Trixie was towing her traveling stage and home behind her along a path that ran parallel to the Everfree Forest, thinking about what she did not a week ago.
How could I have been so foalish? She asked herself mentally, I could have avoided this situation if I hadn't lied in the first place. Trixie sighed. Since her humiliation after the Ursa Minor incident two months ago, her thoughts were consumed with revenge on the lavender unicorn that humiliated her, even going so far as to hunt down an ancient artifact that was supposedly cursed just to get the revenge she wanted so badly. Even though Trixie saw the error in her ways after losing in a magic duel, she felt alone, that fact that she really was alone didn't help the fact.
Maybe I should get a pet or something, she mused. I'll at least have something to take my thoughts away from my constant travels somewhat.
A lengthy span of time passed where nothing but the sound of her cart's wheels on the ground was the only noise present, until she heard a light rustling in the brush to her immediate right.
She stopped dead in her tracks. "Who's there?" She asked. No response "Show yourself, Trixie already knows you're there."
More rustling, Trixie charged her horn, preparing to cast a spell if necessary, the rustling was louder, her muscles tensed up. It was a rabbit, an ordinary rabbit. Trixie sighed.
"You know it's not nice to scare ponies like that, right?" She asked it, the little rabbit nodded its head. "Good, now run along." And the rabbit did just that. Trixie also left the premises, glad that something snapped her from her thoughts of loneliness. Trixie grunted as she walked, it felt as if her cart had gotten heavier since she stopped. After ten minutes of pulling her now obviously heavier cart she stopped and unhooked herself.
"There is no way I was imagining that weight." she told herself, gasping slightly from the physical effort. After regaining her breath Trixie went to the back of her cart to find the door's lock open, as if somepony had unlocked it and forgot to put it back correctly. Her curiosity perked, she magicked the lock off the door and opened said door to find the most bizarre sight she could have imagined. Even with her extensive knowledge of almost every creature in Equestria and its surrounding countries she had no idea what the creature that was lying on her bed even was! It had little to no fur besides its mane, had hind legs far longer than it's forelegs, suggesting that it was bipedal and odd enough was wearing a set of pristine and clean clothes.
Minutes passed with the creature and Trixie staring at each other, it's metallic silver eyes alluring in a cute animal type of way.
"Err-Hi?" said a masculine voice.
Trixie furrowed her brow, and looked behind her, finding nopony, surely she hadn't just heard this creature speak.
"I said, hello."
Trixie rubbed her head with a hoof, did she hit her head? Was she imagining this?
"I heard you speak, so I know you understand me." It said.
Trixie's jaw dropped, there was no denying it any longer, this new creature was smart enough to get into her locked cart without breaking the lock and could even speak! If that's the case than maybe it's civilized and can give her the information on what it is.
"You... are correct. Trixie was speaking earlier." She said in a slightly shaky voice.
"Good to hear, I guess." it said. "I assume you don't know what I am since I don't know what you are?"
"You are... correct again."
"I'll start with what I am, and that's a human."
"Human? What's a human?"
The human groaned and put one of its appendages on its face in an 'are you serious?' fashion. "You didn't just ask that now, did you?" He asked. Trixie was about to retort when it raised its appendage and silenced her. Odd. She didn't have the intention to stop talking. "Never mind. I'll explain exactly what a human is." It paused, "Humans are bipedal, mammal, homo sapiens that are at the top of the food chain of the planet Earth, humans aren't the strongest physically but we have incredibly advanced technology that we use against... really everything, other species, our planet..." His face darkened "and each other" he spat.
Silence prevailed after the human finished his explanation. Trixie was never one to be completely afraid of another, unless it was a predator, but she was terrified of this... human just from an explanation of what they are and what they have.
The human sighed and raised it's appendage yet again and Trixie found her hooves stuck to the ground. Pulling back she tried to break free of whatever got a hold of her until she noticed the faint white glow around the end of the humans appendage.
"You can use magic?!?!" She shouted. "That's impossible! Only unicorns like Trixie can use magic!"
"Not in my case it seems." It said. "Anyways, now that I've explained what I am, can you explain exactly what you are, because to me you look like a miniature horse,"
Trixie snorted in outrage at the insult of being called a horse, "First, Trixie is not a horse, the Saddle Arabians are horses, and second Trixie is a unicorn pony." Brief and to the point, just how Trixie liked it.
The human glanced up and saw her horn, "So you are." the corners of his mouth raised the slightest bit. "I'd never had guessed when I saw a colorful equine that it would be able to speak, use magic and would be an example of Greek mythology. Interesting..."
The way this human was staring at Trixie caused some anxiety, it was like the human was dissecting her just by looking at her. She shuddered, wishing she wasn't still trapped.
The human cocked it's head to the side, much like a confused dog. "Something wrong?"
"Yes!" Trixie shouted. "There is most definitely something wrong here!"
"Oh really?" He mussed with that same half smirk "Pray tell, what is so wrong?"
"Oh, nothing really, besides the fact that you're restraining Trixie to the ground and studying Trixie as if she was some new plaything!" She clapped her hooves over her mouth regretting her choice of words. She gave this human an idea of what to do with her, and it scared her. Chuckling. He was chuckling! '"A-and w-what is so f-funny?" Trixie stuttered, images of what this human could do to her with just a spell running amok inside her skull.
"Oh nothing really, just the fact that you're wrong with both of those assessments, because I released you during your short explanation and I was just comparing how you- Hey!" As soon as Trixie heard that she had already been released she bolted in the opposite direction, forget trying to fight the human, its magic was far stronger because it got past her Control Magic-Ward as if it was nothing. She just continued to gallop away as fast as she possibly could until she was stopped dead in her tracks by something that got a hold of her tail.
"Let Trixie go!" She shouted and looked back to find a manticore holding her tail. The world stopped and Trixie's heart too, her eyes shrunk to pinpricks and a piercing scream ended the pause in time. The manticore raised a clawed lion paw in the air, the look in it's eye showing it's hunger and blood lust. Trixie closed her eyes, hoping that it would be quick. But it never came, instead she heard a war cry.
Trixie opened her eyes to find the human pounding down the trail towards them, a deep scowl on his face.
As if this wasn't bad enough. Trixie thought. However, instead of attacking the two of them as Trixie expected he jumped high into the air and landed a kick in the manticore snout, causing the manticore to fly back several hundred feet which in turn sent Trixie flying with it. Trixie's head collided with something very hard and solid, could have been a tree, could have been a rock, she didn't know. All she knew was that her vision was fading and the manticore was fighting the human and losing.
The final blow landed and the manticore fell, Trixie didn't know if it was dead or just unconscious. The last thing Trixie saw before losing all of her vision was the human striding towards her, his shirt torn, covered in blood and had a concerned look on his face.
Ok, I have only one criticism.
Grammar, grammar, GAMMAR! Do a brief check before submitting.
3844904 Sorry to say, but could you point out some mistakes? Grammar was always my weak point
A bit rushed and a few misspellings but pretty nifty overall I suppose
3844933 Thank you for the compliment but now that I looked over it again I admit it is rather fast paced, but sometimes that happens to me Just can't word it differently sometimes.
This would be funny if the great and powerful human was Merlin, but it's not.
3844984 Your right, he isn't Merlin, but 'the human' is actually introduced in the second chapter
3844997 Somebody should really do a mlp story with Merlin in it. That's all I'm saying.
I want so badly to like this. I'm a huge Trixie fan and you've certainly got the beginnings of a good story, it's kinda rushed though. I'd humbly suggest that you look for a pre reader/editor.
Because I really like your premise I'm gonna favorite this but I'll wait for more chapters before I give a thumbs up or down
3844920 "...Maybe I should get a pet or something. She mussed. I'll at least have something to take my thoughts away from my constant travels somewhat..." Should be distinguished between a thought and narration.
"...Humans are bipedal mammal homo sapiens..." A list, should have commas.
"...but she was terrified of this...human just from an explanation of what they is and what they have..." What they are, not what they is.
That's all that I can see. There are also a few places where Oxfordian Commas could have been used.
All and all...
Pretty good for your first chapter of your very first FanFic.
3845077 Good to hear! and I'll take your suggestion into consideration, might have been better if I just got an editor in the first place
3845093
Wonderful, I can't wait to read more.
Mare being attacked by a dangerous beast in the middle of the woods, what does a human do?
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/191/leeroy_Final.jpg
3846029 I didn't think of it like that, funny. But I'm sure everybrony would leap to arms to save one of the ponies!
I am a to be participant in The Equestrian Critic Society. Over all a good story. It does feel slightly rushed towards the end, and a slight disconnect between the way trixie thinks and talks. But a great story non the less.
3846799 Yeah, that seems to be the only real problem I have but I'm just glad overall you and everybrony else who's taken the time to read my first FanFic's first chapter enjoyed it to varying degrees
3848540 Good to hear it, and your in luck, I just posted Chapter Two
I absolutely love the idea for ths story but it seems to be moving a bit fast
Besides that however the only other thing I don't like about this is how the human reacted
And this is your first story?!?
Dayum
3855218 I understand now that it is very fast paced, and I made sure to slow down the second chapter, and yes, this is my first fan fiction (As for how the human reacts that reason is put into question many times before I elaborate exactly why he doesn't act in a spastic manner )
Bit of a Gary Stu don't you think?
Here's a list:
- Human doesn't freak out upon waking in new world and encountering talking pony, etc.
- Human has magical powers
- Human has epic battle right away and comes away as the victor unscathed
- There's probably more, but I can't find it in myself to find them.
So here's the thing, when you start a story and introduce a human character the default assumption is that he/she's from Earth (our version). The other default assumption is that, unless otherwise proven, that person is a reasonably normal person in terms of psychological make-up. If any of these assumptions are false in your story, it's good to prove them wrong in the first chapter in my opinion. It helps to dispell any misconceptions people might have. That being said, if the assumptions are correct then the lack of shock is an issue. Along with the sudden abilities. Even if a human were to be 'numb' (devoid of emotion), they would at least (reasonably) find having magic as an oddity if nothing else. That of course, assumes that he did not have magic beforehand. The way your story starts, your giving people a bad first impression right off the bat. I read this and think "Oh great, another self-insert HiE where the male protagonist is a Gary Stu (with magic no-less!) and everything goes his way."
I applaud your attempt with using Trixie, as she is one character who doesn't tend to get much love. She's a bit hard to write, but you did "OK" in this chapter (no major screw-ups, but no real detail either). I did like the scene with the bunny; I feel like it could have been fleshed out a bit though. Overall, these are things that your going to learn through actually writing. No one got to be a master musician without practice.
I wish you luck, and hope that you find time to improve on your writing with each chapter.
"that we use against...really everything, other species, our planet..." His face darkened "And each other" he spat." And that's where i stopped reading.
Maybe I should get a pet or something, She mussed
and it's surrounding countries
when it raised it's appendage
besides the fact that your restraining Trixie
besides the fact that your wrong
1. Mused.
2. Its.
3. Its.
4. You're.
5. You're.
Here is a site that can help understand what went wrong with 2 & 3 while this will help with 4 & 5.
Don't worry, it's a common enough mistake and at the very least I don't see a dozen mistakes like this so you're off to a good start but yes I agree with a comment earlier that the character seems like a Gary Stu currently. Oh well, to read on and see I shall
3868981 GRRRRAAAAAHHHH! Sorry, I make those mistakes too often I'll be sure to fix them.
I don't generally enjoy HiE stories, so this stayed in my read later folder for quite a while. I now regret that decision. This seems to be off to a great start, if you ask me. I like how he doesn't freak out. He seems like a guy that doesn't let such things phase him anymore. My head cannon on this man is that years ago he woke up surrounded by strange people and suddenly had strange, magical powers. He freaked out then, and now he finds some humor in this situation. As far as his attitude goes, idk if you're a Doctor Who fan, but he reminds me of Colin Baker's (6th) doctor. He seems very confident of himself and blunt, almost to the point of being rude, but not so much that he's altogether dislikeable.
...I see what you did there.
I just now learned that that was a term.
This seems interesting, not perfect, nor commendably "up there", just... interesting.
I think the word you are looking for is surely...
This story actually looks like a good choice for me because it has less details. It seems like people want writers to spell out everything for immersion but I guess I lack the brain RAM for that.