Giant Robots are Magic

by Spanner

Episode Three Part One: Meat The Humans

WARNING: This chapter contains many character introductions, exposition, and regrettably very little MEGAS. We are currently working to rectify the issue and add more explosions, giant robots, and cheap wrestling moves into your future reading material. Please stand by.

---XLR---

“Another national security threat and another late train!” Octavia Melody shook her hoof at the moon.

First there was the railroad lockdown for Nightmare Moon’s return, then the train had literally flown off the tracks during Discord’s escape; customs closed stations during the parasprite infestation of ponyville, and the changeling invasion caused all the train traffic to stop for five days.

The taxi fare was murder for Octavia every time the trains stopped. At one time, Octavia had gotten an invitation to the Crystal Empire. She was delighted to use the ever reliable Crystal Line, but her hopes for smooth travel were devastated by an ancient evil king rising from the depths of the Frozen North.

Octavia complained to the Board of Transportation on many occasions, even going so far as to propose an underground rail system that could run even if the sun exploded, or something else crazy but not really unexpected happened.

“Oh, we assure you Ms Melody, this sort of disturbance will not happen again,” the Board had said. They had promised.

“Never again my hoof!” the musician snorted in indignation as she stepped off the train at nearly 3:00am. She refused the help of the bellhop, instead lugging her cello case down the steps off the train herself. Octavia tipped him anyways, considering it wasn’t his fault the trains were always late.

Walking through town, it was easy to spot all the destroyed buildings and foreign debris, but all Octavia cared about was sleep. Before long she stumbled through the door dragging her cello case inside. It was only a short trot from Ponyville Station to her duplex. Octavia deposited the case in the corner and stuck her fedora with pink ribbon on the hat rack. She was exhausted, her hair a mess, and her bow hung undone around her neck, but she was home at last. All she had to do now was conquer the stairs and collapse on her bed, only to be reborn to do it all over again next morning.

Octavia Melody sighed, before crawling up to the second floor. She passed Vinyl's door and opened up her own. With the flick of the lights, it was readily apparent that some giant blond haired creature had fallen asleep on her bed. Octavia just sighed a little deeper. This sort of thing wasn’t uncommon when living with Vinyl Scratch. They were both busy mares, so they agreed on a non-exclusive relationship to fill the gaps between each other's absences. This meant sometimes there could be any number of “guests” laying unconscious around the duplex.

But when she got home, her bed or the couch must be available for sleeping. That was the number one rule between her and Vinyl. Octavia had once fallen asleep on the couch, knowing a minotaur was flattening her box spring mattress upstairs, but by Celestia, she had the couch to sleep on!

“Just find your center and breath,” Octavia grumbled as she went back down to the living room. She didn’t even need to flick the lights on to know that somepony was on the couch. This was due to the horrendous snoring. Why Octavia hadn’t heard it before was anypony’s guess.

With the lights on, she walked around to the front of the couch to give the stallion a good thrashing, only to realize there was a Celestial guard sleeping right next to the yellow stranger. He had cotton stuffed in his ears. In the easy chair there was some strange creature sleeping away. It had red hair and some device covering both its eyes and ears. The lights went off with a exhaustive sigh from the earth pony.

“Stupid law ponies preventing my righteous thrashings! Back upstairs it is!”

This time Octavia noticed the note on her love’s door.

Sup Octy,

So like, these aliens crashed into town and I invited them to live here until they repay their debt to society or whatever. The moon guard guy is probably patrolling outside and the sun guard dude passed out on the couch. You can sleep with me tonight.

~ Vinyl.

Octavia pulled the note from the door, quietly walked into the room and up to the bed. She pulled the covers back on the small bed, before stuffing the note in her marefriend's mouth, pushing her to the side and tucking herself in.

To her credit, Vinyl only thrashed a little bit as she coughed down the dry paper. The DJ turned her head towards Octavia before wishing her a good night.

“Good night, Vinyl.” It was going to be one of those nights.

---XLR---

Coop hunched forward, sniffing the smells of food coming from below. He made his way downstairs and shambled through the living room. His eyes seemed slightly sunken and his limbs moved lazily as he trudged through the living room towards the modest sized kitchen.

Yawning, Coop acknowledged Jamie with an unintelligible grumble as he passed by the worn blue couch. His friend was just as skinny as ever and still wore his signature get up, though his blue jeans were now way too long for Jamie’s more stubby legs and he was practically drowning inside his leather jacket. Jamie’s face was hidden by his green hoodie, but Coop could see a tuft of yellow fur on his friend's exposed neck. Jamie made no sign that Coop had even seen him.

Coop was pleased to see three plates of food set up at the table, along with a huge pile of pancakes and something that looked like bacon. Two of the seats were taken up by Vinyl and some grey pony Coop didn’t recognize. The beaten oak table was tucked to one side of the kitchen near an open window.

“Come sit down right here!” Vinyl waved him over with a mouthful of pancakes.

“Vinyl Scratch! How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full,” the grey pony scolded. “In front of guests no less.”

Coop took a seat at the front end of the table. Even if the other two seats weren't already occupied, he doubted his size would allow him to squeeze in the chair between the wall that separated the kitchen and living room, or the seat between the dishwasher and table. Coop’s tiny chair creaked in protest under his girth.

Octavia cleared her throat and stood straighter in her seat. “This is Vinyl Scratch. You must have met yesterday. She’s a mare of the musical variety and my roommate. And you must be Mr. Coop, the alien, I presume? My name is Octavia Melody, professional musician and co-renter of this abode.” The word professional, was exaggerated as she glanced at Vinyl. Octavia extend her hoof towards Coop.

Instead of reaching out for her hoof, Coop grabbed the maple syrup and dumped it on the main stack of pancakes meant for everyone. After sliding the stack closer to himself he stuffed an entire flapjack into his mouth. Only when the bite was broken down enough to make air noises around it did Coop shake the pony’s outstretched hoof.

“Yeah, that’s me. I’m Coop, professional... giant robot mechanic, video game guru, and intergalactic wrestling champ.”

“I get the giant robot part, and the wrestling thing maybe, but how exactly does one become a video game guru, let alone what does that even mean?” Octavia looked halfway between confused and not really interested.

Coop grasped his belt with both hands, giving it an up-down shake. “I've played and beaten, more video games than anyone in the greater Tri-State Area, and probably all of New Jersey. I bet I've at least heard of, if not laid my hands on every game on Earth, minus the new gen stuff. The old school is where it’s at.” Coop started naming off consoles on his fingers like Atari, Dreamcast, and N64.

“Um, sorry, I didn’t understand any of that, which I suppose makes sense, you coming from another world and all,” Octavia said. “All I understood was “play” and “games.”

Vinyl smiled deviously at the dedicated gamer. “One of the clubs I played at just got a new arcade console. How would you like to expand your title to greatest gamer in Equestria as well. Of course you'll have to beat my high score first.”

Coop eyes twinkled with excitement and the two fist-hoof bumped. “You’re on!” His face scrunched up in thought for a moment. “Wait, you guys have video games? But I haven’t seen any T.V. dishes or screens anywhere.”

Vinyl sighed, setting down a glass of orange juice. “Celestia was worried that ‘if used irresponsibly, television could poison young minds and cause ponies to become lazy and uncouth.’ This videogame is a test of the technology on the public.” Vinyl threw her hooves into the air knocking a pitcher of juice over a plate of hay bacon. “Seems silly to me.”

Octavia retracted her hoof from the soggy hay bacon.

Coop nodded. “I mean, we humans have had T.V for decades and I turned out just fine,” he said grasping a handful of hay bacon and shoving it in his mouth. Octavia's face turned green as she watched grease dribble down Coop’s chin.

The man chewed once, twice, then three times, before spewing partially chewed bacon bits all over the table.

“WHAT IS THIS!?”

Coop had eaten some weird things in his day. He had tasted dishes from across the galaxy. However, there was always one constant, one thing he could pick out about any meal, and that was what real meat tasted like. Even soaked in citrus juices, Coop could detect that this was some vile excuse for the pan fried animal flesh he loved so dearly. This was on the same level of sinister darkness that is... vegan cuisine.

He rushed to the sink to wash his mouth out, only to collide with the grey musician. They were both sent sprawling to the kitchen floor. Coop landed on top, while Octavia held one hoof to her mouth frantically waving her free forearm towards the sink. As soon as the two were untangled she let loose the contents of her stomach into the stainless steel basin. Coop gasped between mouthfulls of water.

Vinyl just laughed hysterically, leaning further and further back in her chair.

“Woah!”

The unicorn pitched backward and she and the chair punched through the cheap drywall. There was a moment of silence before she continued laughing from the other side of the gaping hole between the kitchen and living room.

---XLR---

Coop and company had finally settled back down around the table, though a DJ sized hole in the wall still remained. Vinyl and Octavia had just finished explaining that while ponies are capable of eating meat (and some did), that most stuck to a vegetarian diet. The explanation was long, boring and not worthy of hours of unnecessary explanation.

There were tears and self induced hair pulling, but it looked like Coop might pull through. As long as he never had hay bacon ever, ever again.

“So there’s no meat around here?” Coop made a hopeful fat puppy face.

“Well there was that one guy, right Octy. You know the guy who traded with griffins?” Vinyl asked.

“I do recall, but he closed up shop a few weeks ago.” Octavia cleared her throat. “We are getting side tracked here. The point is, you’re living under our roof now, so it’s our rules or you find a new place to stay.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes. “Here we go.”

The cellist took in a deep breath. “First, when I get home I want my bed or at least the sofa free for sleeping. Mayor Mare said she could bring in some cots and another bed soon.

“In addition, wipe your hooves before entering the house and no hooves on the tables or ceiling. No mattress surfing on Tuesdays or Thursdays. Drunken fighting matches are only allowed in the ring down in the basement. No preening your wings on the couch. If you get in trouble with the Manehattan black market you’re on your own for three days or until you lose the heat. No manticores, nagas, cockatrice, or wolf bats allowed. I would say no wild animals allowed, but that would leave Vinyl with very few friends.”

“Hey! But Wolfie was just—”

“No, Vinyl! For the last time, Wolfie was not just trying to suck out the manticore poison!” Octavia exhaled through her nose. “Did you get all that.”

Coop nodded. “Seems pretty reasonable to me. I just have one question. Is betting allowed on the drunken fighting matches?”

“Why, naturally of course, but don’t talk about it. Now, I don’t know much about you people.”

“You mean humans, or Earthers if you prefer,” Coop interjected. “But you have to yell Earther in a gravelly voice or it just wouldn’t be appropriate for my culture.”

Octavia continued. “Right, humans. No biting or impaling, that includes stinging and stabbing with massively long claws. No sucking of bodily or spiritual fluids, including blood, aqueous and vitreous humour, spinal fluid, love or other emotions, magic, souls, chi, auras, and/or life giving metaphysical energy. You only get three warnings about this, so tread carefully.”

“But sucking the fun out of everything isn’t against the rules,” Vinyl said, leaning dangerously in her chair once again.

The grey mare ignored her. “And the last, most important rule.” Coop felt like something feral was staring into his soul, not unlike his mother back home.

“Never, under any circumstances, may you ever touch my Cello.”

“Trust me, Coop, don’t mess with the Cello. Even if Queen Chrysalis herself says ‘play me a tune or I’ll suck all your life juices leaving you a husk of your former self’, just let it happen.”

Octavia broke her stare and hoofed a quill to Coop. Considering the duplex classified as town property, the mayor had written something up regarding the additional tenants. He signed his name on the roommate agreement as ‘Harold Cooplowski,’ right under ‘Kiva Andru.’ Coop shook hooves with both ponies and Vinyl gave him another hoof tap.

Octavia smiled. “Alright, everything seems to be in order. That just leaves the blood pact that you won’t touch my Cello.”

Coop started walking towards the knife block. The last thing he wanted to do was anger another planet of seemingly peaceful beings and leave it in fiery rubble. Octavia held him back.

“Wait, you didn’t think I was serious about the blood pact did you? Only Vinyl has had to sign that contract.” Octavia squinted one eye, inspecting the fat man before her. “You seem pretty unfazed by all this? Most ponies go running and screaming at the start of our rules.” Octavia was honestly a little disappointed.

With a shrug, Coop uttered, “Eh. What did you expect from an awesome guy with a giant robot that can travel through space? I’ve been around. Speaking of MEGAS, I better go start those repairs.” He started for the door, but stopped at the sound of another question.

“What about your friend Jammy?” Vinyl asked. “He needs to sign this, but he’s been staring catatonically at nothing since we tried to wake him up this morning.”

“Oh, he'll be fine. This isn’t his first time. I got this.” He grabbed the roommate agreement and quill. Coop held the quill in one of Jamie’s hooves and signed ‘Jamie.’ He promised to explain the rules to him once Jamie stopped staring into the drywall. Finally Coop walked out the door to salvage his precious machine.

The door clicked shut and Octavia looked to her roomie. “What have you gotten us into Vinyl Scratch? The red-maned one, Kiva was it? She was fighting with royalty, and one of them got changed into a pony as punishment. Coop seems somewhat normal, except he’s obviously grossly overweight and he freaked out about not having meat!”

“I know. Isn’t it great!” Vinyl reached across the table and pulled Octavia over the ruined breakfast and into a crushing hug. “We're going to be so famous!”

If there was one thing Octavia couldn’t resist it was Vinyl’s enthusiasm and winning smile.

“I guess, but Coop and I are going to have a discussion about diet and exercise. I don’t want to be famous for living with the fat alien.”

---XLR---

“Halt, Alien! Where do you think you’re going?”

As soon as Coop got out the door, he noticed an armored pony stationed just to the side of his exit.

Coop waved his hands in front of himself. “Look, little pony bat thing. I don’t want any trouble. I’m just gonna go fix MEGAS, so we can start fixing the town.”

“Oh no, you’re not getting off that easy.”

Coop noted the dark batwings, reptilian eyes, dark fur and armor. In his travels he had seen many similar creatures, and there were always a few things he could count on.

“I take it you are either some sort of evil villain, or some dark mysterious character that is really just a stick in the mud? Let’s just make a truce right now, and we don’t need to get in each other's business.” It was just like that red demon guy with the black armor. That guy had thought Coop was evil and invited him to join in galactic conquest. Only someone completely full of themselves would wear black armor and have red skin.

“Peace?! It’s too late for that. Your evil metal monster almost killed Princess Twilight. I, as a lieutenant of Princess Luna’s Lunar Defense Division am responsible for any misconduct you and your friends cause.”

So it was the stick in the mud routine? He wasn't going to dismiss potential evil villain yet. Coop decided to nip this in the butt before things got out of hand. “Hey, just because MEGAS smashed up your little town, almost killed one of your leaders, got in a fight with another, and my friend called your big horse lady fat, does not mean we’re criminals. I mean, we didn't do the first three on purpose.”

Coop extended his hand to the guard. “Put ‘er there, bub.”

The guard stared at the hand for a moment, he knew the gesture from the red-haired one. He had shaken her hand in part because he didn't want her starting more trouble just because of a cultural misunderstanding and because she was utterly terrifying. Finally he shook Coop’s hand firmly. This was the monster’s mechanic, it was the pilot he should really be mad at after all.

“I’m Coop, what’s your name? Is it Dark Fury or Dark Night or something?”

“No, Dark Fury was my great grandfather. My cousin Dark Night works in another city.” The pony let go, whipping hay bacon grease off his hoof. “My name is something you will earn the right to know. Once you complete your punishment, I may tell you.”

He eyed the pony for a moment. “The name’s that embarrassing huh?”

“Well not that emb— I mean of course not.”

“I don’t know if I can work with someone who doesn’t even want to tell me their name. I don’t work well with people I don’t even know breathing down my back.”

The guard sighed. “I will tell you, but only if you promise to stay composed.” The human nodded noncommittally.

The pony spread his bat wings and held his head high. “My name is Honey Lily, second son to Victor Fury and a lieutenant of Princess Luna’s Lunar Defense Division.

The pilot was rolling with laughter not two seconds later.

“I will not be laughed at.” Honey Lily stomped his hoof in protest. “My parents decided to pass on my mother’s family name. She comes from a respectable long line of aquatic landscapers!”

“You’re killing me here. Just stop while you’re ahead.” With a name like that, maybe this guy deserved to become a villain and exact revenge for his name. Still facing the disgruntled guard, Coop moved towards where his car was parked last night.

“I guess I’ll be seeing you around then Mr. Lilly.” He lifted his hand to open the door, only to find his hand grasping at air. “Dude where's my car?!”

“You mean that red chariot with the corny flames painted on it?” the guard asked.

Coop started grinding his teeth. “Those flames are classic, and I painted those on myself.”

The guard gave no recognition to Coop's unrest. “Your friend Kiva said something about the central control module missing.” Honey Lily looked up at the clock tower. “She left about an hour ago with Lieutenant Stonewall to go find it.”

A roaring sound filled the air. Coop knew the sound as his custom V8 engine with 4-barrel carburetor, and dual exhaust. He turned just in time to see a lavender and rainbow blur leap from the open car doors and roll in the dirt. Within a moment, his precious car stuck itself through a nearby storefront.

The young man fell to his knees next to the tire tracks in the primitive dirt street. After lifting up a stray hubcap in one hand, his face shook with rage and he screamed into the heavens.

“CAAAAAAAR... CAAAAAAR!!!”

---XLR---

Somewhere, far away...

Gorrath watched over his minions and soldiers at work. He stood at the edge of a huge open scar in his ship’s hull with his arms crossed behind his back. The Earther’s weapon had nearly cut his flagship in half. Temporary energy shields were the only thing separating the glorft leader from the great vacuum. Wires hung down from the damaged sections of the ship, some still sparking with power.

One of Gorrath’s generals strode up beside him and handed him a holo-clipboard.

“Warmaster, repairs are on schedule.” The general’s tentacled mouth jiggled as he spoke.

“Very good general. And what of the scouting party?”

“We were able to track the weapon’s particle discharge trail. We have taken the data to form the most likely vector the Earther and prototype took. The trail appears to go deep into uncharted space.”

General Grogg cringed as The Warmaster raised an armored arm. “For once you bring me good news.” Gorrath patted the general on his slimey back. “Good news indeed.”

---XLR---

To be continued.

Comments

[Tatsurou]

That was fun! I love just how blasé Coop was about the rules, and I fully expect him to actually obey all of them without question...although I expect a lot of argument between him and Octavia about 'exercise'.

[shinigamisparda]

WOOT! IT'S BACK!

Oh god, Honey Lily. Poor guy.

[nightmaster0]

Great chapter.

[Cauchemar]

I get the feeling that the underground fights will get waaaaaaaay out of hand. Fast.

[The Well Dressed Ninja]

Never... EVER... get's old.

[Diezel Riggz]

Poooorrr....poor 'Cuda, hope it's ok. "DAMN KID'S"!!!!!

[Bookwurm666]

“In addition, wipe your hooves before entering the house and no hooves on the tables or ceiling. No mattress surfing on Tuesdays or Thursdays. Drunken fighting matches are only allowed in the ring down in the basement. No preening your wings on the couch. If you get in trouble with the Manehattan black market you’re on your own for three days or until you lose the heat. No manticores, nagas, cockatrice, or wolf bats allowed. I would say no wild animals allowed, but that would leave Vinyl with very few friends.”