A spinoff of the smash hit fanfic "The Cassandra Chronicles." My OC Cassandra journeys to alternate dimensions, and helps them learn the magic of Friendship
This is Cassandra, my OC don't steal. Her interests include dimension hopping, being the princess's long-lost sister, and rescuing other universes when their own characters fail to save the day. She gave up her place on the throne because other ponies were jealous of her, and now she has a higher calling, to save other galaxies across time and space. These stories will touch you, spiritually and emotionally; they will make you laugh, make you cry, and hopefully make you love Cassandra as much as I do.
Chapters may contain Spoilers of the respective source material.
Cassandra used her magic to transport the mane 7 to the Pokemon World.
They had learned about Pokemon from when Twilight visited the human world. She’d gone on endlessly about it, though none of her friends were that interested, it was too complex for their brains to handle. Cassandra was similarly disinterested, but for different reasons; within a day she’d drafted up an invincible strategy that completely wrecked the metagame. (A/N: For the safety of all Pokemon players, it will remain a mystery).
Still, the idea of being there was pretty interesting, so she decided to use a transportation spell. Rarity and Rainbow Dash agreed to 4 sessions of practice kissing each as compensation.
Cassandra handed each of them a set of six Pokeballs and said, “go catch some Pokemon. These Pokeballs are one-use, so use them wisely. We’ll meet back here in an hour.”
They all hurried off in different directions.
***** An hour later, they rendezvoused at base camp, eager to see what Cassandra had gotten.
“Let’s build the suspense” suggested Cassandra, “I’ll go last.” They agreed that that was a genius idea, on par with Cassandra’s usual level of geniusness.
Rarity had caught a Glameow and named it Oplaescence, Fluttershy had caught a Buneary and named it Angel, Pinkie had caught a Sandile and named it Gummy, Rainbow Dash caught a Torkoal and named it Tank, and Twilight had caught a Hoothoot and named it Owluiscious.
Cassandra facehoofed. It was a real testament to her character that she could stay friends with ponies who had no grasp on the simple concept of escapism.
“Alright Applejack, let’s get this farce over with already, show us the Poochyena that you’ve nicknamed Winona.”
“But ah didn’t find a Poochyena” said Applejack, “Ah found somethin’ much better: a Waterball!”
“What in god’s name are you talking about?” Applejack reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a purple Pokeball with two pink dots and a letter M inscribed on the top.
“Holy mother of Celestia!” exclaimed Cassandra.
“See?” said Applejack holding it white-side-up “It’s got a dubya written on it, Dubya is fer water. Waterball.”
With her eyes shooting daggers at Applejack, Cassandra rotated the ball 180 degrees
“Ohhhh, it's an M! Well fancy that!” chuckled Applejack, “It ain’t a Waterball, it’s a Masterball”
“Please Applejack,” begged Cassandra, “for the love of all that’s good in the world, tell me you did not use that Masterball.”
“Of course ah used it! But donch’a worry Cassandra, ah saved it for only th’ best Pokemon ah could find. It’s a Pokemon so mystical and magical, that it’s even got th word magic in its name.”
“Oh no” groaned Cassandra.
“Magikarp, ah choose you!!!” shouted Applejack. From the Masterball, a large red fish with vacant eyes materialized in front of the gang, flopping around helplessly.
“Magik karp karp karp” it said
“They say that pets take after their owners” said Cassandra, “and clearly that much is true. I’m really surprised how well Winona is doing.”
“Ah split th’ work with Big Mac. He does all the carin’ and ah do all th’ playin’.” said Applejack proudly.
“Applejack, would you please call your Pokemon back before it suffocates?”
“Oops, that slipped mah mind. Magikarp, return!”
“Cassandra, why don’t you show us what caught?” asked Twilight
“I bet it’s gonna be totally awesome!” declared Rainbow Dash.
“Well, not as awesome as I’d like” admitted Cassandra, “I held myself back so that you all wouldn’t be jealous,” She took the 6 Pokeballs out of her saddlebag and yelled, “Come on out everyone!”
Metagross, Tyranitar, Toxicroak, Salamence, Alakazam, and Mega Venusaur emerged, all of them shiny.
All of a sudden, Teams Rocket, Aqua, Magma, Snagem, Go-Rock, Phobos, Dim Sun, Cipher, Skull, Galactic, Pokemon Pinchers, Plasma, and Flare, appeared. They had gotten together and formed an evil mega team!
Cassandra could have killed them all with one sweep of her perfect mane, but she decided to reason with them instead.
"Pokemon aren't tools! They're friends, companions, and partners! Your plans will all fail, trust me, I'm the Element of Trust."
"It's true" said Twilight, "I've regretted it every time I didn't trust her."
The bad guys were moved to tears by Cassandra's speech. They immediately disbanded and became good.
Cassandra went on to win the Pokemon League, Battle Tower, and the human world's Pokemon World Tournament. When Gary Oak beat the Elite 4, Cassandra was waiting for him as the final challenge. He didn't stand a chance. To celebrate, Cassandra rode her bicycle indoors.
Walter White lay crouched down on his knees in the hot desert sand. His body still ached from being tazed into unconsciousness, but he remained resolute, his glare unbreaking from the fried chicken & meth emperor Gus Fring.
"You....can't" he stammered
"If you try to interfere" interrupted Gus, "This becomes a much simpler matter. I will kill your wife. I will kill your son. I will kill, your infant daughter."
*****
Miles away, Skyler was having tea with the only person in the universe that could put up with her shit, the brave and beautiful Cassandra.
"So as I was saying" Skyler took a sip from her tea, "I'm concerned that my husband's drug dealing might endanger our family."
"Oh my god, shut the fuck up Skyler, do you have any idea how god damn unbearable you are?" shouted Cassandra, banging her hoof on the table, "it's a miracle that Walter hasn't put you six feet under."
"Thanks for your counsel Cassandra, you always know just what to say." She was lucky to have Cassandra as a friend.
*****
"Yo Cassandra, beer me" said Jesse. Cassandra beered him. "I don't know what to do. I want to stop making drugs, but I don't have any other purpose in life."
"Jesse, don't say that" insisted Cassandra, "You have Andrea who loves you very much, and Brock who thinks of you as a father figure. Return to them and never look back. Take up your hobby of woodworking, you love that don't you?"
"Wow you're so smart, bitch. AUUUUUUGH!" Cassandra had given Jesse a shock bracelet that went off whenever he said the B word. If he was going to be around kids, he couldn't be swearing all the time.
"You know Jesse, I'm really impressed by your progress. As a reward I'm going to bring Mike back to life." She did.
Also Skyler fell into the pool and died.
*****
Walter and Cassandra went go-karting. But as much as they enjoyed riding the karts around the track, they knew they had to talk eventaully. After 737 laps, the sat down and had a heart-to-heart.
"I need to cook drugs so that my children have money after I pass away" he explained, "but it seems like every dollar I make just gets me into deeper trouble."
"You have to put the needs of your family first" said Cassandra, "the truth will come out, about the money and you."
"But if I tell the truth, all I'll get is my money seized and a lifetime in prison."
"I wasn't going to tell you about this, because I knew you'd say no... but I invented a spell to make all the drugs in the world disappear. I never needed it in Equestria because my reign of peace made everypony so happy that they never turned drugs. You understand, it will evaporate your only source of income, but..."
"Do it." he finished. Cassandra closed her eyes and focused. After a moment, she opened them again.
"It's done." She stood up and made her way to the exit, "by the way, check your trunk. I've left you something."
Walter hurried out to his car and popped open the trunk. Where the machine gun once lay was huge wooden box with the smell of freshly baked bread and mouth watering garlic wafting out. Curiously, he removed the lid. What he saw took the wind right out of him; a lifetime supply of dipping sticks. He collapsed to his knees and wept tears of joy.
*****
Cassandra had gathered all the still-living characters in the desert for a celebration of the peaceful resolution. The sky was clear, but the heat was mild. A rainbow shone in the sky.
"Hank, I have a gift for you, a contribution to your collection. It's a mineral." She handed a geode to the DEA officer.
"See Marie, I told you." smirked Hank, "Cassandra, I know I pretend to be a tough guy, but it'd mean a lot to me if I could give you a hug."
"Sure thing, Hank. Now do you guys want to go dune buggying?"
"You're god damn right." said Walter. They all got into their dune buggies and strapped on their helmets.
"Psht, nanny state." said Todd's uncle Jack contemptuously. He threw his helmet away.
"Y'know mister ah like th' cut of yer jib" said Applejack, "ah'm not gonna wear mah helmet either!" They took off into the sunset, whooping it up as they flew over the sand dunes. Applejack flipped over because she has no coordination, and because she wasn't wearing a helmet, she died.
"Booker! First Aid!" yelled Elizabeth tossing a medkit to her partner.
"Much obliged."
"Cassandra, take some ammo!" She tossed a machine gun clip to her other partner, who didn't need first aid because she never got hit. The three of them were in a firefight against the Founders. Cassandra had sensed that the two of them were in trouble, so she opened up a tear and joined them. Despite not having fingers, she was a master in every kind of gun, and could shoot a cigarette out of a man's hand from 500 feet away - which she often did because smoking is bad for you.
Cassandra took half of Booker's vigors and threw them over the side of the ship.
"You don't need these. Murder of Crows and Devil's Kiss are all you'll be using 90% of the time"
"Shouldn't you be concerned about where those bottles land?"
"Nope." They came to a locked door.
"Elizabeth, lockpick!"
"Save your lockpicks, Elizabeth, I got this." Cassandra kicked open the door with her level 99 strength. "I have a gift for you Elizabeth" She gave Elizabeth the bird locket. The girl gasped and covered her mouth
"Oh thank you Cassandra, how did you know? Booker bought me the cage locket, I really don't know what he was thinking, it was so obvious that I wanted this one more!"
"Being as smart as me is a difficult cross to bear. So many ponies are jealous of me" she said wistfully.
"The gondola's leaving! We have to go now!" called Booker.
"You two go on. I have to take care of some business with Fink."
"Godspeed, Cassandra." Booker saluted.
Down on the surface, a bunch of bottles landed on 20-year-old Andrew Ryan's head and killed him.
*****
"So so what? I'm still a rock star... No no, that's not right. So, SO what. I'm still a ROCK star." Jeremiah Fink sat in front of a grand piano, plinking the keys and humming softly to himself, "I have my rock moves, I do not need you, and guess what..."
"Do me favor..." With a start, Fink turned to face the pegasus-pony intruder. "...when you find Poker Face, make the symbolism a little less on-the-nose."
"How did you get past the guards?" he demanded
"I killed them. Also I flew, that's kind of cheating, I know, but this was important."
"And just what are you? Some kind of equine assassin sent by the False Shepherd?"
"Relax, this can be as bloodless as you want. I'm here to tell you something important, a Cassandra Truth if you will. You must end racism in Columbia. The Civil Rights Movement will come someday no matter what you do. Make it happen today or you'll be sorry."
"Balderdash! Had the inferior races not worked the cotton fields, there would be no clothing industry."
"You like music, don't you? Let me show you something." She opened up a tear.
"You think to scare me by showing me the Second World War? Hah! Bloodshed does not perturb me."
"That's not gunfire you're hearing. It's called "Dubstep" and it's from the year 2013. This is the state of music if the Civil Rights Movement occurs 55 years from now."
"As I suspected! Once we undo the chains, they desecrate the fine art!"
"You've got it all wrong! The blacks will save music. You're smart, you're a connoisseur, you know I'm not lying. Remember what you've seen, and tell me I'm wrong! Tell me you're ok with allowing a future where Dubstep is conceived!!! You must do as I say, or this will all end in tears."
Frink laughed at Cassandra's joke for 45 minutes. When he was done he said, "Thank you for showing me the light, Cassandra. I will take down Comstock and use my influence for only good from now on."
*****
DeWitt, Elizabeth, and Cassandra stood at the top of the Eiffel Tower, its majesty overlooking all of Paris.
"Booker, I found some wine," said Elizabeth as she poured a glass for each of them.
"Elizabeth, are you old enough to drink?" asked DeWitt
Cassandra took away Elizabeth's glass. "Legally yes, but science suggests that the brain is in development until age 25, and alcohol can interfere with that growth. Speaking of growth..." She cast a spell that fixed Elizabeth's finger.
"Oh Cassandra, you're just wonderful! You saved my life, freed me from Comstock, and brought me to Paris. I can't live without you"
"Come visit me in Equestria sometime. I must go now, my home world cannot live forever without its seventh Element. She opened up a tear and leapt through.
*****
"Rarity, don't use the sniper rifle at point blank range" advised Cassandra.
"Oh bollocks, I've died again!" cursed Rarity, "perhaps I should set the game to easy."
"It is on easy. Look don't get discouraged, not everypony can do 1999 mode without using Dollar Bills like me."
Their conversation was interrupted by a tear opening in Cassandra's living room. A cobalt unicorn with raven hair stepped through.
"Pony Elizabeth! So good to see you again!" exclaimed Cassandra, embracing her.
"I couldn't stay away. Your world is beautiful."
"Not as beautiful as you."
"Why Cassandra, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were looking to do some more practice kissing."
"It's not weird if we're both ponies. You're really good for someone who's spent their whole life locked in a tower."
"Cassandra, I challenge you to a duel!" said Yami Yugi
"Very well, I accept" said Cassandra. She drew her .40 Smith & Wesson, "Now draw yours."
"What kind of freak are you?" demanded Yugi, "to not realize I implicitly meant playing a card game?"
"Probably a good idea, I am a fairly good shot. Ok, I'll play you."
They shuffled and drew their cards. Yugi went first. "I play Gazelle, King of Mythical Beasts in attack mode!"
"I summon Gemini Elf in attack mode, and have it attack your Gazelle!"
"Oh no!" exclaimed Yugi over-dramatically
"I don't know why you're so surprised, there are tons of level 4 monsters with more attack than that, hell none of the level 4 monsters in my deck have less than 1800 ATK."
"Fine, I place one card face down on the field and end my turn."
"I play Gradius in attack mode" said Cassandra, "then Limiter Removal. Next I attack..." she began cautiously, knowing Yugi might have placed a trap, "...directly. No trap then? Okay, guess I win"
"but.. how?" said Yugi in utter disbelief, "The duel never ends while someone has a card facedown on the table! My Black Luster Ritual was supposed to protect me!"
"Yugi I don't think you understand cause and effect."
"And how did I not draw Black Luster Soldier when I needed it?" he demanded.
"Are you asking me how it's possible that you didn't draw one specific card from a randomly-shuffled deck of 40?"
"Your looks would win you first prize in any dressage contest in the world, but you speak nonsense!" he exclaimed, "I believed in the heart of the cards!"
"Can I give you some advice? Play chess. You're a top-notch strategist, but you should not be doing card games if the concept of probability is this foreign to you."
"There is no time for me to reject your advice! Marik has kidnapped my friends!"
"Oh no!" said Cassandra. "Hey, this is unrelated, but as long as I have my gun out, I was really itching to show off my shooting skills."
"I suppose we have time for a little" sad Yugi. He threw a card in the air. Cassandra took aim and fired, landing 12 perfectly clean shots in the shape of her face.
*****
Yugi lay defeated at the foot of the tower, having just lost to Marik.
"Muwahahaha! Who dares challenge me now!" laughed Marik
"I do!" responded Cassandra
"Just who and what are you?" demanded Marik
"My name is Cassandra, and I am... the Queen of Games. I challenge you to a duel!"
Marik brought out his Egyptian God Card, and used its special ability to boost its power by all but one of his life points. Which was a pretty stupid thing to do really, because there are hundreds of cards that do direct damage, so Cassandra played Hinotama and won the duel.
"You're doing it wrong!" whined Marik, "you can't win without defeating my Egyptian God Card!
"Really?" asked Cassandra, "does it say that in the rules?"
Marik pulled out a pamphlet labelled "Ra's Effects" and began speed reading through it. He took a magic marker and began writing furiously, "It does now!" he proclaimed
"Yeah, I don't think so. Accept your loss like a real man"
"Well, then I guess my plans to rule the world are foiled," pouted Marik.
In the background, Yugi had picked up Cassandra's gun.
"Hey can I keep this?" he asked.
"Sure thing, champ" replied the beautiful Queen of Games.
"Also I would also like to write a letter to your Princess Celestia. Would you deliver it for me when you get back?"
"It would be my honor."
Yugi snapped his fingers at Tristan, who took out a quill and paper. "Dear Princess Celestia. It was an honor to meet your ever-wise long-lost sister. In my short time, I have learned a lot from her. Games are a fun distraction, but true rewards are earnt. Duel Monsters has carried me quite far in life, but at the end of the day, it's heavily dependent on luck. Winning every time is an unrealistic expectation, and I've boxed myself in to the point where I could lose everything from drawing one bad hand. Most glaringly of all, I just realized that the bad guys have no incentive to honor their agreement even if I do win the duel. For these reason, I will henceforth use this gun to solve all my problems..."
"You know what?" interjected Cassandra, "I changed my mind, I'm not delivering that." She snatched up the letter and tore it to pieces. "Right, I think I've done about all I can here. I'll be taking my leave."
"Take me with you" begged Téa, "I want to learn about the magic of Friendship too."
"Your call, Yugi" said Cassandra.
"Cassandra, I love you too much to subject you to a lifetime with Téa." he replied soberly.
Cassandra leapt through a portal and was gone. In her honor, the Egyptian God Cards were all renamed Cassandra.
A/N: This chapter contains spoilers of only the original Phoenix Wright Trilogy..
Chapter 5: Phoenix Wright
Cassandra and her friends were summoned to the ostensibly Japanese section of Los Angeles California to help Phoenix Wright solve a murder mystery.
"Hey, I recognize you ponies from "Turnabout Storm" said Phoenix, "Cassandra, I appreciate you sitting it out so that Twilight wouldn't get jealous."
"Anytime" said Cassandra, "so what's the situation?"
"We've narrowed it down to two suspects: Lynn O'Sint and Jill Tea. But I have no idea how to determine which one did it."
"Hmm, that is a predicament. Let's get some help from Maya Fey."
They went to Kurain village where Maya and Pearl were waiting for them.
"Hey Nick!" said Maya, "did you bring me a burger?"
"It's not good for you to have burgers all the time. Have a salad" said Cassandra, "if you don't mind me saying, you're as flat as a board, so you don't have to worry about losing fat in the wrong places." Maya was really glad that Cassandra visited, it wasn't often she got such sage advice.
"How's your reading coming along, Pearls?" said Phoenix to the little girl.
"It's great, Mr. Nick! I can almost read at a first-grade level!"
"Well fancy that! So can I!" said Applejack, "shot in th' dark but d'you hate machines too?"
"Yeah! They're so confusing."
"Well wallop mah withers, Pearl. This could be th' beginning of a beautiful friendship." The two of them ran off to play.
"Mystic Maya, your robes are so chic" said Rarity, who thought that pretty much everything was chic, "and your green number-6 is just a fabulous accessory."
"What's a 'burger?' asked Fluttershy.
"Ummmm.... hey Maya how about those salads?" said Twilight Sparkle deflectively
"Can we keep her Nick?" asked Maya.
"Wellllll," said Pinkie Pie, "considering that we're sentient creatures with lives of our own back home...It depends on how much cake you give us."
"Is she going to eat all my snacks, Nick? If so, then I might have to reconsider."
"Could we get back to the issue at hoof, Maya? I believe you have information for us" said Cassandra.
"Oh, right of course, here you go."
"And while we're here, can you channel the dead guy so we can ask who killed him?"
"Holy shit, why didn't we think of that?" said Phoenix.
*
Applejack and Pearl sat in the living room watching TV.
"This teller-vision program sure is complicated." said Applejack, "it must be fer smart ponies only! What'd ya say it was called again?"
"Sesame Street, Miss Applejack. Can we watch something else?"
"How 'bout 'The Big Bang Theory?' They got them smarty pant science people on there, so it must be a smart show!"
"That's enough TV for now" said Cassandra coming into the room, "we have to get moving."
*****
They arrived at the detention center, where the defendant, Bryce Stander was being held.
"I can help you" said Phoenix, "but I need you to tell me the truth."
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE TH' TRUTH!" screamed Applejack. The others stared at her with a "WTF" look.
"So you see, Phoenix Wright, I have you cornered in every sense of the word! You were a fool to challenge me!" Franziska von Karma laughed out loud. Phoenix was sweating profusely, his teeth chattering. All hope of maintaining his composure was lost, and the case soon would be too.
"Mr. Wright," said the judge, "if you have nothing more to add, I am ready to make my ruling. I find your client, the defendant..."
"OBJECTION!!!" There was a loud precussive beat, as the frame cut to several people in the courtroom's shocked expressions. Finally, the camera set on the speaker. It was the best lawyer in Equestria, and the most beautiful (dead excluded) in the universe, Cassandra! "Sorry I'm late, but I brought the evidence, it's a fully-loaded semiautomatic. I got ambushed by every villain from the Phoenix Wright games, but leaving the evidence uncompromised was so important to me that I left the machine gun in its bag and fought them off with my bare hooves."
From the gallery, Photo Finish spoke up, "I move zat ve make an exception to ze ban on cameras in ze courtroom, because mere drawings cannot capture ze amazingness of zis moment!"
"Motion emphatically sustained!" declared the Judge, banging his gavel down.
They had to interrupt the trial to take a sexy photoshoot with Cassandra. That's not a joke, it's pretty normal compared to the stuff that usually happens in the courtroom.
"By the way, Cassandra, where's Applejack?" said Phoenix
"The villains were catching up to us, when she fell and broke her leg because she's a clumsy pony. I had to decide between rescuing her or the evidence."
Twilight put a hoof on Cassandra's shoulder, "You made the right decision."
"Yes indeed Cassandra" said Phoenix, "because with this evidence, I can turn the case around!"
Franizka started throwing a tantrum,
"Foolish fool with a foolish fooling fools! You fools are all so foolish!!!" She tried to whip Cassandra, but the shrewd pegasus dodged and snatched the whip out of her hands.
"You're such a brat, you know that? Let's see how you like it!"
"Owww, stop it! That hurrrrrts" whined Franziska. She ran out of the courtroom crying.
"In light of new evidence, I think the verdict is clear" said the judge, "Cassandra, I would be honored if you banged my gavel for me."
"I would, your honor, but I don't want to make you insecure about your own gavel-banging skills." The gallery was moved by Cassandra's thoughtfulness.
Chapter 6: Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth
Miles Edgeworth sat in his office drinking the finest tea in the world. He was struggling with a case, and there was only one person in the universe that he could turn to. This person was the same one who had educated him about fancy teas, and the only person he loved and respected enough to be on a first-name basis with; the sophisticated and worldly Cassandra.
"Hey Miles, nice flowers" said Cassandra
"Aaaugh! When did you get here?"
"I had a feeling you'd need my help, so I stopped by."
"Well, your feeling was right. And the flowers are from my stalker, Wendy Oldbag."
"I see. And I'm guessing that names in your universe have the same sort of predetermination that they do in mine?"
"Yep, she's old."
"I could use an age spell to make her young again. At least then your stalker will be a hot girl."
"I suppose that could work."
"Alright then. How old should I make her?"
"Erm, I don't know... seventeen?"
"Try again."
"How about twenty five?"
"See, now that wasn't so hard!"
"Sorry, I've been so closed off from relationships that I forgot the cutoff point of appropriacy. It's like, I have my profession and my books, why do I even need the company of others?"
"You remind me of somepony I know" remarked Cassandra, "but with an actual chance of getting laid sometime in your life."
*****
Miles and Cassandra began their investigation, and were joined by Kay Faraday, the self-proclaimed master thief.
"Ah, now I understand 'seventeen'" said Cassandra.
"What?" asked Kay
"Never mind. Just maybe consider getting some friends your own age."
"But Miles gives me candy and Steel Samurai toys" protested Kay, "and it's ok because he's not a stranger."
"As the Element of Trust, I advise you to stop talking." Kay pouted, but complied.
"Now then Miles, what clues to we have?"
"A pair of bloody scissors, and a scissor shaped wound in the victim."
"Try connecting them" said the pegasus who was as brilliant as she was beautiful
"O-kay" said Edgeworth dubiously. The Logic screen opened, and he cautiously connected the two events, "EUREKA!!! The scissors are the murder weapon. Thank you Cassandra, I should have trusted you."
"I never get tired of hearing that."
*****
"Ok, I'm ready, throw it!"
"Sure thing Cassandra." Kay picked up an apple and tossed it into the air. Cassandra whipped out her katana and sliced away at the apple. When it hit the ground, it collapsed into razor-thin slices in the shape of the Yatagarasu symbol.
"Whoa Cassandra! How'd you learn to do that?"
"Oh that old trick? I just sort of picked it up after watching Naruto, I watched the original run because I'm fluent in Japanese. Both were very helpful skills to have when I was the original Great Thief Yatgarasu."
Kay gasped, "No way! You were the original warrior of justice and truth?"
"Among other things. Back in my world, I'm the princess's long-lost sister."
"She is also one of the few people I have met who is not a fool." said Franziska, "I would be honoured just to stand opposite her in court, even if I lost."
"Someday Franzy, someday. For now I have to get to the courtroom and help Edgeworth seal the deal on his case." She took off like a supersonic rocket.
"I'm aroused." said Franziska to Kay.
"I didn't know that was possible" said Kay
"Nor did I."
*****
"Hey Miles. I trust you've been able to hold everything together in the fifteen minutes I've been gone."
"Well then you're in for a surprise." Cassandra facehoofed,
"Seriously Miles? Maybe this is why Phoenix always beats you."
"I am ready to give my verdict" said the judge, "Prosecutor Edgeworth, you were very foolhardy to think you could do this without Cassandra's help."
"Not so fast, judge, Edgeworth has one more thing he wants to say." She nudged Edgeworth
"Cassandra, I don't think-" Cassandra looked him in the eye confidently and gave a reassuring nod. "Ok then. Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I have something to announce... I, Miles Edgworth, am a Steely!"
There was a murmur in the crowd, which the judge silenced with his gavel. Edgeworth continued,
"I am a diehard fan of the Steel Samurai cartoon. It is not just for kids, it can be enjoyed by people of all ages." He changed out his white cravat for one with the Steel Samurai emblem, "I've gone to Steelcons all over the globe and bought all kinds of Steel Samurai merchandise from Hot Topic." He ripped off his suit to reveal the Steel Samurai T-shirt he was wearing underneath. "And lastly..." he slammed down a huge stack of papers on the desk, "I submit to evidence my entire collection of Steel Samurai fanfiction, in which the Steel Samurai needs help convicting all the bad guys he's defeated!"
"Your evidence is accepted, Mr. Edgeworth" said the Judge, "but I do hope there is none of that vile 'Regulation 34' I have heard about."
Edgeworth surreptitiously removed a few dozen pages from the stack and threw them in the garbage. "Of course not, your honor."
<Evidence added to court record: Edgeworth's fanfiction>
"Wow Mr. Edgeworth, it's so cool and subversive that you like a kids' show" said Rhoda Tenerio, "when I get off my flight attendant shift, do you want to go on a date?"
"Say yes, Miles" whispered Cassandra.
"Well," said the judge "in honor of Prosecutor Edgeworth's bravery, which is owed entirely to Cassandra, I find the defendant guilty!"
Confetti fell from the sky to signify a victory.
"Cassandra, you did it!" exclaimed Edgeworth, "How can we ever thank you?"
"I need a new practice kissing partner, can I take and ponify Cammy Meele?"
"That sounds reasonable. Any objections Cammy?"
"Guuuuh the Borgnian suitcase is,,, the Mr iFly.. zzzzzz" gurgled Cammy, fast asleep.
"That settles it then!" declared Cassandra, " off to Equestria we go!"
A/N: This story contains spoilers of the first Apollo game, but NOT Dual Destinies.
Chapter 7: Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
Crime never sleeps, especially in the Phoenix Wright world, so once again, Cassandra was enlisted to help. Apollo Justice was briefing her on their progress.
"The only clue I have is this fingerprint, and I can't take it to Ema because she's PMS'ing something awful."
"What else is new?" said Cassandra, "but no worries, I happen to be an expert in forensic science" said Cassandra, "let me take a look at it." She gave it a thorough glance, "Mm-hmm. I see. Very interesting. Yes, I'd recognize this fingerprint anywhere."
"Yes? Yes?"
"It's someone you know very well. Kristoph Gavin."
*****
Cassandra and Apollo arrived at the maximum-security prison. The tense mood was punctuated by the buzzing noises of security doors as they slid open and slammed shut, and clamor of guards and convicts. After being cleared for contraband, a guard walked them over to Kristoph Gavin's cell. The prisoners whistled and made catcalls, but they clammed up the moment they saw Cassandra; not even the men on death row would risk getting on her bad side. Finally, they arrived at Kristoph's richly-furnished cell, which included a fully-stocked liquor cabinet, a plush red armchair, and a shelf crammed full of law books.
"It's a travesty" said Kristoph, "they think anyone with a huge library and a taste for classical music is evil."
"That's not true." said Cassandra, "my friend Twilight lives in a library and no one thinks she's evil."
"Shut up."
"Mr. Gavin, we're here as part of an investigation..." started Apollo
"Yes I gathered that, but before I answer any of your questions, you must answer one of mine: If I were a pony, would I be good-looking?"
"If you were a pony, you'd be Discord." replied Cassandra
"Good answer, advantage you. And my brother Klaiver, I suppose all his grandstanding would make him Trixie."
"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of Applejack's German cousin, Apple Strudel. His boorish behavior and intolerable demeanor can only come from that family's DNA."
"Valid."
"So now that I've indulged you, how about you tell us why your fingerprints were all over the crime scene?"
"I can't fathom why." said Kristoph with a smirk. Links of chains and four black locks appeared over his heart, which only Cassandra could see.
"This isn't over." she said.
*****
Apollo and Cassandra went to the cafe where the victim was last seen. Unfortunately, Kristoph's douchebag brother Klaiver was there.
"Guten tag, Herr Forehead" he said in his stupid foppish voice
"Guten tag yourself, Piano Man," said Apollo, "let me guess, you're the prosecutor on this case."
"Ja, I was kind enough to cancel my rock concert so that I could do it." He played some air-guitar.
"Well aren't we just so lucky" said Cassandra sarcastically. She searched around the area and found a bunch of vital clues that everyone else had missed. "'kay Apollo, I think we're just about done here. But before we leave..." She took out a bottle of laxative and poured it into Klaiver's coffee while he wasn't looking.
"Wow Cassandra, that's fucked up." said Apollo
"People have to learn not to leave their coffee unattended. Think of it as paying our respects to Diego Armando."
"I see. We should probably be on our way." The two hurriedly made their retreat.
"Achtung! I require the waterklosset!" cried Klavier, dashing into the cafe.
*****
"Back already?" said Kristoph with a smirk.
"You know it." said Cassandra, "and we've got the evidence to bring you down! I submit that you hired a guard to shoot the victim from his tower."
"But he was killed by stabbing" pointed out Kristoph.
"I know that. Take a look at the murder weapon. It's got a groove carved into it."
"So?"
"We found a rubber band in the guard tower. And from this we can conclude that the guard used a makeshift bow-and-arrow to kill the victim!"
"AAAAAUGH!!!!" said Kristoph, as the black psyche-locks shattered, indicating that his secret had been revealed. "Fine, you got me. I was planning to pin it all on my brother Klaiver because he's stupid and annoying."
"I understand." said Cassandra, "I will not interfere."
"That was awesome Cassandra You solved the case!" gushed Apollo.
Malcolm Reynolds and his crew were hunkered down in an old abandoned lodge. They had been in the middle of a routine pickup for some goods that had been "acquired through clandestine means" when the local authorities caught their scent. They had dived into the nearest shelter they could find, but they couldn't stay for long.
"Just just come out with yer hands up!" yelled the sheriff, "we've got y'all surrounded!"
"Almost right, sheriff!" called back Mal, "You've got most of us surrounded. Now, Cassandra!"
The swiftest gunslinger pony in the 'verse whipped out of the sky and started laying the beatdown on the sheriff's thugs. Seizing the opportunity, the crew emerged from hiding and made a break for the ship, giving Cassandra some cover fire as they passed
"No bullet wounds!" ordered Cassandra, "these men are just doing their job." The crew complied and kept their shots to the dirt around the men's feet, while Cassandra continued to best them in hand-to hand. Once the crew was safe at the ship, Cassandra used her wings to kick up a mighty sandstorm that provided cover for their getaway.
"Just another day in the life" said Cassandra
******
"Well howdy y'all" said Applejack as the party returned to the ship.
"Howdy, Applejack!" said Jayne, who was in a particularly good mood today because for once he wasn't the dumbest person on the ship, "what's for grub?"
"Well, y'all don't have any apples, so there wasn't nothin' ah could make. We should get apples at th' next rest stop."
"I still can't believe that there are talking ponies here!" squee'd Kaylee, "You're so colorful and cute and shiny!"
"Hey! I am not cute!" said Rainbow Dash. They all laughed.
"Incidentally, where's Rarity?" said Cassandra
"I think she went off to chat with Inara."
"Men pay you do WHAT???" came Rarity's voice from the upper deck.
"If you're going to give me some lecture on your disapproval, rest assured I've heard it many times before," huffed Inara, "I know that my profession is reviled in some cultures, but I conduct myself with dignity, and refuse to service those who do not show the utmost respect."
"Oh no no no, darling I wasn't being judgmental, quite the contrary, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree with the whole dress business." Cassandra made a mental note to give Rarity a memory wipe after they left.
"So Cap" said Kaylee, "how did you and Cassandra meet?"
"Cassandra was the original leader of the Browncoats, and headed the rebellion against the Alliance" said Mal, "but she got called away to save Equestria from Discord, and I had to take the helm."
"Yeah, and we were destroying them when I left!" exclaimed Cassandra, "we're talking right on the brink of a glorious victory. I trust you had no trouble finishing them off for me, right Malcolm?" He looked away shamefully. "What? Did you have a couple casualties?"
"We lost the war." said Zoe solemnly.
"Wǒ jiāng hé nǐ de mǔqīn chéng dàngāo!!!"* exclaimed Cassandra. She took a breath to calm herself down, "well I suppose it explains why you're flying around in this hunk of junk."
"We're sorry for disappointing you" said the crew. Simon Tam the ship doctor ran into the room with a panicked look on his face,
"Wash just collapsed! Does anyone else know how to fly this ship?" Everyone looked at Cassandra. She smirked.
"Do you even need to ask?"
*****
Cassandra sat in the pilot's seat, furiously pounding buttons and moving levers. "Attention, crew" she said over the intercom, "we're coming to an asteroid field, and it's gonna take some real fancy footwork to get around, so you might want to hold onto something! Kaylee, everything working as it should be in the engine room?"
"Yes Cassandra" came her reply, "Wait, no... the catalytic converter's shot! We got about 3 minutes to fix this or this bird's goin' down!"
"Have you got a handle on it?"
"I don't know! I've never seen anything like this before!"
"Ok, don't worry. I'll be right there."
"You crazy?" exclaimed the petite engineer, "It'll take fifteen minutes for you to run over here!"
"It'll take you fifteen minutes, yes, but I am no ordinary pegaus. Now I'm gonna set this girl on autpilot, and I'll see you in ten seconds!"
"Autopilot? This ship doesn't have-" Cassandra cut off communications, and jammed a toy dinosaur into a lever's groove. She raced to the engine room, where Kaylee was still shouting into the radio,
"Cassandra, are you there? Answer me, Cassandra!"
"Right behind you."
"EEK! Cassandra, you startled me!"
"Wouldn't have, if you trusted that I could make it here. Now stand aside." She glanced over the complex machine. "Ok, give me your hairpin, your chewing gum, and three 12-inch bolts."
"Sure thing, here you go." Cassandra made a new catalytic converter out of the objects and hurriedly replaced it with the old one. The ship's turbulence subsided instantly.
"Wow Cassandra, that was amazing!" squealed Kaylee, throwing her arms around Cassandra, "I've learned a valuable lesson in trusting you." There was no time to celebrate though, because the evil dastardly Niska had found them and was in pursuit. They met in the war room to figure out a plan. River slunk into the room with Pinkie Pie gleefully bouncing next to her.
"I like River!" said Pinkie Pie, "She says funny things."
"Come children, let's fly to the factory in the clouds and make rainbows." said River.
"Mal, before you ask, I don't want to break form and take Zoe's place in the liaison party again." said Wash.
"If this Niska fellow is so well-read, he can't be such a bad guy" said Twilight, "I mean I've never even heard of this Shan Yu."
"Why can't we just shoot 'im?" said Jayne, "He's just one skinny Rusky and we're big damn heroes."
"Because" said Cassandra, "if we kill him, we are no better than him - are you not the crew that refused to steal an ailing town's medicine? No, this is one problem that cannot be solved with guns or handsome captains, though you have no shortage of either."
"It's a heavy load to carry." remarked Mal.
"The only true victory can come from the magic of friendship. This is a job for the Elements of Harmony!"
*****
"Captain Malcom Reynolds" said Niska, "I do not know why you are willingly let me board your ship, but I appreciate the compliance. Saves much time and aggro for both of us. If this is trap, I warn you now it will not work."
"No trap." said Cassandra, emerging from behind a pillar, "but you won't be seeing Mr. Reynolds just yet. Let's talk."
"What manner of trickery is this? I could take your ship and kill you now, and my patience is wearing thin."
"Just want to talk. How do you think it makes Malcolm feel when you electrocute him?"
"What do I care? He break agreement. I must punish him."
"But how do you think it makes him feel?"
"Like power plant."
"How do you think he felt when you cut off his ear?"
"Deaf?"
"No, think emotionally Niska."
"Painful? He scream like little girl when my man cut it."
"Yes! And don't you think there's something wrong with making him feel that way?"
"Of course not! He need to be, how you say, disciplined."
"What if someone cut off your ear?"
Niska gasped, "I would be sad.. and angry... and hurt. I would feel like I not whole man! " he became weak on his knees. "Is that how I make Malcolm Reynolds feel?"
"NOW GIRLS!" yelled Cassandra. The other six emerged from around the corner with their Element necklaces and crown. Cassandra's eyes glowed whit and she levitated into the air. She fired a beam of rainbow that wrapped around Niska as he cried out in surprise.
When the light cleared, Niska looked dazed and confused. "it feels like a fog has been lifted from my mind. I have done many many terrible things" he lamented.
"We have cast out the evil within you" said Cassandra, "and replaced it with the magic of friendship. You are wealthy and influential. Use your powers to take down The Alliance."
"I will. Thank you for teaching me lesson." Niska turned and stepped over the threshold back to his own ship. "Goodbye Caassandra!" he called as the door closed, "I shall never forget you!"
*****
The next day, the crew received a distress beacon from a ship. When they radioed it, they got no response.
"Think they're all dead?" asked Zoe
"Maybe" said Malcolm, "it'll make the salvaging a whole lot easier."
"Well what're we standin' around fer?" said Applejack, "let's go save 'em!" She smacked the airlock button open.
"Applejack no!" cried Cassandra, but it was too late. Applejack got sucked out into space and died. Cassandra quickly shut the door.
"Cassandra, Zoe, and me will go investigate, after we've docked with the ship" said Mal.
*****
"Keep your guns up. We don't know what we'll find here" cautioned Mal.
"I know I don't show emotion much, but I'm scared," shivered Zoe, "will you protect me Cassandra?" There was a clatter from across the room as some pans fell off the shelf and a shadowy figure retreated. The three pursued and soon pinned the mysterious man down, only to find it wasn't a man at all.
"Saffron?" said Mal
"Yeah it's me." said the sultry redhead bitterly, "of all the luck that you three would answer my distress call. Hello again Cassandra"
"You two know each other?"
"Yeah, we met before she started taking on assumed names and doing crimes." said Cassandra.
"What is her real name, anyway?"
"I'll spare her the indignity of that, and just tell you that it's a name worth hiding."
"Thank you, Cassandra" muttered Saffron
"What are you doin' all the way out here?" said Zoe.
"I got chased by reavers. They killed everyone else and damaged my ship."
"And you shook them off?"
"No, they're still following me."
"Tàiyáng gōngzhǔ de báisè yuán xíng fēngmǎn de pìgu!!!"** swore Cassandra
"Let's get her back to the ship" said Zoe.
*****
"The way I see it, only two of us are equipped to fight the reavers" said Cassandra, "myself and River. It's too dangerous for the rest of you. We need guns, big ones. Jayne?"
"It would be my honor if you took Vera into battle." He bestowed his beloved weapon upon Cassandra.
"The reaver ship's docked" said Wash. If you two are gonna cut 'em off, now's the time.
"Good luck you two" said Kaylee
"Alright, once we shut the doors, keep them closed until we come back." instructed Cassandra. She and River stepped out of the ship and closed the door behind them.
Instantly the reavers swarmed, but they were ready, blasting them full of lead. The reavers got closer, but they stood back-to-back and kept firing.
"They're coming too fast!" said Cassandra, "We've got to do hand-to-hand combat!" They put up their hands and forelegs and and started punching and kicking reavers.
"Cassandra help!" cried River, as the reavers began to corner her. Cassandra picked up River and spun her around so that she spin-kicked all the reavers unfortunate enough to get in her way.
"Only a dozen left now." said Cassandra. A reaver dived for her gun, but Cassandra grabbed his wrist as he pulled the trigger and pointed the gun at the rest of the reavers, cutting them where they stood. "This is the last one River, would you care to do the honors?" River grabbed him by the head and broke his neck. The two most badass people on Serentiy high-fived. The day was won.
Back on Serenity, the doors opened, and River and Cassandra stepped out. The crew cheered and hugged them.
"It is time for us to go." said Cassandra, "may we take Saffron with us?"
"Sure, we're not using her." said Mal.
"Wash, Book, I want you to take these." She handed them each a 1-Up mushroom.
"What are these?" asked Book.
"You'll know when the time is right." Cassandra opened up a portal, "come along, my little ponies."
*****
In town square, a portal opened and dropped out all but Cassandra.
"That was so awesome!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash, "I wanna get a Firefly and be a space pirate too! Think you can pull some princess strings Twilight?"
"Why don't you just go down to the lake and catch one?" asked a dazed Rarity, "they glow so brightly they're impossible to miss. Where were we, by the way?"
In Cassandra's bedroom, a second portal opened, dumping out Cassandra and a gold-yellow coated pony with a crimson red mane and a cracked heart cutie mark
"Hmm, I suppose being a pony could be worse," said Saffron looking over her new body, "no more back pain and I'm already used to being on all fours. I suppose you're going to ask for practice kissing now."
"Oh goodness no, that would be a squander of your talents & experience. On you I'm going to practice all the weird stuff that I'm too embarrassed to ask my friends."
"Do your worst."
"Oh I plan to, Saffron, or should I say Applejack?
Cassandra has called the Mane 7 to her house for a new assignment. "Before I begin, a question. How many of you have read A Song of Fire and Ice?" Rarity, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash raised their hooves. "I see. And how many of you read them prior to 2010?" Their hooves went down. "Well no matter, not everypony can be a real Game of Thrones fan like me. Anyway, I wanted to show you this." Cassandra had built a fully functioning replica of the 3D model from the Game of Thrones theme song. She pressed the button, and the buildings and landmarks began rising out of the table.
"Wow" said the others, applauding and going wide-eyed.
"Just something I did when I got bored" said Cassandra, "anyway, it leads into today's assignment, we journey to Westeros to teach a warring nation the magic of friendship. We'll split up, and I'm trusting that all of you will do as good a job as me even though you aren't as smart as I am." They were invigorated by her motivational speech, and bravely charged into the portal.
*****
Robb Stark and his blushing bride Catelyn were on their way to their wedding at Walder Frey's castle, when Cassandra jumped in front of them and blocked their path. "Turn back!" she warned, "this wedding is a trap! He's planning to murder all of you!"
"Pah! That's ridiculous!" said Robb, "now get out of our way."
"Ridiculous you say?" Cassandra ripped off Edwyn's shirt to reveal his chain armor beneath. "Why is he wearing chain mail to a wedding?"
"Because I'm cold. Winter is coming" said Edwyn
"That sounds reasonable to me." said Robb, "Cassandra, one Stark has already died, there's like zero chance that another one will. I'm going to ignore your advice." That was his fatal mistake.
*****
Cassandra flew across the Narrow Sea to visit the Dothraki. She was challenged to a fight by Khal Drogo, their fiercest, meanest, and strongest warrior who ate horse for breakfast. But Cassandra was swift and cunning, as well as deceptively strong, so she managed to defeat him.
"I surrender, kill me now." said Drogo in Dothraki language, which Cassandra spoke.
"What is it with you people and killing?" replied Cassandra
"It is the only way to resolve conflict" said Drogo.
"That's not true, you can talk out your problems. In most conflicts, both sides have some valid points, and you'll be surprised at how easy it is to come up with a solution where no one has to die. Here, look." Cassandra pointed at two Dothraki who were arguing over a horse carcass. They were yelling and swearing at each other, and just about to draw their swords when Cassandra came over,
"Stop right there! I'm here to show you the magic of friendship!"
"Magic?" said one of the Dothraki skeptically.
"That's right. Now I want you to draw your sword and slice in half-"
"the other guy, yes yes I know."
"No, slice the carcass."
"Well ok, but I don't see what good that'll do." He bisected the horse.
The other Dothraki gasped, "there was one just a second ago, and now there's one for each of us! What magic is this"
"You shared," said Cassandra, "you both got some and no one had to die. That's the magic of friendship."
The tribe was awestruck, they applauded Cassandra.
"Cassandra," said Khal Drogo, "you were already an honorary Khal, there is no further title we can award you. What reward can we give you for teaching us about friendship?"
"You can spread the magic of friendship, use your strength for good. Use your men's strength to build fortresses and cities out of rocks. They will protect you from the elements so that you don't need to be nomadic anymore, and don't need to kill and maim for food. Take up farming; if grass can grow here, so can other plants. Even though I'm not an earth pony I'm an expert in agriculture. Heck, you might even be able to go vegetarian once it takes off. See this might be surprising but I'm not exactly cool with you guys eating horses."
And thus, the Dothraki abandoned their barbaric ways and Essos became a blooming garden of peace and love.
*****
"sup Pod, did that technique I taught you work out?" said Cassandra.
"Yeah it was alright."
*****
"Cassandra, you've got to help us! White Walkers are attacking The Wall!" said Jeor Mormont
"Don't worry, I got this" she flew down to the opposite side of the wall where the army of Whitewalkers awaited. Cassandra roundhouse kicked them as they advanced, sending them fleeing in terror. As they got closer, she drew out her sword and began slicing away at them.
"Help me Cassandra!" cried Sam, who had become surrounded and was surely not long for this world. But luckily Cassandra was there to swat off the Whitewalkers, and then, using her level 99 strength, she lifted Sam up and carried him to safety on the other side of the wall. She gave his some hot chocolate and tucked him into bed. Saving a friend activated the Elements of Harmony, and since Cassandra had the special ability to wield the full power of the Elements herself, she blasted the Whitewalkers away.
The day was saved, and Jon Snow was so grateful that he kissed her.
*****
"I am conflicted" said Loras Tyrell, "I cannot hide my true feelings, but, I could be executed if they find out."
"Well pardner, ah am th' element of Honesty so ah'm gonna advise you ta tell th' truth" said Applejack.
"I will. Thank you, Lady Appleack"
He reached out his hand to stroke her mane, but she slapped it away, "don't touch me, flowerboy."
"Oh, sorry." He ran out onto the balcony, and yelled to the crowd below, "Attention! Attention everyone! I have an important announcement. I, Ser Loras Tyrell, am gay!" There was silence from the ground for a brief moment, then the sound of crossbows firing, and an "AAAAUGH" from the soon to be former knight.
"I just don't know what went wrong." said Applejack.
"Hey Applejack, what's all the commotion about?" said Cassandra, coming into the doorway, "I arranged for Arya to marry Loras."
"Yeah, erm about that..."
"Applejack, it's a wonder that I don't throw you into the Narrow Sea" said Cassandra, demonstrating truly remarkable restraint.
Jaquen H'gar came into the room. Applejack knocked over a statue because she's a clumsy pony, but Cassandra caught it right before it fell on and crushed Jaquen H'gar.
"The pony has saved a man's life. A man owes you one death."
"Give me infinite favors or I'll make you kill yourself, Jaquen H'gar" said the beautiful and cunning Cassandra
"Fuck, the man has been tricked again!" said Jaquen.
"King Joffrey, Circe, Tywin, Theon, Baelish, and The Hound - plus anyone else who gets in the way." said Cassandra.
"And Daenerys Targaryen" said Spike. The others looked at him quizzically. "What? She's making a mockery of the dragon race! That's seriously not cool! Jaquen, I know you don't usually take requests for methods of killing, but can you make this one slow and painful?"
"A man will see what he can do."
Jaquen H'gar and Cassandra killed all the bad guys and brought peace to Westeros. Tyrion got control of the Iron Throne and brutally executed anyone who made a joke about his height, which had the added bonus of solving the overpopulation problem. Winter came, but the ponies wrapped it up and everything was fine. Applejack survived because only likable characters die in Game of Thrones.
Cassandra and Katniss Everdeen were secretly hunting deer in the restricted area. Suddenly they spotted one. Katniss drew her bow and fired, but missed. Cassandra drew hers and shot it right between the eyes.
"Go ahead, you take it. You can tell Gale you shot it, honesty is the least important Element."
"Gale will think I'm really cool!" gushed Katniss, "thank you so much, Cassandra!"
"Think nothing of it. Oh and here, I have a gift for you." She gave Katniss the mockingjay pin.
"GASP, it's beautiful. Is this for me?"
"Yes, I think it represents your spirit."
"You are so deep." said Katniss admiringly.
Then, Effie came and drew names for the tributes, "The female tribute is... Primrose Everdeen."
"Oh no" said Katniss, "that is my sister and I don't want her to be tributed. What should we do?"
"I got this" said Cassandra. She stepped up and addressed the crowd, "Take me instead. I volunteer as District Twelve's female tribute!"
"Cassandra you can't!" exclaimed Katniss
"Somepony has to protect the young ones. You stay safe while I'm gone. Trust me, I will come back."
*****
They rode the train to Capital City, and on the train ride, Cassandra gave Haymitch a lecture on binge drinking. He vowed to change his ways. She also proposed running away from the Cournocopia instead of towards it
"That's a genius idea, Cassandra" said Haymitch, "it's like you don't even need my help." She didn't, but decided to keep that to herself, lest he fall back off the wagon. Next it was time for the parade, and while most of the tributes needed fancy costumes to get noticed, Cassandra's natural beauty was enough to amaze the crowd on its own. Cassandra got a training score of 99, and all the sponsors wanted her, but she told them to distribute themselves amongst the other tributes, because she was really humble.
Finally, it was time for the games to start. The tributes were raised up onto their platforms, and the countdown began. The wise and daring Cassanrda avoided the bloodbath and let the other fools kill each other over supplies from the Cornucopia. She hurried into the woods and hid.
"Hi Cassandra!"
Cassandra turned around to see the Mane 6. It was Pinkie who had spoken.
"Why are you here?" demanded Cassandra, "It's much too dangerous!"
"We snuck in to help you." said Twilight.
"Well you're not helping me" said Cassandra harshly, "I already have one dead weight to carry around." she glared at Peeta.
"Sorry" he muttered. Cassandra picked up Rarity and threw her into the brush headfirst. Her horn gored out a tribute who was lying in wait for an ambush. Rarity fainted because she had weak constitution for things like blood, proving that Cassandra was right about them being unfit to be there.
"Hey where's Fluttershy?" said Cassandra.
"Foxface stole her." said Twilight.
"Fuck."
"Yes m'am" said Rainbow Dash.
*****
The sun had set. The ponies and Peeta were walking along cautiously, when Cassandra stopped abruptly.
"What's the matter?" asked Twilight, who couldn't tell what the matter was because she was inexperienced with the outdoors.
"Muttations" said Cassandra, "and they're close. We have to get out of here"
"Muttons?" said Applejack, "why ah got plenty of 'em back on th' farm and they ain't scary."
"What?" said Cassandra, unable to comprehend that amount of imperceptiveness, "look just trust me, we don't want to stick around." Indeed, the feral beasts were getting closer.
"But look Cassandra" objected Applejack, "they're just a bunch o' dogies. Here pup!" Cassandra yanked her out of the way just in time. Far away, Thresh got eaten by the wolves, conveniently saving them from having to kill the only tribute who was both threatening and not evil. That morning, they ran into Rue, and the kind and compassionate Cassandra saved her from an attacking tribute. It was awkward though, because they knew one would have to kill the other eventually
Twilight said, "Rue, I recommend hemlock poisoning, it's one of the least painful ways to go. If you have some moral objection to suicide, one of us could press a pillow over your face while you're asleep, and you wouldn't feel a thing."
"Twilight, for god's sake" scolded Cassandra, "while you do have a point, those are not the kinds of things you just say out loud, you really need to work on your social skills."
Hey look y'all! A free apple!" called Applejack. She pointed to an apple that was dangling from a piece of string. She galloped towards it before Cassandra could stop her. Applejack yanked down on the apple, which released a spike trap that killed her instantly.
"What the what?" exclaimed Peeta, "Snatch-n-Grab just stole some of my berries!" About a minute later a cannon rang out, and they found Foxface dead on the ground, for she had pulroined a peck of poisonous peppers from Peeta.
"Nice acting Peeta" lauded Cassandra, "pretending like you didn't know the nightlock berries were poisonous."
"Yes that's right, I was just acting." said Peeta, his eyes shifting nervously. Fluttershy was happy to see him, her favorite humans were adult males.
"What are we going to do about the mean people from Districts 1 and 2?" she asked.
"Well, I think my sponsor should have the answer right about... now." said Cassandra. At that moment a silver capsule arrived, and inside was a set of machine guns. They each took one and rolled out in search of some tribute blood. Cassandra, being much more advanced in marksmanhip than the rest of them, led the charge, and seluthed out the victims. They blasted each one full of holes, until Peeta, Rue and the ponies were all that remained.
"New plan, we're getting out of here" said Cassandra. She flew up into the air and collided with the force field, but it was no match for her power level, and she shattered it effortlessly, allowing the rest to follow her out. Cassandra went to the Capitol and gave the President a lesson in friendship. He promised to look out for his people, and he learned that it's cruel to make them kill each other for people's amusement.
"Well that's all fine and dandy" said Peeta, "but the most important problem hasn't been resolved, the love triangle with me and Katniss."
"Ugh do I have to do everything around here?" groaned Cassandra. She did. "Peeta, you wouldn't know a potential love interest if she stripped for you in an elevator."
Cassandra and her friends journeyed to Lima County, Ohio to help a motley crew of underdogs win the regional show choir championship. While the students had good voices, their discipline and taste in music needed some serious improvement.
"Ok, so first of all what song have you chosen to perform?" said Cassandra.
"We were going to do Yvlis' What Does the Fox Say". said Artie
"And we're all going to be wearing animal masks!" said Kurt excitedly. He and the rest of the girls started acting giddy.
"Ok girls that's enough" said Cassandra, but she was drowned out by their squee-ing. "Alright, didn't want to do this, but Fluttershy, I need you to show them what the fox really says."
"Um, ok..." she took a deep breath, and prepared her imitation of a fox's barking. "WAAAAAUIAUGH!!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. The kids fell to the floor, clutching their ears in pain.
"That hurt, didn't it, ladies?" said Cassandra, "but you know what sounds even worse? Failure! And that's where you're headed with a half-assed performance like that. Covering a viral song isn't clever, it's lazy. I watched your rendition of Gangam Style, at last year's Sectionals, and frankly, the student passing out on stage was the best part of it. Your homework tonight is to come up with a song that people enjoy regardless of how high it is on the charts. Show up with one or don't show up at all!"
Sue Sylvester happened to be walking by, and she heard Cassandra's speech, "Cassandra that was an incredible motivational speech! I like how you phrased it in a way that implied you had low and high hopes for them at the same time. It would mean a lot to me if you told people I was really cool. Because I'm actually very insecure with myself, and you're the only one who managed to see through my tough exterior."
"I'll see what I can do" said Cassandra
"I mean it Cassandra, you're really awesome" said Sue.
From the hallway they heard the sound of a kid screaming and cursing as he ran down the hall clutching his eyes.
"Don't run, I just wanted to be your friend!" called Pinkie Pie.
"What just happened?" said Twilight.
"I don't know, I gave him the traditional McKinley High School greeting, and he bolted" explained Pinkie Pie, "maybe he's just shy."
"Greeting?" said Santana
"Yeah, the greeting where you take a cup of hot sauce and splash it in his face. I saw him do one to Puck earlier."
"Pinkie, that was a red-colored slushie." corrected Puck.
"Really, just a plain old slushie?" said Pinkie, "because from the way you screamed, it sounded like..."
"Enough" said Puck.
"Umm, Mr. Puckerman, if you don't mind me saying..." said Fluttershy, "no offense or anything but you, um... really need to grow a pair."
Applejack and Mr. Schuester came into the choir room. "Hey y'all!" said Applejack excitedly, "Mr. Schuester taught me Spanish, listen! Ho-la. That means 'burrito.'"
Mr Schuester sighed, "Applejack, I wish I could say that I'm amazed, but truthfully, you're in good company. Now guys, how about we have our guests perform for us today. Cassandra, if you would please?"
The Mane 7 performed "Winter Wrap Up," and it was so awesome that it made up for all the episode's plot holes.
*****
The next day they reconvened to share regionals ideas.
"Good morning everypony, and body" said Cassandra, "Why is Applejack dead?"
"I gave her some quince coffee, like you said." said Brittany
"Dammit Brittany, I told you to give her some of QUINN'S coffee! Quince is poisonous to horses! Well whatever, moving on, who found a good song?"
"I did" said Sam proudly, "In fact it's one of the songs from MLP."
"Wonderful!" said Cassandra, "which one is it?"
"This is Our Big Night from Equestria Girls." He beamed
Cassandra's expression darkened. "I warned you not to fuck with me." She used her magic to replace Sam's shirt with an MLP T-shirt and shoved him out into the hall, yelling, "HEY JOCKS! SAM LIKES PONIES, DO WHAT YOU WILL WITH HIM!" and slammed the door shut. To the rest of the group she said, "Now if I understand correctly, you only need 12 people to be eligible for Regionals, so if anyone else wants to screw around, just keep that in mind."
"Why don't I get any solos?" whined Mercedes
"Because I have the best singing voice, so it makes sense do all the lead vocals," said Rachel, "we can pretend like everybody has their own little niche, or we can just admit that one of us is better than everyone."
"See? She gets it." said Cassandra.
"Aw haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail to the no!" said Mercedes, "I'm versatile too! Haven't you heard all the songs I did?"
"Like what?"
"Always Love You, in the style of Artethra Franklin. Halo, in the style of Artethra Franklin. And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going, in the style of Artethra Franklin. Vogue, in the style of Artethra Franklin. Sweet Transvestite, in the style of Artethra Franklin. And my personal favorite, Respect, in the style of, Artethra Franklin."
"You're right" said Cassandra, "I have been mis-utilizing you. She pulled out a roll of duct tape and taped Mercedes' mouth shut.
"My idea was for us to do a medley of tasteful showtunes, with me and Rachel as the male and female lead vocals" said Finn.
"That sounds like a winner to me." So the Glee Club did as Cassandra instructed, and they became the best glee club in the world. Then it was time for Cassandra and her friends to go.
"One last thing" said Cassandra. She pulled out a tiny vial of fiery red powder and gave it to Finn. "I want you have this. Keep it safe."
"What is it?"
"Phoenix down."
"Ooh, that's the capital of Arizona! I learned that yesterday in geography class."
"Oh Finn, you're just so adorable." said Cassandra, tearing up and giving him a hug, "promise me you'll make Rachel a very happy woman."
"I will."
"I have a friendship report for Princess Celestia" said Rachel, "will you deliver it for me?"
Cassandra smiled, "Only if you'll be my Rainbow Dash in one last Find a Pet duet."
"It would be my honor."
*****
Dear Princess Celestia, I've recently had the pleasure of being visited by your top student Cassandra, and I learned so much from her. She taught me the importance of choosing between winning competitions and making people feel good. When you try to have your cake and eat it too, you end up getting your ass handed to you at sectionals. Warm and fuzzy feelings fade, but trophies are forever. I explained this to the club, and I got all the solos! They say only one in fifteen people makes it in showbiz. I think it's pretty clear which of our fifteen club members that's going to be.
PS, I am enclosing one hundred cases of gold star stickers. I bought out a Costco because the stars were supposed to be a running gag, but Ryan Murphy just kinda forgot about that. Hopefully you can get some use out of them.
~Your melodic student, Rachel Berry.
Glee had a huge influence on troubled high schoolers around the world, who learned that it's ok to be different. However it also taught the bad kids that slushying people in the face was funny and cathartic, so it kind of all balanced out in the end.
"It has been a year since our friend Allie's passing and I still miss her." said Aria.
"I concur, and our anguish is exacerbated by the fact that they never found the body." added Spencer (a girl)
"That's a lot more big words than I can process, but I am sad too," agreed Hannah. All of a sudden, the four girls' phones got a text message at the same time.
"Oh my god you guys!" said their token slightly-dark friend Emily, "I just got a text from someone named A! She knows all our secrets an she's threatening to blackmail us! Ohhh, she might tell the whole world that I am a lesbian"
From galaxies away, the ponies heard their distress call and came to their aid.
"Hey I know you!" said Spencer, "you're from that picture that Toby keeps under his bed next to the tissues and hand lotion."
"Ummmm, thanks?" said Rainbow Dash.
"Getting back on topic" said Cassandra, "for what reason did you call us here?"
"Take a look at this" said Emily, "we're getting threatening messages from an untraceable source that calls herself A." She showed the unsettling text to Cassandra,
"Hey bitches, I'm not dead... but soon you'll wish you were. Watch your backs. ~A"
(A/N Aria is NOT A, I know it sounds like the perfect twist ending, but it's not, it's just a consequence of very very shortsighted writing that one of the main characters has a name that starts with A. I figure if I don't address this immediately it's going to confuse people.)
"I see." said Cassandra, "This does seem to imply that your friend Allison is sending you text messages from Heaven... but understandably I have my doubts."
"Yeah, like the 'Heaven' thing for one." quipped Twilight
"TWILIGHT!" exclaimed Cassandra, "we discussed this; this is one of those times where you don't say whatever's on your mind."
"But if not Allie, the who else could it be?" wondered Hannah, "maybe someone else whose name starts with A?"
"Applejack!" declared Pinkie Pie.
"Now hold on just a durn tooin' minute!" objected Applejack, "it can't be me, ah ain't smart enough ta constantly outwit four teenage girls."
"She's got you there." said Cassandra. "Here's what we're going to do, you four girls go about your life as normal, don't give A the satisfaction of knowing she's getting to you. The seven of us will protect you, mostly me."
*****
Aria and her teacher Ezra Fitz were making out on the couch at his apartment. They were trying to get into the mood as best they could, but it was difficult.
"Aria, do your unicorn friends have to watch us?" said Ezra.
"Relax darling, this isn't anything I haven't done before" said Rarity.
"We have to protect you from A," said Twilight, "and that means never taking our eyes off of you. Besides, are you not a teacher? This session has been very educational to me." She proudly held up the several pages of notes she'd taken. There was a knock at the door. Hurriedly, Aria and the ponies hid in the closet, which proved to be a wise decision because at the door was Aria's dad.
"Hi Ezra" he said, "I wanted to talk to you about my personal problems."
"Sure I have time" said Ezra, trying not to sound impatient.
"Great. I trust you because I know you wouldn't keep secrets from me."
♪ ♫.I, I, I love little girls, they make me feel so good. ♪ ♫
"Sorry, that's my phone" said Ezra.
"Waaaaait a minute" said Aria's dad, "that ringtone..."
"Gulp" said Ezra.
"That's the guys who did Weird Science, isn't it?"
"I wouldn't know, I wasn't born yet."
*****
Cassandra and Fluttershy were watching over Spencer, who was busy doing her AP- level (advanced placement) homework. "Cassandra, can you take a look at this? It is abstruse."
"Sure" said Cassandra, "I see, all you have to do is..."
In the background, Fluttershy was fiddling with the TV remote when she accidentally turned on the TV. Playing on the TV was a gruesome killing scene the movie Saw, with the characters' faces replaced by Spencer and her friends'.
"Nooo!" cried Fluttershy, curling up into a ball and sobbing. Cassandra quickly came over and wrapped her wings around Fluttershy.
"Shhh Fluttershy, it's ok. Cassandra will protect you from the mean puppet man," she turned off the TV, "see? He's gone now, alright?"
Spencer's sister Melissa came downstairs and scowled at Spencer.
Spencer explained, "Our sororal relationship has been on tenterhooks on due to my repeated cuckolding of her gentleman callers."
"Hey Spencer, seen any good movies lately?" asked Melissa mysteriously.
"Wow, that's like a confession on a silver platter" remarked Cassandra.
"True, but I did see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug last week. Perhaps she was referring to that."
*****
"How did ah get stuck babysittin' the lesbian?" groused Applejack,
"Hey! I'm right here," said Emily, "and I thought you ponies were supposed to be tolerant to others under threat of Windagos."
"Ah may hafta tolerate zebras an' bisexuals, but that don't mean ah gotta like it."
"Whatever. You cook right?"
"Sure can, in fact ah'll go whip up some grub right now. Ah betcha can't guess what ah'm gonna make."
"Is it some kind of apple pastry?"
"Whoa! Yer sharp as a tack!" exclaimed Applejack. She hurried off to the kitchen.
Outside the house, Rainbow Dash was standing guard, when she was approached by a person wearing a black-hooded sweatshirt. The hood concealed their face, and the loose fittingness concealed their gender.
"Sorry, pal" said Dash, "but nopony gets in here today. You'll have to go."
The hooded figure started running in place.
"You tryin' to tell me you're faster than me?" she said indignantly, "well then let's see you prove it!" The two of them crouched down into a race starting position. "Ready set go!!!" said Rainbow, and she took off like a bullet. The hooded figure pantomimed running after Dash for a second, then turned around and nonchalantly let itself into the house.
The mysterious figure sneaked towards the stairs, but was spotted by Applejack, "Hold up there, pardner, you ain't supposed to be in here."
The hooded figure took out a wad of bills and offered them to Applejack. "Hmm, ah do need th' money," pondered Applejack, "alright, ah suppose ah can look th' other way if ya buy some of mah apple treats. What's th' worst that could happen?"
*****
Spencer, and Aria were hanging out at Aria's house with Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity. At Rarity's insistence, they were giving each other makeovers and mani-pedi-hoofies.
"Eeee! This is the second best sleepover I've ever had!" squealed Twilight. She neglected to add that it was the second full-stop.
Suddenly, Spencer and Aria's phones chirped at the same time. When they looked at the text they'd just gotten, the color drained from their faces.
"What? What is it?" said Twilight.
"It's from A," said Aria, "Emily's been kidnapped."
Hannah and her boyfriend Caleb were lounging around her living room, with Pinkie and Cassandra diligently keeping watch, unaware of Emily's kidnapping. Hannah was fiddling with Caleb's laptop.
"I bet he wishes she was fiddling with something else that's in his lap." commented Pinkie
"Pinkie, please" said Cassandra.
"Hey Caleb" said Hannah, "Why do you have a folder called 'My Little Pony Pictures?'"
"Don't open that" said Caleb evasively, "a virus put that there."
"A virus can make a folder full of pony pictures?" replied Hannah skeptically
"Well duh" said Cassandra, "why do you think it's called a Trojan horse?"
"Nice save" whispered Caleb.
"I made cupcakes!!!!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie, bouncing into the room, "Don't worry Hannah, I used the secret ingredient this time."
"Wut theecwet ingeedient?" asked Hannah with a mouthful of cupcake
"Throwup medicine, of course! I forgot it last time, and you had to spend almost an hour in the bathroom with your finger in your throat! It was super duper inconsiderate of me! ...hey, why are you looking at me like I did something I shouldn't have?"
"GANGWAY!" cried Hannah. The others looked quizzical "...what? I just marathoned Pirates of the Caribbean last weekend. Anyways... OH MY GOD!!! FUCK!!! TOILET!!!" She made it to the bathroom just in time and slammed the door shut.
"So Caleb... you like younger women do you?" said Cassandra, desperately trying to diffuse the awkwardness.
"Er, what? I'm the same age as her."
"That so? I see."
"I think I'm done!" called Hannah from the bathroom
"I'm getting the sense that I wasn't supposed to put ipecac in the cupcakes!" shouted back Pinkie Pie
"It's ok. Actually, it's pretty clever way of cutting out the middleman...oh and it looks like I'm not done, there's more coming."
Hannah's phone buzzed.
"Should I check it for her?" asked Caleb, "or would that be intrusive?"
"She looked at your laptop bro" pointed out Cassandra.
"Good point. Let's see what it....oh my god!!!"
"What?"
"I got her password right on the first try, it's 'Caleb!' That's way too easy to guess," he tsked, "now about that text message...oh my god, Emily's been kidnapped."
"Applejack." murmured Cassandra caustically.
*****
The Mane 7 and three non-kidnapped girls reconvened at a cafe.
"I found this. I think the kidnapper dropped it" said Rainbow.
"Hmm, this smells fishy." said Cassandra.
"No doy, everything smells fishy in a mystery drama" said Aria matter-of-factly
"Don't condescend me, Elf-vira" said Cassandra, "I meant it literally, it smells like Hannah's special place when she thinks about a triple-decker bacon burger." They were lucky to have such a smart friend like Cassandra. "Thank you by the way, for volunteering to drive across town to the address printed on this paper and investigate. Applejack, since you bungled up your guard duty, you get to go with her."
"Rainbow Dash dropped th' ball on that one too" objected Applejack.
"I know, and that's why the two of us are going to find some secluded space for some practice kissing. The rest of you, investigate whatever creepy things you can find. They tend to hold all the answers."
*****
Aria and Applejack were on their way to the mystery address. Spencer had been sent to go with them as a safety measure - if they met a hostile teacher, he could cripple the duo easily, by outwitting Applejack and seducing Aria.
"♪ ♫ 99 bottles of apple cider on th' wall, 99 bottle of apple ciderrrrrrr, ya take one down, pass it 'round ya got ♪ ♫ ....um"
"Zero" said Aria helpfully.
"Oh that's right! ♪ ♫Zero bottles of apple cider on th' wall!!!♪ ♫ Hey that's th' lowest number ain't it? Neat, ah never actually finished th' song before. Wanna sing another?"
"Let's talk about something that doesn't involve singing."
"Why? You got a cutie mark in opera don'tcha?"
"Humans don't get cutie marks" reminded Aria
"A singer with no cutie mark? Yer just like mah friend's sister."
"Why do you assume I sing?" asked Aria confusedly.
From the backseat, Spencer piped up, "the word 'aria' means an elaborate melody sung solo with accompaniment, as in an opera or oratorio. I presume that Applejack knows that because she once, in a shortsighted attempt to appear more intelligent, tried to read through the entire dictionary."
"Ah got all th' way to archeopteryx! There were a lotta words! Guess which one ah'm thinkin' of now."
"Apple?" said Spencer.
"Wow! Ah knew you were smart but ah didn't think you were psychic!"
"We're here." said Aria, stopping the car.
They found themselves at a supermarket, so they went to the meat counter and asked the clerk about the suspicious-looking piece of paper.
"I was told to give something to the person who brought this here. Let me go get it." He went into the back room and came back moments later with a small butterflied fish.
"Fuck." said Spencer, "it's a red herring."
"Poetic" said Aria, "but why would they drag us out here? Unless...oh my god you guys! I just remembered, there's nobody home at my house right now! A must have planned for that so she could steal the incriminating evidence! Come on! We have to get out of here!"
*****
Cassandra was guarding Aria's empty house. She had suspected that "A" would come to steal the incriminating evidence, and thus taken it upon herself to guard the place. A mysterious person wearing a black hoodie approached the house. It was trying to be sneaky, but Cassandra spotted it instantly.
"Hello there, A" she said, "I have to say I'm disappointed at how easily I figured out your plan. I hate to rub salt in your wounds, but you're going to be leaving empty handed." The mysterious person charged at Cassandra, but she ducked out of the way, and it fell to the ground. Cassandra grabbed her bo staff and pinned down the hooded figure by their throat. "Now, I know how mutually beneficial it is if the cops don't get involved, so I suggest you start talking." At that moment, a set of headlights emerged, blinding them both. Applejack, Aria, and Spencer stepped out of the car. The hooded figure used the distraction to escape. Cassandra chased after, and was just about to catch it when Applejack cried,
"Don't worry Cassandra! Ah'll help ya!"
"I've got this, I don't need help Applejack" said Cassandra
"Ah don't trust you, ah'm gonna ignore yer advice." She whipped out her rope and gave it a twirl, "Ah've gotcha now, A!" she cried and threw out her lasso, missing her target and snagging Cassandra.
"God dammit Applejack!" cursed Cassandra as the mysterious figure escaped into the night.
*****
The next day, the ponies accompanied the girls to school. Noel Caan came up to the group with a derisive sneer. "Your friend Emily is a lesbian, and also kidnapped" he said villainously.
"How dare you kick her while she's down!" exclaimed Hannah.
"Yeah, besides," said Aria, "she shaves her legs, does that sound like a lesbian thing to do?"
"well..." Noel looked pensive.
"Actually" cut in Twilight, "she shaves her legs because she's on the swim team."
Cassandra facehoofed, "For god's sake Twilight, do you never not speak out of turn?"
Noel smirked and them and slunk away, painting a letter A on a locker as he departed.
"I think he's somehow involved with this" said Rarity.
"Now let's not be hasty, that could just be the 'anarchy' symbol." said Hannah.
Just then, their phones all chirped at the same time. Aria's alert tone was the Van Halen song "Hot for Teacher." The message read,
"Emily can't come to the phone, she's tied up at the moment. You have 24 hours to publish your deepest darkest secrets.. ~A" Attached was a picture of Emily tied to a chair, with an unknown person wearing a doll mask watching over her. Most of the group went pale, but Cassandra kept calm, and her calmness was rewarded when she found a vital clue.
"I recognize that mask! I saw it in the window of that creepy costume store! Let's go!"
*****
They raced downtown to the store and burst in. The store was crawling with costumes that looked like a Geiger-Lovecraft collab, adorning every shelf and hanging from the ceilings. The low lighting made it hard for the girls to keep their bearings as they stepped around the displays uneasily.
"Welcome." They all jumped at the oily voice, and turned around to see a pale anemic man with cold hands, greasy hair, poor dental work, and eyebrows just a little bigger than they ought to have been. "A little early to be shopping for a Halloween costume, no? Don't go in the back room. Nobody goes in the back room."
"Do you know anything about this girl?" asked Aria, showing him a picture of Emily.
"I don't." said the manager.
"Well that was a bust," said Hannah. "Alright, we should get back to school."
"Hold on just one second" said Cassandra. She lowered her voice so that the manager couldn't hear, "I'm gonna run a theory by you, and it may sound crazy, but I need you to bear with me, ok?" They nodded. "What if, and hear me out on this, what if, that man...is lying?"
"Collective gasp" they all said.
"That was my first reaction too, but just look at this place. It's creepy as shit. And if you looked up 'suspicious' in the dictionary-"
"Ah didn't get that far."
"...anyways, I think he might be hiding something in the back room."
"Even if we did subscribe to your cockamamie weavings of yarn," said Spencer, "how are we to infiltrate his merchandise repository undetected?"
"Take notes girls, this trick works surprisingly often." Cassandra borrowed Aria's phone and dialed the costume shop's number. The manager hurried over to the wall mounted phone, taking his eyes off the back room..
"Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Er, hello?"
"Go now!" whispered Cassandra to the group. They sneakily made their way into the back room, where Emily was tied to the chair from the photograph.
"Emily!" they cried, and quickly undid her bindings.
"Who kidnapped you?"
"I don't know. They snuck up from behind and chloroformed me. I was out before I could see their face."
"HEY!" shouted the manager, "you're not supposed to be in he-!"
Cassandra grabbed him and pinned his arms behind his back. "Start talking! Who are you working for?"
"Ow! You're hurting me! Ok, ok I'll talk. When I set up this business, I underestimated just how niche it was. October was the only month I was in the black! I needed money, badly!"
"WHO???"
"If I tell you, they'll kill me! But what have I got to lose, it's-" He stopped suddenly and fell face down on the ground. They could see a red-tailed dart sticking out of his neck. At the opposite end of the store, holding a tranq gun, stood the hooded figure, A. Cassandra tackled it, causing it to drop the gun. She hastily kicked it away. The hooded figure picked up a nearby sword and waved it menacingly. Cassandra grabbed a lasso and charged. The hooded figure swung the sword at Cassandra's neck, connecting right on target.
"Costume shop, dumbass" said Cassandra as the sword bounced off harmlessly. "this rope however, is real enough. She hogtied the hooded figure, and it struggled to get away, but was no match for Cassandra's level 99 knot tying.
"Now" said Cassandra, reaching for the hood "Let's see who this A" really is. She pulled down the hood and everyone's eyes went wide. They all exclaimed,
"King Sombra!"
"Cryyyyystallllll!"
"I don't understand!" said Aria, "I thought A was one of our classmates."
"I thought it was Jenna."
"I thought it was not-really-dead Allie."
"And I lost ten bits!" whined Pinkie Pie, ripping up a betting slip labelled "Lucas."
"Explain yourself, Sombra!" demanded Twilight
"Cryyyyyyystal"
"I'd better help out" said Cassandra, "Those people all had roles to play, and you were right to suspect them, they are all hiding secrets, some bigger than others. But A never gets careless, has an unlimited budget, and is practically omniscient. Does that sound like a high school student to you?"
"I have trouble with compound fractions" said Hannah.
"They've gradually written themselves into a corner with every Machiavellian move that A pulls. If you aggregate every one of A's nefarious deeds,you'll see overlaps and inconsistencies everywhere, and it becomes clear that no human has the physical or mental capacity to run this 'A' operation. I mean seriously, there are countless times where A would have to be twelve places at once, or completely invisible! I have to wonder what they were smoking when they wrote some of these things."
"Crystal?" suggested Sombra.
"Well, I'm glad that's over with." said Emily, "Let's underage drink to celebrate!"
"You don't seriously think this is over, do you?" interjected Cassandra, "He's a highly-powerful magic entity, he doesn't just lose all his powers because you found out his identity. And you can't exactly arrest a shadow demon, can you?" She motioned at the discarded sweater and the shadowy wake of the escaping Sombra.
"So what now?" asked Twilight.
"Now," said Cassandra, "we ready ourselves for the final battle. It's time to take down King Sombra's stronghold. Prepare yourselves, we're headed for Ravenswood."
Ravenswood, the stage for the final battle with King Sombra, was a creepy town full of creepy people. As the group made their way through the streets, they observed that the ponies were the only saturated colors for miles - by stark coincidence everyone had worn their dullest clothes on that particular day. Everything was depressing and dark, the sky was in a constant state of overcast, and all the trees bare, with their brown leaves scattered on the ground. All in all, it was not dissimilar to the Crystal Empire under King Sombra's reign. Clearly, his reach had extended to this town, and if Cassandra didn't do something quick, the consequences would be dire. The group had assembled their friends and family to join them - they would need all the help they could get.
"Excuse me" said Emily to a man watering the grass, "have you seen a dark grey stallion with a demonic looking horn?" The man ignored her. "Hey, listen, this is important! Could you please stop watering the grass for a second and answer me?"
"The grass is real thirsty" he replied enigmatically.
"Pardner, yer gonna drown th' grass if ya don't stop soon."
"The water bill's paid up until the end of the month, so I figure I can keep watering until then...unless of course, the end of the world comes."
"Right," said Cassandra, "I don't think we're going to get anything out of this one, so let's keep moving. That big black tower in the distance might be a good place to start."
"But we have no concrete evidence of any malfeasance." pointed out Spencer.
"Spencer, where there's smoke, there's fire" said Cassandra, "the one benefit to operating above the law is that you can break into someone's house and look through their things without a search warrant."
The church bell rang, and all the townspeople emerged from the houses and stores and congregated at the graveyard. They all stared blankly at a statue of King Sombra.
"Now you see Spencer, that, is more smoke than free sample day at the hookah store."
"Point taken, I will entrust you."
"Good girl. Now remeber, smoking is bad for your health. Also, be careful, because it won't be long before Sombra realizes we're here."
At that very moment, the ground began to crack and black tendrils creeped up towards the party.
"RUN!" cried Cassandra, "to the castle!!!" They took off running, with Cassandra bringing up the rear, slashing at the vines with her specially-made katana that could slice dark energy.
"Aaugh, they've got me!" cried Caleb, as one of the tentacles grabbed him and dragged him underground.
"CALEB!!!!" screamed Hannah, tears beginning to form in her eyes as she ran towards the blackened ground where Caleb had been, but Cassandra stopped her.
"No, Hannah! There's nothing you can do for him, we must keep going." She put a hoof on Hannah's shoulder, "He's in a better place."
"H-he's d-dead?"
"Dead? Celestia, no, is that what you thought? The 'better place' is a better show. Now come on, move!"
They entered the castle and were greeted by an army of shadow soldiers. "What now, we don't know how to fight!" whined Aria.
"You're joking right?" said Cassandra, "everypony here can hold their own in a fight, even freakin' Fluttershy. So, do any of the humans know how to fight?" Everyone raised their hands except the Main 4 girls.
"Right then. You four girls go home, everyone else, let's rock n' roll." So under Cassandra's leadership, they easily overpowered the shadow soldiers, with a wide array of weapons and hand-to-hand combat. Sadly, they suffered one casualty when Applejack saw something shiny on the ground, and took her eyes away from the fight, allowing a shadow soldier to get the jump on her.
But there was no time to mourn, they had to keep moving. They made their way up the spiral staircase and finally reached the throne room.
"Alright everypony, beyond this door is Sombra himself. He is a very dangerous pony, and it's not safe for everyone to in with us, the Element Bearers. So, while the rest of you stay out here and hold our ground, us ponies and the three most badass & worthy people will go confront Sombra himself. The three of you know who you are, step forward."
Jason, who was brooding in the background, stepped forward, and brooded extra hard to show Cassandra he meant business.
"Ha ha ha ha, good one Jason!" chuckled Cassandra. "Oh wait, you're serious? Let me laugh even harder." she didn't actually laugh because it wasn't funny so much as sad. "Goodness no, Jason - granted maybe if this was Twilight, but I was referring to the three people with demonstrable abilities. By the way, you failed the test of humility by stepping forward."
"Well? Who are they?" demanded Rainbow Dash, because she had no appreciation for the literary technique of building suspense.
"The first one is Emily's dad - he's a soldier and he's tolerant of bisexuals, which is something the rest of you could learn to be." Everyone nodded and gave thanks that they were imparted some of Cassandra's wisdom, "The second is Hannah's grandma. Like me, she is gifted with the power of immunity to BS and catty trickery. That kind of stuff is what causes our four leading ladies to spend entire seasons spinning their wheels." The four girls looked ashamed.
"So I'm guessing that your third person isn't one of us four?" said Hannah.
"See I knew you inherited some of your grandma's sharpness." praised Cassandra, "The third is Aria's friend, and if you ask me missed opportunity, Holden. Jason, remember what I said about demonstrable skills? This one fought off a hooded assailant one time."
"So did I" pointed out Hannah, "I used an improvised pepper spray device"
"That's my girl!" said Hannah's grandma.
"Fine, if you can pass one test, I'll let you come with us."
"Crap, it's not on The Great Gatsby, is it? I was supposed to read that for English, but Aria got the four of us excused by giving Mr. Fitz a blo-"
"Enough" said Cassandra. "Emily's dad, would you be so kind as to lend me your pistol?"
"Sure, Cassandra."
"Now Hannah" said Cassandra, "without putting your finger on the trigger, show me which end of this gun you point at the bad guys."
Hannah took the gun and thought for a minute, and then finally made her choice.
"Ok, you're not coming with us" said Cassandra, "and I believe I said without putting your finger on the trigger."
"Well, wouldn't be the first time I let my friends down. Thank you for trusting me with this dangerous instrument, Cassandra."
"Actually," said Cassandra, a dark look coming over her face, "I had a moment of weakness, I didn't trust you. I kept the safety on."
"It's all right, we forgive you" said Fluttershy
"Yeah, every character has flaws, even you, hard as it is to believe" said Rarity
"I could never give you enough practice kissing to make up for everything you've done" said Rainbow Dash "but when we get home, I'm damn sure gonna try!"
"Our town won't be the same when you're gone." said Aria.
"You cured my bulimia." said Hannah.
They all came together for a group hug.
"Thanks you guys" said Cassandra, wiping tears from her eyes, "I needed to hear that you all trusted me to lead the charge. Now let's go!" The three humans and six ponies burst through the door to the throne room. They were greeted by a platoon of elite shadow soldiers. "Fan out! We take out these guys, and I can get to King Sombra!" The shadow soldiers charged, but Cassandra and her team were ready. Cassandra zoomed in front of their left flank, cutting the air and toppling them over. Holden began roundhouse kicking the shadow soldiers to death. Hannah's grandma came upon a crate full of bottles, and she used her vodka-identifying skills to determine that they were in fact vodka. She quickly found a lighter and some rags.
"MOLOTV!" she yelled, throwing a flaming bottle into the shadow soldiers' formation, causing them to duck for cover. Emily's dad whipped out his semiautomatic and went all Rambo on them.
"Good job!" hold them back!" said Cassandra. "Now for the main event, Sombra, show yourself!"
"Cryyyystal"
Cassandra flew at him with a flying kick, which hit because she had the special ability to hit shadows. Sombra fell backwards and snarled. "Cryyystal!" He used a shadow spell, but Cassandra conjured up the power of friendship, which easily deflected his attack. He tried to use his creeping crystal attack to corrupt Cassandra, but she was too pure, and was immune. He clumsily swung at her, but she dodged and grabbed his hoof. She used her expertise on Krav Maga to subdue him.
"Don't you see? The power of friendship always wins! Now, all I need is a husband and wife in a stable relationship to strike the final blow!"
"Yeah, good luck findin' that on this show" said Hannah's grandma.
"Point taken. I didn't want to have to do this, but...." She plunged her hoof into King Sombra's chest and ripped out his still-beating black heart. She crafted a crystal heart from SOmbra's stash of crystal and jammed it into his chest cavity."
"CRYYYYYYSTAL!" he he screamed as the good magic left a burning sensation inside of him. When is subsided, he tried to conjure up a death spell, but found that his powers were gone.
"You have been drained of all evil magic." explained Cassandra. "Your powers will return in time, but you are to use them ONLY for good! I will let you live, but the moment I hear about you doing any evil, I don't care if it's littering, taking two free samples at the market, or having illicit thoughts about a mare, I will end you. Do I make myself clear?"
"Crystal." he replied meekly.
When they emerged from the throne room, everyone cheered for Cassandra and her heroics. With King Sombra's stash of precious crystals, Ravenswood was able to fund a ton of public works projects to make their town less creepy. People smiled and behaved normally, even the ravens were friendlier. From the rubble of King Sombra's castle, a statue was built of their savior Cassandra.
The mayor of Ravenswood said, "I declare that from now on, our periodic staring sessions shall be in front of the Cassandra statue."
"Mayor, remember what we talked about? Being less creepy?"
"Oh right of course, your knowledge is very valuable and will be greatly missed, Cassandra."
"Don't miss me too much, or people will become jealous."
Dear Princess Celestia, Hannah: Cassandra taught me a very valuable turn of phrase, "Where there's smoke, there's fire." I was in a fire once, and knowing that smoke indicated the presence of fire helped me to get out quicker. I've been reading up on it, and that cabin had several fire code violations, like a lack of smoke detectors, and an insufficient number of egress points. I will carry a fire extinguisher with me at all times, so that... Aria: I think I'd better take it from here. What my friend means to say is that sometimes it's very easy to overlook things that are right in front of your face, like a person acting really mysteriously. We will try to be more observant, and not ignore our suspicions. We will also try to stop doing reckless things that give blackmail material to people that with us harm. Spencer: A non exhaustive manifesto of such behaviors includes failing to secure our domiciles, broadcasting our endeavors on social media outlets, withholding of verisimilitude, and pursuing retribution. Emily: And I'm thankful for Cassandra teaching everyone that it's ok to be bisexual. Hopefully they will continue to be more tolerant - after all, in shows like these, everyone's bisexual, they just don't know it yet.
Keeper Artemus stood silently in the shadows, watching, observing. Suddenly he sensed movement behind him. He grabbed at an offending hoof that was making a move for his coin purse.
"That's not for you," he said to the would be pickpocket Cassandra,
"Two more seconds and it would've been," she said sheepishly.
"It takes talent to see a keeper," he commended, “especially one who does not wish to be seen.”
“And even more talent to steal from one” said Cassandra, triumphantly holding up Artemus’ coin purse in her free hoof.
“What is it you want from me?” he said, brusquely snatching back his coin purse, though secretly he was impressed with Cassandra’s skills.
“Tell me what you know about Garrett and the coming Dark Age.
Garrett the professional thief was sneaking around, plotting his next move.
“STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!” shouted a loud, raspy voice. Garrett leapt about a mile out of his skin, and turned with his sword drawn to face Cassandra. She easily blocked the blade, and then twisted up her face, and burst out laughing.
“BAHAHAHA!!! You are so jumpy, Garrett! I mean seriously, just relax, no ordinary guard would think to look up here for you.”
Garrett rolled his eyes, but his expression softened, “I guess that was pretty funny. I know I can be cynical sometimes, but you always know just what to do to bring a smile to my face.”
“So what’s the job today?”
“I have to break into Constantine’s house and steal a sword. But the house is like some freaky carnival attraction, with dead ends, twisted paths, and traps everywhere.”
“Don’t you worry Garrett, I’ll get you through this.” said Cassandra. She used her level 99 navigation skills to guide him through the mansion. They came upon a gem lying on an ornate looking shelf.
“Don’t mind if I do.” said Garrett, taking it into his bag.
“DOWN!” cried Cassandra, knocking him to the floor right before an arrow trap whizzed over their heads.
“Wow Cassandra, your trap finding skills are top notch.” said Garrett.
“I know. But don’t get cocky, I’ve been timing the guard cycles and there’ll be one coming into this room in exactly 13.6 seconds.” She leapt through a door in the ceiling and grabbed Garrett, slamming it shut just before the guard entered. “Now which way?”
“That way” said Cassandra, using her level 99 searching skills. They came upon the sword and took it. Garrett was careless and almost got spotted by a guard, but Cassandra hid him at the last second.
“Wow, you’re like a master thief” he said, “I hope I can be a master thief too someday.”
When they brought the sword back to the client, he revealed that he was Constantine and this heist was just a test to see if Garret was ready for the real job.
"I had my doubts but if Cassandra's cottoned on to you, you must be something special."
"Are you saying I don't get a reward for the sword job?"
"In essence."
"Man, you can't trust anyone these days. Except Cassandra, because she's the element of Trust."
"Well, this job will pay off in spades. One hundred thousand of our nondescript currency."
"Ok, you've got yourself a deal "
Constantine's assistant Viktoria winked at Garret and Cassandra. Garret blushed.
"Has somepony got a little crush?" Teased Cassandra
"N-no" insisted Garrett, "emotions get in the way of my job, so I don't have them."
"Nice! Girls go crazy for that dark and aloof mystique, keep working that angle." They arrived at the abandoned Hammerite cathedral where their target, The Eye, was kept.
"Well shut, the door's locked" said Garrett. He sighed, I guess we have no choice but to go find the four macguffins that can open the door."
"Couldn't we just find another way in?" asked Cassandra, "being as this is an abandoned building, there's a pretty good chance that the wall's crumbled away somewhere"
He sighed heavily, "Well, I guess we have to go get the four talismans." Cassandra rolled her eyes.
Their first stop was the Hammerite temple in the Old Quarter (this one was still active). Since the temple was heavily occupied all hours of the day, stealthing was out of the question, they would have to pose as Hammerites and go undercover. Cassandra was a good actress, so she knew how to act and talk like a Hammerite. Garrett didn't so he disguised himself as an initiate, who was forbidden to speak.
Standing guard at the drawbridge was a man in the traditional Hammerite garb, a silver tunic with red sleeves and a hammer symbol on the chest. Like all Hammerites, his weapon of choice was a giant sledgehammer. After checking that their papers were in order he opened the gate and said, "Praise be the Builder, and may he give you strength to hammer thine enemies."
"Thankest thou brother, and may thou also find strength to smite the wicked" replied Cassandra.
“Wow Cassandra, you’re really good at that.” said Garrett
“My sister Luna taught me” explained Cassandra.
They went into the church, sneaking around and pocketing loot when no one was looking. Cassandra paid close attention to the subtle clues and eventually figured out that there were two talismans hidden securely in a cage, and would require several relics to disable the security locks. They would also need to visit the restricted Areas and pull the secret levers. As they continued sleuthing, they came upon a distraught looking Hammerite brother. His name was Karras, and he was a very talented inventor but he was small in stature and had a nerdy sort of voice.
"What doth be the matter, Brother Karras?" Asked Cassandra.
"Sister Cassandra, the other brothers doth be mean to me. They callest me 'Kar-ass, and they giveth thumbs down to mine inventions without explaining why."
Cassandra was shocked, "Forsooth! I doth haveth a zero tolerance policy for bullying. Brother Karras, I shalt help thee . In exchange all I ask is that thou purloin the talismans of Air and Earth.”
“Sister Cassandra, I art so grateful for thine help! Builder’s blessings be on thee, your will shall be done!” A few hours later, Karras, Garrett, and Cassandra stood outside the Hammerite temple, watching as the temple filled with a toxic gas, and the Hammerites inside choked and gasped for air.
“Karras, I have a confession to make to you.”
“Go on, Sister Cassandra, I shalt listen.”
“I’m not a Hammerite, I’m an atheist. Sorry if that makes you insecure.”
Karras looked pensive for a moment then said, “Sister Cassandra, I doth be wholly impressed by thine free thinking! Thou art so intelligent! I shalt be an atheist too!”
“I’m impressed by your free thinking too” said Garrett.
Next, they went deep underground to the Lost City for the other two Talismans. The Mane Six joined them for this part. First they came to a burrick, a small raptor-like creature that breathed toxic gas at its enemies.
“Stand back” said Garrett, “I’ll kill him with my sword.”
“No!” said Cassandra, “he’s not hostile, just in pain, watch.” The others looked on, biting their hooves nervously, as Cassandra approached the burrick. She lifted up its foot, and pulled out a thorn. The burrick was so grateful that it let Cassandra have the Water Talisman.
“Wow!” said Fluttershy, amazed by Cassandra's animal care skills. Next they searched for the fire talisman, but their path was blocked by a Fire Elemental, a hovering sphere of fire with no face and no emotions.
“Take cover!” cried Cassandra, pulling the group behind a rock as a wave of embers narrowly missed them.
“Ah bet he’s got a thorn stuck in his foot too.” said Applejack, “ah’ll help him out!”
“Applejack, no!” said Cassandra, but AJ ignored her. She trotted over to the fire elemental, who shot her with a fireball and killed her. “Now, can anypony tell me what kills fire?” said Cassandra.
“Paper?” said Rarity.
“You’re lucky you’re pretty." said Cassandra exasperatedly, "Garrett, give me your bow.” With her expert marksmanship skills, Cassandra shot a water arrow at the fire elemental, causing it to fizzle out. Then she flew across the lake of lava and retrieved the fire talisman. Now, they had all four talismans and could get into the abandoned cathedral.
“I am so grateful you saved us, that I would like to offer you some practice kissing” said Rarity.
“Later” said Cassandra, “for now I have to help Garrett retrieve the Eye.”
They went to the cathedral, and there were scary zombies.
“I am afraid of the zombies” said Garrett.
“Not to worry” said Cassandra, “they’re vulnerable against fire, light, and holy water. I’m an ordained minister in Equestria, so I can actually get you all of the holy water you need.”
Cassandra comforted Garrett as they journeyed through the decrepit cathedral, with Cassandra murdering zombies easily. Eventually the came to the Eye itself. It was a big red ruby with a metal talon protruding from it. The talon looked like it once held a golf ball-sized spherical object.
“Whew” said Garrett, “I’m so glad that Constantine, who tricked me once before, will now give me my money with no more complications.”
They returned to Constantine’s house with the Eye, and he was pleased to get it.
“Well done, Garrett and Cassandra.” he said mysteriously, “now for your comPENSATION!!!!!!!” Suddenly, Constantine transformed into his true form, the Pagan god himself, known as the Trickster! Cassandra quickly his herself away safely, but Garrett was too slow.
“Bows you to the woodsie lord!” declared the Trickster in Pagan dialect. Viktoria revealed her true form, a wood-skinned dryad with hundreds of snaking branches coming out of her hand. With her wicked tendrils, she tied Garrett to a pillar and used one sharp branch to gouge out his eye. “Your flesh bes givers the Eye its power! Plantses consume flesh, woodses consume cities!” she declared, placing Garrett’s eyeball in the Eye’s talon.
“We must bes makings preparations for the final ritual.” said the Trickster. The two of them departed.
Cassandra emerged from her hiding place. “You know Garrett, I know some ponies with really weird fetishes who’d go crazy over Viktoria’s vines.” “Could you please just get me out of here? In case you hadn’t noticed I’m in a lot of pain, and probably blind.”
“Relax, I’ve been teaching Karras how to make prosthetic eyes. He’ll have one for you soon enough.”
“How can you be so calm? The Trickster’s going to bring about the end of the world!”
“Because we can defeat the Trickster, trust me.”
“Really? And just how many gods of chaos have you killed?”
“Actually….no never mind, I don’t want to make you jealous. Anyways, let’s go.” She gave Garrett a healing herb and the two headed into the Trickster’s lair for the final confrontation.
They came to a swarm of the Trickster’s servants, and Cassandra defeated them all with one swipe of her perfect mane. Finally, they came to the Trickster himself. He was performing a ritual on The Eye that would bring about chaos and the end of the world. However, Cassandra had a plan. She had crafted a fake Eye that was so convincing it would fool even the Trickster. Moving so stealthily that not even the Trickster god himself could detect her, she approached the pedestal where The Eye stood, and switched the real with the fake.
“The ritual is complete!” declared the Trickster, “...wait what???” the spell backfired, killing him instantly and saving the world! The Keepers gave Cassandra a medal, and promoted her to honorary head keeper. Garrett was so moved that he decided to stop being cynical.
“I will miss you more than you know” said Garrett, “I will dedicate all my future thievings to you.” He disappeared silently into the night, and Cassandra returned to Equestria.
Rarity was playing “Thief” on her computer with Cassandra watching over her shoulder.
“When do I get the machine gun?” asked Rarity.
“You don’t” said Cassandra, “this is a victorian-era game, they don’t have those.”
“But all I have is a sword and a bow. How am I supposed to kill the terrorists?”
“Those aren’t terrorists, they’re guards. The goal is to be clever and stealthy, avoid confrontation, and only kill when absolutely necessary.”
“That’s boring” said Rarity, “die guards, die!!!!” she charged in and started hacking them up with her sword. She managed to kill two before they alerted the other guards, who quickly killed her. “This is impossible, nopony could beat this game,” she scoffed.
“Hey Cassandra!” said Sweetie Belle, trotting into the room, “remember how you said you’d french me if I beat the game on Expert?”
"Everypony, I want you to pay real good attention, because today's assignment is a particularly difficult one." Cassandra had gathered the other members of the Mane 7 in her house for a briefing.
"Might it have something to do with your impressive and large collection of anime and manga?" asked Twilight.
"Sharp as ever, Twi! Yes, today's assignment takes us straight into the world of Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Lucky for you, I know this particular anime backwards and forwards."
Rarity swooned, "Cassandra, I'm in awe over how sophisticated your tastes are! I only wish I was so refined in my tastes, but alas, I am naught but a simple plebeian."
"Ah don't see what's so great about aminee" said Applejack, mangling the pronunciation, "ain't they cartoons fer little kids?" The others glared at her, daggers in their eyes.
"Applejack, your shallowness never ceases to amaze me. They're not cartoons, you uneducated twit!" Cassandra picked up a beetle that was scuttling across the floor. "As punishment for your impudence, you have to eat this bug." The others winced, but they knew it was only fair, Applejack had seriously disrespected all of Japan with her remarks. "The rest of us get Pocky"
When they arrived in the new world, Cassandra gave each of them a Babel Fish. She didn't need one because she was fluent in Japanese,
"Don't feel bad" she said to the others, "you have many redeeming qualities in spite of your shortcomings." The group was approached by a small white long-eared alien cat creature.
"Aww he's so cute" said Fluttershy, "I hope he's friendly."
"Careful now Fluttershy" said Cassandra, "He may look cute but he's actually a cold hearted monster called Kyuubey. He tricks young girls into becoming soulless witches by offering them a wish and magical powers."
"Incidentally, do any of you want to become magical girls?" asked Kyuubei.
Applejack said, "Ah'm a businessmare, so ah know how ta spot a good deal, an' that sounds just like one! Ah wish fer-"
"Better hold off on that, Applejack." said Cassandra
"But why?" said Applejack, "ah was this close to gettin' a free apple!"
Just then, Madoka walked over. "Talking ponies? SO kawaii!~ I was going to wish for a talking pony, but now I don't have to."
"You know, you can still wish for more ponies," said Kyubei slyly, "a whole herd of ponies, even!"
"Wellll," said Madoka pensively, "it is true that Roseluck the background pony is my favorite pony besides Cassandra. But then again, I am a selfless person, and that would be a selfish thing to do :3." She skipped away singing "La la la la la."
Next Sayaka came along, and was about to wish for Kyōsuke's arm to be fixed, but Cassandra fixed his arm, so she didn't have to become a magical girl either. Despite this, Cassandra could do nothing about the unfortunate girls who had already signed contracts with Kyuubey.
"Hey, does anypony else hear something?" said Twilight. In the distance they heard Linkin Park music, slowly getting louder as a black-haired girl with a drawn face came towards them.
"Oh that's just Homura" explained Cassandra. The emotionally-complex and dark & mysterious Homura approached them.
"Hiiiiiiiiiiii guyyyyyyyyyyys" she said monotonously, and gave a sigh so heavy it nearly knocked them off their feet. "No one understands me. Life sucks."
Everyone except Cassandra swooned, "Homura-chan, uguu!" they said.
"Stop it" she sighed, "I'm useless."
"Hey come on Homura, chin up." Her cheery friend Mami had just entered, "Life is about happiness and sunshine! We're saving the world from witches, and that's a good thing!"
Just then, a labyrinth revealed itself! "Stay back!" shouted Cassandra, "there's a witch in the area! It's only safe for us magical girls to be here!"
"Gasp" said Rainbow, "are you saying you're a magical girl, Cassandra?"
Cassandra gave them a deep dark look. "Yes, it is part of my dark past. I signed a contract with the incubators to become a Magical Girl and rid Equestria of all the witches. My wish was simple - peace and love for eternity in Equestria once I defeated the witches. It was a dark time, war and suffering ran rampant. But I persevered, and fought back the witches until they were no more in Equestria. But I couldn't live with the darkness that I'd become, so I shattered my soul gem. Normal magical girls would get killed by doing so, but miraculously, I survived! I was free of my contract, but I trained until my powers were strong enough that I could protect Equestria if the need ever arose again. Now get back before you get sucked in!"
"No Cassandra, we're here to help you" said a steadfast Rainbow Dash. The labyrinth opened, and they all got sucked in.
They found themselves in a plane with an endless black sky above. Everything was dark and roughly-drawn like the style of Tim Burton, but the landscape itself was made of all kinds of desserts.
"Ooh! Candy!" exclaimed Pinkie. She bounced over to a weird looking cookie and began to feast.
"Take it easy, Pinkie" said Cassandra, "We already have Rarity, we don't need two ponies chewing the scenery."
"Wait, I know this witch," said Mami, "this is Charloette, witch of demonic desserts!"
"Everything sucks" contributed Homura.
"Well anyway, let's defeat her quickly, because it's my last fight before retirement." said Mami.
"Really?"
"Nah, that just seemed like an innocuous thing to say. In actuality, I'm looking forward to living for many many years and making lots of happy memories with my fellow magical girls."
Charlotte was a swift and spritely little demon that resembled a child's doll. It easily dodged Mami's gunfire.
"I'll have to use my level 99 accuracy!" said Cassandra. She took one of Mami's guns and locked on, hitting Charlotte right between the eyes.
"Hooray! She's dead for real and there were no casualties!" said Mami
"Mami, look out!" cried Cassandra. She tackled Mami out of the way. Charlotte had emerged from the ground in her second form, a gigantic worm with a cartoony face but razor-sharp teeth. It chomped at the air where Mami had been moments ago.
"Being a Magical Girl is a strenuous burden" said Homura. She finished off Charlotte with explosives. The Final Fantasy 6 victory music played.
"So are we done here?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"You'd know the answer if you watched the show" is what Cassandra would have said, except she understood that the anime was too heady for some ponies. Instead she said, "No, we must still defeat Walpurgisnacht. She is the most powerful witch of all, a hater." Everyone gasped. "She employs the most powerful weapon of all: jealousy. She shoots red thumbs at the virtuous. But if we all work together, then I just know we can-"
"It's hopeless," interrupted Homura, "we could never defeat her in any of the timelines."
"Wait what?"
"Homura-chan can time travel" explained Mami, "We've fought Walpurgisnacht four times so far. Everything went tits-up, but Homura just went back in time so we could try again."
"Oh thank goodness" said Cassandra sarcastically, "for a minute, this show had a sense of urgency."
"It ended worse each time" insisted Homura, "one could even say, that In The End, It Doesn't Even M-"
"Don't finish that sentence if you value your life." said Cassandra.
"Ah know what'll defeat th' witch!" said Applejack, "th' Element of Honesty!" She approached Walpurgisnacht, "Ah ain't gonna let you spread yer hate anymore!" she declared, "an' that's th' Honest truth!"
Walpurgisnacht shot a red thumb at her, slicing her in half.
"Mami! Homura! Put these on! They'll protect you!" Said Cassandra. She tossed them each a fedora and a "Keep Calm and Watch Puella Magi Madoka Magica" t-shirt. They failed to defeat Walpurgisnacht several times, but Homura time traveled and they kept trying until they succeeded. Applejack stayed dead for reasons that weren't quite explained. Cassandra summoned up her own Element of Harmony, a golden suit of armor with a jewel-encrusted sword. Learning from her past mistakes, she dodged Walpurgisnacht's red thumbs of jealousy and plunged her sword in the beast's heart.
The day was saved. Everyone except Homura cheered. "All bliss is temporary" she said, with a sigh.
"Homura-saaaaaaan~" said a random schoolgirl, "you're so hot when you complain about things"
"Quiet, you" said Cassandra
"You know Cassandra" said Kyuubei, "I know you got out of your first contract with me, but if you signed another, you could be more powerful than even Madoka."
"Well..." said Cassandra, "I do have another wish, but you're not gonna like it." She decapitated Kyuubei with her sword. It was a special sword that prevented him from regenerating. She hoisted up the head like a trophy. "This'll go great next to Scrappy Doo, Joffrey, and Skylar White."
"I'm so booooooooored" said Scootaloo. She and Applebloom were lounging around in the clubhouse.
"Ah hope Cassandra gets back soon" said Applebloom.
"Applebloom! Scootaloo! Look what I found!" called out Sweetie Belle as she climbed the ladder exuberantly. She was carrying a DVD in her mouth. "Check it out! I got it from Rarity's room."
"I thought she said we shouldn't watch her DVD's because they're unsuitable for younger audiences." mulled Scootallo
"This one should be ok," assured Sweetie Belle, pointing to the smiling pink-haired little girl on the brightly-colored DVD case, "it's clearly a happy-go-lucky magical girls anime."
"Sweet!" exclaimed Applebloom, "ah'm feelin' emotionally fragile right now so this should be just th' thing ah need."
They declared in unison, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADER ANIME WATCHERS, YAY!!!"
The Mane 7 were preparing for a journey to the Sailor Moon World. The Sailor Scouts would soon be facing a threat that would be too much to handle on their own. However, Cassandra had an unexpected problem to deal with in the form of her sister.
“We wish to come with you.” said Luna, “to meet a fellow disciple of the moon.”
Cassandra groaned, “This isn’t a pleasure trip, Luna, it’s an assignment. You’ll just get in the way with your bumbling. Besides, they already have a Luna, and she’s wise and useful.”
“Oh but we doth beseech! We promise we shalt not embarrass thee!”
“Now Luna, don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“Very well. We shalt try not to embarrass thee.”
“That’s better.”
“Cassandra, which planet am I most like?” asked Pinkie
“Mercury, because its namesake was a trickster. Though Twilight is most like the respective Sailor Scout, because she’s smart.”
“You have such a way with words.” gushed Twilight.
“Ah bet ah’m Jupiter, because ah’m stronghearted an’ have a great reverence for tradition.” said Applejack proudly.
“No Applejack, you’re Pluto - you’re insufficient, but we overlook that, and let you hang out with us.”
“Cassandra has such a great kindness in her heart” said Fluttershy. They all hugged Cassandra.
Luna spotted a girl in a sailor style school uniform with long blonde hair tied into pigtails.
"HARK THEE YONDER! " called out Luna, "THOU ART SERENA TAKEUCHI WHO DOTH SECRETLY MASQUERADE AS SAILOR MOON!!!"
Cassandra facehoofed. This would be the last time Luna was allowed to go outside on her watch.
"Hey you look sad Serena, what's the matter?" asked Cassandra, who was better at reading emotional cues because she was smarter at frienshop than everypony.
"I got a 30 on my math test" she said with a sulk.
"It's ok" said Applejack comfortingly, "yer in good company."
"To be fair" said Cassandra, "a Japanese 30 is at least an 85 by Ponyville standards."
"That may be true," said Serena, "but my mom said I couldn't read comic books anymore because they're bad for my brain. Can you help me convince her otherwise?" Everypony looked at Cassandra expectantly.
"No." said Cassandra, "because I agree with her. Comic books are bad for you." They all gasped. "I'm sorry but school is important. I cannot compromise my beliefs just because it's the popular opinion. It's led to my having a dark past, but it had to be done, the fate of Equestria was at stake."
"Oh Cassandra!" exclaimed Rarity "i cannot fathom what came over me to make me behave like such a brute"
"I can. It's called peer pressure. It's when you feel compelled to agree with a group of ponies you see as your equals. I'm immune to it because I consider all of you beneath me.
"Well I'm glad we have somepony as awesome as Cassandra," said Rainbow Dash, "otherwise we'd never get saved!"
“Speaking of saved” said Serena, “I need you to help me defeat the evil queen Beryl”
“Well if she’s a barrel, why not just wail on ‘er with a crowbar?” suggested Applejack
“No Applejack, beryl, not barrel” said Cassandra.
“Wow! Your knowledge of mineralogy is simply divine!” said Rarity, swooning and wishing that hers could one day come close to being as great as Cassandra’s.
Then Queen Beryl came down and said “Ahahaha! I’m goign to take the humans’ energy!”
“Not if I can help it” said Serena. She transformed into Sailor Moon. “Moon Tiara MAGIC!!!” She threw her tiara at the evil queen, but it bounced off harmlessly.
“Hyuck hyuck hyuck” chuckled Applejack, “she’s more useless than a pear seed in an apple orchard!”
Cassandra smacked Applejack in the back of the head with her hoof, “Sailor Moon paved the way for female superheroes to have a place in western media. Show a little respect!”
“THIS SHALT NOT STAND, EVIL KNAVE!!!” said Luna. She charged at Beryl with her horn glowing, and shot a black beam. However, the evil queen fired an evil ray that was more powerful, and Luna fell dramatically with her horn smoking, as her crown clattered to the ground.
“Oh my goodness!!!” exclaimed a new voice. They all turned to see a small black cat with a crescent moon on its forehead. “Luna!” exclaimed Cassandra, “How are you doing?”
“Same old, same old, can’t complain.”
“Hey you mind if I call you ‘Useful Luna’ to help differentiate you from *ahem*?” She glanced at the still-unconscious Moon Princess.
“Go right ahead.” said Useful Luna.
“We need your feline instincts and fast.” said Cassandra
“You must unleash your secret power” said Useful Luna.
“Very well. I had hoped for it not to come to this, but I must.”
“What is she talking about?” said Rarity.
“I have a secret” said Cassandra,“Serena isn’t the only one here with a secret sailor identity. You see, I am the long-lost Sailor Scout, Sailor Earth!” She donned her sailor outfit, “Most Sailor Scouts have to draw their powers from distant planets, millions and millions of miles away. But because I am Sailor Earth, I can tap right into it, and that makes me the most powerful superhero that ever lived!” With one swipe of her perfect mane, she destroyed the evil Queen Beryl.
Pinkie chimed in, “Looks like we put you...over a barrel!!”
Cassandra groaned, “not you too.” Everypony else laughed because they had a lowbrow sense of humor.
Tuxedo Mask was despondent because even though he was handsome and suave and melted Serena’s heart with his charming grin, he didn’t get to save the day.
“Hey don’t feel down on yourself, Deus ex Maskina” assured Cassandra, “I have something that’ll make it up to you.” The portal to Equestria opened, and Cassandra beckoned for him to follow. “Gimme a hand with Useless Luna” she said, hoisting the blue alicorn onto her back.”
“What in the name of **** is a hand?” said Rainbow Dash.
They emerged from the other side of the portal, and were joined by a stallion wearing a mysterious white mask. His coat was a mixture of black to match his black tuxedo, and red to match his signature red rose. Naturally, he was an earth pony, for his propensity to a flower.
“So glad you could join us, Pony Tuxedo Mask” said Cassandra, “you’re more handsome than I could ever imagine.”
“I knew I had to have you from the moment I met you, and now it doesn’t have to be weird anymore” he said. The embraced and kissed.
Luna began to regain consciousness, “Did...didst we embarrass thou?” she asked Cassandra.
The Mane 7 traveled to Earth 1912 to stop the sinking of the Titanic and unite the lovers beggar Jack and the wealthy Kate Winslet Rose.
"Remember everypony, we're here to interfere as little as possible" said Cassandra, "never forget the butterfly effect."
"That's when a butterfly lands on a nose and affects your sneezing right?" said Applejack,
Cassandra felt a migraine coming on - some would call her flawless, but in actuality, she had a serious kryptonite: stupidity.
"Alright everypony, y'all heard th' lady!" instructed Applejack, "be on th' lookout fer butterflies! They're tryin' ta kill yer grandpa so that you never get born!"
"Applejack, that's not even in the same ballpark as-"
"AAAAAH! BUTTERFLY!!!" she swatted at it wildly.
"Applejack, that is not a butterfly, that it our friend Fluttershy's cutie mark."
"Oh, heh. Sorry Fluttershy, ah just got scared at th' thought of there bein' no more apple pie, an' apple crisp, an' apple fritters an' apple brown betty, and ah dunno how anypony could live without that."
"How indeed? Now, I only have enough first class tickets for two ponies..."
"Oh no" said Twilight, I was unable to decide when I faced a similar circumstance."
"I'm just kidding, I have enough for all of you."
The ponies settled in to their luxurious cabins, which Cassandra had acquired for them using her royal connections.
"Now remember, being allowed outside is a privilege, not a right," warned Cassandra, "so behave yourselves."
"Has anypony seen my hairbrush?" asked Fluttershy.
"Woof" said Winona, holding the hairbrush in her mouth, tail wagging. Fluttershy often walked her when Applejack was too busy pounding Braeburn or just forgot to.
"Oh thank you, Winona!" exclaimed Fluttershy.
"You know there's something you should know, so I'm gonna tell you so..." replied Winona with a rap song.
"Ah taught her that trick!" beamed Applejack
"That's wonderful Applejack" replied Cassandra sarcastically, "you get to stay locked in your room while the rest of us go to a party.
Cassandra gave each of her friends a monocle and top hat to help them blend in. "Now might be an opportune time for a mustache." She gave Pinkie a fake mustache.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Pinkie Pie, "there is meritorious humour in appearing to have facial hair when you don't! That joke is so funny I can't believe I didn't think of it!"
"Hush now Pinkie, there's our target." Cassandra pointed at Kate Winslet rose, who was standing across the room looking dower because she did not want to marry the man she was going to marry.
Twilight approached her, "Hello Rose, I understand that you're sad. Is it because you have nothing to look forward to except a loveless marriage with emotional entrapment and unfulfilling sex?"
Rose's face turned a shade of bright scarlet rose. "Excuse me???"
"Twilight! You can't just go up to a lady and talk like that!" scolded Cassandra, "Rose, please excuse my friend here. She's read a book on everything except how to conduct herself in public. But you shouldn't trap yourself in a loveless marriage. I'll cast a spell to invent feminism. It'll take about seven years to work." Seven years later, women got the right to vote. Seventy-seven years later, a new dollar coin was minted with Cassandra's face on it.
"You know, you're right Cassandra. I shall go to Hockley and tell him how I truly feel. Erm, is your dragon eating my necklace?"
Spike was on the floor, chomping away at the Heart of the Ocean, "What?" he asked, sparkling gem crumbs on his face, "I've seen what happens at the end of the movie. If you aren't gonna appreciate this gem, somebody should."
"The dragon has a point." said Cassandra. Next, they went to visit Jack in third class.
"Well howdy there pardner, mah name's Jack too." said Applejack.
"Is that right?" said Jack, unimpressed and equivocal of the pony in the Stetson, "remind me to get my name changed when we hit land."
"There are more pertinent issues right now darling" said Rarity, namely that you must cavort with Rose posthastely."
"Rarity he don't know what them big fancy words mean" said Applejack
"Actually I do. But if you're suggesting that I marry into money then my answer is get stuffed. Money doesn't buy happiness."
"Ah hear that, pardner, we're like two peas in a pod. Mah family's poor, but we're plenty happy, an' we laugh all th' time. Applebloom tells th' best jokes like 'if we made more cider we'd make more money' hyuck hyuck hyuck!" she laughed.
"Oh my god" said Jack, "is that what I'm going to be like when I turn twenty three? Thank you Applejack, you've inspired me to take my life in a completely different direction."
Jack went up to the first class lounge. The lounge singer got tonsillitis, so Cassandra filled in and sang "My Haeart Will Go On" except in in her voice it didn't make everyone's ears bleed. Also she cured the lounge singer's tonsillitis.
"Excuse me sir, you don't belong here" said one of the douchey aristocrats. Cassandra glared at him. "C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-Cassandra, I spoke out of turn, I'm so sorry! I didn't know he was with you! Please don't exact your fully justified vengeance upon me" he simpered.
"Since I have level 99 forgiveness, I will let this pass. But watch yourself." He was bowled over by Cassandra's mercy. Jack approached Kate Rose and they talked for awhile, then Jack walked back over to Cassandra
"She wants me to draw her like one of her french girls." he said.
"What, wearing a beret?" asked Twilight.
"Wonderful!" said Cassandra "that sort of intimacy will solidify your relationship in no time!"
Jack pulled out his sketchpad, "I drew this while I was watching people board the titanic. Tell me what you think."
"Welll" said Applejack, "as th' Element of Honesty ah gotta say... This is one of th' best drawings ah've ever seen! Heck ah can hardly tell if th' ship we're on or th' ship in th' picture is th' real Titanic!"
"In spite of being a pegasus, I do know some magic" said Cassandra, "I can cast a spell to take control of your hands while you draw."
"And ah bet yer lookin' forward ta seein Jack's girlfriend in th' buff" said Applejack, eyes half-lidded.
Cassandra whacked her in the head with her hoof, "how can you make jokes at a time like this? The Titanic's about to hit an iceberg!"
Whaddya mean th' swimmin' pool is closed???" demanded Applejack, "that's horseapples!"
"I'm sorry m'am" said the attendant, "but you'll have to come back later."
"Well ferget you then! ...Wait a minute! Ah don't need th' swimmin' pool, we're on a ship, there's water everywhere!" She dived off the side of the ship, "Biscuits n' gravy!!!!"
She hit the water and died of hypothermia 5 seconds later.
Using her level 99 multitasking, Cassandra continued to telekenetically draw while racing towards the helm. "Captain!" she said, "We must change course now! The ship is headed for an iceberg!"
"Scoff!" said the Captain, "Icebergs are a myth, just like global warming! They aren't melting because they never existed to begin with!" Cassandra rubbed her temples as the stupidity began to drain her mana.
"Fine, since you and the glacier cannot coexist, I'm forced to look out for the interests of the smarter one." She flew out to the side of the ship and gave it a might heave. It turned away from the iceberg and everyone was saved! As the ponies were preparing to leave, one of the families came up to the ponies and the father said, "I saw what you did, and I will ensure that the records of you and your friends' heroics are remembered for all time."
"No" said Cassandra, "the world is not ready for us yet, it will cause a paradox. You must tell no one outside your family the truth about this night. Can I trust you to do that?"
"Absolutely. I will guard this secret diligently, or my name's not Lawrence Faust."
House and his doctors were treating a patient. It looked like a case of hypothermia but the patient was in a sauna when it happened.
House was stumped so he called in help from the one person he respected to help him, the brilliant and marvelous Cassandra.
"Wow, I can't believe we're talking with the real live Elements of harmony ponies," gushed 13, "they cured my depression . I was self diagnosed with depression."
"What do you have to be depressed about?" asked Twilight,
"I'm bisexual" said 13. Everyone except Cassandra was repulsed, because she was bisexual too, and she knew the pain and suffering all too well from her dark past. But like 13, she fought through it and graduated magna cum laude from Equestrian doctor school. Then she got bored of it and completed the rest pf the doctorate programs and got A plusses on everything.
She decided to reward 13's bravery by curing her Huntington's. then she addressed the rest of them, "It's not acceptable to be intolerant of bisexuals. You're haters and that's bad." They were glad they had Cassandra to teach them this valuable lesson. they all agreed that they should try to be more like Cassandra.
"Crikey mate I'm as happy as a kangaroo playin' a didgeridoo in the billabong" said Chase.
"Huehuehue, British people talk funny," chuckled Applejack.
"He's not British, you culturally unrefined hillbilly" said Cassandra. House was impressed at how brutally honest Cassandra could be.
Dr. Wilson poked his head in. "Cassandra, I heard you have the cure for cancer. Will you share it with me?"
Cassandra's face darkened, "James, you've reminded me of another bleak chapter of my dark past. It's true, I discovered the cure for cancer and eradicated all forms of cancer from Equestria. But there were consequences. Millions of oncologists like yourself were put out of work. They called for my execution. I was forced to flee the palace and leave all my friends. I had to settle for a less idyllic town and worse friends." Everyone in the room looked grim, it was true, Cassandra deserved better friends than present company, especially Applejack. They all admired how good Cassandra was at dealing with adverse circumstances.
Foreman came bursting through the door, "The patient's gone into cardiac arrest!"
"Did you run a Fluid After Kidneys Exam?"
"Yeah, it came back negative."
"What about administering 45 cc's of Motrin Augmented Depsotkote Ether under pancreas?"
"Yeah, but then the patient began to reduce heart rate."
"Then there's only one solution," said Cassandra, "a nasal oncology test... respiratory emergency arterial lobotomy"
"Collective gasp!" said everyone, "that's much too risky."
"It's the only way" said Cassandra firmly, "you must trust me, for I am the seventh element of harmony, trust."
"Stop right there!" said Cuddy, aka the fun police.
"Move it, Doctor Do-Nothing!" yelled Cassandra, justifiedly smacking Cuddy out of the way. The pestilent woman crashed into a skeleton, breaking the hand bones.
"God dammit Cuddy!" yelled Lyra. Cuddy was sorry that she sucked so much.
Cassandra rushed into the ER with the other doctors following behind.
"Oh no," said Masters Degree or whatever that new girl's name is, I don't know I stopped watching around Season 6, "House can't run fast enough to get here" We need someone to do the operation now!"
"Step aside" said Cassandra, "I will perform the operation." The other ponies fainted at the sight of blood but Cassandra was brave and completed the operation and saved the patient's life!
Cassandra won the Nobel Prize in medicine, to the shock of many. "This is preposterous!" exclaimed the chairman, "I can't believe what I'm seeing! The Nobel prize being awarded to a woman???"
Applejack ran in excitedly, "hey look y'all! They have free drinks in th' toxicology lab!" she showed them a bottle with a skull and
crossbones label, "this must be pirate rum! Ah hope it tastes like apple cider!"
The day was saved and it was time for the Mane 7 to go home. "So Greg," said Cassandra, the only person that House let address him by his first name, "what're you going to do now?"
"I'm going to try curbing my Vicodin addiction for the millionth time. Then I'm going to confess my deep seated love to Cuddy. Then I'm going to jump my bike over a shark pool."
Cassandra brought the ponies to the year 2009 to help Captain Phillips. Since pirates were involved, a pony outside the Mane group insisted on coming.
"I'm Pip th' pyrate! I sail th' seven seas for buried business or pleasure!"
"Say what?" said Rainbow Dash
"Pip is a cockneigh pony, and he uses rhyming slang," explained Cassandra, "business and pleasure means treasure."
"Thank ya for helpin' me delivah my goods" said Captain Phillips, with his totally not fake and extremely convincing New England accent, "we gotta get this shipment of baked beans an' clam chowdah to a shipyahd in the ha'bah in Mombassah.
"Look at those dolphins!" exclaimed Fluttershy, pointing to the aft deck, where two skiffs were rapidly approaching.
"Fluttershy, those aren't dolphins, they're pirates!" exclaimed Cassandra.
"Oi! We over 'ere!" called Pip to the two skiffs.
"Pip, honey, get below deck," said Cassandra, "these pirates are mot like the ones you see in Disneigh films, they are very dangerous men."
"There's an easy way ta remember" offered Applejack, "th' white pirates are th' good guys an' th' black pirates are th' bad guys."
"Does anypony else feel a draft?" wondered Cassandra. They all looked confused, "oh, my mistake. It's just the Windago's stirring in their sleep, getting closer to bringing about a second ice age with every racist remark that Applejack makes."
"Can we keelhaul 'er?" asked Pip excitedly.
"Nah, we'll just give her forty lashes."
"is that twenty pairs or just individual hairlets?" asked Rarity.
"Oh Rarity, it's so cute how you can't think about anything but fashion."
"Yeah, it doesn't mean eyelashes" explained Rainbow Dash, " it means...." she had to stop talking because she was drooling so hard at the thought of Cassandra in leather, dominating her with a whip.
"Th' pirates are gettin' out the laddahs!" exclaimed a panicked Captain Phillips., "Aw no, this is worse than th' 1986 World Series!"
"Just stay calm, Phillips," said Cassandra comfortingly, "you got this."
"We gotta get th' daughter Roses goin'!" said Pip
"He's right! Crew, turn up da hoses!" Yelled Captaun Phillips.
Rainbow Dash yelled, "For the last god damn time, we're ponies, not-"
"Hoses, Dash!" yelled back Cassandra.
"Oh. My bad." She opened the valve, and the hoses started blasting water out the sides of the ship
"Well nuts," said Muse, the leader of the pirates, "so much for the plan to set our own boat on fire. Time for Plan B, we use guns." They boarded the ship, and the crew scurried down to the engine room, whilst Cassandra and Captain Phillips stayed above in the control room.
"Ya really don't wanna make Cassandra mad," warned Captain Phillips
"We have 30 thousand in the vault" said Cassandra, "I advise you to take it and leave" said Cassandra.
Muse snorted, "Why would I be scared of a woman? I'm going to ignore your advice." He took his compatriot Bilal with Phillips to search the engine room for anyone hiding downstairs. Cassandra stalled by convincing them to get food from the mess hall. With her level 99 recon, she detected that Pip and Cronan were hiding in there.
"It's dangerous to walk around with bare feet, said Cassandra loudly to Bilal, "you never know what might be on the floor." "What's she talking about?" whispered Cronan
"Ya dense? whispered back Pip, "she's sayin' to spread some Sunday mass on th' floor so tha' the pirate will step on it an' injure 'is Coronation Street."
So they smashed a bottle on the floor, and sure enough, the pirate stepped in the glass and got a nasty cut on his foot, allowing Pip and Cronan to escape to the relative safety down below.
Muse went down to the hold alone, but Pip was a black belt in Krav Maga thanks to Cassandra who managed to turn him into a full fledged warrior with just one lesson. He subdued Muse, and made the rest of the pirates agree to disembark in exchange for Muse's life. However, when they were about to do the swap, Applejack bumbled over saying
"Those forty lashes really smarted! Mah rump hasn't been this sore since th' Apple Family Reunion."
She lost her balance and tripped Captain Phillips, because she is a clumsy pony. Muse seized the moment and grabbed Phillips, pointing a gun at him menacingly.
"New plan. Your captain is coming with us."
"Wait!" said Cassandra, "take me instead! I'm better at piloting lifeboats."
"Hmmm" said Muse, "that is true..."
"No Cassandrah!" cried Captain Phillips, "yaw're moah valuable than anything on this ship."
"Aye," agreed Pip, "it'd break me apple cart if I lost you fo'ever!"
"My decision is made," said Cassandra firmly. They all started crying, but Cassandra held up a hoof to silence them. Without looking back, she boarded the lifeboat, escorted by the four pirates, pointing AK-47's at her. The door shut, and the lifeboat launched. However, instead of speeding away, it just sat still in the water.
"What's going on?" wondered Twilight. Seconds later, the door opened, revealing Cassandra standing victoriously over the four pirates, all of them bruised and tied up.
"I don't mean to sound pompous," said Cassandra to the pirates, "but come on, I'm Cassandra, did you seriously think that would end well for you?"
"You said you weren't going to pull a ruse!" whined one of the pirates.
"True, but honesty is the least important Element." She nodded at Applejack, who had fallen overboard and drowned.
The ponies received Congressional medals of honor for their bravery, and for saving the day with no significant casualties. The other Element Bearers didn't actually do anything, but they were cute, so Cassandra let them pose in the photos with her. Cassandra set up cable TV in Somalia, and watching "My Little Pony" taught the Somalians about the magic of friendship. Within a month, the Horn of Africa was free of piracy, and blooming with peace, love, and democracy. Cassandra had saved the day once again.
Ana walked through the palace feeling lonely. She was sad because her parents had died. Cause of Death: Being a parent in a Disney movie. She nodded to the painting of Joan of Arc, "stay cool, Joan." She sang "do you want to build a snowman" but Elsa didn't want to. Ana was sad again, until she felt a hoof on her shoulder.
"C-cassandra?"
"Yes, it is I. Wipe your tears child." She handed Anna a soft silk handkerchief.
"Thanks, Cassandra. Want some pickled herring and Lutefisk?"
"I'll pass thanks, so what is the problem?"
"Elsa just stays locked in her room all day, even when I ask her if she wants to build a snowman. I feel more down than a penguin caught in an ice fjord."
"Don't worry Anna" said Cassandra, "I'll build a snowman with you."
"Oh, thank you Cassandra! Finally someone who understands how difficult it is to be a princess."
"I know that firsthoof" said Cassandra, "I'm Princess Celestia's long lost sister. I was forced to abdicate the throne because ponies were jealous of how great of a ruler I was." Cassandra used her level 99 diplomacy skills to coax Elsa out of her room.
"Elsa?" exclamed Ana
"Elsa has something she wants to say. Go on, Elsa," said Cassandra,
"I....i.... I didn't want to build a snowman because I felt inadequate next to Cassandra's snowman building skills."
"By the hammer of Thor, Elsa, is that what this was about?" said Ana, "you don't have to beat yourself up over that; no one can measure up to Cassandra's level 99 architecture skills." They hugged. They were lucky to have a friend likeCassandra.
10 Years Later
"This is my fiancée Hans. Don't those mutton chops just make him look trustworthy?" asked Anna.
"Well, in Equestria I've only met one prince, and he was a total scumbag on our date, but a blazing stallion in bed. Since this is the Mirror World, the only logical conclusion is that Prince Hans is the opposite of that."
"Erm yeah you've hit the nail on the head, Cassandra" said Hans nervously.
Applejack eyed him up. "Well as th' element o' honesty mah judgement is.... he's bein' honest."
"We love each other, Cassandra!" insisted Anna."
"Yeah, love is an open morgue - I-I mean door!" added Hans. to Ana, he said, "I would never shut you out. Just in.," as they began their musical number.
"I mean it's crazy" said Ana, "we finish each others'-"
"Sisters' lives" said Hans. "I've never met someone who's tricked so easily."
"Jinx! Jinx Again"
"My mental man-ip-ulation, will lead to your ruination."
"You..."
"Will die"
"It's just meant to be."
"Say goodbye"
"Say goodbye"
"To your sister Elsa. She will not be living anymore."
"Love is an open dooooooooooor. Life can be very shoooooooooort,"
"With you."
"Kill you."
"Love is an open doooo-oo-oor."
Applejack bumped into a suit of armor. "Turribly sorry sir..." she looked up at it and gasped, "Oh mah Celestia, this guy's been frozen by a cockatrice!!!! Sound th' alarm, we got a Everfree forest breach!"
"Hmm she has blonde hair like Elsa, and freckles like me," commented Ana, "you don't think maybe she's maybe related us?"
"By the hammer of Thor, I hope not" said Elsa.
Ana had a big fight with her sister Elsa that led to Elsa revealing her magic ice powers. Elsa fled to the mountains our of shame. Cassandra had given Elsa a singing lesson back when she was little and had a voice like a cat swallowing a banshee. After the lesson, Elsa's singing voice had blossomed into a perfect dulcet as smooth as pure liquid brass. Sadly, she could only sing one song a year, otherwise people would get jealous of her talent. "Let it Go" was the best song ever performed in Arondale, thanks to Cassandra.
"Elsa, it's time to stop throwing a tantrum," said Cassandra.
"Cassandra? By the hammer of Thor, how did you get here so fast?"
"Wings, blondie" said Cassandra, "Applejack didn't survive the climb, but on the plus side, that means I only have to carry one of you down. Now c'mon, hop on my back.
"Well you can just take a hike. Didn't you hear my song, I said 'stay' not 'sway'."
"Is that your final answer?"
"It is."
"All right then. I didn't want to have to do this, but you've forced by hand." Right next to Elsa's castle, Cassandra built her own ice castle, that was twice as big and infinity times as cool as Elsa's. The princess voiced by an actress from "Rent" fell to her knees, the shame of her insignificance too much to bear.
"There, there Elsa" said Cassandra, "being worse than me doesn't mean you're bad, it just means you're normal."
"Y-you mean it?"
"Yeah, now let's get you back home."
"By the hammer of Thor, I'm so glad you're both alive and not dead," said Hans.
"Yeah, sure you are" said Cassandra.
"Elsa, Cassandra!" said Anna, running towards them. She embraced them both in a hug. Hans took this opportunity to draw his sword and raise it above his head. Without even turning around, Elsa and Cassandra simultaneously conjured up icicles and ran them trough his gut.
"Ack" said Hans
"By the hammer of Thor, he was evil!" exclaimed Anna.
"That's right, he was trying to trick you" said Elsa.
Suddenly Ana realized that there weren't any handsome guys for Elsa to have "Oh, I'm sorry he was evil Elsa. Now you don't have a boyfriend."
"It's ok, Anna. Cassandra taught me that it's ok to be single."
"Say, what did you eat when you were up in the mountains?"
"Snowcones" said Elsa, conjuring one up.
"You know, if you sold those in Canterlot, you could make a fortune off of Princess Celestia's consumption alone," said Cassandra. Then she turned to Anna, "Since you learned a lesson today, I'm going to unfreeze your heart," said Cassandra. She conjured up a spell, and a sense of warmth washed over Ana as her white hair turned back to red.
"Oh thank you Cassandra!" said Anna, "now I can get married with Kristoff. I've known him for about 2 more days than I knew Hans, but this time, I'm sure it's not infatuation."
Cassandra was in Canterlot to represent Equestria in a universe summit, when a portal opened, and a slender ice-blue unicorn with a golden mane stepped through.
"Pony Elsa!" said Cassandra, "have you come to sell snowcones?"
"Well that, and to thank you for saving my kingdom. I wanted to reward you with some practice kissing. Will you warm up my icy cold lips? she asked with here eyes half-lidded.
"I have a soundproof chamber in my bedroom," said Cassandra, "you can sing to me without anypony hearing... or make other noises, depending on where the night goes."
"Ooh, by the hammer of Thor, you're naughty" giggled pony Elsa, "don't make me wait another second!" She was practically dragging Cassandra along, "there's no time to lose, Cassandra! We have to hurry before I get a love interest in Frozen 2!"
