The Cassandra Crossovers

by CassandraMyOCisBestpony

Glee

Cassandra and her friends journeyed to Lima County, Ohio to help a motley crew of underdogs win the regional show choir championship. While the students had good voices, their discipline and taste in music needed some serious improvement.

"Ok, so first of all what song have you chosen to perform?" said Cassandra.

"We were going to do Yvlis' What Does the Fox Say". said Artie

"And we're all going to be wearing animal masks!" said Kurt excitedly. He and the rest of the girls started acting giddy.

"Ok girls that's enough" said Cassandra, but she was drowned out by their squee-ing. "Alright, didn't want to do this, but Fluttershy, I need you to show them what the fox really says."

"Um, ok..." she took a deep breath, and prepared her imitation of a fox's barking. "WAAAAAUIAUGH!!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. The kids fell to the floor, clutching their ears in pain.

"That hurt, didn't it, ladies?" said Cassandra, "but you know what sounds even worse? Failure! And that's where you're headed with a half-assed performance like that. Covering a viral song isn't clever, it's lazy. I watched your rendition of Gangam Style, at last year's Sectionals, and frankly, the student passing out on stage was the best part of it. Your homework tonight is to come up with a song that people enjoy regardless of how high it is on the charts. Show up with one or don't show up at all!"

Sue Sylvester happened to be walking by, and she heard Cassandra's speech, "Cassandra that was an incredible motivational speech! I like how you phrased it in a way that implied you had low and high hopes for them at the same time. It would mean a lot to me if you told people I was really cool. Because I'm actually very insecure with myself, and you're the only one who managed to see through my tough exterior."

"I'll see what I can do" said Cassandra

"I mean it Cassandra, you're really awesome" said Sue.

From the hallway they heard the sound of a kid screaming and cursing as he ran down the hall clutching his eyes.

"Don't run, I just wanted to be your friend!" called Pinkie Pie.

"What just happened?" said Twilight.

"I don't know, I gave him the traditional McKinley High School greeting, and he bolted" explained Pinkie Pie, "maybe he's just shy."

"Greeting?" said Santana

"Yeah, the greeting where you take a cup of hot sauce and splash it in his face. I saw him do one to Puck earlier."

"Pinkie, that was a red-colored slushie." corrected Puck.

"Really, just a plain old slushie?" said Pinkie, "because from the way you screamed, it sounded like..."

"Enough" said Puck.

"Umm, Mr. Puckerman, if you don't mind me saying..." said Fluttershy, "no offense or anything but you, um... really need to grow a pair."

Applejack and Mr. Schuester came into the choir room. "Hey y'all!" said Applejack excitedly, "Mr. Schuester taught me Spanish, listen! Ho-la. That means 'burrito.'"

Mr Schuester sighed, "Applejack, I wish I could say that I'm amazed, but truthfully, you're in good company. Now guys, how about we have our guests perform for us today. Cassandra, if you would please?"

The Mane 7 performed "Winter Wrap Up," and it was so awesome that it made up for all the episode's plot holes.

*****

The next day they reconvened to share regionals ideas.

"Good morning everypony, and body" said Cassandra, "Why is Applejack dead?"

"I gave her some quince coffee, like you said." said Brittany

"Dammit Brittany, I told you to give her some of QUINN'S coffee! Quince is poisonous to horses! Well whatever, moving on, who found a good song?"

"I did" said Sam proudly, "In fact it's one of the songs from MLP."

"Wonderful!" said Cassandra, "which one is it?"

"This is Our Big Night from Equestria Girls." He beamed

Cassandra's expression darkened. "I warned you not to fuck with me." She used her magic to replace Sam's shirt with an MLP T-shirt and shoved him out into the hall, yelling, "HEY JOCKS! SAM LIKES PONIES, DO WHAT YOU WILL WITH HIM!" and slammed the door shut. To the rest of the group she said, "Now if I understand correctly, you only need 12 people to be eligible for Regionals, so if anyone else wants to screw around, just keep that in mind."

"Why don't I get any solos?" whined Mercedes

"Because I have the best singing voice, so it makes sense do all the lead vocals," said Rachel, "we can pretend like everybody has their own little niche, or we can just admit that one of us is better than everyone."

"See? She gets it." said Cassandra.

"Aw haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail to the no!" said Mercedes, "I'm versatile too! Haven't you heard all the songs I did?"

"Like what?"

"Always Love You, in the style of Artethra Franklin. Halo, in the style of Artethra Franklin. And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going, in the style of Artethra Franklin. Vogue, in the style of Artethra Franklin. Sweet Transvestite, in the style of Artethra Franklin. And my personal favorite, Respect, in the style of, Artethra Franklin."

"You're right" said Cassandra, "I have been mis-utilizing you. She pulled out a roll of duct tape and taped Mercedes' mouth shut.

"My idea was for us to do a medley of tasteful showtunes, with me and Rachel as the male and female lead vocals" said Finn.

"That sounds like a winner to me." So the Glee Club did as Cassandra instructed, and they became the best glee club in the world. Then it was time for Cassandra and her friends to go.

"One last thing" said Cassandra. She pulled out a tiny vial of fiery red powder and gave it to Finn. "I want you have this. Keep it safe."

"What is it?"

"Phoenix down."

"Ooh, that's the capital of Arizona! I learned that yesterday in geography class."

"Oh Finn, you're just so adorable." said Cassandra, tearing up and giving him a hug, "promise me you'll make Rachel a very happy woman."

"I will."

"I have a friendship report for Princess Celestia" said Rachel, "will you deliver it for me?"

Cassandra smiled, "Only if you'll be my Rainbow Dash in one last Find a Pet duet."

"It would be my honor."

*****

Dear Princess Celestia,
I've recently had the pleasure of being visited by your top student Cassandra, and I learned so much from her. She taught me the importance of choosing between winning competitions and making people feel good. When you try to have your cake and eat it too, you end up getting your ass handed to you at sectionals. Warm and fuzzy feelings fade, but trophies are forever. I explained this to the club, and I got all the solos! They say only one in fifteen people makes it in showbiz. I think it's pretty clear which of our fifteen club members that's going to be.

PS, I am enclosing one hundred cases of gold star stickers. I bought out a Costco because the stars were supposed to be a running gag, but Ryan Murphy just kinda forgot about that. Hopefully you can get some use out of them.

~Your melodic student,
Rachel Berry.

Glee had a huge influence on troubled high schoolers around the world, who learned that it's ok to be different. However it also taught the bad kids that slushying people in the face was funny and cathartic, so it kind of all balanced out in the end.

Author's Note:

I realize that I've been neglecting to have characters write friendship reports. Should I amend each of the already-written chapters with one?

Next Chapter: Pretty Little Liars

Comments

[MasterNotWriter6626]

...I was hoping it would be a Red Dwarf crossover.