Giant Robots are Magic

by Spanner

Episode Two Part One: Kiva’s Always Wanted a Pony

---XLR---

Jamie groaned as he rubbed his aching head. He was still in the driver’s seat of MEGAS when he felt someone grabbing his shoulders and speaking to him. Jamie kept his eyes closed and just listened.

“Jamie! Thank goodness you're okay. You are okay right?” Kiva started checking him for injuries.

“Kiva, is that you? I... don’t know if I’ll make it. Everything is so hazy.”

Kiva started to put on a spacesuit to head outside. “I’ll get you some help. We seem to have landed in some sort of settlement. Don’t give up on me Jamie. There has to be something I can do?”

“There is. Just hold me until... the end.” Jamie leaned into the space marine’s chest. Kiva reluctantly wrapped her arms around his back to comfort him in his final moments.

“There's one other thing you could do for me Kiva. Could I... could I...”

“Yes Jamie?”

“...get one kiss,” he whispered.

“What! Are you serious?” The redhead would have pushed him out the window right then, had he not been dying in her arms. That and the air outside could be poisonous.

“If I’m going to die, I want to have kissed a pretty girl my species one last time.”

Kiva blew one of her bangs around with a heavy sigh. “Fine, just one, but only because you’re so pathetic.”

Jamie stood up to Kiva’s eye level with her help. Slowly their faces drew closer. Kiva’s blue lips puckered for the regrettable kiss until...

“Hahahahah.” A loud laugh could be heard from the back seat. “Damn, Kiva. I can’t believe you fell for that one.”

“Coop! I would have gotten away with it too, If it hadn’t—” Kiva smacked the punk in the face with a solid back hand.

“Ow! Did you have to hit so hard? I didn’t even get a kiss.” Jamie rubbed the red hand print on his cheek. He moved his sore jaw around in front of the rear view mirror.

“Why don’t you call yourself lucky. Back in the Resistance Army, I would have broken a man’s arm for pulling a trick like that.”

“Well sorry,” Jamie said in complete sarcasm. “You can’t blame a guy for trying.”

Kiva gave him a cold, dead stare. “I can and I will. You just won’t know when it’s coming.”

Coop leaned forward between the front seats. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but what the heck is sitting on the hood of my car?” He pointed at a purple mass on the hood of the Plymouth.

“I was going to check that out after I made sure you two were okay. It looks like some kind of alien life form. I can't tell you much more from looking at what I presume is the creature’s hindquarters.” Having seen many aliens in her time, Kiva didn’t seem fazed by the sight of this purple thing.

“Can’t you just say butt?” Jamie asked bluntly.

Kiva just stared at him, unamused and still angry.

Jamie didn’t pay her any heed. “Do you think it’s... you know, dead? Why don’t you scan it with your fancy laptop projector thingy?” He asked, pointing a shaky finger towards the windshield.

“My holo computer was busted in the crash,” Kiva said, indicating a cracked red device in her belt buckle. “I can’t even tell you where we are... what are you doing?”

Jamie had turned on the windshield wipers, which were repeatedly hitting the unidentified creature just above its tail. “I was just checking if it was alive.” Nothing happened for several moments. Suddenly Jamie started rolling down the window, much to Kiva’s horror.

“Don’t open that! Is there air?! You don’t know!” She said as she donned a helmet and thrust the only spare helmet to Coop. Saving the pilot was not so sadly more important than a skinny, squeamish, simpleton.

Jamie took a few breaths of air, “Seems okay to me.”

The space marine double face palmed and contemplated how she got into this whole mess. She needed time to think. They were on an alien world and she was their best bet of getting off alive. She decided the best way to cope, would be to ignore them.

“Hey guys, I’m going below to see if I can get power to MEGAS. If Jamie starts bloating or turning yellow from the poisonous atmosphere please hesitate to get me. Oh, and try not to do anything stupid,” Kiva said, disappearing down into the giant robot. As soon as the sounds of the maintenance lift became silent a big grin formed on Coop’s face.

“Hey Jamie, I dare you to touch it,” Coop said.

“No way! I ain’t touching some weirdo alien.”

“I double dare you, and raise you a Mega Slush,” Coop challenged him.

Jamie shook his best and only friend's hand. “You’re on!”

He slowly reached out around the side of the windshield with his skinny left arm and poked it. “Hey this thing is super soft.” Jamie started petting the foreign creature with his fingertips.

“Bring it in here. I wanna see it before Kiva gets back,” Coop said excitedly.

Jamie grabbed hold of it’s tail and pulled it off of the hood. “I can’t pull it up!” Jamie wheezed while the furry thing dangled outside the car door.

Coop grabbed him by the shoulders and together they pulled it into the car like landing a big fish.

“Well, we're not getting power anytime soon and... What the heck is going on here?” Kiva had climbed up to find the two young men petting the crap out of what appeared to be a plum-violet, winged unicorn.

The two looked at her like a pair of deer in headlights, then frantically tried to shove the thing back out the window.

Kiva joined the wrestling and seized the mystery lifeform. She settled back into the passenger seat before leering at her companions.

“What are you going to do with it?” Jamie asked while he rolled the window back up.

“I don’t know, but it looks like it has some sort of identifying mark on its flank. Maybe it’s someone's pet.” Suddenly Kiva found herself clutching it in her arms. It lay upside down like a cradled cat. She looked down at its little fuzzy face and couldn’t stop from smiling.

“Aww, It’s so cute and fluffy. How could you guys be so heartless?” She said as she played with one of its purple ears.

Jamie and Coop looked at her like she had lost her mind. Never had they ever seen the the warrior badass act ga-ga over anything. All three passengers were too distracted to notice one of their ‘guest’s’ legs twitch.

Kiva looked indignant. “What? Just because I lived in a military base for most of my life, doesn't mean I never wanted a pony like normal earth girls.”

Jamie and Coop continued to stare at her, then burst into laughter.

She sighed deeply. “This is because I kill aliens for a living, isn’t it?”

Kiva noticed the weight in her arms shifting and looked down, only to come face to face with a set of impossibly huge violet eyes.

In just a split second the inside of the car became a flurry of wings, hooves, arms, and legs, as the winged beast frantically tried to find a way out. The three humans were left to dodge its flailing limbs and cover their ears from shrieks of fear.

Jamie started pulling levers and pushing buttons in a panic, until a clank of metal and a lurch of the car stopped everyone from moving. The hot rod rolled forward then tipped over the edge of MEGAS’s torso. It stopped there just long enough for everyone in the car to simultaneously say, “Uh oh,” before it roughly rolled down the front of the giant mech. The car launched off a ramp made of wreckage and landed miraculously upright in town square. Sometime in the mass panic, the purple creature had either fainted or been knocked out.

Coop broke the silence not a minute after landing. He pulled off the space helmet and squeezed between the passenger and driver’s seat to get to the door. “Well I’m hungry. I think I saw a giant gingerbread house on our way down.”

Kiva stopped the scrambling behemoth by grabbing hold of his arm.

“Hey, what gives?”

She simply pointed out the window. Coop just now noticed that they had been surrounded by an entire town of multicolored little horses, and two larger but still weird looking equines with crowns and necklaces.

“They look perfectly harmless to me,” he said nonchalantly.

“Yeah, they're just a bunch of girly little miniature horses. What are they gonna do, shoot rainbows at us?” Jamie chimed in. “Though, those two bigger ones look kinda mad.” The three passengers took a moment to look at the aliens in the front of the crowd.

One of them was a dark blue color, with a mane that looked like a snapshot of the night sky. The other one was slightly taller than her counterpart and had a white coat with a multicolored pastel mane. Both beings looked thoroughly displeased.

Coop continued to shuffle towards the door. “C’mon Kiva, I’ll get you guys some giant gumdrops. Ooh, and maybe some giant candy canes!”

“Coop, don’t forget to check for some licorice,” Jamie said as he tried to avoid getting squashed by Coop’s fat.

Kiva finished massaging her temples. “I’m starting to think these beings are more than just simple animals,” she said, eyeing a goofy eyed grey pony with what appeared to be a bag of... muffins? “If you're leaving MEGAS to get mauled by the populace then count me in. There isn’t much else to do around here.”

They all exited the car. Coop and Jamie clumsily spilled out from the driver’s side door, followed by Kiva, carrying the little lavender unicorn in her arms.

The herd of animals around the car all scurried away except an orange one with a cowboy hat and a bright pink one, which pulled out a tub of popcorn. The town’s occupants galloped around looking for any shelter they could find. One closed the door to a structure that lacked an entire wall.

If that wasn’t enough weirdness, the large blue horse, which was wearing what resembled a dark crown on its head, started yelling in... Shakespearean English? “WHAT HAST THOU DONE WITH MY SISTER’S STUDENT?!”

Looking from the big horse to the little one in her arms Kiva said, “What, this? I think she just fainted from all the excitement.”

“Do you take us for foals?!” The white one added, nodding her head to a nearby group of golden armored equines.

In seconds, the humans were surrounded by a small army of armored bat winged ponies, gold clad pegasi, and angry unicorns. One, with a fancier helm than the rest stepped forward from the circle.

---XLR---

“Put the Princess down and your hooves in the—” The Lunar Guard Captain was interrupted as Luna whispered something in his ear.

“Thy enemy does not have hooves.”

“I can see that your Highness, but I think they get it.”

“Dost thou see thy enemy surrendering Night Barb?”

“Well no, but if I start over now, I won’t seem as scary. When did Princesses become damsels in distress anyway your Highness? The mere thought is silly.”

While they seemed to argue, they didn’t notice the tall red-headed one reach behind her back for something.

“Surrender the princess, put your arms in the air, or prepare for defeat!” Night Barb said, as they closed in on the strange invaders.

“Well which is it? Should we put our arms up? Should we give you the princess, or should we prepare for defeat?” Coop asked, surprising even Kiva with his astute remark. Night Barb seemed to be thinking through the question.

“Kiva, do something!” Jamie urged.

She backed up against the red car, as ponies continued closing in around them. “Let’s not be too hasty here, this is all a misunderstanding. I’ll give you your Princess back, we’ll repair our giant robot and be on our way. We just crashed on your mini horse planet on accident. We mean you no harm.”

“Likely story,” The bat winged pony huffed. “Seize them!”

“HALT! Give them a chance to speak on their behalf. Who is the operator of this monstrosity?” Luna asked, gazing at each of the humans.

“Don’t look at me, Jamie was driving,” Coop said while pointing under the car at the cowering little man-child.

“Is this true, fiery maned stranger?” The pony asked.

Jamie looked to Kiva for help. “Bail me out here, please. You're not gonna hold that harmless little joke against me now? Oh yeah, Coop you still owe me ten bucks.”

“No, the bet was that you could get Kiva to kiss you some day,” Coop said with a smug smile. “We agreed lip to lip contact.”

Kiva just shook her head. Jamie sighed and waited for Kiva’s badass plan to save him. She smiled at the little punk.

“That’s him. He’s the pilot of that giant robot. I’m just the navigator. Coop there is the mechanic...”

Suddenly the animal in Kiva’s arms leapt from her grasp and glided to the other two winged unicorns. “Don’t trust any of them. The red maned one is an alien assassin! She’ll kill us all!”

The two regal sisters became rigid.

“Is this true? Have you ended the lives of other alien life?” Celestia advanced forward a few steps as she spoke.

If there was ever a time Kiva wanted her two companions to keep their traps shut, it was now.

“Oh yeah, she’s killed countless aliens with us. We even blew up a few planets, usually on accident. Like this one time, I accidently destroyed an entire ring world thingy that happened to be a giant library...”

“A WHOLE LIBRARY WORLD?! DESTROY THEM!” Luna and Celestia looked between them to see Twilight’s mane on fire and backed a few steps away. The lunar and solar guards charged on their princess’ command.

“Come on Kiva, you can take them. That girly one over there has pink hair,” Coop pointed and laughed.

“I’m a stallion.” No one seemed to hear the poor chap amongst the thunder of hooves in Ponyville square.

Kiva pulled a taser from behind her back and aimed at the nearest opponent. “Why do you have to be soo cute?” she asked no one in particular as she struggled to pull the trigger.

“You think we’re cute—” The guard was silenced.

She had fired at the guard’s exposed belly. An electrical current surged through his body as he writhed on the ground.

Using her cat like agility, she pounced onto the hood of the hot rod. The soft top bowed under her weight, but held firm. Coope didn’t protest, as he was focused on the two sets of furry legs sticking out from under his wide frame. Jamie screamed and ran laps around the Plymouth Convertible, a half dozen guards hot on his heels.

With a spin kick, Kiva dropped two more incoming foes. They landed in the growing pile of ponies around the 1970 Plymouth Barracuda. One of the pegasi charged from the sky. Kiva dodged to the side at the last second and grasped its front hooves. The pegasus was easily thrown to the side with his forward momentum. KIva cracked her knuckles and gestured for more.

Luna watched with sincere interest as Kiva shoved another cartridge in her taser, backflipped off the metal chariot, and nailed another one of her loyal guards. She was pleased that at least four more of her sister’s solar guards had fallen than her fearsome Night Brigade.

The Night Princess could tell her ponies were left largely unhurt by each of the alien’s attacks, something she could respect in these invaders. She was beginning to think that they may have been telling the truth about coming in peace. She would need to see something for herself first hoof.

“Lu Lu, what are you doing?” Celestia asked with concern.

“We thought you agreed to never address us that way amongst the common populace... Tia.” Luna strode off.

“Tia, Lulu, really?” Twilight snickered, her mane slowly returning to normal.

---XLR---

Luna strode through the battle scene, easily dodging the occasional flying body, stopping thirty hooves from the raging red ravager known as Kiva.

At some point, what Luna now figured was a female amongst these aliens, had gotten out a long metal polearm. She was swinging it with dexterity beyond any being on equestria.

“It seems that females are also the superior sex on your world”, she said, as Kiva rolled onto her back thrusting her feet into the golden chest plate of one of Celestia’s door guards.

“Ha, that’s mostly because most of the men died in battle against the Glorft.”

“It is nice to see our guards get some well needed practice. ‘Tis hard to get field experience when threats most serious only come around every thousand years or so." Luna watched as Kiva grabbed a unicorn’s horn and used it as leverage to hold them out in front of her. Kiva’s fluffy shield absorbed two incoming stun spells before she dropped him.

“Does that mean you think I’m a serious threat?” Kiva asked as she planted her collapsable bo-staff in the ground, vaulting onto the back of a pegasus guard and skidding to a halt in front of Luna.

“That is to be seen, one they call Kiva.”

The Lunar and Solar Guard knew better than to get involved and concentrated on the fat and skinny duo. Luna simply blocked a taser bolt with a shield and advanced.

“So you have TK abilities, hardly seems fair,” Kiva said throwing away her spent taser. Grasping her metal bo-staff in both hands, she steeled herself for the oncoming fight.

Luna circled her new opponent. “I won’t need my magic to defeat the likes of you.”

Kiva looked from her captured friend and a half, and back to the dark unicorn before her. She extended her hand palm up, then twitched her fingers towards herself. “We shall see. Come at me.”

---XLR---

To be continued.

Author's Note:

Thanks to Danger Beans, devas, autocorrection app, and Isumo1489 for correcting this chapter.

Comments

[Tatsurou]

Oh gods! Kiva finding Twilight adorable cracked me up!
Also, so looking forward to the conclusion to the Luna/Kiva fight!

[totallynotabrony]

Geographic imaging analysis sounds interesting.

It was worth the wait for the chapter, but it seems to still need proofreading.

[Spanner]

3566806
Yeah, well I don't have many editors for this (one responded). There isn't a whole lot I can do at this point. I didn't get that many bites in the looking for editors group. Go figure.

[lord scoro]

have Glorf attack then coop defeat them

[Azreon]

Galaxy quest reference sweet

[Cades]

“Your on!”

You're

[shinigamisparda]

As a rabid M.E.G.A.S. XLR fan, I volunteer as your editor. I love this so far and it pains me any time I see a mistake.

Also, perhaps you'd like to take a look at my own M.E.G.A.SxMLP crossover, My Giant Robot: Friendship is Awesome.

[Jake Witt]

3776770
I might check that out, later. I seem to be on a Megas roll this year.