Fallen

by Shadow Soul

Chapter 1

Colors tumbled everywhere as Chrysalis was flung far from the castle. Screams flew from the horde of changelings as they spun, and each cut Chrysalis' heart to the core. The flight seemed endless and agonizing, the force of the blast digging deep into her carapace, cracking it in spots; which sent burning spikes of pain into her thin frame. Soon she felt her flight slow, then realized she was falling. She could do nothing as the tree-covered ground rushed to meet her.

All was black. Echoed screams emanated from the darkness. She could not see, could not feel her surroundings, could not sense her changelings. Then all was silent.

Chrysalis tried to open her eyes, but could only manage to pry them halfway. Paralyzed and dazed, she listened to the sound of rain pounding against the ground and her unfeeling body. Leaves rustled in the wind. Nothing was visible in the darkness. Exhausted, she fought to keep her eyes open, but was forced to succumb to the blackness. As her eyes slid shut, she thought she spied a small light coming closer before all turned black-until dreams came.
A picturesque field, mountains behind. Creatures of all types. Playing, laughing, loving. They turn. Colors stream away. Hatred and confusion. War. Then nothing. A dead plain. Overwhelming sorrow midst the dead. Tears.
"HEY! Wake up! Everything's all right! Come on!" The voice, young but masculine, continued until Chrysalis opened her eyes to see a beige earth pony staring at her. She blinked away tears as the pony continued, "Finally, you wake up! You were having a nightmare, I think. You wouldn't stop crying." Chrysalis rolled over, then instantly regretted it as pain flooded her stiff joints and numerous injuries. The overly excited pony spewed a continuous stream of words, mostly telling her to lie back down. She made her reply obvious by standing up despite her body's protests, letting the blanket covering her fall to the ground.

"Seriously, you are going to hurt yourself even more! Aw, buck it. I'll make us some lunch I suppose." The strange pony rambled on under his breath as he exited the tent. Chrysalis took the opportunity to gauge her surroundings. She was standing in a canvas tent set up over some kind of mat. The blanket, a simple patchwork affair of different bland materials, was lying on the ground next to a couple worn leather saddlebags. She looked herself over, noting the plethora of makeshift bandages covering cuts all over her body, kept in place by some type of adhesive. Her joints were still stiff, so she stretched each leg-much to each leg's displeasure. When she went to stretch her neck, however, she accidentally poked a hole in the tent with her horn. Gritting her teeth, she ducked her head down and tried to summon her magic to fix the hole. Her attempt was met with a spark and a headache. She grabbed her forehead with a hoof and rubbed slowly until the pain ebbed. Apparently, the magical blast didn't just hurt her physically. She finally took a deep breath and stepped outside the tent.

The little woodland campsite was quaint, containing only a single tent, a small fire, and a dried log upon which sat the pony who woke her up. He was stirring a pot sitting next to the fire in the hot coals. She cleared her throat and the pony looked up at her, shaking his long, dark brown mane out of his eyes. "Good morning sir," she tried to say, but her voice was very raspy. "Good afternoon, you mean! Sounds like you need something to drink. Canteen's next to the log, and there's a river nearby to refill it. I'm making some soup too. You are probably starving after being out cold so long. It's been two days, ya know. What happened to you anyway? I saw something fall out of the sky as I was running back to camp, and when I ran over to investigate, I found you all beaten up, unconscious, half buried in mud! I took ya back to my camp, which wasn't easy, then I got ya washed up a bit and bandaged all those wounds. You've been out cold ever since. So what happened? I don't think I gave you a chance to answer, I apologize. I ramble a bit since I don't have company that often."

Chrysalis picked up the canteen and took a long swig before clearing her throat again and answering, "I don't want to talk about it. Who are you anyway? And why would you even help me?" The earth pony facehoofed. "I'm a doofus! Name's Wanderlust. I'm an explorer. I go to unexplored areas and try to draw some basic maps, document local flora and fauna, search old ruins, that kind of thing. Explains the whole 'no visitors' thing, eh? Anyway, why wouldn't I help you? You might look a bit different- I've never seen a pony like you- but you needed help. I don't see why that's such a big deal. Besides, I love new things and new people! What's your name?" "Chrysalis." She went to sit on the ground across from Wanderlust, but he protested. "Hey, you shouldn't sit on the ground! You will get dirt in your bandages! Come sit on the log with me."

Chrysalis was dumbfounded. Here was a pony that didn't even know what she was, didn't seem to care, and was completely unafraid despite being almost half her size. It was completely alien to her. To her changelings, she was a queen; to the inhabitants of many lands, she was the evil invader. Myths portrayed her as a monster-and chances are, they were right. Her nightmare came back to haunt her. How many lands were destroyed because of the changelings' fight for survival?

"Hey, you OK there? Soup's ready, you should come sit down over here..." Wanderlust trailed off as he stared at her with his aqua eyes. Chrysalis sat down on the log as far from him as she could. He picked up the pot and poured some into a cup, then offered it to Chrysalis. She accepted the cup, but wasn't sure what to do with it. She couldn't eat it- her digestive system only worked on love energy and water as far as she knew. Tentatively she took a sip. It was hot, and tasted like the love a gardener has for his or her garden, a farmer to the field, or the love emanating from harvest festivals. It wasn't a bad taste at all. In fact, it warmed her insides and she could feel traces of love energy digesting.

"Sorry it's so bland. I don't have much in the way of herbs of spices, so it's little more than hay-berry soup."

"It's not bad... not bad at all." Chrysalis replied, looking at the dark amber mixture with a contemplative frown. Who knew what it would do to her system! At least it had some love energy in it. She looked up to the pony a few feet down the log as he threw back a couple hearty gulps of soup. "Did you..." Chrysalis started. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Did you see anypony like me out in the woods? Or is it... just me?" She opened her eyes, and stared into the fire.

"No. I didn't." A tear formed in the corner of Chrysalis' eye, a completely foreign sensation. "But we could go look for them if you wanted. I'm assuming they are important to you."

"Yes. Yes they are..." was her quiet response.

Author's Note:

It's about time I got this uploaded here, now that my semester is over and I plan on getting more written.
This was my first piece of fandom writing and the first thing I have written in years. Please bash the rust out of me; I could really use some constructive criticism. Also, if you find any errors, inconsistencies, or awkward diction please tell me.

Comments

[DarkAura89]

+++ spacing: but an empty line between paragraphs. It makes it easier for the reader to follow. +++

+agonizing, the force - the , should be a ;
+spots; which sent - ; should be a ,

+++ Rule for ; - they're like a . If you wouldn't put a . there, don't put a ; +++

What I say next is one of those rare instances where you get to break the rules of conventional literature:

She could not see, could not feel her surroundings, could not sense her changelings.

You have a structure here where you can benefit from emphasizing repetition through parallel structure.

She could not see, she could not feel her surroundings, she could not sense her changelings.

It's a bit of artistic detail, but keep in mind not to follow this structure all the time, only when the structure can benefit from it without seeming overly repetitive (usually 3-5 parallel structures max)

+was, didn't seem to care, - add an "or" before "didn't"

All in all, not bad. Biggest thing I can say is that before you publish, set your work aside for a day or two, then come back to it and look it over with a critical eye. Comma and semicolon usage is what trips most people up, so just try to remember the fact that a semicolon is sort of like a "soft period". It ends a complete thought/sentence, but doesn't require the capitalization of the first letter in the next one. Another way to end off a sentence for variety is a comma and coordinating conjunction. Mix it up to keep your writing interesting.

You've got the right idea with dialogue, which also frequently trips people up, so that's good. Just remember to double space between paragraphs and it should look a little nicer and be more readable.

Something else that even I tend to suffer from: lack of action. Yes, narrative is important as is dialogue, but so is descriptive writing. What are the characters doing when they're talking, what's the area they're in look like, what are they feeling. All of those things add to the narrative and enhance it. Adding them isn't easy unless you're naturally a descriptive writer, but based on the fact you seem more math/science oriented, I'm guessing that like me, you're more focused on the substance of the story and less on the frills. Take some time, flesh out the small details. It'll add length and enhance the reader's overall experience.

[Shadow Soul]

3610608
Thank you very much for your input! I'll be getting some of this fixed up soon. Those are some really good catches and great advice.

On the lack of action:
I think you hit the issue spot-on. I've noticed this, especially with my older stuff. I've gotten a bit better but I have a long way to go. I do focus much more on important stuff and details and less on what I view as extraneous information. It's also a bit hard for me when my descriptions tend to be rather clinical.

On setting it aside:
I try to do this, and this work in particular has actually been up on DA for quite some time. I haven't had time to upload it here properly. I noticed a few glaring issues when I looked it over and did some extra formatting when I went to submit it here, but I'm generally terrible at finding issues in my own work.

Thank you very much for doing this, I really appreciate it!