Unf. For cereal. Your stories are fantastic. The way you can craft both cute, heartfelt stuff; and sexy, sexy goodness floors me. I should also mention the drama here too. You pull that off quite nicely when needed. The best part is, as I've watched your writing progress you've gotten really good at blending the two when it fits, and separating them completely where appropriate. Also, your ability to work in humor that serves the story, and not just awkward laughs for humor's sake is excellent. Keep doing what you do AnonPeg, I'll keep watching and taking notes! For scientific posterity, of course. Really.
3862986 And it's very nice for you to speak about my improvements. I try to improve with every story I write. And honestly, this chapter isn't my best work. It feels too... rushed. A problem I have with a lot of writing, I guess.
3862990 I wouldn't call it rushed, to be honest. It simply feels like a bite-sized snapshot of Twily and Shiny up to wonderfully delicious incest. Nothing wrong with popping out short and sweet romps from time to time.
I suppose if someone wanted to be picky, they could say the pacing feels fast, but you make it evident right away that neither sibling has any reservations about what is going to transpire. Twilight, in more words, says: "Yeah, I watch you and Cadence go at. Problem?"
Shining thinks about this for a moment or two and remembers: "Hey, we should probably be discreet."
True, this a very odd way for most of us to think about that exchange, but maybe there's a reason it isn't so hard to conceive for the siblings. Might make for interesting exposition if you wanted to take a look at maybe the other members of the family get up to some not so accepted practices.
Just my thought on it. It really feels plausible in this sense, simply because the siblings are so comfortable with each other.
I love your stuff, Anon, but for the love of god, please come up with another word other than 'cunny'. Seriously. Go back and read the paragraphs where it appears and try telling me that it doesn't appear too often. Frankly, once every consecutive paragraph is pushing it, but twice in the same paragraph? I just...
3863140 I use dirty slang words because they're dirty Cunny is currently my favorite. 'Cunt' is losing its polish. 'Pussy' feels too porn-ish. Like a word you'd expect to hear in a bad line of dialogue in a cheap porn flick. 'I'm gonna suck your pussy, girl!'.
Everything else slang just feels... hacky. There a lot of different words for it, but to me, only a few words actually 'fit'. Only a few words bring up the right mental imagery. If I say he's licking her cunt, or her cunny, or even her pussy, you know immediately what he's doing. Now replace that with 'clam' or 'core' or, god forbig, 'vagina' or 'vulva'. It just doesn't work the same. Get too far into slang, and suddenly your story becomes a parody of itself. Get too far into the clinical and you disassociate the reader from the action.
There is a very small margin of words that can be used when describing lustful screwing. Especially in incest, because it's just so goddamn dirty. So word repetition will happen, I'm afraid.
I can't say that I'll ever fix it, and I won't apologize for my choice of wording in this, but I can explain why I do it.
Twilight nodded once. “Yeah, that might raise some eyebrows,” she admitted.
Surprisingly socially astute for our adorkable little bookworm.
“She is quite a skilled lover, isn’t she?” Twilight asked, tracing the length of her brother’s cock with her hoof. “I’m done here,” she said suddenly, pulling her hoof away.
I almost expected you to just end it right here. I think you would have killed me with laughter.
Much like Shining, I can't think of any great school puns, but that was hot either way. I look forward to Twilight's continued anatomy lessons. I'm gonna take it as a personal victory if I can teach you that there are more words than "cunny, cunt & cock" though.
In a hazy afterglow, Shining Armor looked down at his little sister, catching sight of her, open-mouthed and panting, tongue and lips coated in his spunk, with lines of his eager emissions across her face and cheeks, staring up at him with wide eyes.
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum! We need fanart of this scene with teen Shiny and filly Twily (they are that age in this chapter, right? Or is it barley adult Shiny and just started teen Twily?). Or even better some animation of that heavy breathing with all the spunk on her face/in her mouth. Ofc from Shiny's perspective that is.^^
Well... let's be honest with ourselves: this is porn. Nobody would think twice about it if you used 'pussy' every now and again. But hey, if you keep writing, I'll keep reading regardless of what words you decide to use. ^_^
3862990 Rushed? Really? Nah, this is just a nice, short, 'travel-sized' chapter. It's like second breakfast. More than a snack, less than a full meal...but all well received. I approve.
3902287 bah, it was on the news, aand I don't know how to find it. also It happened a few years ago My memories a bit fuzzy on it. Sheesh, heck I might have gotten it confused and accidentally embellished on the story of the old guy shooting the black teenager who was trying to steal from his home.
I think it was the case that made the stand your ground laws in the us.
Comment posted by Xaldon Ajide deleted Feb 5th, 2014
Slang repetition aside, there is pretty heavy repetition of the words avid and interest. To the point I found myself rolling my eyes every time it popped every few paragraphs. Yep, your first chapter was certainly the better written one.
Unf.
For cereal. Your stories are fantastic.
The way you can craft both cute, heartfelt stuff; and sexy, sexy goodness floors me. I should also mention the drama here too. You pull that off quite nicely when needed.
The best part is, as I've watched your writing progress you've gotten really good at blending the two when it fits, and separating them completely where appropriate.
Also, your ability to work in humor that serves the story, and not just awkward laughs for humor's sake is excellent.
Keep doing what you do AnonPeg, I'll keep watching and taking notes!
For scientific posterity, of course. Really.
3862954 So long as the comments keep coming, I'll keep plugging away.
3862966
Eeeeeexcellent...
3862986 And it's very nice for you to speak about my improvements. I try to improve with every story I write. And honestly, this chapter isn't my best work. It feels too... rushed. A problem I have with a lot of writing, I guess.
I'll do better next time.
I'm looking forward to reading this when I'm in a more... appropriate mood.
3862990
I wouldn't call it rushed, to be honest. It simply feels like a bite-sized snapshot of Twily and Shiny up to wonderfully delicious incest. Nothing wrong with popping out short and sweet romps from time to time.
I suppose if someone wanted to be picky, they could say the pacing feels fast, but you make it evident right away that neither sibling has any reservations about what is going to transpire. Twilight, in more words, says: "Yeah, I watch you and Cadence go at. Problem?"
Shining thinks about this for a moment or two and remembers: "Hey, we should probably be discreet."
True, this a very odd way for most of us to think about that exchange, but maybe there's a reason it isn't so hard to conceive for the siblings. Might make for interesting exposition if you wanted to take a look at maybe the other members of the family get up to some not so accepted practices.
Just my thought on it. It really feels plausible in this sense, simply because the siblings are so comfortable with each other.
I love your stuff, Anon, but for the love of god, please come up with another word other than 'cunny'. Seriously. Go back and read the paragraphs where it appears and try telling me that it doesn't appear too often. Frankly, once every consecutive paragraph is pushing it, but twice in the same paragraph? I just...
Still awaiting more chapters.
3863140 I use dirty slang words because they're dirty Cunny is currently my favorite. 'Cunt' is losing its polish. 'Pussy' feels too porn-ish. Like a word you'd expect to hear in a bad line of dialogue in a cheap porn flick. 'I'm gonna suck your pussy, girl!'.
Everything else slang just feels... hacky. There a lot of different words for it, but to me, only a few words actually 'fit'. Only a few words bring up the right mental imagery. If I say he's licking her cunt, or her cunny, or even her pussy, you know immediately what he's doing. Now replace that with 'clam' or 'core' or, god forbig, 'vagina' or 'vulva'. It just doesn't work the same. Get too far into slang, and suddenly your story becomes a parody of itself. Get too far into the clinical and you disassociate the reader from the action.
There is a very small margin of words that can be used when describing lustful screwing. Especially in incest, because it's just so goddamn dirty. So word repetition will happen, I'm afraid.
I can't say that I'll ever fix it, and I won't apologize for my choice of wording in this, but I can explain why I do it.
Quality Shit we got here.
Keep up the good work!
Shit that was hawt!
this is really, really good.
I have never been so pleased by the two of them getting each other off than with this saucy little chapter(?)
Yeah right.
Surprisingly socially astute for our adorkable little bookworm.
I almost expected you to just end it right here. I think you would have killed me with laughter.
Much like Shining, I can't think of any great school puns, but that was hot either way. I look forward to Twilight's continued anatomy lessons. I'm gonna take it as a personal victory if I can teach you that there are more words than "cunny, cunt & cock" though.
SO MUCH WIN MORE PLEASE!
Loved it. Very hot and enjoyable.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum!
We need fanart of this scene with teen Shiny and filly Twily (they are that age in this chapter, right? Or is it barley adult Shiny and just started teen Twily?). Or even better some animation of that heavy breathing with all the spunk on her face/in her mouth. Ofc from Shiny's perspective that is.^^
Gah.
This is absolutely great. Twi/Shining is one of my top three favorite ships, and I can never have enough of it!
3863207
Well... let's be honest with ourselves: this is porn. Nobody would think twice about it if you used 'pussy' every now and again. But hey, if you keep writing, I'll keep reading regardless of what words you decide to use. ^_^
Is this a prequel, or another universe?
3867771
3867991 Ok ok, geez
3681306 you can't go somewhere that doesn't exist. (Well, most likely doesn't exist)
I found this chapter very humorous!
Another great chapter!
I LOVE IT!
3863207
Marehood is the word.
i.imgur.com/tfZQS.jpg
Purely for scientific research.... If only it was that easy to get laid....
3862990 Rushed? Really? Nah, this is just a nice, short, 'travel-sized' chapter. It's like second breakfast. More than a snack, less than a full meal...but all well received. I approve.
3902287 bah, it was on the news, aand I don't know how to find it. also It happened a few years ago My memories a bit fuzzy on it. Sheesh, heck I might have gotten it confused and accidentally embellished on the story of the old guy shooting the black teenager who was trying to steal from his home.
I think it was the case that made the stand your ground laws in the us.
o.o
Slang repetition aside, there is pretty heavy repetition of the words avid and interest. To the point I found myself rolling my eyes every time it popped every few paragraphs. Yep, your first chapter was certainly the better written one.
3863746 Your profile pic looks sorta like the medic from TF2…
4179052
Yeah but only if he wears the Blighted Beak
cosplayisland.co.uk/files/images/medic_0.jpg
4181563 NO…theres a metal robo version with red eyes
The only problem? The absence of more chapters!