• Published 26th Aug 2013
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Giant Robots are Magic - Spanner



Coop and M.E.G.A.S (the giant robot wepon) end up in Equestria. Leaving may not be as simple as getting there. A Megas XLR MLP:FIM crossover

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Episode Three Part Two: Shoot That Guy

Now with 10% more Blast Knuckles!

---XLR---

“No, no, no! You stay away from me!” Stonewall yelled as he flew to the top of MEGAS's core containment chamber. With the mech laying supine, the ceiling was actually the wall of the reactor room. He flapped furiously around the compartment, bumping into machinery and getting tangled in a web of wires. Meanwhile, the red headed she-witch ran around the room trying to pull him down with her grubby claws.

It was just like Shining Armor had said: aliens would come one day to enslave the pony race.

He had made fun of the Captain when Shining voiced his concerns about aliens, chided him when Shining submitted an alien incursion contingency plan to The Crown, and laughed when he found out the source of all the Captain's paranoia were some comic books lent to him by Princess Twilight’s dragon assistant. But here he was, backed into a literal corner, inside the bowels of an advanced alien spacecraft.

Stonewall heard rumors of forced labor in ancient Griffin history, but how could humans brainwash little girls into wanting their very own pony? Why would such an advanced society condone such a thing?

“You’ll never enslave me alive!” He shouted, and dive bombed towards Kiva.

The human had a welder’s mask pulled down to protect her face from a barrage of aerial hoof strikes.

“What are you even talking about? You're going to kill us all if you don't—” Kiva reeled back from a glancing blow to her mask.

She didn’t understand what had gotten this guy all riled up. One minute he was just watching her make repairs to MEGAS and talking about Earth, then he was flying around like a bat out of hell. Though now that she thought about it, the expression would be better associated with the bat-like pony back at Vinyl’s place.

“That is it!” Kiva picked herself off the floor and prepared for Stonewall's next charge. The next time the guard swooped down, Kiva took a knee and met his tackle. She wrapped her arms around his back and wings, before pulling her prey to the ground.

For a moment neither moved nor spoke.

“Are you, are you giving me a hug?” Stonewall asked the panting red headed alien.

“What?! No,” Kiva said quickly, almost letting go.

"Then what are you doing?"

"I needed to stop you from flying around and I didn’t want to accidently kill you in a chokehold.” Kiva noticed her ear was pressed against the side of Stonewall’s neck. “Jeez, you guys are even softer than you look.”

Stonewall cringed, then continued thrashing around for dear life. If he had known that following an alien into their giant robot would turn out so badly, he wouldn’t have bothered getting off Miss Octavia and Vinyl’s couch this morning, let alone volunteered for this mission.

---XLR---

Earlier that morning...

Rainbow Dash reluctantly shambled alongside Twilight Sparkle. Grocery shopping had to be the most boring thing in the world, just after clothes shopping and modeling with Rarity. The only clothing she would ever wear willingly was a wonderbolts’ flight suit.

Speaking of which, Twilight finished filling in Rainbow on what she had missed while at Wonderbolts flight practice.

“That’s pretty cool using your magic to save...” Rainbow Dash passed by three stands crushed by one of MEGAS's lost fingers. “...well mostly save the town. But I think I could have done it better, or at least cooler.”

Twilight forced a laugh. “Just like you didn’t get Coop out of my kitchen last night? How would you have done it ‘cooler,’ let alone at all? I stopped that blue death machine with the most powerful anti-gravity-well I have ever cast.”

Rainbow shrugged with her wings. “Thunderlane owed me a favor and got the alien out like you asked. As for your second question, you always use your magic. It’s like, totally expected. I would have done something more awesome.”

Twilight sighed, handing Daisy some bits, for a bunch of daisies. “And you would have stopped the giant falling robot how exactly?” Twilight interjected just before Rainbow entered full on boast mode. “As if it has nothing to do with you flying up there and trying to push it back with another Sonic Rainboom.”

Rainbow froze, her wings locking up. “How did you know exactly what my plan would have been?” Rainbow stopped to gasp. “Did you use that time travel spell again, without me!?”

“No, ‘you flying, it’s like, totally expected,’” Twilight mimicked Rainbow flawlessly. Though, deep down the crime against the Equestrian language she had just committed was piercing her very soul. It was well worth the defeated look on Rainbow’s face.

Rainbow opened and closed her mouth for a comeback. In a fit of desperation she pointed behind the princess’s head.

“Hey, look over there! That group of ponies is playing with the alien spacecraft!”

Any other day Twilight wouldn’t have fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the ‘Book of Simple Pranks,’ but then she remembered there very well could be trouble with the humans’ red metal space chariot they left in the street. “I guess I should go stop that or something?”

With her ego crisis averted, Rainbow darted into the crowd of bystanders towards the red metal space chariot. “Sounds good to me. I could use a break from all this shopping.”

“Rainbow, we've only been shopping for ten minutes!” Twilight yelled ahead. “And you still owe me twenty bits!”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t remind me,” Rainbow replied from the top of the muscle car.

Princess Twilight executed one of her famous face hoofs, earning a few gasps from bystanders. Copying the exact gesture was catching on within Canterlot and only the most refined ponies could pull it off like the princess.

Not long ago, a string of stores started selling “Like a Princess” garments and everything. This week, for a limited time only, you could get two shirts or hats for free with the purchase of a Twilight Scepter.

The clothing came with the phrases: “Lecture ponies, like a Princess.” “Read a book, like a Princess.” And last but not least, “Nerd out, like a Princess.” Sales went down recently once ponies realized the manager for the chain store was the God of Chaos. That, and the recent “Turn into a jet and fly into the sun, like a Princess” shirt wasn’t selling so well.

---XLR---

The crowd parted as Twilight approached the 1970 Plymouth Barracuda. “Alright everypony, disperse. This alien device could be dangerous.” She said with what Rainbow called Twilight’s mom face.

Rainbow flicked her wings at lingering ponies in a “git” motion. "That's right everypony! The fun police have arrived."

Twilight's hoof met her hardened forehead once again, this time throwing in her infamous Groan of Shame.

Four hours had passed since the pair of ponies finally found a way inside the metal deathtrap. Much to Rainbow's dismay, Twilight found the car manual in the glovebox. And of course, Twilight insisted on reading every page before letting her touch anything.

Twilight removed some stale french fries, before placing the manual back inside the glovebox. She carefully dropped the stale fries into a bag and labeled them for later study. The unicorn sat uncomfortably in the driver’s seat with Rainbow riding shotgun. “You know Rainbow? I meant everypony should leave the area in case of danger,” Twilight said while taking more notes.

“I know, I just didn’t listen. Now, which button do you you think starts it?” Rainbow asked, pressing a few random buttons.

The first, sent a rush of air from vents around the car and Twilight quickly covered her head in a magic bubble. The second, caused the words, “MISSILE LAUNCH FAILED. INVALID TARGET." to pan across a monitor in the dashboard.

“Are you crazy?! This could be a poison gas trap or something!” Twilight flailed in her forelegs in excitement, accidentally flipping the sun visor down. The car keys slid off and looped around Twilight's horn with a small jingling sound.

Rainbow took a few sniffs of air. “Eh, seems okay. You read the book thingy, can’t you just start this baby up already? At the pace you're going, I'll die of boredom before we get poisoned or blown up.”

"One, it’s called a manual, not a book thingy. Maybe if you read non fiction sometimes you would know that. Two, I need to insert the keys into the ignition, which I’m not going to do. Three, I have no idea what these other buttons do." Twilight fished what she assumed to be the keys off her horn.

“I’m just going to lock the doors and keep these safe." Twilight popped her seat belt and started to open the driver's side door.

Rainbow nabbed Twilight’s tail in her teeth. "And where do you think you're going? You know you want to see this thing in action just as much as I do."

Twilight stopped halfway out of the car. "No, no I don't. This thing is far too dangerous to mess with.”

Rainbow Dash wasn't about to give up. "Well if this thing is so dangerous, we can't just leave it here, where anypony can mess with it. We should move it somewhere safe, like Applejack's barn.”

“I’m sure she would love that. ‘Hey Applejack, we thought it would be a great idea to hide an extremely dangerous extraterrestrial device in your barn!’ I mean, that would end almost as well as asking Fluttershy if we could put it in her shed!”

“Awe common. We can ask Applejack when we get there. You can’t resist. You know you want to... for science—”

Twilight’s ears popped up like twin cobras ready to bite into new juicy discoveries. “How dare you use the ‘S’ word?”

Rainbow leaned in with a half spent ballpoint pen in her mouth. “I also found this space pen you could record all your science notes with. For science.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Twilight clapped her hooves to her ears.

She was desperately trying not to imagine the combustion engine firing away under the hood. It would be so simple to put the keys in and watch the engine at work. Next she found herself dreaming about shifting gears and the thrills of mirror adjustment.

“Fine. You win. I’ll drive, but as a Princess, I have to be responsible so we’re going to take this nice and slow. Put your seat belt on.”

Rainbow turned away to hoof pump. “Yes! Oh, and what’s a seat belt?”

---XLR---

Back in the present...

“And then Twilight crashed your spaceship into Quills and Sofas here. And your stupid seat belts made it really hard to jump out of your chariot.”

“Hey, I panicked and mistook the accelerator as the brake,” Twilight said in defense.

Rainbow snorted. “No one besides you would be such a spaz and drive into a store.”

“Ha ha! That’s really funny coming from the pony who crashed into the library on thirteen separate occasions.” Almost everypony in town knew Twilight had started a tally sheet by the library window.

“The library isn’t a store. You only let ponies rent books.”

Coop stopped making peek-a-boo motions with his hands in the hope that his car would magically appear good as new. He wedged his arms between the ponies to break up their shouting match.

"Woah, woah, woah! Girls, you are girls right?” The angry scowling answered his own question. “There’s no need to fight about whose’ fault this was, because both of you are helping me fix this.”

“We are?” Both mares asked in unison.

“Yeap. Besides, this is obviously Rainbutt’s fault.”

“It is?” Twilight asked, somewhat surprised.

“Yeah, it’s not your fault that you’re so nerdy you can’t help yourself.” Coop said as he took the keys from the stunned unicorn. “Plenty of clumsy people on earth mix up the brakes and accelerator.”

Rainbow pointed at her blushing friend. “HA!”

“Laugh it up now, because taking advantage of your friend's weaknesses for personal gain is uncool,” Coop said wagging a fatty finger. “I know, because I’m an expert at it.”

“He’s right Twi. I’m, ugh, sorry for taking advantage of your, whatever you call a disturbing attraction to science.” Rainbow said, sulking.

“The word you want is obsession, Rainbow. More importantly, did he just teach both of us a Friendship lesson and get you to apologize?” Twilight asked.

Coop re-adjusted his seat and backed the car out of Quills and Sofas. Glass shards and wood bits clunked to the shop floor. He noticed his two helpers were just sitting in the road like speed bumps.

“Well, are you getting in or what?” The alien asked with his arm hanging out the open window.

Princess Twilight placed a hoof on Coop’s door. “First of all, I don’t trust you or your friends, especially your friends. Second, where are we even going?”

“Well, usually by this point there’s some catastrophic emergency that can be solved with a giant robot fight or at least we try to solve the problem with a giant robot.”

Just then a computerized voice sounded from the distant park. “WARNING! MULTIPLE QUANTUM POWER CELL RUPTURES IMMINENT. EVACUATION ADVISED!”

Across the street, in the competing “Sofas and Quills” store, a pony steepled his hooves and laughed in triumph. He relished in the destruction of his one true enemy’s establishment, Quills and Sofas.

“Uh, I don’t mean to interrupt whatever it is you’re doing, but are you open?” A passing pegasus asked.

Kushy Pen coughed and turned his sign from closed to open. “You aren't going to evacuate like the strange voice said to?”

The potential customer shrugged. “This is Ponyville, need I say anymore?”

“Nope. Welcome to Sofas and Quills!”

---XLR---

Kiva still had Stonewall pinned to the floor, when the loudspeakers blared.

“What in Tartarus was that?”

That was MEGAS's automated warning system, which was tripped because someone has been flying around destroying very delicate equipment!”

“I’m assuming that's bad?” Stonewall asked.

“Unless you ponies like being vaporized, then yes.”

“Oh.”

---XLR---

Coop smiled. “Ah, see? I told you there would be trouble. Now get in.”

At Coop’s command, Rainbow Dash swooped through the window into the passenger seat. “See Twilight, he’s cool.”

“How do I know this isn’t some trick?” Twilight didn’t trust any of these aliens as far as she could throw them. Without magic that wouldn’t be very far. She’d almost suffocated under Coop’s weight in her kitchen. She certainly wouldn’t be winning any hoof wrestles with Kiva, either.

But she could totally buck that skinny punk to the ground. She smiled with the satisfaction of being able to beat up the wimpy teen, who had apparently destroyed a whole library world. She wasn’t about to forget that.

During her fantasy of beating up a teenage delinquent, she didn’t notice an approaching crowd of pegasi.

One of them was wearing a “press” hat and swooped down to the scene holding a microphone. They were followed by a sound crew and more paparazzi.

“Hello Canterlot! Tangled Web from Canterlot News Radio here with breaking news on the alien visitors. Some disembodied voice just yelled something about an evacuation. I’m sure Princess Twilight here can explain.” Tangled Web shoved his mic into Twilight’s face.

“Princess Twilight. Is it true that in order to keep peace with these aliens you let them eat somepony last night? You have been involved with the destruction of Ponyville at least six times now. If the town gets blown up today will you be taking advantage of your diplomatic immunity once again? What is your plan to deal with the magic-stealing centaur demon once he shows up here?”

Twilight teleported into the back seat of the car. “It’s the press! Drive, drive, drive!”

Coop put the pedal to the metal and covered the news crew in a spray of dust.

Tangled Web turned away from the speeding car, back to the unicorns taking pictures and broadcasting to radio. “There you have it, folks. Princess Twilight is fleeing the scene with guilt in her eyes.

“On another note, sources say one of the aliens was seen entering the Princess’s library late last night. Was this the fat alien’s attempt to take out our leadership or the beginning of an intergalactic love affair with our favorite librarian princess? Stay tuned!”

---XLR---

Once Coop and company arrived at Ponyville Park, it wasn’t hard to track down MEGAS. The ultra weapon was set lying on its back against a large grassy hill as if enjoying the lovely weather.

When Coop pulled up closer, Kiva shot out of an access shaft near the ground. Not a second later a white blur burst out of the shaft and tackled the fleeing human. The two hit the ground tumbling. They stopped rolling near Coop and two ponies as they exited the car.

Stonewall managed to pin Kiva to the ground with his hooves. “Thank goodness you’re here, Princess Twilight. The humans are here to enslave pony kind and give us to their female children! We need to—”

Kiva elbowed the guard in his exposed stomach. “Coop, MEGAS's power cells got overcharged somehow. We need to drain them now!”

“I’m on it!” Coop started towards the car, when he was lifted off the ground in a violet glow. “Hey! What gives?”

“I knew you aliens were up to no good. I won’t let you near your blue death machine.” Twilight said while she added Kiva to her magic bubble. “Stonewall, let's get these two to Canterlot. Rainbow, you can get Jamie from Vinyl’s place.”

“Wait, wait!” Rainbow swooped in to interrupt. “You have to say something cool, Like, ‘your reign of terror ends now’ or, or ‘you never stood a chance against the likes of us!’”

“You guys are wasting time!” Kiva yelled. “Any minute MEGAS's power cells are going to explode. Just ask your knight over there.”

“Is this true? Stonewall?” He shied away from Twilight’s “oh no you didn't” glare.

“I may have accidentally destroyed some stuff in there, before the big loud voice happened.” He tapped his front hooves together bashfully.

“Alright, I’ll let you two go. But after you fix this you’ve got some explaining to do, all of you!” Twilight said letting the humans go.

Soon the princess, the guard, the fastest flier, and the two humans piled into the red Barracuda. Coop took the car around the grassy knoll, then launched it over the top onto MEGAS. With the cockpit in place, the robot was ready for action.

Kiva continued to monitor the power systems on a nearby console from the passenger's seat. “Alright Coop, what’s your plan? I’ve got nothing.”

“Well the problem is too much energy right? Well, I’ll just shoot a bunch of energy based weapons until it’s safe.”

Kiva scratched her chin. “That... might actually work.”

Coop laced his fingers and cracked his knuckles. Now he was ready to work his magic. With the right arm and leg gone, his choice of weapons were limited. A minigun sprouted out of the mech’s left arm and a spray of energy blasts shot towards the sky.

He found his hands being slapped from the controls by Twilight’s familiar magic. She scowled from the back seat. “You can’t just shoot energy blasts into the sky, pegasi fly up there.”

“Okay, I’ll just shoot at that creepy jungle over there then.”

Twilight swatted the human again. “Don’t shoot that either! You might hurt some innocent creature or wake up an eldritch abomination!”

Coop turned around to face his back seat ponies. “Well excuse me, princess, but I need to shoot something so we don’t all die. What do you want me to do?” His question was answered by a small tremor. Followed by a series of tremors growing in severity.

“GREETINGS PONYVILLE. DO NOT BE ALARMED. I'M JUST HERE TO DRAIN ALL YOUR BODIES OF THEIR MAGIC!”

“Shoot that guy!” Twilight demanded, as she pointed to a giant demonic centaur creature.

“But you just said—”

“I don’t care! Just shoot him! Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him!” Twilight started mashing the minigun controls with a combination of magic and hooves.” The small projectiles just bounced off with little squeaky sounds, like a line of rubber ducks being stomped on at ludicrous speeds.

“You’ll have to find something more powerful. That single T-98 minigun isn’t draining the power fast enough. It also doesn’t look very effective,” Kiva added.

“I’m confused, tired, in life threatening danger, there’s a weird nerdy unicorn touching my robot, and worst of all I’m hungry. But giant monsters, I know exactly how to deal with this,” Coop said, ceremoniously slamming his fist onto a button.

Two telescopic barrels extended from the tops of MEGAS's shoulders. A blue sphere of light at the end of each cannon grew while the giant monster closed in.

“I SEE YOUR TOWN HAS A METAL GUARDIAN. NO MATTER. YOUR LITTLE TRICKS WON’T HELP YOU DEFEAT THE GREAT TIREK! I WILL DE—”

The first of two multi story tall energy spheres pelted Tirek in the jaw. He raised his guard to intercept the second before releasing a spit slinging “ROAR!” right onto the windshield.

Coop turned on the windshield wipers to clear the spittle. “Oh, come on! Someone already crashed my baby and now you have to go spitting on my ride too?!”

“Hey, what’s the S.C.A.T. cannon? Is that some jazz based musical weapon?” Twilight asked while pressing the big red “Activate” button.

Kiva and Coop both yelled in protest, but it was already too late. The chest compartment on MEGAS opened to unleash the enormous multi section barrel. The barrel physically pushed Tirek back from the mech, which he didn’t seem too concerned about.

Triek simply laughed at his pathetic competition and presented his chest. “GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT!”

The back of MEGAS opened up to suck in matter, just like it had before the cannon’s recoil sent them hurtling through space to this mini horse planet. Little did anyone know, but Spike the dragon had been burying a growing jem stash right in this very hillside.

The stash of gems and surrounding rock quickly filled the mass reserves. A beam of blue energy wrapped in a double helix of super heated plasma was sent right on target. The force of the blow lifted Tirek off the ground and flung him out of sight along a graceful arc. Where he landed, nopony knew.

He may have been yelling something like, “I’ll get you next time!,” but it came out more like, “AHHHRGH!”

It was probably just “AHHHRGH!”

The cannon kept sending a light display into the distance until MEGAS had further embedded itself into the hillside and all the power had been completely drained from the mech.

Twilight wiped her brow and sunk back into the hump seat in the back of the convertible.

“Well, it looks like that bought us a little bit of time. Rainbow, you’ve been really quiet this whole time. Are you okay?”

The princess trailed off upon seeing Rainbow’s bulging eyes and wide open jaw.

“Uh, Rainbow, say something?”

The pegasus grabbed her purple friend's face in her hooves. “That... was... so... AWESOME! Let’s do it again! He was all ‘I’m here to take your power!’ Then you and Coop were all pew pew zap, explosion! Tirek was all ‘give me your best shot,’ and you blasted him into oblivion!”

Twilight sighed. “We know, Rainbow. We were all there. I’m glad your okay, but I’m sure nothing like this will happen again.”

---XLR---

“... And that’s when we crash landed here in your little town. I know it’s hard to believe that we just happened to hit your settlement. However, the last thing we wanted is to be marooned on an alien world with no way to leave.”

Kiva finished explaining their origin story to the solar guard. Their goal now was repairing the main systems and collecting essential parts that crashed around town. In other words, the same thing Kiva was trying to do before her wrestling match with Stonewall and the impromptu battle with a demonic centaur thing.

Twilight had been summoned to the capital for some important meeting and Rainbow Dash was ordered to leave and stop pressing buttons in the giant robot. It was more like she was ordered, then dragged off by Twilight, kicking and screaming like a school filly all the way.

Stonewall gave Kiva a momentary glance as they walked back towards town. “Well, thanks for not killing me, even if Tirek might come back and destroy us all anyway.”

“I didn’t want to start an intergalactic war with yet another species. Besides, you guys are just too cute to kill.” Kiva cleared her throat. “Forget I said that.”

Stonewall huffed. “I am not cute! I am one of Celestia’s most trusted warriors and protectors. I am a Celestial Guard! But I guess I can’t expect someone from a planet full of brainwashing slave drivers to understand.”

“You're being weird again. I already explained that bit of history about little girls from human past. Although I guess that would be the present, considering I’m from the future.”

The pegasus snorted “The time traveling two-legged creature with blue lips is calling somepony else weird?”

“He has you there. You are pretty weird Kiva,” Coop said offhandedly.

The space marine let out a heavy sigh. “Can we just focus on how MEGAS's power cells got overcharged? I mean, the main reactor was damaged before we even entered this planet’s atmosphere?”

“Or did you purposefully set your robot to self destruct before you invaded the planet?” Stonewall accused. “I still think you guys are up to something. Princess Twilight doesn't trust you either.”

Coop either ignored the guard or didn’t hear him at all. “Unless the girly pony magic from Luny and Sparkle-butt somehow infected my robot, then I have no idea what’s going on.”

Kiva put a hand on Coops shoulder. “You’re a genius! I think I know what’s going on here, but I’ll need to run a few tests to check my hypothesis.”

Coop and Kiva halted in their tracks once they noticed their pegasis companion had stopped several paces behind.

“Your fat companion has said, ‘my robot,’ a few times now. He also knows his way around your death machine's controls.” Stonewall narrowed his gaze at the humans. “Coop is the real pilot here, isn’t he? You just lied so you could leave for reinforcements, didn’t you?”

Coop held up his hands. “Hey, let’s not get too hasty here.”

The pegasus charged right for him, but Kiva socked Stonewall in the gut before he could touch the blond behemoth. The smell of burnt hair filled the air at the edge of Ponyville Park and stonewall slumped to the ground.

“Jeezes, Kiva. What did you hit the poor fella with?” Coop lifted one of the guard’s legs, which flopped to the ground like a wet noodle as he let go.

“Think of these as a sort of electrified brass knuckles, she said holding out a handheld device with four finger holes and some metal studs for each knuckle. “I noticed this guy likes close quarters combat and he moves too fast to hit reliably with a projectile.” Kiva smiled as she flipped a switch causing electricity to arc over her knuckles. “Nothing says "get down," like a fist full of lightning.”

“Nice!” Coop slung the pony guard over one of his wide shoulders

In a bush nearby, three small creatures gasped in shock at what they had seen. The trio snuck out of their cover and made a beeline for the town library.

---XLR---

To Be Continued

Author's Note:

Just finished re-reading the chapters. I will be continuing to edit this and re post soon. Thanks you for the read so far.