Beyond The horizon

by Cobalt Shine

Chapter One

Chapter one

1800_SCREWED
Editid by: SilverShadowThePegasus

It’s hot outside. I’m a bully victim; life is tough. Overall, I just don't care anymore. My bus just dropped me off and I started walking home. I’m tired from a long day of school. It’s a short walk home. Nothing I had encountered was anything like I had just experienced today. I got home, walked around to the back, and sighed in relief as I went through the back door. I was finally home. I walked through the archway and stepped over the small gate that kept my little dog from escaping. I wasn't thinking straight. I was too tired, so I just fell in the dirt, bum first.
I looked to the sky and yelled. “Why can’t life be simple! Why is life so dull?!”
I sobbed there for a second, when I noticed a bolt from the blue. A little speck appeared as if something was falling. I didn't take much notice. SMACK! Dirt was flying everywhere as a red hot piece of jewelry landed right in front of me. I was confused at first. It looked nice. So I went to pick it up before realizing it was boiling hot. It burned my hand pretty badly.
“AAAHHH DAMN IT!” I cried.
I sat there for a couple of minutes, waiting for the metal to cool before picking it up. I walked inside with the necklace in my hands, just looking at it. It was beautiful. I had never seen such stones before. I put it around my neck and wore it. "Still warm" I thought.

I sat down to turn the T.V. on. Realizing it had been disconnected from the power point, I complained about it let out a sigh before getting up to plug it in. I went to plug it in before my realizing my hand was touching a wire on the inside of the frayed cord. Electricity shot through my body. Pain like I never realized was possible was surging though me. I fell over; shocked and wondering how I was still alive after the ordeal, not noticing the incredible light pulsing out of the three gemstones in the middle of the amulet. Immediately, I took off the amulet and go to touch the gem, forgetting about the electrocution which just occurred; I was focused on the gem. My hand crept towards it. I touched it.

Light poured out of the necklace like someone had just shone a torch right in my face.
“ARGH!” I cried. Brighter and brighter it glowed. I was temporarily blinded. I couldn't see. Everything was just white. When electricity also poured out of the gems, I heard a large crackling noise, then, KABOOOM! I was gone along with half my house.

*Back in Ponyville* KABOOOM! It shook the ground. Every pony turned and looked to see a large explosion like the one they saw two months ago in Twilights library. Everypony gathered in the town’s center.
“Can I have everypony’s attention please?” Twilight said into the microphone. “I think a second explosion has been triggered by the Necklace I created.”
Everyone looked in shock
Lyra spoke up in the crowd. “Will there be any MORE explosions?”
“Yeah, they’re interrupting our day,” Bon Bon agreed.
“I’m very sorry everypony. I’m sure the explosions will stop. I’m not even sure of how they came to be in the first place,” Twilight said, reddening at the fact she admitted she didn’t know something.

*Back to me* I looked around hazily, not feeling quite right, the necklace still around my neck. I could tell I was no longer at home. I seemed to be on the border of what seemed to be a forest. I tried to stand up, but something wasn't right. I couldn't tell what though, I didn’t remember being so close to the ground. I pulled up my hands, and to my realization they weren’t hands but....HOOVES! I panicked at first thinking, "Is this some kind of prank?!” I stood up, realizing I was on all fours trying to stand on two legs. I just fell over. I had also taken notice that I had wings. I was also a Dark blue color with fluorescent blue hair. I was still in shock. Then I looked underneath myself; not only was I a pony, but a mare! I didn't know what to do..

I fainted in shock.

End chapter one
Once again, any feedback is appreciated.
Hope you all enjoyed!
Sorry had to do the whole fainting thing XD

Comments

[Silver Cloud Drifter]

Hey 1800 SCREWED! Before I go any further, your name is so random it's entirely epic!
Anyway, I see a lot of potential in your story. If you're wondering where, I don't know. I just have a feeling in my gut this could turn out well. I wasn't surprised the amulet ended up in the human world, but a guy turning into a mare did. If this character is anything like I would have made him, I'm expecting various sexual innuendos. My one big pet peeve is the many grammar mistakes. Sorry but I'm just saying it like it is.
Example: i scolded my hand 2nd degree “AAAHHH DAMN it i cried” i sat there for a couple of minutes waiting for the metal to cool before picking it up i walked inside with the necklace my hands just looking at it. It was beautiful i had never seen such stones before so i put it around my neck and wore it. Still warm i thought.
First off, to "scold" isn't to burn. It means to criticise. I would have written it like this: I got a 2nd degree burn after trying to pick it up. "AAAAAHHH DAMN IT!" I cried. I sat there for a while, wating for the amulet to cool before grabbing it again. I walked into the house, mesmerized by the necklace. It was a beautiful work of craftsmanship. I'd never seen jewels like those before. I put it around my neck. Still warm, I thought.
Sorry but mistakes like that just piss me off. Also, after Twilight finishes talking, you should start a new paragraph for the new person talking. It's just proper grammar. But I really do think you have potential.
Also, I started a group called Rookies on the Rise, and I am inviting you to join it. This is your first fiction and you're just starting out here, so maybe you could join this group and post stories in it for other "rookies" to see. Consider my offer please.
Also, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you maybe take a look at my story? Thanks!

[Cobalt Shine]

343401 i made it at 1am i will fix the caps and spelling errors dont you worry Oliver Tompkins is helping me with this i wrote all of this he is going over my grammar today

[Flyingspud]

“Why can’t life be simple! Why is life so dull?!” That is a contradiction. Life cannot be both simple and exciting.

Other than that, I must agree with SilverShadow. This story has potential. But grammar is a big thing, glad you corrected it.