Light has always triumphed in the face of darkness. But can our favorite heroines truly defeat an evil that is merciless and relentless in its pursuit to grow? Join your favorite ponies as they deal with a threat they've never gone against before.
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Aliens?
Interesting...
4014552 Yeah. I'm trying my hand with these guys. Loved the movies since I first saw them. Gave me nightmares afterwards though.
4014555
Haven't seen the movies though.
4014557 You should give them a shot. The Xenomorph is one of the best movie monsters out there, and my all time personal favorite, for they are scary, terrifying, but cool and awesome the same.
(Sorry, got excited for a moment)
4014565
Don't worry about it.
I'm not a fan of horror movies () but I'll probably give Aliens a chance.
4014567
Hahaha I love Aliens :D
yes the xenomorphs shall consume! Tremble in fear of the ultimate killer! Love the story keep up the great work.
4014873 Thank you so much.
4014932 I love those adorable yet creepy bastards too.
4015107 Yes, they shall consume, all of Equestria! Well not really, but things do definitely take a turn for the worse in the next chapter. Muahahaahahaha!
this is looking good for the Xenomorph, but we all know that it will most likely fall at the end. I don't know why but I wont the Xenomorph to win for once.
4018417 Don't we all.
4023225 ya we all wont to see the world burn.
You have earned a like, a favorite, and my attention . I'm excited to see where you'll go with this. Just like the upcoming Alien Isolation, this will hopefully portray the Alien as unrelenting, remorseless, nigh-unstoppable, towering killing machine like it was in the 1979 original. There has been too many adaptations that depict the Xenomorphs as stunted, mindless, weak cannon fodder.
4027249 Yeah that's true. You see, I wanted to portray the alien as it truly was. Not some mindless monster like in the games or some movies, but a being that's highly intelligent, powerful, almost unstoppable and basically a force to be reckoned with.
Oh and just wait until next chapter, I did pretty well with the horror part. And yes, I can't wait to get Alien: Isolation. That game will probably give me plenty of nightmares, but oh well.
Is this a drone and or a warrior?
4075362 This Xenomorph is most certainly a Warrior.
The only error I see is that you called the two male ponies colts. Colt is a male foal (child), not a fully grown male, or stallion as some say. But yea pretty good work. I feel as though the xenomorph is actually a threat like in Alien.
Splitting up is a bad idea.
Let's split up!
4014555 those movies were VERY important to my childhood. My inner nine year old won't shut up!
4270216 thats what i said
So, this chapter is better. There are less grammar errors than there were in the first one, but there are still a lot.
Even so, I have to congratulate you on the fact this story is making me shiver. You're hitting the sweet spots, author. I hope to see more of it.
Very good i am sorry but when the roocky start fooling i start singing this guy is dead, very well dead, but thanks i am having fun sorry but i am having fun, thanks for the storie
Ooh boy... How can I say this nicely...
It's not... good.
Don't get me wrong, the premise lends itself to possibilities, in the isolation of the old castle. But... I don't think this is being handled especially well so far. It's less that the events haven't been at least as sensible as standard horror fare, and more that the author doesn't have much writing experience.
Starting here, you go on describing all our characters, more or less. If there were an outsider first encountering them, describing them from the outsider perspective would make sense. But here, this is pony fic, posted on FimFiction. We know them already. We won't be confused.
If anything, the Alien is the element some readers (I can't imagine who, but I'm sure they're out there) won't recognize, and yet I don't think the first chapter offered the most basic description, and their reveal was a pedestrian statement to the effect of, "one of the creatures leapt out at them from the side." Frank Stallone got a better character reveal in "Deadly Games."
Then you go on to switch to the Xeno's perspective, and there are a number of things I have an issue with.
Minor point, but given how "alien" the Alien is, it would be interesting if it didn't even recognize speech as a means of communication. Perhaps it sees inferior prey, stupidly announcing their locations with their mouth noises.
It "SAW" pheromone outlines? I understand you're trying to worldbuild on the Xeno's apparent lack of eyes by describing a different way of seeing the world, but pheromones denote smells, not sight. And I don't think the Alien uses smell to navigate its world. Dogs are fantastic with smell, but they still need eyes. If they smell prey out THAT well, I think they would have found Newt pretty quickly back at Hadley's Hope.
I see what you're doing, but I'd go back to the drawing board.
A bunch of ponies, a major threat? Somehow I can't see a xeno thinking along those lines. Maybe with humans, because these ones have encountered human weapons, but ponies look harmless and tiny.
Pff, wow that didn't work.
Sorry, but setting a condition, and then meeting said condition one sentence later starting with "they did and" sounds incredibly passive and rushed. These are the moments you need to describe events in more visceral detail. You're telling events as they're happening, not like they happened years ago. It sounds weird, mixing in language that sounds like a really lax article from a history book.
Again, you mix passive and active language. You quoted Celestia and Luna's thoughts, so why is Cadance delegated to having her thoughts explained by the narrator?
Wait, when did we switch from "It" to "She"? You ARE talking about the Xeno, right?
The Xeno is waiting for a victim to be all ALONE to strike? I don't remember that stopping them before from ambushing a whole group of people without care. I know it's unaware of the ponies abilities, and waiting to see is intelligent, but I just can't see it being too intimidated by creatures less than half its size, regardless of their number. It could easily have grabbed one of them and taken off into the darkness before anyone reacted.
It was a deer, right? I know we've never seen them in the show, but being sizeable hoofed animals, it's always struck me that they would be as smart and civilized as ponies. Minor point, but it just feels odd to me, I don't see the distinction.
I don't know, the wound from a Xeno headbite doesn't seem like it would be all THAT unique-looking.
What's precise about it? It's just punching a hole into something, the wounds never seem to possess any signature shape.
No, Celestia, it isn't. In fact, it's the kiss of death, and you're about to get people in your party killed.
Seriously, Celestia is wise beyond any of them. You're really telling me she would split the party, knowing the risks involved? Say they split up, and hey, they find it. What's going to happen WHEN they find it, and the group isn't there to help them? Would be a lot better to have four alicorns, several gaurds, and the former Element bearers fighting an alien than any lesser combination of that...
Most predators would do such a thing, Twilight. You should know this, you're not an idiot. Predation IS a thing in Equestria, and the Everfree Forest in particular.
I know it's a kids show, but I seriously doubt the ponies are actually THAT naive.
Oh fuck off. Are you serious? You're going to pretend that the unidentified screeches, vague flashes and a whole TWO dead prey animals is really going to spook CELESTIA into open tremors of fear?
I know you're trying to write the horror aspect, but horror doesn't mean the characters have to become quivering pussies. Celestia should be the rallying point, because she could probably raise a shield around herself and keep out any kind of physical attack, within reason. Even if she's ambushed, even by a Xeno, it's going to lose surprise and be forced to challenge her directly. In short, Celestia should be the LEAST afraid of this thing.
4104593 That I have definitely fixed.
4270216 One of the most cliche, yet useful tactic in a horror story.
4434079 Yeah... won't lie about the night terrors I had after seeing these things in action when I was like eleven or twelve years old.
4624544 Yet again, such an effective tactic.
4632432 Hopefully with even less errors this time.
4727627 It is alright. And thank you.
5582703 And yes... I understand I can never change your mind. But with the new revisions to these latest chapters, how does it look? (Because Positive criticism is the best, although I have learned to tolerate any type of criticism.) But I do thank you for what you have said. This has made me push that much harder to make it even better than before.
Aliens vs. Ponies
Whoever wins...
We lose...
7415596 No, it's Aliens V.S Ponies
It doesn't matter how strong they are...
Ponies will lose, long live the hive