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Titanic

The Mane 7 traveled to Earth 1912 to stop the sinking of the Titanic and unite the lovers beggar Jack and the wealthy ~~Kate Winslet~~ Rose.

"Remember everypony, we're here to interfere as little as possible" said Cassandra, "never forget the butterfly effect."

"That's when a butterfly lands on a nose and affects your sneezing right?" said Applejack,

Cassandra felt a migraine coming on - some would call her flawless, but in actuality, she had a serious kryptonite: stupidity.

"Alright everypony, y'all heard th' lady!" instructed Applejack, "be on th' lookout fer butterflies! They're tryin' ta kill yer grandpa so that you never get born!"

"Applejack, that's not even in the same ballpark as-"

"AAAAAH! BUTTERFLY!!!" she swatted at it wildly.

"Applejack, that is not a butterfly, that it our friend Fluttershy's cutie mark."

"Oh, heh. Sorry Fluttershy, ah just got scared at th' thought of there bein' no more apple pie, an' apple crisp, an' apple fritters an' apple brown betty, and ah dunno how anypony could live without that."

"How indeed? Now, I only have enough first class tickets for two ponies..."

"Oh no" said Twilight, I was unable to decide when I faced a similar circumstance."

"I'm just kidding, I have enough for all of you."

The ponies settled in to their luxurious cabins, which Cassandra had acquired for them using her royal connections.

"Now remember, being allowed outside is a privilege, not a right," warned Cassandra, "so behave yourselves."

"Has anypony seen my hairbrush?" asked Fluttershy.

"Woof" said Winona, holding the hairbrush in her mouth, tail wagging. Fluttershy often walked her when Applejack was too busy pounding Braeburn or just forgot to.

"Oh thank you, Winona!" exclaimed Fluttershy.

"You know there's something you should know, so I'm gonna tell you so..." replied Winona with a rap song.

"Ah taught her that trick!" beamed Applejack

"That's wonderful Applejack" replied Cassandra sarcastically, "you get to stay locked in your room while the rest of us go to a party.

Cassandra gave each of her friends a monocle and top hat to help them blend in. "Now might be an opportune time for a mustache." She gave Pinkie a fake mustache.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Pinkie Pie, "there is meritorious humour in appearing to have facial hair when you don't! That joke is so funny I can't believe I didn't think of it!"

"Hush now Pinkie, there's our target." Cassandra pointed at ~~Kate Winslet~~ rose, who was standing across the room looking dower because she did not want to marry the man she was going to marry.

Twilight approached her, "Hello Rose, I understand that you're sad. Is it because you have nothing to look forward to except a loveless marriage with emotional entrapment and unfulfilling sex?"

Rose's face turned a shade of bright ~~scarlet~~ rose. "Excuse me???"

"Twilight! You can't just go up to a lady and talk like that!" scolded Cassandra, "Rose, please excuse my friend here. She's read a book on everything except how to conduct herself in public. But you shouldn't trap yourself in a loveless marriage. I'll cast a spell to invent feminism. It'll take about seven years to work." Seven years later, women got the right to vote. Seventy-seven years later, a new dollar coin was minted with Cassandra's face on it.

"You know, you're right Cassandra. I shall go to Hockley and tell him how I truly feel. Erm, is your dragon eating my necklace?"

Spike was on the floor, chomping away at the Heart of the Ocean, "What?" he asked, sparkling gem crumbs on his face, "I've seen what happens at the end of the movie. If you aren't gonna appreciate this gem, somebody should."

"The dragon has a point." said Cassandra. Next, they went to visit Jack in third class.

"Well howdy there pardner, mah name's Jack too." said Applejack.

"Is that right?" said Jack, unimpressed and equivocal of the pony in the Stetson, "remind me to get my name changed when we hit land."

"There are more pertinent issues right now darling" said Rarity, namely that you must cavort with Rose posthastely."

"Rarity he don't know what them big fancy words mean" said Applejack

"Actually I do. But if you're suggesting that I marry into money then my answer is get stuffed. Money doesn't buy happiness."

"Ah hear that, pardner, we're like two peas in a pod. Mah family's poor, but we're plenty happy, an' we laugh all th' time. Applebloom tells th' best jokes like 'if we made more cider we'd make more money' hyuck hyuck hyuck!" she laughed.

"Oh my god" said Jack, "is that what I'm going to be like when I turn twenty three? Thank you Applejack, you've inspired me to take my life in a completely different direction."

Jack went up to the first class lounge. The lounge singer got tonsillitis, so Cassandra filled in and sang "My Haeart Will Go On" except in in her voice it didn't make everyone's ears bleed. Also she cured the lounge singer's tonsillitis.

"Excuse me sir, you don't belong here" said one of the douchey aristocrats. Cassandra glared at him. "C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-Cassandra, I spoke out of turn, I'm so sorry! I didn't know he was with you! Please don't exact your fully justified vengeance upon me" he simpered.

"Since I have level 99 forgiveness, I will let this pass. But watch yourself." He was bowled over by Cassandra's mercy. Jack approached ~~Kate~~ Rose and they talked for awhile, then Jack walked back over to Cassandra

"She wants me to draw her like one of her french girls." he said.

"What, wearing a beret?" asked Twilight.

"Wonderful!" said Cassandra "that sort of intimacy will solidify your relationship in no time!"

Jack pulled out his sketchpad, "I drew this while I was watching people board the titanic. Tell me what you think."

"Welll" said Applejack, "as th' Element of Honesty ah gotta say... This is one of th' best drawings ah've ever seen! Heck ah can hardly tell if th' ship we're on or th' ship in th' picture is th' real Titanic!"

"In spite of being a pegasus, I do know some magic" said Cassandra, "I can cast a spell to take control of your hands while you draw."

"And ah bet yer lookin' forward ta seein Jack's girlfriend in th' buff" said Applejack, eyes half-lidded.

Cassandra whacked her in the head with her hoof, "how can you make jokes at a time like this? The Titanic's about to hit an iceberg!"

Whaddya mean th' swimmin' pool is closed???" demanded Applejack, "that's horseapples!"

"I'm sorry m'am" said the attendant, "but you'll have to come back later."

"Well ferget you then! ...Wait a minute! Ah don't need th' swimmin' pool, we're on a ship, there's water everywhere!" She dived off the side of the ship, "Biscuits n' gravy!!!!"

She hit the water and died of hypothermia 5 seconds later.

Using her level 99 multitasking, Cassandra continued to telekenetically draw while racing towards the helm. "Captain!" she said, "We must change course now! The ship is headed for an iceberg!"

"Scoff!" said the Captain, "Icebergs are a myth, just like global warming! They aren't melting because they never existed to begin with!" Cassandra rubbed her temples as the stupidity began to drain her mana.

"Fine, since you and the glacier cannot coexist, I'm forced to look out for the interests of the smarter one." She flew out to the side of the ship and gave it a might heave. It turned away from the iceberg and everyone was saved! As the ponies were preparing to leave, one of the families came up to the ponies and the father said, "I saw what you did, and I will ensure that the records of you and your friends' heroics are remembered for all time."

"No" said Cassandra, "the world is not ready for us yet, it will cause a paradox. You must tell no one outside your family the truth about this night. Can I trust you to do that?"

"Absolutely. I will guard this secret diligently, or my name's not Lawrence Faust."

Author's Note:

All you history buffs out there know that April 14th is the anniversary of the Titanic sinking, or at least it would have been if not for Cassandra's heroics. This may not be a very classy story to write, but I think we can all agree that at worst, it is the third-most distasteful cartoon based on the Titanic.

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