Muscle Cars and Dubstep, Oh My!
Princess Celestia was sitting in her throne room working through various building contracts, tax claims and various other paperwork that was on her "to-do" pile for today. She would have gotten most of this work done if she wasn't so busy with the planning of her star-students coronation when it was normally done.
She thought for a moment. How long ago was that? Three, four weeks ago? Time flies when you aren't planning for something. It seems like yesterday that Twilight first enrolled in the Academy.
Her little nostalgia trip was interrupted as the throne room doors were thrown open.
"Princess Celestia!" The guard shouted.
She brought her head from out of the papers to look at the guard. Panic was spread across his face. His pupils were mere pin-pricks as he quickly stopped to bow before the princess.
"Rise, guardspony. What is happening?"
"S-Sombra, your majesty! He's back!"
Celestia rose from her throne. Concern and bewilderment danced across her face.
"What? But Twilight said that he was destroyed!"
"Confirmation came from the Crystal Guard. Worse yet is that he has an army at his disposal. We have also received word from the Empire that he is ready to strike at a moments notice."
Celestia thought for a moment. She can't inform the public. If she did there would be panic. If there was panic then Sombra would capitalize on it and attack.
"Send word to the generals; Evacuate the northernmost villages and cities. If anypony asks just say that there is a massive snowfall coming from the Empire and that Cloudsdale can do nothing about it until it has passed. Get the guard out there to defend our northernmost positions."
"But what about-"
"Do as I say, guardspony."
The earth-pony quickly turned and galloped out.
Equestria hasn't seen war in nearly three thousand years. The only one who could stop this from escalating was long gone. Vanished without a trace. What pained her dearly was that it was a close friend.
She sighed and brought out a parchment and hastily scribbled.
Dear Twilight Sparkle...
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Two Days Ago...
Pierce Washington isn't made for this line of work. Way back when there was a time where he didn't have scour a database and find where the captive races in the Zin mother-ship were originally from. He was made for the high-life. Girls, free drinks, and all the karaoke that his vocal chords could muster.
That was before The Boss ran for president, them getting abducted by aliens, Earth getting destroyed by said aliens and losing his prized Broken Shillelagh 80's Sitcom Trivia Contest trophy.
He sighed. He missed that kind of life.
As he was reminiscing while idly scrolling through the list of captives he came across an unusual listing.
"Starswirl the Bearded? Shit, that sounds like some whacked out porn star name." he joked to himself.
His curiosity was piqued as he selected the name.
What he found was interesting to say the least. A horse with a horn and, as it said on the label, bearded.
It jogged his memory however.
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Back when the Syndicate picked a fight with the Saints there was a little kerfuffle In Stilwater where the Luchadores blew up The Hughes Memorial Bridge and blamed it on the Saints. The Special Tactics Anti-Gang (or STAG for short) was sent in to clean up the gangs in Steelport. Suffice to say there came a three-way war throughout the city. The apex of which took place in the National Guard training base.
"Uh, guys? We might die here. Anything you want to get off your chest?" Pierce called out to his companions after taking cover behind a STAG vehicle.
"If Kinzie were here I would pour my heart out for her!" The giant Russian pin-cushion named Oleg that was currently using a Luchador as a football had said.
"What!?"
"It's rare that I find an intellectual equal!"
"What about you, Boss?" Pierce then asked.
"I COLLECT GLASS UNICORNS!" Shouted the boss after smacking one of Olegs evil-yet-dumber genetic clones with a giant... lets just call it the Penetrator and move on.
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Peirce sent it to his little data-pad and walked to The Bosses quarters. Along the way he got some dirty looks from the Zin guards. Although The Boss was now the de-facto ruler, some of them weren't too happy about it. As he passed them he swore he could hear one of them growling like a dog that was guarding a bone.
Zinjai, Zinyak's former second in command, was sitting at his desk outside The Bosses quarters. The desk was filed with papers that The Boss volun-tells Zinjai to do on a regular basis. He doesn't seem to happy about it either.
"Is she in?"
"I'm afraid that she is rather busy with her... primitive vehicles." He said with slight disgust at the last bit.
"Shit, you know if she heard that you'd be out the airlock in three seconds flat." He quipped. "'Sides, I've got something to show her."
He sighed and pressed the button to open the door. Inside was a two storey room with almost all Zin technology stripped and replaced with a whole manner of purple things, as is the Saints way. Some of the changes included personal hot-tub and sauna in the back corner, queen sized platform bed and a area cut out from the purple rug for The Bosses cars. Next to the car area was a case full of the unicorns that she held so dear to her.
In the drivers seat of the car sat world renown author of Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen. Before Zinyak blew earth into atoms he collected his favourite authors, play writers, musicians and whatever bright minds he could before he invaded. Rather than be afraid of the futuristic technologies that were in the Zin ships, Jane embraced them. She was most curious around The Bosses vehicles and would often pop open the hood to get a look at the engines and with The Boss being a huge fan, she obliged.
"Okay Jane, start it up." She said after a couple of cranks with a monkey wrench.
"Uhm, how do I do that again, exactly?" The famous author poked her head out the window.
"Ugh. Foot down on the brake and turn the key."
The engine tried to start but failed with a whimper.
"Gah, fuck these Zin engines."
"Hey Boss!" Pierce called out.
She looked up. Pierce saw the leopard print on her face and the penetrating green cat-eyes peer right into the very heart of his soul. She wasn't happy. She didn't like people coming in her room. She quickly hit a switch and the unicorn collection section of the wall turned into a bar with complete with Zin bartender.
"Ugh, I thought I told Zinjai to not let anyone in!" she said while grabbing a bottle of Zin-lager. "Puta imbécil! (Fucking imbecile!)" She muttered.
"I thought you wanted to see this, Boss." He explained while passing the data-pad down the bar to her.
She studied the picture for a second. A variety of expressions danced across her face. First being confusion, then to comprehension and finally pure unbridled joy but then confusion again.
"Is this..?" Her mouth hung.
"I thought you'd be happy to see this."
"Believe me I am, but still. I thought Zinyak stole people then destroyed the planets they come from. It says here that, what the hell is it..." She adjusted her hipster-glasses to focus. "Equis? Anyway, it says that it's perfectly untouched."
"I didn't get it either. Anyway, he's still locked up in a simulation that was on a separate grid from ours. Want to bust him out?"
She slammed back the bottle and got up. "Well we need some more people actually liking us for once right?"
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Kinzie Kenzington was furiously typing away on a keyboard, trying her hardest to crack into the Zin Time Travel Device. Despite her best efforts it was impossible to get to any of the star dates that were crucial to stopping the destruction of Earth. No matter what changes to the code she made it would revert without a password. Any attempt to make a password guess would result in the device being rendered useless. Even the passwords are on a DNA accessible card but if the subject that it was programmed for is dead then the card would be wiped.
After trying for the twelfth time she gave up. It was impossible to recreate the device without the proper parts. She asked the Zin scientists that made the device and they said that they had to mine several planets to the bone to make those parts. Even that took several years to do.
She sighed. At least they were able to get most of their belongings. Even if the past selves turned the entire city of Steelport upside down trying to look for the people who stole them.
"Hey Kinz'! Fire up those hacking appendages, we got someone to bust!" The Boss poked her head in through the revolving door to Kinzies "Inner Sanctum."
"What? How is that possible? After crashing yours it should have opened up the rest!"
"Separate grid. At least that's what Pierce said. No lo sé (I don't know)..."
She got up and grabbed her laptop.
"I swear this one better not be the 50's sitcom place again..."
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The gang was all here. The murdering psychopath that was Johnny Gat was sitting on a crate cleaning his pistol while Kinzie and her ex-rival-but-still-pissed-off-at Matt Millar were pecking away at keyboards. Shaundi was sitting and chatting with King and Asha. Keith David was nowhere in sight, the same with the robotic A.I. named CID. Silence filled the room when The Boss stepped in.
"Okay, listen up people!" The Boss was standing on a crate next to the neural-seat overlooking the rest of the group. "I have no fucking clue as to what constitutes an aliens worst nightmare, right? So I need everyone ready to act at a moments notice. Matt, you help Kinzie with the whole simulation hacking thing, ¿De acuerdo? (Okay?) Gat, King and Shaundi, you guys are on standby. If shit gets real, I need you in there."
"What about me, Boss?" Pierce put his hand up.
She forgot about Pierce. "Uh... You, um.... I think CID has something for you to do."
"I can't come in with you guys?"
"Well you've done a great job in getting the other races acquainted with ours I thought you would want something other than simulation crap."
He folded his arms and rolled his eyes. "This is about the Paul thing, huh?"
Ah yes, Paul. The giant Saints Flow induced nightmare that plagues Pierces sleep. Several nights were ruined when they all heard Pierce screaming "OH GOD, PAUL IS COMING! SAVE ME!"
"Well I don't want you to have more nightmares. So you know what? I think that this is a good thing." She said while jumping down and into the chair.
He had a look of dejection on his face. "So I get to sit around with CID doing nothing?"
"Fine, If it gets really hairy you can come." The restraints were starting to go into place but she stopped them to point at Pierce. "But you better not have any nightmares!"
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The swirl of the portal spat out The Boss onto the ground face first.
"Ow..." She grunted in pain. Even though the pain wasn't real the simulation made it pretty convincing. Even the dirt that was currently occupying a bit of her mouth tasted real enough.
She spat it out and pulled herself up to her feet and looked around. She was in a forest clearing with a path heading into a break towards a road. She took a breath to smell the untainted air. It was a nice break from the musty spaceship she commanded. She almost missed the simulation a bit.
"Kinzie, do you read?"
"Yeah, Boss. Loud and clear."
"Okay, so where is this Starswirl guy at?"
"He should be about an hour away."
"Really? I'm guessing that I don't have my powers do I?"
"Sadly no but that reminds me, your cut down version of the power armour is ready."
"Ooh, does it fit under clothes like I wanted? I mean the armoured up one is cool and all but it really cha- " She was giddy again before Kinzie cut her off.
"You'll see later, but for now..." keyboard clacking was heard over the comms. Directly in front of the boss there was a swirling red circle that was slowly moving upwards. An object was slowly being constructed as it raised. First was black rubber wheels, then the undercarriage, frame, metal plating and the rest.
The completed object was a purple muscle car. There was a soft purple under-glow illuminating the grass around it. She couldn't see the inside of the vehicle due to the dark tint on the grass. As soon as it was done being constructed the engine started and the door popped open, beckoning for her to enter.
"Oh Kinzie, I love you sometimes."
"What are the other times?"
"Confusion and sometimes light hatred towards you."
"It's one of the better reactions."
She sat on the leather seat. It was just like the one she was working on. She gave a quick press of the pedal to hear the engine roar.
"Oh, I missed you so much."
"Done masturbating now?"
"Yeah, lets go find him..." She said dejectedly.
She put it in gear and sped off. She looked around to find herself on a dirt road in the countryside. The grains of wheat were blowing in the wind as she drove by. It kind of reminded her of her presidential campaign through Nebraska. The only exception being there were things that caught her eye. Such as the giant city looking like cloud on the horizon.
"Hey Kinz, do you see that weird cloud over there?"
"I am getting strange readings from it. Matt will update you with what the scans find."
"How come I get to do the boring work?" Came the teenage sounding Brit.
"Well after CID showed me the picture of me... well you know, I would think that this would be the start of your punishment."
"Oh god- CID! I swear if you show my private stuff to other people one more time-!"
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After arriving at some sort of rural town she stepped out of the car and headed in. From first looks it was absolutely deserted. The only thing around was another one of the aliens race. The thing was fizzling and changing from different colours. Even the gender and appearance was rapidly changing. At first it had a horn, next it had wings, wings and a horn and then nothing.
"Uh, Either one of you know what is happening to it?"
"I think this is one of the testing simulations. That cloud thing you saw earlier is apart of the sky-box. No way to reach it. And that thing you're looking at is just a placeholder for something." Matt explained.
"The sky... What?"
"It's best you don't try to explain. I've tried." Kinzie chimed.
The Boss rolled her eyes and continued through town. The stands and stores in the market district were completely deserted save for two more spazzing-out programs. Glued onto the walls of some buildings were posters.
"Starswirl Appreciation Day..." She read aloud.
"And remember, my subjects; Everyday is Starswirl Appreciation Day!" Came a regal sounding voice out of nowhere.
"What the- "
A giant mob of screaming aliens came screeching out of the alleyways like a crowd of tweens at a boy-band concert. If the boss hadn't been at the side of the street she would have been trampled to death.
"Okay where are those going?"
"Setting up the marker... now."
The end point was just around the block. She sprinted after the crowd to find a even greater mob surrounding a tree. Upon closer inspection the tree looked like a house. The door seemed like a no go as the mob is blocking the ground level.
"Kinzie, do you see any way in there?"
"Not that I can see. You might have a better way in through the window.
She snuck around the back and began climbing. It kind of reminded her of her time in kindergarten. Before the whole...
She shook her head. It was a long time ago and it didn't matter. Not now, not ever.
The balcony door burst open to a cranky and old looking alien. He was grey with a wizard hat and robe on his back. The Boss was hanging just out of sight to the crowd and to the thing on the balcony.
"Blast you all to damnation! Can't you see that I don't want you ponies here!?" it yelled at the crowd.
"WE LOVE YOU, STARSWIRL!" A member cried out.
"I WANT TO HAVE YOUR FOALS!"
The Boss shuddered. She saw what one of the races had for pornography. What she saw required three days straight of booze and cough syrup. She did not want to know what this races mating rituals were.
"Fools, all of them..." It walked back in and closed the door.
"Maldición... (Damn...)" She pulled herself up onto the balcony.
He didn't seem to be anywhere in sight but as she opened the door a blast of energy caught her off guard and sent her crashing into a bookshelf and slumped on the ground.
"Gah!" She quickly pulled her pistol out of the void it was housed in and pulled the receiver back.
"I don't know who or what you are but if you take another step closer I will send you into oblivion!" The bearded alien shouted with horn lit up.
"Ow... How did he do that?"
"I did some research and apparently the ones with the horns can perform transmutations, levitation and other such things." Matt explained.
"Who said that?! Show yourself!" He sent another blast near The Bosses head.
She raised the pistol at it. "Hey! You do that one more time and I swear to god I will blow your head clean off!"
"Boss, what are you doing?!" Matt yelled.
"Ha! Like that chunk of metal is going to do anything-"
She quickly shot at a bookshelf next to him and brought it back to level. The bookshelf had a sizeable chunk of the wood missing and several books were now mere shreds of paper.
"...to me" it gulped and de-powered his horn.
"Okay, I think you made your point." Kinzie said "Look, what's his name?"
"Starswirl." They both said unanimously.
"Starswirl, you're locked away in a alien spaceship. The person who kidnapped you is dead and the person who has a gun pointed at your head is the one who did it." The boss gave a little wave. "You're in a simulation based on your worst fear. None of this is real and we're here to get you out."
"How do I know this isn't a trap?"
"Because have you ever seen a human before?" The Boss put away her gun and crossed her arms.
He pondered a moment and finally shrugged. "Well if it can get me out of this nightmare then fine."
The cheering and hollering started to sound more zealous from the inside. The downstairs door was being slammed by the outside crowd to gain entrance.
"Uh, do they normally do that?"
"Yes and I have to run to the next building, then to the next and the next... Sometimes they get hold of me and I wake up in bed. The cycle repeats! It's maddening!" He threw his hooves up "I never wanted to be famous and what happens when I try to make magic spells? This!"
The wood was audibly cracking at this point.
"I think we should move." She looked at the stairway that was slowly filling with more screams of joy.
"Good idea."
They both ran towards the balcony and jumped out. Despite Starswirls age he was nimble. Landing without effort while the boss had a hard landing. She was too used to the soft landings her powers gave her in her simulation.
"Come on! We need to get to the end of town!" Starswirl yelled out.
She picked herself up and ran away from the mob that was chasing them.
"COME BACK, STARSWIRL!"
"How about no, you pendejos! (assholes!)" The Boss yelled at them.
The stampede stopped. They all looked at The Boss with the same dead eyes like in her own simulation.
"Dios mío (oh god), not this again." The Boss muttered.
"Such foul words."
"We don't use that language in Equestria..."
"You must be punished..."
They kept on running but they now encountered resistance on every turn. The glitching aliens were actually providing more of the fanatics that kept on chasing them. They reached the center of town to find that all avenues were blocked by mobs of aliens.
"Now what!?" The Boss yelled.
"I'm trying to pull you guys from it but there's a program that isn't letting me." Kinzie was furiously typing away. "I don't know what it is but keep fighting!"
"Oh no, Pegasi!" Starswirl cried as a winged alien came close to taking out them both. They both ducked and caused the thing crash into the ground.
The Boss pulled out two pistols and began firing away into the charging mobs. They were sent flying as the bullets exploded on impact.
"BACK OFF!" She hissed and kept on firing.
Starswirl was holding his own. Whatever ability he was using was taking the things out left and right, taking out the flyers before they were able to dive bomb either Starswirl or The Boss.
Even though there was a sizeable chunk in the numbers of charging aliens they kept on coming.
"I don't think we're going to last to long here!" She called out.
"I agree! Do you have a way out?"
"Kinzie!"
"Something is keeping me from pulling you two out. I'll keep searching, just hold on!"
They kept on coming. No end in sight. She looked at the pistols she was firing. Not enough firepower.
"Matt, can you bring in the 'Special' weapon?"
"The Penetrator?" He asked with a little bit of dread in his voice.
"No! God no! The Music Gun!"
"Oh." More keyboard clacking was heard and a purple arms-crate with a fleur-de-lis on the lid appeared via red circle.
The Boss quickly ran to the crate and pulled out the gun. It was pink with purple racing flames. Several of the knobs and turntables were already spinning. This was her pride and joy.
She aimed the gun and held down the trigger. The sliderbars slowly slid to the top of the spectrum and the record started to spin. The initial wubs did nothing but pump her up for what was coming next.
The crowds were now dispersing into bits of code faster then ever before. As soon as the soundwaves hit the targets they were blown into a million pixels. She swept the weapon left and right, dispersing the mobs before they were able to even get into the square. She left the flying ones to Starswirl as they fell out of the skies one by one. For the ones that were able to evade the explosives were met with a swift launcher-stock-to-the-knards.
The Boss had a wicked grin. She hadn't felt this good in years. That grin slowly turned into a smile. That smile turned into a giggle, maniacal laughter.
"Take out those buildings! Create a barrier!" Cried Starswirl. Wrestling with a flyer that decided to get up close and personal.
She aimed at the base of the buildings at the end of the streets. The exploding wubs had little resistance against the wood and caused them to fall over. There were a couple of the aliens that were caught in the debris as it tumbled over.
"CONSIGA ALGUNO, BEBE, CONSIGA ALGUNO! (GET SOME, BABY, GET SOME!)" she spat at the now retreating crowds.
As the last building fell she let go of the trigger. The sliderbars had stopped swaying with the beat and the gun now was only humming the drop. Her heartbeat was thumping along to the tempo as adrenalin was pumping throughout her body.
"Huff, huff... WOO!" She threw her hands up in the air in triumph. "Holy shit, Starswirl did you see that? Oh, that was freaking awesome!"
"Uh, Boss? I think you have bigger problems right now."
She looked up to see a figure come crashing down to the earth. It was as black as night and was much taller than the other aliens as they mostly reached her chest in height. This one was two, maybe three feet taller than The Boss. She had hair that shimmered in the breeze that was like looking into the night sky.
"Nightmare Moon..." Starswirl whispered.
"Ah, Starswirl. How long has it been since you and my sister had banished me to my own moon? Three years? ” She then grinned. "We've much catching up to do."
"Retrocede! (Back off!) He's mine and we're getting the hell out of here."
Nightmare paid no attention to the gun pointed at her head. She turned to Starswirl
"Stay here, Starswirl." Nightmare said. "I will forgive you, help you with the spells and even get those other ponies to leave you alone. Where is that thing going to take you?" she pointed at The Boss with a hoof.
"I... I don't know..." He looked down at his own.
"Exactly."
"Oh don't listen to this crap. You want out of this hell hole, right? She isn't going to give you anything. None of this is real." The Boss retorted.
"If none of this is real then how do you know if she is?" Asked Nightmare.
The bomb had been dropped. "Uh... I..."
"Okay then you guys we're talking about banishing her on the moon. I don't know the specifics about it but I would think it was for a good reason. Her sounding manipulating and all. Now come on, we're going to bring you back to your home planet. Keep that 'Is this real' crap to when you're out."
She grabbed him by the leg and started to drag him away. She stopped when the load got rooted somehow. She looked back to see Nightmare holding onto his hind leg.
"He's staying."
"How 'bout no!"
They started tugging back and forth. Both of them were shouting at each other over who gets to keep him. If anything this was the exact same situation if the other aliens that were chasing them had gotten their hooves on Starswirl.
"Gah! This is getting ridiculous!" Starswirl shouted in-between tugs.
"You're telling me." Kinzie was most likely face-palming behind her screen.
"I think I might have found a way to get rid of her." Matt said as a drop down box appeared in front of The Bosses face. It did little in the ways of deterring her from getting a couple of punches in the way of Nightmare Moon.
>Nightmare Simulation ver. 0.1.2.33481 Zintech EnterprisesTM. ALPHA TEST BUILD DO NOT DISTRIBUTE.
>prisoner_PresidentofUS caused 100 points of damage to ent_bitchy_nightmare
>Enter command:
>spawn ent_troll_princess
>Unknown command
"Wait, troll princess?" Starswirl was able to slightly break the grip over his mouth just in time to dodge a hoof-shot to the gut. Although it did hit The Boss.
>ent_bitchy_nighmare caused 200 points of damage to prisoner_PresidentofUS
>spawn ent_sunraising_princess
> Ah Ah Ah! You didn't say the magic word.
Matt groaned.
>please
A red circle deposited another one of the giant aliens. This one was white but had light coloured rainbow hair. She was completely contrast to the other alien that was standing.
"Ah so you've let my sibling join the show, hmm?"
"I've come to stop you sister."
"Oh that's not cliché at all." Kinzie with her ever-positive attitude.
Nightmare let go of Starswirl to get a look at her own sister. She then lit up her horn and cast down a dark bowl shield.
"Tia, it's been too long. We need t- Guh!"
A swift punch to the face was given to make her tumble to the ground. The boss was quick to jump on and kept pummelling. Nightmare was trying to shove her off but to no avail.
"Let. Us. Out. Of. Here. You. Bald. Piece. Of. OH SHIT!"
A dark ether was enveloping her, lifting her off of the now bruised Nightmare and was slowly contracting around her neck, forcing out whatever air was in her lungs.
"Oh, I don't think so." She chuckled. Two wicked looking black daggers appeared out of nowhere. They were suspended just before The Bosses chest. At least She isn't throwing her around like Zinyak did on Earth.
"Grk... If you even think, *gasp* of sticking me with those..." The Boss hissed.
"Or what?" She smirked.
The Boss pulled an old gangland sub-machine gun up to Nightmares face only for it to be tossed to the side by a dagger.
"Say goodnight, Empress..."
"It's President you sonofa-"
A shattering of glass is heard and the white alien crashed into the dark one. A brutal back-hoof buck to the side. Nightmare recovered from it and fought back exchanging blow after blow. Nightmare gave a devastating crack to her jaw. The white one spat out a bit of blood and wiped some of it off with her hoof, staining her fur around the mouth. They both powered up their horns and started to cast bolts of energy at each other.
The Boss saw all of this while trying to recover her breath after nearly being strangled to death. She saw that Nightmare was too occupied to notice Starswirl charge up his own and shoot it at Nightmare. The bolt hit Nightmare and was levitated into the air while her legs were separated as if she were tied to a cross.
"This ends now!" Starswirl yelled.
The white alien, The Boss and Starswirl stepped up to the immobile Nightmare. On the Bosses face there was only anger and frustration to be had while the others had only contempt.
"Sister, For your crimes against the nation of Equestria, I hereby banish you to exile on the moon."
"Hmph! You knew as well as I that the moon banishing spell only works once."
"Oh, I can help with that!" The Boss yelled at her while pulling out a wooden bat from the void. It was painted the same colours of the American national flag with "All American" burned with craftsmanship onto the shaft.
She got into a batting position and gave two quick swings to line up the shot. She then pointed the bat towards the sky. She then wined up the swing and let lose only for a golden ether to envelop the bat and come screeching to a halt.
"That is unless you come back to me. We can stop this petty squabbling and rule together as a family."
Nightmare looked down at the ground. "N-no!"
"I'm sorry it had to come to this then..."
Her head shot up to look at the white alien. "I meant yes!"
All of them had a perplexed look on their faces. The voice sounded younger and less intimidating then the older body it came out from.
"Shut up you idiotic foal!" Nightmare looked down at her chest.
"I want to be with my sister you meanie!"
"Uh, what's going on?" The Boss looked at the others with a concerned look. It was reflected off of the others as they didn't know either.
"YOU AREN'T ME!" Nightmare shouted to the sky. Just then a burst of light came out of her chest. With it came a hoof, another hoof, a horn and then the rest of the body. The alien was deposited onto the ground where she scrambled to the white one.
"I-I'm so sorry!" Sobbed the smaller of the winged and horned aliens. She came up and hugged the large white alien. "I never meant for any of this to happen..."
"It's okay Luna. It's over..." The white one hugged back.
The reunion was interrupted by the sound of cracking knuckles.
"Look this little happy moment is good and all but we still have a problem." The Boss said while pointing the end of the bat at Nightmare Moon.
"Ah yes..." The white one looked at Nightmare. "Nightmare Moon, have you any last statements before you are banished?" Coming out of the white one it was more of a command then a question.
She looked down again, defeated. "The night will last forever."
The Boss did her wind up again and was able to land the hit right in the stomach, sending her flying towards the moon itself. She was screaming and trying to get her wings to propel her in another direction but to avail. She did go to the moon though. As soon as she hit the skybox she impacted with the image of the moon, turning her into nothing but bits of code.
Starswirl looked at the rain of code. "Hmph..." He turned away without saying another word.
The white one looked at The Boss. "I must thank you for this. I'd never think I would see my sister again if it weren't for you." The smaller blue one nuzzled up against her sister, tears still dripping from her eyes. "Although we could not get Nightmare to come quietly, at least we've gotten the thing that matters the most to me back."
"De nada (You're welcome). If Matt didn't bring you in I wouldn't think we would have survived." She replied putting her baseball bat over her shoulder.
"Oh it was nothing." Matt said.
"Well, I guess you two would want out now, is that correct?" The white one asked.
"That would be much appreciated." Starswirl said. "Thank you, Princess."
A white door popped up out of the ground. Starswirl started to walk into it before he was stopped by The Boss.
"This one's for me." She looked up at the night sky. "Kinzie, he's ready to go."
"Okay but I should outline how you're going feel when you're out. You're going to be dizzy, tired, sick to your stomach and thirsty. When you get out we're going to be able to get you up to speed with coffee, water and slash or a hot meal. I'm going to go with you being a herbivore, right?"
"Yes, I eat plants." He said to the sky.
"Also I should mention that we don't all look like cats, unlike our friend here." Matt said.
"That hurts Matt. You know the eyes weren't my choice."
A red circle appeared below Starswirl. It was slowly enveloping him and would soon deposit his consciousness in his own body. No doubly in some decrepit corner of the mothership.
"See you on the other side." The Boss smiled.
As soon as he disappeared she made her way to the door. She felt a hoof on her shoulder before she went in.
"Before you go could you do me a big favour?"
"If it's sex then I don't swing that way. Human or otherwise." The Boss joked.
"Do humans always do that?"
"No. Anyway, what can I do for you?"
"Since this is just a test simulation and a lot of it is unfinished, could you transfer us all to your old one? I can take over from there."
"Kinzie?"
"I dunno', but we can try."
"There we go." The Boss looked at her.
"Thank you."
The Boss turned away again.
"Wait, could you tell me what your name is?"
She looked back at the white alien. "You first."
"My name is Princess Celestia, my Empress. What is yours?"
"I hate when people call me Empress. From now on it's just President. "The Boss turned away towards the door. "As for my name... not telling you..." She said with a smirk and walked in.
"Wait!" Celestia called after her but it was too late. The door was gone and there was no trace of the person anywhere. "Damn..."
"PRISONER 445, SUBJECT: STARSWIRL THE BEARDED NOW EXITING PRISON SIMULATION 445...." An electronic voice blared over the intercom. The message was repeating to the point of annoyance.
"Ugh, can someone turn that crap off?" Shaundi asked.
"Way ahead of you." Asha said while smashing a control panel. A shower of sparks caused her to recoil in defence. The alarm ceased and a Zin engineer came into the room looking rather angry.
"What in frak are you do-!?"
The Boss, Shaundi and Asha all stared angrily at the engineer.
"I'm so sorry Empress, I thought one of the underlings had damaged the panels again."
"Well one of those things are correct." Asha said, rubbing her elbow.
"Again with the Empress thing. PRESIDENT! I am President and nothing more! ¡Dios mío! (My god!)" She yelled at him while her eyes went to mere slits in anger. The engineer bowed and ran out.
They all looked at the stasis chamber and rushed to Starswirl when he dropped through the bottom. Shaundi wrapped a damp but warm towel around the shivering form to wipe off the nutrient rich goop that covered him. Asha put a bucket in front of him so that he can throw up in it.
"I know this isn't the best of welcomes but welcome back to the real world." The boss said while putting a fingerless-gloved hand out that contained a water bottle. Starswirl snatched it up in his hooves.
"Th-thank you." He sipped the bottle slowly, trying to savour it but soon he was chugging it back quickly.
The Boss was astonished. She was thirsty when she was out but after being stuck in there for three years you'd think that one bottle wouldn't be enough to quench a thirst that big. She handed him another and that was downed in ten seconds.
He looked up after he finished the second bottle. "A-are you two the o-ones that helped me out?"
"Nah, these two are friends though." The Boss started. "I want you to meet Shaundi Jezibel and Asha Odekar. These two helped me out with taking down Zinyak."
"That was his name?" He looked down and scowled. "Three years of work wasted because of him!" He threw up his hooves.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a stormy night when Starswirl was doing the normal routine. Experimentation, study and occasional sleep. Celestia didn't like him up late. It kind of reminded him of his own mother.
"Starswirl, what did I say about staying up this late?" Celestia said in the doorway.
"Not tonight your highness. I'm on the verge of a breakthrough in the magical studies!" he shouted to the ceiling.
"Okay but remember to sleep tonight. I don't need you harassing the servants again."
He scribbled in his notes. A destiny changing spell, that was the purpose. That way when there was ever a time where Nightmare moon were to return it could be used to change her destiny from oblivion back to peace.
He looked at the case next to him. Filled with the artefacts that were used to banish her to the moon. The bearers had all gone their separate ways. Supposedly them being nowhere near the artefacts should let him test the spell.
He muttered the words of power and the colours of the gems changed. Sure the sentence didn't sound like it was structured correctly but the effect seemed to have worked.
A crack of lightning hit a tree and had opened up a window.
"Gah, I told the masons that-"
When he looked out the window a red beam of light enveloped him.
"What in-!"
"Ah, Starswirl... I know this isn't the best of greetings but I'm in a bit of a rush. I need help in a bit of an experiment...."
He then blacked out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"... and the next thing I knew I was being chased around a town. If you ponies didn't come and save me I don't know what would have happened." He was eating a plate of rice and beans. There we're several discarded plates around the table.
"Huh. Also next time just say people" King said.
"So he just abducted you out of nowhere?" Gat put his hand up.
"That's the gist of it." He said swallowing another bite.
"Man that's bullshit. He had to drag out mine."
"Would you mind me asking a question?" Starswirl put down his fork.
"Sure, shoot." Kinzie asked.
"How come I have not seen a lot more humans on this ship?"
Silence filled the room.
"Touchy question?"
"A bit, yeah." Pierce said. "But you meant no harm. Reason is that our home planet got blown to shit."
"Oh... I'm sorry..." He looked down.
"Don't be." The Boss said. "I ripped que hijos de puta (that fuckers) head off, spine and all."
Starswirl being nervous was an understatement. He was terrified. "Hehe... Surely you joke, right?"
"Nope." She pulled out a taxidermied head of Zinyak. On the plaque it read: Bagged: September 2020" and his face was posed to look like he was angry.
"Jesus! You kept it?!" King yelled out.
"What? He was a giant prick and had it coming."
"That's messed man!"
"Fine! I'll get rid of it." She reluctantly threw it in a trash receptacle. The janitor that finds it is going to have nightmares for the next couple months.
The message incoming light came on The Bosses communicator. The brought it up and a holographic screen appeared in front of her face. There was a Zin standing at attention with a Captains uniform on.
"Madam President, we have arrived in orbit around Equis. Shall we begin bombardment?"
"When did I say we were invading?" Ever since she was in charge they still haven't gotten the whole 'We're trying to make friends not enemies' thing "No, get a shuttle ready for two. Starswirl and I will be on first."
"As you command." He nodded.
"You ready to get going?" She asked Starswirl.
"Can't keep the Princess waiting." He said, still a bit shocked from the whole experience.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twilight Sparkle was looking through her telescope. Just like every Tuesday night. Always looking at the stars, wondering if there really was life out there.
She was scanning the skies, looking for anything out of the ordinary. She was always fascinated by space. She was fascinated by anything new, really. Tonight there was something new. A red object appeared out of nowhere.
"What?"
She focused on the object and adjusted the zoom. There seemed to be a purple Fleur-de-lis painted on the side.
"What."
She zoomed in some more and found that there were more appearing in mere seconds.
"WHAT." This was bad, her brother prophesied that aliens would invade. He may have been a fan of Sci-Fi but he took it the next step further. We were all fools for not believing him now. "SPIKE! GET A LETTER!"
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This is a pretty good start. Can't wait to see how things go down in the next chapter.
This, was, awesome. I am eagerly awaiting next chapter!
This is awesome do more!
Yes. This is a good thing.
Just wanted to let you know, the links at the bottom only lead to error pages.
3366992 Uhoh... I guess I better get to fixing
Edit: I think you have to be logged in in order to view it. I'll try to find a work around
Edit 2: You have to be logged in in order to download them anyway. Head to this link and click of the characters tab in order to see them. http://www.saintsrow.com/profile/Cptscrappie#
i wonder how much of an influence a sociopath will have on equis? lol
Well I like were this is going and so far you got the characters personality's right so good luck with this and congrats on being featured.
Well, shit's gonna get down in the next one, that for sure! Fave and like!
(OoC: Didn't read the fanfic, and I don't plan to till I finish the game, but....)
Raven: .............................................. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!
Dr. X: .................. America is doomed.......
Given that the description has all the markings of a shitty HiE fic
, and yet this story has a quite favorable upvote/downvote rating ratio 
, I'm going to go ahead and assume it's awesome 
.
But before I read it, a bit of advice: You should probably have a paragraph towards the bottom of the description talking about the nature of this crossover (including mentioning the name of the franchise in text, not just the picture, so if people are trying to find it using the search function they can.) and whether it is important for people to be familiar with the Saints Row franchise in order to most enjoy this story.
Huzzah! I shall read now!
Congrats on the feature, fellow competition!
And to read later we go!
After reading this, I'm extremely pumped. THIS STORY ALREADY SHITS AWESOME!
Whee!!
Congratz on the feature dude!
There are some minor mistakes, when you speak of the past, outside of dialogues. For example:
Equestria hasn't seen war in nearly three thousand years.
Should be:
Equestria hadn't seen war in nearly three thousand years.
SR and MLP cross!?
surely I must be dreaming! *pinches self* 
ow! Well, I'm not dreaming. I need moar of this. Did you hear me!? MOAR! 
That description spoiled me the end of Saint's Row 4.... oh well.... it wasn't like that wasn't predictable....
YOU
FUCKING
GENIUS
I am saddened that there wasn't more gratuitous violence against Nightmarre Moon, but at the same time, *ahem* SAINTS ROW WHOOP
You know, you should have Starswirl appear last when they arrive just to give Celestia and Twilight a heart attack.
This has potential. On an unrelated note, it also has poorly-translated Spanish.
3367831 (spoilers) the earth was destroyed
3368528 This.
Ok...Well, you got my attention. Keep the awesome coming.
Well, I don't know what's worse, the fact that Zinyak managed to capture Starswirl, explaining his disappearance, or this actually a belivable personal hell for him. But still, nice to see if he is a homie. Magic drive-bys are the best drive-bys!
On a less twisted note, I don't know whether or not I'll feel bad for Sombra. He has a puckish rogue to deal with where mayhem is her forte! I'd feel bad for him if his origin story didn't make him out as a total asshole for no explained reason. At least the Saints' Boss has a reason for their tendencies (being betrayed and blown up by their former mentor Julius made the Boss crazy and the people they deal with are usually evil criminals, corrupt police forces that later turn terrorists, or evil alien empire who blow up planets just because their leaders choose to fight for their freedom). Sombra has no such excuse and I look forward to seeing the Boss top herself with Zinyak's death in killing Sombra.
3368624 What do you expect? I live in Northern Canada and Google Translate is the only thing I have to go off of.
No idea what the hell is happening but I love it.
MOAR!!!
3369087 Fair enough. I have some education in Spanish (nothing to brag about, but enough to get by), and thought it might be poking fun at poorly-translated games.
Now that I think about it, Google Translate might not be well-equipped to deal with expletives.
There are no words that can adequately describe this.....
3369592 Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
3368736
Raven: ........... Why am I not surprised....... Oh, yeah. 'Cause a psychotic sociopath, who happens to be the leader of the strongest and most powerful streets gang in the whole world, more powerful than the former most powerful international Syndicate, somehow became the president of the world's strongest nation! Who the frick thought this was such a good idea?!?!?!
3369654 Uh, it had nothing to do with The Boss. When Zinyak captured him/her, he said if they try to escape he would blow up Earth.
Turns out he wasn't bluffing.
I like this
needs more guts n blood.
All the yes.
I need moar Saints, give me MOAR!
Is there not a tag for MADNESS?
Sweet, this story deserves to be featured and to be continued. Great job, I can't wait to see just what you do next chapter, keep goin and stay golden^^
P.S. The president isn't evil, she's just a puckish rogue.
[youtube=4cb6jdWIdIY]
Needs moar mission complete music.
3371663 OH MY GOD THANK YOU I WAS LOOKING FOR THIS!!!
Well, while I'm happy about a Saints Row crossover, I'm not enthusiastic about Female Voice 3... Or the cat thing.
3371721 My Boss, my rules...
3371501 Never said she was.
3371724 tumut.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdwmonOnBX1r25nnno1_500.gif
3371728
No, but I feel that if she ever got around to describing her deeds to the equestrians, she'd probably be labeled as such.
3369608 I'm not sure yet
3369674
Raven: Is covering his ears LALALALALA!!! NOT LISTENING TO SPOILERS!!!
3372647 I don't think it's spoilers if it happens in the second mission.