if there are no witnesses!'

"Death Coil!" I shouted, pointing my blade at the retreating stallion. I panted, suddenly tired, and the arc struck him on a back hoof. It staggered him, that leg went limp, and I angled the strike again: "Death Coil!" That exhausting feeling came in force, and I was left panting and heaving as the next beam crashed directly onto Lemon's flank. He survived it, but his back legs were completely out of commission. He cried, shouted out for the guards, and my brother was just watching without knowing what to do. I hefted my sword up, numbly moving one leg forward. "Dea... huff, Death... ugh," I fell forward onto my knees, too tired to hold myself up, and I fell again onto my face. The helmet made the fall even more painful.

The shouting hadn't stopped, and I heard several hoofbeats as I suspected multiple more ponies ran to the scene. They hadn't arrived yet, and my brother recovered from his shock. Which is good - I trusted my brother even more than myself. He knew what to do.

"Come on, Dave," he coaxed, trying to lift me. It was obvious that I was way too heavy for him to lift, and I couldn't move anywhere with all of my energy sapped away. The distant hoofbeats were getting closer, and Frank knew that meant trouble, so he suddenly stopped trying to pick me up.

"Sorry," he said. 'What?'

And then he shoved me into a ditch. It hurt.
I was still face down, but I felt him throwing leaves and bushes on top of me, covering me up. I wanted to say that it wouldn't work, but I didn't want to be heard. He stood up, and I heard him frantically running away.

"Yield!" someone yelled. "Halt, in the name of the Princesses!" But there was no way he'd stop running.

The guards - two of them, it sounded like - assessed the situation. "I shall take these ponies away. I charge thee with restraining the assailant!"

"Nay, I shan't! See that cloak, how it doth billow with such menace? Can you not tell? 'Tis evil, some vile monster that I fear may gore me should I fight it alone. More guards art needed, should we attempt to restrain it."

"Art thou a coward? I see thy point, but thou art a Royal Guard! Thine duty is to apprehend the villainous for the good of Equestria! Thou art under an oath to Celestia to let no evil thrive! Now go, I have this stallion and the unfortunate youth."

The other guard muttered a complaint as the first ran off, presumably with Lemon and Guilty.
"I haven't the nerve of a true guard..." he uttered, slowly approaching the direction my brother ran off in.

- Zero's POV -

*Huff, huff, huff...* I felt bad for ditching my brother like that, especially in a ditch, but it was the best I could do. He weighed tons, and the cavalry would have been on us if I tried anything else. I didn't know who was coming, but I could imagine they were more ponies. Ponies or not, though, I didn't want to get in to it with the local law.
Also, I covered Dave up pretty well. I'm certain he won't get spotted, and they'd be too busy dealing with the injured and dead to poke around the bushes.
These and other reassuring things I kept telling myself, as I glanced behind me. The way was completely clear of any ponies, and I ducked behind a tree to catch my breath.

'So... wow,' I thought to myself. 'Mindfucking the convention guys was a lot of fun. Yeah, and it was pretty hard to believe at first. But I got used to it.' I thought about that for a bit, and nodded in acceptance. 'Okay, and now. I'm on the run from pony police. My brother just killed a kid. And he tried to kill his dad. That...' I sighed. 'I guess everything is getting unbelievable today.'

Soft hoofbeats came from up the path. 'A cop,' I thought. 'I think it is, anyway... what the hell am I supposed to expect here?...' I waited a long while, until the trotting was about ten feet away. 'Let's find out, I guess. I hope my Geass works like at the Con.'

With a flourish of my cape, I stepped out into plain view. I had long gotten used to the purple tint of my see-through visor, so I could clearly see what I was looking at.
Sure enough, it was another pony. This one was starch white, with golden armor and a short spear. It also had wings, so I guess that made it a Pegasus, right? I didn't know we'd be throwing myth into this now, but hell, it's not like I don't expect for things to get even weirder. Just like Dave said, innuendo and everything. Let it happen.

"Halt," I demanded. The guard tensed up and backed up hastily, scared out of his wits. 'What's wrong with him?' "I, Zero, command you..." I did whatever the hell I did to pop open part of the visor, exposing my Geass. I looked him directly in the eye, thinking hard on how I could ensure he could go away now, yet keep my advantage for later in case I need it. "... to run back home whenever you hear my voice." Yeah, that could work. He tensed, slowly backing away, and I was afraid it may not have worked. I shut my visor and said: "Beat it."
Yep, it worked. He dashed off like his tail was on fire.
And then I thought, maybe, I could deal with the rest of them - however many there were. So I went back to the clearing.
It didn't take long, which was kinda embarrassing. I was never very fast at running. I was glad, however, to see that the area was empty, and Dave was still beneath the bushes. And it had only been, like, five minutes.

"You good, Dave?"

"Yeah. I'm good." He pushed himself up. I'm still amazed at how he moves with all of that armor on.
Standing up straight, he's actually pretty menacing. His sword radiates a light blue color, his armor seems to emit an aura of frost, and although I couldn't see his eyes, it's hard to miss the piercing blue light they shone. I didn't mention that to him, since there was enough going on already.
He stared out into the distance, which seems to be a thing now. I think he's hearing voices in his head again - that's something I didn't believe about him. I thought he may be a little bit crazy, and after Death Coiling a pony child... well, I thought he was a lot crazy.
And then he began mumbling to himself.

"I don't want to. ... No, I should not. ... And what would be in there? ... That sounds good. Better source of answers than you are."
He turned to me, and I pretended to not have been staring at him.
"Alright, we're still going to the castle. The voice says there's a library in there, and maybe we get get a map and some books, to see where we are and where we can go."

'Yeah, the voices told you so. I'm totally down with that.'
"Sounds good," I lied. "We'll just peacefully get in, get what we need, and leave. I think I can get the guards to leave us alone, at least." I opened my visor for emphasis, revealing my eye. "It still works here, by the way."

He nodded. "I wondered what that running was about. Off we go, then," he said. We marched off, to the castle of the Royal Pony Sisters.

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