Chapter 7
(UNEDITED)
One night had passed since the incident with the hydra and we were all sitting with Princess Luna in the same room where we found her, none of us had any sleep.
“I have a plan!”Announced Luna
“We shall gather the elements of harmony again to stop Discord, it has always worked and the elements wont fail!”She Continued
“But Discord said the elements wont work” Said Fluttershy quietly
“Discord also said that last time sugarcube; and look where that got him’” Replied Applejack
“Well there's no harm in trying is there?” I said. Everyone just stopped talking and looked at me, this is the first time I had spoken since we found Luna.
“She’s right, we cant just give up Discord’s mean!, Look what he did to Princess Calestia” Said Pinkie enthusiastically. Immediately breaking the silence.
“I also have bad news, Since my sister is frozen in stone we cannot go fight Discord, once again she retrieved the elements and locked them away I just don't know how we will retrieve them” Said Luna grimly.
“Oh well i guess that's just to bad,you tried and failed, I hope you enjoy the new Equestria
It’s so funny how you think the elements are going to help you but if you insist go and find them, no hints this time. maybe next time you'll do better oh and your taking up a bit to much space in my castle, so goodbye!”Announced Discord coming out of hiding Laughing menacingly at us.
POOF we were teleported outside getting soaked in chocolate milk rain.
“What in the?” asked Luna.
“We don't know maybe Discord likes chocolate milk or something” Replied Twilight
“I swear this place gets weirder and weirder everyday” Said Rainbow Dash as if she were saying it to me.
“Well we aren't doing any good standing here are we, We have to find the elements girls” said Rarity. So we then all trotted of into the direction of ponyville. On the way there i decided to bring up the awkward conversation with Rainbow we had before.
“Um, Rainbow Dash about before im really sorry about before I shouldn't have asked you or put you in that really awkward spot i know your not a lesbian and should not have done that” I said quietly so only Rainbow could hear. We took a couple of steps back away from everypony else and had our own little conversation.
“It’s ok, don't worry about it we all make mistakes also between you and me your not the first mare to ask me out; you know Berry Punch?” Asked Rainbow Dash. The whole ‘mare’ thing hit me again like a slap to the face.
“Shit, I forgot I was a mare when i was asking Rainbow out, god im stupid”I quickly thought
“Yeah, i've seen Berry Punch while walking around Ponyville” I replied
“Well, the funny thing is she also tried me; of course I said no Berry Punch is a bit weird, I was walking to go and see Applejack, we were going to try a new recipe of hers apple strudel. When out of nowhere Berry Punch comes out of no where full on tackling me asking me out not letting me go trying to kiss me, At least you didn't do that.”Said Rainbow Dash blushing
“Woah, that's a bit much hey, but still im sorry”I replied
“Dude it’s fine, just don't tell anyone about the whole Berry thing okay?”Said Rainbow sheepishly.
“If you had of asked me out a bit later I might have said yes; if only you were a stallion....” Thought Rainbow. Luna pulled me back from Rainbow Dash with her magic and looked at me strangely.
“So, your new to Equesrtia is that true?”Asked Luna
“Yes, though i must say it’s a bit strange living here a feeling i really cannot comprehend” I replied
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”She asked giving me a strange look
“Um, no I don't may I ask why?” I replied
“Oh no reason, also did you ask out Rainbow Dash?” She said trying to change the subject. I started blushing
“I..ii...i uuhhhh.....”I said stumbling
“Never mind” She added with a chuckle
“Also its really easy to tell when your blushing, you are blue after all just like me ” she said. A couple minutes passed of simple chatting about the past events when Twilight burst out.
“I know where the elements are!”. Everypony looked at Twilight shocked
“What ever do you mean darling?” Asked Rarity
“Remember when we were fighting Discord last time?; well after we did the elements were teleported away to someplace unknown”
“Ah‘m a bit lost here sugarcube what do yer mean?” Asked Applejack
“ I think there at the old abandoned castle in the everfree forrest where they first were to begin with!” Excaimed Twilight
“What are we waiting for then, lets go” Yelled Pinkie
“HOLD IT!” I squealed forgetting i was a mare, not a mare or stallion for that matter
“Don't you think that discord would have made a trap?”I asked
“I don't think so, he seemed pretty confident the elements wont work” Replied Twilight
“Well why are we still going for them then?”I asked
“Because right now there our only hope!!, lets go!” Replied Luna. Just as she said that we started galloping towards our objective
{To Discord; inside his head, thinking} “Darn why must there always be a stick in my mud, Cobalt coming back from the human world no, no, no!, this cannot happen, Why couldn't he have just stayed there!, well he’s no threat to me for the time being, that spell I put on him to take away his Alicorn Status and turn him into a mare wont ware off for a long time, as long as he dosn't figure out that Luna is his mother my plan will come together perfectly, im still to weak to send him back to the human world again, he must not find out!, For all they know he is just some random mare named Crystal!”.
End Chapter 7
Thanks to Commandobrony for helping me get out of a corner a wrote myself into
What a twist....
439894 at which part?
440028 the revelations presented by our little diety of chaos.
440103 oh , asked cause i have more then one
440103 oooh also guess who the father is >:-D
Okay, just finished the Prologue. Not entirely bad, but I think it could still use some work. I felt that certain parts were rushed, or lacking, such as describing who was at Pinkie's party by using "And Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy came by too."
I also think that, In my opinion, Twilight is the kind of pony who would notice if something has been moved in her library. I think such a thing has happened with a book of hers once in a episode.
Also, some advice I was given a long while back by different people:
-Show, don't tell: Go into as much detail as you can about surroundings, markings on characters, bruising and etc. More detail, the better. Just don't go overboard An example would be explaining in as much detail as you could, the Everfree forest and it's surroundings, what the ground is like as *character* walks through it.
-Utilize the senses: Explain in as much detail as possible, how the ground under *character*'s hooves feel as they run, how nearby food smells and etc. Same tip before pretty much, but this one is to help the readers get an idea of what the characters are experiencing with the senses. Of course, there's no need to do this every sentence, but now and then, in my opinion, is good.
- Write out one shots/ snippets: They don't have to be related to your current story at all, but writing them and then sending them to be Beta read is useful in finding how much you have improved with certain hurdles. Take my one shot as an example. I wrote it out while utilizing as many of the above tips as I could, sent it to my Girlfriend who Beta read it, and she told me what she thought needed to be fixed. Also, if you do write snippets/one shots, you do not have to submit them, you could very easily use them as references of how you managed to write a certain scene, so you could try and write a similar scene again.
All in all I see potential here, but I do advise that you take as much advice everyone has given you so far and try to apply what you can. Not all of it, but what you can, and go from there
But in the long run, these tips of mine are what I found useful for writing, and everyone has different tips and tricks. I just hope I could have helped a bit
Oh jeez... Long commment is long...
EDIT: Also, never rush your chapter progression. You have all kinds of time to apply and make changes to your story. Submit when you can, but don't force yourself to rush a new chapter
443213 @!#% oops, shouldent have wrote that , i really am a low grade english writer but my teacher always says the same thing you see, she says i have the best idea's however there is very little or no detail in my story , i will try to make it look better but i doubt it will do any good i will try in a couple of hours
P.S there are complications when it comes to writing i cant write during the day due to the fact i am closet brony and nopony in my family knows this :/ , and if they did find out people would crack up laughing at me. and at night i may have work and be to tired to write when i get home, also theres school and i cant write during school,(stupid kids)