Episode Four Part One: Touching Things
Woosh!
---XLR---
Kiva could hear the faint sound of someone yelling from over the next hill. The shout was followed by a brief horrible screeching sound.
Coop and Kiva were heading to the general location where MEGAS’ missing arm should have landed. Besides obviously needing the arm back, there were some tools and spare parts stored in the 150 foot metal appendage. Coop still had Stonewall the pegasus slung over his shoulder, as they plodded along through an oddly Earth-like apple farm.
As strange as finding familiar fruit on a foreign planet may have been, what Kiva saw next was even more out of this world. She stopped at the top of the hill overlooking vast fields of apples. A couple hundred feet ahead, three earth ponies and a pegasus were pulling on thick ropes with their teeth. The ropes were secured around the curled fingers of MEGAS’ severed arm.
“Well, that’s something you don’t see everyday,” Coop said. “I’m gonna go watch them fail miserably to move that.”
Kiva quickly grasped Coop’s free hand. “You can’t just waltz over there with one of their law enforcement officials draped over your shoulder unconscious!” Kiva panicked. “Who knows how many laws we’ve already broken?”
“Relax Kiva. We can just tell them what happened. What’s the worst that the little ones could do, anyway? And if this place is anything like Earth, we would probably only be charged with assault and battery of an officer, kid... pony-napping, and maybe conspiracy?” Coop finished counting off on his fingers. “Besides that, the dark-horse-lady already read all of the other charges against us, and those were pretty much the usual.”
Kiva scowled “You did not just ask “what’s the worst that could happen?””
“Okay, okay! I’ll just hide him in that small apple tree over there until we’re done here.”
“What? What if he wakes up? You can’t just leave the poor little guy in a tree all alone. He could be hurt,” She said, in a nearly motherly tone. “I just feel somewhat responsible for what happened back there.”
“What? The mini horse attacked, you defended me, that’s it.” Coop pointed into the tree ahead of him. “Look, there’s even a small blanket and pillow on this branch. He’ll be fine.”
Kiva sighed and conceded to the “hide the body plan,” except this time the body was still alive. “Sure, fine, whatever. I just never felt this bad about wiping the floor with a world’s species before.”
Coop hoisted Stonewall into the tree with the little sheet and pillow. The pony’s legs dangles off the sides of the branch and stuck out from the bottom of the sheet draped over his back. The guard's chin rested on the pillow at an awkward angle.
“Well, that looks good enough.” He turned around right into a face full of rainbow.
“Whatcha doin’? Why is there a guard sleeping in my napping spot?” Rainbow asked with no respect for personal space, before prodding at the “sleeping” pony. “Are you guys up to no good or something?”
Kiva froze up in momentary panic. “Uh...”
Coop quickly stepped in. “We just found him like that? Why do you have a napping spot in a tree anyway? Isn’t that more of a bird thing?”
“Hey! I am not like a bird!” Rainbow Dash hovered with her hooves on her hips.
“You could have fooled me. You have feathered wings. You apparently spend time in trees, and you’re loud and obnoxious,” He said failing at holding back a smile as the mare grew rigid with annoyance. “You even get your feathers ruffled and your chest puffs up just like a bird.”
“I’m Rainbow Dash!” she proclaimed. “Fastest flyer in Equestria. No bird could ever get close to my speed! These wings are better than any puny bird wings.”
“That’s kinda racist,” He said.
“No it’s not! I’m not racist!” She turned to Kiva. “Right red-headed-lady?” Kiva just shrugged. She was still wallowing in guilt.
“Whatever you say, little birdie.” Coop had already started walking down the hill towards MEGAS’ arm, leaving behind a flustered pegasus. Rainbow had swallowed his diversion whole, like Celestia and a frosted triple layer carrot cake. Kiva followed along, feeling bad for successfully beating up the poor little ponies both physically and emotionally.
“Aghhh! I don’t have to take this from aliens. I’m taking a nap somewhere else!” Rainbow yelled as she snatched her pillow and blanket. Stonewall fell out of the tree with a small thud as he hit the dirt, but Rainbow was already gone.
“You know this is all going to bite us in the ass later, right?” Kiva asked raising her brow.
“Yeah, but that’s a problem for future Coop.” Contemporary Coop stopped walking for a moment. “But not that skinny version of me from the alternate future. Although that guy does deserve to be bitten in the ass.”
“Can we just move on?”
---XLR---
Applejack had just about had it with this metal thingamajig from space. What with it’s giant metal claw and boxy forearm covering what used to be many healthy apple trees. There was days of work ahead before these plots would see any trees growing again.
The only solace was that she would make those no good space monkeys pay the Apple family back in labor until everything was back the way it was, just as the Princess had ordered. That was better justice than letten’ them sit in jail while she was left to fix things.
Applejack let the thick rope tumble from her mouth.
“Speak ah the shmooz and he shall appear.” There were the aliens now, at least two of them.
Big Mac and Granny Smith were standing beside the farm-mare. The three ponies waited for the humans to get within speaking distance before fixing them with stern looks.
“Hello, my name is Kiva Andru, and this here is Harold Cooplowski.”
“Hey! It’s Coop, just Coop.”
None of the ponies accepted Kiva’s outstretched hand once Applejack refused to extend a hoof. Applejack would like to think of herself as tolerant, but this guy obviously wasn’t a hard worker or he would likely be smaller. He was huge compared to his skinny friend, Jammy.
Many moments of awkward avoidance of eye contact followed, until Kiva tried to break the ice again.
“So, uh, I couldn’t help but notice you were trying to tow one of MEGAS’ arms with that rope? I don’t think you’ll have much luck considering it probably weighs upwards of 100 metric tons. It’s also pretty dangerous technology.”
Applejack snorted, causing the human girl to cover her mouth for some reason.
“Don’t tell us what we can and can’t do. We already moved it off of the destroyed plots,” Applejack said, head held high.
“Wow! That’s impressive!” the soldier exclaimed.
Silence...
Kiva looked to Coop for help, but he just shrugged. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult—”
“I’d say welcome ta Sweet Apple Acres, but I’d be lyin’ if I said you were a welcome sight. Y’all messed up the farm pretty good and ya could have really hurt ma family. But, if you’re ready ta help move this metal junk and fix the damages, then we Apples can... tolerate you for... what the hay is wrong with her?” Applejack snorted again, pointing to a now trembling redhead.
Kiva had her fists held up to her cheeks and a small smirk on her face soon transformed into a Pinkie-esc grimace.
“She, she has, she has a country accent! And, and she makes little horse noises when she’s angry!” Kiva practically whispered and exclaimed at the same time.
“Lady, yer makin’ about as much sense as tits on a lampost.”
Applejack’s confusion grew to worry, as the human stepped towards her. Coop had no idea what was going on either, but it sure was entertaining to watch.
Kiva couldn’t stop herself from mumbling under her breath. “She even makes southernisms. That’s not even fair. Must... resist... giving... hugs.” Kiva averted her gaze from the unbearable adorableness.
“Hey, I’m talkin’ to you! You better not be makin’ fun of my family.”
“Sorry, I have to go, now, I just, yeah.” KIva turned to leave, but didn't get the chance.
Many things happened in the next few moments. None of them making a lick of sense to anyone involved.
Three shrill screams filled the air, yelling things like,
“There she is!”
“It’s them! Blast them!”
“Get em’ now!”
Rarity came galloping over the nearby hilltop, blasting away with her eyes streaming with tears of passion. Three fillies charged in ahead of her.
Bolts of blue light came flying into the fray hitting pony and human alike as Rarity fired her horn. Granny smith dove for cover behind the nearest tree trunk. Big Mac was on his way to stop Kiva from leaving when he was struck right in the face by Rarity’s magic. He hit the ground like a four hundred pound sack of potatoes.
Kiva collapsed to the dirt when her legs were stunned to numbness by the surprise attack.
Coop fumbled for a phone while the spells just disappeared into his belly fat. He quickly remembered his mom wouldn’t let him get a smartphone, or any phone for that matter. He usually borrowed Jami’s phone, but his mom stopped replacing all the phones Jamie lost due to increasingly ridiculous “stories.”
Her magic spent, Rarity collapsed onto the cleanest patch of dirt she could stumble to.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders jumped into the fray to save the Apple family from the killer aliens. Sweetie Bell, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom were ready to try everything from hair pulling, to wet willies, but the Red Terror just fainted as soon as they crawled onto her.
Their rainbow makeup war paint and fearsome war cries were obviously too much for the alien to handle and she just whispered, “Too kawaii!” before falling unconscious.
The Crusaders turned to their next foe. He towered over them, and to the sides of them, but they would not be swayed by the monumental responsibility of the task—
“I give up! You little guys win,” Coop said raising his hands.
“Yay! Cutie Mark Crusaders Anti Alien Attack Assault Squad is a success!”
“But we’re not little or guys,” Scootaloo complained.
“I told you it sounded a little redundant with attack and assault. We should have picked one.”
“Redundant? There you go being a dictionary again?” Appl Bloom crossed her forelegs. “Sides, Triple A was taken by that Flim Flam cart and chariot repair service. We get to be quadruple A! It’s one whole A better!”
“For the last time, that does not make it better!” Sweetie Bell complained.
“Sorry to ruin your little moment, but I really stopped because of her.” Coop pointed behind the three fillies.
“Alright, which one o’ you aliens is gettin’ the first spankin’ off our land!?” Said an elderly green pony with a large board drilled full of holes clenched in her mouth. Coop cringed at the striking resemblance to his wrinkly mother and her almost identical instrument of punishment.
Coop reluctantly, but compliantly bent over and braced for his punishment. It just seemed like the instinctively right thing to do.
---XLR---
Back at the duplex...
“Vinyl, I’m heading out.”
Vinyl Scratch bobbed her head to her beats, as usual. Octavia knew her roomie was listening, by the way Vinyl nodded yes or no offbeat to the music escaping from the turned earcup of Vinyl's headphones.
The cellist lifted her bow tie from a hook and started fastening it around her neck. “I’ll be out later than usual.” Octavia sighed. “Blueblood bought the seats to all my concerts so he could impress some up and coming nobles... again. He wants me to stay afterwards to meet them at some new restaurant.”
Vinyl’s body tensed slightly, almost missing a beat.
Octavia didn’t take her eyes off of her fumbling hooves and her tie. “Yes, I know you don’t like him. Neither does any mare in this town, but we need the Bits.”
An abrupt record screech came from DJ Pon3’s turntables.
“Don’t get short with me Vinyl. I didn’t literally bring down the roof at my last concert. And no, I’m not going to refuse the job.”
Her body and music halted. Vinyl’s signature glasses blocked any expression in her eyes. They also blocked the sun, and paparazzi flashbulbs. She couldn’t survive the bright mornings after a late night drinking without them.
“Vinyl, I am doing this job and that is my decision!” Octavia punctuated with a proper hoof stomp.
The unicorn snorted derisively.
“Come on Vinyl. I can’t rightly perform knowing I left you as such a grumpy gal.” Octavia quivered her lip and blinked away fake tears.
Vinyl tried to turn away and cross her arms, but Octavia got her with a quick peck to the cheek. She tried to hide her blush, but Octavia’s relentless dreamy eyed stare had her smiling in no time.
“I’m glad we could have this conversation. See you on the other side.”
Octavia had almost slipped out the door, when an electric blue coil of magic halted the door from closing. The grey mare spun around to the house.
Vinyl energetically pointed to the Cello sitting at the base of the staircase. That or she was performing some pop-and-lock dance move. When Octavia didn’t seem to understand, she levitated the cherished cello to it’s owner.
Octavia shuffled uncomfortably still halfway out the door. “Uh, yeah, about that. Blueblood, sort of, wants me to use a custom cello sponsored by him... bye!
Octavia wasn’t fast enough to stop herself from being dragged back inside by her tail. Vinyl released her magic and and the audible click of the door bolting itself shut echoed in the entryway. The shades lifted, revealing Vinyl’s critical stare.
“You know I don’t play politics, but if I don’t take this one, I’ll be sending an involuntary message of dissent against the royal family. And we all know what happened last time?”
Vinyl sighed. She did know. In fact, the two of them were still paying for the damages. It had also landed them on the Royal Intelligence Watch list. Not only for what they did, but for their own protection. Protection from those that might hold a grudge against Miss Melody and the House of Scratch.
She nodded in understanding. The door latch unlocked once more and Vinyl let her non exclusive fun time grey gal walk out the door. Out to entertain perhaps the most shallow, narcissistic oaf in Canterlot.
Octavia peeked back in a second later. “Don’t get abducted by the aliens while I’m out, because I’m making up for this Bluebutt business when I get back,” Octavia said in a sultry tone, before winking to her roomie and hustling to the train station.
For a while, Vinyl continued running through her set lists for later that night. She worked on mixing some new beats, adjusting her speakers, and contemplating the destruction of all the noble houses as per the usual. She thought she had accidently added some samples of Octavia playing her cello to the mix, but she could still hear it when all her equipment was muted.
Then she had a horrifying realization. The sound was of her roommate's precious instrument, which she left... by the couch... where the alien turned pegasus had been staring catatonically at the wall since that morning.
Except, now he was holding the forbidden instrument, drawing the pernambuco bow across the cello strings just as Octavia would surely draw a knife across this poor stallion’s throat. She didn’t even know what a pernambuco bow was, but it was fancy, and precious to Tavie.
The only rational thing to do was tear the instrument away from the alien, place it back in the case, set it next to the staircase, then stare at it while loudly hyperventilating like nothing ever happened. She sank to her haunches.
“Okay, that was weird even for this place.”
Vinyl Scratch slowly turned around to the yellow pegasus still drowning in his baggy clothing. She held a hoof to her mouth while pointing the other at Jamie.
“Um are you—” Jamie found himself inches away from this strange girl’s face. He said the only thing he could think of.
“I don’t mean to be rude little horse girl, but could you back off? Your breath smells like pancakes and... booze? They have alcohol here? Wait, don’t answer that. I have a bunch of better questions.”
The little horse didn’t let go and instead started shaking Jamie violently. “You need to get out!” she whispered almost inaudibly.
Jamie held up his, arms? No, that one horse obsessed chick he dated called them forelegs. He raised his forelegs in surrender.
“Look, I’m sorry I did, whatever it was I did, but this is the only place I have to stay.”
Vinyl shook her head. “No, you need to leave town, like on the next train.”
This is what he gets for getting off the couch; just five minutes of not staring at the wall feeling miserable and he already pissed off a girl.
“Look, I said I was sorry. Also, why are we whispering?” It was very strange feeling his elongated face being grabbed by some alien chick’s hooves. Now that he thought about it, being grabbed by hooves at all was it’s own kind of weird, but not as weird as actually getting nonviolent female contact for more than thirty seconds.
Jamie was so distracted he didn’t hear half of what this pony was saying.
“...so I lose my voice almost every night. That’s how Octavia and I have gotten really good at nonverbal communication. The annoying part is, some ponies think I’m mute, but that’s not the important part. Why are you whispering and why do you keep moving your tongue all weird like that?” she asked in a raspy tone.
“I was just whispering like you. Also, I swear the stupid fuzz on my lips is getting in my mouth constantly.”
“Well, maybe it wouldn’t if you weren’t licking them like a maniac?” They were wasting time. Vinyl ran upstairs and returned with a small bag of bits. She shoved them in Jamie's chest until he grabbed them. “Get the next train out and never come back. If she can’t find you, then she can’t beat you within inches of your life.”
Jamie was starting to panic. “Wait, who’s going to beat me up? What the heck is happening? Is this about the cello? Is it cursed or something?”
“I’ve said too much already. Just go!” Vinyl’s voice was very horse in her exclamation, as she started ushering Jamie to the door.
Jamie tried pushing back, but found the unicorn was pretty strong, compared to a weakling like him anyways. “What is this? Some sort of spy movie? How could telling me more make things any worse?”
“No, I... I literally... can’t talk much.” Vinyl couched.
Vinyl picked up the roommate agreement form the floor nearby and showed Jamie the last page. He scanned over the part about no wolf bats or stealing bodily fluids, then settled on the last lines.
“If you so much as touch my (Octavia Melody’s) cello, I will beat you within an inch of your life and you shall rue the day you laid your (insert apandage here) upon my instrument, which has now become your undoing.
Don’t ask how I will find out, I just know.”
Jamie noticed his name was signed at the bottom with Coop’s surprisingly decent handwriting, and dropped the paper to the floor.
“Oh, I see.”
She stopped pushing for a moment, before her ears perked up for some reason. She rummaged through a closet before coming out with one of those digital word boards that flashes messages across them.
It didn’t take Jamie long to figure out what she was doing. It took a minute or two for Vinyl to charge it with magic power and set in a new message.
I’m sorry man. I should have been paying more attention. The red letters scrolled.
But If you’re going to die, the least I can do is get your cloths retailored to fit you. The message started again.
Vinyl wrapped an arm over the trembling punk. She used her magic to tap the message buttons again.
Come on. Let me introduce you to a fellow white unicorn of mine.
Jamie mumbled a response and followed along. This was it. He must be the most undesirable male in the universe. He could get women to swear vendettas against him without doing anything. Well, not women. Little horse girls that played string instruments. Damn this was a messed up planet.
Vinyl unplugged her headphones from her turntables, hanging them around her neck before they left the oddly decorated duplex together.
---XLR---
To be continued.
I still need more editors for this story. PM me if you are interested. Hope you enjoy. I already tarted the next chapter.
Enjoy the double cliffhanger. I have already started the next chapter, so don't worry. We all know that the exciting bits always happen in the second half of cartoons.
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Megas XL-R was one of my childhood shows, thank you!
O__________O
I am compelled to read this because Megas...
Aaaand because it should be so silly and over-the-top that I shouldn't have to care about the plot.
DO NOT MAKE ME CARE ABOUT THE PLOT!! I'm watching... *fingers to eyes, points back to you, nods slowly*
6879046 But you will.
Even Kiva can't resist the cuteness of ponies...
6879056 Not if it's silly enough I won't!
*Alondro reads... and the story becomes a tragedy where everypony dies in the most gore-iffic way possible, then humans appear randomly from other dimensions and all turn into vampire emo changelings who are sympathetic because Celestia's a jerk because the story says so and NMM eats all the foals, but it's also Celestia's fault so she's forgiven and Sombra takes over since dark villains with capes are awesome, and he's also sympathetic because Celestia is bad. But then it turns out the whole story is written by Trollestia to fake out fanbois*
o_____________________o Best... worst.. so meta... *brain breaks*
6879091 And then Celestia tries to redeem herself before dying.
6879095 But it fails and she died bleeding black tears from her eyes to the sound of 9-Inch Nails music.
6879098 I'm getting the feeling you hate dark stories?
Great chapter.
Poor Jamie...
And Kiva having cutegasms is both hilarious and adorable.
if anyone want to watch MEGAS XLR u can find it here: http://www.watchcartoononline.com/anime/megas-xlr k
Great story
I just couldn’t sit still when Kiva got excited over the ponies.
will this ever get more chapters?
9122096
Hopefully. I do have plans, but I've been super busy. I would change my stories to cancelled if I didn't think I could continue them.
i.imgflip.com/2lwvmn.jpg
-Soviets give salute-
9123150
When more chapters come out I will be here ready to read them