You've got a lot of randomly capitalized words, very simplistic grammar, pretty much no character backgrounds... "18 year old teen" is redundant. And why is he living on his own in an apartment at that age? He seems more like he'd be in his twenties.

His reaction to finding a (extremely clichéd) Portal To Equestria™ is pretty much nonexistent. It just happens. There could be a more interesting reaction, even if he is half-asleep, but he doesn't have any thoughts about it.

He has a thunder and ice cutie mark... Why? What special talent could that POSSIBLY indicate? It looks like you're not going to explain that, either.

I'm not fond of how you introduce scenes with the exact location, date, and time. It's weird. You typically see that in action movies where they get to put it across the street in green computer-y text. You could have just told us that he lives in New York, back when you gave him a backstory. Oh, right. You didn't do that.

354847
Asshole fanfic Nazi
bad punctuation and no like for you

im okay with this

I was inspired by you to make a HiE, but with a different take, instead of a Brony its a hater. So yeah HiE now means Hater in Equestria. I don't usually read clops but this has a good story line. I will score it when I finish it.

354847 It's like the Davinci Code! The capitalized words probably form a secret code of some sort...

Hold up...
If John isn't a Pegasus, how can he stand on clouds?

For future commentors who might be confused with the comments above, they were made before I rewrote the chapter.

1018440 The chapter is now remade. He no longer wakes up in Rainbow's home.

354847 Yes, sorry about that. When I first made the story, I thought it was good. Now, after looking at it, I just want to repeatedly bash my head against the wall. Don't worry, it's completely in the process of being remade. In 1st person, and where John is 21, AND where watches the show. Also, where Romney bitch becomes elected, and dooms the world.

its quite interesting when he appears to, quote, "pull stuff out of his ass" unquote. now, i dont mean that in the literal sense but i chuckled a bit when

I reached into a fur pocket that I seemed to have. I reached around but felt nothing. I pulled my hoof out, and suddenly, I had a mirror in my hoof.

and

pulling out from my fur pocket a pen and picture of Rainbow posing like a Wonderbolt.

i'm not saying thats a bad part(cuz it isn't a bad part; in fact its a really good part), but it is unexpected. keep up the randomness

"I have. I am a big fan of you and I was wondering if I could...have your autograph," I said to her, pulling out from my fur pocket a pen and picture of Rainbow posing like a Wonderbolt.

I was actually going to say something about him having Pinkie's ability to pull random things from nowhere but I guess you thought of that.

"Cool. I'll be there soon, I suppose," I knew I didn't have any wings, so I couldn't fly with Rainbow there, but I've always loved to walk, so it wouldn't be a problem.

Did he just not notice the wings or did you forget you made your OC a Pegasus?

Man the first part of this is bucked but makes a great plot for a story in battling the ABA maybe having the bronies taking over Canada or something else and fighting a war against the ABA
and why is the government not paying attention to the constitution because they have no right to take their freedoms and have them killed on the spot man even I would rebal against the US government even if it means death