Fuckin' Equestria, Man
Canterlot, generally speaking, is pretty big.
It’s the kind of place that you can go to to find some form of everything that you might need. Looking for diners? They got it. Need a repair man? That’s in the southern part of the city. Want to go to a club? I can recommend a better one, but there are a few in town.
The capital of Equestria is a place for all to come and feel welcome at. Everyone will find something for their desires, you just need to explore the vast city enough to know where to find it.
That said, I was honestly shocked to find one of the two people I was looking for in the first ten minutes of my search.
Deep Breathe was in the marketplace, talking to one of the vendors that was selling fruit.
I walked up behind him, stood a respectful distance away, and waited for him to turn around.
He did, eventually, and nearly jumped out of his fur when he saw me standing there.
“Hey, Deep.” I said to the kid. “How ya doin’?”
He had his hoof to his heart, as though he was trying to calm it. “Jeez, Connor.” He said after a second’s pause. “Don’t sneak up on me like that.”
I smiled at him. “C’mon, kid. You made to good a target for me to just pass up.” I gave a fake disapproving look. “Honestly, you really shouldn’t leave openings like that. They’re bound to get exploited. I would know.”
He rolled his eyes. “Ok, mom.” He reached behind him, and grabbed an apple from the basket on his back. He took a bite out of it, and asked, “So, watcha doin’ here?”
We started walking in a seemingly random direction. “I got invited to the royal wedding that’s happening in a few days. I was in the neighborhood, and thought that I would say hi. Y’know, see what’s up.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I heard about that wedding. I hear that the captain of the Royal Guard and a princess are getting married. Though, I don’t know what the shield around the city is for.”
“There was a threat made against Canterlot, though no one I talked to seems to know who made it.” I stopped, and furrowed my eyebrows. “In fact, I’m kind of curious about how they knew about the threat, if they didn’t know who made it. For all they know, it could be a prank that someone made, just to cause a little havoc.”
Deep stopped too, though he didn’t seems as curious as me. “Meh. I’m sure that the Guard have it under control. Equestria isn’t the strongest nation on the planet for nothing, you know.”
I looked at him. “Yeah, but that doesn’t say much. Do you know just how often the entire nation was almost destroyed, just by single individuals? Equestria might be the strongest nation, but all that means is that the others are too busy worrying about all the problems they have. I mean, how often does Equestria get involved in international affairs? When was the last time that Celestia sent the Elements of Harmony to take care of a problem outside Equestrian borders?”
Deep thought about it for a moment. Then, he asked, “What’s your point?”
“My point,” I said, starting back up the walk, “is that Equestrian strength comes from sheer luck. The Elements of Harmony just so happen to reside in this nation. But what if they were somewhere else? Celestia is powerful, sure, but she can’t stop everything. The Elements, however, were literally designed to fight off things that would harm others. Without them here, Equestria would be just as vulnerable as any other nation on the planet. More so, even, given that you ponies are prey animals.”
Deep looked a little disturbed at that thought. After a second he said, “So, what you’re saying, is that Equestria is only as powerful as it is, because we have the Elements of Harmony, and are able to fight off any kind of invading force a lot more easily because of them.”
I nodded. “Take the nation that I came from, The United States of America. We are a nation that is barely 220 years old, but in that time, we had gone from a collection of rebels and colonists, all the way to the world’s largest superpower. We did it through blood, sweat, and tears, but eventually we got there. We didn’t have the Elements of Harmony, and any kind of threat that we faced was met with the force of a dedicated and independent people. It cost us millions of lives, but we got to the same kind of power that Equestria has. I’m not saying that Equestria is weak. What I’m saying is that you rely on your higher powers far more than is practical. If you, as a whole people, got together to face a problem, then not only would you defeat it, but you might also prevent it from happening again in the first place.”
“So, we should get rid of the Elements, because they hold us back?” He asked, dubiously.
I sighed, and said, “No. You just shouldn’t put all your hopes of survival in a single plan. The Elements of Harmony are all well and good, but what if they disappear? What if Celestia were to be defeated in battle, and the Elements captured? Those are your two main modes of defence, and that means that if someone effectively got the drop on you, them you’d be screwed. All I’m getting at is that you shouldn’t rely on just one plan. Set up multiple plans, so that no matter what happens, you have a means of victory.”
Deep thought about that. Finally, he said, “Y’know, that makes sense.” He gave me a skeptical look. “Are you sure that you’re the embodiment of chaos? Because that made way too much sense.”
I chuckled. “I’m sure. You ponies just don’t use common sense all that much.”
He snorted. “Ok, enough of this depressing conversation. Anything else new?”
“Yeah, actually.” I said, thinking. I looked at him. “Do you happen to know any msuicians in town?”
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Later that night, I sat with the whole gang at a late night diner, drinking milkshakes. Mine was vanilla with a lemon twist.
Twilight Sparkle came back with hers, sat down, and started to talk. “Bet I can guess what you're all thinking. Cadance is the absolute worst bride-to-be ever.”
We all looked at her, and Spike, imitating a woman’s voice, said, “Who me?” He was holding that little doll thing that goes on the cake to represent the bride.
Applejack scowled at him. “Spike! That goes on the cake.”
Spike laughed nervously, and hid the doll behind his back.
Rarity continued the conversation at hand. “Twilight, whatever are you talking about? Cadance is an absolute gem!”
Twilight gave Rarity a stern look. “Rarity, she was so demanding!”
“Well, of course she is! Why shouldn't she expect the very best on her wedding day?” S’mores promptly responded.
Twilight turned to AJ. “Applejack, did you know that after she told you how much she just 'love-love-loved' your hors d'eouvres, she threw them in the trash?”
AJ dismissed that with a wave of her hoof. “Aw, she was probably just trying to spare my feelin's.” Sounded like wishful thinking on her part, to me.
Twilight scowled. “No, she was just being fake and totally insincere!”
Fluttershy whispered her two cents. “She did raise her voice at one of my birds during rehearsal.”
Twilight pointed a hoof at the butter pony. “See? Rude!”
“But he was singing really off-key.” Fluttershy added as an after thought.
A small bird came fluttering down, and perched itself on Fluttershy’s head. It opened its beak, and made one of the most awful noises that I had ever heard.
“Gah!” I shouted. “Buzz off, bird brain!”
The bird gave me an irritated look, chirped at me, and flew away.
“Your singing is bad, and you should feel bad!” I shouted after the bird.
My friends all stared at me like I had grown a second head.
“What?” I asked.
They just went back with their conversation.
“Nevermind.” Twilight said. She looked at Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow, you're with me, right?”
Dash was examining her wings as she stretched them. “Sorry, Twi.” She said. “Been too busy prepping for my sonic rainboom to pay much attention to the bride's bad attitude.”
Twilight started to growl in irritation. She looked at me. “Connor?”
I shrugged. “I’ll be honest, Twi. I don’t really care if the bride is kinda a bitch. I’ve been too busy hanging out with a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a while. Honestly, don’t you think you’re over reacting? Again?”
Twilight’s growl increased in volume.
Rarity tried to placate her. “The princess is about to get married. I'm sure any negative behavior she might be displaying is simply the result of nerves.”
Twilight slammed her drink onto the table. “And I'm sure it's the result of being an awful pony who doesn't deserve to even know Shining Armor, let alone marry him!”
AJ intervened. “Think maybe you're bein' just a tiny bit possessive of your brother?”
The rest of the group stated their agreement.
“I am not being possessive!” Twilight insisted.
She sounded like she was going to say something else, but I interrupted her.
“Then what are you being? Because it sure seems like possessiveness to me.”
Twilight scowled at me. “I’m trying to look out for my big brother!”
I quirked an eyebrow. “You mean the big brother that you haven’t seen in two years? The one who has surely been subject to many unpleasant things during his time as a guard? People change, Twilight. You might think you are looking out for your brother, but can you honestly say that he is the same person now that he was back then?”
She looked like she wanted to say something back at me, but she paused and thought about it.
“You might think you are looking out for him, but who’s to say that his priorities are the same as they had been? Not to mention the fact that you seemed to idolize Cadence just a day ago. You haven’t seen her in years, true, and she wasn’t what you would call pleasant when we first met up with her, but who’s to say that it isn’t just nerves? You’re incredibly smart, Twilight, but you don’t know everything, and assuming you know best for the people around you, especially when you don’t know the whole story, is just arrogant.”
Twilight looked thoughtful for a second. Then she let out an irritated breath, and stormed off.
I sat back in my seat and sipped at my milkshake.
I noticed all the eyes on me, and I looked around. The entire gang was staring at me. Again.
“What?” I asked.
Rarity shook her head. “Are you positive that you are the embodiment of chaos, darling? Because, and don’t take this the wrong way, that made too much sense.”
“I’ve been getting that a lot, lately. And I always have the same answer.”
Rarity tilted her head. “What is that?”
I smiled faintly. “Ponies just don’t have common sense.”
AJ snorted. “Well, whatever the case is, I think you got through to Twi. She had that look on her face that she gets when she needs to really think about something.”
I shrugged. “What can I say, I live to make change.”
I got up from my seat. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go prepare.”
Rainbow looked up at me. “Prepare for what?”
I smiled at her. “I got a little surprise for the happy couple.”
I walked off into the night, going to prepare for the big (or small, depending on how you look at it) surprise that I had planed.
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The next day, we were all asked to go to the wedding ceremony practice. Before we started, however, I ran into a familiar looking guard.
“Signal Flare!” I said, fondly. “Gosh, it’s been a while, huh?”
The guard in question just rolled her eyes and said nothing.
I kept talking. “So, how have you been? I haven’t seen you since the whole Tag Games. Things been good for you?”
She still said nothing.
“Things have been going great for me!” I said, cheerfully. “I get to hang out with my friends every day. I run parties at a club at night. I was even asked to make sure that everyone was, uh, entertained, here at the wedding!”
That got her attention. “What?”
I nodded. “Yup. Celestia asked me to make sure that this wedding isn’t forgotten for a long time! With what I have planned, people will definitely remember it.”
She gave me a less than welcoming look. “What do you plan on doing, ape? Because if you plan on ruining the wedding, so help me, I will-”
I interrupted her. “Oh, don’t worry. I don’t have anything malicious planned out. I just need you to help me out, and find out where the reception is going to be, who will be playin’ at it, and when they’ll be playing.”
She continued to glare at me. “And why would I help you with that?”
I beamed at her. “Because, as of now, you are under my jurisdiction!”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I told Celestia just what I was actually in Equestria for, and told her that I would need help. I also told her of this one guard who was poor at making friends, and needed to learn the magic of friendship. She wholeheartedly agreed with me that said guard would be perfect for the position of my minion! So, she has changed said guards job description, and said guard is now paid to help me!”
Flare stood there for a second, shocked.
Now, that wasn’t the complete truth. Celestia did agree with me that Flare needed to learn the ‘magic of friendship’, and that Ponyville would be the best place for her to. But she didn’t change Flare’s actual job. She just changed where she would be doing it. Ponyville, being so close to the Everfree forest, was in dire need of a guard presence. So, Celestia changed Flare’s post to being the guard of Ponyville, instead of some faceless guard in the castle.
Why did I lie to Flare, and make her think that she was now my minion?
I thought it would be funny. And, oh look! It was!
“So, as my first command, I request that you attain the information of the bands that are scheduled to play at the reception.”
Flare just stood there, still in shock.
I shrugged. “Welp, when you get out of your shock, be sure to do that for me.”
I then walked down the hall, and headed toward the ceremony practice.
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The ceremony practice went well, until Twilight decided that Cadence was evil, and thought that everyone should agree with her.
That was the day before, and everyone was a little tense about what had happened.
For Cadence and Shining Armour (finally learned his name), they were upset that Twilight had claimed the bride to be evil, and were still peeved about it.
The EoH were upset that their friend had said what she said, but were also concerned. Twilight hadn’t been seen since the incident. They might not have like what she had said, but they were still friends.
Celestia was extremely disappointed that Twilight had said it to begin with. I doubt that this would affect their teacher-student relationship, but I imagine that Celestia would have a few choice words for the purple pony.
For me, I was still caught on what Twilight had said.
According to Twilight, Cadence had performed a form of magic on Shining Armour that had caused his eyes to run loose in their sockets. By the way she described it, it sounded like she thought it was mental magic.
I wasn’t really sure what to think about that. If Shining really was under mental compulsion, then he would have never told use. In fact, when questioned about it, he said that the magic was a form of healing magic, to cure the migraines that he was getting.
That’s a perfectly reasonable and logical explanation, but here’s what worries me.
If Shining were under a mental compulsion, he would have been forced to say things like that.
The way Twilight had described the events, it seemed to me that, assuming he was under mental magic, his subconscious was making an attempt at breaking free of the magic that held him. Assuming that he was being mind controlled, that would explain the migraines he was getting.
But that’s a really big assumption. It is entirely possible that none of that is happening, and that the migraines Shining talked about really are from holding up the shield over the city. Frankly, there wasn’t enough info to really know, and the only two that would know would instantly say that there was no mental magics going on.
I shook my head, and continued walking down a hall, toward the throne room.
There were too many unknowns in the whole ‘mental magic’ thought line, and I had other things to worry about. Like what Celestia wanted from me.
Earlier that day, Celestia had sent a guard to deliver a summons, saying that she wanted to see me in the throne room as soon as possible. I think the ASAP part was just a nicety. I’m pretty sure that she wanted me there now.
I made my way to the throne room, and, just like every time I entered before, I blew the doors off their hinges. You should try it some time. It’s fun.
The doors, like they always did, flew off to the side, and I strutted in like I owned the place.
Celestia, from her throne, sighed.
“Are you always going to do that?” She asked, though it sounded like she already knew the answer.
I smiled at her. “I’ll stop only when it stops being fun.”
She sighed again, and put a hoof on the top of her muzzle. I think she was trying to pinch the bridge of her nose, but she didn’t have hands. Or a nose, for that matter, just nasal holes at the end of her snout.
“So,” I said, breaking her out of her self-pitying state. “Whatcha need?”
She regained her composure, though it still looked like something bothered her.
“I need you to deliver this this envelope to Princess Cadence, as soon as possible.”
She levitated an envelope over to me, and I grabbed it.
I gave the princess a skeptical look. “You call me down here to make me play mail man for you?”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.” She said, and it looked like she was trying to hide a smile.
I motioned for her to continue.
“A certain guard came to me yesterday, and was begging me not to, and I quote,’send me away with that ape’.” She quirked an eyebrow at me. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”
“Why, Celestia, I have no idea what you are talking about.” I said, giving her an innocent smile.
She gave me a doubtful look. “Sure… When I asked what she meant, she started to bumble something about her being your ‘minion’.” Celestia sighed. “Why did you do that to her?” She asked that in a tired kind of voice, but I could clearly see the smile she was trying to hide.
I smiled at her. “Well, I mostly did it because I thought it would be fun. But I also did it to actually tell her that she was being repositioned. If I had told her the entire truth, she would probably be jumping for joy. She did get promoted to regional commander, after all.”
“And you left out that detail because…?”
I shrugged. “Because I thought that it would be funny. Really that’s my only motive for doing it at all. I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t see an opportunity to mess with her.”
Celestia shook her head, giving a small smile.
“Well, be sure to make sure that the joke is a little less traumatic for your next victim. Flare had nearly been in tears.”
I blinked at that. I hadn’t realised that Flare had nearly cried because of it. Making a joke is one thing. Forcing someone to tears for your amusement is something else entirely.
“Oh, shit. Looks like I have someone to apologise to.”
Celestia nodded. “Indeed you do. But for now, could you deliver that envelope for me?”
I nodded, and waved goodbye to her.
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The walk to Cadence’s room wasn’t a terribly long one, but it did involve a lot of stairs.
Cadence, apparently, likes living in big ass towers, because that’s where I found her. In a big ass tower.
I made it to the final step, panting.
“If I never see another step,” I panted,”it’ll be too soon.”
I tried to shake off my fatigue and reach for the door, but damn, that was a lot of stairs. You’d think, being the parkour and freerunning expert that I am, I’d be a lot better at shaking off this kind of weariness, but I couldn’t for some reason. It just stuck to me, and I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. It was damn odd.
Anyway, I made my way to the door, and entered without knocking.
“-ow is that I have fooled them all!”
That’s what I walked in on. Cadence spinning around her room, singing to herself about how she fooled everyone.
I froze, trying not to attract attention to myself. I would have slowly walked back and closed the door, but that would alert her to my presence. So, I stood there, as still as I could manage.
“I could care less about the dress
I won’t partake in any cake
Vows, well I’ll be lying when I say
That through any kind of weather
I want us to be together
The truth is I don’t care for him at all!
No I do not love the groom
In my heart there is no room
But I still want him to be all mine!”
Yeah, this bitch is evil. Twilight nailed that on the head.
When she finished that verse, she was looking in a mirror. And in that mirror was a reflection of her. And me.
She froze when she realised that she wasn’t alone in the room, her face the perfect picture of shock.
I gulped, and broke the silence. “You, uh. You’re not Cadence, are you?”
That seemed to break her out of her stupor.
She whirled toward me, and flung a green ray of magic at me.
I tried to dodge it, but I didn’t react fast enough.
I was soon surrounded by a green ring of fire, where a dome of magic slowly spread from the ring, and encompassed my entire being. I had no means of escape.
I started to sink into the ground, and as I did, I caught a glimpse of Cadence.
All I saw before I was sucked into the ground was a flash of green eyes.
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I fell.
That was the simplest way of putting it. I fell.
When I got sucked into the ground, I started to feel as though I was falling. The feeling that most humans get when they realise that there is no more ground underneath them. First a feeling of intense vertigo, then a moment of shocking realisation. And then, if you don’t have a parachute, the feeling of unstoppable fear that makes you realise that ‘oh shit, the ground is getting closer’.
That’s what happened to me. Except that I did it in the complete dark.
After a couple of seconds falling, I hit a barrier of what felt like water.
I passed through it, and then there was enough light around me to show me that I hadn’t pass through water. I went through crystal.
That light also showed me something that I wouldn’t have mind not seeing. The ground.
The ground was getting ever closer, and I could count how long I had to live by the seconds. Frankly, it was one of the most terrifying experiences that I had ever had. To be able to count how long that you have to live. It’s a scary thing. It’s the kind of feeling that criminals on death row must have. Except that their wait is a lot longer than mine.
The ground was approaching, faster and faster. I was just about to hit, when I heard, “-nd a way to save the day”
Singing. The last thing I was going to hear before I died, was a pony singing. Fuckin’ Equestria, man.
Finally, though, gravity completed its job, and I hit.
That being said, I didn’t hit the ground.
I hit a certain purple pony.
Twilight didn’t look so good. She looked haggard, tired, and hungry. But she wasn’t the most interesting person down there.
Cadence looked terrible. She looked like everything Twilight did, and more. She was a tired, beaten, hungry mess. Her hair was sticking out every which way, and she had scrapes and bruises all over her body. If Twilight looked like shit, then Cadence looked like Hell.
As I made these observations, I realised that I was still sitting on top of Twilight. I looked down to see Twilight coughing, and glaring up at me.
“Could you please get off me?” She asked in a strained voice.
I blinked. Then I said, “Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry about that.”
I got off her, and helped her up.
She got up, and dusted herself off. “It’s not like you meant to do it, right?”
I nodded my agreement. I turned to the pink pony in the room, and said,”So, I take it that you’re the real Cadence?”
She looked a little surprised, though not shocked.
“Yes.” She said. “How did you guess?”
I shrugged. “I was just with the imposter. Caught her singing about how she fooled everyone. It wasn’t that bad a song, actually.”
Cadence looked more surprised. “She was singing?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Pretty catchy tune.” I looked at her. “Why?”
“Because so were we.” Twilight said. “We, well Cadence really, were singing about how we needed to get out of here. Until you interrupted us, that is.”
I snorted. “Pff, yeah. That makes sense.”
I decided that now would be as good a time as any to find out where we were. I looked around to see that we were in a cavern of some kind. The walls and ceiling were made out of some kind of crystalline material. The crystals themselves all had a very faint glow to them, ensuring that the area had some kind of light, if not very much of it.
“So, where are we?” I asked.
Twilight answered. “We’re in the crystal caverns underneath Canterlot. These were mines that ponies of old used to dig out crystals infused with magic so they had some sort of power source. Eventually, though, they invented the magic recycler, and the mines became obsolete. They closed them down, and haven’t been used in about 150 years.”
“Huh.” Pretty interesting stuff, but that begs the question…
“How do we get out of here?”
Twilight shook her head. “We just walk and hope we find the exit soon.”
I quirked an eyebrow. “Can’t we just teleport out?”
Twilight shook her head. “The stored magic in the crystals block any attempts to teleport out that I’ve tried. We’re stuck here until we find a way out.”
Cadence got a little teary eyed at the ‘we’re stuck here’ part.
Twilight didn’t seem to notice, but I did. And it pissed me off.
This was suppose to be Cadence’s big day. Her perfect day. The day she would remember and cherish for the rest of her life. And some fucking bitch came in and ruined it for her. Said bitch kidnapped Cadence, threw her into an abandoned mine, took her place in the wedding, and placed her husband into a psychic head lock. That bitch wasn’t going to get away with this. Not if I had a say in it.
But we were stuck down here. We had to find a mineshaft out, and that might take hours. The wedding will be over and done with by then. Teleportation is out of the question, because the magic in the crystals blocked the outward magic of a teleport spell from getting to it’s destination.
The only way that we would get there quickly enough is if the wedding came to us.
Wedding came to us…
As the Guardian of Equestria, I have extraordinary powers. Magical capabilities that Celestia herself wouldn’t be able to compete with. I can’t use a lot of them because I haven’t had my power long enough for it to grow into me. I haven’t settled into my power just yet.
But what I could do, was some pretty impressive shit.
I had talked to Isaac a lot over the time I had been in Equestria, and he had given me a lot of information. Some of that info was how the universe of Equestria worked, like time, the physics, things like that.
But a subject that had really gotten my interest was dimensional manipulation.
As a Guardian, I had some sick powers. And dimensional manipulation was one of them.
Cadence and Twilight had gone off and continued their song. I had stayed back a couple feet, trying to figure out just how I was going to do this.
Dimensional manipulation is a tricky subject. It is the act of moving from one point in a dimension to another, by sheer force of Will. You move to a different point because your will says that it should be. That it not only can happen, but that it should, and that it is a normal thing, something completely ordinary.
Using sheer force of Will is a very tricky thing to do. it is also a very powerful thing to do. One of the most well known instances of dimensional manipulation by force of will is attached to the say ‘Let there be light’. He willed it to happen, and so it did.
My Will is no where near that level, but it is very powerful. Much more powerful than it was back on Earth. Back on Earth, I was just your average high school teenager. I wasn’t anything to take note of, in the grand scheme of things. But back then, I was also a mortal.
Now, I was a being of power. A being designed to fend of the worst abominations that non-existence has ever created. And my Will was much stronger now than it had ever been. And it was only going to get stronger.
I was following Twilight and Cadence, but then I stopped and closed my eyes.
I must have stood there for a long time, because Twilight walked up to me, and asked, “Connor, are you ok?”
I would have answered her, but I was too busy trying to manipulate the fabric of reality. I was calling forth my Will, and preparing it in one of the most taxing spells I had ever cast at the time.
My Will was ready, and I brought it forth. I lifted my hand, and snapped my fingers.
The tone my fingers made was piercing, clear, and louder than a gunshot. It was the kind of sound that you feel more than hear, but it hit such a perfect note that I couldn’t possibly have come from a human hand.
A shock wave could be seen, and a bright flash of light blinded all of us.
When I could see again, I found that we were in a hallway in the castle.
I also found that I was tired as fuck. I mean, shit, that took it out of me.
Twilight and Cadence were sprawled across the floor, their legs splayed in random directions.
Twilight was the first to recover. She got up, shook and rubbed her head, then looked over at me with unfocused eyes.
“Wh-What?” she stuttered. “How did you do that?”
I tried to shake off the weariness that I felt, but it stuck to me. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath, just like when I finished climbing the stairs, except much worse. I felt as though I would pass out.
It’s not that the fatigue wouldn’t go away, it’s just that it’s taking a Hell of a lot longer than it should. It’s something that I’ll have to look into later.
“Oh, you know.” I gasped in answer to Twilight’s question. “This, that, and the other thing.”
Twilight looked at me in shock, her eyes still unfocused.
I staggered over to Cadence, and tried to rouse her from her little nap.
“C’mon, Cadence, don’t want to be late for you wedding, do you?”
She started to get up, albeit a bit shakily.
“W-What happened?” she asked.
“I got us out.” I responded.
She shook her head and looked around. “What? How did we-” Her eyes went wide. “The wedding!” She shouted. “We need to go! Now!” With that, she sprinted off in the direction of the ceremony.
Twilight and I shared a look, and ran after her.
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Twilight and I caught up to Cadence easily enough. Or, rather, easily for Twilight. I was still shaking off the effort of manipulating reality. That can kinda take it out of a guy.
We reached the doors of the hall where the wedding was taking place. I was in the lead, but I couldn’t have made a flashy entrance if I tried. Too tired of it. I still tried though.
When I reached the door, I grabbed the handle, shouldered open the door, and shouted, “HOLD IT!”
Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and stared at us. Well, they stared at me. Twilight and Cadence were still in the hall.
Celestia, who was in between the marrying couple, blinked at me. “Oh, Connor. There you are. Where did you run off to?”
“I didn’t run off anywhere!” I pointed at the fake Cadence. “She teleported me out of her room, because…!”
I opened the other door, for Twilight to enter in.
She did, and pointed a hoof at the Fake Cadence, shouting, “She’s evil!”
Everyone gasped.
Fakence (yeah, not very good, but I’d like to see you do better) grumbled,”Why does she have to be so possessive of her brother?” Then she seemed to notice others were watching her, and she started to cry crocodile tears. “Why does she have to ruin my special day?”
The real Cadence entered behind Twilight. “Because it's not your special day! It's mine!”
Everyone gasped again, ever louder this time.
Fakence looked surprised. “What? But how did you escape my bridesmaids?”
I gave her a confused look. “What bridesmaids? We just teleported out.”
Her eyes got even wider. “What?! You aren’t supposed to be able to do that!”
I smiled at her. “Yeah, but I never really liked rules much.”
She sneered at me. “Clever. But you're still too late.”
Applejack looked confused. “I-I don't understand. How can there be two of 'em?”
Cadence stepped forward. “ She's a changeling. She takes the form of somepony you love and gains power by feeding off your love for them.”
Fakence took that as her cue to explode into a column of green flame. What was once pink fur was disintegrated away, leaving black chitten.
The fire died away, leaving the form of the changeling before us.
The changeling giggled. “Right you are, Princess. And as queen of the changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects. Equestria has more love than any place I've ever encountered. My fellow changelings will be able to devour so much of it that we will gain more power than we have ever dreamed of!”
“They'll never get the chance!” Cadence responded. “Shining Armor's protection spell will keep them from ever even reaching us!”
The changeling giggled again. “Oh, I doubt that. Isn't that right, dear?”
Shining Armour, who was staring off into the middle distance, nodded his head in agreement.
Cadence noticed that something was wrong with him, and tried to go over.
The changeling stopped her. “Ah, ah, ah. Don't want to go back to the caves, now do you? Ever since I took your place, I've been feeding off Shining Armor's love for you. Every moment he grows weaker and so does his spell. Even now, my minions are chipping away at it.”
I looked out a nearby window and saw that there was a cloud of black forms surrounding the shield. Shit, that’s a lot of minions.
“He may not be my husband, but he is under my total control now.” Is that what happens when you get married?
Everyone gasped when they saw the changelings around the shield, and when they heard that Shining was under her control.
The changeling continued. “And I'm sorry to say, unable to perform his duties as captain of the Royal Guard. Soon, my changeling army will break through. First, we take Canterlot. And then, all of Equestria!”
Celestia stepped up, looking serious and intimidating. “No. You won't. You may have made it impossible for Shining Armor to perform his spell, but now that you have so foolishly revealed your true self, I can protect my subjects from you!” And then, she shot a beam of magic at the changeling.
The changeling was taken by surprise, and just barely got a beam of magic of her own to counteract Celestia’s. She grunted with effort, and suddenly, the Changeling’s beam shit forward, hitting Celestia and causing an explosion.
As the smoke of the explosion cleared, everyone could see Celestia’s form sliding across the floor.
Twilight shouted, “Princess Celestia!” and ran over to her.
The changeling looked just as shocked as everyone else, but only for a minute. Then the shock dissolved into a look of smug victory, as she said,”Ah! Shining Armor's love for you is even stronger than I thought! Consuming it has made me even more powerful than Celestia!”
I saw Celestia whisper something to Twilight, but I couldn’t make it out.
Twilight ran back over to her friends, and said, “We need to get the Elements! Come on girls!” With that, they ran off to get the Elements.
The changeling chuckled. “You can run, but you can't hide!”
She started to make her way toward the girls, but I got in her way.
“Not so fast. You still got to deal with me.” I said to her.
She sneered at me. “Oh, and what could you possibly do to me, ape? Not even Celestia could harm me!”
I gave her a vicious smile. “Yeah, but I’m not Celestia.”
She scoffed. “If you truly want to make this foolish attempt, be my guest. You will be one of the many that will fall to me this day.”
My smile didn’t fade. “Before we start, may I get your name?”
I quirked an eyebrow at me. “Any why would I give you my name?”
My smile gave way to a heavy scowl. I growled, “So I know what to put on your tombstone.”
She blinked in surprise, then got a scowl of her own. “Foolish ape! Do you truly think that you are a match for me!? Queen Chrysalis?! Queen of the changelings and conqueror of Equestria!?”
My smile found it’s way back onto my face. “That last one is still up for debate.”
Chrysalis growled, and threw a bolt of magic at me.
I ran forward, and met the bolt with a magic shield of my own, blocking it.
I ran up to the queen, and reared my arm back, prepared to punch her in the face.
Her eyes went wide, and she tried to back away from me, but was blocked by the wall behind her.
My fist came down, and met her face. The impact caused the carapace on her face to chip, and it threw her to the side.
She rolled with the blow, and got back to her hooves. She bent her head down, and charged me, her horn prepared to impale me.
I sidestepped to the left, and bought my fist to the back of her skull.
She lost her balance, and fell on her face. She laid there, unmoving.
It was too easy. There was no way that she would go down in just two punches. I got some upper body strength, due to parkour and some blacksmithing skills that I had, but I wasn’t that strong. Either way, I had to make sure she stayed down for good.
So, I slowly walked up to her, my body tense, ready to jump out of the way at a moments notice.
When I got close to her, she whirled around, her horn glowing. I tried to jump out of the way, but she threw a lance of magical force at me, and it struck hard.
I was flung down the aisle, and landed hard. I tried to turn my stumble into a roll to my feet, but all I got was being able to get on one knee.
I was facing the opposite way of her, so I couldn’t see her when she started to gloat.
“Did you truly think that you could best me? A mear primitive ape, trying to duel the queen of the changelings? You lost this battle the moment you-” I lost focus on what she was saying.
‘Primitive ape’...?
Does she know just who, better yet, WHAT she just said that to? Does she understand that she just made one of the greatest insults that I can really think off, in terms of a species insult?
Humans are a great many things, but if there is one thing we are not, it’s primitive.
And I think it’s time Chrysalis got an object lesson in this.
Her rant was interrupted when I spun around and shot her with the minigun I had spawned.
Yeah, a minigun.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. ‘A MINIGUN?! THAT’S THE KIND OF THING THAT KILLS PEOPLE! AND THAT’S ONE OF THE RULES! NO KILLING!’
Well, I got two words for that: practice rounds.
I shot Chrysalis with rubber practice round at a rate of 6,000 rounds per minute.
And practice rounds hurt.
Chrysalis was slowly pushed back, as each round struck her.
Wherever the rounds struck, you could see the cracks in her chitten. Some pieces flaked off, and flew in random directions. Her nose was bleeding, there were plenty of spots where massive bruises would form, and a few spots where a round grazed her, and caused her to bleed.
Chrysalis hit the back wall, but I didn’t let up. I kept pumping her with rounds, cackling like a mad man the entire time.
I finally clicked empty, and I threw the minigun to the side.
I made my way up to Chrysalis, as she slumped to the floor. I knelt down in front of her, and whispered, “I’m sorry, but did you say primitive?”
With that, I grabbed her horn, and slammed her he-
I paused.
Something was going on in my head. I lost my train of thought, and couldn’t seem to find it. I remembered that I had to do something important, but i couldn’t remember what it was. I’m pretty sure that it had something to do with the pony who’s horn I grabbed.
I looked at the horn in my hand. It was glowing a faint green glow.
Then it hit me. Chrysalis was in my head! She forced me to stop whatever it was I was doing!
I tried to let go of the horn, but that seemed like an impossible task. The fatigue that I had felt all day had come surging back. It seemed stronger, somehow. As though that contact with Chrysalis’ horn had amplified it.
Honestly, that doesn’t surprise me.
I would have done something about it, but the weariness that I felt was too great. My world started to go black.
The last thing I saw was a flash of green eyes…
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Waking up from what I had gone through was probably one of the most exhausting things I had ever done.
You know that feeling that you get when you wake up from a deep sleep, and just can’t seem to get your body parts to move? Yeah, that’s what it felt like, except times a million.
I was laying in a bed, that much I knew. I could feel the mattress underneath me, and how my legs fell off the end. Without opening my eyes, i could tell that there was a light right above me.
As my senses came back to me, I took in the smell of the area around me. It smelt like disinfectant. So, I was probably in a hospital.
My hearing came back next, and I could hear the slow beep of a heart rate monitor. I must have been in really bad shape if they thought I needed one.
Finally, I tried for my sight.
It wasn’t easy. The most difficult part about waking up is opening your eyes.
Eventually, though, I got them to open. I was definitely right about the hospital thing.
I was in a standard hospital room. A bed, a door leading out, some chairs for visitors, and the heart rate monitor.
I also had a guest.
Luna sat in one of the chairs on the wall to my left. She looked like she was waiting patiently for me to wake up.
“Ah!” She said, cheerfully. “Awake at last!”
I smiled weakly at her. It was an effort to do even that much.
“Yeah.” I croaked. “Back from the dead.”
Luna smiled at me. “Not dead, my friend. Merely extremely weary.” She levitated a glass of water over to me. “Sit up, and drink. It will help thy throat.”
I did, and was extremely grateful for it. The moment that the water touched my throat, I could feel my energy coming back to me.
I finished the glass in one pull, and handed it back to Luna. As she levitated it back to the nearby table, I asked, “So, what happened?”
“The changeling entered thy head whilst thy sleep the night previous. She must have felt thy power and claimed thee to be a threat to her plan. She cast a spell on thee that causes one to feel more tired than they truly are.” She scrunched up her nose in disgust. “She had layered the spell on thee three times. How thou had awoken that day at all is a miracle.”
I gave a shake of my head. “That’s nice and all, but I meant what happened after I passed out.”
“Oh. Well, when thou had gone unconscious, the changeling had put mine sister in a cocone. From there, she would be able to draw away mine sister’s power and add it to her own.”
I shivered at that. “Geez. There’s a scary thought.”
Luna nodded in agreement. “Eventually, the Elements of Harmony came back, though they were captured. Twilight got the opportunity to free Cadence from her entrapments. When Cadence got free, she rushed over to her husband, and freed his mind from the compulsions. When the captain tried to cast out the changelings with his spell, he found that he wasn’t powerful enough. Cadence gave him strength with her love, and the two of them cst out every changeling in the city. Where they were sent, I’ve no idea.”
So, they defeated Chrysalis with the power of love…
Fuckin’ Equestria, man.
A thought came to mind. “Luna, how long was I out?”
“A day and a half. The wedding is over, and the reception is just starting. I was hoping that you would awake soon. I would rather like to attend.”
I look down at myself, inspecting myself for any major injuries. “Am I good to leave?”
Luna nodded. “Thou will most likely be tired, but the worst has come and passed. Should you wish to join me, I will help thee in getting to the reception.”
I nodded. “Alright. Let’s go.”
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We got to the reception just as it started to really pick up.
We found the EoH and Celestia, along with the newly-weds, standing near what looked to be a dance floor.
“Hello, everypony. Did we miss anything?” Luna asked.
“Yeah, what’s the haps?” I added.
Everyone turned to us and smiled.
The Elements all ran up to me and gave me a group hug. They all started to say something, but they were talking over each other, and I couldn’t understand a word of it.
“Girls, girls! Calm down!” I said. “It’s not like I died or anything!”
They all laughed, and stepped away from me.
“So, what did I miss while I was out?” I asked them.
Twilight stepped forward. “When we got captured, we were sent back to the ceremony hall. When we got there, we found the Queen standing over you, and we got worried. But then we noticed all the cracks in her chitten, and we started to have hope that you were only unconscious. I got the opportunity to free Cadence, Cadence freed Shining, and they both cast out all the changelings. They took you off to the hospital, and told us that you only passed out for exhaustion. We were still worried, but the real wedding was coming up, and we had to be ready. The real wedding happened, Rainbow did her sonic rainboom, and I got a new sister-in-law!”
“Sounds eventful.” I said. I turned to Pinkie. “But don’t we have a party to celebrate.”
Pinkie’s eyes got wide. “You’re right!” She then charged off to the nearby DJ booth, and pulled out Vinyl Scratch from under the table. What she was doing there, I have no clue.
The music started to pick up, and Pinkie tossed a mic to Twilight, who caught it with her magic, and started to sing.
"Love is in bloom!"
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There comes a point at every party where all the guests are tired. They all lose their energy, and have had enough party for one day. It’s at this point when people start to leave and call it a night.
This happens at every party, and a wedding reception is no exception.
But that’s fine by me. Because I had a plan.
Earlier in the week, I had asked Deep Breath if he knew any musicians in town. He had known of a few, and those few were able to introduce me to the people that I needed to know.
I had also asked Signal Flare for a schedule of the bands that were going to play. I got the schedule during the party, but it was still helpful.
Didn’t want to interrupt someone who was actually good.
Despite the beginning of the reception being more pop orientated, we were still in Canterlot, and there were still nobles around. It was only a matter of time before the classical instruments came out.
But that’s ok. I had planned for that too. Hoped for it, even.
As the band I was waiting for came out, I walked up to a pony near the stage.
“Ready?” I asked him.
He nodded, and waved to a few of the ponies on the stage.
They didn’t stop doing what they were doing, but they did start to smile. They were waiting for this.
Ten minutes later, and the band was playing some boring piece of classical music.
The EoH were around doing there thing, but they didn’t look that enthused about the music.
The party was starting to die down.
Time to rectify that.
I nodded to the pony I had talked to earlier, and he walked off.
I saw him again, about a minute later, escorting the piano player that was on stage out into the crowd.
I smiled. Perfect.
I made my way up to the stage, took the mic from its stand, and sat on the bench in front of the piano.
Most of the musicians on stage stared at me. The only ones that didn’t were in on what was going on.
The music died down, and the ponies in the crowd seemed to notice something was wrong. They had all gathered around, trying to make sense of what was happening.
“Sir?” One of the musicians on stage said. “You can’t be here. Please get off the stage, and stop disturbing the party.”
I looked at him. “Disturbing the party?” I asked incredulously. “Nah, man! I’m getting the party going again!”
I turned to the piano keys and started to play.
“Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time.”
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A MINIGUN?
REALLY?
Thats it?
If you want to be technical, Connor probably could've still killed Chryssy.
Practice rounds are hard rubber, not hard enough to pierce human skin/flesh, but hard enough to hurt like a bitch. But, because changelings have insectoid carapces instead of flesh, than those hard rubber balls could crack their shells(which you did sort of show). All it would've taken was some concentrated weapons fire on her head, and Connor would be able to make some pretty sweet bug-extract energy drinks.
Sorry, I just kinda smarted all over you.
You need to stop doing that.
3664406 Sure, but this is a story of technicolor ponies. Just so long as I don't use any overt methods of violence (such as live rounds), they can pretty much survive anything.
Case and Point: In feeling Pinkie Keen, Twilight gets fucking crushed by multiple things that, by all rights, should have killed her.
Due to this still being a kids show, the physics of the universe reflect that, and the ponies can survive the most brutal of beatings.
3664422 That is, of course, why I added the 'technically' to it. I am well-aware of the fact that physics don't work as they should in Equestria.
3664429 Yeah, all this stuff is just semantics and technicalities. I realized when I wrote it that Connor could have killed her with the practice rounds, but I thought 'Meh, just so long as he ain't rippen peoples hearts out, it should be good.'
Cartoon physics makes for very nice plot convenience.
Yes!!! Connor caught Chrysalis singing!!! Good chapter! Looking forward to the Xmas special.
Smile and wave, smile and wave...
When Chrysalis was casting the whole teleport deal, why not just poof out of it? Screw your magic rules, I am chaos.
That, and why not empower your punches and knock her right the hell out in the first one?
3671158 Because that would have made shit too easy.
Life would be awfully boring if all our solutions were that simple.
Not to mention, when Chrysalis was teleporting him into the ground, he was covered in a magic dome thing. It had the same effect that the crystals in the caverns did. Yeah, he could have just rewritten reality to solve that problem, but that shit ain't easy.
3671174. Makes sense, makes sense. I see your point.
musicians
chitin
- You made too good
- told us
- So you're telling me that the Spirit of Chaos, a being whose every-day passtime is making the laws of physics his bitch, is rendered completely helpless by one changeling queen that can't act for shit? I call hax.
- I hadn’t passed through
- I wouldn’t have minded not seeing.
- to the saying
- nowhere
- the Changeling’s beam shot forward,
- and why
- That thou have awoken this day at all is a miracle.
- cast
- from exhaustion
- doing their
More simplistic fighting...
Shield spell again then a punch in the face?
Really?
Then a gun?? REALLY??!?
Spirit of chaos my ass.