“Vhat...has just happened?”
Photo Finish had just seen her most successful, most famous model quit on her and walk off with the white unicorn who had introduced them on the first place, while using one of her favorite catch phrases.
She spent several moments staring at the door they had left through, barely noticing the loud declaration the other unicorn in the room had made. Eventually she was roused from her dumbfounded reverie by her assistant, Powder Rouge, who asked, “Um, Photo Finish? Are you okay?”
“Of course. I just watched Flootershy quit for no reason. Why wouldn't I be okay?”
Powder somehow missed her sarcasm, as she said, “It's just that you don't seem yourself. Anyway, should we start packing? Our train leaves in an hour.”
“Oh, of course. We must get back to Trottingham tonight, so make it quick.”
“Of course, ma'am.”
As they made their way around the backstage area, gathering all their makeup and dresses, Photo Finish thought about what had transpired. Sure, Fluttershy's performance on stage that day was, for lack of a better term, horrible, but, for some unfathomable reason, the audience loved it. She also wondered why Fluttershy would ever act in such a way, since that was nothing like how she normally acted, and whether she quit because of what happened onstage.
Soon, they had their supplies together and were boarding the train for the six hour trip home. While on the train, Photo Finish thought back on her entire time being Fluttershy's agent, wondering if maybe it was her fault that Fluttershy had quit.
The first time Photo Finish had laid eyes on Fluttershy was when that white unicorn that Fluttershy had left with was having her model her dresses for the photographer. Photo Finish had thought that the dress Fluttershy was in was too busy, with too much sparkle and some completely unnecessary ribbons. On the other hoof there was that typical feeling she got when she found the perfect pony to model for her, that strong personal attraction she called “ze magicks.” For this reason, she decided to start the photo shoot immediately.
She knew that she would have to draw out the model's most attractive side, so she started by telling her to “Show Photo Finish something!” To her mild annoyance, Fluttershy, whose name she didn't know yet, seemed to be trying for more conventional beauty, and it wasn't working for her. When she let Fluttershy know this with a curt “No!” Fluttershy then cowered down, obviously saddened by her harsh command. As it turned out, this worked absolute wonders on her attractiveness, and she tried to keep it drawn out by saying “Yesss!” This process was repeated with the next pose and the one after, before she declared, “It seems that I, Photo Finish, have found the next fashion star here in Ponyville.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Really. And I, Photo Finish, am going to help her to shine all over Equestria. Tomorrow a photo shoot in ze park...I go!” In hindsight, Photo Finish realized she could have been clearer about who she meant, but it was unlikely that this had any effect on Fluttershy's decision to quit.
The next day at the park, Fluttershy and her friend were waiting for her arrival for who knows how long, hindsight now telling her she should have set a time for them to come. She arrived in her usual, eccentric, over-the-top style, a carefully crafted exaggeration of her actual quirks meant to allow any slip of the tongue in regtards to love or sex appeal to be chalked up to eccentricity, and took one look at Fluttershy, before realizing that the designer had made the mistake of putting her in a too busy dress for her a second time. She said as much, and when the designer offered to put her in something else, she declined, electing to have her assistants put her in the simple clothes that would bring out her best side.
When, the designer, obviously confused about her intentions, asked about making her shine across Equestria, she pointed out that she meant for Fluttershy to be the shining star. Here she reminded herself that she had to be clearer about who she meant when talking about her next star.
After letting the two friends decide if Fluttershy would become a model (and learning Fluttershy's name. She wasn't much worried about the other pony's, though), she declared, “Flootershy! It is time to make... ze magicks! Oh, wunderbar! You are like a delicate flower. So much more alluring without all those sparkles und feathers.“
Soon, it was time for her first fashion show, and after Photo Finish assisted in getting Fluttershy ready, she asked how Fluttershy felt going in. When Fluttershy said she felt nervous, Photo Finish, wanting her to act just so, responded, “Nervous? Don't be ridiculous, you're only facing a large crowd of ponies who will be watching your every move and silently judging you.” Strike one, Photo Finish thought to herself, while internally cringing. Sure, it was extremely helpful in getting the right aura from Fluttershy, but, in hindsight, it was probably very detrimental to her long-term attitude in being a model.
Of course that first fashion show was a rousing success, and she booked dozens more as well as numerous photo shoots and appearances at various high end venues. In fact she had booked Fluttershy for far more events than she had booked for any other model she had ever worked with in the same period. Those fashion shows, photo shoots, and big name events had blurred together in her mind, but, in hindsight, something stood out. Something that made her internally cringe again.
Numerous times she would go to Ponyville to drag Fluttershy off to another photo shoot or fashion show, often interrupting a conversation with a friend. Also often, during an interview, or at a big-name event, Fluttershy would try to get her attention to tell her something, and, in at least one case, she seemed to be trying to get off so she could see her friend. However, each time she ignored it, being more focused on managing her presence in the spotlight to notice, unless she was reminded of another event. She realized now that, by doing this, she was probably destroying Fluttershy's social life which would also be a severe detriment to her long term attitude, thinking strike two.
Now realizing that she was making Fluttershy do what she wanted her to be miserable doing just to get the right stage presence, and that she had been destroying her personal life, Photo Finish dreaded thinking further about Fluttershy's career, but she realized that needed to find the straw that broke the camel's back. Fortunately, there wasn't much more to look at. Unfortunately, of what little was left to think about, there was nothing that told her what drove her over the edge.
Ultimately, she started to wonder if Fluttershy had done those things onstage to get herself fired, only to watch as it backfired horribly, prompting her to just quit. After thinking about that, she realized only one pony knew the answer to that and she had probably utterly alienated her.
Coming out of her thoughts, she declared “I, Photo Finish, know why Flootershy quit.”
Her assistant, Roxie, asked, “Why?”
She explained her realizations to her three assistants, in her usual, declarative manner, and said, “When I get the chance, I must speak with her about this!”
“Of course. Do you want me to arrange a meeting with her?”
“No! I will go down to Ponyville next week and speak with her there myself,” Photo Finish said.
“Okay, if you insist.”
The rest of the train ride to Manehatten was made in silence, with Photo Finish comparing Fluttershy's career with the career paths of the other models she had taken under her wing, only now realizing that, while she did spend a lot of time with the other models at photo shoots, fashions shows, and high-end events, none had ever had ever been booked for nearly as many events in a short period of time Fluttershy. She couldn't explain why, but she wanted it that way.
By the way, since I'm the first one to write a story about this ship, does that mean I get to name it?
If so, then it shall forevermore be called "Photo Shy"
Edit: Also, I waited forever to publish this because I didn't want to be drowned out by whole Twilight x Peach insanity that briefly overran the new stories list.
I dun'no about the shipping, but I do like "episode followup fics", so... I'll see.
All I can say is..........WHY THE HELL DIDNT I THINK OF THIS?!?!?!
PhotoShy.... yup! Seems to work.
And I agree with the accents, but Flootershy is always fun to read too.
I want to like this, because I like the idea a lot. But I just can't say that this is a very good start for it.
The thought process presented here just doesn't sound like the kinds of thoughts that would run through the head of a character like Photo Finish. She doesn't have much screen time to establish her character in the show, but what is there points to her being a pretty wacky, out-there character. None of the lines in this that weren't borrowed from the show sounded like they came from that character at all.
Opening the story with a re-telling/summary of Green Isn't Your Color is a poor choice for beginnings. Your first chapter is your best chance at drawing in new readers; nobody starts in on the second chapter, so if the first chapter doesn't grab attention, it won't matter how good any of the other chapters are, you've lost them. Re-hashing stuff that we all have seen already is not the best way to do that. If you were confident in your ability to make the content new and interesting by telling it from Photo Finish's perspective, then yes, you could start that way, but as you point out in your Author's Note, it's just there to establish a plot point. Exposition is important, sure, but if you can't give it style, then avoid getting into it for at least the first five hundred words.
If it were me, I think I wouldn't have Photo realize she had wronged Fluttershy in any way, at least not in the first chapter. Rather than being introspective and contemplative, Photo would feel indignant and betrayed--emotions that encourage more of the bizarre antics we've seen from her in the show, rather than less. The story could then be driven by Photo Finish's attempts to hound Fluttershy back into modeling, and only slowly realizing--perhaps too late--what drove Fluttershy away in the first place, and also what Photo really wants from her.
There is some serious potential here and I'd like to see what you do with it
Hmmm... Into the read later you go...
Aside from what Else has said already I think this fics' potential is well past golden.
Your syntax and word choice, though not very diverse, provides enough difference from clause-to-clause as to prevent readers from getting mentally fatigued in the middle of you'r passage. The variation of paragraph lengths have a lot to do with this point. As one who is used to literally bogging through endless streams of bland, uniform, buzz-killing paragraphs, I thank you!
If I had to point out one thing (and believe me, it is a very arduous task trying to find the slightest blemish in a fic of this caliber) It would have to be your excessive use of the word had.
It may just be a personal pet peeve that I have had for a long time. I mean, there is an amount of hads that had got to be permitted in a given passage. However, when the density of hads had gotten out of control many readers will have had it!
Now, you don't come near to how bad the above sounds, but nonetheless, you do have enough hads to give at least me, a moments pause in reading. This if it truly is an issue, is an isolated (or very well hidden) one, found only in paragraph ten. The same word used constantly in an entire passage, but found few and far in between won't ruin the flow of your story. On the other hand, (discounting in most cases: said, a characters name, or sometimes the, to, and other horrendously common words.) placing the same word too close to a previous instance of itself which is in turn, close to another one may be annoying to some readers. It isn't so much of a problem yet, but I would stay diligent to make sure nothing of a greater magnitude slips through the cracks.
That being said, you really do have something going for you here, keep it up!
I will be
stallkingfollowing as you craft this gem of a work.Everybody beat me to what i wanted to say. Episode re-telling wasn't a huge hook, but nonetheless I'm interested in the ship to favorite it.
Also,
Manehattan*
It looks like Photo Finish is having some thoughts about why did Fluttershy quit on her and over and over again she started to realize she's feeling guilty about Fluttershy to doing all the stuff that she didn't want to do and it usually happens when it comes to fame and fortune so it looks like she decided to go back to the Ponyville to talk with her