Sunset Shimmer was rolling around laughing with her brother in the living room of Daystar Manor.
"Now, now, kids!" said Golden Sun, who was reading a book nearby. "Let's not make a mess of the place!"
"Sorry, daddy!" giggled Sunset. "Red and I were just playing a game!"
"That's right!" said Radiant. "I kinda forgot how to play it, though."
"Well, I'd keep it down a little, you two." chuckled their father. "Your mother really needs her beauty sleep."
"Okay." said Sunset. "Dad, what are you reading?"
"Oh, it's nothing special." said the cream-colored unicorn with the short, curly gold mane. "Just my old copy of Daring Do and the Storm Tower. Would you like to read it with me, honey?"
"Sure, that would be so fun!" said Sunset.
Sunset Shimmer rushed to Golden Sun, who lowered the dusty book for the two of them to read. But Sunset was quickly to scan the pages before she decided that she was done.
"My, you're a fast reader, my dear!" said Golden Sun, adjusting his spectacles.
"Ah, I just remembered that mommy already read it to me last week." sighed Sunset. "I'd like to read something else."
"Well, I'd like to do that, but the next Daring Do novel isn't going to be in stores for a month." said Golden Sun.
"Oh, that just stinks." pouted the young filly.
"Hey, I tell you what?" assured Golden Sun. "Your fifth birthday's gonna be in three weeks. I could pre-order it, just for you, and give it to you as a present."
"That would be cool, I guess." said Sunset, bored. "But still, I want something to read...now!"
"Okay, I'm sure there's something in my study that I could dig out for you." said Sunset's father. "Would you like to come with me?"
"Okay." said Sunset.
"Oh, could I get a book, too?" asked Radiant.
"Radiant Dawn, come up here now!" shouted the voice of Scarlet Blaze.
"Oh, she sounds pretty steamed." commented Golden Sun. "Hey, you'd better see what she wants. I'd hate to keep her waiting."
"Radiant Dawn, get over here!" said the voice of Sunset and Radiant's mother again.
"C'mon, Red, get up!" said the voice of the grown-up Sunset Shimmer, as Radiant Dawn woke up from his dream.
The orange-red stallion opened his copper eyes, and found himself in the compartment of a train that was headed west.
"Are we there already?" asked Radiant.
"No, I just wanted you to be ready for when we do get there." said Sunset. "Also, we're all having lunch in the next car over."
"I have been pretty hungry lately." said Radiant Dawn, acknowledging his growling stomach.
Sunset Shimmer led her brother out of the compartment and into the corridor. After using her telekinesis to shut the compartment door, the two siblings went down to the next car.
"So, what were you dreaming about?" asked Sunset, curiously.
"Our family, when we were still all together." replied Radiant.
Sunset Shimmer put a hoof against Radiant's leg to comfort him.
"Don't worry." she said. "I'm sure they're okay."
The two unicorns went into the dining car, where Lightning Dust, Trixie Lulamoon, Pressure Point, and two Shadowbolts were eating their lunches.
"Sunset, why did you drag me along again?" demanded Pressure Point. "I have a lot of patients to tend to back in Canterlot!"
"Because you owe me for that little incident in the infirmary." said Sunset Shimmer.
"Why, what did my cousin here do?" asked Trixie, eying Pressure suspiciously.
"Oh, it doesn't matter right now." said Sunset. "So, what's on the menu?"
"Most of it has already been eaten." said one of the Shadowbolts.
"But there's still some fruit pies left." said the other.
"Then they're mine!" said Radiant, quickly.
"Oh, and a cheese pizza with five slices left."
"Then I'll take 'em!" Sunset interjected.
When the two quickly finished their lunches, everypony gathered around the middle of the dining car, and decided to discuss their strategy.
"Okay, I checked with the conductor." said Lightning Dust, to the others. "He told us that we're going to be reaching Vanhoover in one hour and twenty minutes. Does anypony know what the bunch of us should do once we--"
Suddenly, there was a loud rustling on the roof of the car.
"What was that?" questioned Trixie.
"Probably the weather." said Radiant Dawn. "Vanhoover is known to have snowstorms every once in a while. No idea why they'd schedule them in such frequency, but..."
Then there was another loud rustling, followed by a bang.
"Sounds like hailstones." commented Sunset Shimmer. "Haven't been in the middle of a hailstorm since I was nine years old."
"Odd, I don't see any hail outside." said Lightning Dust, looking out the window.
"Neither do I." said Pressure Point, looking out the other side. "But there's a lot of snow and ice on the ground. Though I'd chalk that up to the colder climate of the area."
"I don't hear the noise anymore, it must've blown over by now." said Sunset. "So let's get back to planning, shall we?"
"Right." said Radiant. "Sunny, there's a carriage system that could take us straight out into Vanhoover's countryside. From there, we should be able to walk back home to Daystar Manor."
"First, I think we should take a look around Vanhoover itself, to try and find any leads on those Changelings." said Sunset. "Pressure and Trixie should come with me."
"Right behind you, Sunset." nodded Trixie.
"If I must, then I will do the same." said Pressure Point, reluctantly.
"Red, you and the Shadowbolts will make sure that the local garrison of royal guards are all aware of the presence of Changelings in and around their city."
"Right." nodded Radiant Dawn.
"Got it, boss." said Lightning Dust, before turning to the other two Shadowbolts. "You ready, boys?"
"Yes, ma'am." said the two Shadowbolts simultaneously.
Suddenly, the clattering resumed again.
"What in the hoof is that noise?" Sunset questioned, annoyed.
There was a smash of glass in the next car, and the sound of raised voices. There was a zap-zap noise, and several panicked shouts before the door that led into the dining car opened up with telekinesis.
"We're under attack!" shouted the voice of an unseen passenger. "Somepony get those guards over here!"
"What's going on?" said another voice, before screaming out. "By Celestia, what are those things?!"
There was a buzzing noise, which announced the species of the attackers.
"Changelings!" Sunset Shimmer exclaimed. "We've gotta get them off this train!"
The ponies in the room rushed towards the next car, to find ten of the insect-ponies attacking the passengers. There was a gaping hole in the ceiling, and a cold gust of wind was blowing through.
"Oy, look 'oo we 'ave 'ere, boys!" said a Changeling with a thick accent. "Sawnsat Shimmuh an' companeh! You know what to do!"
The Changelings wheeled around to face their challengers, their horns glowing brightly.
"Drop 'um!" shouted their leader.
The Changelings unleashed a wave of magic spells into the group of ponies. But Trixie and Pressure Point were quick to deflect them all. Several balls of energy ricocheted throughout the car, and several Changelings were propelled out through the hole, making shrieks of terror as they went. The remaining four dropped down to the floor, poised to strike.
"All right." said one of the lesser Changelings. "Sigma, perhaps we should try not to kill them. One of those spells might hit us, instead."
"Aw, fine then!" growled Sigma. "We'll just 'ave to make this as quick 'n' clean as possible! Canopy, darlin', do somethin' 'bout those Shadowbolts!"
"Yes, captain." hissed a female Changeling. "Let's go out for some fresh air, shall we?"
She shot towards Lightning Dust, and the two started to wrestle with each other in mid-air. The two were sucked out of the hole in the car by the train's high speed, and the two Shadowbolts flew out after them.
"It's still four on three, Sigma." said Sunset. "We can still beat you."
"We kinda anticipated that." chuckled the Changeling leader. "Look 'round for a sec."
Sunset looked to her right at the window. Suddenly, a Changeling's projectile struck the glass, creating a massive gaping hole in the side of the car. The amber unicorn found that the floor beneath her was crumbling, and she was blasted out of the train, and out into the tundra beyond.
"SUNNNNNYYYYYYY!!" Radiant Dawn shouted in a panic as he saw his younger sibling being shot out of the train. "No, no, no, no, NOOOOO!!!!"
Suddenly, the airborne unicorn disappeared in a flash of pale light, and reappeared inside the car, blindsiding one of the remaining Changelings.
"How in the--YARGH!" screeched Sigma's bodyguard as he found himself being unintentionally tackled by the teleporting mare.
The Changeling collided with the wall of the car, and his neck cracked loudly.
"I need...medical attention!" the debilitated Changeling gasped for air. "Get this...unicorn...off of me!"
Sunset Shimmer quickly climbed off of the Changeling, and rushed back to her friends.
"Are you okay, little sis?" Radiant asked, breathlessly.
"I'm okay, Red." said Sunset. "I don't go down that easily!"
"Well, enough of this!" shouted Sigma. "I'm gonn' call this a stalemate. You'll be hearin' from us again! Let's go help Canopy!"
"Right, sir!" said the other Changeling.
The two flew through the hole in the roof of the car, leaving their wounded comrade at the mercy of the four unicorns and the other passengers in the train. But Sunset Shimmer wasn't willing to give up straight away. She fired a spell after the escaping Changelings, but missed. She calmed down, though, when she remembered that one still remained on the train. The same one she collided with a few minutes ago.
"Please, I'm in...no condition to...hurt anyone!" panicked the dying Changeling.
"Well, don't you worry then." said Pressure Point. "Just hold still, and I'll inspect your injury."
The bluish-white stallion stuck his horn a few inches from the insect-winged creature's neck.
"Yes, I see that you had some whiplash over here." Sunset could hear Pressure mumbling. "Oh, and you've dislocated your spinal column a little bit over here. You'd better not try flying anytime soon, either."
"Pressure, are you seriously helping that thing?" Radiant questioned.
"I'm a doctor, and he's wounded." Pressure Point snapped. "Why wouldn't I help him?"
"Because that's the enemy!" said Trixie. "C'mon, cuz! Those things attacked this train!"
"And probably left a lot of ponies severely wounded, I know!" said Pressure, feverishly. "But this one can probably tell us why they did it. But if I don't know how to do it, then I won't be able to stop him from kicking the bucket before he sings!"
"Good point, Pressure." said Sunset. "I'm all for it, then. Trixie, Red, you two should help me check the rest of the train."
"And make sure that Lightning Dust and the Shadowbolts are okay." added Radiant Dawn. "My horn's picking up a blizzard in the distance, fifteen miles to the west, headed this way. Let's make sure they aren't stuck out there when it rolls along."
"They'll know where to meet us." said Sunset. "If they turn out to be Changelings in disguise, we'll be able to tell them apart."
"Look up there!" said Trixie. "I see them coming back now! And it looks like..."
Then she gasped; Lightning Dust was hurdling towards the train. Radiant Dawn raised his head up, and used his telekinesis to grab the falling bluish-green mare. He gingerly levitated her back in through the hole, and let her rest on his back. The two Shadowbolts flew back into the train, exhausted.
"Thanks, Radiant." Lightning Dust panted.
She leaned forward and licked Radiant's cheek.
"Yep, that's definitely her." grinned Sunset, before frowning. "Or is it? Hey, Lightning!"
"What's up, boss?" asked Lightning?
"What happened to Canopy?" asked Trixie.
"She's out cold on the railroad tracks. Didn't like the whirlwind too much." said Lightning.
"Whirlwind?" repeated Radiant.
"Yeah." said Lightning. "My two wing-ponies here pulled off one heck of a tornado that knocked us both silly. I was barely able to get back to the train. Good thing my boyfriend here was able to save me."
"Boyfriend?!" repeated everypony except for Sunset Shimmer and Radiant Dawn.
"Yep." said Lightning Dust, who dropped down to Radiant's side. "Radiant and I are going steady now."
The small bluish-green pegasus nuzzled the large reddish-orange unicorn.
"It was only a matter of time, wasn't it?" Sunset Shimmer asked flatly.
"What do you mean?" Radiant Dawn asked. "I thought we were careful about it."
"Um..I kinda let slip to Sunset that I had feelings for you." explained Lightning Dust.
"How long have you two been each other's...special someponies?" asked Trixie.
"About two days now." said Radiant Dawn.
"You don't say." said Sunset.
"Umm...." Pressure Point began. "Isn't there a blizzard headed this way? Shouldn't we do something about this wrecked car?"
3568626
"That I'm trying too hard to focus on Radiant/Red, who is an OC?"
Yes, you are, people wants to read about Sunset, not about the brother of her you made up. I know is a hard lesson to learn, but if you focus too much in an OC when that OC is not the reason people are reading the story in the first place, the story gets dull and boring. If the OC is an antagonist or a villain thats acceptable, but here that isn't the case.
I'm just offering some character development for him so that the readers have a reason to care about him, and so that he doesn't seem like a shallow satellite character that exists only to establish that Sunset Shimmer has family in this story.
You could just have ended his part with the teamwork lesson then move back to Sunset.
Or do you mean that I'm shoehorning in too many OCs?
That too, naming each Night guard is a tad too much. All those Night Guards are not important characters. The fact you take the time to describe and name each one sounds like you promised someone to insert their characters in the story. Take a look at http://www.fimfiction.net/story/122018/td-the-alicorn-princess to see how to introduce Oc guards and not make it annoying.
Too be fair, there aren't that many canon characters that are known to be guards
Irrelevant, they are TheCavalry, the Calvary just appears when its needed and only the captain and maybe their secont is named.
Moondancer and Firefly aren't OCs
I know that, they are G1 ponies, is mostly the stuff with Sunset brother that gets annoying.
And if the Radiant/Red Dawn plotline seems too disconnected from Sunset Shimmer, that's gonna change soon, come the next chapter
Again, you could just have ended his part with the teamwork lesson, brevity is wit.
In other words, you could edit the story to shorten up Sunset Brother parts to just whats absolutely needed. After the teamwork lesson? Switch back to Sunset.
3568690
Well, the Radiant plotline was going to segue into Sunset's in the next chapter. I figure I'd might as well show what he was doing that led him there, so that readers wouldn't ask "What's Radiant doing out in Fillydelphia? Shouldn't he still be training the new recruits?"
For that matter, I wanted to show that Princess Luna was actually doing something about Sunset's situation, and was willing to send her own guards to assist her. But it would've been odd to not see Radiant Dawn's reaction to this, so I decided to include that.
I also didn't want to see his work so far be put to waste, so I decided to show the pay-off. Sure, getting a big promotion twice in less than twenty-four hours might seem rushed/far-fetched, but I trust it will make sense as you progress through the story. Plus, Star Shield's going to be an important supporting character later on, and not just around Sunset and Radiant. Radiant himself is going to become a regular character, as well, later on.
I can guarantee, though, that he won't be stealing the spotlight from his sister anytime soon. Sunset's still priority number one, and most of his story-time once they're regrouped will be focused on their interactions together.
I though it wouldn't hurt to make Captain Shield's introduction a little more poignant than just Sunset Shimmer meeting him and saying "Oh, hey there. You're that guard captain I knew a few years ago." or Princess Luna just randomly sending him over to Fillydelphia.
The random OC guards being given names seems like a discouraging thing to do, but it's easier to keep track of them all rather than just saying "the orange-maned pegasus" or "the silver-coated unicorn" twenty times in a row. Plus, they're just different examples of what you'd have to deal with when managing new recruits.
Silver Shadow and Crimson Cloud = the aces
Night Runner and Sky Boom = the average members
Crown Jewel and Green Aether = the slackers
Moondancer and Firefly = the unexpected marvels.
You made a good point about that "brevity is wit" thing, though. I'll be sure to add that in a later chapter. In the mean-time, I'm looking forward to more comments on later chapters.
3568946
Look, we can be discoursing this all day, but I already gave my opinion. You can do whatever you want, is your story, I am not the writer. The story could perfectly work without Sunset brother hogging so much screen time, but is your choice, not mine.
That's all I have to say, have a good say sir.
3571422
That's fine. But all I can say: I hope you're not going to stop reading because of the attention Radiant's getting. You'll miss out on a lot.
And again: Sunset Shimmer is still priority number one.