When two stepbrothers find a mysterious crystal in an abandoned cave and take it home, they wake up is the ponyfilled world of Equestria. Scared and confused they decide to stay with the mane six with no way to get back home.
Wow that was pretty great for a remaster, the only i noticed were a few spelling mistakes but that's fine cause this is as good as I remember when i first read the story, hope to see plenty more soon cause this is great!!! .
Also if your remastering this story what's gonna happen to the story Roommates?
Only some minor spelling errors and grammar mistakes. Pretty good, but how exactly is this supposed to be better? This is the exact same as the previous version. If you need a proofreader/editor, I could do it. I'm helping zodtheimmortalone with editing and I'd be happy to help out
uhm.. good remaster but you should arrange the paragraphs one line of separation from the other is fine but two sometimes ruin the reading and fluency.
OMG this is awesome so far I am officially highped, Plese is this rewrite let Scott be able to fight with his own fighting style and not just set there and watch or just get hit and then have his brother fight in his place.I hope the girls will still have massive boobs,and the bros will still be hung like 10-11 but not like 13 and above,and it has all the sex like the original.
I see you decided to rewrite your story. Just please don’t make Scott a punching bag and constantly be abused by the mares. I know he sometimes says or does things stupid that gets him in trouble but he doesn’t do it on purpose. I think it’s better to have him learn from his mistakes and think about what he should say. If you plan on making him a punching bag, at least make him stand up for himself to not get constantly abused.
“Wrong answer asshole!” She shouted as she lunges at Scott. James freaks out and had to trip his brother to keep from getting his face caved in as her fist connects with a column of the barn and smashed it to pieces. The guys freak out with how strong she is, but it gets worse when she turns towards them with her cat slit eyes and staring at the two of them with seething race.
"One of the doors on the car open up and a human with spiked up black hair and black eyes looked at the cabin and smelled the mountain air. He was wearing a pair of mountain boots with a short sleeve shirt and khaki shorts on his medium built frame. His name was James McCloud."
1) There are tense disagreements here, and peppered throughout the prologue. Past vs. present, primarily. -> door opens /i] up then the man looked out 2) Rather than explicitly describing a character, it usually works better if you have other characters name them, then point out traits as they perform actions. "James, are you really gonna keep your hair spiked up like that?" " He turns around to see the wall cracking as the crack was moving along the wall."
Department of redundancy department. Both parts of the sentence mean the same thing.
"He notices what appeared to be some type of barn, with a few stables, bales of hay, some buckets and cows in the back, and a some watering cans.
"Scott, why are we in a barn?" "
It's usually best not to repeat narrative info in dialogue, especially if you just gave it out. In this case, describe the barn after james asks, or don't name the barn until the dialogue.
Wow that was pretty great for a remaster, the only i noticed were a few spelling mistakes but that's fine cause this is as good as I remember when i first read the story, hope to see plenty more soon cause this is great!!! .
Also if your remastering this story what's gonna happen to the story Roommates?
Plan on remastering that as well.
Only some minor spelling errors and grammar mistakes. Pretty good, but how exactly is this supposed to be better? This is the exact same as the previous version. If you need a proofreader/editor, I could do it. I'm helping zodtheimmortalone with editing and I'd be happy to help out
uhm.. good remaster but you should arrange the paragraphs one line of separation from the other is fine but two sometimes ruin the reading and fluency.
Ah I remember this story thought it was canceled. How long until the next chapter?
Hey you're re-writing this story, cool. Please don't make the guys have the freakishly large dicks like the last time.
OMG this is awesome so far I am officially highped, Plese is this rewrite let Scott be able to fight with his own fighting style and not just set there and watch or just get hit and then have his brother fight in his place.I hope the girls will still have massive boobs,and the bros will still be hung like 10-11 but not like 13 and above,and it has all the sex like the original.
Never read the first one. But this remastered version is pretty good. Looking forward to more.
I see you decided to rewrite your story. Just please don’t make Scott a punching bag and constantly be abused by the mares. I know he sometimes says or does things stupid that gets him in trouble but he doesn’t do it on purpose. I think it’s better to have him learn from his mistakes and think about what he should say. If you plan on making him a punching bag, at least make him stand up for himself to not get constantly abused.
to bad the original one isn't still around would of been a nice nostalgia of reading it
Me:
"One of the doors on the car open up and a human with spiked up black hair and black eyes looked at the cabin and smelled the mountain air. He was wearing a pair of mountain boots with a short sleeve shirt and khaki shorts on his medium built frame. His name was James McCloud."
1) There are tense disagreements here, and peppered throughout the prologue. Past vs. present, primarily.
-> door opens /i] up then the man looked out
2) Rather than explicitly describing a character, it usually works better if you have other characters name them, then point out traits as they perform actions.
"James, are you really gonna keep your hair spiked up like that?"
" He turns around to see the wall cracking as the crack was moving along the wall."
Department of redundancy department. Both parts of the sentence mean the same thing.
"He notices what appeared to be some type of barn, with a few stables, bales of hay, some buckets and cows in the back, and a some watering cans.
"Scott, why are we in a barn?" "
It's usually best not to repeat narrative info in dialogue, especially if you just gave it out. In this case, describe the barn after james asks, or don't name the barn until the dialogue.